- So, burn or starve? - Well, it's nice to have options.
You know, I think I preferred it when it was chicken or fish.
Sorry, we're heading into the sun?
The big yellow cancer factory made out of lava? That one?
We're not heading into the sun. Just very close to it.
I don't think the preposition's the most important thing here!
The sun doesn't care about grammar.
How about a reverse thrust?
It would add years to the ETA.
Which would have a huge psychological cost.
- Plus, we'd run out of towels. - What about magnets?
Does the ship have big magnets that we could use?
- How would magnets work? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe they could repel excessive heat.
You're right. They do repel heat.
That's why you always see people on the beach
fanning themselves with fucking magnets!
Jesus.
- If Billie's this flustered... - I'm not flustered.
You are. You're being mean and your eyes are vibrating.
Well, yes, because of these fucking lights.
Can we turn these off? It's like being inside a Korean slot machine.
How can we accidently fly into the sun?
That fucker is huge!
I will not die today.
I've blocked out that fiery disc of shit with nothing but a parasol on a beach.
- I beat it then... - Deep breath.
- ...and I'll beat it again. - Okay.
I will die in a fizzy bath surrounded by hookers
on the day of my choice, you understand me?
You understand me?
I swear, when he burns up, he's gonna leave noisy ashes.
Okay. So, the ship is insulated.
So if we move everybody to the starboard side,
which is the cooler side,
maybe... maybe we'll be okay.
Okay, here's the plan. Fuck magnets! We're going with your plan.
AVENUE 5
That's right, this way. Yes, feel free to break into a light jog.
If you're one of those people whose extremities are always cold,
today is your lucky day.
- Rav, you're doing great. - Am I? At what?
Usher at an extinction level event?
- Have you ever tried positive thinking? - No. And now I never will.
Oh, my God. Is that man wearing a woolen polo neck, seriously?
Take off your polo neck, dingus.
Right, everyone, let's get moving. I've found you a...
There's Charles.
Captain Incredible and his amazing day vision.
I found you a temperate corner of the casino to hide out in.
- I lied about their age. - Raf?
- Good catch. - Yeah, good catch, Raf.
Are we gonna need... toothbrushes? I can't find toothbrushes.
That's because I packed them.
Good job. Shall we bring your "father of the year" mug?
Don't mean to interrupt this Jane Austen novel,
but this really is a "hurry the hell up" situation.
And I'm sorry for bringing up the word "hell."
Ryan, I should've told you about Charles.
No, no, no. It's fine. Fine.
I just didn't know he was gonna be here in this room.
- Is... I mean, are you two... - We are very separate.
I can't find my shoes.
- I'll help you... - I'll help you look.
No, there's zero spark between us.
- It's just low level... - Constant resentment.
There's actually more chemistry between you and me than between me and her.
That came out a bit weird.
You do look good in the uniform, though. Elongates your neck.
Thanks.
Well, let's get going before we boil to death.
Broil to death, I should say. It's a dry heat.
I really wish I still had that soda right now.
Let me describe it to you. It was so cold, it was wet on the outside.
Go get me a w... externally wet soda.
- Yes, boss. - Hey.
I'm sorry to interrupt your freak-out.
I just wanna outlive the sun, Matt, is that too much to ask?
Okay. Now, I want you to do an exercise with me, okay?
- Okay. Yeah. - Herman Judd, are you afraid of death?
Yes, very much so.
- Do I win? - No.
I need you to say no when I ask you, "Are you afraid of death?"
N... no?
Great, but when you say "no," I need you to believe in it.
Okay, so, are you afraid of naps?
No. No, I love naps.
Well, death is just a long, beautiful nap.
- So, are you afraid of naps? - No.
- Are you afraid of long naps? - No.
- Are you afraid of death? - No... Wait...
Congratulations. You're ready to die!
- Really? - Yeah.
"Each star is dream." You believe that, Iris?
We dream as we live, alone. Except here, we dream together.
Floor manager, I'm gonna need a new couch. I just fucking gushed all over this one.
We're gonna totally break down the new ep ofAvenue 5.
- Plus, do birds have feelings? - Jealousy?
And we'll be ranking the world's eight most important infinity pools.
What's infinity?
There is breaking "shit your shorts" news.
Time for another slice of "You Should Care About Whaaatt?"
The real Avenue 5 is flying toward the sun.
These are unconfirmed reports. Whatever, I'm confirming it. It is. Guys!
Where are you? Some reactions, please?
Nothing, repeat, nothing is hotter than the sun. This is serious.
It certainly is. Thank you, Gimpymanhand.
