[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
[THE HIVES' "TICK TICK BOOM" PLAYS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
♪ Yeah I was right all along ♪
♪ Yeah You come tagging along ♪
♪ Exhibit A, on a tray What you say? ♪
♪ As I throw it in your face ♪
♪ Exhibit B, what you see? Well, that's me ♪
♪ I put you back in your place ♪
♪ Yeah, I've done it before And I can do it some more ♪
♪ So what you waiting for? ♪
[KIDS CHATTERING]
♪ And you come crying to me But it's too late ♪
[HORN HONKS]
♪ The man you try hard to be But it's too late ♪
♪ Get your head out the sand But it's too late ♪
[BELL RINGING]
[TRAIN HORN BLARING]
♪ Too late, too late Oh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah But it's too late ♪
♪ You get your head out the sand ♪
♪ But it's too late It's too late, too late ♪
♪ You know I've done it before And I can do it some more ♪
♪ I got my eye on the score I'm gonna cut to the core ♪
♪ You know I've done it before And I can do it some more ♪
♪ I got my eye on the score I'm gonna cut to the core ♪
♪ it's too late, it's too soon It's too /ate, it's too soon ♪
♪ It's too late, it's too soon Or is it? ♪
♪ Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Boom ♪♪
Thirty-four minutes, four minutes late. Pizza's free.
You live two towns away. It's impossible to get here in 30.
Exactly. That's why we order from your shitty pizza parlor.
Okay. You guys are pretty smart.
You figured out a way to beat the system.
There you go. Thank you.
What, no tip? Sorry, I only got the big bills.
Mm. You guys kind of remind me of me when I was your age.
Just trying to get drunk any chance I get.
I bet you got the fridge full of beer, right?
Man, we don't have anything. NICK: Really?
Could you get us some beer? NICK: Me? Um...
Listen, I shouldn't do this but if you give me the money
that your mom gave you, which you didn't give me, I will run out and get you some beer.
[WHISPERING] Let him do it. Let's get shit-faced.
But I want a tip.
Okay. Okay, we have...
That's 40. Oh, thanks, man.
Wait, how many am I getting? Whatever that will get us.
Okay. I will see you soon.
Wait, you boys like O'Doul's, right?
Yeah. Totally. Fucking love that shit. You rule.
[BEASTIE BOYS' "SURE SHOT" PLAYS]
♪ I've got the brand new doo-doo Guaranteed like Yoo-hoo ♪
♪ I'm on like Dr. John Yeah, Mn Zu Zu ♪
♪ I'm a newlywed I'm not a divorcee ♪
♪ And everything I do ls funky like Lee Dorsey ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't, you won't And you don't stop ♪
♪ You know you can't, you won't And you don't stop ♪
♪ Ad-Rock, come and rock The sure shot ♪
♪ Hurricane 'II cross fade on your ass And bust your ear drums ♪♪
[GENERATIONALS' "I PROMISE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Okay.
All right.
[GRUNTS] All good.
♪ Saint Anthony and Saint Thomas ♪
Wow. Oh.
♪ You don't wanna hear it 'Cause words bring you down ♪
♪ I believe you're waiting For another year ♪♪
Wow. Cool. You really went for it.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Well, I will... Okay.
Call me.
I will. Yes, okay.
All right, take care. Bye.
CHET: See you. WOMAN: Bye.
CHET: Thanks again.
You have a great personality.
Hey. What the hell?
You've been watching the whole time? Yeah, the whole show.
Really classy move there at the end. The kiss.
If a woman is kind to provide me with fellatio services,
I'm not gonna dart out of there like she's an untouchable.
And they say chivalry is dead. Have a beer.
The alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth.
Well, thank you, sir. Mm.
Hey, I rented some movies for us. I got Lethal Weapon.
I got Lethal Weapon 2. I think I'm gonna have to pass.
I gotta be up early to teach a class. Come on, you're a sub.
Just call in sick, like the real teacher did.
I got promoted to full time last month. You bought me a laser pointer.
I'm just having trouble accepting you as the man,
because you're you.
Filling kids' heads with bullshit just so you can have your summers off.
I'm sorry I have a career,
and I don't have time to squeeze movies into my schedule.
Okay. "Call of Duty"? Fine.
But you will get smoked.
Fruit motherfucking salad. Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Whoo!
That was sick, Dwayne. That was fucking awesome.
This one's gonna blow even bigger. Oh, yeah.
If you weren't a skinny bitch, you could be in the military.
I don't need to be. I taught myself how to do this.
I went online and looked all this up. I hear you.
I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
I taught myself how to eat pussy hair.
Let's do it.
I want this one.
Here... Give me the crossbow.
You get the crossbow. I'll take the detonator.
Blow that shit up, dude. This one's mine.
Bin Laden. This time it's personal.
Fuck you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
Whoa, man. It's so real.
Run, bitch. Oh, check this shit out.
TRAVIS: What are you doing, dude? I'm not afraid of Jason. Look at me.
I'm fucking Jason. Oh, my God.
Get him, dude. In his fucking mask hole.
Hey, come here, bitch. Keep that fucking mask on, Jason.
I'm fingering his asshole. DWAYNE: I'm gonna wrap his balls.
I'm gonna fucking raw-dog him. TRAVIS: I got your butt-pussy.
It's so hard. Fuck you, Jason. Fuck you so...
Who are you two fags fucking?
Just Jason Voorhees. Afternoon, major.
MAJOR: It's been 20 years, Dwayne.
When are you finally going to get up the courage to ask him out?
Pssh. That's not funny. We're business partners.
Oh, yeah? What kind of business are you in?
Some entre...
Entrepreneurials. Entre...
That's not a business. You can't even pronounce it.
We're just trying to watch this movie.
There's about 45 minutes left and 3D titties coming up.
You're coming in at the worst time.
Yeah? I bought that TV so I can watch football.
Not so that you and your boyfriend can jack off all over it.
Well, then maybe you should learn how to share the common space better.
Heh, heh. Common? The only thing common in this house is you.
Come on, Travis. This movie sucks, anyway.
TRAVIS: You look good, major.
I paid for the damn cold cuts too.
Maybe if you had a job or a fucking prospect,
or a clue how to get any of the above,
I'd let you eat them.
You're a cold son of a bitch, Dad.
That's what it takes, boy.
In the corps, pussies like you wore dresses to keep us entertained.
That's really fucking disturbing.
[♪♪♪]
DWAYNE: Goddamn it. Oh, shit.
Talking to me about fucking cold cuts. That son of a bitch.
Oh, you got to be kidding me. He bought another new truck?
That's some high-end decal work, Dwayne.
Fuck the major. Yeah, fuck him, dude.
[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ Take my hand 'cause I know What you're going through ♪
♪ Half the time I had no way Of knowing ♪
♪ Yeah, ah, ah, ah ♪♪
[BALLOON POPS]
Sorry. Very funny, but you're late.
No, I'm 45 minutes late, which is like 10 minutes early for me.
Where the hell were you? Vito's is, like, two blocks away.
Yeah, I got held up trying to pick out
the perfect shirt-and-hat combo for you.
What do you think? I like it.
It's very minimum-wage.
Thanks. I can't wait to quit and take this shit off.
♪ Gonna take a trip To Laredo ♪
Say what you want about your boss,
but the man knows how to make a pizza.
I hate that guy. He can suck a dick.
Mm. Did you see Tom Small's Facebook update?
No, you know I don't check that shit. I'm off the grid.
He came out. What?
He even posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend.
Tom Small is gay?
That kid used to beat me and Chet in grammar school. Wow.
Tell me about it. He OTPF'd me at Junior High Formal.
What the hell is that? "Over the pants fingered.“."
That's disgusting.
So I've got news.
Even bigger news than that Tom Small?
I don't know if I can take much more news.
This corporation called Four Seasons decided to get their shit together
and accept me into their management training program.
Really? Whoa! Congratulations, that's amazing.
Thank you.
I can't believe they're opening in town. We don't even have a Radisson.
Yeah, exactly, which is why I'm moving to Atlanta.
I'm gonna be working in their Special Events department.
In Hotlanta?
I know a little about it from rap music,
and it sounds like a fucked-up place.
Come on. This is everything I've been working toward.
Did you tell your brother? Yeah. Chet was really happy for me.
I thought you'd be happy for me too. I am. I'm totally happy for you.
In fact, I will make you a crunk CD or something.
You can show off to your new hustler friends in Atlanta.
[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ No, I'm not trying to be rude ♪
DWAYNE: He treats me like a bitch. That's no way to treat a son.
He thinks he knows me. He doesn't.
I have more ideas than he could dream of.
I have plans bigger than his house.
Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.
Maybe just be quiet for a while,
forget about your old dad,
let me do my thing.
I wish I could forget about that asshole.
