- Elena! - Elena!
Mia!
Mia! Mia!
Marvelous. Eight years of pure Charles.
Well, we can take it slow?
Oh, you'll be amazed at how slow we're gonna take it. Billie!
AVENUE 5
Iris? Iris!
- I'm right here. - Oh, yeah, that's 'cause I saved you.
Assert your leadership and don't take questions.
All right, everyone, I'm the leader now,
so if you need anything at all, ask Iris!
She has nothing for you!
- Hey, all my meds are on the other ship. - Oh. Well, I admire your optimism.
Someone needs to tell us if we're in the dead zone!
If this is indeed the dead zone, then I knew that already,
and wanted to be with you, the proletariat, at the end. You're welcome.
- That's a beautiful sentiment. - And it's true!
You didn't need to add that. That creates doubt that wasn't there.
This is my life. God knows, it's not much of one,
but again and again, Judd just wipes his nose with it.
Focus, focus, focus. I'm gonna keep saying, "focus" until you focus.
I think I can help.
Jaz, track the asteroid. Billie, find out what we've got and they haven't.
Okay, so we have got the engines, the thrusters,
the ice rink, the bingo machine,
the nav computers and six go-karts.
And they have... Oh, God, they have the eels.
Who's got the cannibal?
I believe we do, but we also have Frank.
Great. So, if we end up eating each other, at least we'll have a nice garnish.
- Well, a garnish. - Signal's back.
- Elena? - Ryan, what is happening?
Well, it seems like... I might have dropped a bit of a bollock.
What? Ryan? Mierda!
But it's all gonna be okay.
Well, that's going in The Guinness Book of Lies.
- Will you get the comms back online? - The transmitter's in the front half.
Those who know how to work it are in the back.
- Well, tell the front to fix it! - We can't, because there's no signal.
Look, just fucking sort it, will you? Now!
You're just yelling impossible instructions at people!
- I know! Now get on it! - Sorry, I have now fixed it, actually.
- I forgot about the backup. - See? Sometimes it works.
Knock, knock. Not a joke. I think I can help.
- I'm focusing on... we gotta do it now. - No, Spike, this is not the moment.
I'd make that seven.
You know, it... Mommy's gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine.
It's gonna be like one of those old-timey comedies,
where a guy gets left in charge of a new-born baby.
And gets hit with a missile.
So more like a dramedy. Okay? A dramedy.
- Okay, Doug? - Mia!
Okay, Doug, support her head! Support her head, raise her bilingual,
and never let her date a drummer!
Should I write this down? Oh shit!
Did you just drop our baby? What happened?
Okay, we've got 90 percent of the cabins, the gym, the bridge,
but nothing that the bridge controls, apart from the lights.
We've got the basketball courts, but they've got the basketballs.
- And we've got the spa. - All right.
We'll need it after miming all that basketball.
- And we've got the eels! - Good, 'cause I'm fucking starving.
My kid is in the other half. I want to see my kid!
God... Do you have another kid that you could focus on?
- Rav! I'm sorry. Rav! - What? What?
Mia's breasts, actually, all of Mia, are back on the other side of the ship.
- What should I do to feed her? - I don't know, Doug!
- Take it to a restaurant, give it a menu! - Does anyone know how to breastfeed?
Yes, me! I am this child's biological father and I'm ready.
Love will accomplish what science hasn't.
How did this just get worse?
Bridge is closed. Get out. Man your posts.
The seat of power so long denied to me by my enemies.
Except there is no seat. Can we bring in a seat?
No. Sitting is weak. And you won't be able to see over the wheel, so...
Shut the door. Shut it!
Okay, we can hunker down in here for now.
You can't hunker from a missile. My whole life is flashing before my eyes, honey.
Kindergarten, I excelled. Middle school, harder.
Puberty was like a bungee jump without a rope. And now...
- Frank, do not tailspin. - Okay.
We're gonna stay here and nest and be safe.
Like a couple of hermit crabs.
Cleaning vinegar.
You soak one inch of cloth, honey, it becomes semi-edible tofu!
No more cooking, Frank. Really. I feel like I've eaten six bathrooms.
All right, you two, I want constant updates on the asteroid.
It's our prize if we don't go boom.
- Jaz, how long have we got? - Fifty-five minutes.
Oh, God, 55 minutes. It's like walking towards the guillotine.
If the guillotine was 55 minutes' walk away.
- Excuse me. Hello. I have a plan. - Spike, really, we don't wanna hear it.
I'm dying.
I can sacrifice myself to save the ship.
What?
I had a chest pain. Got a medical machine scan.
Inoperable prolapsed mitral valve. Calcified to fuck.