The sun is made of gas. They might just pass through it. Science.
Okay, everybody. Let's keep it moving.
Sir, sir. That is... that is groovy, but inappropriate.
Perhaps you didn't hear. We are in full evac mode.
- No, I'm not leaving. - We're flying past the sun.
And it's notoriously hot at this time of year.
This is total bull. I don't get hot.
- Is there a problem? - No, there... Well, yes.
- That he's not leaving. - No, I'm staying put.
You're gonna have to drag me out of here.
Okay, well, there's one of you and there's two of us. So...
I'm just an observer, but, Gary, you'd better do as he says.
Yes. If push comes to shove, I will shove.
Okay. No, fine.
- Shove me. - Game on.
- Come on, shove me. - Please don't make me do this.
I am this close!
- Hear that? His accent's gone. - God!
That means he's losing his shit, man.
The Cockney Ripper, they call him.
He's gonna eat your ass for brunch. He's gonna wear your balls as cufflinks.
- This won't come out of the wall! - I think you need to go to him.
- You want me to do this? I will do this. - Hey, hey, come on.
- No, come on. No, no. - Don't make me ask again.
I am packing serious foam here.
- Fine. - I will foam you!
Fuck the both of you, 'cause I was going anyway.
- I will extinguish you! - I was going anyway!
I will...
Matt, I pulled the trigger, what...
We're flying into the fucking sun, and the fire extinguishers don't work!
Yeah. That's an oversight.
This is a temporary shelter. Find a space.
Houston, we have a pregnant. So please... Make way for my progeny!
Congratulations. How far along are you?
- Four months. - Five months.
No, it's just four months. We've only been back together for four months.
Five months ago you were still with that Scandinavian sex toy.
Is that... Yes. It's been such a blur that I hardly remember his name.
- Mads. - Mads.
- That's right, it was Mads. - Wait, I'll get it.
Thank Christ.
If we make it through this thing, we're naming that baby "Thank Christ."
- No, it's Clarence. - Clarence?
- I kinda like it. - Yeah.
"Clarence, that's not your sandwich."
Welcome, Mr. Judd. I must say it's an honor to serve as your roommate.
Well, the privilege is mine and yours.
Is there a bathroom in here? Or is this also the bathroom?
- It's in here. - Great.
Okay. I'm gonna call that, you can wash in the kitchen.
There is no kitchen.
These are great. Judd brand executive sheets. The best of the best.
Do you have helpers to do everything for you? That's so cool.
No, these guys are just here to take a bullet for me.
I got it, as always. Get out of here, you dope.
Stand guard. Outside.
I'll help you out. I can do hospital corners.
My mom was a very strict psychiatric nurse.
Okay, I can get us out of this. I can... I can do this.
Come on, Billie. I can get us out of this. Can I?
For sure.
What astronaut hasn't danced in the oldcirque du soleil?
We've got this, guys!
No... The eels. The eels. They can't take extreme temperatures.
We've gotta move them. Jaz, we've gotta move them!
I don't think we got this. Coming!
And then, maybe like, four or five... five eels in a bucket.
- Grab some food, shove it in. - Looks like Firesnake's getting frisky.
- You've given them names? - Yeah! Firesnake, Eel Diamond, Hefner.
Hefner is right. It's like watching a bunch of intestines have an orgy.
I need a bucket! Okay, everyone, eel up!
And that was our run-through of the top six film stars who look like lawyers.
- I love that cough. - 'Sup, Dawn Dogs? Iris Kimura is back.
Spin her up.
Okay, so...
- Avenue 5 and the sun. - Lawsuit.
- Not so far apart, huh? Dish, sister. - Yeah, dish.
Crazy times, right?
It's a delicate situation.
And that's why we need viewers like you, Plankboy,
to keep praying and petitioning the government for a rescue plan.
Like it. Don't love it. Not like our next guest.
Her sister died on that ship for real. It's Zara.
Spin her up!
Spicy!
Wow, Frank. You got me some friends to play with.
Oh, my goodness. Human beings. Just feel and smell so good.
- Karen. - Don't "Karen" me.
Because you starved me of human contact, and right now, I'm rabid, okay?
Who wants a yogurt pot popsicle right there?
The stick is a toothbrush and that's a good thing.
Isn't that great?
Hey, Frank. I watch your show with my buddies.
We call ourselves the Frankfurters.
I love it!
So cute. 'Cause Frank is kinda like a sausage.
He's very palatable, but you just don't know what he's full of.
You're upsetting them, so can you please just let this go?
- Really? You want me to let it go? - Yes.