As is, I'm pretty much just waiting for him to drop dead.
I just don't want to mess up my inheritance.
Really? What kind of inheritance?
Well, when the old man left the service,
he started buying lotto tickets. The next thing you know, in '98,
the dude hits it for $10 million. Hmm.
And ever since then, he's been burning through it like an NBA draft pick,
buying Winnebagos and flat-screen TVs.
Just all this senseless spending.
He's probably down to, like, 1 or 2 million now.
As soon as he kicks it, all that cash is mine.
You know, with a million dollars,
you could have anything.
♪ Running her hands Through my 'fro ♪
You could be like a king.
King Dwayne.
Heh, heh, heh. Right on.
And you could be like my queen.
Polish my royal scepter. You know, practice makes perfect.
Oh, fuck you.
Maybe I could help you get that money now.
Oh, yeah?
Before he spends another penny.
And how would you do that?
I know a guy in Detroit.
He could help you. Probably do it for 100 G's.
Do what?
Kill your mean old dad.
♪ Around about 4 You gotta clear the lobby .P.
So, what do you say?
♪ Take it to your room ♪
Are you ready for your crown?
♪ Toot, toot Can /get a beep, beep ♪
Uh-huh.
MAN [ON TV]: Mm. These are very bad for you.
Hey, watch out.
[NICK CLICKS TONGUE]
You should pace yourself there. It's noon on a Saturday.
The fridge is full, man. We're all good. Pretty crazy about Tom Small, huh?
Yeah. Well, I never liked him.
Your sister did. You know, she let him finger-blast her, big time.
What are you talking about, man? I don't want that shit in my head.
Your sister told me. I thought you should know.
Are you swapping stories about getting fingered?
No. It's just that your sister makes questionable decisions.
You know, like, uh... Like moving to Atlanta.
What's wrong? She's gonna manage a hotel.
I get free rooms. Go there and crash whenever you're out on the streets.
Except her once she gets involved with some Atlanta douche bag
that's totally wrong for her.
Some doctor who drives a white BMW and listens to Phish. It's fucking lame.
Whatever. Why are we talking about who my sister goes out with?
I don't know.
MAN: I was always kind of partial to Roy Rogers, actually.
You want to fuck my sister, don't you? Chet, I don't want to talk about this.
Argh. My twin sister? Which is basically like fucking me?
Oh, hardly. Your sister is attractive and she excites me.
Yes, in a sexual way. Can we please just be adults about this?
You, an adult? You had a Lunchables for dinner last night.
You're a man-child.
Let's not say shit we can't take back, okay?
How about this? You wanna know who I saw naked?
Who? Miss Jenny Rifkin.
When I was nailing her the week after she dumped you, intercourse style.
That's right, my brown hands all over her nice, white titties.
Wow. You pulled a Judas on Jenny-fucking-Rifkin.
That is messed up, Chet.
Almost as messed up as how I sold your Willie Mays signed ball
for 200 bucks. Phew.
My grandpa left me that ball in his will.
You helped me look for it for a month.
Now you know why we never found it. Are we done here?
Not quite yet. Okay.
I told John Tanner about how your mom fucked that lifeguard.
I felt awful about it, even though he swore secrecy,
he wound up telling everyone.
Then your parents got divorced. But now, I don't give a shit.
Well, then you ruined my whole fucking life.
Not much of a life to ruin, but yeah, I guess I did.
Okay, Chet.
You're right. I do want to have sex with your sister.
Again. Because the first time was so awesome.
Bullshit. That never happened. Graduation night.
No. You fucked Tina Scotto.
No, I just told you I did. Same story, different girl.
What? You deflowered my sister and I know all the fucking details?
[BOTH SCREAM]
Fuck. NICK: Yo, get the fuck off of me.
Stop hitting my knee.
NICK: You're twins. Did you feel when I was fucking her?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Motherfucker. Aah! Aah! Ow! Ah-ah!
You fucking asshole.
Krav Maga. Israeli self-defense technique.
NICK: Okay. I can't breathe.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Unh.
Go to sleep. Aah!
You're a huge loser. Fuck you.
You're not good enough for my sister, okay?
You're a pizza boy.
You know, I actually feel sorry for you, you fucking dick.
You'll never understand this.
It's more complicated than your fucking online dating.
You're a shit friend.
All those years of asking me for stuff, favors.
You know, that beat-down is the last favor you'll ever get.
Good. It's the last one I'll ever need.
Yeah, I'll give you a call when I need some fucking mozzarella sticks.
TRAVIS: This pool is so dirty, dude.
Where do all these leaves come from?
Where the hell do you think, dude? From fucking trees.
That's what she said.
No, "that's what she said" jokes don't work with that.
It has to be in a sexual reference.
Like, you know, "These leaves are hard."
"That's what she said." Oh.
I hate this pool.
What? Dwayne.
Look, I don't want to get in the middle of a family matter or anything,
but killing the major seems kind of messed up.
Right? Or no?
No, it's not messed up, dude. It's barely even murder.
I mean, it's really just kind of shaving a few years
off an old man's shitty existence.
Hey, dipshit. If my pool ain't ready in an hour, you don't get paid.
Maybe you ought to have woke your lazy ass up before noon.
I woke up at 11:15, major. That's a fact.
[♪♪♪]
You look good.
Nice to see you too, Dad. Love you so much.
TRAVIS: Bye, major.
Fuck that dick.
You know why I sleep late, Travis? It's not because I'm lazy.
It's on account of me having so many goddamn dreams. Big ones.
Prepare yourself.
What is the one thing that this town is missing?
I'll give you a hint.
It's a cash business and it's crawling with sexy bitches.
Chinese food restaurant? No.
Abortion clinic? Oh. Yuck, no.
A tanning salon.
You know? Think of all the green, all the brown flesh.
And it's the perfect front for a prostitution ring.
Whoa... Mm-hm.
And guess what. What?
I'm willing to cut you in on it. Yep. Make you a partner in business,
if, and only if, you'll be my partner in crime.
You want to be fucking rich and famous,
helping dudes to come and get tans?
Or do you want to be a fucking pussy
and clean this asshole's pool for 10 bucks an hour?
Yeah, all right, I'll do it.
But I'm not going to shoot the major or anything.
I'll hold him while you shoot him, that's it.
No, I'm not shooting anybody.
If you want to be a millionaire, you gotta start thinking like one.
Do you think millionaires murder people?
No. No, they don't.
They hire highly trained assassins to do it for them.
Right.
Which I have done. What?
Dwayne, where are we gonna get $100,000 to pay this deadly assassin?
We're getting down to the heart of the matter.
How do we get the 100 G's?
Once we have the 100 G's, we have the million.
Once we have the million, we own everything and everyone
in this whole fucking town.
Yeah. All right, maybe we rob a bank.
Isn't that what people do? Go down to the local branch,
shoot some security guard and be like:
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Not really thinking like a millionaire.
Oh. Then maybe we hire somebody to rob a bank.
Dude, fuck hiring him.
Let's force some dumb motherfucker to rob a bank for us.
What? Ha-ha-ha.
So I film myself banging this dude's wife, okay?
I talk her into doing degrading shit. Get the neighborhood kids over.
They all whack off on her face.
And then we use the tape to blackmail her husband into robbing the bank.
That's a great idea, Dwayne. Really good.
I just think it might be a little hard
to find a wife that slutty and gross by Tuesday.
Yeah, seduction does take time. What do we do?
Do we use political pressure, death threats?
Or a bomb.
Everyone's afraid of a bomb, Dwayne.
I was going to say hypnotism, but I like a bomb.
Yeah. That's thinking outside the box. Right?
You'd just stick it to him like we do the watermelons?
Yeah, just strap it on, man. You can do that?
Yeah. Camel jockeys do it in caves.
I got a fucking dope-ass garage workshop in America.
This is true. What I like about this, is this is how a millionaire would do it.
We don't have to lose any sleep. Nobody gets hurt.
Except the major.
The trick is gonna be, where do we get our dude?
Because if we're going to commit to a kidnapping,
that's just as risky as a murder.
That's a good point.
We have to bring the dude to us,
lure him into a situation that we have total control over.
We also gotta make sure this dude is not connected to us in any way.
[ON TV] We 'll deliver anywhere
in 30 minutes or less or your pizza is free.
Vito's Pizza, where the customer
gets what they want. DWAYNE: Hmm.
Pronto.
[DWAYNE CHUCKLES]
Sometimes fate pulls out its big old cock
and slaps you right in the face. Heh.
Yeah.
[BELL DINGS]
MAN: Pepperoni's up.
CHRISTOPHER: Give me the bag. Not that bag, the other bag.
I don't mean to interrupt your curing of cancer,
but it's time to get back on the street.
I'm off in 10 minutes. Where the hell is this?
