What the actual fuck?
- You need to stop them! - How? With magic beans?
I don't know. Tear gas. Rubber bullets. Bullet bullets!
- Do we have any of that? - It's a cruise ship.
- We have a scented candle shop and a spa. - We used to.
Let it burn, baby. Let it burn.
AVENUE 5
Everybody to the bridge!
- Where's Ryan? - Let's smash down the doors!
- Let's use her as a battering ram! - No! Hey! Hey! I just ate.
I'm gonna throw up if you don't... What are you doing? Oh, my God!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - No, no. No need!
I'm right here.
Oh, come on. Put Karen down. She looks even sadder horizontal.
I'm sorry, again.
But I know that sorry is... is too small a word.
- Here's a small word. Fuck you! - Yeah!
- Well, that's actually two words. - Let's pull his teeth out!
- No, no, no, no! - Wait! Everyone, please, stop!
- Okay, who's this talking to me? - Can you patch me ship-wide?
It's not allowed, but sure.
It's your hearts that p...
What the...
- I hate to be presumptuous... - Who's this prick?
...but can I suggest a more peaceful solution?
I like him.
Let's not punish a guy who should never have been put in charge.
I mean, he's just one step up from animatronic.
- It's true. - Actually, I hate him.
I say, maybe we take charge.
- Yeah! - Okay!
- Come on! I can't hear you! - Yeah!
I smell a shake-up, Iris. This might actually be a good thing.
Yeah! Let's do it!
- You do realize this is an uprising? - You are not seeing the bigger picture.
I am and it's called "Still life of you being strung up."
"Passengers" contains the word "ass,"
'cause that's how they see us.
Well, not anymore.
I see people with two eyes.
You know what else has two I's?
"Citizens."
- He means the spelling! - Yeah!
All right, opaque wordplay! Never a bad time for it.
You know what else has two I's? Whiskey on the rocks.
- Yeah! - We need ideas from everyone.
Yeah!
As citizens, I say we form a citizens' assembly and run this ship!
- Yeah! - Who's with me?
- Together there are more of us. - Yeah!
The twilight of the moron-tyrant is upon us!
- Sorry, Ryan. It's over. - Thank fuck for that.
I mean, obviously, it'll be a loss,
but snap my neck and bury me in a shallow bog, what a relief.
Security, take Ryan below decks.
- Smart move, Iris. - Him too.
Fuck you, Iris. This is treason, that's what this is.
This is for your own good.
So they don't chop off your hands and turn them into soap dishes.
There's a word for people like you. Treasoners.
Oh, my God, will they be tortured?
No. They'll just be held in the same room. So, yes.
Isaac Davis, ladies and gentlemen! Because not all heroes wear hats!
- Together there are more of us! - Yeah!
Then what's your least favorite color?
I don't know. Whatever color you are, I suppose.
No, stop that. We're not gonna do this.
You understand those fuckers want us to have a horrible time.
Well, I say we prove them wrong and get along out of spite.
I say we sit here in silence and wait for death.
Pray for death.
Some combination of sitting and death, I say.
This is you. I want to show you what you look like to me.
"I'm Captain Ryington Misery-ford."
"I'm a British space-gentleman and manic-depressive without the manic."
"All I wanna do is sit naked
and suck up marmalade."
There's that smile. There's that little pretty laugh.
- See, we can do this. - Oh, God. I have to hand it to you.
You are the most positive idiot I have ever met.
That's sweet. A lot of people tell me that.
You know what? I think you're ready to connect.
- What if we cover everything in glitter? - Skipping ropes in every room!
Ginger is not an ethnicity.
I got three suggestions. Gold, food tokens, or teeth.
The Engineering Committee has unanimously voted against allowing you to join.
But I'm the ship's chief engineer. And you're an aroma therapist.
Okay. Next up is food shortages.
The cannibal. Okay, go ahead, say it. We all eat each other.
No. We could use the arboretum to grow vegetables.
That's actually a really good idea.
It's perfect for when you have a friend for dinner.
This fucking guy.
When I was five, I stole my father's ride-on lawnmower
and drove it into our compound's electrified fence.
That was the first time I ever saw him cry. He loved that fence.
Okay, your turn.
When I was 27, I had this small vineyard just outside Dundee
with my best friend Phillip.
