♪♪
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ SOMETIMES SOME CRIMES ♪
♪ GO SLIPPIN' THROUGH THE CRACKS ♪
♪ BUT THESE TWO GUMSHOES ♪
♪ ARE PICKIN' UP THE SLACK ♪
♪ THERE'S NO CASE TOO BIG ♪
♪ NO CASE TOO SMALL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU NEED HELP, JUST CALL ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE'S ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ NO, NO, IT NEVER FAILS ♪
♪ ONCE THEY'RE INVOLVED ♪
♪ SOMEHOW WHATEVER'S WRONG GETS SOLVED ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ NO, NO, IT NEVER FAILS ♪
♪ THEY'LL TAKE THE CLUES ♪
♪ AND FIND THE WHERES AND WHYS AND WHOS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
♪ RESCUE RANGERS ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S DANGER ♪
♪ CH-CH-CH-CHIP 'N' DALE ♪
POST CARD FOR THE RESCUE RANGERS.
THAT'S US. THANK YOU.
THEY SHOULD CALL THESE POSTER CARDS, NOT POST CARDS.
HEY, GANG, LOOKI! SOMEBODY SENT US A POSTER CARD.
WHO'S IT FROM?
CANINA LaFUR. LISTEN. "HELLO, MY LITTLE DARLINGS.
"I'M FILMING ON LOCATION IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY.
"YOU MUST COME AT ONCE. I'M IN EXTREME DANGER.
"HELP! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!
"SIGNED... CANINA LaFUR,
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN AND OCCASIONAL DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL."
POOR CANINA. WE GOT TO HELP HER.
HOLD ON, PALLIES!
THE LAST TIME CANINA SAID SHE WAS "IN DANGER,"
SHE LOST HER TAP SHOES.
BUT, MONTY, THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG CASE.
ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS BETTER NOT BE A WILD POODLE CHASE.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
THE BORDER CROSSING SHOULD BE DEAD AHEAD.
WELCOME TO TAXIDERMIA, BUCKOS.
[CHIRPING STOPS]
HEY, LISTEN. I DON'T HEAR ANY MORE BIRDS.
AND YOU WON'T BE HEARING ANY, EITHER.
ANIMALS DON'T MAKE NOISE IN THIS COUNTRY.
- THEY'RE TOO AFRAID. - AFRAID OF WHAT?
HUNTERS. THEY HAVE LEGAL HUNTING HERE ALL YEAR ROUND.
SO DO MOST PLACES.
YEAH, BUT HERE THE PREY CHANGES BY THE HOUR.
ROUND HERE, GROUND-HOG DAY TAKES ON NEW MEANING.
[GUNSHOT]
GUESS WHAT SEASON IT IS NOW.
COME BACK HERE, YOU RUNAWAY SOUP MIX! [HICCUP]
WELL, WHAT DO YA KNOW? IT'S WILD BILL HICCUP,
THE BEST HUNTER IN THE WORLD.
IS IT MUCH FARTHER TO CANINA'S STUDIO?
JUST A KANGAROO SKIP AND A JUMP UP THIS RIVER.
♪ I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU ♪
♪ ABOUT THE BONES YOU PICK FOR ME ♪
♪ IF I'M TRULY MAN'S BEST FRIEND ♪
♪ THEN FEED ME FOOD THAT'S QUALITY ♪
♪ AND I SAY WOW TO THE CHOW ♪
♪ THAT'S IN BOWWOW CHOW ♪
♪ I SAY YAY, HIP HOORAY ♪
♪ WHEN IT'S IN MY TRAY ♪
♪ I SAY... ♪
HEY! HELP!
OH MY GOSH! CANINA IS ABOUT TO GET CANNED.
[CHIP AND DALE] GRAB HOLD, CANINA!
CHIP, DALE, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE.
THE SET ALMOST SAT ON ME.
YOU WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN YOU SAID THEY WERE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?
ONLY ONE MUTT COULD BE SO CRUEL.
[ZSA ZSA] CANINA! CANINA, DARLING.
IT WAS AWFUL. HORRIBLE, DARLING.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU GOULASH? YOU SHOULD SUE!
OH, I KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE LET A STAR LIKE YOU
DO SUCH A DANGEROUS SCENE.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME OUT THERE.
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
AHEM.
OH, EXCUSE ME. THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, THE RESCUE RANGERS.
THEY SAVED MY LIFE.