Here, let me check my fuck-you map. Yeah, it's in, uh,
Thirty Minutes or Less Land or else the pizza comes out of your paycheck.
Ticktock.
♪I give you options Baby, flip a coin♪
♪ You get McDonald's Forget the sirloin ♪
♪ Hating my mackin' They askin' ♪
♪ Is there any love In this world? ♪
♪ Is there any love In this world of ours? ♪
♪ Is there any love In this world? I.
♪ I was born to do the damn thing ♪
♪ Story of Cudi Getting out my dreams ♪
♪ Zero options to choose ♪
♪ Living in a box Full of Cuyahoga booze ♪
♪ And listen I.
♪ I stayed away From reading The Plain Dealer♪
♪ Most of my...back in Cleveland Were plain dealers, unh ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
Hello?
DWAYNE: Over here, buddy. The city's got us working till the ass end of the night.
Yeah. I hear that.
Hey, listen, I know I'm probably like 10, 15 minutes late, but, uh... Oh.
[♪♪♪]
That's a great mask. That's very funny.
So about the whole 30-minutes thing, are we cool...?
[GIBBERING]
NICK: Oh. Another one. The missing link.
That's nice. I wish I could get stoned too.
Which gorilla handles the cash... Get him.
Whoa. Yo, dude. Just take the pizza.
DWAYNE: Stop. Escape is impossible.
[NICK GRUNTING]
NICK: Fuck. What the hell?
Rape. Rape.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[NICK GROANS]
Step one.
DWAYNE: You thought we were gonna rape you. Ha-ha. What an idiot.
All right, let's see, here.
"Mr. Nick Davis of 110 North" Whatever-The-Fuck Street.
Right now, you are wearing a highly explosive bomb vest.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Shh, shh. Calm down. I'm carrying a piece.
TRAVIS: Hey, man. Take it easy. I built the bomb, so it's pretty stable.
For a fucking bomb. Ha.
Don't do anything stupid like trip over your shoelaces.
That vest is packed with C-4. The C is for "chaos."
TRAVIS: It's actually for "composite ," but yeah, don't bump into shit:
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Hey. Whoa. Sit down.
TRAVIS: Sit down. DWAYNE: Show him your kicks.
Show him your kicks. Yeah, check that shit.
You want to pop off? Look at this.
Fucking stay there. You'll get that right across your goddamn face.
Settle.
So, what do you think, pizza boy? Can we take the tape off?
[NICK SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
DWAYNE: I'm trusting you now. Help. Help. Help me.
Someone help him. TRAVIS: He's serious.
NICK: Help me. DWAYNE: Help.
Someone help him. Where the fuck do you think you are?
You might as well be in outer space. Nobody can fucking hear you scream.
They would hear you more in space, actually. Heh.
No, that's the thing. You can't hear anyone in space.
It's from Aliens. Why are you doing this to me?
Why does anybody do something fucked up to someone else?
For money, dude. Cha-cha-ching.
I will sell my car, man. I'll get you 1000 bucks.
For that Mustang? You mean, $100.
No, I'll get you 1000 bucks, I swear. Please.
We're going to need 100 grand.
[WHISTLES]
Where the fuck am I supposed to get that much money?
I don't know. Maybe the Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles Road.
By the Olive Garden. How am I supposed to rob a bank?
It's not my problem, it's yours. Get creative.
Maybe use the scary bomb strapped to your chest.
Maybe the old-fashioned way: Get a gun, band of outlaws.
It doesn't matter to me. It's not rocket science.
Fine. Then do it yourself. I would do it,
but I'm wearing the gorilla mask,
and you're wearing that bomb.
Tell him about the bomb vest. TRAVIS: You seem like a smart guy.
But in case you were gonna panic and try to be a hero, like:
"I'm going to take this vest off. Fuck these guys."
Don't do that, okay? We booby-trapped it to shit.
Okay, there's also a little remote detonator on the back
that we can trigger at any time by dialing a number. Boop-boop-boop.
We got your shit on speed dial. We're watching you.
So do what you gotta do, but know that if you go near a police station,
Fourth of July's coming early this year.
No, no. No, don't do that.
DWAYNE: It's 9 a.m. You got 10 hours.
[♪♪♪]
[TIMER BEEPING]
As soon as you get the money, call this number here.
You call it.
We'll give you explicit directions on where to make the drop-off.
If you do good, we'll give you a six-digit combination
that will stop the timer and open the lock.
But if you don't do good,
allow me to make a little demonstration for you.
Pay attention to the cuddly bear there on the barrel.
Ring, ring. Look, the bear's calling. What a coincidence.
Hello, Bear, how's it going? Yeah?
You're just hanging out, getting fucked up? That's cool.
What do you mean, you couldn't rob the bank?
It was too hard?
So you went back to your bear cave and hid like a little crying bitch?
Well, that's a shame, my stuffed buddy. Because time is up.
[NICK GASPS]
I liked that bear.
I don't even fucking know you. Okay.
DWAYNE: Well, get to it, man. Okay.
Show-and-tell's over. TRAVIS: All right. And you're free.
Let's move. Time is literally ticking right now.
TRAVIS: Here are your keys to your great car.
DWAYNE: Go on, now. Get after her. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, can we just maybe talk about this?
Yeah, of course we can talk. Whoa! Whoa!
DWAYNE: Come on, man, get fucking moving.
[GUNSHOT]
Be careful. You're wasting time.
Go. Fucking move.
We'll be watching you.
[DWAYNE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
Adios, you dumb motherfucker.
Goodbye. Have fun.
[DWAYNE LAUGHS]
What the fuck, Dwayne? You told me that was a replica gun.
Yeah, it was. Then I paid a Mexican 50 bucks to put a firing pin in it.
Now it goes boom.
Dude, we can't have a loaded gun around that bomb.
Don't ever question me.
I'm fucking this bitch. You're holding the camera.
I'm saying you should have told me. This isn't the Marines.
If you hesitate, if you fuck around, I will leave you behind.
Come on. We've got some surveillance to do.
And possibly breakfast.
CHET: And this whole region here, about 830,000 square miles,
was part of the original Louisiana Purchase.
Nice laser. Yeah.
It's a nice laser, Rodney.
You know what's not nice? Texting in my class.
[IN NASAL VOICE] "Hey, Steve, what time you watching the UFC fight, bro?"
By the way, you think Lisa would go out with me?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa. Lisa over there?
No way. She's laughing in your face.
Don't text in my class any more, okay?
Everyone, take out your workbooks.
What do you want? We got to talk.
I'm at work. Don't mess with me... Please talk to me for one minute.
CHET: I'll be right back. Just do stuff.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Well, well, well.
Look who wants to apologize.
It's gonna take lot more than pathetic groveling.
I don't want to apologize to you.
We have nothing left to say to each other.
Two guys jumped me and strapped a bomb to my chest,
and now I have less than nine hours to rob a bank.
You're hysterical. Great joke. I'm gonna go back.
All right, what is this? Don't touch it.
What the fuck? Is that thing real? I am not fucking around here.
And if I don't rob that bank, this thing's gonna blow.
Seriously? Seriously.
And your first thought was to come to a school filled with young children?
Well, I guess I didn't really think about it.
Just back away. Okay.
Back away, back away, back away. Okay. I think the vest is safe for now.
These guys don't want me to blow up before I get them their money.
Yeah, you figure the two psychopaths
that put a bomb on your chest made sure it was safe?
There's no margin for error in their design?
I don't know. All I do know is that this is real, okay?
This is real. This is happening but I have nowhere else to go.
For what? I need your help, okay?
I can't do this alone.
Damn it. I want to tell you to get fucked.
I know. But I can't.
Because I'm a better man than you.
And if I let you go and you explode,
that shit will come back and eat at my conscience.
And affect my relationships with other people.
Like my future wife and kids, and shit.
We'd be having a picnic or something one day and I would just be like:
"Oh, damn it, I shouldn't have let Nick explode that time."
That's a very rational way to look at the situation.
And you're right. About being a better man than me.
[GRUNTS]
Could you walk a few feet in front of me?
Yeah. I can do that.
Thank you.
[AKWID'S "NO HAY MANERA" PLAYS]
What's up, baby? Chango, I missed you.
Uh-huh. Right on. Did you miss me?
Of course I missed you. Don't lie to me.
The guys in there get Juicy, but you get Jacqueline.
Cool. Well, here's what I want.
First, I want my money. Then I want to kill that old motherfucker.
Then get the fuck out of here.
Well, that's how it's gonna go. We're just waiting for the call.
This is what I'm doing right here. See my impatient face?
See my impatient face right here?
Well. I think I can keep you entertained. Come on, baby.
Oh, that's nice.
What if we saw off your arms,
slip the vest over your head, then go to the hospital?
They'll reattach your arms.
We'll keep your arms on ice. NICK: Fuck that.