And in the evening, summer's evening, I would sit there with a glass of wine
and just look at the vines and think, "My God, these vines, they just grow.
I don't have to do anything." "That's the dream."
Amazing. You really are such a lazy fuck.
And then the vineyard went bust and Phillip shot himself in the head.
But he missed, so he spent the next 20 years as a vegetable.
On Sundays, I would take his kids to see him and they'd say,
"When will daddy wake up?"
Really?
- No. I just made it up. - Why would you do that?
Seemed like fun?
Dude, there's something wrong with your brain.
You belong in the Museum of depressed British-fucking-assholes.
That is my favorite museum.
- Why is that your favorite museum? - Because it's quiet.
Welcome to the first meeting of the Education Committee.
We think that the kids should be grouped by ability.
- What if your kid isn't academic? - Why would my kid not be academic?
Well...
Excuse me?
- What, you think I'm dumb? - No.
I think mixed ability sets for all subjects.
Why should my kid suffer because your kid can't find his ass in a sleeping bag?
- Thank you. - Hey, don't talk about my kid like that.
I'm sorry. Do you want to go to school right now? 'Cause I'll take you to school.
You ready for lunch, buddy? 'Cause I got a sandwich for you!
- I got two of them! - Order!
Here's the fucking playground. And here's the fucking...
Okay. The safety committee are drunk.
The logistics committee have locked themselves out.
And the crimes committee want to outlaw pool shoes.
- Oh, my God! Shut up! - And that's the welfare committee.
People, can't you see yelling diminishes us all!
Can I swap my gavel for a sledgehammer? My group is out of control.
No, there's just too much democracy. It's like fifth-century Athens.
We need a strong leader. We need a tough decision-maker.
- Yes. - We need a dictator.
- What? - But a benign dictator.
Yeah, let's play with matches.
Did the ship just lurch to the right?
You'd think I'd hate bronze, but it's actually a kick-ass color.
I mean, it's essentially gold with balls and a machete.
People are coming! Quick, laugh, so they think we're having a good time.
- And I said, "I'm hilarious." - Which is hilarious!
- We didn't know you guys were coming. - Mi amor! I've come to rescue you!
- Great. - No, not you.
Well, I don't need to be rescued. Wherever I am is the best place to be.
Oh, my God, Elena, you are a sight for sore ears.
And Charles, what are you, the muscle?
No, I'm the horse you ride off on. Giddyap.
Oh, Christ, what is this?
It's chaos up there, so you have to do something.
So you're rescuing me by taking me out of the panic room and into the panic.
A lot of people still see you as the captain, especially when you wear the hat.
I'm not wearing the hat. It's a stripper hat.
All the more reason to wear it.
Come on, just do something. Be brave. Be a bit more like TV Ryan.
Wait a minute, you... you don't like me just because I'm the captain, do you?
- No. No! It's for the passengers. - She does.
People, the system isn't working. There's too many I's...
in the citizens' assembly.
He means the spelling but also the number of people.
I agree.
Hi. That exceptionally smart passenger is correct.
This ship needs a strong, singular voice.
Yeah, that comes out of a mouth, not from an asshole.
Right. Yes.
- That is why we need an election. - Yes, to elect our dictator.
A benign dictator. Right, Isaac?
- Yeah. - No.
The nominations are open!
- No! - Yes.
Engage thrusters!
- Which thrusters, Captain? - All the thrusters!
Any thrusters you can find!
This again?
God's sake.
NOMINATIONS FOR SUPREME LEADER
Together there are more of us.
But as I cannot nominate all of you,
I am nominating myself.
I will be that "I" in your benign.
- This guy's a fucking wordsmith. - Right?
Okay, any challengers?
I don't want to, but Isaac is the false prophet.
And I will be your Jesus.
But without the abdominal strength.
Well, okay. Well, obviously we can't have a free jazz sociopath
as the only other... Okay, is there anybody else?
I'd prefer a warlord to either of these two.
I am honored to announce the candidacy of Mr. Frank Kelly.
Kentucky fried bollocks.
It's Mr. Fondue in a pedal bin.
Who's next? The ship's cat?
Isaac is weak. I am strong.
- I will lead, you will follow. - Iris!
I can protect you from a position of power.
Good. Okay. Got it. Got it.
This woman supports child labor!
I'm just pretending I don't want you to be in charge.
