Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Your ex-husband was part owner in a business.
Susan came into an inheritance.
Who do I speak to about selling my share of Herpes On Parade?
Lynette acquiesced.
Looks like we'll be going to therapy together.
That is great news. Thank you.
As soon as I graduate high school, I'm going to New York to be a model.
Angie's concerns made her more protective.
You know I've always felt bad about the way we've had to raise you.
Being on the run and all.
The door stays open.
-I want it closed. -You stink.
And you're a whore. Here's the difference, I can get clean.
-Stop! -Say "please!"
And Orson expressed his feelings.
Please! That's the life I'm facing now!
Having to ask people for help for everything!
Do you know how hard that is?
Orson Hodge was smiling again, and it was starting to worry his wife.
You see, since his accident, Bree Hodge had grown accustomed
to her husband's severe mood swings.
She had grown used to his unexpected rage.
His sudden anguish.
His deep depression.
But lately, an odd tranquility had settled over Orson,
and his wife had the feeling something was terribly wrong.
Sadly, she was right.
Yeah, you just gotta move it to the side. Yeah.
What's going on here?
Hello, Bree. Just thought I'd give away some things I don't need anymore.
Hey, Orson. You got these in an eight and a half?
Sorry, Roy. We just carry men's sizes.
Look, I can understand
why you might want to give away your sporting equipment.
But why would you give away your books and your CDs?
And for God's sake, you can still use your headphones.
These are amazing!
Give me those.
What is wrong with you people? Don't you realize
you're taking advantage of a man who is emotionally distraught?
He seemed to be in a great mood.
Until Lady Sunshine walked in.
We're sorry, Bree. We assumed you guys had talked about it.
Well, we didn't. And that doesn't excuse the fact
that you're all acting like a bunch of vultures.
It's a good thing I came home, or you'd be picking through his closet.
You know what, guys? We should go.
And please leave your plunder behind.
Hey, come on. At my age, it's just a short-term loan.
What has gotten into you?
I'm sorry, darling. I had no intention of upsetting you.
Keep my things, give them away. Ultimately, it doesn't matter.
Yes, Orson Hodge was smiling again.
And Bree would soon learn the reason why.
You see, her husband had decided to kill himself.
In this never-ending drama we call life, everyone has a part to play.
Some are cast as romantic leads,
others end up playing the victim
and a few provide comic relief.
But if the drama is to be really compelling,
there must be a hero and a villain.
Hey, Mrs. Kinsky.
Look who's here, the garbage police.
I hate to bug you, but you're still not separating your glass
and your plastics.
The city passed that ordinance, remember?
How I envy you.
Young, pretty, able to crouch for hours behind a bush
waiting for a neighbor to dump her trash.
Look, maybe you don't get how easy it is to recycle.
I get it. I just don't want to do it.
I've been throwing Styrofoam into the trash since before you were born,
and the sky is still blue and the grass is still green.
Maybe now. But what will it be like for our grandchildren?
My son is shooting blanks and my daughter likes the ladies.
Grandkids are the least of my concerns.
So, you don't care about our planet at all?
By the time it's a problem, I'll be long gone.
Let the cockroaches and the robots fight over it.
-What was that all about? -What do you think?
Come on. Look, one old crank doesn't want to recycle.
You don't care about that stuff anymore, remember?
Of course I still care.
Fine. Yeah, you can care. Just don't be blowing our cover.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Stand back and watch her defile our planet?
That's exactly what you're supposed to do.
Sometimes you chain yourself to the tree,
and sometimes you go after the guy with the saw.
That's what Patrick used to say.
We don't talk about Patrick anymore.
-I'm just saying. -So am I.
So, the lawyer says you sign right here
and you are officially bought out of the strip-club business.
Let's hope I don't get my share in singles.
And here's a little something to remember us by.
"Lap dancing, it's a grind."
Well, I will be sure to wear this
on the next field trip I take with my students. Thanks, Jimbo.
-Good luck. -You, too.
-Bye, Mrs. D. -Take care, Robin.
Moby Dick?
It's not what you think. It's about a whale.
Yes, I know. It's a classic.
