PREVIOUSLY ON...
MY BACK. I THREW IT OUT.
(grunts) JEEZ, ARE YOU CRYING?
JUST A LITTLE. EDIE GOT AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR.
REMEMBER MY LITTLE BOY? (Carlos) I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR SON WAS COMING FOR A VISIT.
HIS FATHER JUST DUMPED HIM HERE FOR FOUR WEEKS.
GABY BECAME THE OBJECT OF VICTOR'S DESIRE.
HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED? I'M A CATCH.
I HAVE NOTICED, AND I'M THROWING YOU BACK.
AND AS MIKE STRUGGLED TO RECALL HIS PAST,
IAN'S JEALOUSY SPURRED HIM TO ACTION.
WILL YOU BE MY WIFE? YES!
(cheering)
GOD, I'M SO NERVOUS.
DON'T BE. THEY'RE GOING TO ADORE YOU AS MUCH AS I DO.
OH, THANKS. I NEEDED TO HEAR TO THAT.
AH! DARLING... THORNS.
OH! UH, I'M SO SORRY.
(chuckles)
(Mary Alice) IF THERE WAS ONE THING
IAN HAINSWORTH WAS SURE OF,
IT WAS THAT HIS LOVE FOR SUSAN MAYER
WAS INDESTRUCTIBLE.
HE KNEW THIS BECAUSE IT HAD BEEN TESTED AGAIN...
(giggles) UHH!
(thud)
AND AGAIN...
AND AGAIN.
(cork pops) AAH!
(gasps)
STILL, IAN HAD FOUND A WAY
TO FORGIVE SUSAN HER... OCCASIONAL LACK OF GRACE.
OH! HERE THEY COME.
THE QUESTION NOW ON HIS MIND WAS,
WOULD HIS PARENTS BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME?
FATHER. MY DEAR BOY.
THIS IS MY FIANCéE SUSAN.
THESE ARE MY PARENTS, GRAHAM AND DAHLIA.
DELIGHTED. YOU WEREN'T EXAGGERATING. SHE'S A VISION, IAN.
OH, IT'S SO GREAT TO FINALLY MEET BOTH OF YOU.
OH, THIS IS FOR YOU. OH.
BE CAREFUL, MOTHER! THORNS.
IAN, I KNOW HOW TO HOLD A ROSE.
YES, OF COUR--OF COURSE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT SUSAN TO...
YOU'RE RIGHT. SORRY. ANYONE HUNGRY?
YES.
SO ONE PUTS THE MEAT ATOP THE BURNING COALS?
OH, HOW WONDERFULLY PRIMAL.
YES, I'LL FEEL LIKE SOME GLORIOUSLY ROUGH-HEWN COWGIRL
ENJOYING HER... UH, WHAT'S THE WORD? "VITTLES"?
NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
NO, IT IS. IT'S VITTLES. YES.
SO, UM, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
I'D ADORE JUST A THIMBLE OF GIN.
OH!
OH, NO, YOU STAY, DARLING. I-I-I CAN MANAGE.
WELL, IT SEEMS TO BE GOING RATHER WELL...
TOUCH WOOD.
WERE YOU WORRIED?
OH, YOU KNOW, INTRODUCING ONE'S FIANCéE TO ONE'S PARENTS
IS ALWAYS A BIT FRAUGHT. OH, WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.
THE FIRST TIME I MET DAHLIA'S PARENTS WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER.
WE WERE AT TEA... (Dahlia screaming)
AND THERE WAS THIS PLATE OF SMALL CAKES.
AND I--AS I OFFERED ONE TO HER MOTHER,
I TIPPED THE PLATE, AND PLOP! (screaming continues)
A SCONE FELL RIGHT INTO HER LADYSHIP'S TEACUP. OUCH! HA!
EARL GREY EVERYWHERE!
ON THE CLOTH, HER MOTHER'S SKIRT...
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MORTIFIED. OH, I WAS.
IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE DEBACLE. (both laughing)
(Susan) UM, GUYS? UH...
DON'T WORRY. SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
YES, IAN HAINSWORTH KNEW HIS LOVE FOR SUSAN
WAS INDESTRUCTIBLE.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIS MOTHER,
CHIFFON WAS NOT.
***
IN EVERY HOUSEWIFE'S CLOSET,
THERE'S A TREASURED ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
THAT SHE REFUSES TO PART WITH.
IT MIGHT BE AN OLD CHEERLEADER UNIFORM
THAT SYMBOLIZES HER YOUTH...
OR THE LAST BIKINI SHE WORE
BEFORE SHE HAD CHILDREN...
OR A PAIR OF EXPENSIVE PANTS
SHE PRAYS WILL COME BACK IN STYLE.
BUT FOR GABRIELLE SOLIS,
EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING WAS A TREASURE--
CAREFULLY SELECTED,
BEAUTIFULLY MAINTAINED
AND UTTERLY...
IRREPLACEABLE.
(Gabrielle) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT ANOTHER BUSTIER.
I KNOW. I SHOULD NEVER SHOP FOR LINGERIE WHEN I'M HORNY.
IT'S LIKE BUYING GROCERIES WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY.
IN A SLUMP, HUH? HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?
ABOUT THREE WEEKS, AND I AM DYING.
YOU KNOW, I'M THIS CLOSE TO SEDUCING MY GARDENER.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
MMM, THAT SCRUMPTIOUS TEENAGER OF YOURS.