- Well, how... - How long? Three weeks.
No, Spike, how are we gonna save the ship?
Well, we have a one-man escape pod.
I can hop into it. I can fly straight into the missile.
One man absorbs the blow, 6,000 say, "Thanks, pal."
Can he do that?
In theory, yeah, he can do that. You can...
So you would fly into the missile...
and fuck me, we all get to live!
- Yeah, we all get to live! - This is joyous news!
I mean, it's... Not for you.
- No. - Obviously. But joyous!
And also, unbelievably sad.
Unspeakable sorrow.
If any of you guys have last requests,
or you want to unburden yourself of some family secret, now's the time.
I wanna go back to Earth, hold this baby up like a lion cub
in front of Mia's evil sister, and say, "Who's barren now, bitch?
Tell me, Paulina, who the fuck is barren now?"
Paulina would look so dumb. Good one, Doug.
- Oh. I may need that. - It's all gone fucksy-daisy out there.
We need an urgent plan to deal with the missile.
Right. I ran a crisis management course that I did not attend. I've got this.
Hello, this is Commander Judd of Avenue 5. Both of them.
Come in, Earth. I repeat, come in, you assholes.
We need help, so maybe don't lead with calling everyone on Earth an asshole.
- Mia! Are you still in the bathroom? - Doug!
I'm gonna help you escape but very quietly.
- Okay, okay! - Listen, take the electric toothbrush...
What, am I gonna veneer my way outta this?
No, no, no, take the head off of it and there's gonna be a pointy bit there.
And I want you to drill a hole in the wall.
- I saw it in a movie once. - All right, I'm ready.
Don't hit any wires.
This ship is so cheap, there probably aren't any wires.
- I'm through, I'm through. - Okay, good.
- This is a very small hole, Doug. - Try to shout through it now.
Hello! Hello! I drilled a hole in the wall! I'm really sorry!
- This message... - What are you doing?
- People of Avenue 5... - Oh, my God.
...you're being sent this message to save you...
- It could actually be God. - Is God single? She sounds amazing.
It's not God, it's a woman that does detergent commercials,
but knock yourself out.
People of Avenue 5, you are being sent this message to save you...
I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna tell them about the Space Siren.
Yes, that's what I'm calling her. Everybody...
- My name is Herman Twam Judd... - I have amazing news for you.
and I am a very highly influential figure. Type my name into any search engine.
Please ignore the smear campaigns.
People of Avenue 5,
you are being sent this message to save you...
...any doubt that this missile will eradicate you in 27 minutes.
They are all assholes.
- It's just hit me. Spike is gonna die. - That's just hit you?
I should write a eulogy befitting his massive humanity.
Actually, that's rather good. You should write that down.
- I will, amen to that. - Make a note of that.
I will, for sure. So now, you've gotta call Judd and make nice, okay?
You've gotta get on.
Hey, Herman, my Judd-bud, it's Ryan here!
How the other half lives, eh?
Listen, if we beat the missile, we need to work together.
We've got some really nice stuff over here. We've got...
- Linen? - We've got linens, we've got...
All the condiments, the condiments.
- We've got the condiments. - Condiments.
- Sixty large yoga balls. - What do we have?
We have...
We've got waves.
Eels! Just fucking say eels. We have eels.
Don't let him think he's won. He has, but don't let him think that he's won.
In the kingdom of the eels, the man with the eels is king.
I'm not gonna say that.
I was thinking maybe... twenty toilet rolls per eel?
Because we've got the toilet rolls.
So unless you wanna wipe your arse with an eel,
and I'm sorry even for putting that sentence out there,
I think you might wanna trade.
You know what else we've got in the front half, Ryan? The light controls.
- Oh, for... - What are the eels worth to you, Ryan?
It's like negotiating with an evil doll.
- Spike's ready. We gotta go. - Okay. We'll think about it!
- So will we but we'll think faster. - Here's one!
"He died as he lived. Alone."
By 18 months, she should be talking.
Twenty-four months, I'd like fully formed sentences.
According to the plan, it was 32 months for fully formed sentences.
- Fuck the plan, Doug. We're going rogue. - Don't panic.
Together, we will consensually co-parent this child.
Doug, keep Mads away from my baby! He's too good-looking!
He's never had to think about anything in his entire life!
Hello? Hello?
Oh, my God! What's happening?
- Hello, lady. - Thank God!
I thought I was gonna die on the toilet like my fifth-grade math tutor!
Matt, I wanna marry Ryan. And Charles.
I wanna make this big, weird family official. Right, kids?
- Yeah. - You, me, Daddy and Captain Daddy.