Well, I saw an article about 100 books you should read before dying,
and I thought, you know, with all the high cholesterol in my family,
I'd better get cracking.
Good for you.
So, what are you going to do now?
Well, this was never really my job. I'm actually a teacher.
Really? That is so cool.
I thought about being a teacher. I actually went a couple semesters,
but then my family had some money problems,
and, well, nine years later, I'm still wearing tassels.
Robin, you're being requested in the VIP lounge.
Well, good luck with those 100 books.
Thank you.
Not this guy again.
I keep telling him to keep the tips and buy himself a toothbrush.
Robin, wait.
You don't have to keep doing this if it makes you unhappy.
Well, I've got bills to pay, Mrs. Delfino.
No, I know. But you don't have to work here.
You could do anything you want.
That's easy to say.
Well, I mean it. It is never too late to change your life.
Robin, now.
Thank you.
Are you taking that with you?
When customers get grabby,
I like to have something to whack them with.
I almost killed a guy with War and Peace.
So, I'm driving, this guy pulls out in front of me...
-Cuts him off! -Yes!
-I was a little pissed. -You were furious!
But at the stoplight, when I start to tell the guy off,
Tom leans over and says,
"Sorry, no big deal, she's just having a bad day."
You didn't have to take the guy's head off.
He was a maniac!
-She flipped him the bird! -I was sticking up for you!
Yes, but Tom was driving, Lynette. Whether he chose to ignore it
or tried to run the man off the road, it's his decision.
Let him be in the driver's seat sometimes, literally and figuratively.
Bringing the score to Tom, four, and controlling bitch, zero.
There's no scoreboard in this room, you know that.
Well, I think you both did some great work today.
Next Tuesday, same time?
Thanks, Doctor, it felt really great.
Yeah, great.
I always feel so much better when we get out of there.
-Yeah, I bet you do. -Well, don't you?
I mean, I really think she's got this working.
Yeah, I think she's got this working. And this is getting beat up.
Come on, Lynette, don't feel like that.
It's true. She always sides with you.
-I want a second opinion. -Lynette.
Maybe we should think about seeing another therapist.
When we started, you loved her.
Yeah, and when we started, I loved you, too. Things change.
Now, let's go.
Hold on, I think I left my keys.
No, I can't. I have dress rehearsal tonight.
Okay, talk to you later.
-I'm sorry. I forgot my keys. -That's okay.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Did you say you had dress rehearsal?
That? Yes, I'm sort of in a little play that runs this weekend.
Really? You're an actor, too?
Well, I dabbled in college.
I have a bit of a gift, so I try to keep it alive.
What's the play? I mean, we'd love to come see it.
Antony and Cleopatra. But it's just a community production.
I would never force you to sit through it.
Okay, well, if you don't want us to come...
Here's a flyer. Matinees are half off.
-Hey. -Hey.
I need Ana to watch the girls while I run to the store,
and, big shock, she's not answering her cell.
No problem. Come on in.
They're just up in Danny's room. Ana!
Gabby's here!
So, they're in Danny's room?
Yeah, they were listening to music.
It was so loud, I made them shut the door.
So, they're by themselves with the door shut?
Just a couple of teenagers alone with their genitals.
Ana! Get your ass down here!
Gabby, what's the big deal?
They're just hanging out in Danny's room.
With a mattress!
Why don't you just crack a bottle of champagne on Ana's pelvis
and wish Danny a bon voyage?
Ana! Now!
Hold on! I'm coming!
I'm sure she meant she's on her way.
What's going on?
I have to run to the store. I need you to watch the girls.
That's it? Jeez, I thought the house was on fire.
Let me grab my stuff.
So, you're worried they might be doing it?
Yeah. And what I don't get is why you're not worried.
They are healthy, red-blooded kids.
They're going to do what they're going to do.
So, we say nothing and just fluff their pillows?
No. We make sure they don't do anything stupid.
Have you gotten Ana birth control?
I make her spend time with Juanita and Celia.
I was hoping that would do it.
Come on, Gabby. You have to talk to her about safe sex, condoms...
She's only 17. She's too young.