HEY, DO YOU THINK-- HE'S MARRIED.
MM, DAMN.
HOW ABOUT THAT VICTOR LANG? HAVE YOU TWO...
NO. GOD, NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK I'M DUMPING HIM AFTER DINNER TONIGHT.
WHY? HE'S RICH. HE'S GORGEOUS. HE'S PROBABLY GONNA BE MAYOR.
I MEAN, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
I DON'T KNOW. HE'S JUST TOO... ARROGANT.
HE ACTS LIKE I'M SOME TROPHY HE'S ALREADY WON.
IT'S INFURIATING.
(sarcastically) YEAH, THAT'S AWFUL. CAN I DO HIM?
OH, STOP IT. YOU CANNOT BE THAT HARD UP.
DID I MENTION MY GARDENER'S 62?
(water trickling)
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
OOH.
OH, MY GOD!
(Gabrielle) NO!
(Tom) HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HONEY, WHERE'S YOUR UNIFORM?
OH, CRAP. I LEFT IT AT HOME AGAIN.
YEAH, UM, I FIGURED YOU WOULD... AGAIN.
THAT'S WHY...
I PULLED AN EXTRA ONE FROM THE BACK.
OH. THANKS.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE RIGHT-- YEP, YOUR SIZE.
LISTEN... I WAS THINKING,
WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER IF THE STAFF WORE A UNIFORM,
AND YOU AND I WORE REGULAR CLOTHES?
THAT'S WAY IT'S LIKE,
"HI. WELCOME TO SCAVO'S. WE'RE THE SCAVOS."
YEAH, BUT I LIKE WEARING THE UNIFORM,
AND WHEN YOU DON'T,
IT LOOKS LIKE WE ALL WORK FOR YOU.
OH, GOOD POINT.
OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD POINT--I HATE ORANGE.
SINCE WHEN?
SINCE ALWAYS. YOU KNOW MY CLOSET.
SURELY YOU'VE NOTICED I DON'T OWN ANYTHING ORANGE.
NO, I HADN'T REALLY-- ORANGE SAYS, "BEWARE. SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA HAPPEN."
THAT'S WHY THEY USE IT FOR LIFE VESTS
AND TRAFFIC CONES AND CONVICTS.
LYNETTE-- ALSO, IT WASHES ME OUT COMPLETELY.
YOU'RE WEARING THE UNIFORM.
ARE YOU SPEAKING AS MY HUSBAND OR AS MY BOSS?
DEFINITELY YOUR BOSS.
YOUR HUSBAND-- TOO DAMN SCARED OF YOU.
AS WELL HE SHOULD BE.
AS EDIE WALKED HOME,
ALL SHE COULD THINK OF WAS HER NONEXISTENT LOVE LIFE...
(Travers) PASS IT TO ME, CARLOS!
AND HOW MUCH SHE WANTED BACK IN THE GAME.
(laughs)
IT WAS JUST THEN
SHE SAW SOMEONE
SHE MIGHT LIKE TO PLAY WITH.
HI!
HEY. DID YOU SEE THAT, EDIE? KID'S LOOKING GOOD, HUH?
MMM, LOOKING REAL GOOD.
CAN WE PLAY ANOTHER GAME? NO, IT'S LUNCHTIME. YOU GO WASH UP.
BYE, CARLOS. BYE.
OH, YOU HAVE BEEN SO GREAT WITH TRAVERS.
LET ME TAKE YOU OUT FOR STEAK TONIGHT.
(laughs) YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME BACK.
I'M HAVING MORE FUN THAN HE IS.
WELL, THEN...
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO ARRANGE FOR ANOTHER PLAYDATE.
ANYTIME.
(Ian) LOOK WHO'S BACK.
(chuckles) YES. LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN, SHALL WE?
DAHLIA, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE--
PLEASE, NOT ANOTHER WORD.
CHIFFON AT A BARBECUE? I WAS ASKING TO BE IMMOLATED.
A DRINK WITH DINNER, MOTHER?
OH, GOD, YES. OH, NOT THAT CHAIR. THAT'S THE WOBBLER.
I'M SAVING UP FOR A NEW SET. HERE, SIT HERE.
IAN TELLS US YOU HAVE A YOUNG DAUGHTER.
WON'T SHE BE JOINING US?
JULIE? UH, NO, SHE'S AT HER FATHER'S THIS WEEKEND.
OH.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
OH, IT'S JUST THAT IAN TOLD US
THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAD BEEN GONE FOR YEARS.
WE ASSUMED YOU WERE A WIDOW.
OH! (laughs)
NO, KARL'S ALIVE AND KICKING... SADLY.
SO YOU'RE A... DIVORCéE?
WHAT HAPPENED? DID HE BEAT YOU?
UH, NO. OF--OF COURSE NOT.
SHE HAD AMPLE GROUNDS, MOTHER. KARL WAS A SHAMELESS WOMANIZER.
SO IT WAS JUST ADULTERY.
JUST ADULTERY?
TO MY WAY OF THINKING, MEN ARE, BY NATURE, WEAK.
I THINK GRAHAM WILL BACK ME UP ON THAT.
REALLY, DAHLIA.
IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO LAST...
WHEN YOUR HUSBAND STRAYS,
YOU EXTRACT SOME SUITABLE PENANCE...
AND GET ON WITH IT. (laughs)
PUNISH THE SIN, BUT LOVE THE SINNER.