I don't know what to do. These sites say different.
Not a lot of consensus in the bomb-disarming community.
What did they do in The Hurt Locker? I don't know, I didn't see it.
Yeah, me, neither. I Netflixed it six months ago.
It's been sitting on my coffee table. It's so dumb.
I pay $12.99 a month and keep the same movies and never watch them.
Shut up. Please, just keep looking online, okay?
You can't expect me to be a bomb-disarming expert
after looking online for five minutes.
Shit, it's too tight.
Last thing I looked up online was how to make a quiche, and I fucked it up.
Can you please take this seriously, okay?
This is scaring the shit out of me.
[♪♪♪]
These guys said they would be following me. They could be anywhere.
CHET: Call the cops. No, we can't.
If they see the cops show up, they blow the vest and cut their losses.
What do I do, Chet? What do I do? I don't know, man.
I guess you gotta just rob the bank.
Fuck. Fuck.
It's gonna be okay.
No, it's not gonna be okay. I'm gonna fucking blow up.
Come on. OW! Whoa. Ow.
Get yourself together. Fuck, Chet.
You know how to rob a bank. What are you talking about?
Point Break. That movie's a how-to guide for bank robberies.
You just bust in, masks, guns, move fast, stick to the tellers,
and don't bother with the vault.
Yeah, you're right. I guess it is pretty simple.
It's a local bank. It's the Donner-Wells.
The one by the Olive Garden? That's my bank.
Small, standard security. Totally manageable for one dude.
One dude? You mean, you're not gonna do it with me?
No, but I'm happy to give tips, advice, motivational speeches.
Oh, Chet, please. Jesus Christ, I need you on this, okay?
I can't do this alone. If I do it alone, I'm dead. Please.
[SIGHS]
Okay, just tell me this.
How many times did you sleep with my sister?
Just once, I swear to God. Graduation night.
Okay. I'll help you on one condition.
You never mention my sister again,
and you never speak to my sister again.
Okay.
Okay, yes. We can do this.
CHET: I don't think we should use panty hose. You'd see our faces.
NICK: Oh. Ski masks. Perfect, perfect.
NICK: All right, fuck the knee-highs.
Okay, here we are. Should we get the handguns or the Uzis?
What do you think? CHET: These look pretty real.
Get down on the grou...! Shh.
Get down on the ground and give me the money.
How am I supposed to get the money if I'm on the ground?
Get me the money then get down on the ground.
I'll be right back.
[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend ♪
♪ You could cut ties with all the lies That you've... ♪♪
Dude, you totally fucked up this mixtape.
We're not a bunch of frat guys trying to finger-bang girls to Matchbox 20.
We're trying to mastermind a heist here.
It should be, like, some industrial shit, some fucking German techno.
Sorry, Dwayne. That song means a lot to me.
It doesn't mean a lot to me. It means a headache to me.
I just want this guy to fucking hurry up.
TRAVIS: Are you worried about the other guy, the mini genie?
No, man, he picked him up from a school.
As long as he's not a cop.
He can bring the whole fucking faculty for all I care.
As long as he gets my money.
DWAYNE: Oh. Check that.
What are you looking at, Subway? Do you want me to get sandwiches? I'm hungry as shit.
Look. It would be the perfect place for the tanning salon.
You're so right. Yeah.
I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and I want you to start out at the front counter.
It sounds like a demotion. It's not. It's a very important job.
We're gonna be using a lot of code words and shit.
For what?
Well, say a gentleman walks in and says:
"Hello, good afternoon. I'd like a tan."
That just means that he wants a tan. Okay.
But if a guy comes in and is like, "Yo, I want a deluxe tan."
That means he wants a tan and a blowjob,
which means you have to go to the back...
And blow him? No.
You find a girl who's gonna suck him off.
Okay.
CLERK: Guns.
Masks.
You sure y'all don't wanna grab some condoms?
No. Why?
Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Oh. We're not rapists.
Us two small fries? No way.
Is it going to be cash or credit for your rape kit?
Hey. Is a Slider Station in a rape kit?
We're getting one of those too. We'll pay cash.
Not into rape, just into sliders.
If it's anal, is it a hard anal tan? No, the "anal" will tip it off too much.
Oh, right. What if a black guy comes in?
Would he get a Tanny Glover?
No, we're not going to profile, racially, our clients.
We don't say anything if it's a black guy who comes in.
If a dude comes and wants a black chick then that would be Tanny Glover.
We'll have codes for that. Codes for missionary, for anal, black chicks.
I have a glossary of terms in my files back at home.
I'm not gonna go into that now,
because you are supposed to be on lookout.
And I know how terrible you are with multitasking.
TRAVIS: They're getting away, dude. Shit.
Hurry up. Go, go, go.
DWAYNE: Enough, Travis. I'm sick of this fucking Family Dollar bullshit.
It's time to get our heads in the game.
[♪♪♪]
CHET: ♪ Painting the guns Painting the guns ♪
♪ Painting the guns For the bank robbery ♪
♪ 'Cause if we go in With our plastic guns ♪
♪ Then the cops Will shoot us in our face ♪
♪ If we go in with... ♪♪
Please be careful. You're getting paint all over the car.
You're worried about this car?
Yeah. Your car is a total piece of shit.
Please. No, your car is garbage.
It's like you bought a Mustang and the Mustang got AIDS.
And you're worried about paint in it? Yeah.
Fine. Don't turn that over, still wet.
This is fast-drying. Fast isn't instant. Let it sit.
We don't have time to sit around and watch paint dry.
Aren't we headed straight to the bank?
I was thinking we gotta stop and steal a car first.
What, why? We have a car.
We have my car. I can't use this as a getaway vehicle.
They'll trace the plates. We'll be arrested.
How? I don't know how to hot-wire a vehicle.
Do you know how?
Uh-uh. That's why we gotta stop
and steal the one from your parents' friends, the Fishers.
They used to pay us to clean their garage.
They've got a Datsun. That's fast. I'm not stealing the Fishers' Datsun.
Let's steal one of your parents' friends' cars.
Okay.
What friends? What friends? My parents don't have any.
My dad moved away when your mouth ruined his marriage,
and no one wants to hang out with the mom who fucked a lifeguard.
You never should have told me. I was 13 years old.
I couldn't process information like that.
I thought it was cool your mom fucked a lifeguard. Fuck, I'm sorry.
Okay. I accept your apology.
That's it? You're not gonna apologize for sleeping with my sister?
You told me not to mention it. Great.
[HORN HONKING]
[GROANS]
I just want this goddamn day to be over.
[♪♪♪]
It's locked. Fuck.
Crawl through the window. You climb through the window.
I'm holding the bag.
I'm holding the bomb. Climb through the window.
Yeah, just knock that shit down.
These are my work pants. I don't want to ruin them.
Okay.
Aah!
You all right? Okay. Yeah, I'm great.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
CHET: Who is it? NICK: Shut up.
The keys aren't here. They used to leave the keys.
Yeah, when we were teenagers.
Okay. All right, let's just find them.
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Wait, did you hear that?
No. What?
Mr. Fisher's coming. What?
Uh... Put it on. What are you doing?
NICK: I'm doing what I have to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Yes, okay, shut the door.
CHET: Shit, shit, shit. NICK: Good.
Okay. Now, what... Uh... Ahem.
Where are the keys? In my pocket.
NICK: Quiet down and give them to me.
I'm just getting them out of my pocket.
Toss them to me. Good.
Okay, now, listen, we're obviously stealing the car.
I don't want you to report it until later tonight. Say 5:00, 6 to be safe.
6:15. NICK: Yeah, right, 6:15.
Don't even bother calling the cops. We own the cops.
Good. Okay.
And if you mess with us, I swear to God I will...
I will shoot your son. Dylan Fisher.
Yes, Dylan Fisher. I know where he works.
He works at the travel agency.
The douche bag with the bangs. NICK: That's right.
Don't do that. I won't say a thing. Just leave Dylan alone.
Okay, good, but if you call the cops,
there's going to be an undertaker styling his stupid bangs.
Because he'll be dead. Right, he'll be dead.
Now open the fucking garage door.
[♪♪♪]
CHET: Do you have any snacks, like granola bars or yogurts?
Not now, not now. I'm hungry.
Okay, remember our deal, 6:15 and not a minute earlier.
Yeah, please just go. NICK: Move over.
I'm driving.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Thanks. Have a great afternoon.
[♪♪♪]
[HORN HONKING]
Oh, man, I'm totally implicated. What if he saw my brown hands?
There's only four Indian families that live in Grand Rapids.
The guy's not Matlock. He's Fisher.
He's a CPA. I think you'll be okay.
I'm inside a smaller car with you and a bomb.
Next time, why don't we steal a Smart Car?
