[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Orson's blackmailing me to stay with him.
-[Mary Alice] To escape her marriage... -Lamar Benjamin?
You know my husband Orson from the state penitentiary.
-...Bree arranged her own blackmail. -I don't want to fight anymore.
[Mary Alice] While a friendship hit the rocks.
Lynette, you wanted to sue us. That proves that you are not my friend.
-Oh, my God. -[Nick] All right, calm down, all right?
I'm not an idiot. I used a pre-paid.
There's no way they're ever going to find us.
[Angie] I killed a man.
-[Mary Alice] A desperate act... -Danny? No, no, no, no, no!
...led to a revelation.
-Would you like some juice, Danny? -My name's Tyler.
The whole time I was with you, all I thought about was Susan.
[Mary Alice] And a revelation...
If you mean it, then please kill me.
I don't care enough about you to kill you.
...led to a desperate act.
I need an ambulance right away. I'm losing a lot of blood.
[Katherine gasps]
[Mary Alice] Daphne Bicks was an unhappy woman,
and no one knew this better than her husband.
That's why he hired her to work with him.
He thought it might cheer her up.
But sadly, Jeff Bicks soon discovered
that it would take a lot more than a job...
This coffee's cold.
...to keep his wife from complaining.
[gasps]
She complained from the moment they got up in the morning...
Well, another sleepless night, thanks to your snoring.
...till they were on their way home at the end of the day.
You want to see if you can hit all the red lights?
[Mary Alice] Things had gotten so bad,
Jeff Bicks began to wonder when God would end his suffering.
Luckily for Jeff, God had a plan.
[engine revving]
You're unbelievable. You are so cheap. It's frigging Christmas, for God's sake.
I'm not buying you a new car.
Tricia Reed's husband got her a new car, and it wasn't even a holiday.
He bought it for her because she beat cancer.
You beat cancer, I'll buy you a car. Don't beat it, I'll buy you two.
-Why are we even together? -The hot sex.
You're cheap, rude, you lack ambition. I should just dump your sorry ass.
You want a gift? You want a gift? How about a divorce?
[scoffs] Don't tempt me.
I'm serious. I already got the name of a divorce attorney.
You want a divorce? You got it.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he's giving me my balls back!
Correction. One of them. I get half of everything.
But not the business. I started that.
With my father's money, so I get half, and I'm selling it.
-Wait a minute. Let's talk about this. -Oh, so now you're scared?
You'd be that vindictive?
Destroy the one thing I love out of spite?
Hello, have we met? Of course I would.
And I'm not stopping there. Bank accounts, pension funds...
Ooh, I'm gonna ruin you!
[gasping]
-Oh, what's the matter? -I can't breathe.
Nice try. Big faker.
No, my chest hurts like hell! Take the controls.
-What? -You gotta land the plane.
[groaning]
What? No! You piece of crap! You can't do this to me!
[Mary Alice] And that is how the unhappy marriage of Jeff and Daphne Bicks ended.
In a plane losing altitude, right above a cul-de-sac...
Hey, is it just me, or is that plane flying really low?
...by the name of Wisteria Lane.
Dad, I think it's gonna crash.
[theme music playing]
[Mary Alice] The best Christmas ever.
That's what the residents of Wisteria Lane were dreaming of,
as they prepared for their annual yuletide festival.
So they hung up a banner,
brought out their candy canes,
and put up Santa's Workshop,
as eager as children for the holiday to begin.
Of course, some were more childish than others.
Look at this mess. It's like Santa's colon.
[laughing]
That's funny. Did you hear that?
Hilarious. Almost as funny as when Orson said it last year.
Okay, how about some Christmas music?
Parker, you got that sound system fixed?
Almost.
Do we really want the kid working with electricity?
He can't even get the newspaper on my porch.
You're clumping.
-Hey, what is going on with you two? -I don't want to get into it.
Well, whatever it is, you need to work it out.
We are caroling at the festival on Saturday,
and we can't have two of our Jingle Belles fighting.
You know, if you need a replacement, I've been told that I have a dusky alto.
No way. Girls only. We're the Jingle Belles, not the Jingle Balls.
Shouldn't you be out stealing the last can of Who hash?
You want to see me go all Grinch on your ass?