YEAH, WELL, WITH KARL, I WAS MORE,
"DIVORCE THE ASS AND SEIZE THE ASSETS."
(Susan and Ian laugh)
SO YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. BETRAYAL MAKES ME VENGEFUL.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
(laughing)
YES, IT CERTAINLY IS.
APPARENTLY, THE WATER HEATER IN THE ATTIC HAD BURST.
EVERYTHING IS RUINED-- MY CLOTHES, MY SHOES, DRESSES.
WHY ARE YOU SMILING?
WELL, WE HAVE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES.
YOU SEE RUINED CLOTHES,
AND I SEE A WOMAN WHO COULD SUDDENLY USE A RICH BOYFRIEND.
YOU WILL NEVER BE MY BOYFRIEND.
GABY, HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GONNA PRETEND
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY ABOUT ME? NOT MUCH LONGER. THIS IS OUR LAST DATE.
HMM, DIDN'T YOU SAY IT WAS OUR LAST DATE ON OUR LAST DATE?
I MEAN IT THIS TIME. YEAH? WELL, DO ME A FAVOR-- MEAN IT NEXT TIME.
I'M GETTING AN AWARD TOMORROW AT THE ROTARY CLUB.
(singsong voice) BOR-ING. COME ON, I WANT MY DATE
TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE ROOM.
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO FLATTER ME? ONLY IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE WOMEN OF THE ROTARY CLUB.
OH, SHUT UP AND GET ME A SWEATER.
HAVE YOU EVEN NOTICED HOW COLD I AM?
NOTICED?
IT'S MADE MY WHOLE EVENING.
SWEATER--NOW.
HOW ABOUT A NICE, UH, CASHMERE CARDIGAN?
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
LOOK AT THIS!
THERE'S LACROIX AND UNGARO AND VINTAGE GAULTIER.
YEAH, I DON'T REALLY KNOW MUCH ABOUT FASHION.
SHH! (whispers) THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
OH, MY GOD! THERE'S ANOTHER RACK BACK HERE!
THIS ALL YOUR EX-WIFE'S STUFF?
YEAH. SHE'S STORING IT HERE UNTIL HER NEW HOUSE IS READY.
(squeals) OH, MY GOD! SHE WEARS MY SIZE!
IT'S AMAZING. NOBODY WEARS MY SIZE.
WELL, I GUESS I HAVE A TYPE. AND NORMALLY THAT WOULD CREEP ME OUT,
EXCEPT IT MEANS THAT I CAN BORROW
THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND UNDARI FOR OUR DATE!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HEEL, GIRL.
THIS BELONGS TO MY EX.
SO? SO I DON'T THINK SHE'D APPRECIATE
ME LOANING HER CLOTHES TO MY GIRLFRIEND.
(scoffs) OKAY, "A," I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
AND "B," SHE'S NOT GONNA FIND OUT UNLESS YOU TELL HER.
COME ON!
(sighs) A DRESS THIS GORGEOUS IS MEANT TO BE SEEN.
EVERY DAY IT HANGS IN THE CLOSET,
AN ANGEL LOSES ITS WINGS.
WELL, THAT'S VERY CUTE, BUT, UH, THE ANSWER'S STILL NO.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
(sighs)
OH.
GABY.
I JUST WANTED A MOMENT TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
SO IN THE NEXT SCENE, THE GUY WAKES UP,
AND THE GIRL--JULIA ROBERTS, SANDRA BULLOCK, ONE OF THOSE--
IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A TRAY OF PANCAKES.
WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
I KEEP TELLING YOU, I DON'T REMEMBER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? IT'S JUST SOME STUPID MOVIE I SAW.
YET EVERY TIME YOU REMEMBER IT, YOU FEEL SAD OR UPSET.
I THINK SOMETHING HAPPENED AT THAT MOVIE
OR JUST AFTERWARDS.
WHO DID YOU SEE IT WITH?
WELL, IT'S OBVIOUSLY SOME CHICK FLICK...
SO PROBABLY SUSAN. WELL, WHY NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT?
MAYBE SHE CAN TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
NO. NO, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER HER.
SHE JUST GOT ENGAGED.
MIKE, THIS THERAPY ISN'T JUST ABOUT RECOVERING YOUR MEMORIES.
IT'S ABOUT YOU GETTING CLOSURE.
NOW THE EMOTIONS YOU'RE FEELING WON'T BE RESOLVED
UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT.
(sighs) I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON. TALK TO SUSAN.
WHAT COULD IT HURT?
THAT'S AWESOME. I LOVE MODEL AIRPLANES.
SO YOU'LL HELP ME PUT IT TOGETHER? SURE. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AFTER SCHOOL.
CAN YOU COME AT 7:00 INSTEAD? WHY SO LATE?
MOM SAYS I CAN'T PLAY TILL I FINISH MY HOMEWORK. BYE.
HE'S COMING. SO CAN I STAY UP AND WATCH MY SHOW NOW?
YOU CAN STAY UP AS LATE AS YOU WANT, CHAMP.
TOMORROW...
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AN EARLY NIGHT.
(sighs) YOUR FATHER'S BEEN UP THERE 20 MINUTES.
ARE YOU SURE HE'S OKAY?
HE'S FINE. HE ALWAYS LIES DOWN AFTER DINNER.
HE SAYS IT HELPS HIS DIGESTION. (sighs)
RELAX. IT'S GOING VERY WELL. I SET YOUR MOTHER ON FIRE.