[ENGINE REVS]
This thing's got some pickup. Whoa!
You just ran a stop sign. Just take it easy, all right?
We got plenty of time. I know.
There's something I want to do first. Get something to eat.
Thank you. Let's go to Mr. Burger. Mm-mm. Um...
Actually, I want to go tell my boss to fuck off.
What? Are you joking? Mm-hm. Mm-mm.
You want to run a personal errand on our way to a robbery?
You wanted to go get lunch. I'm hungry.
Nice to have one last burger before I'm incarcerated.
This is not a personal errand. This is important to me.
Okay, and so this is your big moment?
Putting in your two-weeks' notice at a pizza place?
Yeah. That's pretty much it.
[SIGHS]
Whatever, you're making me depressed. Let's go.
I need to take a piss there, though. All right.
What are you doing? It's gross back here. Park out front.
You had to take a piss. Welcome to our employee restroom.
Fine. Hurry up, it smells like dead animals and pizza out here.
Okay.
DWAYNE: Yeah, man. We're fucking taking care of business.
Hey, hey, hey.
[♪♪♪]
Shit. Where the fuck is this guy going to?
Is there some secret FBI headquarters around here?
You know what? Maybe I'll just call this bomb.
What? No, dude. No.
Let me go after him and take a look. Jesus.
"Jesus."
Hell, you gay for this guy or something?
What? Yeah.
If wanting a lot of money is gay, yeah, I'm Elton John.
Then hurry up. Go do some reconnaissance.
Report back, or I will blow this motherfucker up.
[♪♪♪]
NICK: Kate, I'm outside your building.
No, no, I'm here right now.
Why are you acting strange? NICK: Shit is going on.
I'll explain. Just meet me.
I was about to go out. What's going on?
Please, it's important.
[PANTING]
Nick.
Yeah. What's going on? You okay?
Wait, just stay over there, okay? Please.
Listen, something happened last night.
I was out on this run and...
Well, I started thinking:
"What if this is the last pizza I ever deliver?"
I'd say it's probably a good thing. Heh.
I'm super busy right now. This is not the best time.
Right now is kind of all I have.
Come by and we'll talk. There isn't time.
Okay, can I tell you the single worst mistake of my life?
Okay.
It was sleeping with you. Thanks.
No, that's when I knew for sure that I was in love with you.
What I didn't know was how the fuck to deal with it, so I screwed it all up.
That was, like, eight years ago. I know.
But I just want you to know that if today was the final day
of my brief and shitty existence,
and I could only see one more person,
it would be you. Nick.
I gotta go.
Wait, you can't just say all this and walk away.
Unfortunately, I have to.
Also, I told Chet we had sex.
What the fuck?
I think it's his girlfriend. They've been up there for a while.
Homeboy's trying to get one last blowjob in case he don't make it.
Heh. I like his style.
Yeah.
What's up? Just fixing the banister. Cool.
Yeah, we got the banister under control.
DWAYNE: Yo, Juicy, what's happening? This is King Dwayne.
I have been thinking about you a lot.
And I don't know, I just feel cool inside.
I'm excited to get this money and me and you to kind of start our thing.
I've been thinking a lot about the polishing-the-scepter deal.
I know that's not really for polishing. You're talking about sucking my dick.
But I just want you to know that it's going to be mutual.
You won't just have to polish my scepter, I will also lick your crown,
which is a euphemism for, you Know, eating your pussy.
Give me a call when you get a chance.
Okay, goodbye.
♪ Keep your eye on top ♪♪
Did my penis shrink to 12 inches? You're early for your shift.
No, Chris, I quit. Fuck you.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
[♪♪♪]
NICK: Whew.
You were in there almost 20 minutes. Yeah, I had a lot of shit to air.
Mr. Burger? Get me one?
I did, but you took so long, I ate it. Oh, come on.
Give me one of those 5-hour Energy fuckers.
I drank those too. Motherfucker.
NICK: Let's go. CHET: Let's go rob the bank.
NICK: And get this fucking bomb off.
[♪♪♪]
CHET: I can't believe this.
NICK: You go for the money. I'll cover the crowd.
I'm not feeling great.
I drank three 5-hour Energy drinks, and it's just too much energy.
I'm cramping up from all the energy, my arms are jittery.
Dude, settle down. You ready for this?
Yes. Let's do it, come on.
Wait. What?
What do I call you in there if I need to tell you something?
Call me Tivon, you be Darius. I can tell you're not a black guy.
All right. You're still Darius, I'm Luis.
What if we're both Hispanic? Like, we met in a gang in prison.
I like that. We stabbed a guard, escaped, now we're on the run.
Yes, two loco motherfuckers and that's how we roll in.
Nothing's getting in our way. Wait.
What? I don't have a Hispanic name.
Oh, yeah. You're Cruz.
That's a great fucking name.
Let's do this.
[♪♪♪]
Bank robbery, fools. NICK: Put your hands in the air.
CHET: No, get down on the ground.
Listen to him and get on the ground.
CHET: Hey, back away. All you guys, back away.
Don't think about it. Nobody press the button.
I'll shoot one of these people.
Now get over there and get on the ground. Now, go, go, go.
Stand there, don't do shit. CHET: On the ground.
Key lime, look down.
Don't make any sudden moves, okay?
Mustache, stop looking at my face.
We killed a guard, we're not afraid to kill again.
We stabbed him in the eye with a spoon.
Now, slowly, get down and take your gun out and toss it.
Come on, quicker. All right.
No. Oh! NICK: What the fuck?
I don't want this gun.
You do that on purpose? An accident.
Are you working together?
Please take this gun away. Just toss it, lady.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Fuck, unh!
[GIRL SOBBING]
I think she hit the femoral artery. Unh!
I'm so sorry, it was an accident.
Fuck you. Who slides a gun like that?
This guy just got shot. He's gonna die and we're going to prison.
Luis and Cruz are never going back.
MAN: Why isn't anybody getting me help?
Let me see where you're hit. WOMAN: He's dangerous.
It's just a flesh wound. You're okay.
Cruz, how are we doing on that money?
Cruz.
Oh, uh, sorry, Luis. Um...
Don't make a sound.
You, what's your name? Sandra.
CHET: All right, Sandra,
you just get us a bag with $100,000.
We'll grab it. No one will get hurt.
Can I trust you?
All right, let's go. Let's get some money.
Cruz, you're breaking your own rules.
Not the vault, stick to the tellers. Right.
I don't have that much at the counter. I have to go in the vault.
Fuck it. Go to the vault, let's go.
Go, go, go. Hurry, hurry, hurry.
MAN: My leg really hurts. NICK: This guy's leg really hurts.
CHET: Quickly, Sandra.
A dude's been fucking shot.
Hurry, please. NICK: Come on, time is money here.
MAN: Get me help, somebody.
You wanna get shot in the other knee? Didn't think so, keep it down.
CHET: Okay.
Okay, I got it. NICK: Good.
Thank you, Sandra.
I'm sorry, everybody. I know we probably fucked up your day.
I'm thinking of you in particular, sir.
Actually, you know what?
Here, peel a few bills off, on me.
Anybody rats this guy, I'm coming after you, I remember faces.
Right, Cruz? He remembers faces.
There you go, sir.
[ALL GASP]
[YELLING]
Sandra, what was that? What happened to our trust?
I'm sorry, they make us do it.
Hey, Sandra, we need you here. We all do.
So would you please fill another bag?
And not a bank bag this time, a garbage bag. Cruz, watch her.
CHET: Let's go, come on. And none of your antics this time.
Go, go, fill it up. I'm watching you.
We're not friends no more.
Give me the bag, quickly.
Thanks, Sandra.
Let's go. Let's go, let's go.
[ALARM WAILING]
Which one of you tripped the alarm?
Sandra, don't tell me you did that too.
No, it was Mark. He pushed the button when you came in.
Sandra, you bitch. They're gonna kill both of us.
Fuck you, you're the manager. No, fuck both of you.
I am a regular guy. And you fucked me.
So thank you for fucking a regular guy.
And his partner, Cruz.
That's right, Donner-Wells, you got robbed.
[TIRES SCREECH AND SIREN WAILS]
Oh, fuck. Drop your weapons.
Yes, sir. Fuck.
Put your hands on your head.
Now, slowly, get your ass on the ground.
Do it now.
Guess what, you just brought a gun to a bomb fight, officer.
I pull these wires, we all go, you got “IO seconds to drop your weapon.
One, two. Oh, fuck this.
CHET: I can't believe that worked. That was awesome.
He was tempting a desperate motherfucker.
[♪♪♪]
Holy shit, homeboy's got the Federales in hot pursuit.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[GLENN FREY'S "THE HEAT IS ON" PLAYS]
There's police cars chasing us. Well, we just robbed a bank.
