♪♪
♪ SOMETIMES SOME CRIMES ♪
♪ GO SLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CRACKS ♪
♪ BUT THESE TWO GUMSHOES ♪
♪ ARE PICKIN' UP THE SLACK ♪
♪ THERE'S NO CASE TOO BIG ♪
♪ NO CASE TOO SMALL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU NEED HELP, JUST CALL ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE'S ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ NO, NO, IT NEVER FAILS ♪
♪ ONCE THEY'RE INVOLVED ♪
♪ SOMEHOW WHATEVER'S WRONG GETS SOLVED ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE'S ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ NO, NO, IT NEVER FAILS ♪
♪ THEY'LL TAKE THE CLUES ♪
♪ AND FIND THE WHERES AND WHYS AND WHOS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE'S ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N DALE ♪
THERE'S THE THEATER. HURRY AND LAND.
ROGER, DALE. ONE LANDING COMING UP.
COME ON!
WHAT'S THE BIG HURRY, DALE? WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.
I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE CARTOON.
HOPE IT'S THE ONE WITH THE BIG DUMB DUCK.
UHH! UGHH!
[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT
THAN GOING TO THE MOVIES.
OH, CHIP. EVEN RESCUE RANGERS NEED TIME OFF ONCE IN A WHILE.
BESIDES, THIS MOVIE IS RESEARCH.
IT'S GOT BATTLES AND SWORD-FIGHTING AND EVERYTHING.
HEY, WHERE'S ZIPPER?
THE MOVIE'S ABOUT TO START.
[SNIFFS]
AAH!
CAN'T STAND BEING IN THE SPOTLIGHT, EH, ZIP?
AHH...
[PIANO PLAYING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
LET THE MASQUERADE BEGIN.
HEY, WHERE'S THE MOVIE SCREEN?
♪ OH, CRUEL FATE ♪
♪ OH, SAD DAY... ♪
WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?
GOLLY, DALE. THIS ISN'T A MOVIE.
NO KIDDING!
STRIKE ME STARKERS! IT'S A BLOOMIN' OPERA!
GOSH, WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR US
TO CULTURALLY ENRICH OURSELVES.
♪ AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH ♪
♪ AHH AHH AH! ♪
HA.
I HATE IT! I'M GOING HOME TO WATCH TV!
GOOD! I'LL STAY HERE FOR SOME CULTURAL ENRICHMENT.
WELL, I DIDN'T SAY I COULDN'T LEARN TO LIKE IT.
♪ IF ONLY HE WOULD RETURN ♪
♪ TO ME ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, I'VE COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ♪
GET THAT PIRATE SCUM!
♪ FAIR MAIDEN ♪
♪ I HAVE RETURNED ♪
♪ AND NOTHING ♪
♪ NOTHING ♪
♪ NOTHING... ♪
WOWEE! WHAT A GUY!
♪ WILL PART US NOW ♪
♪ OUR HEARTS ARE ONE ♪
♪ WE WILL NEVER PART ♪
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ WILL LAST ♪
♪ FOREVER... ♪
AHH...
EW! MUSHY STUFF! BUT THAT SWORD-FIGHTING WAS GREAT!
DALE! SHH!
♪ LOVE AND PASSION ♪
♪ AHH AHH AHH ♪
♪ I WILL LEAVE YOU... ♪
CAN YOU SEE THEM?
DON'T CROWD ME, YOU IDIOT. THEY'RE RIGHT BELOW.
HAND ME THE FILE.
♪ HANDS OFF, PIRATE SCUM ♪
♪ WHAT HO? ♪
♪ SHE IS THE KING'S ONLY DAUGHTER... ♪
OH, BOY! MORE SWORD-FIGHTING!
♪ LEAVE HER BE OR FACE DEATH ♪
EN GARDE!
EN GARDE, PIRATE SCUM!
YOU SAID IT.
UH-OH.
WHAT A HAM!
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[SAWING]
HUH?
DALE!
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.
I GUESS ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.
BUT IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
COME ON!
DALE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT? I WAS GREAT!
DIDN'T YOU SEE ME?
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.
[GROANS]
HEY! THOSE ARE THE GUYS WHO CUT THE ROPE!