THANK YOU, DARLINGS. THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO MISS LaFUR.
[MAN] ZSA ZSA, ON THE SET! HERE, GIRL!
[WHISTLES]
WELL, TIME FOR ANOTHER TAKE.
BYE-BYE, DARLINGS.
WHO'S THAT SWEET POOCH?
COME INTO MY DRESSING TRAILER, AND I'LL TELL YOU.
SHE'S ZSA ZSA LABRADOR, MY STAND-IN.
SHE'S THE ONE TRYING TO KILL ME.
COME ON, NOW. SEEMS LIKE A SWEET ENOUGH POOCH TO ME.
THAT FALLING SET WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.
LISTEN HERE, AUSSIE-MOUSEY, THAT WAS NO ACCIDENT,
AND NEITHER WERE THE OTHER INCIDENTS.
WHAT ACCIDENT INCIDENTS?
STRANGE THINGS STARTED HAPPENING
ON THE FIRST DAY OF REHEARSALS.
EXCUSE ME, MISS LaFUR.
I'M YOUR NEW STAND-IN.
I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND TELL YOU I'VE ADMIRED YOU
SINCE I WAS THE RUNT OF MY LITTER.
WHY, THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN A FAN FOR YEARS AND YEARS.
HOW SWEET.
- AND YEARS AND YEARS... - OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND.
- AND YEARS... - OK, I GET THE POINT.
SOME DAY, I HOPE TO BE AS GOOD A ACTRESS AS YOU.
I'M GOING TO WORK LIKE A DOG
TO LEARN ALL YOUR BRILLIANT TECHNIQUES.
WELL, YOU CAN TRY,
BUT WHAT I HAVE ONLY COMES AROUND ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
I PUT ON MY BEST DIAMOND FLEA COLLAR
AND STARTED FOR THE SET,
WHERE I WAS DOING AN OCCASIONAL DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL.
LET ME OUT! I'M TRAPPED!
HELP!
IT WAS JUST LIKE A MOVIE I DID YEARS AGO
CALLED WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY GREAT DANE?
I PLAYED THIS DOG IN A WHEELCHAIR, BLANCHE HUSKY,
WHOSE EVIL SISTER KEPT HER TRAPPED UPSTAIRS.
OKAY, WE GET THE POINT. JUST TELL US HOW YOU GOT OUT OF YOUR DRESSING TRAILER.
WELL, MORTIMER, THE POINT OF THE STORY ISN'T HOW I GOT OUT, IT'S WHO LOCKED ME IN.
IT HAD TO BE ZSA ZSA. SHE WAS THE LAST ONE TO LEAVE.
GOOD THING YOU'RE AN ACTRESS.
'CAUSE YOU COULD NEVER SELL THAT FLIMSY STORY TO HOLLYWOOD.
I DON'T KNOW, MONTY. WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, CANINA?
WELL, A FEW DAYS LATER,
I WAS DOING ANOTHER OF THOSE OCCASIONAL DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL, WHEN...
OKAY, CANINA GIRL, I WANT YOU TO DANCE UP THE STAIRS,
THEN LEAP ATOP THE BOWWOW CHOW DOG FOOD CAN.
- GOT IT? - [ARF]
GOOD GIRL.
READY? AND ACTION!
WELL, I WAS DOING A MEAN FLAT-PAW CHAIN
WHEN SUDDENLY, SOMEONE SHORT-CIRCUITED MY ACT.
AIEEBA! AIEEE!
YEOW!
OW! OUCH!
[CRASH!]
CANINA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, GIRL?
OHH.
POOR, DARLING. WHAT HAS HAPPENED?
THIS IS TRAGIC, AWFUL, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE.
YOU SHOULD SUE.
BUT, IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL HAVE TO STAND IN FOR YOU, DARLING.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE RIGHT, ZSA ZSA.
WE'LL HAVE TO LET YOU FILL IN WHILE CANINA RECOVERS.
[GRRR]
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, CANINA, YOU JUST RELAX.
VET!
WELL, I FIND IT SUSPICIOUS
THAT MY STAND-IN WAS SO EAGER TO STAND IN.
YOU MUST HELP ME. SHE'S OUT TO GET RID OF ME. I KNOW IT.
NO, I'M OUT TO GET YOU
FOR DRAGGING ME HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD FOR NO GOOD REASON.
IT WAS PROBABLY JUST BAD WIRING ON THE SET.