How old were you when you first did it?
Ana, hurry up! I've got to hit the pharmacy, too!
I didn't hear you come in.
"Dearest Bree, I will always love you, but the will to fight on has left me,
"so I've chosen to exit life on my own terms."
Is this a suicide note?
It's really more of a suicide rough draft.
Oh, my God.
I didn't mean for you to find out this way.
But now that you know, at least we can discuss it like adults.
There is nothing to discuss.
Orson, this is obviously the depression talking.
We will get you some medication.
Bree, Bree. There's no need for you to feel badly about this.
I've had a good life. Let me go.
I will do no such thing. I forbid this.
Do you hear me? You will not be killing yourself.
I will remove every knife, rope, and pill from this house.
And if I have to, I will be with you 24 hours a day.
Well, being bored to death wasn't how I was planning to go,
but we can try it your way.
Orson.
I'll give you some time to adjust to this.
But understand me. It's going to happen.
What's with the condoms?
Calm down, they're not for you.
Just what every man wants to hear from his wife. So?
Okay, hear me out. You know how Ana is dating Danny Bolen?
I'm going to kill him.
-And we have to be realistic. -With my bare hands.
Because they're not going to listen to reason.
And bury him under the porch.
No! Carlos, what choice do we have?
They're two teenagers who are getting seriously involved.
Isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
But giving them these is like giving them our blessing.
And that's how I felt at first,
but like Angie said, nature's going to take its course.
Yeah, easy for her to say. She's got the boy.
What if the condom breaks? What if he forgets to put it on?
If he knocks Ana up, who do you think's gonna end up raising the kid?
God, that would be awful.
Getting up for those 3:00 a.m. feedings after you've worked all day.
Not me, you! You'll end up taking care of the baby.
So you better convince her to keep her legs crossed
until she's out of this house.
Wait, how is this my problem? She's your trampy niece.
Because if she gets pregnant,
I'll be in prison for killing what's buried underneath the porch.
-Mrs. D! -Robin?
I hope you don't mind me just showing up,
but I thought about what you said, and you were right.
It's never too late to change your life,
-so I quit Double D's. -You did?
I was pretty scared at first, but now I think it's the best thing I ever did.
Well, that's great.
I never would've had the guts without talking to you.
You're like my role model.
Really? That's sweet.
My old role model was Candi, down at the club, but she OD'd.
Well, I will try to do Candi proud.
Good for you, Robin. I know change takes a lot of courage.
It sure does.
So, what do I do now?
Well, you know, what's my next move? Where do I work now?
I'm sorry. You quit without having anything else lined up?
I know it was a little hasty. But you said I could do whatever I wanted.
You sounded so sure. You're still sure, right?
Yes. Yes. I'm very sure. The world is your oyster.
You have saved up, right?
She stripped for nine years and didn't put anything away?
Apparently, there was a boob job and a bad relationship,
and the rising cost of glitter. I have to find a way to help her.
And why is this your responsibility?
Because I'm the one that told her to quit.
I didn't think she'd listen. No one listens to me.
I keep telling you how much I hate that shirt, and there it is.
Okay, we'll help her. What do you have in mind?
We need to find her a job.
Well, what can she do? Does she have any skills
that don't involve picking up a dollar without using her hands?
Why are you so sad?
Well, MJ, I need a job and I don't have any skills.
You're so pretty, you could be a princess.
Look, MJ is so smitten with her.
He's a guy.
And she's good with kids.
That's it!
They've been looking for an assistant art teacher down at the school.
She said she always wanted to do something like that.
Well, you think she can handle it?
We glue macaroni to shoe boxes. It's not the hardest job in the world.
Now see, how come when I say that, you give me that look?
And there it is again.
Thanks for cheering me up, MJ. You're so sweet.
You can give me a bath if you want to.
Roy!
Jeez, you scared the crap out of me!
Where's Orson? You're supposed to be watching him.
Don't worry. I stuck him in the laundry room
and put a broom through his spokes.
Hello, Bree. Can we please cross Roy off the suicide-watch list?
Hey, you're alive. My job's done here.