AND YOU'VE BEEN RELENTLESSLY CHARMING EVER SINCE.
TRUST ME, WHEN SHE LOOKS BACK AT TONIGHT,
SHE WON'T EVEN REMEMBER THE FIRE.
(Dahlia) AAH! (thud)
BUT SHE MAY REMEMBER THIS.
OH, MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YES, I'M PERFECTLY FINE.
AT LEAST THIS BLOUSE MADE IT THROUGH DINNER.
LET ME GET YOU A TOWEL.
AHEM.
OH. HELLO!
OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
DAHLIA HAS A BIRTHDAY COMING UP, AND I SAW THIS HANGING THERE,
AND I THOUGHT, "A ROBE! WELL, THERE'S A NOTION."
SO I JUST TRIED IT ON...
TO GET A SENSE OF THE DRAPE.
WERE YOU ALSO THINKING OF GETTING HER A LACE BRA?
HMM? OH, DEAR GOD!
PLEASE DON'T MENTION THIS TO ANY OF MY FAMILY.
JUST TAKE THE ROBE OFF.
AND WHATEVER YOU HAVE ON UNDERNEATH...
(whispers) CONSIDER THAT YOURS.
BE REASONABLE, DEAR. I'M ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.
FROM SUSAN? WELL, SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY MONEY.
SHE'S NEVER ASKED ME FOR A CENT. YOUR LOGIC IS AS WOBBLY
AS THE DINING ROOM CHAIRS SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO REPLACE.
I LOVE SUSAN, AND I WON'T ASK HER TO DO THIS.
OH, HELLO. MOTHER'S FINE. I-I FOUND HER A SWEATER.
OH. (chuckles)
SO, UH, WHAT WON'T YOU ASK ME?
NOTHING.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D OBJECT TO SIGNING A DOCUMENT
THAT SAYS SHOULD YOU AND IAN PART WAYS,
YOU'LL ACCEPT A CASH SETTLEMENT
AND NOT GO AFTER THE MONEY HE INHERITS FROM US.
YOU MEAN A PRENUP?
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
OUR COUNTRY ESTATE HAS BEEN IN OUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.
WE WANT IT PRESERVED
FOR THE CHILDREN WE HOPE IAN WILL HAVE,
NOT LOST IN SOME PRICEY DIVORCE.
WELL, WHO'S GETTING DIVORCED? I'M IN THIS FOR KEEPS.
I'M SURE YOU SAID THE SAME TO YOUR FIRST HUSBAND
BEFORE YOU BOLTED WITH ALL YOU COULD CARRY.
OKAY, HEY--
MOTHER, SUSAN IS NOT SIGNING ANYTHING.
FINE.
THEN WE'LL LEAVE IT ALL TO YOUR BROTHER.
OH, DO YOU THINK NIGEL'S GOING TO GIVE YOU A GRANDSON?
HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC HOMOSEXUAL.
WITH A CASTLE AT STAKE, HE CAN LEARN A NEW SKILL.
OKAY, STOP THIS.
WE INVITED YOU HERE TO CELEBRATE OUR ENGAGEMENT.
NOW I'M DIVORCED, AND IAN'S DISINHERITED?
HELLO.
HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING?
WE'LL BE GOING SOON. PLEASE, DON'T BE OFFENDED.
ALL OF US GO INTO MARRIAGE
CONVINCED THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT.
GOD KNOWS I DID. HMM?
AND THEN ONE DAY, I FOUND A BILL FOR SOME EXPENSIVE LINGERIE--
BUSTIERS, PEIGNOIRS--
NONE OF IT IN MY SIZE. CERTAINLY OPENED MY EYES.
BUT I-I'M NOT LIKE MY FATHER.
TRUST HIM, HE'S NOT.
I'M SORRY, IAN.
(sighs)
HEY, GUYS.
(Andrew) UH, HEY, MRS. SCAVO.
I'M--I'M SORRY. WE WERE JUST TAKING A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL--WE'LL GET BACK TO WORK.
NO. NO, DON'T BE SILLY.
WHO AM I--TOM?
I'M ONE OF YOU GUYS. SIT DOWN.
HEY...
YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD USE?
A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BITCH SESSION,
GET SOME STUFF OFF OUR CHESTS.
SO WHAT'S BUGGING YOU GUYS? OKAY, I'LL GO FIRST.
HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT THESE UNIFORMS?
A LITTLE... "EH"?
UH, THEY'RE OKAY.
BUT, HEY, WHY--WHY DO WE HAVE TO POOL OUR TIPS?
WHY CAN'T WE JUST KEEP WHAT WE EARN?
UH-HUH, UH-HUH, GOOD POINT, GOOD POINT.
BUT RIGHT NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THESE UGLY-ASS UNIFORMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME? NO HEALTH BENEFITS.
I'M KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT THIS MOLE THAT I FOUND-- FOCUS, PEOPLE!
THE SUBJECT IS SHIRTS. IT'S KILLING MORALE.
WELL, I KINDA LIKE 'EM.
REALLY, KIM?
'CAUSE... I HEARD ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMERS SAY
THAT WHEN HALLOWEEN COMES AROUND,
WE SHOULD STICK A CANDLE IN YOUR MOUTH.
SEE? MORALE.
YOU GUYS NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES.
IT'S YOUR RIGHT-- NO, IT'S YOUR OBLIGATION
TO GO TO MANAGEMENT AND DEMAND NEW SHIRTS.