To be honest, Bree, I don't think I'm gonna be able
to sing with Lynette after she was...
After she what? Are you about to trash me?
I have way too much class to trash you, no matter how much you deserve it.
Merry Christmas to me. What did she do?
-She's suing Carlos. -You're suing him?
-Because he fired me. -He fired her?
Because she lied about being pregnant.
-You're pregnant? -With twins.
-You knew? -I told her to keep it quiet.
-Congratulations. -Sure, take her side.
She's not!
Stop fighting.
I mean, with all we've been through lately.
Julie being attacked, Danny Bolen's overdose.
We really need some Christmas spirit around here.
Susan's right.
This is the time we should come together and celebrate peace on earth
and good will towards men, and...
[sirens wailing]
Oh, crap. Who's dead now?
-Hey, what's going on? -Something's happened to Katherine.
Oh, my God. I was just there five minutes ago.
-Was she okay? -Well, she was really upset.
I hope she didn't do something to herself.
Hey, you're not going to believe this, but I just heard the cops say
that someone stabbed Katherine right in the gut.
What? Who would do that?
You've got to be kidding me.
Hey, there. How you feeling?
A little hungry.
That's because they pumped your stomach.
But if you want, Tyler, I can have them bring you some soup.
-Why did you just call me that? -You told me to, last night.
-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did. Twice.
You were still a little groggy, but you definitely said your name was Tyler.
Maybe I was dreaming.
My name's Danny.
Okay.
Can I see my mom? Please?
I'm sorry, not while you're under observation.
I'll have someone bring you that soup, Danny.
I don't get this. We gave you a check to cover the ambulance
-and everything else so far. -I know,
but we still need your insurance information, Mr. Bolen.
-It's hospital policy. -Like us not being able to see our kid?
So you have two stupid policies.
There could be some unforeseen expenses, tests we may have to run.
If you don't have insurance, there are government programs.
If you could just give me your information...
No! We don't need a handout.
[Nick] We have cash. Thank you, though.
Gayle, can I speak with the Bolens?
I know what's going on.
What do you mean?
I knew something was up the moment you moved onto the Lane.
I mean, you never talk about your past.
Well, we're private people. Is there a law against that?
Having no insurance, wanting to pay cash for everything,
having a son who can't remember if his name is Danny or Tyler.
Where are you going with all this, Mona?
You're in the Witness Protection Program, aren't you?
Huh.
You are one sharp cookie.
[chuckles]
-How'd you figure it out? -Honestly?
Once I noticed you were Italian, I just kind of went from there.
No offense.
None taken.
I can't believe I'm right.
So, what went down? You witness a hit?
-Did you rat on one of the Five Families? -We, uh...
We can't talk about it, Mona.
And neither can you. To anybody.
-Of course not. -Because if you do say anything,
we're gonna have to have you whacked.
[all laughing]
Mmm.
Any more news about Mike and Katherine?
No, but I'm sure he'll be exonerated.
Mike could never do something that awful.
That's my Bree, always seeing the good in people.
Yes, well, um...
Forgive me for starting your day on a sour note, but I filed for divorce.
Here are the papers,
and if you try to stop me, your parole officer will see these.
Consorting with a known felon is a parole violation.
If you send me to jail for fraud, you're going with me.
It's over, Orson.
This must have been quite a project for you.
Finding Lamar, setting up the camera.
Sorry to put you through so much needless trouble.
I would hardly say needless.
Without these, you'd still have a gun to my head.
Do you really think I would send you to jail?
It's what you've been threatening.
I was bluffing, Bree, right from the start.
I could never hurt you that badly, no matter what.
You didn't need these.
You could have called my bluff and walked away anytime.
I suppose the fact that you did believe me,
that you actually thought I'd destroy you just out of spite,
that alone should have told me it was over.
I will pack after breakfast.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry it had to end this way.
Me too.
These scones you made are delicious.
I'll miss them.
There's Katherine's room.
Now, you might hear some screams for help in there. Ignore them.
Is this what you meant by, "I'll behave calmly and rationally"?
That was just to get you to unlock the car door.
Susan, you gotta go in there and be Katherine Mayfair's best friend
because she could put Mike away for a very long time.
