'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest girls in nasty situations.'
'Let's play Botherguts!'
'Come on!
'Three, two, one!
'Go!
'Chuck her a bun!
'Not hungry?! That's a first?!
'Come on!
'That'd hurt!
Brilliant!
Fucking brilliant, that!
That one does that sometimes. Hang on.
There's a little knob in here somewhere.
Almost the only real thing in there,
and even that's grown in a Petri dish.
Thank you.
'Licking my pussy.'
For Christ's sake!
Way to mood-kill, blubbernaut! Cheers for the reflection!
One minute I'm in slitsville, the next there's a haunted pig
gawping at me. They may as well have cut to a war crime!
Oi!
You missed a bit.
Pie ape!
You see that?
Fucking pie ape!
He'll be in lemon and all before long!
'Selma Telse.'
'Howie Mandelbrot.'
'Each headlines their own content on one of your eight daylight streams.
'But they started here, like you.
'Putting their back into giving back for a brighter now.
'Each paying their dues like you, hoping to become a hot shot.'
'That wasn't good...
'..that was beyond incredible!'
'You decide the victors, you control their fates,
'you make the call on Hot Shots.
'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest girls in the nastiest situations.
'So let's view it.'
'Resume viewing. Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing. Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing.'
'You are going to see it all.'
'Exclusively on Wraith Babes XL.
'Hey, what else were you planning to do with that hand?'
'You lick my pussy, baby.
'I turn you on!
'Hi, I'm Roxy, hello.
'Hi, I'm Evie.'
Didn't let him sign in.
Told him to report to 22 down.
Told ya!
He's gone lemon, the lazy fuck!
What do you think?
It's a bit much.
Yeah.
'Best thing about my new lifestyle? Where do I start?
'I love choosing my own clothes and I love gold.
'I feel like it really expresses who I really am
'and I love looking over outside.
'It's so beautiful sometimes, I just wish that everyone could see it.'
Nice outfit
Suits you.
'Well, honesty is ruthless so I suppose it's just honesty...
'ruthless honesty.'
Drying my hands.
Impressive.
Have fun...
I mean, on the...
'Hey, regular user!
'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest girls in the nastiest situation.
'Select view... '
Dick.
Detritus. Sorry.
Come on!
Wait. There's a knack to it.
- You'll take your fingers off. - Trust me.
Smart.
Bing Manson.
Short for Bingham.
Abi Carner.
Short for Abi Carner.
You're a new person. I've not seen you.
I just went 21 last week.
I wanted to go to Airdale My sister's there, but...
It's full, apparently.
Proper fruit. It was worth the risk.
The most natural thing in there's probably grown in a Petri dish.
Yeah.
Quite good, though.
Yeah. That's the right way round.
When you get the cheap one, you end up having to pedal it off.
Then you want more sugar. Then you're playing catch-up and I've...
I've been there. It's a vicious circle.
Can't you just use that CPT app?
What's that?
This cognitive behavioural thing.
It realigns your thinking to pick healthy food.
Whispers you into it while you sleep.
Yeah, I should try that, yeah.
I liked your singing the other day.
I was trying to sing so no-one could hear me pee.
I'm not Selma or anything.
You've got a phenomenal voice. It was the most beautiful song...
Y... You think I'm being cheesy?
All right, I am being cheesy.
But it was beautiful, so, you know...
Reality's cheesy sometimes. Not often, admittedly, but...
Now.
Yeah...
Well, thank you.
It's just noises, though.
Noises in the right order.
Don't downplay... you're good.
The song's good. It's old.
My mum used to sing it and she learnt it from her mum.
A hand-me-down.
You thought of trying out for Hot Shot?
Me?
Why not?
Singing in front of Judge Hope?
I'd die! Seriously, I'd be halfway to the afterlife come the chorus.
No, you'd walk it.
A) I wouldn't.
And B)... I don't have that clockage.
It's, what, 12 mil just to enter?
What kind of bike time is that? Six months?
- Yeah, but... - I'm hand to mouth.
I know people save and stuff to get onto that stage
and then there's what Selma did. But, you know what?
- I'd rather not give myself... - Yeah, but I'll gift it to you.
The full 12, I'll gift it.
Don't be ridiculous!
Seriously, I've got it spare.