[CHATTERING]
CRIKEY, THIS IS HEAVY.
THOSE LITTLE NIPPERS ARE SURE STRONG FOR THEIR SIZE.
GOLLY! WE MUST BE IN THE STORM DRAINS UNDER THE CITY.
GET A MOVE ON, MONTEREY!
I'M GONNA SLICE THOSE YELLOW-BELLIED SCALLYWAGGERS TO RIBBONS!
HEY! QUIT ROCKING THE BOAT!
ALL RIGHT. I JUST WISH WE COULD GO FASTER.
I HAVEN'T HAD A RIDE LIKE THAT
SINCE ME WALLABY HAD THE FIDGETING HICCUPS.
AHH! TOORALOO!
GOLLY! IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN A WHOLE OTHER WORLD.
BUT WHY WOULD THOSE LITTLE GUYS WANT TO LIVE WAY DOWN HERE?
RENT'S PROBABLY CHEAPER.
YOU PUTRID TOAD!
THAT OPERA SINGER WOULD BE FLAT AS A CREPE
IF NOT FOR YOU!
ME? YOU JUST HURT MY HAND!
THIS IS HOW YOU GET RID OF
A NO-TALENT ACTOR LIKE CLARENCE DUDLEY.
OW! OOH! EEH!
OW! OUCH! OW!
NO, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.
OUCH! STOP IT! ALL RIGHT! OW!
OH, THEY'RE NOTHING BUT PINT-SIZED TWERPS.
I CAN TAKE 'EM.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
COME BACK HERE, DALE!
EN GARDE!
[GASPS]
EN GARDE, YOU SAY?
UNFAIR, YOU NASTY RODENT!
I DON'T NEED THIS. I'LL TAKE YOU BAREHANDED.
DON'T GET COCKY, PALLY.
PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT THEM.
THIS IS THE BEST PART.
UGHH!
AHH!
HUH?
AH, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
COULD IT BE AN AUDIENCE?
UH, I GUESS.
WE'RE THE...
[GULP] RESCUE RANGERS.
OH, HOW MARVELOUSLY INTRIGUING.
AND I...
[CLEARS THROAT]
AND I...
OH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE MANAGEMENT IS PLEASED TO PRESENT
FOR YOUR HISTRIONIC PLEASURE...
THAT'S ONE CRACKED CROC.
THE SINGER, DANCER, AND ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE,
SEWERNOSE DE BERGERAC.
WHY, THANK YOU, EURIPIDES.
YOU ARE TOO KIND.
OF COURSE HE'S TOO KIND.
YOU STINK!
AHH!
I GIVE HIM THE THUMBS DOWN.
NO. THE THUMBS UP.
HIS MACBETH INTERPRETATION IS BEYOND COMPARE.
ACK!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SEWERNOSE?
CAN'T TAKE CRITICISM?
I CAN, TOO!
CRITICISM ALLOWS A PERFORMER TO GROW.
AFTER ALL, I AM A PROFESSIONAL.
I HAVE STUDIED UNDER THE GREATEST PERFORMERS
OF ALL TIME.
YEAH, ABOUT 30 FEET UNDER.
IT HASN'T BEEN EASY, YOU KNOW.
BARELY OUT OF THE EGG,
I WAS CRUELLY TORN FROM MY NEST IN THE LOUISIANA BAYOU
AND SENT TO A METROPOLITAN PET SHOP.
YOU CAN IMAGINE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE.
NO SOONER WAS I SETTLED
THAN I WAS AGAIN UPROOTED
WHEN SOMEONE'S MOTHER FLUSHED ME...
YOU'LL EXCUSE THE EXPRESSION...
INTO THE CITY SEWER SYSTEM.
[SNIFFLES]
SO I MADE MY HOME HERE,
BENEATH THE THEATER.
BRAVO! BRAVO!
BRAVISSIMO!
REALLY MARVELOUS!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AAH!
YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW!
THE SHOW'S JUST BEGUN!
I WAS HOPING YOU'D STAY
FOR A LITTLE DINNER THEATER.
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
WELCOME TO SEWERNOSE DE BERGERAC'S DINNER THEATER.