Marriage of the damned. Beautiful.
My guess is, the wedding booth on level five is free, but I can't do it
because I'm manufacturing a death apparatus to incinerate myself.
- Great. All right. Let's go. Thank you. - Mazel tov.
My hero, Spike!
Go Spike!
What did I miss?
Spike's killing himself but it's a good thing.
Oh, good. I hope he's gonna be okay.
Elena wants to marry us. We're going to be hus-boths.
- Are we? - Yeah.
God, marriage and death on one day. I wish I'd worn better socks.
Congratulations! Grooms in da room.
It won't be real because you can't consummate,
but I'm absolutely thrilled for you.
- Billie, you think this is gonna work? - Yeah, it should.
You mean your marriage? No.
I'm gonna read out some tributes to Spike.
- Hope this doesn't turn into a roast. - No, that comes later!
I think... Yes. This is from Craig, cabin 631.
"We never spoke but I like astronauts."
Sorry, I haven't had time to...
- Captain, I think we need to move this... - Yes! Yes. Yes. Absolutely.
Look there's one here from Frank. "Spike, thank you for Cuddle Club.
The way your body melted into mine
felt more like home than anything I've ever known."
- "Than anything I've ever known," Frank? - Sorry.
- We're just wasting fuel at this point. - Okay, we're done, then, with this bit.
Yes. Yes, absolutely. Spike, any last words?
Yes, it... Something I'd like to say.
I've been... I guess been building up to saying this my whole life.
- Most... - Yeah, Spike, I think we get it.
- That's... yeah. So we can... - I understand. I understand.
- Here we go, Spike. - Spike, listen.
I've written a eulogy for you myself.
And I'm really pleased with the way it's coming together.
I don't wanna rush it, but I have to go and get married, so Godspeed. All right?
Bye. Forever.
- Any tips on how to fly her? - It's an escape pod.
You just sit in it while it escapes.
You remember who you're talking to. I landed a module on Mars!
You're definitely qualified to sit in an escape pod then, but then so is a potato.
Launch sequence initiated.
Okay, well, safe trip. Not safe, obviously. But trip.
Ten, nine, eight, seven...
six, five, four, three, two, one. Launch.
Bye, love.
Hello! Hello, everyone, sorry, sorry to keep you waiting,
I've just been wishing Spike a happy obliteration.
- Who's got... - Take your seats, everyone!
Take your seats anywhere... Not there.
- It's fine. You're fine. - Not there! Move it down, please!
You're here now. Let's get a wiggle on, make this puppy legal.
Yeah, all right, wind your neck in, Charles. This is for Elena.
She'll make a lovely bride. I imagine. She's not here.
I knew you'd be here. Have you come as an Arctic sniper?
What... Are you the next pope? What?
- You needed witnesses. I'm here. - Yeah, you'll do.
- Can we just move this along? - Who's got the...
- Frank, Frank! - Frank! Frank! Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, Captain, we've really gotta move it, okay?
Elena, could you...
Okay, Frank. Hit wedding.
Hey, hey, you virgins! I bet tonight's gonna get all sorts of fuckin' nasty.
But before we get there, "Let's Get Hitched with Herman Judd."
Fuck it, no! No! Stop, stop! I'm... Stop it. I can't do this.
I cannot get married under Judd's watchful nipples.
Okay, we're gonna do this somewhere else. Elena, we'll just be one minute.
- Much nicer, other place. All right? - Okay, mi amor. Okay.
- Come on, everybody. - You heard him! Let's go, let's go!
- Keep it moving, let's go, go, go! - Where are we going?
An open sewer would be better than this.
I need you to marry us. Ryan doesn't want Judd doing it, so.
That seems so sad. Someone on their death bed,
marrying three people on their deathbeds, in a giant deathbed factory.
Just say the vows, you prick, okay? Great.
Yeah, let's just do it here. I'm tired of running.
- Okay. - It's as bad as anywhere else, I suppose.
- Everybody, get a seat. - Who's got the...
- Yep, yep, yep! - Frank's still got it. Let's go.
No, no, no, skip that bit, skip that.
Dearly beloved slash condemned, we're gathered here today
to celebrate the joyous slash heart-breaking union
of you three people as you commit to spending
the rest of your harrowingly short lives together.
Okay, everyone, listen! Listen, I've got it! Okay.
Do they think, Rav's in charge here?
This is either the first or the final stage of carbon monoxide poisoning.
How about we kill the engine, the lights, the power, we go completely dark.
The missile passes us by. Boom!
I mean, the opposite of boom, hopefully. But who's with me?