♪ The heat is on On the street ♪
Can't outrun these guys in a Datsun. I can, I do this for a living.
No, you don't. You deliver pizzas. That's nothing like this.
Hang on.
[HORNS HONKING]
CHET: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tokyo Drift away from them or something.
♪ Just to stay alive 'Cause the heat is on ♪
Fuck. One guy spun out, the other guy...
Never mind, keep going, keep going, keep going.
♪ Oh, whoa, ho Oh, whoa, ho ♪
Hang on. What are you doing?
Bang a 180, blow by them in the opposite direction.
No, don't bang. No need for a bang.
NICK: Ready? Hang on.
♪ Tell me, can you feel it Tell me, can you feel it ♪
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[HORN HONKING]
We're facing the same, that was a 360. I overshot it.
Oh, go, go, go. NICK: Whoa, whoa!
♪ The heat is on The heat is on ♪♪
He's right behind us.
[SCREAMS]
The stoplight, please stop. Stop, stop.
Whoa! That guy got fucked up.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[BOTH GASPING]
NICK: Are you okay? CHET: Yeah.
NICK: We gotta keep moving, come on.
[GRUNTING]
OW. Ow. Ow.
All right, come on. Okay.
CHET: Here, take the money. Take the money.
NICK: Okay, thanks.
Okay, okay. All right. Whoa.
CHET: Look at this. Look what happened to the Datsun.
Mr. Fisher is not gonna be pleased.
The cops are coming, come on. Oh, shit.
NICK: Hold on. CHET: We're trying to get away.
NICK: Okay, okay, I'm getting away.
Got a piece of the car stuck in you. What?
Where? Aah! It's in your back, I'll get it.
CHET: Get it out, please. Stay still.
[SCREAMS]
Sorry. I'm gonna get tetanus now.
Was it rusty? Come on.
[♪♪♪]
Okay, what do we do now? What should we do now?
NICK: Bus, bus.
Slow down, slow down.
CHET: Hey, please stop.
Thank you.
WOMAN: Police Department officials say unidentified suspects,
one, possibly both, of Hispanic descent,
entered the bank, taking a substantial amount of cash.
Hey. You know what happened to the guys they were after?
It sounds like they got away.
That's terrible. I hope that they catch them.
[♪♪♪]
NICK: There is 100 grand in here.
A hundred fucking grand, man, which we stole from a bank. Whew.
I told people I was gonna shoot them. I was like:
"Move, I'll kill you where you stand." I threatened to blow up a cop.
You never said, "I'll kill you where you stand."
But shit did get crazy. Yeah.
Held my gun sideways at one point. Yeah, you did.
There is no one I would have rather taken down a bank with, I mean that.
Me, neither.
As for all that shit I said and that shit I did, I just hope you can forgive me.
I don't think anybody else would be friends with me.
You're talking to a guy who slept with his best friend's ex-girlfriend,
split up his parents' marriage, sat on the sidelines,
watched him go through a downward spiral.
Those are the actions of a shitty human being.
I don't know who else would be best friends with me.
Then it's good we know each other. Come here.
You still have a bomb strapped. Yeah, you're right.
But you owe me a hug. Whoa. Sure.
Ha-ha. The 'Stang. I didn't think I'd see you again.
[GRUNTS]
Whew.
It's all gravy from here.
One hundred thousand dollars, done and done.
[PHONE RINGING]
This who I think it is?
Can't you hear the ticking in the background?
Ah, funny guy, huh?
Well, can it, this shit ain't over yet. Save the fucking routine.
There's an old rail road bridge on Commerce, past the highway.
Be there in 20. I'll be there in 10.
Be standing with your dick in one hand and my money in the other.
No, you will... Hello?
No, he heard it.
Fucking asshole.
Juicy, yeah, wrangle your boy. Money's on its way.
Goddamn. How good does this shit feel, huh?
It's as good as shit, dude. Heh, heh.
Fucking victory tacos, dude.
I'm not ashamed to admit it, Travis.
I've had some dark times these last few years.
There was depression, anorexia, addiction,
and all kinds of shit that I'm not gonna even go into.
Starting today, all that shit's the past.
I finally fucking done it, man. I finally pulled it off.
Yeah, I mean, we did, dude. Together, you and me.
We make a pretty good team. Hm. Do we?
Yeah, dude. Yeah?
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
DWAYNE: All right, then. Would you do it?
Would you push the button? Why would you want me to do that?
It's just a question, Travis. You said nobody gets hurt, Dwayne.
He hasn't even made the drop, anyway, so...
I wouldn't ask you to blow him up right now, that'd be stupid.
Not while we're eating tacos.
[SIGHS]
I gotta take a shit, dude. Whew.
Hola, Marcela. Aren't you looking muy Caliente today?
[♪♪♪]
Wait. Did you tell the guy you're bringing a friend?
No.
What if he gets freaked out and decides to shoot me?
You wanna go?
Yes. You got my blessing.
[OVER CAR SPEAKERS] ♪ Ante up! Yap that fool ♪
♪ You want big money Kidnap that foo/ ♪
♪ If you up in the club Back out your pistol money ♪
♪ Catch them fools at the bar For that Cristal money ♪
♪ The '87 stick-up kids What you niggas sayin'? ♪
♪ Get the fuck up out that 740, shorty I ain 't playin' ♪.♪
CHANGO: You know what? Enough about your uncle touching you.
I don't wanna hear it any more. He touched you, get over it.
Hey. Hey, what's up, bro?
How are you doing?
Where are the other guys? It's just me, dog.
You can call me Sugar Milk, bro. Sugar Milk.
Sugar Milk? Yeah, yeah.
You got the money? Yeah, yes.
Oh, my God, it's so pretty.
It's so pretty, bro. Look at it.
Oh, my God. What did you do? Rob a bank?
Yeah. You did?
Yeah. All right, that's cool, man.
I'm proud of you. Check you later. Wait. Hey, man, where's the code?
I don't know no code. What code?
Just give me the code, okay?
Like Da Vinci Code, like code red, like the "Contra" code?
Like, "Up, down, up, down, select, select, A, B, A, B, left, right, left, right"?
Stop messing with me. Just give me the code, okay?
No, I don't have no code, bro.
Give me the code for the bomb, okay?
[♪♪♪]
Who brings a fucking bomb to a drop, homey?
Your boss put this on me.
I am my boss. Good, then give me the code.
Say "code" again, please. Say it one more time, say it.
No. I'll shoot you in the face.
I'll shoot you so you don't explode and mess up my shit.
Say "code" one more time. I wanna hear it.
I want the money back.
You want this money? Yes.
This money that you just gave to me? Yes, give me the money back.
The only way you're gonna get it is if you kill to me. Which you ain't gonna do.
You don't know what I've been through.
Do I fucking look sympathetic, homey?
Now step the fuck aside. Now.
Chango, watch out. Aah!
[JUICY SCREAMING]
Wanna fuck with me, little man? CHET: There's a lady on top of me.
Get this lady off me. Aah! She's biting my ear. She's biting my ear.
NICK: Get off my friend.
Aah!
CHET: Shit, let's go, let's go, let's go. NICK: Get in the car. Chet.
CHET: You're a bad person. Aah! NICK: Get in the car.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
She's getting up, she's getting up, she's getting up.
Little bitches!
What the fuck was that? They tried to screw us, man.
You were a liability, they were gonna let you blow up.
Not with the money, they won't.
I'm gonna call that motherfucker.
Yeah, shit's looking good. Just don't make it too boxy, man.
I'm not trying to look like Arsenio Hall when I go and identify the body.
Okay.
[PHONE RINGS]
Take this.
Heh. Did you drop the money?
No, I still got the money and we cracked your friend's face open.
Why the fuck would you do that?
NICK: You lied, you said I 'd get the code.
Uh... He did not? I gave him the code. You didn't give him shit.
The code, or you'll never see this money.
DWAYNE: Just settle down, all right?
You're not negotiating from a point of leverage.
I'm holding the money.
I blow up, it blows up, who has the leverage now?
Go ahead and press the button. Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Don't tell him to push the button. Shut up.
Watch what the fuck you're saying. I own you, all right?
If I tell you rob a bank, you rob a bank. If I tell you to give me money,
give me money and hope I give you mercy.
I'm tired of this. I'm already dead.
Fuck you, I'll die rich. I can't say the same for you.
Get me out of the car.
Pull over and let me get out of the car right now.
I'm getting out, that's what's happening.
Pull over the fucking car. Chet.
CHET: I'm out of the car. Chet, get back in the car.
Why? That was so stupid.
That was a negotiation tactic, okay?
He'll call back and I won't answer. He'll call again and I will.
The only way he gets the money is if he gives the code.
Okay, I'm sure that's what he'll do.
Wait, no, it's not, because he's a fucking psychotic.