[CHATTERING]
PAY THE RENT OR ELSE
I'LL BE FORCED TO SELL YOUR FAVORITE DOG, SPOT.
[BARKING]
NO, NO, NOT MY DEAR PUP SPOT.
OH, BOO-HOO! BOO-HOO!
NEVER FEAR, MADAM.
WE WILL SAVE YOU.
OH, THANK YOU, KIND SIRS.
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SAVE HER, DO YOU?
I'LL TEACH YOU NUTHEADS A LESSON YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.
THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS, SIR.
PUT UP YOUR DUKES.
HA HA HA! THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MELODRAMA!
AND THIS IS NOTHING LIKE ONE.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH MY FRIENDS!
WHY YOU... I'LL SHOW YA,
YOU OVERGROWN EXCUSE FOR A LIZARD!
WHAT? STOP THAT!
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER
THAN TO PERFORM DINNER THEATER WITH AMATEURS!
OH, WELL. WE'LL JUST DISPENSE WITH THE THEATER
AND GO RIGHT TO DINNER.
[GASP]
GOLLY, MR. SEWERNOSE.
WE'RE SORRY WE'RE WEREN'T VERY GOOD IN YOUR SHOW.
BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT US TO BE AS WONDERFUL AS YOU!
WONDERFUL?
RIGHT. YOU'RE THE BEST ACTOR WE'VE EVER SEEN!
YOU BETCHA. EVEN BETTER THAN OLD CLARENCE DUDLEY.
HEAR THAT, BOYS? PUBLIC RECOGNITION AT LAST!
I'M EXCITED SENSELESS!
I CAN SING RINGS
AROUND THAT NO-TALENT FOOFINEGLE, CLARENCE DUDLEY!
AND TONIGHT, I WILL.
DUDLEY, TONIGHT YOU FACE YOUR FINAL CURTAIN.
HA HA HA HA!
HE'S BATTIER THAN A ROOM FULL OF JAMAICAN FRUIT BATS,
BUT YOU'VE GOTTA ADMIT, HE'S ENTERTAINING.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
CANDYGRAM.
NO, THANK YOU. MUST WATCH MY FIGURE, YOU KNOW.
FLOWERS.
HEAVENS, NO! MY HAY FEVER.
SINGING TELEGRAM.
HMM. HOW DROLL.
ENTREZ-VOUS.
♪ CLARENCE DUDLEY, WHAT A STAR ♪
♪ A CELEBRITY THROUGH AND THROUGH ♪
♪ YOUR EGO'S FAT, BUT THAT'S OKAY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I INTEND TO EAT YOU ♪
AHH! NO!
NO!
VERY WELL.
ONE SHOULDN'T PERFORM ON A FULL STOMACH ANYWAY.
AHH!
BUT I... I HAVE A PERFORMANCE TO...
GOLLY, WE CAN'T JUST HANG AROUND AND DO NOTHING.
IT'S THE UNIFORM, MATES.
WOMEN GO CRAZY FOR THEM.
COME ON! WE'VE GOT TO SAVE CLARENCE.
MAN, THIS THRONE'S GETTING HEAVY.
OR MAYBE IT'S JUST THE SIX CHILI DOGS WE HAD FOR LUNCH.
NO SIGN OF SEWERNOSE.
MAYBE WE GOT HERE FIRST.
WE'D BETTER CHECK CLARENCE'S DRESSING ROOM.
GIVE IT THE OLD EYEBALL, ZIPPER.
[GROANING]
LOOKS LIKE WE'D BETTER GET IN THERE.
ALLEY-OOP!
IT'S NO GOOD, GUYS. I CAN'T REACH.
WELL, OF COURSE.
WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
WHAT IS THIS, 20 QUESTIONS?
AAH!
OH, NO! HE'S HEADED FOR THE STAGE!
♪ MI MI MI MI ♪
[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]
[CONDUCTOR TAPPING BATON]
DO YOU SEE SEWERNOSE?
AFRAID NOT.
YOU WOULDN'T THINK AN ALLIGATOR
WOULD BE SO HARD TO FIND.
WE GOTTA GET HIM BACK INTO THE SEWER
BEFORE HE HURTS SOMEONE.
BUT HOW? HE'S TOO BIG.