AND IF MANAGEMENT DOESN'T LIKE IT,
YOU TELL HIM HE CAN GO SCREW!
OKAY, OKAY. BREAK'S OVER, PEOPLE.
I'M GONNA GO FIND TOM AND TALK.
OH!
GOOD. (laughs nervously)
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRIED TO UNDERMINE ME LIKE THIS.
WELL, YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE.
IT'S JUST A UNIFORM. WHY CAN'T YOU WEAR IT?
BECAUSE I NEED TO WIN ONE, TOM.
WHAT?
YOU KEEP ORDERING ME AROUND AND DISAGREEING WITH ME
AND OVERRULING ME, AND I'M SICK OF IT.
WE HAVE TO DO THINGS MY WAY AT LEAST EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
THIS WAS THE DEAL, LYNETTE.
YOU AGREED. I'M IN CHARGE HERE. YOU'RE IN CHARGE AT HOME.
EXCEPT WE'RE NEVER HOME. WE LIVE HERE.
OUR MARRIAGE HAPPENS HERE.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS NOW.
WE OPEN IN TEN MINUTES. MAYBE LATER WE CAN-- LATER I'LL BE ASLEEP,
AND THEN I WILL BE BACK HERE BEFORE YOU WAKE UP.
WE GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS NOW.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT...
WE'RE GONNA DEAL WITH THIS NOW.
I'M GONNA GET READY FOR THE DINNER RUSH,
AND YOU'RE GONNA WEAR THE DAMN UNIFORM.
NO.
WHAT?
I'M GOING HOME.
YOU'RE WALKING OUT ON ME?
I TOLD YOU ORANGE MEANT SOMETHING BAD WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
HI. REMEMBER ME? I HAD DINNER HERE THE OTHER NIGHT.
ANYWAY, I WAS DRIVING THROUGH YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
AFTER HAVING, LIKE, THREE ICED TEAS,
AND I REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. DO YOU MIND?
(gasps)
YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
I FEEL 10 POUNDS LIGHTER. THANK YOU.
HEY, YOU GOT A MINUTE?
I, UH, I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING.
UM... I SHOULD PROBABLY GET THESE INSIDE.
PLEASE, I... I NEED TO ASK YOU ABOUT A MOVIE.
AND SO THE LAST PART I REMEMBER,
THE GIRL IS PUTTING THESE RAW PANCAKES IN FRONT OF HIM,
AND THEN SOMETHING ELSE FUNNY HAPPENED.
I DON'T REMEMBER. IT WAS JUST A STUPID CHICK FLICK.
(laughs) MIKE, IT WASN'T A MOVIE. THAT WAS US.
WHAT?
YEAH. UM...
THAT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER.
I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.
WITH RAW PANCAKES? WELL, THEY WEREN'T ALL RAW.
I WAS TRYING TO SPELL "MIKE," AND THE "M" WAS GOOPY,
BUT THE "IKE" WAS DELICIOUS. YOU LOVED IT.
I DID, HUH? ACTUALLY, NO, IT WAS GROSS.
BUT YOU WERE REALLY SWEET.
YOU JUST GAVE ME A LOT OF KISSES AND SAID NOT TO WORRY,
I'D GET A LOT OF CHANCES TO MAKE YOU PANCAKES 'CAUSE... 'CAUSE I WAS PLANNING
ON SPENDING THE REST OF... MY MORNINGS WITH YOU.
YOU REMEMBER.
YEAH.
I SHOULD GO 'CAUSE, UM, IAN'S PARENTS ARE HERE.
(Victor) IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU BOTH FOR COMING.
YOU KNOW, I-I KNOW I'VE SAID IT TEN TIMES,
BUT YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
AND MY OFFER STILL STANDS. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PAY FOR MY DRESS.
COME ON. YOU ONLY NEEDED IT FOR MY LUNCHEON,
AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT COST A BUNDLE.
TRUST ME, IT WAS A STEAL. I'M GONNA GO POWDER MY NOSE,
AND THEN YOU CAN START SHOWING ME OFF.
HEADS-UP-- I JUST SAW YOUR EX-WIFE.
UGH, WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? SOME FRIEND OF HERS IS GETTING A PLAQUE, TOO.
YOU WANT TO DUCK OUT AFTER YOUR SPEECH?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T WAIT TILL SHE GETS A GOOD, LONG LOOK AT GABY.
HEY.
HELLO.
I LOVE YOUR DRESS.
THANKS.
IT'S ONE-OF-A-KIND, ISN'T IT?
YEAH, COUTURE.
MM. UNDARI?
WOW, GOOD EYE.
WELL, I DO HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
I BOUGHT IT.
SO YOU'RE, UH...
UH-HUH.
WELL, FIRST, LET ME JUST SAY YOU HAVE AMAZING TASTE.
(chuckles) IF WE HAD MET IN ANY OTHER CONTEXT,
WE WOULD SO GET ALONG.
I LEFT THOSE CLOTHES WITH VICTOR SO HE COULD STORE THEM,
NOT LOAN THEM TO HIS SLUTS.
OKAY, YOU'RE MAD,
SO I'M JUST GONNA BLOW RIGHT BY THAT SLUT CRACK.
I WANT MY DRESS BACK NOW.
OKAY, LET'S BE REASONABLE.
YOU CAN'T WEAR TWO DRESSES TO ONE LUNCH.
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A SPARE IN THE CAR. NOT MY PROBLEM.