Iris is an inflexible power monger. I have a friendly, human interface.
And I like tennis. Vote Rav! I'm Rav.
Okay, anybody else?
Yes, so, I'd like to put myself forwards.
Literally anybody else?
Yes. Me.
I will stand.
Billie, I like you, but you are not universally loved.
Yeah, but it's not like it's a popularity contest.
That is exactly what it is.
So, I guess I'm the winner. Should I just declare me the winner?
Iris cannot be in charge of me.
I'm six-foot-two, good looking, great complexion,
and I've heard I'm about to become a proud father.
Thus, I will stand.
Well, I am almost alarmed by the quality of the candidates.
All right, well, if that's it, then I declare the polling is open,
and may God have mercy upon our souls.
When God judges us for what we've done here tonight... and he will...
what will you say to him?
Will you bow down and grovel like a child?
Or will you stand up and fight like a dog?
Sometimes dogs grovel.
And sometimes children fight.
You know...
I was enjoying that.
If you elect me, I will tell you the truth about everything, okay?
World War II never happened.
Mass media conspiracy. I have pamphlets.
So why vote for me? Well, I'm newish here,
so, you know, fresh pair of eyes. Yum, actually.
Hi, everybody. I'm Karen Kelly, not standing.
But my husband is, Frank Kelly, nobody's puppet.
What's your headline policy?
- Tell them about the... - Hey.
I'm just gonna take the good we have
and make it gooder.
- Engooden everyone! - You have sad eyes.
I'm intensely competent. So, vote for me unless you're incompetent.
Swans breaking a human's arm?
It's lies. They break your will, not your arm.
I've seen the videos, okay.
- How's it going? - It's frankly a tsunami of the subpar.
We've scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard
we've clawed our way through it into the first circle of hell.
- Wait, TV Ryan is a candidate now? - Surely, that's a protest vote.
If we can vote for fictional characters, that just throws it wide open.
I'm torn between Dumbledore and Anna Karenina.
There's not one good option.
Basically, I run the ship...
Well, there is one person who is smart, sane,
unlikely to die in office.
Yeah. Packing a lot of sinews. Platelets too.
You... Oh, Billie.
Why don't you go and build Billie better?
And so that's why the four pillars of my campaign are
En-gin-eer-ing.
- Engineering. - I'll take the gin.
- Hmm? You'll what? Take the what? - Yeah, I... can I have this? Hey.
I'm actually talking to my base right now, so I...
Fuck those virgins. We need to broaden your appeal
to include literally anyone else.
- What? - So, you drink coconut water now.
Vote for me and I promise you I will use proportionate force when necessary.
And by no means am I ruling out disproportionate or unnecessary.
She should use proportionate force on herself, am I right? This is fun.
She should kill herself!
I'm just running with it.
Hello. Hello. I'm Rav. Wow, this is exciting, isn't it?
- Not really. - Well, not exciting, but obligatory.
That can be my campaign slogan. "Not exciting, but obligatory."
Only half of us will survive Ryan's litany of terrible choices.
This will be a series of rolling tragedies
in which each false glimmer of hope is succeeded
by a much more real and crushing despair.
I am Matt Spencer. I'm running on a ticket of radical honesty.
I think I preferred being violently deposed. It was less stressful.
- Hi. - Hi.
So, I want to talk to you guys about engineering.
I'll be honest, I am not interested in engineering.
Keep it... keep it nice.
What I wanted to say was, do you have a child? Or more than one child?
- A daughter, yes. She's nine. - And how much does it weigh?
"I love what you're wearing."
And I love what you have put your bodies in today.
Thank you. You've got my vote.
- Okay. Great, thank you. - Yeah. Thank you.
Oh, my God, is that it?
You just say what they want to hear and try and hide your contempt, that's it?
Yeah, that's politics. And also dating.
- Together there are more of us. - Well, together we want less of you.
Yeah, you started this here. You opened some bitch's box!
Pandora's box. She has a name.
It's a shame about Isaac, but I gotta tell you, I'm kind of into Nathan.
- Nathan, the man who ate other men? - That... Hey, we all got baggage.
- You ate ostrich that time. - He eats people.
Okay, but if you didn't know that about him, he'd be quite impressive.
But I do know that about him and I find it to be his defining characteristic.
We need change.
- I love you, Nathan! Eat me! - Eat me too!