That you hid me in here like a heroin wrap in a prisoner's a-hole?
You want me to let that go, Frank?
'Cause I kinda think your little fans here might like to know everything about that.
- Okay, I'm sorry, sorry. - People, please make yourselves at home.
'Cause I got a whole lot of stuff I want to talk to you about.
Yeah, I could watch these slimy bastards all day.
Pick it up! Put it in your actual mouth if you have to.
- Okay. Calm down, let's find the rhythm. - Come on.
Yes, find... find the rhythm, people. Find the rhythm.
So, Zara, your sister, Sarah, died in space.
Yeah.
- That must suck. - It sucks balls.
All the time. Really does, yeah.
All week, we've been asking the question, "Do we really miss the dead?"
- No. - No.
- Do you? - My dead sister? Oh, God, yeah.
Because she died in space, I can't look up at the sky 'cause it reminds me of her,
so I... can only look forward or down now.
- What a fucking conundrum. - My dead sister and Eyeball.
'Cause that's what my dead sister use to call her,
had a really close relationship, really squadded together.
They'd do stuff like talk about boys.
They'd prank call, you know, down to room service, and just do silly voices,
and just make each other laugh and laugh and laugh.
And we just miss her like mad, don't we, Eyeball?
Yeah.
So much love for Zara up in here.
You have no idea how much I recall her memory.
Her...
Yeah, God. Don't you cry 'cause you're just gonna set me off.
Zara's way cooler than that Irene lady. Why does she sit so funny?
All right, three things wrong there, Sonny Sideburns.
No, she isn't cooler, my name is Iris, and I forget the third, it was so inane.
Let's talk with Zara some more about that special relationship
with her sister, Sarah, who's dead.
- Am I coming back? - Zara, come over here.
- Who is she? - Dead Sarah.
Yeah, I mean, we just had so much in common.
It was... it was sort of freaky. I'm an actor, she was a hand model.
We both liked ham.
Release remaining funds to purchase TV showAvenue 5,
studio... whatever the fuck. Buy it all. I don't give a shit.
Let's skedaddle to the other side of the ship.
Think cool thoughts, everyone. Glaciers. Figure skaters. Scotland.
- Mothers. - Hey, hey.
Meet me in Judd's new cabin in about five minutes.
I found something very interesting.
So, there is a chunnel, a long, thin tunnel,
that the laundry crews use.
The Rat Line.
It's pungent as fuck, but the acoustics are incredible.
Yes, but the thing is, it is 12 degrees cooler there than on the rest of the ship.
Okay, I actually self-regulate my temperature, but I'm excited.
Well then, we just... we... shove everyone in there!
Well, no, it can hold 300 people max.
And of course we have to get the eels in. So...
Well, thank God I didn't smile. It would've been a shame to waste it.
Relax. Three hundred is enough for all of us plus a couple of decoys
in case people try to kill us while we flee.
No, no, no, it's... it's...
- It's children, sick, the elderly, right? - Right.
And the only survivors will be the infirm and the juvenile.
Right, and we don't fit into any of those groups, and we... I mean...
we're going too, aren't we?
I mean...
I always thought that it would make a sound when you hit rock bottom, but...
apparently not.
Oh, my God. I'm so hot. If I went into labor right now,
you'd need oven mitts to get this baby out of me.
Hey, you know. Earlier you said that you were five months pregnant.
I could swear it was four.
Okay, Doug. Do you love me?
- No, it's okay. It's not a trap. - Then yes.
I need to tell you something.
- Wait. Spike. - What... No.
Spike, come here.
What's going on? No one's telling us anything.
Well, that's because they're no one.
Hey, how's our First Family?
You know what, Spike? If my waters were to break,
it would just be a cloud of fucking steam.
Not on my carpet.
- Joking, it's not my carpet. - It's not his carpet.
- Okay. - I found you guys a sweet spot. Come on.
Listen up, everybody.
We have identified a small cool spot on deck one.
- Wait. - And we are gonna give priority to 300...
Three hundred pa... passengers... to...
You know, I'm actually surprised that they let you get that far.
And then Captain Ryan said to me, "You know,
Karen, you remind me of one of those big cats guarding like an Egyptian tomb."
There's a cool tunnel on the other side of the ship!
Bye, Karen.
Honey, did you hear? There's a cool tunnel.
God, I feel like my nipples are about to sweat off.
They're slipping down my chest.
- Honey. - Frank.
If I'm going out there for the first time in five months,
I am going dressed to kill.
I want updates every 30 minutes. Make that every five minutes.
I want rolling news, not some town crier shit.
- This is your nerve center? - Yes.
