FLYING INTO THE FUTURE WITH COMMANDER RYAN
COMMANDER RYAN SAYS WE ARE FAMILY
And you have coffee with the ship's imam at 10:00.
Then the cleaning crew want to gift you with some new pillows.
Excellent. My memory foam ones have developed dementia.
Then the Avenue 5 Brass Band want to play for you,
and then gift you a tuba.
Can we un-gift it?
- Fly safe. - Fly true, Supreme Commander!
Yes. Heil me. Supreme Commander. What if I get used to this?
Respectfully, you should.
Striding about like a Dutch hairdresser who killed someone once.
At noon, could you officially open the ship's cuddle club?
- Cuddle club? - Yeah.
A group of passengers have put it together as some sort of group therapy.
- Sit down. - It's totally non-sexual.
- And totally non-normal. - For goodness sake.
What's wrong with a good old-fashioned frosty handshake?
Look at Iris suffocating him like a horny praying mantis.
Yeah, Ryan could do a shit right now
and all these passengers would line up to take a selfie with it.
And at one o'clock, you're meeting with theater action.
Can we un-action that? Actually, un-theater it, preferably.
- Fuck you, Supreme Commander. - Fly true, Supreme Commander.
How did we end up with him in charge twice?
- Tell me about it. - He is not worthy of your ship.
I don't know why, but I find you very interesting right now.
You speak from the heart.
- I hate to be the bearer of bad news. - And I hate hearing it.
Feels like there's a solution in there somewhere.
- Commander. - Well, rumors are... Hi.
Rumors are spreading that the water is contaminated.
You see, this is why people should never ever talk.
Agreed, but conversation is inevitable.
Which is why I'd like to install some operatives.
What do you mean operatives? You mean secret police?
I hesitate to use the term "secret police."
Well, you didn't hesitate very long.
- Matt is... - Highly problematic.
No, no. We are not having secret police.
- That is my final decision. - Decree. But fine, I won't appoint any.
You say that, Iris, but will you?
Soon we'll be at each other's throats.
- Do you want that? - No!
When brother fights brother
for the moisture that he's wrung from a hand towel,
will lyin' Ryan be there to save you?
- No! - No, he won't.
But we'll be there, because we've got ammo.
- We've got camo. - Yes!
- We are ready to go. - Blammo!
Blammo!
- What is this intoxicating clarity? - Yeah!
AVENUE 5
Seeing some sweet cuddles out there, guys. Really nice.
Some nice swaying cuddles. Comforting.
Tap your cuddler's head if you want your cuddle to end early.
Otherwise, just surrender like a calf in the butcher's embrace.
All right, there's time to chug a few more hugs
before our Supreme Commander gets here and declares our spoon room open.
- Will he be cuddling? - If he consents.
Oh, please. If he's here, he's asking for it.
All good out there? I mean, considering how bad it is?
Let's just say the mood on the ship is pre-post-apocalyptic.
- What is that dot? - Oh, God, you saw it, too?
I get these floaters.
Hold the phone, that's not macular degeneration.
That's a meteor.
A compass, but instead of telling you where you are, it tells you when you are.
- So, like a clock? - No, way better.
- Way better than a clock. - Yeah.
That is just genius.
So, were you thinking about talking to Lucas yet?
You know, get the rescue back on track?
Artificially made twins to serve unwanted jail time.
Smart. You know, it's just if you did want some help with Lucas,
then I could set a time and date for the meeting,
or even if you wanted, I could help lead the meeting.
That's so sweet, but fuck no.
Only top CEOs can negotiate government policy.
That's just how democracy works. And I'm a top CEO, so suck it, Ryan.
- Yeah, suck it, Ryan. - I believe we booked this room.
- Hey, Ryan. - We've commandeered it.
Commandeered. Exactly.
- You're in breach of protocol. Stand. - Sit.
Stand and leave or face the consequences.
I'm gonna leave 'cause I was planning on leaving anyway.
But I'm not gonna stand.
Excited to see this process.
- Thank fuck. - Rav saves the day.
Rav is speaking in the third person because she is modest,
and because she has also discovered a meteor full of lithium.
I'm gonna stand now, only because I want to see what's on there.
Billie, understand that for me, will you?
Eighty-five percent lithium ore? But this is like pure heroin lithium.
- Heroin's good, right? - Earth is gagging for lithium.
We can get them to reprioritize a rescue.