Oh, no. Do you know? I'm watching my figure.
And yours. I mean, it's lovely.
But seriously, there is an important issue I would like to raise. Mental health.
Yeah.
Who's left?
Well, Rav's still hanging about like an inert gas.
- Anybody else like tennis? No? - TV me is forging ahead.
Pity he's fictional. God, I envy him.
But it looks like we're going to end up with someone
who think that fingers are finger food.
Who we talking about? Nathan? God, he's good. Reminds me of my dad.
Have you lost your fucking mind? Or has he eaten it?
No, he has some good ideas. He thinks we should adopt a corporate model,
run the ship as an employee-owned partnership.
That is... That is... Yeah, that's quite a good idea.
No, that's communism, which is illegal.
Okay, we need to discredit him and start a rumor.
- Saying what? - He's an alcoholic?
- He's already a fucking cannibal. - Yes, sorry. I forget that sometimes.
Formed in the wake of the third attack on Congress,
the Office of the Other President
is a constellation of America's brightest legacy CEOs.
Beth Bezos, Amazon. Mike Zuckerberg, Reality Whack,
formerly Meta, formerly Facebook. And Dusty Musk, SpaceX.
Together they ratify all the President's key decisions
along with this quantum computer.
My decision has been ratified.
The Office of the Other President.
- Mr. Sato? - Yeah?
We're here to make challenging decisions.
Like when we dropped the word "book" from "Facebook"
because people feel like books look down on them.
Yeah, you're really making the tough calls.
Avenue 5. The lithium disinformation has become problematic.
We think it's time to sunset the Avenue 5 project.
- Sure. Cut comms. Don't prioritize them. - Avenue 5 currently exists.
We say let's 180 that reality.
What, you mean you want to destroy Avenue 5?
Okay, so this is where you say, "That's absolutely not what we're saying."
That is absolutely not what we're saying.
I am gonna work my socks off to protect this little guy's future. Yeah.
Yeah. 'Cause I'm not a quitter.
And there is no problem that I won't sink my teeth into.
Don't eat the baby.
Oh, no, I'm not going to eat the baby. That would be a red line.
Now remember, keep it short. Smile and don't threaten them with death.
- Go. Go, go, go. - Okay, I'm going.
Hi, guys. So...
- Why you? - Why me? Training, intelligence, and...
Okay, but if you're so good, then why haven't we gotten home yet?
Why haven't you used warp speed?
- Because it doesn't exist, babe. - Then why can't you invent it?
Because even if it did, it would probably smear everybody into a molecular paste.
Wow, are you... Are you threatening to kill us?
This is the one thing I told her not to do.
Guys, you are booing... You are booing physics, so that's stupid.
Am I the only one here with half a brain?
Okay, now you're booing competence. Okay, you know what?
All of you morons deserve everything that is coming to you.
When death visits upon you, may you see my face.
- Okay. - Okay, listen. I almost had it.
Down she goes!
Christ, we're gonna get the cannibal, aren't we?
"Here lies Ryan Clark. Freed a cannibal, captured a cannibal,
elected a cannibal, was eaten by a cannibal."
"May he rest in a cannibal."
- Who else have we got? - Frank?
Could we have Frank?
- No, it can't be Frank. - No, he's a human donkey sanctuary.
Frank couldn't lead himself down a one-way corridor.
- Rav? - People say that I'm cold.
But does a body need a heart to function?
I mean, yes. But does it really? Okay, okay, still yes.
But cold? Do you know who else was cold?
No, sorry, I started that without anyone in mind
and I just thought it would come to me.
- That was silly. - No.
Okay, it's time to reach for the nuclear football... and turn the twisty keys.
- Oh, please, God, no. Not Karen. - No, don't feed the beast.
That is a very complicated issue.
- I don't have an answer for you. - Sorry, excuse me, Frank.
Karen, we need you to run.
Oh, God.
I knew it. You want me.
Well, we need you.
Come on. It's okay to say you want me. Say it. Say you want me.
I want you.
And what exactly is it that you want me to do, Captain?
- Okay, is this really necessary? - Yes, it's necessary. I need clarity.
Karen, I... want you to rule me.
I want to be ruled by you.
Governed by you. All of us do. We all want to be governed by Karen.
Not just today, but for all time.
I know.