You've got 12 mil spare?
My brother left it me.
Own a channel, does he?
No, he...
He died.
He... He died last year,
so it got transferred to me.
Just over six months' worth, but I've kept it.
Why don't you spend it on you, then?
And buy what? Some new shoes for my doppel to wear?
I don't know, upgrade your MOS...
Or get a Fat Attack season pass?
Buy one of those wall buddies.
The new ones that talk to you after shutting and solve your problems.
They guide your dreams, like gurus. It's amazing, really, what they can do.
A mirror plug-in? That shows me how I look as a werewolf? What's the point?
- I know it can be quite funny. - It's all just stuff. It's...
It's stuff, it's confetti, it's...
You've got something real.
What better to spend it on?
You heard me singing in a toilet.
Is that real?
More than anything that's happened all year.
I can't take that kind of clockage off someone.
It's 12 mils, no way.
Let me do this.
I... I look around here, I just...
I just want something real to happen.
Just once.
I'd mess up.
You wouldn't. I don't care anyway.
I'll go with you. I'll be able to force you.
I'll force you to go.
It's tomorrow.
Come on!
Say yes.
I'll go as far as to say, "OK."
Which proves acceptable.
Thank God for that.
Walking away now.
You loon!
I can live with it!
I'd love to fucking ruin that and all.
What?
15?
A flippin' joke...
'New from Wraith Babes.
'The hottest girls in the nastiest situations.'
Yeah!
Can't believe I'm doing this.
I am doing this.
I can't be doing this.
Can you trade it back?
The ticket?
Don't be mad.
It's a lot of pressure to put someone under, you know.
Don't think I'm not grateful. But it's, it's just...
You're babbling.
I'm babbling.
I made you this.
You never get to keep them more than a day, but there it is, anyway.
It folds flat.
So you can keep them in your waistband.
Thank you.
It's, you know...
something.
Face the screen, please.
Is he your Friends And Family allocation?
Hand, please.
That's not permanent, is it?
No. Two months max.
Round to the right, and through the scanner.
Where do we go now?
You wait here.
How long?
So, what do we do?
I don't know.
Hey, hey, hey. Fuck off.
Her with the dark hair?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pretty one.
Yup. OK. Move.
They want to preview you.
- What? - Preview. Come on.
- He's with me. - Hand?
Show me your hand.
OK. You, too.
That's not fair. She's new. That's not fair.
I don't pick the order.
I've waited here all week, and she's just walked in.
Everyone will get seen eventually. I don't pick the order.
But I'm a good singer.
I can sing. I'm a good singer, I am.
- Stand aside. - It's not fair!
It's not fair!
- Next lot. - Stand there.
Would you like to be as big as Salma one day?
Yeah, I mean...
Could you say that
as a self-contained sentence into that screen?
I guess I'd like to be as big as Salma one day.
OK. Proceed to stage area.
Are we done?
- Both performing? - Just her.
- Okay... and what are you? - Singer.
- Cuppliance? - No, thanks.
A-ha. Yes, thanks! It's compulsory for all contestants.
More to the point, it'll stop you puking with nerves.
- She's got to perform. - Well...
Look, just sip it, you'll be fine.
Just a touch of light foam. It'll pass.
Make the most of it.
You can't get this stuff anywhere else.
You OK? Yeah.
You OK?
Yeah. Just...
I don't know. Things are just wider apart. I'm fine.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Right. You're on.
A little closer, please.
Little closer.
Into the light, love.
- And who're we looking at here? - Abi Khan.
What are you going to do for us today, Abi?
I'm going to sing.
You speak up, love.
We don't bite.
I'm going to sing.
Hey, would you mind lifting up your top for me?
Can you take off your top?
I want to check out those titties.
Come on. Mucho feranto.
No titties?
She says she's here to sing.
I got to see those titties, though.
Come on, girl.
I mean, damn!
You hot.
Please, just sing for us.
OK. I'm going to stop you there.
That was...
without a doubt...
probably the best piece of singing we've had this season.
Yes! Well done!
Fair play.
But I have to say...
No. No, no, no. I have to say,
actually,
I'm with Rafe on this one.
Good though your voice is... and it is good.
It's not the most magical sound in the world.
It's just... good.
I don't think anyone's really hearing it.