So, we just need to start negotiating with Lucas.
No, that's incorrect. Only CEOs can negotiate with TOTOPOTUS.
You, however, are authorized to...
- ...suck it. - Yeah!
CEOs only, captain cockrag.
Right, I... Yes, I'm gonna need to clear the room,
so that I can berate Billie for gross insubordination.
Good. A larynx is a privilege.
I'm gonna leave because I choose to clear the room.
Not because you literally just said the words.
Yeah, well, what do you want?
What do you mean, what do I want? What do you want?
Billie, we agreed, you insult me, I clear the room.
- I'm sorry, I forgot. - What do you mean you forgot?
So, where did "captain cockrag" come from? Was that heartfelt?
No. I just... You know, I'm not... I'm not very good at this...
- Talking? - Improvisation.
You have to be with Judd when he talks to Lucas.
Well, yes, and we'd be getting into that if you hadn't just sent him out the room.
Well, I did that because you called me captain cockrag.
Well, was I wrong?
I don't know. I don't know what a cockrag is.
- Just be there when he talks to Lucas. - Yes, I will be. I have his ear.
Fuck his ear. It's his mouth you need to control.
- If Ryan is king, I'm Oliver Cromwell. - Yeah!
If he's Gladstone, I'm Disraeli.
If he's A.S. Byatt, I'm Margaret Drabble!
Compare things we know!
- Never been a big sports fan. - Well, they're not sports stars.
They're sister novelists who feuded like rappers.
I'm still without a frame of reference.
- Ryan's an asshole, right? - Yeah!
Remember, you may pat and caress all non-erogenous zones.
At this point, my entire body is non-erogenous.
I can confirm that. Okay, cuddlers, find a new cuddlee.
Man, this is cuddle club. How many more times? No crossbows.
Doug, we booked this room for combat training.
Hard cheese, Combat Mary, we've got an extended booking.
I'll extend your face with my extended arm.
No, we...
- Captain in the hug zone. - Thank you.
- Fly true, Supreme Commander. - At ease, everyone.
Don't listen to him. More tense, everyone.
- Someone needs to go to manners club. - Yeah, I went to manners club.
That's where I learned, "Please" and "fuck you."
Well, this is wonderful,
seeing you all clumped together like wet sugar.
It reminds us that togetherness is way forwardness.
- Wise words, supreme dipshit. - Matt, will you stop it?
This is serious. This is cuddle club.
In fact, I think Matt could do with a cuddle, don't you think?
He should be the first. I hereby declare this club open.
If Matt's gonna keep cutting me off at the ankles,
someone needs to do something about him.
Okay, everyone. Continue your therapeutic manhandling.
Hi. I don't think we've previously cuddled.
Double cuddle. Okay. Triple cuddle.
AVENUE 5
Looking at you, I can smell your pain.
But can you smell my heart?
- I'm sorry, I'm not feeling this at all. - Why? What's wrong?
Well, it's just not erotic, is it? I mean, can we get him shirtless?
Could somebody unwrap him? Anybody, just unwrap him.
Look, I'm not a piece of meat.
No, honestly, you are.
For fuck's sake. And can we get rid of this fucking box?
Keep the box.
- My king. - My queen.
Plus one.
Yes, yes, hadn't forgotten about you, Charles.
What are you, actually?
- Partner's partner, so that's "quartner"? - Anyway, we're all people.
Quite a lot of people, aren't we? When you think about it.
I just wonder if this whole situation could do with some clarifying.
Captain Ryan.
Sorry to interrupt your mĂ©nage,
but I thought you should know Matt has been hurt at cuddle club.
How do you get hurt in a club exclusively devoted to cuddling?
You told people to deal with him, so he got violently compressed.
Well, just find the culprits and have a word with them.
No, that sounds like code for violence too.
All right, well, I better go and pay Matt a special visit.
Hey, I've done it again. I've got mafia tourettes. To be continued.
Imagine if we got, like, five million grams of lithium
and we saved Earth. And they made us gods, obviously.
So that people would say, "Judd, help us all,"
or, "For Judd's sake, tidy up your room, Christopher."
"I'm not gonna ask you again." "Daddy's gonna beat the Judd out of you. "
What are you doing down here, Mr. Judd?
I forgot the password for my panic room,
so I figured this might make a good backup.
Have you set a time to speak to Lucas yet?
Yeah, 9:00 tonight.
