[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives...
Lynette went back to work.
And Tom filled his days.
-You're good at this girl talk thing. -Well, thanks.
Do you at least know why he steals?
I steal to hurt you.
[Mary Alice] Bree struggled to understand her husband's problem,
while down the street, Edie finally figured out her husband's plan.
You married me so you could get close to the man who killed your family.
He was never punished.
[grunts]
[whimpers]
[gasping]
[screams]
[Mary Alice] Rose Kemper was a survivor.
You could see that by looking into her eyes.
She had buried one husband, given birth to five children,
survived illness, bankruptcy, even the loss of her teeth.
As a result, Rose Kemper was no longer afraid of anything.
Sadly, the man who climbed into her window that night
was unaware of this.
[thudding]
But Rose was more than happy to explain it to him.
Get out of here! You just get the hell out!
I'm calling the police! Do you hear me?
[tires screeching]
Mrs. Kemper?
Katherine, what are you doing here?
Oh, I heard you weren't feeling well, so I brought you some flowers.
Doctors tell me you had a mild heart attack.
Did they tell you why?
It was Death. He came for me.
Death came for you?
But I chased him out with my baseball bat.
I gave him a good whack, too. Right on the old noggin.
[laughing]
How much morphine do they have you on?
You know that shelf where I keep my knickknacks? He tried to take one.
Death collects knickknacks?
And when he couldn't get me, he went after that other lady,
the one who crashed.
Edie Britt?
Oh, yes. And I saw everything.
Death just staggered out into the street,
and he raised his hands,
and he made her run into that light pole.
Katherine, you believe me, don't you?
Oh, I would never make anything like this up.
I know you wouldn't, sweetheart.
Listen, I'll stop by tomorrow. You just get your rest. Okay?
But, Katherine,
if you see Death lurking in the hall,
you tell him he'd better not come around here.
Because I am not afraid of him.
[Mary Alice] No, Rose Kemper was not afraid of anything.
But the man who had broken into her home
was now very afraid of Rose Kemper.
[theme music playing]
[Mary Alice] The fact is, everyone does it.
Sometimes with the help of an overturned cushion,
sometimes by means of a large potted plant.
Other times, using the top button of a shirt.
Yes, everyone has something they want to keep hidden
from prying eyes.
It's hard to believe you got this bump just by falling.
[Mary Alice] But some people are better at cover-ups than others.
I know, but that's what happened.
And I went for a walk, I tripped, and I hit my head on the curb.
Okay. Well, everything's looking much better.
I see no reason why he shouldn't be released this weekend.
Really? That soon?
You can pick him up in the afternoon.
Orson, I'll check in one more time before you go.
[whispers] Thank you.
Well, you don't seem all that thrilled
about the prospect of me coming home.
Honey, I don't mean to be negative. It's just...
What's going to happen?
Will you keep stealing and lying to me?
I love you, but I just can't put up with that anymore.
Don't worry. Things are going to be different.
How?
Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately
and I've decided, finally, to be happy.
How can you just decide something like that?
Look, there are things that I don't like about my life.
But there is so much that is good.
Do I really want to risk losing everything?
I mean, if I can decide to be resentful and jealous,
I can damn well decide to be happy.
And be the kind of husband that you deserve.
Do you really mean that?
I do.
I hope so, because I just cannot take any more lying.
You won't have to.
I can promise you that.
Dave?
Hello?
Dave?
[sighs] He didn't answer.
Okay, now I'm starting to get worried.
Yeah, I left that casserole three days ago and it's still there.
I'm surprised the squirrels haven't gotten to it.
Maybe they did. Anybody seen any dead squirrels around here?
Even if Dave wants to be alone,
we have to make sure he's taken care of.
We owe it to Edie.
I say we keep showing up here until he lets us help him.
We need to be annoying and persistent. We're good at that.
[chuckles] So who can come by later and check on him?
I'd do it, but I'm working late.
I'm in the classroom all day, and I have meetings after.
I have rehearsal dinner to cater.
[scoffs] And I have a garden club meeting.
You're in a garden club?