GIVE ME BACK THE DRESS.
GO AHEAD. YELL ALL YOU WANT.
YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO TAKE OFF THIS DRESS.
THIS IS PEPPER SPRAY.
IN THREE SECONDS, YOUR EYEBALLS WILL BE ON FIRE.
COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THE CLASP?
(guests speaking indistinctly)
HELLO, SAMANTHA. I HEARD YOU WERE...
ISN'T THAT GABY'S DRESS?
(thud)
(Victor) GABY? YOU IN THERE?
HEY, VICTOR.
UH, YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I'VE BEEN IN HERE SO LONG.
FUNNY STORY-- I RAN INTO YOUR EX-WIFE.
YEAH, SHE, UH, BROUGHT ME UP TO SPEED.
(sighs)
OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR BED, TRAVERS.
BUT I WANNA SHOW CARLOS MY NEW TURTLE.
OH. RIGHT.
I'M TIRED. THAT'S OKAY, BUDDY. I GOTTA GET GOING ANYWAY.
HEY, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED YOUR WINE.
SORRY, EARLY DAY TOMORROW.
COME ON, KIDDO. I'LL TUCK YOU IN.
(grunts)
(Carlos hums)
SLEEP TIGHT, TRAVERS.
OH, NO!
I'M SUCH A KLUTZ. I THINK I BROKE IT.
NAH, NAH, IT'S JUST A FLAP. I CAN FIX THAT.
UH, EDIE?
YEAH?
I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
OH. I'M SORRY. (chuckles)
MAYBE I SHOULD WATCH
SO THAT IF IT BREAKS AGAIN, I CAN FIX IT.
OKAY, UM, SO THIS HINGE NEEDS TO GO IN AT THIS ANGLE...
SO THAT THE FLAP WORKS.
MMM. SEE?
GOD, YOU'RE SO MECHANICAL.
EDIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LEARNING ABOUT FLAPS.
NAH, I THINK YOU'RE COMING ON TO ME.
(giggles) MAYBE.
OKAY, EDIE, NO. COME ON.
WE'RE CLOSE FRIENDS, AND I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THAT.
OH, WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE.
LET'S JUST DO IT AND SEE WHERE IT GOES.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
WHY NOT?
(sighs) MM, 'CAUSE...
I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL WHO WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN
AND BE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,
AND YOU'RE NOT THAT TYPE.
OH? WHAT TYPE AM I?
YOU'RE... THE FUN TYPE,
WHO LIKES TO DRESS SEXY AND GO OUT AND MEET NEW PEOPLE,
AND THEN GO OUT THE NEXT NIGHT AND MEET ANOTHER...
NEW PEOPLE.
(scoffs) YOU THINK I'M PROMISCUOUS?
I'M JUST SAYING, FOR A HOUSE ON A CUL-DE-SAC,
THIS PLACE SEES A LOT OF TRAFFIC. JUST BECAUSE I'M POPULAR
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M INCAPABLE OF A LASTING COMMITMENT.
LOOK, YOU CAN'T EVEN COMMIT TO YOUR KID.
HE'S HERE FOR A MONTH,
AND YOU KEEP DUMPING HIM ON NEIGHBORS
SO YOU CAN GO SHOPPING.
THAT IS, WHEN YOU'RE NOT USING HIM FOR SEX BAIT.
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
BUT...
(sighs)
(scoffs)
TOM, IT'S ME AGAIN.
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN HOME 30 MINUTES AGO.
I KNOW. YOU'RE STILL MAD. I AM, TOO.
SO WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME AND WE CAN BE MAD TOGETHER?
SEE YOU SOON. (telephone beeps)
SO WHAT KIND OF ORANGE IS THIS SHIRT?
LIKE A SALMON OR A CORAL?
OH, CHEESE DOODLE.
EXACTLY, AND I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR THAT EVERY DAMN DAY.
OH, PLEASE. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
I ONCE WORKED AT THIS FISH-AND-CHIP PLACE.
I HAD TO WEAR AN EYE PATCH
AND A STUFFED PARROT ON MY SHOULDER.
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ARRR SPECIALS?" (all chuckling)
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL TOM TO PICK ANOTHER COLOR?
THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE SHIRT ANYMORE.
THIS IS ABOUT US WORKING TOGETHER.
EVERY DAY IT'S A BATTLE. IT'S HURTING OUR MARRIAGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST TELL TOM I NEED TO STEP BACK.
YOU MEAN QUIT? YEAH. WE COULD HIRE A MANAGER OR SOMETHING.
WOW.
HOW DO YOU THINK TOM'S GONNA FEEL ABOUT THAT?
WELL, ONCE HE DECIDES TO STOP HIDING, I CAN ASK HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M TIRED OF WAITING.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND I'M GONNA TALK TO HIM.
SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
SO I GUESS THIS MEANS WE'RE BABYSITTING THE KIDS, HUH?
GUESS SO.
I'M AN IDIOT. WOULD YOU GUYS MIND...
WE GOT IT. JUST GO.
TOM!
COME ON! I KNOW YOU'RE STILL HERE.
YOU REALIZE WHAT TIME IT IS?
I KNOW! YOU'RE MAD.
BUT YOU JUST... YOU CAN'T AVOID ME ALL NIGHT.
(glass crunching)
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, TOM.
(whispering) TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY...
OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE BREATHING.
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
(sniffles)
(voice breaks) HELLO?
HI. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG, YEAH, WITH MY HUSBAND.