I know, I know.
-Might help if you give her these. -Good idea.
If she pisses me off, I can crack the vase over her head.
No, Dylan, the police have everything under control.
There's no reason for you to fly out here.
Uh, honey, I've got a visitor. I gotta go.
Okay, talk to you later.
Susan, come in.
Hi, Katherine.
[Katherine] Oh.
What a sweet gift.
I didn't even think I'd see you here.
Well, I was concerned about you, Katherine.
A lot of people are.
Actually, the one they should be concerned about is you.
Why is that?
Because the man you just married turned out to be a maniac.
Yeah, um... [chuckles]
About that, uh...
We both know that Mike didn't do this.
Really?
I've got seven stitches and a knife with Mike's fingerprints
that say otherwise.
It doesn't make any sense.
Why would Mike want to stab you?
Well, if you must know,
I told him I was in love with someone else,
and he flew into a rage.
Will you stop lying? If you don't tell the truth soon,
you are sending an innocent man to jail.
You are taking a father away from his son.
-That's Mike's fault, not mine. -Katherine, please!
Even though I am so angry with him,
when you think about it, it's really kind of flattering,
to go this far to keep me from being with someone else.
[sighs]
-So, how did it go? -I don't know anymore.
I can't tell if she's crazy or just devious.
I think she's a little of both.
Okay, so tell me how I get the crazy part committed.
Only a family member can commit somebody to an institution.
Really?
Excuse me. I was just with my friend Katherine in 607,
and she was talking to her daughter, and she wanted me
to follow up about something. Do you have that number?
Dylan Mayfair?
Yes. Would you mind dialing that number?
Certainly.
There you go.
[in British accent] Hello, this is Dr. Brewster
calling from Fairview General.
I understand that you were just speaking with your mother.
Right. Well, I do feel, given her condition,
it is important for you to come here if you can.
Lovely. See you soon.
Now, that's devious.
Fifty cents off paper towels. That's a great coupon.
-This is fun. -Yeah, it sure is.
And me doing my own roots is gonna be fun,
and getting rid of cable is gonna be fun.
We're gonna be having so much fun around here.
-Mommy? -Hm?
Are we poor?
Oh.
Only financially.
-Hey, don't forget that one. -Ravioli in a can? I like poor food.
[chuckles]
-What'd they say? -I've attended classes for six weeks.
[clears throat] They won't refund any of my tuition.
Unbelievable.
Is there a sign over us that says, "Crap here"?
It'll be okay. I'm looking for a job, and in the meantime,
we got enough money to live on for the next four months.
So, we'll run out right before the babies are born.
Yes, but remember, kids don't miss what they've never had.
Ah. Like food, clothing, a sober mother.
[chuckles]
I am so sorry.
-For what? -For what I have done to this family.
You have to drop out of school,
Penny is clipping coupons.
I have really, really screwed this up.
Well, we'll get some money if we win the lawsuit.
Yeah, won't that be great?
Living off the money we made suing our best friends.
At least Gabby tried to apologize and stop this.
Well, maybe it's your turn.
Damn it!
Whatever it is, I can explain.
That was the chairman of my board.
This Lynette thing is turning into a fiasco.
I thought that lawyer said you did everything by the book,
that we were covered.
It doesn't matter what the lawyer said.
Bottom line is, it looks bad for Global Venture.
A big corporation going after a pregnant woman...
-So what's gonna happen? -If this suit goes to trial?
I'm done. And even if it doesn't, I might still lose my job.
I've put everything into this company.
Carlos. Carlos!
[doorbell rings]
[sighs]
Hi. I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to.
You got that right.
[slams]
It's done, Karl. Orson signed the papers.
Yes, I know. I've never been happier.
I absolutely want to see you, too.
Um, meet me at the motel and we'll find a way to celebrate.
Till then, my darling.
When you move on, you don't waste any time.
[exhales]
I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you this morning,
but I felt I'd hurt you enough for one day.
Yes. Much better to parcel out the pain.
Is it someone I know?
No, no, never mind. I can't handle that right now.
Just, uh, tell me this.
Have you told your friends you're seeing anyone?
Of course not.
Good.
Please don't till I'm gone.
I'm saying goodbye to everyone at the party tomorrow.