Do you, Potential Spouse One,
take Potential Spouse Two as your lawfully wedded spouse?
Not massively clear but, yes, I do.
And do you, Potential Spouse Two,
take Spouse One as your lawfully wedded spouse?
- I do. - Will you stop mouthing along?
- I'm being an effing witness! - Boundaries, honey, please.
Okay, everybody, get ready! Get ready, find a space.
Okay, here goes.
And since you are a throuple,
do you, Potential Spouse Three, take Confirmed Spouses One and Two
as your lawfully wedded spouses?
Disable systems!
- What happened? Where did she go? - I didn't touch it, I didn't do any...
- We've gotta finish it. - She didn't say her vows.
Does that mean just us are married?
Oh, tits.
I mean, I said "I do," so...
So I think we're good. Because we still have a missile to stop
and an asteroid to harvest before we cut the cake.
Wait, did you just marry Karen?
- No! - Maybe.
You married my wife?
- Yes, I think so. - Mazel tov. Captain!
If you hadn't dithered, we'd be done by now.
If we survive this, I will annul you.
- You don't mean that. - I thought you were just a witness.
- I think we're married, honey. - Charles?
I'm just a happy bride!
Everyone! We need total silence.
You should challenge that.
- Hey Rav? - What?
- You mean total silence? - Yes!
That doesn't seem possible.
- Great challenge. - We should go.
Oh, my God, guys!
Guys, I'm kind of hoping that we die now.
- Is that strange? - Four words. Shut the fuck up!
- That's actually five words. - Shush!
Wait, no, it's four. My bad.
Just shut up! Just shut up. Everyone, shut up.
You have gotta call Lucas. I grabbed this just before the split,
so you could call Lucas!
Oh, you little beauty.
Not you. I mean, not, not that you're not...
Oh, my God, Ryan, I don't care, just do the call.
- Ryan! How you doing? - Lucas, we have good news.
- Hey! Hey! - The missile is not going to hit us now.
And even better news, we're about to harvest
a large amount of lithium. So, suck, as it were, on that.
How exactly are you gonna get this lithium?
We propose to trade the lithium for a rescue.
Yeah, and a proper rescue, not just some guy with a headlamp and an energy bar.
And in return, we will save you from extinction.
How does that sound? Pretty good, I would think.
- How are we doing on the eulogy? - Billie? Ryan?
- Oh, shit! Captain, they've gone dark! - Ryan?
They switched their lights off so that the missile latches onto us!
Ryan?
Such a low-down, shitty thing to do!
Why the fuck didn't I think of that? What's he doing?
Do missiles go for flashing lights? I thought that was moths.
You there? No? Fuck.
Hold on, Lucas! I gotta speak to this demented toddler.
- Judd! - Oh, hey, Ryan.
- If you want your lights back on... - And eels, if we survive.
And eels, if we survive, then we're gonna need some linens,
five thousand toilet rolls, half the medicine, and mustard.
We want all the mustard. You like mustard?
Just say fucking yes!
You can have the absolutely irrelevant mustard.
- "Corporeal bonds." I like that. - Yeah. Okay.
And also, "Brave." No. "Noble."
"Brave-slash-noble humanity." That'll do for now.
- Great. Great. - Lucas, you still there?
Yes, I am still here,
and I'm not the one who's got a missile heading towards me, by the way,
so I'm gonna need some details of this plan.
Okay, Spike's closing in on the missile. Five minutes.
- Put him on. Where is the... - I'll get the eulogy.
I'm getting the eulogy up. Okay.
- Ryan. Ryan? - Spike Martin.
And Ryan, we're gonna need all the pillows, too.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Judd! Fuck the pillows! You can sleep on the mustard!
Spike Martin, Godspeed, old friend.
Know this. We will honor you and the noble-slash-braves...
the braves, sacrifice that you will have made, all of our lives.
- I really don't like that. - Well, you told me to put a slash.
- I know... - But it was either or, so.
- But I couldn't read that, could I? - I think he liked it.
Spike?
That's badly written.
Seat warmer.
Fancy, a last blast of fun down there.
Medical scan selected. Cholesterol, high.
I like butter, so fuck you.
You will live on, in our hearts and memories.
We will always...
- Cardiac health, excellent. - What?
Minor inflammation in the left ventricle.
May flag as mitral valve prolapse if incorrectly scanned. Treatment, aspirin.
Wait. The robot was wrong?
...as you slip these corporeal bonds
and take your rightful place in the firmament...
- A nd Ryan... - Jesus Christ!
We're only gonna be able to send one crate of eels a month.
- I hope that's okay. - Okay, okay.
Will you fuck massively and totally off?