Certainly not the guys in the audience.
These looks you got going on kind of get in the way.
Men will want you. Women will hate you.
All the time you're on stage.
Couldn't help picturing you.
In an erotic scenario.
Getting pretty turned on, if I'm honest.
Right.
You've got this pure beauty
What seems to be a knockout figure.
And this sort of interesting innocence going on.
That's something I think Rafe's erotica channels
could really play with.
Absolutely. That's what I thought
the moment I saw you.
The moment.
I'd watch. I don't know a man here who wouldn't.
To be honest, some of us girls might join you.
Get off me!
Don't! Abi!
No! Abi! Abi!
I don't think that's quite...
You will never have to pedal again. Not one minute.
We could really work with you.
Last year we had singers, singers, singers.
So many singers.
So, to be a singer you have to be truly exceptional
There's just no slots left for an above average singer.
Not for the next few years, at least. Charity?
No. Saturation point, singer-wise.
Listen. We said, right from the start.
We'll go with something different this season.
That's why he's on the panel!
She would be a star on our stream.
A star.
On his...
You're furniture, at best.
Forget about all the shame, and all that ppht-ppht-tew.
We medicate against that.
You will have pleasure forever.
Realistically, sweetheart, it is that,
or the bike.
I, I don't think...
This is starting to annoy me.
Who do you think is powering that spotlight?
Millions of people. That's who.
All of them, out there, right now.
Putting in an honest day on the bike,
while you stand in the light they're generating
and dither.
You know what?
They would give anything. Do anything to be where you are now.
Am I right?!
You want to cock a snook at all that, as though it's nothing.
As though they're nothing.
And that makes me sick.
But, you know what?
Maybe you do belong on the bike.
Because you don't seem to be very willing to step off it.
I do want to.
We have a decision?
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
I suppose.
Go on!
Well done!
Best thing about my new lifestyle...
I get to meet lots of hot guys.
Wraith treats me well.
For Christ's sake!
I pay for this!
I... pay... for... this!
I pump my arse off, and you... Fuck you!
Yeah, keep waddling, pig tits.
Find your horizon and fuck off over it!
'It's a dream.
'I get to live...
'in a...
'beautiful place.
'And...
'wear lots of...
'beautiful things.
'It's a dream.'
Insufficient funds.
'From Wraith Babes... '
'C'mon, girl... '
'..a Wraith Babes reality special.'
I guess I'd like to be as big as Thelma one day.
'Millions watched her glide through the Hot Shot curtain of dreams
'to sing her heart out.'
'What happened next shocked them all.'
We could really work with you.
Do we have a decision?
'Now, watch her stunning erotic debut... '
No, no, no, no, no...
'So, who do we have here?'
I'm Abby.
'You were at Hot Shot.
'You were real impressive.'
Resume viewing!
- No! No! - Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
Resume viewing! Resume viewing! Resume viewing!
'Look at you.
'All clean and shiny.'
Portal disabled during commercial.
'You'll see everything.
'You'll see it all!
'Open your mouth.
'Open... take it in...
'take it in... yeah...
No! No! No! No!
'The hottest girls... '
Could you stand aside, please?
Come up into the back, in front of me, please.
Are you messin'?
A what-nic one?
An eth-nic one!
On it.
We're going to preview, all right? Want to follow me in the back?
You're a prick!
Next, lot.
Stand there!
So what are you, a magician?
An entertainer.
Could you say that down the screen as a self-contained sentence?
I'm an entertainer.
Before you go on, you need to drink a Cuppliance.
They give me one back there. Really? OK.
Well, in that case, you are good to...
go.
Who are you?
Bing Madsen.
What are you planning to do for us?
What the fuck?!
'A sort of performance.'
A sort of performance?
Yes.
Man of mystery!
I suppose we'd better see it.
OK.
Knob'ead!
Fucking cock!
Stop or I'll do it. This is a main artery. Keep walking, you kill me.
No-one stops me till I've said my piece. Then you can do what you like.
Man, just fucking kill yourself.
Get heavy on me, I swear to God, I kick your ass back to life,
just so I could cut your goddamn head off.
Go on!
I think we should let him speak.
- Speak! - Speak! Speak! Speak! Speak!
Let's hear what he has to say.
Well?
Come on.