Yeah, I just joined.
Wait, there wouldn't happen to be
actual gardeners in this club, would there?
Hot, shirtless gardeners with great abs and learner's permits?
Gee, this bit just gets funnier and funnier.
Oh, we tease because we love.
Now back to Dave. I'll ask Mike to check in on him.
-That'd be great. -Remember to tell him,
annoying and persistent. And I can make another casserole.
Yeah, because he hasn't suffered enough.
[laughs] That's a bit that I never get tired of.
Dave? Hello, it's Mike.
Dave?
Hey, I'm sorry to barge in. I just want to make sure you're okay.
Katherine made you lasagna.
Thought it would be a good idea to eat something.
Want me to get you a plate?
I'm good.
[clears throat]
You'll get through this, buddy. You will.
-Look, I have gone through some... -You've gone through nothing.
And if you stand there and try to tell me you understand how I feel,
I swear to God, I'm going to lose my mind.
-Man, I'm just trying to help. -You can't! Okay?
So why don't you go back to Katherine
and your happy little life and leave me the hell alone?
You're right.
I don't have any idea what you're going through.
[sighs]
[Lynette] Sweetie, I'm home!
-Hey. -Hey.
Don't make plans on Tuesday.
We're having dinner at the Solis' and...
What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again, did you?
No! I've been working out.
Oh.
If you're good, I'll let you cop a feel.
That's okay. I can see it from here. It's thrilling.
[sputters]
[Lynette chuckles]
-You smell good. -I just took a shower.
And I know where you're going with this, but I'm exhausted.
Come on, Lynette. Please?
Ooh! Whining, that's hot.
Fine. Let's have sex.
But I warn you, I'm just going to lie here,
resenting you the whole time, waiting for this hell to be over.
Okay, if you're sure.
Tom! Come on!
Fine. All right. Okay, forget it.
[sighs]
Wait, you just took a shower? Where?
At work.
-I didn't know you had a shower there. -I don't. Carlos does.
So you went into Carlos's office, stripped naked and took a shower?
No, I went into Carlos's bathroom,
closed the door, then stripped naked and took a shower.
I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?
Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.
This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy.
And now I find out that some of those hours, you are naked and wet.
Hours? It was two minutes.
It's not like I'm lighting candles and putting on Barry White.
I don't care. I want it to stop.
Fine.
I should've just had sex, I'd be asleep by now.
[scoffs]
Oh, and ladies, we have been asked by the city council
to beautify the center divider on Main Street.
So make sure your calendars are clear next Tuesday.
I know I'm new here at the garden club,
but what's with all the gardening?
I thought this was just an excuse to get together for bitching and boozing.
-Blame Edna, the flower fascist. -Yeah, when we first joined,
we used to sit around in wicker chairs, drinking margaritas
and just looked at the flowers.
Oh, I'd kill for a margarita.
Don't cluster, ladies. Vary the colors.
And she's the one I'd kill. I mean, really, who died and left her in charge?
Alice Koontz. Grand mal seizure while driving.
Oh.
Well, this Edna has got to be stopped.
How?
Oh, my God, you're planning a coup, aren't you? I'm in.
Me, too.
That's three. Who else can we get?
Definitely Judy, and Terry's allergic to everything.
One bee sting and she blows up like... Well, like Judy.
How about the woman in the overalls?
Oh, Phyllis? She just got her second DUI.
-If there's cocktails, she's in. -Yeah.
Okay, so the lush gives us six. What about them?
[Patty] No way. They're all friends of Edna's.
All right, so they have six and we have six.
We're going to need a tie-breaker.
Hey, are men allowed to join the group?
I don't know why they wouldn't be.
Ladies, start your blenders.
-Orson, I heard you wanted to see me. -Yes, Dr. Kagen.
I heard you're treating the lady across the hall.
-You mean Rose Kemper? -Yeah, she's actually my neighbor.
I wanted to know how she's doing.
Sorry, I can't discuss her condition with anyone she's not related to.
Oh, that's a problem.
See, she has no family, or friends for that matter.
-And because of her dementia... -Who said she has dementia?