I don't want it to turn into a pity-fest for poor Orson.
I won't go public with my new relationship until we're divorced.
And I'll say we started seeing each other
after you and I separated.
What a tasteful solution.
You must write an etiquette book for adulterers.
I don't blame you for being angry,
and I give you my word I will not let my affair be an embarrassment to you.
So, when the plane flies over the Christmas party,
I want it pulling a big-ass banner that reads,
"Will you marry me, Bree? Love, Karl."
-Oh, isn't that romantic? -Glorious. That'll be 600 bucks.
I don't care. You can't put a price on love.
He can. Our anniversary? $20 gift certificate to a rib joint.
Well, you didn't have to cook that night, so the gift was for both of us.
Good luck, Mr. Mayer, I hope this Bree says yes.
Almost as much as I wish I'd said no.
For what it's worth, I'm a divorce lawyer.
[Daphne] For God's sake, Jeff, look at the mess in here!
Do you have a card?
[Susan] Dylan! Dylan!
I have nothing to say to you.
I know what your mother must have told you.
It's what she told everyone, but it's not true.
Do you really think I'm gonna take your word over hers?
Please, I am so worried about your mom.
-I am not just thinking about Mike. -The hell you're not.
Get over him. He's married to my mother.
-What? -You know,
it's bad enough that you make a scene at their wedding
and you hound them night and day,
now you stab her because you can't have him?
Is that what she told you?
I don't know why you're not locked up right now. You're crazy.
Dylan.
We need to talk.
Oh, my God.
I don't understand.
For months my mom has been telling me about her life with Mike.
The gifts that he's given her and trips that they've planned.
Your mom needs help.
And so does Mike.
What do you want me to do?
Hey, good news!
Dr. Cheng says I can give your parents an early Christmas present.
You're released. Grab your stuff, I'm taking you home.
-Thanks for the ride. -Happy to help.
I can't imagine how tough it is for you guys to live this way.
What way?
Running all these years, always looking over your shoulder.
Relax, Danny. Your parents told me about your situation.
Well, actually, I figured it out. Your mom just filled in the details.
Why would she do that?
Frankly, I think she was glad
to finally find someone she could be honest with.
And that goes for you, too. If you ever need to talk, you can trust me.
I hope so.
Because if you say anything, they're gonna throw my mom in jail.
No, no. It doesn't work that way.
Are you kidding?
Ever since 9/11, the Feds are hardcore on any terrorist stuff,
even the old cases.
If they find her, she's dead.
What do you mean?
Danny!
I thought we were picking you up tomorrow.
-Ma, I screwed up. -What are you talking about?
I told Mona everything.
Hey, Mona.
Thanks for giving Danny a ride.
And I am so sorry he dragged you into our family drama.
[sighing]
I mean, you know better than anyone what a bad head space he's in right now.
He's so angry at me and his dad, he just wants to hurt us,
which would explain the wild story he just told you.
So, we good?
I hate my job.
All I do is deal with disturbed people,
wipe their drool, strap them down.
I hate it.
Well, maybe you should get a different job.
I've wanted to,
but they say you should have a year's worth of living expenses,
and I didn't know where I'd get the money.
$67,000.
That's what I've needed to cover my mortgage, my car,
everything for a year.
-[scoffs] Mona... -Sixty-seven grand.
If you could do that for me,
then we'd all be free.
Hey, Mom.
[chuckles]
Dylan, what are you doing here? I... I asked you not to come.
I had to. You were hurt.
Have you been to the house?
Oh, I'm so sorry Mike wasn't there to welcome you.
He's away on business.
No, he's in jail.
You told the police he stabbed you.
I never said that.
I told you, Susan attacked me.
Then why did the police arrest Mike?
I don't know.
Maybe he confessed to protect her.
Mom, Susan's his wife.
[scoffs]
That's ridiculous. Who told you that? Susan?
No, Mike.
They let me speak with him.
Mom, Mike is in jail,
and that's not right if he didn't do anything.
Did you stab yourself?
Mom, did you?
I asked you not to come.
-Mom... -You don't understand.
Susan trapped him, filled his head with lies.
This is gonna save him.
He knows why I did it. He wants this.
What is she doing here?