And what if they built, like, a fuck-off gold statue of me?
Yeah, that'd be cool. So, nine o'clock tonight?
And I lived in the statue
and my bedroom was in the eye of the gold statue.
Right, with a spiral staircase going all the way up the spine.
Why are you getting into this, Billie?
So, are you sure that Lucas is actually gonna negotiate with you tonight?
Absolutely.
Great, because I was really just wondering
if I could sit in and I could learn from your...
...mastery.
You can be my penumbra.
- 'Cause that's what penumbra means. - I'd love that.
Matt pushed your reputation face down in a cow pat in cuddle club.
- He was just letting off steam. - Well, steam burns.
- Steam is an enemy to flesh and creases. - Do we have to have this on everywhere?
It's like watching your own colonoscopy.
People are having cosplay viewing parties.
You should host one. You're already in the costume.
- I'd rather host my own immolation. - You'd look friendly.
Uncle Ryan Clark, never mind the gulags.
- Navigation is down. - We may die out here.
That's fine. I never lived before I met you.
Well, they can't write women.
I'm sorry, Captain Ryan. We need you to be a hero one more time.
- That is some shaky dialogue. - Dialogue fell out of the back of a dog.
Activate, goddammit!
Even her thumb is stupid.
Do you want me to get rid of her? 'Cause I can do that, apparently.
It was a joke. No, no, it was a joke.
Zara? Zara, you here?
Zara? What is she?
- Hi. - Hey.
Why have you called me here after wrap? Did you want to run lines, or...
Well, actually, I'd quite like to block the spacewalk,
because it's a very technically demanding scene for me.
- Look, it's just another kiss, all right? - It's not just a kiss.
Not with me.
Oh, God, I completely forgot.
You're re-enacting your own sister's tragic death by airlock.
- Yeah. - Good for you. I mean, awful.
- Also, absolute award bait. - Yeah.
I was thinking about making it quite moving.
Because in reality... I mean, all she did really was just step back like...
Fuck!
Shit.
Zara? You okay?
LIVE! UPFEED DAWNFEED
Djopi Downer for you.
TV favorite Zara is now too dead to play her dead sister.
Let's all miss her.
It's Zara's universe, and we're all just living in it. Except her.
I named my dog, Zara, so now I have to kill it.
I want her hair. Now she's dead she doesn't need it. LOL.
I hope she prepaid for her funeral. My mom didn't.
I once saw her in a restaurant eating a fish.
Got no words. Shouldn't have sent this message.
She's explaining science to the angels now.
Oh, God. Can we kill that?
- Sick of looking at it. - Turn it off, turn it off!
She was killed by a fatal floor.
Sweet relief. Am I right?
OUR SUPREME LEADER
Feel better, Matt.
Oh, no. He's come to finish the job!
Matt, I am beyond sorry.
Well, I'm not beyond sorry. I'm still in sorry, but... the far end of it, I'm...
- You ordered me squeezed. - No, didn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't.
- Thank you. - Yeah. Right.
- What? - Look at me.
I'm a dissident wounded in a turf war. A blood feud.
I'm like that haughty bitch who tried to fuck up A.S. Byatt.
- You mean Margaret Drabble? - You're a drabbler?
You love Madge-Drabs? Super fan.
Dark Flood Rises it's one of my favorite books.
- I lost my virginity to the audiobook. - I love knowing that.
I can't believe that
all this time we had this special bond and we didn't even know about it.
It's like we're two princesses and neither one of us can sleep on a hard pea.
How much have they got you on?
That is quite a lot. Yeah.
Well, look, Matt, it's...
Why don't we just put all this shitty hurt behind us?
I would like that, sister.
All right, mandatory smiles, everyone. Smile right now.
- Smile. Hold these. - Matt, handshake.
I promise you, no electric shocks, no neural toxins.
Well...
Motherfucker. Somebody put these in water.
- They're plastic. - Fuck.
It was Ryan!
No, no, no, that wasn't me. That was...
- The crossbow killer's right there! - That's not a killer. Matt's not dead.
Somebody do something.
We should take him to a hosp... Oh, no, we're already there.
It's a crossbow on a spaceship. It always happens. Here, I've got you.
Spike. This hurts as much as it looks like it hurts!
I remember, you don't pull it. You push it through to the other side.
- Okay. - It's gonna sting a little.
Thought you were in charge of security.
How could you allow a drive-by crossbowing?