Well, certainly you've heard some of her bizarre ramblings.
If she doesn't have dementia, it's something just as troubling.
She has been saying some very disturbing things.
But I wasn't aware it was an ongoing situation.
Oh, yes, it is.
And I'm so worried about her
going back to that big house with no one to look after her.
Hmm.
I hate to get Social Services involved.
They'd probably just stick her in some state-run facility.
Oh, well, that would be a shame.
But what if she ends up hurting herself, or someone else?
I mean, I'm no lawyer, but wouldn't the hospital be liable?
Hey, Penny. Aren't you going to be late for school?
My stupid brothers hid my homework. Real mature.
-[chuckles] Is your mom ready? -She's in the shower.
What?
Lynette!
Carlos, you're early!
Didn't you get my text? The meeting got moved up!
Oh, crap. I'll be right there!
[screams]
[thudding]
Lynette, you okay?
Lynette?
[shower running]
Are you all right?
If you don't answer me, I'm coming in there!
Oh, my God.
All right, Doctor. Thank you. Bye.
He says that since you weren't out very long, you should be fine.
And don't worry about the meeting, I pushed it to lunch.
-And I can handle it alone. -No, I'm fine, I want to go.
-You sure? -Mm-hmm
Okay, I'll let you get dressed.
Hey, Carlos, quick question for you.
Last thing I remember, I was in the shower, naked,
reaching for the soap.
Then I was here on the bed, under a blanket,
still naked.
And my question is, how did I get from there to here?
Well, I carried you.
Uh-huh.
Which means you saw me...
[laughs]
Lynette, the only thing I was thinking about was,
were you going to be all right?
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
[chuckles]
And here's something else I'd appreciate,
could we not tell anyone else about this?
Not tell anyone? I'm a first-time hero!
This was going to be my lead item in this year's Christmas letter.
If Tom finds out, he'll freak.
He has this weird thing about being the only guy who gets to see me naked.
You got it. Now get dressed. We've got to go.
Could you maybe step outside? I only do one show a day.
Sorry.
Here you go!
[sighs]
Edna, here's your diet soda.
-Try to keep your pants on. -You know, I don't mean to be a killjoy,
but are we going to do any planting today?
There are some seeds in this. Knock yourself out.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
Patty, do you mind if I steal Tom for a sec?
Okay. But only a sec.
Okay.
What's up?
First of all, you're a real prince for coming today.
-Thanks to you, our coup is complete. -[chuckles] No problem.
Anyway, I know you must be bored silly.
So go ahead and make your escape.
Actually, I'm thinking of staying. I'm having a great time.
Meeting some nice people.
Yeah, about that. I've got to warn you.
Patty's kind of got a thing for married men.
Oh, Patty? No. No, no. She's just being nice.
Yes, she's like that. She'll give you the bra off her back.
[laughs] We're just talking.
"Oh, Tom. What big arms you have." That kind of talking?
Oh, that. Okay, fine. Fine. Point taken.
Okay, great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my gardening.
So Orson's "decided to be happy"? Isn't that great.
He sounded very sincere.
I'll bet.
So just how happy is he going to be?
Will he whistle while he works,
or will he just skip around the house occasionally?
I did not raise you to be bitchy.
No, you raised me to be passive-aggressive.
My bitchiness, that was self-taught.
Well, save it for those karaoke parties at Bob and Lee's. I am not amused.
Mom, your BS meter might be broken, but mine works just fine.
Orson's up to something.
Well, I can understand why you're a bit cynical,
but I'm giving him another chance. He's my husband and I still love him.
He's been stealing stuff from your friends.
He tried to get you to sell your business.
I know.
Fine. Go ahead. Take him back.
But while you're watching Orson skip and sing,
I'll be looking up divorce lawyers. Just in case.
Susan? You here?
[Susan] In the kitchen!
[sighs]
Why are you mopping the ceiling?
I was cooking, all right?
Lids, Susan. You've really got to start using lids.
Sometimes it's the stove's fault.
So I saw Dave last night.
-How'd that go? -Not good.