Looks like you're selling timeshares.
Look, Avenue 5 heading towards the sun is second priority today.
What could be more important than the sun? Literally everything revolves around it.
Iris, I am juggling plates. Watch your feet.
But...
Sorry, you're not on the list. Key workers only!
No, sorry. Head honcho heading in.
Sorry, sorry. Honestly, I hate being saved first.
It's company policy. I'll... I'll be voting against it at our next AGM.
Mads, Mads.
Is this goodbye or is itadios? Auf wiedersehen?
- I still have no idea where you're from. - Wait, wait! Are you cutting me loose?
- I hoped that... - Hope?
You gotta bury that fucker at birth.
Otherwise, you'll never find true happiness. No, that's bullshit, isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you you're a lying, two-faced panda's asshole?
Not those exact words, but ballpark, absolutely.
Frank, loosen your grip. I'm not your hostage anymore.
- It's not me, honey. - I'm sorry.
I assumed that clammy hand was my husband's.
Frank! What, are you waiting to be announced? Just move!
Yeah, we don't want poached Frank.
- Love you, buddy! - Yeah.
Hey, brace yourselves! Or should I say, baste yourselves!
Sorry, ma'am. Frank's a key worker.
Please. He makes pancakes from face flannels. Just...
- Karen. - Frank!
- Out, because I love you! - Okay.
Women and children go first, right?
- Well, this lady is both. - Sure.
- Okay. - Just the mom.
- What? - What? Great. I get it.
As long as my genetic material makes it, I'll be nearly fine.
About that, Doug. There's a chance this baby might not be entirely yours.
Entirely? It's kind of an all-or-nothing type deal, honey.
I'm sorry, this isn't the best time, but we might die and...
- They're closing the doors, I gotta go. - Mia!
Just FYI, I never knew my father and it didn't hurt me one bit.
Oh, God. It's filling up. There may not be enough room for everybody.
Okay, well, you take this spot. Okay? You have morejoie de vivre.
No, you'll be burned alive,
and that's absolutely the worst way in which to be burnt.
I peaked in high school.
- Take care. - Make way!
This... This is your captain shouting. Make way!
Just swear at them. This is not a line at Disneyland.
- Fucking move! - I get it, asshole.
First you throw us out of our rooms, now you're jumping ship.
I'm not jumping ship. I'm going deeper into the ship.
Ryan! Ryan!
- Elena! Elena! Over here! - Take the kids.
- You've gotta take the kids. - Yes. Of course.
Captain, we're running out of room.
Okay. Do two children count as one adult? Are we doing this by weight?
No, with basic humanity, you can't separate them.
- Hang on, do I get a say in this? - Door closes in ten seconds.
Take them.
Right, I'm the captain. Kids, take my hand, come on.
I love you both.
I can't believe I left Karen out there to die.
If she lives, she's gonna be so pissed.
Hopefully she won't die, but if she does, it could be a popularity boost for you.
- Please don't. - I'm just saying there's a bright side.
A sunny side.
God damn it. Why is language taunting us?
- Mia? Mia? Mia! - Doug? Doug, how'd you get in?
I crawled under someone's legs, like a worm!
What do you mean, it might not be my baby?
What? Say what now? Whose... Whose what may not what?
He said, "What do you mean, it may not be my baby?"
Oh, my God. We're about to become human jerky and you wanna talk DNA?
- What, honey? - DNA. Sperm.
Please. Shout more about sperm. Please!
My fertility isn't the issue!
What?
"My," meaning his, "fertility isn't the issue."
He said, "My, meaning 'his,' namely Doug's..."
Stand down, Margaret. I got it.
- Okay, pass these eels along. - Don't look at it!
- I just looked at it! Why did I do that? - Okay. Careful with these.
Their secretions are more valuable than your actual souls.
- It's Charles, isn't it? - Yeah.
You like Charlie or Chuck or...?
- It's just Charles. - Charles.
ONE HOUR FROM CLOSEST POINT WITH SUN
- This one's George Jr. He's really... - Whatever.
It's too hot for small talk. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hey. Elena.
You don't know me, but...
I'm sure Captain Ryan has mentioned me to you.
Well, the first part was right. I don't know you.
He hasn't.
What is he trying to hide?
If Judd... If he still thinks we're roommates after he left me here,
I will shit on his sheets.
- Get down! - Okay? And then I'll...
- Shut up! - Things are about to get ugly.
- That's his head. - You're making it hotter!
- Somebody needs to take charge. - I'm gonna do this...
- Okay. - No, I didn't mean you.
Can I have your attention, please?