[GADGET] NOW WAIT, MONTEREY,
IF ZSA ZSA IS UP TO SOMETHING, WE'D BETTER FIND OUT.
[ALL SCREAMING]
SO LONG, DEARIE.
IT'S ZSA ZSA AGAIN.
[ALL] WHOA!
HEY! COME BACK WITH THAT DRESSING TRAILER!
CANINA LaFUR'S BEING DOGNAPPED!
I'VE NEVER DONE A CHASE SCENE.
QUICK, WHERE'S MY STAND-IN?
WAIT. IT'S MY STAND-IN WHO DID ME IN.
I'LL HAVE US LOOSE IN TWO SHAKES OF A SHEEPSHANK.
UP, MATEYS! UP!
- LET ME... - WHOA!
- [ALL SCREAM]
OH, NO! CANINA, SHE'S MADE THE BIG FADE-OUT.
[ARF ARF]
CANINA, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
I THOUGHT WE'D LOST YOU.
YOU HAVE, DARLING, FOR GOOD.
WELL, MONTAGUE, NOW DO YOU BELIEVE SHE'S AFTER ME?
MONTEREY! MONTEREY!
WE'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE STUDIO.
WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT CONNIVING CUR IS UP TO.
[GUNSHOT]
[CAT HISSES]
HERE, KITTY-KITTY.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S CAT-HUNTING SEASON.
I'M STARTING TO LIKE THIS COUNTRY.
WHAT SAY JOIN THE HUNT?
AFTER WE SAVE MY CAREER.
[PANTING]
OH DEAR, MY DOGS ARE KILLING ME.
ALL MY YEARS AS A HOOFER NEVER PREPARED ME FOR SUCH A LONG WALK.
LOOK AT THIS. EVERYONE'S GONE.
OH NO, THE CREW MUST HAVE FINISHED THE COMMERCIAL AND LEFT.
LET'S GET TO THE AIRPORT! MAYBE THEY'RE STILL THERE!
OH, NO, THAT'S IT. THE PRIVATE STUDIO AIRPLANE.
THEY ARE LEAVING WITHOUT ME.
[IN CANINA'S VOICE] I, CANINA LaFUR, THANK THE ACADEMY.
AND ALL THE LITTLE POOCHES
WHO HELPED ME WIN THIS LASSIE AWARD
FOR BEST DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR.
[NORMAL VOICE] YES, THAT'S WHAT I'LL SAY WHEN I GET WHAT SHOULD BE MINE.
HOLD IT, MUTT! NOBODY'S ACCEPTING MY AWARD BUT ME.
[IN CANINA'S VOICE] I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M CANINA LaFUR.
I GOT TO THE TOP BY STEPPING ON
BIGGER LITTLE MUTTS THAN YOU.
[DOGS GROWLING]
[DOGS FIGHTING]
LADIES, PLEASE. BREAK IT UP.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU WON'T BREAK IT UP, AT LEAST LET ME JOIN THE FUN.
[BOTH SCREAM]
OUT OF MY WAY, RAT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
TO CATCH THE NEXT PLANE.
THIS IS TAXIDERMIA, LOVE.
THAT WAS THE NEXT PLANE.
[GUNSHOT]
CRIKEY! WHAT WAS THAT?
AN AGGRESSIVE AUTOGRAPH HOUND?
RUN!
HOT DIGGITY!
THERE'S A PRETTY LITTLE POOCH NOW.
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
FANS ARE FANATIC THESE DAYS.
HE'S NO FAN, MISSY.
LOOK THERE. IT'S DOG HUNTING SEASON.
AW, POOR POOCHIES.
LUCKY FOR ME I'M A STAR.
[GUNSHOT]
TELL THAT TO BURPING BULLETS BILL.
COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
IF I RECALL, MOUSE HUNTING SEASON'S NEXT.
YEE-HAW!
A CHASE!
[HICCUP]
QUICK, IN HERE.
THIS RICKETY OLD THING? SURELY YOU JEST.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE ME TO BOOK YOU ON A LUXURY LINER.
OH, WOULD YOU, DEAR?
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
CAST OFF.
MICKEY, DOES THIS RIVER LEAD OUT OF TAXIDERMIA?
YES, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, MY NAME IS MONTEREY JACK.
MY FRIENDS CALL ME MONTY.
YOU CAN CALL ME...
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE,
JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS WRETCHED PLACE.