He's in a really dark place. He kind of lashed out at me.
At you? Why?
I don't know. It's like all of a sudden
he resents my happiness with Katherine.
-That's weird. -Maybe not.
When your wife dies,
it must be depressing to see other people in a loving relationship.
Hey, maybe you could look in on him.
Yeah, yeah, that didn't come out right.
I know what you meant. I'll stop by tomorrow and see him.
Thanks.
You know, this whole thing with Edie.
I mean, seeing her lying in the street that night.
It just brought up all those awful memories from our accident.
Susan,
we did what we had to do.
Yeah.
[exhales deeply]
Look what it did to us.
Daddy!
Hey, buddy. Hey, you hungry?
No. Mommy made spaghetti.
[laughing]
Well, I'll have him back before school.
You take care.
You, too.
Hey, I'm on my way to work, but I just wanted to bring you these.
Chicken salad sandwiches, which I did not make, I bought.
I learned my lesson from the casserole.
Thanks.
Wait. Could you maybe have one right now?
So that I know that you actually ate something.
I'm not hungry. But, again, thanks.
Dave, I know that you're going through hell.
But Edie was my friend, so, please, let me help you. Just a little.
You sure you don't want one? It's really good.
Still not hungry.
So have you thought about what you're going to do now?
I'm going to sell the house.
You're kidding. So soon?
I've got a realtor coming by today.
I'm going to put the money in a trust for Travers.
It's what Edie would have wanted.
[sighs]
Okay, well...
At least you're making plans for the future.
Everything that ever mattered to me is gone.
The future's the last thing I'm thinking about.
Well, I should...
probably put these away before I finish them off.
Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help you? A load of laundry?
No, thanks.
How about a pot of coffee?
Or I could just straighten up in here.
Susan, please. I need to be alone.
Oh...
Okay.
Sure.
Do you know what is a great cure for the blues? Cribbage.
-Do you have a cribbage set? -I thought you had to go to work.
I'll call in sick, take the day off.
Susan. I really don't want to be rude, but you need to leave.
Okay. You have a realtor coming, right?
You cannot let him see the house in this condition.
So just let me clean up a little. You won't even know I'm here.
All right.
I will be back after work to check on you.
But until then,
here's the phone in case you want to order Chinese
or call a hotline or something.
Hey, Katherine, can you call me back as soon as you can?
I just left Dave and he's in bad shape. I actually think that he might be...
[siren wailing]
Oh, crap. I've got to go.
-Yes, Officer? -License and registration, please.
Okay. What did I do?
It's against the law to talk on a cell phone
without using a hands-free device while driving, as of January 1st.
Right. I know that! I just was worried about a friend, so I forgot. I'm sorry.
Step out of the car, slowly.
-What? You don't want the license? -Out of the car.
[chuckles]
You think that I'm dangerous.
No, I totally have an explanation for those.
-Stop talking. -But you're going to feel really silly
-when you hear what it is. -Get out of the car now!
-Okay. -On the ground!
Oh, yes, sir! Okay.
Hey, Susan, I just got your message about Dave.
I'm on my way to the hospital, but if you want me to...
I... You know, why don't we talk later?
-Hey! Tom. -Hey.
-Was that Patty Rizzo? -Yeah.
I had some car trouble, so she followed me over to the garage
and gave me a lift back.
Patty lives six blocks away. I live down the street.
Why didn't you ask me to take you?
Are you going somewhere with this?
All right, look, Tom, I'm sorry, but I've got a responsibility here.
I brought you into the club, I introduced you to the horny homemaker.
-I just don't want you to... -What, Gabby? Cheat on my wife?
I was going to say "die of gonorrhea," but that's close enough.
Okay, I really appreciate your concern,
but how can I put this? Butt out.
All right, Tom, you leave me no choice.
You are no longer allowed to see Patty.
"Allowed"? Who are you? My mother?
I trump your mother. I am Garden Club President.
This is ridiculous. I thought you were my friend.
Look, I love you, Tom, but you're my friend with a small "F."
My friend with the big "F" is Lynette.