You said you wanted to "organize something" for him.
Yes, organize a gathering.
A celebration with a big "sorry we crushed you" card.
Not super urgent, but...
See, this is how it goes with autocracies.
It starts out, and it's all caviar and wiping your ass on a swan's neck,
and then pretty soon, you're perforating dissidents. Yes, what is it?
We're not gonna cancel the TV Avenue 5 viewing party, are we?
No, I'll go and I'll cheer the passengers up with the lithium news,
and they can wash it down with a complimentary glass of eel juice.
Yes, it'll be fun. Lithi-fun. Okay, well, you won't regret this.
You will. But it's done. I've issued a ship-wide dictum.
No passengers to dress up as you out of respect.
No! You see, Iris, these are the actions of a dictator.
People can come dressed as me if they like. I want you to make that very clear.
I might even go casual. Certainly, make me more approachable.
Although, if anyone approaches me, stop them.
If you want a good time tonight at the fun viewing party
by all means, dress as Commander Ryan.
That's all passengers as commander Ryan.
Honey, it's out of my control. It's captain's orders.
And God only knows what you're capable of.
He... What he's capable of.
Is it hot in here? I feel hot.
- I just don't feel comfortable. - Well, good. Use that.
It'll help you feel more British.
You know? Just imagine from the age of three
that you only saw your parents at Christmas,
and that you have teeth like Stonehenge.
'Ello, darlin'!
- Show us your Beefeater. - Okay, no. Just, no.
If you can't talk British, just stay silent.
Like the people they subjugated. Let's just...
...fix those epaulettes.
Can I apologize again for both trying to pull out
and then push further back in the crossbow bolt?
- I was in over my head. - Everyone's favorite target!
Bullseye dude, how do you feel?
Well, they ran out of painkillers, so I'm in horrendous pain.
Right, right. But remember, pain is all...
Think beyond the pain. People love you now.
Like, maybe that crossbow was fired by a kind of Nordic God of public relations.
- What? - It was me. I shot you.
- You shot him? You goddamn euro maniac! - What? To help him.
He's charismatic now. He's got a big following.
- You shot me for the numbers? - What's wrong with pamphlets?
Also, the cuddle club? I gave the signal to initiate the terminal cuddle.
You John Wilkes Booth motherfucker.
People hated your guts until I shot a crossbow into them.
You should thank me. You should kiss my asshole.
- I'm a genius, actually. - You're crazy.
Oh, boy.
You know, I can't take grapes in here, but a crossbow is fine.
I may be crazy, but you are a disappointment.
First Judd, now you. Everyone I follow becomes weak.
Listen, I was going to shoot you again,
but I'm not going to. You don't deserve my bolts.
Phony.
Okay. Couple of red flags there, behavior wise.
Here you go, sir.
He's here! Ryan's here!
Fly true, Supreme Commander!
Oh, Christ. It's a gangbang of doppelgĂ¤ngers.
No, look, there's a TV Judd and Doug.
Sorry, we didn't mean to disrespect you, sir.
We liked you the first time you were a captain.
Yeah, that's why we voted for you the second time.
No, no, you voted for Nathan.
Only in the ballot sense. In my heart, I voted for you.
- Also, in my heart I am dressed as you. - And I thought it was Halloween.
I thought it was like a Halloween situation,
so I came as Iris, 'cause she's a monster.
Please, don't shoot me like you did Matt.
I didn't shoot Matt. No, I like Matt.
I don't like Matt. I respect.
Well, I wouldn't hurt him. I would not hurt Matt.
No, he got someone else to do it for him.
No, I did not!
Look, I'm not gonna murder anyone. I couldn't give two shits for murder.
He doesn't care that someone tried to murder Matt.
And Zara!
Watch your backs, heathens. Crucifix coming through.
Oh, Christ.
- Actually, literally. - I am Ryan, king of the eels.
Forgive me for I know not what the fuck I do.
Hello, I'm Matt and I'd rather be in pain than in power.
Look, everyone, can we just smile and laugh?
This is a party. We're gonna have fun, even if it kills us.
- We're having fun! - This is so much fun.
- Can't believe everyone's scared of me. - Congratulations. Feels good, right?
Did Judd pay you to do this?
No, I thought I'd wear an outfit
that you'd like to get me out of as quickly as possible.
And I have no imagination, so I copied her. Don't shoot me.
Ryan. Ryan.