I want to help you, Katherine.
I have to get to Mike. He's expecting me.
-I can fix everything, you'll see! -[nurse] Mrs. Mayfair, stop!
-I have to go! -Mrs. Mayfair!
[Susan] Can we get a little help here, please?
Mom, please!
Everything's going to be wonderful! No, I have to get to Mike!
-[nurse] We need some help here! -No! Get your hands off of me! No!
-Mrs. Mayfair, please. Mrs... -Mom!
[crying] No!
Please, Mrs. Mayfair, we're trying to help you.
Okay. It's okay. Honey, everything's gonna be okay.
I asked you not to come.
-Hey, wait up! I want to go with you. -Can't I have one moment of peace?
Our therapist said we need to do more stuff together.
I know. That's why I don't go to the therapist with you.
Oh, come on, would it kill you to spend some time with the woman you love?
I don't know. Would you be upset if I brought her?
As long as she doesn't deflate in the plane.
[carol playing]
Gabby, please talk to me. I feel just awful.
You know why? Because you are awful. You're an awful person.
Okay, you have every right to be mad at me.
Thanks, Lynette. And you have every right to go to hell.
Stop talking to me.
Thank you all for coming out to our annual holiday festival,
and as it's been our tradition these last 12 years,
please welcome back the Jingle Belles.
[applause]
All right, ladies. Sparkle!
I can't believe they wouldn't let you sing with them.
It's their group. They can do whatever they want. Whores.
[all singing carol]
Do you mind? You're blocking me with your big fat head.
I thought we weren't talking.
-You know, I was trying to apologize. -Well, it's too late.
Carlos is probably going to lose his job
over this stuff you're putting him through.
Gee, I wonder what that feels like.
By the way, because your husband canned me, Tom had to quit school.
Oh, the 45-year-old freshman has to drop out?
Maybe he'll get a paper route. Move!
-No. -Fine. You want to be a jerk?
-No! Gabby, give me my hat back! -No, no!
[Lynette] Give me my hat back!
Give that back to me! Give me my hat back! Gabby!
All is calm! All is calm!
-She's the one that started it. -She's being a bitch!
I don't remember the word "bitch" being in the song.
Oh, no, it's always been there.
-You are... -[all gasping]
[Bree sighs]
We are going to take a little break mid-song
and we will be right back. Have a little punch.
I realize you two are having a problem, a giant problem,
and now half of Fairview does, too. So, A, you're fired, and B, work it out!
Gabby, I'm sorry about everything,
but you have no idea what losing my job has done to my family.
Oh, boohoo you.
Why don't you slip your cankles into my shoes and walk a mile?
You just don't care about anyone but yourself.
No, I do. I care about my friends.
Sorry, you are no longer part of that group.
I'm in. It's a Christmas miracle!
We can't just let some stupid housewife shake us down for 67 grand.
Nick, what do you want from me? We gotta try to make this go away.
We've got the emergency 10 grand, but that is a long way from 67,000.
[sighs]
[groans softly]
Maybe this will get us closer.
Oh, you little... Now, you be careful, you little munchkins!
Excuse me. Karl, what are you doing here?
I just thought I'd come by and give you an early Christmas present.
Stop it! We can't be seen together.
What's the big deal? Susan knows. The cat's out of the bag.
-Orson doesn't know. -You didn't tell him?
About the affair, yes, but he has no idea it's you.
Now, Karl, please go. I promised him there'd be no scenes today.
-Karl? -Oh, Lord...
[Karl clears throat]
Hey, Orson. I just came by to check on the decorations.
-Great job, Mrs. Hodge. -Save it, Karl. I'm not an idiot.
Orson, please.
You obviously heard Bree and I are divorcing, and vulture that you are,
you've swooped in to make a buck by representing Bree.
-Hey, a man's gotta eat. -Perhaps.
But soliciting business at a Christmas party?
That's tacky, even for you, Karl.
If this is who you want representing you, that's your choice,
but frankly, I thought you had higher standards.
Remind me not to let him make a toast at our wedding.
It's not funny, Karl. Now, just go before he figures it out.
Yeah, about that. You know that Christmas present I mentioned?
Don't you dare give me a present in front of all these people!