So if I see something that could hurt her,
you bet your ass I'm going to do something about it.
A neighbor offered me a ride.
If you want to hurt Lynette
and twist it into something that it isn't, screw you.
And that's with a big "F."
[scoffs]
-Hello, my love. -Hello, darling.
Please tell me you're here to spring me.
Not that I haven't enjoyed every moment of your poking and prodding.
I'm just taking one last look at your husband.
Are you sure he wasn't in some sort of bar fight?
Looks like he got smacked over the head with a pool cue or something.
Orson's not exactly the "bar fight" type.
He's more of a "raised voices at a cheese tasting" type.
While I'm finishing up here, do you want to go
-sign the discharge papers? -Great. Be back in a minute.
Bree?
Katherine, hi, what are you doing here?
Oh, I came to see Rose Kemper.
Oh, right, I heard she was here.
Yeah, it's so sad. I'm here to help her pack.
Social Services is coming this afternoon
to take her to some nursing home.
I'm surprised. I knew she was a bit dotty,
but I didn't think it was that serious.
Oh, yes. She's been telling people
this story about how Death broke into her house.
Death? Oh, dear.
Apparently, he climbed in through a window
and then tried to steal one of her knickknacks.
-Oh, well, that's odd. -Yeah.
Then she whacked him across the head with a baseball bat.
-A bat? -Which is what I would do
if Death were to ever steal one of my knickknacks.
[chuckles] So did she get a good look at Death?
No, she said he was wearing some sort of mask.
She tells the story so convincingly, you almost believe her.
[exhales]
Oh, there's the social worker. I want to be there when she talks to Rose.
He's all yours, Bree.
Wonderful.
Mmm! This dinner is delicious. You really didn't have to do this.
With the long hours that you've been putting in,
I just wanted to do something special to say thank you.
And by "do something,"
he means having me slave over a rack of lamb all day.
I would like to propose a toast.
Who says that friendship and business don't mix? To friendship.
Hear, hear, to friendship.
So I want to hear more about the garden club.
Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people.
Really? Any favorites, Tom?
They're all great gals. One's sort of a pain in the ass.
Other than her, I'm having a great time.
Although, I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be.
Everywhere you step, there are shovels and rakes and hoes.
You know, Lynette and I should really be toasting you two.
-Us? -Yeah.
For putting up with all the long hours we've been keeping.
Hey, I didn't mind the long hours.
Wasn't so crazy about the whole shower thing, but...
-Oh, so Lynette told you about that? -Yeah.
She thought I was nuts for getting weird about it.
I get it. You know, a guy carries your unconscious, naked wife to your bed...
What are you talking about?
Hey, is this gorgonzola?
The other day, when she fell in your shower. What are you talking about?
When she took a shower in your office.
-You took a shower in my office? -What's going on here?
Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work,
she slipped and fell, and he helped her.
You told her? I asked you not to.
She's my wife. I tell her everything.
Oh, you hear that, Lynette? They tell each other everything.
That way they know that they're not hiding anything.
I was just afraid you'd overreact. Like you're doing right now.
Full disclosure, Lynette. That's what a marriage is about.
So I assume you fully disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
What little friendship?
You know what? I think this is gorgonzola.
-Tom? -What?
Patty gave me a ride home, and for some reason
Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Because it's Patty Rizzo! She's a total slut.
You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car.
-Exactly. -Stay out of this, Gabby.
-You've done enough damage. -Hey, don't snap at me.
Lynette's my friend. I was just watching her back.
While your husband was watching her front.
Drop it, Tom. We'll continue this at home.
If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
I don't know. Why does the lamb taste like sawdust?
Thank you, darling.
I can't tell you how nice it is to be home again.
Well, it's wonderful to have you home.
How's your head?
-Still hurts. -Well, that'll teach you
to go out walking in the middle of the night.
You know, I still don't know why you were out so late.
Well, I told you. We had a little spat, and I wanted to clear my head.
Oh! And then you bumped it on that nasty curb.
Well, that will teach me to fight with my lovely wife.
And that's all you were doing, just going out for a walk?
That's all.