- Thank you, captain buzzkill. - I'm portraying Ryan in his truest form.
Carrying all of our sins while dressed like a weekend gigolo.
Like the Bible, you're upsetting a lot of people, so just dial it down tonally.
Something about that uniform turns him into a big cat.
- I don't see it. - Really?
I mean, look at those cuffs.
Wow, a little more of this lady gravy,
and we might just break our eight-year drought.
I want to show her I don't need her. You know, I can be Judd and Iris.
Yeah. I spent ages on my Sarah costume and then she died
and so I don't know if it's touching or offensive.
No, corpseplay is hot.
And it's better than staying dressed as a lonely mechanic, right?
Okay, observe the master.
Previously on Avenue 5.
No, this can't be right.
When I drink, the demons don't sound quite so loud.
- I'm sorry. - Yeah. Well, sorry just won't cut it!
Whatever God you believe in, you better hope they're in a good mood.
- Billie, I found another dot. - What?
A big missile heading right for us. I thought it was a floater.
- It's not a floater. - What?
Nice. These motherfuckers. It's like a game of poker with these guys.
- What the fuck? - All right.
- Lucas, my man. - Wait!
Little birdie tells me you launched a missile at us.
Yeah, it's a big fuck off missile that's traveling at 600 miles per hour.
Watch this.
Well, you may want to turn that bad boy around, here's the moment,
because we just found an asteroid
full of a juicy little element we like to call lithium.
- Horseshit. Where is it? - Here comes the clincher.
How 'bout I tell you after you turn that missile around, Lucas?
Well, I can't. There's just no override.
Yeah, I mean, we would have installed a device but we're out of lithium.
And now we go along with the ruse.
Sure. So the missile "can't be stopped," and we're "all gonna die."
Yeah. Without the stupid... Were you making air quotation marks?
- Sounded like you were. - Really?
Yeah.
Maybe don't watch this part.
Hey, Lucas, is this for... Are you being for real right now?
Yeah. Yeah, the missile it's unstoppable,
and it will detonate on impact
and annihilate every single molecule of the ship.
So, how about you just give me the location of the asteroid?
How about this? I hope that that asteroid smashes into the planet
and annihilates every single life form except for you,
and then you live an additional fifty years and die of an asshole infection!
- No, no, no. - That's what I hope!
Lucas, why don't we just pretend he doesn't exist.
One of my favorite hobbies, actually.
What are the coordinates of this miss... What the fuck did you just do?
I had the nightmare again, Mr. Judd.
- Same one as always. - Ryan...
- want to make a break for it? - I was being murdered in space.
My room, now. Frank won't be back for hours.
Only this time, it wasn't a nightmare.
It was a dream.
I want you to lock the door and swear at me in British.
Swear at me like I owe you money.
Anomaly detected, Captain. The light . It's getting bigger.
Captain, we have incoming.
- What kind of incoming? - Captain, it's a missile. I love y...
- What is this madness? - Oh, no!
What? What just happened?
I believe the old industry term is a "reverse soprano."
- They're all definitely dead. - Wow. Well, that's a wrap.
Any chance this is, you know, just a dream sequence?
Dedicated to those who died on the real Avenue 5
in the tragic terrorist missile strike.
Guess I don't have final cut after all.
Oh, my God. We're all dead!
All right, everybody, calm down, calm down.
There is no missile. This is TV writers desperate to get an award.
Okay, there is, in fact, a real missile.
- And that's code for? - No, no, no code.
That is some kind of cover up
for the fact that there is a real missile coming for this real ship. Yeah.
- Fuck. I gotta go. - Goodbye, fake Jesus.
Don't come back in three days.
No. No, guys. Those are just visual effects.
I know that because I work in VFX.
I may have fucked the pooch.
So, I just want to say I'm sorry. Tomorrow will be better.
Although it does include a missile.
No. No, no, no. Before we die, I got one thing to tell you.
I've been fake respecting you.
There are dead eel skins at the bottom of that tank
that I have more respect for than you, you narcissistic little bulb of nothing.
She was great in the negotiations, by the way. Really led it.
What's the plan?
The plan is we have to control the panic.
Iris, in spite of what I said to you, I assume there is a secret police force.
- Round up the usual panickers. - Operation harvest is go.
And don't shoot anybody with a crossbow. Unless...
No, do what you must.
Come on! Go!
I haven't done anything wrong!
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