I'm not sure I can stop it. It's being delivered by air.
Karl, what did you do?
Just let me make one quick call.
[sighs]
Mayday, mayday! Oh, God, how do you turn this thing on?
Somebody help! I don't know how to fly!
Okay, I released the banner. Now what?
[air traffic controller] Look for a place to land.
A field, a large parking lot.
All I see are neighborhoods.
Negative. A street landing is too dangerous.
Well, that's all there is! What do you want from me?
Okay, calm down. Keep her steady.
Jeff, it's Karl! Are you there?
Hello?
Come on, pick up! Okay.
If you get this message, and please, please get this message,
you need to abort.
Do not, repeat, do not fly over Wisteria Park with that banner!
-[Bree] What banner? -Call me.
Karl, what banner?
You know how you're always saying to me I should be more romantic?
Well, I thought, "What if I hire a plane to fly over Bree's street"
"carrying a banner with a heartfelt personal message?"
Karl, when you put a message on a banner, it ceases to be personal!
What does it say?
Uh, something like, uh, "Bree, will you marry me? Love, Karl."
-Oh, dear God! -I was trying to be romantic.
Karl, when we began this affair, we agreed to be discreet.
Do you know what discreet means? No skywriting!
Oh, God, poor Orson!
Do you know how humiliated he'll be?
-I have to warn him. -Bree, wait.
I made this mess. I'll deal with it.
Orson deserves the truth, and he should hear it from me, not a banner.
But I...
[groans in frustration]
-You got a minute? I need to talk to you. -What, here? Can't it wait?
Uh, not really.
If this is about the settlement, I told Bree there's very little I want.
That's not the problem. It's what I want.
Bree.
You're too late. She has a boyfriend.
-You? -Hey, if I were a betting man,
I'd have lost a bundle on this, too.
So, wait, you're having sex with my wife?
[chuckles]
The point is, we don't want to make this any harder for you than it has to be.
I just wanted to warn you that in a few minutes...
Okay, you're the husband. I'll give you that one.
I'm trying to spare your feelings, which is why...
That's it! The hell with your feelings!
I am proposing to Bree today with an airplane banner,
and trust me, that will be the highlight of your day. [grunts]
One moment, please.
[carol playing]
-Hi. -Hi! Have you been to see Santa yet?
Uh-uh.
You want me to take you? Yeah? Okay.
[Gabrielle] Celia!
Come on. I will take you to see Santa.
[Angie] Hey.
Oh. We're gonna do this right here, just like that?
This seems like a pretty small envelope for such a big secret.
It's 10 grand. And my wedding ring. It was my grandmother's.
It's all we have right now.
But I gave notice at the hospital. I can't go back there.
Mona, that's the best we can do.
I have a job at Bree's. I can pay the rest as I make it.
Sure, until you disappear into thin air.
Just because I have lawn gnomes doesn't mean I'm stupid.
You don't know the whole story.
I know you killed someone and walked away scot-free.
Scot-free?
Does this look scot-free?
Yeah, I don't think Danny told you the whole story,
but maybe you should hear it.
Four miles I ran today, and now I'm drinking eggnog.
It's like mayonnaise with rum in it.
[men grunting]
Excuse me.
[plane engine whirring]
[gasps]
What are you doing? Stop it!
This is ridiculous! Please!
Oh, for God's sake, stop it!
And that was 18 years ago,
and we've been looking over our shoulders ever since.
That sounds like a very reasonable story.
So reasonable that I don't understand
why you couldn't just call the police right now and explain it to them.
Someone's dead. You know I can't do that.
What I know is, you've got till tomorrow
to come up with the rest of the money, or I go to the police, capisce?
Is it just me, or is that plane flying really low?
Mona, can we talk about this? Don't do this.
You are screwing with people's lives here. This could blow up in your face.
Sixty-seven thousand by tomorrow, or I call the police.
[plane engine whirring]
House, house, house!
Hey! We're not done here! You can run but you can't hide!
[all clamoring]
-Celia! -Run!
[Mary Alice] The best Christmas ever.
That's what everyone had wanted.
But something went wrong.
Horribly wrong.
For those who survived,
it would be a day they would try to forget.
For those who didn't,
this Christmas would simply be their last.