You know, I just remembered some business I have to discuss with Andrew.
Enjoy your tea.
Hey, Mom. What's wrong?
Orson's lying to me again.
So I think I have to divorce him.
Just tell me how I can help.
You okay?
Oh, I just keep thinking about Dave.
How his life was so great, he had everything.
Then one day, boom, all gone.
Yeah, I know.
Life can turn on a dime.
Dave, Edie, Rose Kemper.
The one thing it's made me realize is,
I don't want to live with regrets.
Me neither.
I've been wanting to tell you this for some time.
Remember when I suggested moving in together?
It wasn't just about saving rent.
I was trying to pull you closer,
manipulate some kind of commitment out of you.
And that's not who I am, so I want you to know
that I'm sorry and it won't happen again.
From now on, no hidden agendas.
I like that policy.
I'm always going to be honest with you.
After all, you're the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
[doorbell rings]]
Oh!
More sandwiches. Or is my gun in there?
It's just your belts and ties. The police kept the rest.
I know. They called.
You told them I was suicidal.
I'm sorry. It's just the things you said...
I'm worried about you.
Don't be. I told you, I'm fine.
You are not fine. How could you be?
You have suffered a horrible loss.
And you are allowed to feel any way you want.
But I know that you are not fine.
[exhales]
Okay, well, I'm sorry for ransacking your house. I'll stop bugging you.
Edie and I had a fight that night.
A bad one.
I came home, we argued.
She stormed out, got in her car and died.
Oh, Dave.
-That does not make it your fault. -Doesn't it?
If things had been different,
if I had been different, she'd still be alive.
You can't think that way. I mean, what happened is bad enough.
You can't blame yourself for it, too.
If you do that, you will destroy everything you have left that's good.
Trust me, I know.
Trust me. You don't.
A few years ago, Mike and I got in a car accident.
A woman and her daughter died.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Mike was driving, right?
That's what we said.
But it wasn't true.
After the crash,
I couldn't find my license.
I had switched purses that night and I left it at home,
and so Mike
told them that he was driving. He took the blame for me.
So I understand guilt.
And I want
you to understand that Edie's death was an awful tragedy.
It was not your fault.
Maybe you're right. Thank you for telling me.
[sighs]
Heck of a dinner party, huh?
It's amazing how fast you can eat in total silence.
It's my fault. I should have just told Tom the truth.
Although, it turned out to be kind of a wash
with the whole Patty Rizzo thing.
You know what I think is cool?
You guys have been married a long time and you still get jealous.
Yeah.
But just to be on the safe side, if I fall in my tub again,
let me die there.
-Okay, back to work. -Yes,
and we shall never speak of this again. I am embarrassed enough.
Lynette,
I saw you without your towel.
You've got nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hey.
How was the garden club today?
Oh, Phyllis got tanked on cosmos and threw up on Edna.
So now we're back to planting crap.
Look, I'm really sorry for sticking my nose into that whole Patty Rizzo thing.
It's okay, I...
The truth is, I knew she was coming on to me.
Then why did you keep hanging out with her?
Lynette has been so swamped with work lately that she doesn't...
It's just nice having a woman notice me again.
-Is that terrible? -No, I get it.
When we first moved here, Carlos was working around the clock,
and he'd come home and barely say hello to me.
It was like I was invisible.
Invisible.
That's the word.
So when he didn't see me, I found someone who did.
-You know I'd never do that to Lynette. -I never thought I'd do it to Carlos.
Well, then it's a good thing I've got a friend around to keep an eye on me.
Even if it's one with a small "F."
[laughing]
Well, for the record, you're growing on me.
You know what? I'm thirsty. Let's start a book club.
[Mary Alice] The fact is, everyone does it.
Everyone tries to cover up
what they don't want others to see.
Women hide their need for commitment.
Men disguise their growing insecurity.
Wives mask their intense disdain.
How can ordinary people
hide the truth of their feelings so successfully?
All it takes is a friendly gesture...
You can't play in the street, MJ.
You could get hurt. And that would really tear your mom apart.
[Mary Alice] ...and a plan.
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