I guess I've always known. I just wanted to hear you say it.
Frank?
- Excuse me, people. Excuse me. - Make a hole, people.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am humbled...
You know what, just eff off, you effing eff-heads!
No, we can't just be stuck with Edward Eat-my-hands.
- Actually, I... - Isaac. Yes.
He's been right in front of us all this time.
- I was the fifth Canadian on Mars! - What's that got to do with anything?
Isaac, bad news.
- We need you to save us. - No, I can't. I'm not cut out for this.
- I'm just a patent attorney. - Come now.
There's no such thing as "just" a patent attorney.
Look at me, I can't handle this. These people scare the shit out of me.
It's like a nest of vipers developed a sense of entitlement.
Okay, take off your diapers
and put on your big-boy panties 'cause daddy's home!
- Vote me! - No!
Why are you booing? Because I didn't stand earlier?
No, 'cause we don't want you to stand at all.
Okay, I won't stand. I'll just campaign manage Mads.
- I'll just tell you to vote for Mads. - No!
- I'll recommend Mads. - No!
- I'll just say the word "Mads." - No!
- I'll stay out of this. - Thank you.
Wow, bud. They hate you so much they took it out on me.
- Listen, I'm... I know, I'm sorry. - Look, you're a loser.
And I hate losers.
- So, I'm gonna end this here. - Yeah.
And yeah. I delete you. Boop!
Look at it this way. If you win, you get a lovely apartment to cry in,
and you'll probably be deposed in a year. Come on, let's go.
- Come on, Isaac. It'll be fun. - No, I really don't... Please...
In four years' time, we will all be at each other's throats. That's just facts.
And I will help you to survive. I've made a crossbow
out of steam-pressed ply and eel gut.
I'm gonna teach you to survive. I'm gonna teach you how to make your own.
And you'll be safe. You'll all be safe with me.
Except for Ryan Clark. He will suffer immensely and be shown no mercy.
The only question is how will we kill him? Will he be fried or eaten or sexed?
Yeah. Right now it's unstable up there,
but once they elect a president, then we'll have a clear line of communication.
Well, it looks like they're about to elect a cannibal.
Hello, again, everyone.
Look, I realize that he's not as exciting as someone who might kill you,
but we need someone with natural authority and charisma.
We need someone like TV Ryan.
- Yes! - Absolutely!
How is TV Ryan gonna work out?
He's fictional and he's not on the ship.
- Because he's fictional! - This man.
He can be our TV Ryan.
He picked me up when I was down, and he can do the same thing for this ship.
No... No, I can't. I've tried that and I was shit at it.
- That's why you deposed me. - He was shit! So, so shit.
And that's why he'll be so great this time!
- That is literally meaningless. - He could be the best of both worlds!
- Together there are more of him! - No! This is insane!
He brought a pedophile on board, followed by a cannibal.
Vote for Ryan! He doesn't eat people and he looks hot in a hat!
- And without the hat! Whoo! - Okay, let's put it to a vote.
- No, Spike, let's not put it to a vote. - No, no, no. We are...
Do not put it to a vote. We are not voting on this.
- Don't... - Eighty-six percent.
That's more than the Jonas Brothers got for their second term.
Let's make Ryan president for life!
No, no, no, no, no!
Jesus Christ.
- Ryan! TV Ryan! - No! No!
Let's make him look more like TV Ryan!
No!
This makes zero sense constitutionally. We literally just deposed him.
- My fucking chair. - TV Ryan! TV Ryan!
- Guys, that's not me! That's not me! - TV Ryan! TV Ryan! TV Ryan!
That's not me! For fuck's sake.
- I lied. I liked you being the captain. - Me too.
We voted for you!
- Oh, actually I voted for Nathan. - I didn't vote.
If you need a first lady, you know where to find me.
He already has a first lady.
Well, I could be the second first lady, in case you get shot.
Well, I would take a bullet. If it helps.
I'm offering you my guidance and support.
And you'll need my advice to counterbalance her advice.
- I like winners, and you're a winner. - I'm really sorry about this whole...
- I will make your reign a reign of blood. - Billie! Help me!
For the first time in my life, I have no idea what to do.
Okay, people, step away. Step away.
Our supreme leader.
And so it begins, again.
Right. What's first up?
PROTOMISSILE
Revised and Synchronized by FAST TITLES MEDIA