I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW. HE'S UNCONSCIOUS.
357 HAWTHORNE PLACE.
OKAY, COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY?
THANK YOU.
YES.
(cell phone beeps)
(sniffles)
LISTEN TO ME.
I FORBID YOU TO DIE.
IF YOU LEAVE ME
WITH A MORTGAGE AND A RESTAURANT AND FIVE KIDS,
I SWEAR I WILL TRACK YOU
INTO THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL AND MAKE YOU PAY.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
COME ON, BABY...
(crying) OH, PLEASE.
SO THAT'S IT? HE THREW OUT HIS BACK?
OH, THANK GOD.
I'M GUESSING HE PASSED OUT FROM THE PAIN.
MM.
BUT I WANNA BE CLEAR.
A RUPTURED DISC IS VERY SERIOUS. HE'LL NEED SURGERY.
IT'LL BE A WHILE BEFORE HE'S BACK ON HIS FEET.
HOW MUCH OF A WHILE? WELL, THREE MONTHS.
THREE MONTHS?
EVEN THEN, HE'LL NEED TO GO EASY.
WHAT SORT OF WORK DOES HE DO?
WE RUN A RESTAURANT.
MM. HE SHOULDN'T GO BACK FOR FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS.
RESTAURANT WORK IS VERY STRESSFUL.
YEAH, IT IS.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S THE PRENUP MY PARENTS WANT YOU TO SIGN.
AND YOU BROUGHT IT TO BED?
(laughs) OKAY, ROMANCE TIP NUMBER ONE--
SORRY. I JUST CAN'T GET THAT OFF MY MIND.
I KEEP THINKING, WHY ALL THIS UNGODLY FUSS?
SUSAN'S NOT IN THIS FOR MONEY AND HEIRLOOMS.
THANK YOU. I DON'T WANT YOUR FAMILY'S STUFF.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH HALF A CASTLE?
(chuckles) EXACTLY.
SO WHY NOT JUST SIGN IT?
HUH?
WELL, I MEAN, LOOKING AT IT RATIONALLY,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MAKING THE PROMISE YOU JUST MADE TO ME
AND MAKING THE SAME PROMISE ON PAPER?
UM... WELL, THE DIFFERENCE IS HUGE.
I MEAN, ONE WAY YOU'RE TRUSTING ME, AND...
AND THE OTHER WAY, YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL.
BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT MARRIAGE IS--
MAKING YOUR LOVE OFFICIAL?
IAN, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START OUR LIFE TOGETHER
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE... I'M ON PROBATION?
YOU KNOW THAT I TRUST YOU.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY FEARS. IT'S ABOUT MY PARENTS.
REALLY?
I THINK IT'S ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.
HE JUST WANTED ME TO HELP HIM REMEMBER SOMETHING.
WHO?
MIKE.
I SAW YOU WATCHING US.
WE WERE JUST TALKING.
I NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING ELSE.
OKAY, I'LL SIGN IT.
W-WELL... AT LEAST READ IT FIRST.
(sighs) I DON'T NEED TO. I TRUST YOU.
(sighs)
OH. HI, MIKE.
SO TELL ME. I'VE BEEN DYING TO KNOW.
DID YOU TALK TO SUSAN? COULD SHE REMEMBER WHAT THE MOVIE WAS?
ACTUALLY... NO.
AH, WELL, HANG IN THERE. WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE EVERYTHING STARTS COMING BACK.
HERE, HAVE A SEAT. UH, LISTEN,
YOU'VE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL THE LAST FEW MONTHS,
BUT I THINK I'M DONE HERE.
MIKE, I-I KNOW THIS CAN BE A FRUSTRATING PROCESS.
BUT IF YOU GIVE UP NOW,
THERE ARE SO MANY MEMORIES THAT COULD BE LOST TO YOU.
YEAH, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
OH, MY GOD. HOW MANY DID YOU TAKE?
SORRY. I WANTED OPTIONS.
STOP JUDGING ME. I WAS HOPPED UP ON COUTURE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FUNNY. SAMANTHA CALLED HER LAWYER.
WHAT?! YEAH.
OVER A DRESS? GOD, WHAT A BITCH.
HEY! DON'T CALL HER THAT.
SHE THREATENED ME WITH MACE AND THEN SLUGGED YOU.
NOW YOU'RE ON HER SIDE? GABY, I DIDN'T MARRY AN ANGRY WOMAN.
I JUST DIVORCED ONE.
WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU HAVE SOME LITTLE MISTRESS ON THE SIDE?
WORSE. I TREATED HER LIKE SHE WAS THE MISTRESS.
I SET HER UP IN A NICE HOUSE, I GAVE HER AN ALLOWANCE...
AND THEN I-I CAME AND WENT AS I PLEASED.
SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEEDED HER,
BUT IF SHE NEEDED ME, WELL...
AND IF SHE WASN'T HAPPY,
SHE COULD ALWAYS GO OUT AND BUY A NICE NEW DRESS.
YOU SAW THE CLOSET,
SO YOU KNOW JUST HOW HAPPY SHE WAS.
(sighs)
WHAT?
I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS,
AND THIS IS THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF A GUY I COULD ACTUALLY LIKE.
A CLUELESS, EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WORKAHOLIC?
A GUY WHO CAN ADMIT HE SCREWED UP,
ONE WHO'S NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ME
EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY WITH HOW PERFECT AND CHARMING HE IS.