- Who's talking now? - Not you, Lucas.
Lucas?
- Your fearlessness will inspire ge... - I'm not doing it.
- Hello? Spike? - I'm not doing it.
- You're not doing what? - I'm gonna live!
So I'm turning the escape pod around.
I think we all knew that was gonna happen.
No! No, no, no, Spike. You grow a spine, Spike
and you throw that spine at the fucking missile!
- Spike is gonna fly into the missile. - Why are you negotiating without me?
For fuck's sake.
Oh, you know, if you switch this, then everyone can hear everyone.
Well, why didn't you tell me that before...
- Did you not see me going... - I wondered what that was about.
The reason I didn't tell you, Judd,
is because the last chats you had with Lucas went so well
he fired a missile at us!
I'm a master negotiator. I just negotiated for all the pillows.
If idiocy was an orthodox church, you'd be an archdeacon!
- You'd be Pope Herman the Fuck! - Well, you're not a real man, Ryan.
You're just a coat hanger for despair.
- You're a shoe tree for twat! - Spike!
You're unhealthy for everyone. You're bad for us all,
in a pure, unadulterated, ass-banana way.
I just came up with that word right now. Ass-banana.
Could you come up with ass-banana?
- I doubt it. - Stop saying ass-banana.
Spike, please! I'm gonna need some more information.
Here's all the info you need. Fuck this, I'm not doing it.
No. Spike, you have to do it. There's a baby in here.
I say this with lots of love. That baby's gonna have to swivel.
Spike, whatever the problem is, you just tell us
and we'll talk you through. We're all here. We're all here.
The problem is, I'm a massive chickenshit.
- Yeah, well, he is. - That is not helpful!
But with the ventricles of a 20-year-old, so I'm coming back!
No! No, no, Spike, come on, you can do this!
- You're a hero! - You've always been a hero to us, Spike.
I'm... crying.
Heroes don't... They don't cry.
- They totally do! - Yeah!
- All the time! - All the time!
It's wonderful that you're in touch with your vulnerable side.
Having said that, you do absolutely have to fucking kill yourself.
Don't listen to him. Listen to me.
You really do need to kill yourself, but because I said it, not Ryan.
- Two minutes to total eradication. - Unnecessary addition of "total."
Oh, yes. Tautology at a time like this, it's insane.
Okay. Come on, you old bastard, you can do this.
All right, listen. I have some frozen sperm, and I want you to have it...
Goddammit, you're gonna die too. Well, I want you to have it anyway.
And this isn't me hitting on you, so don't get legal.
Those are your last words to me? "Don't get legal"?
Nope. I can't.
- Oh, my God! - No, no!
He's only gone and accidentally saved us! Oh, my God!
He did it!
Lucas! I'm over several moons to be able to inform you
that the lithium is on its way. We've only gone and saved Planet Earth.
- You are barely welcome. - Oh, wait, no.
The missile looks like it's now headed for the...
Asteroid.
Can I call you back?
What the... What?
That's why they call it a missile! Because it misses!
I don't know how I feel!
I don't know how I feel.
Reactivate systems!
- I think I just saved the ship! - I think you did!
Adulation? Not unpleasant. I might start doing cocaine after this!
I'm a fucking legend! All right, put me down, put me down.
All yield. All hail Rav. All yield. All hail Rav!
All yield! All hail Rav!
- All yield! All hail Rav! - Matt, we did it! We're alive!
I'm...
- All yield! All hail Rav! - Hey.
Hi! I just wanted to let everyone know,
I saved us. You're welcome. It was nothing.
Yeah, you're darn right it was nothing. You did nothing.
He ran away and got fussy about bed linen.
He's a super big sociopath, and we should kill him!
- Yeah! - That's against ship rules.
Okay, we can't kill him. It's against ship rules.
What can we do?
You know what we do to jellyfish?
- No? - Is we feed them to eels.
- We can feed him to the eels! - Feed him now! Feed him now!
- Feed him now! - Guys?
I would just say that I don't wanna be fed to eels.
- Why? - Because I saved us.
And I got us a great deal on pillows and mustard.
We didn't get the pillows.
- Fuck. - Get him!
They're incredibly suggestible.
To the eels! To the eels! To the eels!
Holy shit. That is impressive.
Yeah. Quite the happy ending, isn't it?
All right. Let me make some calls.
And sorry about the missile.
- So is this all we managed to save? - Yeah.
It could power an electric scooter for about 25 minutes.
So in addition to destroying almost all the lithium in the galaxy,
there's a good chance I'm married to Karen Kelly.
Bit of golf?
- The golf course is on the other side... - It's on the other side, yeah.
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