[LINE RINGING]
[SNIFFS]
Now, he's not gonna answer. He's gonna pretend I don't exist.
Does this guy not know who the fuck I am?
[DWAYNE GRUNTS]
Goddamn it. Fucking shit.
Dwayne.
You never told me you weren't gonna give him the code.
We're not amateurs, all right? He's a loose end, man.
You know what happens if you let a loose end go away?
I could just be sitting in my mansion,
all of a sudden, the FBI, the CIA, NASA, they'll all converge there.
Because he's turned state's evidence and he can fucking lock me away.
You know what? Fuck that, fuck it.
I'll kill the major myself. I don't need a hit man.
Don't. I'm gonna smoke him.
I gave him chances and he blew it.
He wants to be an asshole, a big man. He's gonna die now.
Dwayne, don't.
Seriously, don't. Three, two...
One, boom.
I just killed somebody.
MAN [ON RECORDING]: Hello and welcome to Moviefone.
To use our new speech-enabled system...
Travis, why the fuck was that Moviefone?
What's the number for the bomb?
It's in my head, man.
I switched it out when you were taking a shit at Taco Boy.
You're out of control.
I'm out of control? Yeah.
I'm in perfect control. You're not.
Benedict Arnold, you little bitch. TRAVIS: Stop it.
You're a fucking traitor. You're a traitor to me.
Fuck. Stop it. OW!
Stop. Oh!
Shit. You motherfucker.
I make you my partner and you pull this shit with me?
I'm just tired of you pushing me around, Dwayne.
What kind of partner does that? Fuck you.
I'm gonna probably piss blood now.
Yeah, that's what it said on the Internet.
[PHONE RINGS]
Would you get the phone out? I don't have the strength.
Just put it on the table, on speakerphone.
Glad to see you finally came to your senses, asshole.
CHANGO [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, bro?
[♪♪♪]
[WHISPERS] Who is that?
Honestly, I have no idea. Who is this?
Let me give you a little hint.
Your bomb boy just jumped me, tossed my bitch like a rag doll,
and split with the cash. Does that ring a bell?
Uh... That's not my boy. That dude is a dick.
I'm sorry for the confusion he might have caused us today.
Confusion? The only motherfucker who's confused is you.
Because apparently, you think you can fuck with my world and survive.
I'm not trying to fuck up your world, I'm trying to fuck up his world.
Man, understand, you're like a pawn I'm playing in a much larger game here.
A pawn? Did you just fucking call me a pawn, homey?
I'm not a chess piece, I'm like a battleship.
I didn't mean it that way. I'm just juggling a lot of shit right now.
I don't give a fuck. I want my money now.
I don't have the money right now.
If you give me a little time, I can come up with it.
Know what? The deal's off.
You just became the hit. Congratulations, motherfucker.
What did he say? Are we good?
He says he's gonna kill me.
The fucking assassin is now going to kill me.
Oh, shit. Are you serious?
He's gonna fucking shoot me now. I'm gonna die, game over.
Hey, come on, man, don't say that.
We're gonna get the money like we planned.
We just have to get the leverage back.
How do we do that?
We hit that pizza fuck where it hurts.
What, in his dick? No, in his pussy.
Oh.
CHET: I don't think this is gonna work.
NICK: I know, please try it once.
I'll try, if it doesn't work, no more tactics, call the guy.
Okay, okay. All right.
Okay.
All right, three, two, one.
Ah! Fuck. Fuck, man.
It's not working. Yeah, your arms are there.
We need to cut off your arms, but you have to have your arms.
Okay, I will try him.
[LINE RINGS]
DWAYNE [ON RECORDING]: Yo, this is the king. Leave a fucking message.
It went straight to voicemail.
What are we gonna do, man?
If those guys don't pick up, you're gonna explode.
In an hour, you'll be dead. All right, I'll call him again.
TRAVIS: One of the best shows I ever saw.
DWAYNE: Shh. Be quiet.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[GASPS]
That's right. Shit just got real for you, slumdog.
[TRAVIS GIBBERING]
Who the fuck are you? DWAYNE: Get her.
[WOMEN SHOUTING ON TV]
Get out of my... WOMAN 1: Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
WOMAN 2: Have you lost your mind? WOMAN 3: Have you lost yours?
[OBJECT CRASHES IN DISTANCE]
WOMAN 3: Have you lost yours?
Dwayne?
[♪♪♪]
Chill out right there, homey. Chill out right there.
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna walk you through it.
I'm just here for Dwayne, okay? That's it.
Even if I knew where he was, I wouldn't tell you nothing.
Don't be stupid, bro. Come on, tell me.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, I saved a beaner's life in the shit.
So if I took yours, we'd be even.
A beaner, huh?
That shit cuts deep, I'm not gonna lie. That was good.
Mm-hm. Why are you trying to protect him?
He hired me to kill you, motherfucker.
Sounds like my son. Where is he?
Where the fuck is he?
[LAUGHS]
You think I'm scared of death, huh?
There's a whole generation of gooks that think I'm the grim reaper.
[GRUNTS]
Come here, you.
[GRUNTING]
I'll ride you all the way to hell. And I know just how to get there.
Are you for serious, dog?
Nobody can fucking kill to me, bro. Go ahead and Shoo...
Aah! Aah!
[GROANING]
Didn't think I was gonna do it, right? People always do that shit.
Really? A fucking pen gun?
Motherfucker.
[GROANS]
[♪♪♪]
You're a fucking badass, bro. You're a pimp.
Remember, you're a pimp. That's what your ma said.
Your ma told you you were a pimp.
[PANTING]
You're a pimp.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah.
What the fuck is this shit?
The scrapyard?
I should just become a bank robber. I was pretty good at it.
Teachers don't make shit. Bank robbers make bank.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey, hey, it's them. Shit.
Don't mess this up. Okay.
Are you ready to talk now? Yeah, I'm ready, I want my money.
Good, then give me the code. I will disarm this thing.
I will leave the money and you get it. Trust me when I say I don't want it.
Yeah, I'm sure, you're so ready to get back to your fantastic life, huh?
Your awesome job and that sweet, hot little bitch of yours.
What is that supposed to mean?
The little lady that you paid a visit to today?
She's sitting in the back of my van right now,
let's say, it's not consensual.
Fuck you. You crossed the line.
There are no lines. There's just me, you and $100,000.
The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you get her and your life back.
What did he say, man? Meet me in the scrapyard, alone.
Try anything crazy, and both y'all are gonna be delivering pizzas to St. Peter.
Let me talk to her.
Fine. He wants to talk.
TRAVIS: He wants to talk to me? What do I say?
No, to her, he wants to talk to her. Oh.
Why would he wanna talk to you? Right, sorry.
KATE: Nick? Fuck, Kate, I am so sorry.
KATE: It's okay. I'm fine.
I'm just really scared. Enough, she's wasting my minutes.
She's just really gonna die if you fuck this up, got it?
[♪♪♪]
Fuck.
Nick, what's going on? Who were you talking to?
I fucked up, Chet. What did you do?
When we went into town earlier, it wasn't just to tell off my boss.
I mean, I did that too, but, um, I saw Kate.
While you had a bomb strapped to you? Are you kidding me?
I thought I was being careful. I went to see her in case I exploded.
The guys followed me, I had no idea. Of course you didn't.
What was the one thing I asked you? I know.
I helped you rob a bank, man. I put a gun up to people's faces.
I committed a crime, I could go to jail. My whole life could be over.
Okay, I know I fucked up, okay? But...
We have the money, okay?
And as long as we have the money, she is safe.
Let's just stop arguing and go get her.
[♪♪♪]
[TRAVIS GRUNTING]
KATE: Stop it.
NICK: You got it? CHET: Yeah, just don't mess this up.
NICK: Hey. Hello?
Yo, I'm here, I made it.
How much time you got left? Four minutes and nine seconds.
That's cutting it a little close. All right.
I got the cash, so give me the code and Kate.
Or maybe we can chill out, wait for the money shot.
That's very funny. Now give me the fucking code.
Fine, 69, 69, 69.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. Man, don't judge me.
It's my favorite sexual position.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, how's that feel? Free man.
I'm not free yet. Where is she?
Come on, Travis, what the fuck, dude? This is the signal.
TRAVIS: I'm coming. She knocked over my soda.
Kate. KATE: Nick, is that you?
NICK: You're gonna be okay. A tearjerker, isn't it?
Come on, man, let her go. I will, in time.
I want you to know my associate here is rocking a flamethrower.
TRAVIS: Be cool, man. Do not be crazy.
DWAYNE: Yeah, unless you think you can outrun a 25-foot flame, or a bullet.
Which you can't, FYI. No, it's impossible.
Do you want the money? Yes.
Give me the girl. Meet in the middle.
Yeah, sure. Move, woman.
[♪♪♪]
On the count of three.