I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING MORE OF THAT GUY.
WELL, HIS SCHEDULE'S WIDE OPEN.
HOW ABOUT DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT?
I'D LOVE TO.
ALTHOUGH WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR NOW?
(clears throat)
DOESN'T MATTER.
'CAUSE I'M JUST GONNA TALK YOU OUT OF IT.
(laughs) LOOK WHO'S BACK-- MR. COCKY.
HE NEVER LEAVES FOR LONG, DOES HE, THAT GUY?
(chuckles)
ARE THERE ANY POINTS YOU'D LIKE TO DISCUSS
BEFORE YOU SIGN?
I'D LIKE YOU TO SAY,
"WE DON'T NEED THIS. WE TRUST YOU."
BUT YOU DON'T, SO, UH, I'LL SIGN IT.
AND ONCE I DO,
I AM GOING TO EARN YOUR TRUST BY BEING A GOOD WIFE TO IAN.
WELL, WE'RE SURE YOU WILL BE.
UM, SIGN ALL THREE COPIES, PLEASE.
I MEAN IT.
I AM GOING TO BE LOVING AND FAITHFUL
AND ABOVE ALL, HONEST.
THERE'LL BE NO SECRETS WITH IAN.
I'LL TELL HIM EVERYTHING.
WELL, WE APPLAUD YOUR CANDOR.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
THERE'LL BE NO TOPIC THAT I NEED TO... SKIRT,
NO ISSUE THAT I WON'T... ADDRESS.
I WON'T CONCEAL MY TRUE THOUGHTS
UNDER GARMENTS OF SECRECY.
GOOD FOR YOU. NOW IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN-- OH, FOR GOD SAKES, DAHLIA.
ANYONE CAN SEE SHE'S NOT A FORTUNE HUNTER. GRAHAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
SHE IS WILLING TO SIGN. WHICH PROVES SHE CAN BE TRUSTED.
I'M SURE YOU'LL BE A GOOD WIFE TO IAN.
YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.
THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS.
YOU'RE WELCOME. (laughs) COME ON.
YOU KNOW, ABOUT TRAVERS--
YOU CAN SEE HIM IF YOU WANT.
HE MISSES YOU.
(sighs) I MISS HIM, TOO.
OH, AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, HE'S AT A SLEEPOVER,
SO I DIDN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE
WITH A SIX-PACK AND SOME MATCHES.
LOOK, EDIE, UM...
WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOU THE OTHER DAY WAS-- DEAD-ON.
YOU NAILED ME, CARLOS.
MAYBE NOT THE WAY THAT I WANTED YOU TO, BUT STILL...
BUT I HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU.
BESIDES, THE GUYS, THE CLOTHES, THE PARTYING--
THAT'S YOU. I MEAN, THAT'S THE EDIE THAT WE LOVE.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LOVE HER,
BECAUSE I'M GETTING PRETTY TIRED OF HER. COME ON.
I'M A 40-YEAR-OLD PARTY GIRL.
DO YOU THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED?
YEAH... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY HERE.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING. JUST...
STOP SEEING THE PERSON THAT I'VE BEEN
AND START SEEING THE PERSON I COULD BE.
LOOK AT ME,
NOT THE EDIE THAT I SHOW THE WORLD.
IN FACT...
LET'S LOSE HER.
FORGET THE BLOUSE THAT SHE WEARS
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IT SHOWS OFF HER CLEAVAGE.
UH, EDIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
AND THE SKIRT...
THAT'S SO SHORT,
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT GUYS LOVE LONG LEGS.
AND THE HEELS...
THE ONES THAT MAKE HER LEGS LOOK EVEN LONGER.
EDIE, PLEASE.
FORGET THE BRA
THAT HOLDS HER BREASTS
A LITTLE HIGHER THAN THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN THESE DAYS.
AND THE PANTIES...
THE ONES THAT HIDE THE SCAR FROM MY C-SECTION.
THIS IS IT.
HI, CARLOS.
I'M EDIE.
I MIGHT NOT BE THE WOMAN THAT YOU THOUGHT I WAS
UNDER ALL OF THAT...
(voice breaks) BUT I'M REAL,
AND I'M HERE.
AND I'M ASKING FOR A CHANCE.
(cell phone rings)
OH. (ring)
(clears throat) HEY, ANDREW.
AW, THANKS. HE'S GONNA BE OKAY.
NO. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE WILL OPEN TONIGHT AS USUAL.
HEY, IT'S GONNA BE FINE, ANDREW. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.
IT'S MY JOB NOW.
MM-HMM. OKAY.
SEE YOU SOON. BYE.
(cell phone beeps)
IN EVERY HOUSEWIFE'S CLOSET
THERE'S AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
THAT TELLS YOU MORE ABOUT ITS OWNER
THAN SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO KNOW.
IT MIGHT BE A SHIRT THAT SHE DESPISES
BUT WEARS WITHOUT COMPLAINT.
PERHAPS IT'S SOME LINGERIE SHE KNOWS ISN'T HERS
BUT REFUSES TO DISCUSS...
OR A DRESS SHE ONCE LOVED...
THAT SHE CAN NO LONGER BEAR TO LOOK AT.
YES, YOU CAN LEARN A LOT ABOUT WOMEN
FROM WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO WEAR. OHH!
YOU CAN LEARN EVEN MORE
BY WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO TAKE OFF,
AND WHO THEY TAKE IT OFF FOR.