Got our attention, as requested.
What do you want to say?
Have you prepared a speech, is that it?
Speak!
I haven't got a speech. I didn't plan words. I didn't even try to...
I just knew I had to get here, to stand here, and I wanted you to listen.
To really listen, not just pull a face like you're listening,
like you do the rest of the time.
A face that you're feeling instead of processing.
You pull a face, and poke it towards the stage,
and we lah-di-dah, we sing and dance and tumble around.
And all you see up here, it's not people,
you don't see people up here, it's all fodder.
And the faker the fodder, the more you love it,
because fake fodder's the only thing that works any more.
It's all that we can stomach. Actually, not quite all.
Real pain, real viciousness, that, we can take.
Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole.
We laugh ourselves feral, because we've earned the right,
we've done cell time and he's slacking, the scum,
so ha-ha-ha at him!
Because we're so out of our minds with desperation,
we don't know any better.
All we know is fake fodder and buying shit.
That's how we speak to each other,
how we express ourselves, is buying shit.
What, I have a dream?
The peak of our dreams is a new app for our Dopple, it doesn't exist!
It's not even there!
We buy shit that's not even there.
Show us something real and free and beautiful. You couldn't.
Yeah? It'd break us.
We're too numb for it.
I might as well choke.
It's only so much wonder we can bear.
When you find any wonder whatsoever, you dole it out in meagre portions.
Only then until it's augmented, packaged, and
pumped through 10,000 preassigned filters
till it's nothing more than a meaningless series of lights,
while we ride day in day out, going where?
Powering what?
All tiny cells and tiny screens and bigger cells
and bigger screens and fuck you!
Fuck you, that's what it boils down to.
Fuck you for sitting there and slowly making things worse.
Fuck you and your spotlight and your sanctimonious faces.
Fuck you all for thinking the one thing
I came close to never meant anything.
For oozing around it and crushing it into a bone, into a joke.
One more ugly joke in a kingdom of millions.
Fuck you for happening.
Fuck you for me, for us, for everyone.
Fuck you!
That was, without a doubt,
the most heartfelt thing I've seen on this stage
since Hotshot began!
Brilliant!
You...
you're so articulating something we all,
and I mean everyone in this hall,
something we all agree on.
Even though we may not comprehend all of it.
I think I'm right in saying we do feel it.
Even me.
I know you've got me down as this creature.
You know, hey...
I get where you're coming from.
- I like your stuff. - It's not stuff.
It's truth. Am I right?
Your truth, admittedly, but truth nonetheless.
And you're right.
Authenticity is in woefully short supply.
I'd like to hear you talk again.
How so?
The slot on one of my streams
where you can talk just like that.
I'd watch it. It was such great passion.
He's a'right. You're a little hot there, bud.
That throat cutting thing? Neat gimmick.
What do you say?
30 minutes twice a week?
- Do it, do it, do it! - Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it! Do it, do it, do it!
Go on, you bastard.
- Do it, do it, do it! - Do it, do it, do it!
Beats the bike.
Certainly does.
'We have with us Oliver. Oliver ate and ate
'till he hit 17 stone and he's here today to try and beat us
'on Botherguts!
'Keep going.'
OK, I'm going to stop you there. That was achingly terrible.
You have the magnetism of a towel. I don't ever want to look at you again.
I have to agree. I'm so sorry, love.
You came across as fundamentally unlikeable
and really quite worthless.
You could fill that pussy with honey and I still wouldn't fuck it.
I'm a good singer. I can sing, yeah.
Cos this is my destiny
and I can sing, fu...!
'Like that, don't you, Harry?
'Say it.
'Yeah.
'15,000 new wardrobe options
'launched last week alone.
'It effectively translates as 15,000 new ways to kill time
'in your cell before you explore an afterlife
'which doesn't exist anyway.
'With any luck, it'll take your mind off those saddle sores?
'You know the only thing stopping me from slashing myself open right now?
'I might not die right away.
'And before I went, they'd find a way
'to charge my twitching half-dead cadaver,
'20,000 merits for swabbing the walls clean.'
- Yeah. - Anyway,
'hang on in there
if you must.
'We're all in this together they say.
'Yeah, right.
'Farewell for ever.
'Till the same time next week.'
Stream off-line.
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