One, two, three. Okay.
NICK: It's okay, it's okay.
DWAYNE: Holy shit. TRAVIS: Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
KATE: What's going on? DWAYNE: You lovebirds.
You go ahead and go home now, it's over.
I have this suspicion that once we turn around,
you're gonna put a bullet in our backs and, uh...
This is a guess: He's gonna burn our bodies.
They say great minds think alike. I guess, in this case, so do we.
I know. That's why I have a gun pointed at you too.
Yeah, I got a sniper and he's locked on you right now.
His name is Cruz and he's a loco motherfucker.
Hey, Cruz.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, right. Bullshit.
How dumb do I look?
Nice try. Yeah, a sniper.
Holy shit, Dwayne, on your forehead. What?
A red dot. You look like one of her people.
There's a what? Shit.
Oh, you son of a bitch. NICK: Thank you, Cruz.
Well played. All right, now, drop the gun.
Put it down, it's on your chest now. A fucking sniper.
And you too. I can't, it's attached to my backpack.
Can I just point it down? NICK: Yeah, that's fine.
Thanks. Now, we're gonna walk away.
Try anything, my sniper will shoot you.
You're so tough, huh? You had to use a sniper to outdo us.
That's a pussy move. Suck it.
Who cares? We got the money. Yeah. Fuck them.
Wasn't expecting to see you here.
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
Nick? Nick.
Whoa, whoa. CHANGO: Where are you going?
Don't leave the party just yet, hold up.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm the motherfucking Satanic Hispanic, doggie.
TRAVIS: Oh, Shit. DWAYNE: Oh, fuck.
We were looking for you. We got your money here.
All right, throw it down. Yeah, it's yours, there you go.
[GUN COCKS]
TRAVIS: Hey, what the fuck, man? We paid you. Put the gun down.
It's disappointing the way you guys do business. It's fucked up.
I got shot with a pen today. With a fucking pen, bro.
Right in my neck.
And I got hit in the face with a crowbar or something by the little kazoo guy.
I don't know what you're talking about. Take your money.
I am, and then tie up you two loose ends.
We're not loose ends.
Dumb motherfucker, you're as loose as ends get.
Dwayne, what do we do? Torch him.
[♪♪♪]
CHANGO: Aah! What the fuck, bro? A flamethrower?
[SCREAMING]
CHANGO: You motherfuckers. Dwayne!
[TRAVIS & CHANGO SCREAMING]
Nick, come on. We gotta go, come on.
I'll be right back.
[CHANGO SCREAMS]
CHANGO: I'm a pimp.
[SCREAMS]
Kate. What are you doing here?
I'm Cruz. Where's Nick? He ran off.
What is going on?
Motherfuckers are on fire. We need to leave now.
NICK: Hey.
I got the money. CHET: Okay, let's go.
[♪♪♪]
DWAYNE: That's my money.
[ENGINE STARTS]
TRAVIS: Dwayne, I'm melting. I'm melting!
Travis. TRAVIS: Oh, God!
Help me, Dwayne. DWAYNE: I got you, buddy.
Hang tough, here I come. I got you.
[TRAVIS SCREAMING]
DWAYNE: I got you, buddy. I got you, buddy.
Travis, Travis, Travis.
Are you all right? Are you okay, man?
Yeah.
Dwayne, you came back for me. You said you never would.
You did good. You didn't hesitate.
That's what she said.
Yeah, that is what she said.
It works there. It finally works.
I'm gonna go put a bullet in that asshole's face, go get our money back.
You gonna be able to get home okay? Yeah, I can.
Go fucking get him, dude. I will.
Good fucking work. Yeah, man.
[TRAVIS GROANS]
Go get our fucking money.
KATE: You had a bomb strapped to you?
Yeah, but we got away.
For the second time with the money.
So when you came to see me today...
Yeah. Yeah, I meant everything I said.
Way to get caught up in the moment. Oh, shit. Yo.
[♪♪♪]
You wanna fucking take King Dwayne's money?
You wanna fucking play?
This is not good. Go faster.
KATE: Go, go, go.
Guess who, pizza boy.
Yo, dude, pull over.
Get fucked. No, you don't understand.
You don't understand. Ah, ah, ah...
I own this town.
[TIMER BEEPING]
[CHET SCREAMS]
Why did that van explode?
That bomb I was telling you about?
I typed in the code, reactivated it, put it in that guy's van.
What? That's some John McClane shit, yes.
How did you remember the code? It doesn't matter.
Anyway, we are alive and we are rich.
CHET: This money's gonna change my life.
First, Grand Rapids Elementary? Fuck you, kids.
I'm done, okay? I can do all the stuff I've wanted to do.
Travel the world, spend a little time in Italy, maybe summer in France.
Aah! Oh!
Sandra!
♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Don't you worry, I said, hey Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Don't you worry, I said, hey Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Yo, so /glanced at the girl Girl glanced at me ♪
♪ I whispered in he-r ear "You wanna be with me?" ♪
♪ You wanna look pretty though In my video ♪
♪ Ol' Dirty on the hat And I let you all know ♪
♪ Just dance if you caught up In the Holy Ghost trance ♪
♪ If you stop I'll put killer ants in your pants ♪
♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see FBI, don't you be watching me♪
♪ I don't want no problems 'Cause I put you down ♪
♪ In the ground Where you cannot be found♪
♪ I'm just Dirt Dog Trying to make some money ♪
♪ So give me my streaks And give me my honey ♪
♪ Radios play this all day Every day ♪
♪ Recognize I'm a fool And you love me ♪
♪ None of you nuh Better look at me funny ♪
♪ Nuh, you know my name Now give me my money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
Sing it. ♪ Baby, I got your money♪
Shake it, girls. ♪ Don't you worry ♪
♪ I said, hey ♪ Just shake it right now.
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪ If Dirty wants his money,
♪ Hey, Dirty .P y'all should give him money.
♪ Baby, I got your money Don't you worry ♪
♪ I said, hey Baby, I got your money♪
♪ Yo, nigga playin' in the club Like this all night ♪
♪ Bitches, put your ass out Let me hold it tight♪
♪ You looking at my wrist Saying, "it's so nice" ♪
♪ The price, bitch, is diamonds Shining disco light ♪
♪ Well, you better help me Solve my problem ♪
♪ Or I'm a-get this money And rob them ♪
♪ Lucky dog when I won the lotto ♪
♪ Ran up on my car For carrying raw loads .♪
♪ But hold on, you can call me Dirty And then lift up your skirt ♪
♪ And you want some of this Dirty ♪
♪ God made Dirt And Dirt bust your ass ♪
♪ Stop annoying me, yeah I play my music loud♪
♪ It takes the Bastard Ol' Dirly To move the crowd ♪
♪ They say "He had his dick in his mouth" ♪
♪ Eddie Murphy taught me that Back in the house ♪
Now give me my money. ♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money Don't you worry ♪
♪ I said, hey Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪ ♪ Sexy, sexy, sexy ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money Don't you worry ♪
♪ I said, hey ♪ ♪ Sexy, sexy, sexy ♪
.P Baby, I got your money I.
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪ ♪ Sexy, sexy, sexy ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money Don't you worry ♪
♪ I said, hey ♪ ♪ Sexy, sexy, sexy ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪ ♪ Give me my money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Give me my money ♪ ♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Don't you worry, I said, hey ♪ ♪ it's my money I.
♪ Baby, I got your money Hey ♪
♪ I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend ♪
♪ You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in ♪
♪ And if you do not want To see me again♪
♪ I would understand ♪
♪ Everyone I know Has got a reason ♪
♪ To say♪
♪ Put the past away ♪
♪ I wish you would step back From that ledge, my friend♪
♪ You could cut ties with all the lies That you've been living in ♪
♪ And if you do not want To see me again I.
♪ I would understand ♪
♪ Well, he's on the table And he's gone to code ♪
♪ And I do not think Anyone knows ♪♪
[MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello.
Here at Major Tan, our specially trained engineers are hard at work
developing new technologies to harness the power of the sun.
How's it going in here?
It's our most advanced tanning bed yet.
But don't just take this scientist's word for it.
The proof is in the tan.
Wow. Wow.
But at Major Tan it's not just about looking good.
It's also about feeling good.
♪ Ah! Me so horny ♪
MAN: Whoo! Goddamn.
That deluxe tan was fantastic.
DWAYNE: Our more-than-willing staff is ready to provide for your every need
through our wide variety of custom tans.
The grande tan, the ultra-dark tan, the barely legal tan, the facial tan.
And my personal favorite, the ménage-é-tan.
♪ Me so horny♪
We even offer our own brand of patented tanning pleasure oils
that our female associates are trained to apply.
We love King Dwayne.
Come on down to Major Tan, where we're proud to be a family business.
TRAVIS: That's what she said.