IT'S CANINA LaFUR!
TELL US, MISS LaFUR,
ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT TONIGHT'S LASSIE AWARD
FOR BEST DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL?
[WOOF WOOF]
SHE'S VERY EXCITED.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE HER.
CANINA MUST GET HOME AND GET GROOMED FOR THE CEREMONY.
OH, RODENTS!
WHAT A DIRTY, ROTTEN TRICK THAT ZSA ZSA PULLED,
LOCKING US IN HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO STOP HER FROM GETTING CANINA'S AWARD.
HURRY, BEFORE SHE GETS AWAY.
PISTACHIO!
WHY ARE YOU SLOWING DOWN?
WELL, NOW THAT WE LOST WILD BILL.
IT'S TIME FOR A CHEESE BREAK.
I'LL BREAK YOUR CHUBBY NECK IF YOU DON'T GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, GIRLIE.
WE'LL HIDE OUT TILL DOG HUNTING SEASON'S OVER.
WHAT? BUT THE LASSIE AWARDS ARE TONIGHT.
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE...
A LOUSY AWARD,
OR YOUR HEAD MOUNTED ON WILD BILL'S DRAWING ROOM WALL?
MY LOUSY AWARD!
WHOA!
I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THESE OCCASIONAL DOG FOOD COMMERCIALS
TIME AND TIME AGAIN FOR NOTHING.
I'M GOING FOR THE GOLD.
OH, DEAR, WHICH WAY TO GO?
WHERE'S MY AGENT TO HELP WITH DECISIONS AT TIMES LIKE THIS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY DID YOU TURN RIGHT?
I ALWAYS EXIT STAGE RIGHT.
IT SHOWS MY BEST SIDE.
BUT WE'RE GOING DOWN THE WRONG RIVER.
WHAT? YOU MEAN THIS WON'T TAKE ME HOME?
IT'LL GET YOU HOME, ALL RIGHT... IN 26 PIECES.
THIS IS THE AMAZING RIVER.
NO ONE'S EVER SURVIVED IT.
UH-OH. YOUR FAN CLUB FOUND US AGAIN.
YEE-HAW! I'M GOING TO PISTOL POP A POOCH,
OR MY NAME ISN'T WILD BILL... [HICCUP]
THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO TURN BACK. MY CAREER IS AT STAKE.
WHERE'D THE HAPPY HUNTER GO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING BUT THE RIVER.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S THE RIVER?
I REMEMBER THAT SOUND FROM A MOVIE I ONCE DID.
IT WAS ONE FELL OVER THE CUCKOO'S...
[BOTH SCREAM]
CRIKEY! HUMPTY DUMPTY NEVER TOOK SUCH A FALL.
ARE YOU OK?
OH, I'M... I'M FINE.
I'VE NEVER DONE MY OWN STUNTS BEFORE.
IN FACT, I THINK THE STUNT MUTTS OF AMERICA ARE VASTLY OVERPAID.
WELL, I'M IN BETTER SHAPE THAN THIS BOAT IS, THOUGH.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIX IT.
CAN'T. SHE'S A GONER.
THEN WOULD YOU MIND HAILING ME A CAB?
THIS ISN'T TINSELTOWN, MISSY.
I GUESS I WON'T GET BACK IN TIME
FOR MY LASSIE AWARD.
GUESS NOT.
I'LL NEVER KNOW THE THRILL
OF RECEIVING THE HIGHEST AWARD GIVEN TO MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
I'D LIKE TO HELP, REALLY, BUT I CAN'T.
I ONLY HOPE MY FANS AREN'T AS DISAPPOINTED AS I AM.
[CRYING]
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
FINE. I'LL BE OVER HERE PRIMPING. CALL ME WHEN IT'S READY.
YAH!
WELL, I'M NO GADGET, BUT THIS IS THE BEST I CAN DO.
WE CAN LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU'RE FINISHED PRIMPING.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I CAN PRIMP WHILE YOU DRIVE.
NOT THIS TIME. THE MOTOR'S SHOT.
WE'LL HAVE TO PADDLE OUR WAY BACK HOME.
ME? ROW A BOAT?
MY DEAR SIR, YOU FORGET THAT I AM A STAR!
HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FOR MY ART?
HOW MUCH FURTHER TO THE BOARDER, MARTIN?
SHOULD BE RIGHT AROUND THE NEXT BEND.
HALLELUJAH, HOLLYWOOD!