Listen, I know that...
you guys historically have responded to people yelling, "Listen up, morons,"
and... and abusive stuff like that, but...
I'm not that guy.
You like me better like this?
You want me to be Papa Loco?
Okay, now if everyone could just shut your eyes, please.
Brian, shut your fucking eyes!
I will shout you calm! Okay?
Listen up, everybody, in 60 seconds,
we will be approaching and passing the apex.
And if we make it past that, we might just be okay,
and if we don't, see you in the next life.
Who am I kidding? There is no next life.
This is the fucking endgame. So, good luck, everybody.
Oh, God. As if I believe in luck.
I absolutely don't. It's just... I'm gonna stop talking now.
Should've stopped talking earlier. I'm sorry.
So, this is death.
What kept you?
Picture peaceful things!
The light dapples through the leaves.
A brook babbles whimsically.
Look at that!
A hedgehog's out!
What an unseasonal delight!
Two maple trees are touching!
There's a pumpkin!
Death is simply a long, beautiful fucking nap!
Oh, my God! No. We've passed the perihelion.
Oh, my God! We... We're... It's... It's going down.
The temperature's going down. We did it!
- Yeah! - This crappy little ship has saved us.
You may frighten vampires, but you don't scare me, Sun.
They're all heroes now.
- Let's use this energy. What's next? - Same as before. We watch and wait.
No, that's an old reference number. Get a new one.
I just bought a whole TV show to raise awareness,
so do you think you could possibly give or at least borrow a shit?
Do I seem like someone who's interested in the optics?
Now, unless you're carrying a metric ton of lithium in your purse,
we're done here. Understood?
Lithium? Why do you care so much about lithium?
I don't. It's a... supremely overrated element.
Wait, why lithium?
All right, everyone, the worst is over.
Unless... Unless we open this door and find...
- Corpses. We may find corpses. - There may be corpses everywhere.
Looks okay, everything looks okay.
- Hallelujah! Provisionally. - The rats are back!
Did you enjoy the acoustics, rats?
I will address your very valid concerns in just a moment. Elena?
Come on. We gotta get the eels back.
I just don't know what happened. It was just...
Okay, well. We were out here, and you were in there.
I'm so sorry if that's confusing for you.
I reached for a bag, and I thought it was one of the kids, and...
- It was me. - It was him.
- Why did you follow him? - Because he pulled me.
He really did a number on my shoulder, actually.
I probably should get it looked at.
- Thank God. You're not cooked. - Frank.
I was worried your head was too big to get out.
You left me here to die alone,
and now the tables have turned and you are dead to me.
You're beyond fucker. You're a super fucker.
I don't know where all this anger's coming from.
I mean, would you really have wanted me to be out here?
In a way, I just saved your best friend.
Me.
You... you said you love us both.
Captain Rathole, do you have any remarks?
- Yeah, thank you, Matt. - I... It was the heat of the moment.
You remember the heat, don't you?
So, we're all agreed, we're all confused?
Mia?
Are you and Ryan gonna fight like you and Daddy?
- No, no, sweetie, no. - No, no.
No, no. We're not fighting, we haven't got the energy.
No, we've survived the sun. We can survive a serious talk. But first, I...
- I should just address the passengers. - Sure.
Well, that moment has passed.
These science numbers are too damn high, Captain.
I get the strangest feeling that however hard I try to imagine space,
it is, in the end, imagining me.
Only two things are limitless.
Imagination and space.
- Stop talking, actors. - Cut there. Take five, everybody.
As your new boss, allow me to say I think you're all doing adequate work.
- It is so nice to... - You need to improve your posture.
This isn't a jacuzzi.
Quick question. Sorry. Great to meet you.
- What time of day is it? - It's 4:18.
No, no, no, in... in the scene we're shooting.
It's hard to know the time of day, because space is always so dark.
So dark.
I believe in this particular scene, it's 4:18.
Wow. Weird coincidence.
Now, meet Zara.
Playing the new Chief Science Officer, Sarah.
Everyone, just so you know, yeah, the bird that got this gig is back there.
That's Zara, I am Sarah. Yeah.
- You get that? - Sarah.
- Cool. - People like her.
I don't know why. I don't care.
She gives us profile, so she's the star of the show now.
Hey, hey, anyone. Am I gonna get a chair?
Not being a diva, but I'm just stood here like a fucking plum, so... Anybody, hello?
You, you're off the show. Get out.
- Thank you so much. Bye. - Clean out your trailer.
Cool.
Spirited. I really hate that in a person.
Revised and Synchronized by FAST TITLES MEDIA