LET THE MASQUERADE BEGIN.
♪ OH, CRUEL FATE ♪
♪ OH, SAD DAY ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S MY FATHER, THE KING... ♪
TRY NOT TO CHOKE OUT THERE, YOU DESPICABLE LIZARD.
THANK YOU, VOLTAIRE.
YOU'LL BE MARVELOUS, SEWERNOSE!
AH, EURIPIDES, I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU.
GO OUT THERE AND KILL THEM!
DEPENDING ON THEIR REACTION, I JUST MIGHT.
♪ ...FOR LOVE ♪
♪ AND ALL BECAUSE HE'S A PIRATE ♪
♪ IF ONLY HE WOULD RETURN ♪
♪ TO ME ♪
♪ RETURN TO ME ♪
HA HA.
[CRASH]
HEY, WHAT'S WITH DUDLEY'S NEW MASK?
IT'S BETTER THAN LOOKING AT HIS FACE.
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ I'VE COME TO SAVE THE DAY ♪
IT WORKED ONCE BEFORE.
♪ I HAVE RETURNED ♪
♪ AND NOTHING ♪
♪ NOTHING ♪
♪ NOTHING... ♪
♪ WILL PART US NOW ♪
♪ OUR HEARTS ARE ONE ♪
♪ WE WILL NEVER PART ♪
AAH!
- OH, NO! - COME ON!
WE'VE GOTTA KEEP HIM ON THE STAGE!
ALLIGATOR?
AAH!
YIPE!
EVERYONE'S A CRITIC. I'LL HAVE YOU ALL FOR DINNER!
♪ OUR HEARTS ARE ONE ♪
MY PART!
♪ WE WILL NEVER PART ♪
♪ OUR LOVE ♪
♪ WILL LAST ♪
♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ OUR HEARTS ARE ONE ♪
♪ AHH AHH AHH... ♪
ALMOST DONE, GADGET?
JUST ABOUT. BUT YOU HAVE TO GET SEWERNOSE INTO THE FOUNTAIN.
NO PROBLEM.
♪ I WILL LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ NEVER ♪
♪ HANDS OFF, PIRATE SCUM ♪
♪ WHAT HO? ♪
♪ SHE IS THE KING'S ONLY DAUGHTER ♪
♪ NOT YOURS FOR THE TAKIN' ♪
♪ LEAVE HER BE OR FACE DEATH ♪
EN GARDE!
OKAY, THAT DOES IT. IT'S UP TO DALE NOW.
OH, I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR.
MAYBE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
HOW'S THAT, SEWERBREATH?
[SNORT] CHILD'S PLAY!
I MEANT TO DO THAT.
COMIC RELIEF IS ESSENTIAL TO DRAMA.
GET HIM INTO THE FOUNTAIN!
ALL RIGHT, YOU PIRATE SCUM!
IT'S TIME YOU HAD A BATH!
ZOUNDS! I AM UNDONE.
YOUR FLASHY SWORD AND RAPIER WIT
ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME.
WAY TO GO, DALE!
YOU'RE FINISHED, SEWERNOSE!
AH, BUT YOU FORGET...
I AM THE HERO OF THIS PLAY.
[GULP]
OH, NO!
COME ON, LOVE! NOW I'VE GOT AN IDEA!
AREN'T YOU OVERDRESSED?
NOW FOR A LITTLE CHIPMUNK SHISH KEBAB.
GO AHEAD! THEN TURN THE SWORD ON YOURSELF!
RIGHT! YOU'VE ALREADY HACKED THIS PLAY TO RIBBONS.
BUT HOW? I MEAN, I WAS GOOD.
I AM AN ACTOR!
YOU ARE THE BUFFOON.
YOU STINK, YOU STINK, YOU STINK.
ET TU, EURIPIDES?
BUT YOU WERE ALWAYS SO KIND TO ME.
LET HER RIP, ZIPPER!
[WHOOSH]
NO! NO, NOT THAT!
MAMA!
NO!
WELL, I GUESS SEWERNOSE IS ALL WASHED UP IN THIS TOWN.
YEAH, HE REALLY LET HIMSELF GO DOWN THE DRAIN.
HA HA HA!
[END MUSIC PLAYING]