I BETTER PRACTICE MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, MANDANGO?
DON'T ASK ME.
- [GUNSHOTS] - FASTER, MARTIN, FASTER.
THERE'S THE BORDER CROSSING.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN OUTRUN HIM.
WAIT. I DO HAVE A IDEA.
SOMETHING I DID ONCE IN THE MOVIE THOROUGHLY MODERN COLLIE.
HASN'T YOUR CAREER GOTTEN US IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY?
OH, PIPE DOWN, AND GET MY OSCAR READY.
[GUNSHOT]
AH! HE GOT ME!
OHH! AHH!
OH, AH, OH, THE PAIN!
THE SUFFERING!
THE BAD ACTING.
EVERYONE'S A CRITIC.
WELL, SLAP MY CHAPS!
GOT ME A PUNY ONE.
AAH!
YOU SAVED US, CANINA.
MOVE IT, MAXWELL.
FOR A SHOW BIZ MUTT, YOU'RE A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.
WHY, THANK YOU.
IN FACT, SEEING WHAT YOU JUST DID REMINDED ME.
I SAW THAT MOVIE OF YOU WERE IN.
YOU WERE GOOD.
DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE MY FAN?
OH, I SUPPOSE IT MEANS I'VE BEEN A FAN OF YOURS FOR YEARS AND YEARS...
HOW KIND.
- AND YEARS AND YEARS... - YES, HOW SWEET.
- AND YEARS. - WHY DON'T WE STOP WHILE WE STILL LIKE EACH OTHER.
TOO RIGHT! LET'S GO GET YOUR LASSIE AWARD, LUV.
WOWSERS! CANINA'S GOT QUITE A PLACE.
I WOULDN'T MIND BEING SENT TO THE DOG HOUSE IF IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.
- [BOTH] - [CHIP] WE CAN GET IN THERE.
WHAT ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS COLLARS!
HOW WILL I DECIDE?
MAYBE THIS ONE FROM POOCHIE GUCCI.
THERE'S ZSA ZSA'S WIG!
IF WE TAKE IT, ZSA ZSA WON'T BE ABLE TO LOOK LIKE CANINA.
OR THIS ONE FROM BARKER AND BARKER OF BEVERLY HILLS.
HEY, COME BACK HAIR... UH, HERE!
[CHIP] RUN, GADGET, RUN!
STOP! HOW DARE YOU STEAL WHAT I STOLE FIRST!
YOU MISERABLE RODENTS!
[MAN] WELCOME, LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND MAN'S BEST FRIENDS,
TO THE SEVENTH ANNUAL LASSIE AWARDS.
FOR BEST PERFORMANCE BY A DOG ON STAGE, SCREEN, OR OCCASIONAL DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL,
THE WINNER IS...
CANINA LaFUR!
WE'RE TOO LATE. IF ONLY WE COULD'VE GOTTEN OUT OF THAT BOX, SOONER!
[IN CANINA'S VOICE] OH, THANK YOU.
FIRST I STOLE YOUR HEARTS.
NOW THIS.
[BARKING]
HOLD IT, HOUND DOG!
[ALL GASP] TWO CANINAS!
THAT'S MY LASSIE, YOU BACK-STABBING BARKER!
[NORMAL VOICE] I THOUGHT YOU'D BE MOUNTED ON A MANTEL BY NOW.
- NO, IT'S MINE! - GIVE IT TO ME!
YOU COULDN'T ACT YOUR WAY OUT OF THE DOG POUND!
I HAVEN'T BEEN TREATED SO BADLY
SINCE I WAS BATTERED BY THAT GORGEOUS BEVERLY HILLS DOGCATCHER.
[ALL GASP]
[YELP YELP YELP]
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FANS
WHO FOLLOWED ME FOR YEARS AND YEARS
AND YEARS AND...
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT AM I SAYING?
[BARKING]
I TOLD THESE DOGS TO KEEP THEIR ACCEPTANCE BARKS
DOWN TO 30 SECONDS.
BUT I'D ESPECIALLY LIKE TO THANK
SOMEONE VERY DEAR TO ME.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM,
I WOULDN'T BE HERE NOW.
MY WONDERFUL LITTLE MOUSE FRIEND,
MONTGOMERY JACK!
-[APPLAUSE] - THAT'S MONTEREY! MONTEREY!
OOH! CAN'T SHE EVER LEARN HER LINES?