Where have you been? You were supposed to be back an hour ago.
I'm sorry, but I had to stop and pick up our guests.
What guests?
Orson, meet Chris and Ron. Now, I know you won't listen to me,
but you might listen to them, since you have something in common.
Really? Are you Gilbert and Sullivan fans, too?
Sense of humor. That's very important.
Now, I know you think there's no reason to go on living
because you're paralyzed.
So you thought, "Hey! You know what might cheer him up?
"Two more paralyzed guys."
Please, just hear them out.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make some tea.
So, your wife tells us you're in a pretty negative place.
Well, that's to be expected. But eventually...
Look, I know you mean well, but I don't need a handicapped pep talk.
Hey, we're not handicapped. We're handi-capable.
Oh, Lord.
We play basketball, dance, we make love...
And I hope you're very happy together.
I, unfortunately, don't have someone to join me on this journey.
You have a wife who clearly loves you.
Wow. Paralyzed and blind.
You must always be the first one to board the plane.
Look, we know what you're going through.
A lot of us feel unloved after something like this happens.
No, you don't understand.
My wife stays with me solely out of obligation.
Orson! How could you say such a thing?
It's true, isn't it?
You feel guilty because you know I never would've been hit by that plane
if I hadn't gotten in a fistfight with your lover.
This is the thanks I get?
I have bent over backwards to make your life easier.
I should just let you hang yourself.
Hey, don't we have a basketball game at 2:00?
Can you be honest for one moment? You don't love me!
Yeah. We should go.
Please stay. I've made tea.
See? You can't deny it.
Go ahead, Bree. Correct me. Say you love me.
I
care very deeply for you.
That's what I thought.
I'm feeling a little upset right now.
Would you mind rolling yourselves out?
Ana, let me ask you something. Are you happy?
Why?
Well, Carlos and I want you to be happy.
Over the last few months, we've come to think of you as our own daughter.
Really?
In fact, your uncle thinks it's about time
you and I had that little talk about the birds and the bees.
Oh, God.
That's how I feel. So, we're not going to be doing that.
Okay.
Instead, I'm going to write you a check.
A check?
A check big enough to cover one whole year of modeling school
and to rent a decent-sized apartment in New York.
Okay, what's the catch?
That's so cute that you think there's a catch.
-This isn't signed. -That's the catch.
I will sign it once you graduate high school without having had sex.
Or more sex, as the case may be.
Are you serious?
Ana, I could talk to you about morality, or saving yourself for marriage,
or statistics about STDs,
but I think you're the kind of girl who responds to cold, hard cash.
You know me well.
So do we have a deal?
Are you going to be a successful model with a nice apartment,
or a teenage mom with no future?
Well, when you put it like that...
Good girl.
And to answer your earlier question, I'm now very happy.
I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Three hours of Shakespeare
for a woman who has to pee every 20 minutes.
Come on. Dr. Graham's been so supportive of us.
Can't we be supportive of her?
This isn't about support. This is about little Tommy,
teacher's pet, wanting a gold star for butt-kissing.
That's not true.
Nay, but this dotage of our...
Please. You brought her a $40 box of chocolates.
Last Mother's Day, you threw me a bagel and called it breakfast in bed.
Admit it. You just have a problem with her
because you hate it when someone points out your flaws.
That's not true! I can take constructive criticism just fine.
-You're being a little loud. -Sorry.
See? I can take constructive criticism.
You're still talking.
You're still annoying. Relax!
She's making her entrance.
Grates me, the sum.
Nay, hear them, Antony.
Fulvia, perchance, is angry, or who knows
if the beard...
If the scarce-bearded Caesar have not sent you
his powerful mandate.
"Do this, or this.
"Take in that kingdom, and enfranchise that.
"Perform't, or else we damn thee."
-Hey, how was the play? -Hey.
Lincoln had a better time at the theater.
Really? So how bad was it?
You remember how horrible your second-grade Arbor Day play was?
But at least we were drunk for that.
Honestly, how did Dr. Graham get that part?
Is she sleeping with the director?
Sleeping with, bathing, donating a kidney, it's still not enough.
I just hope that I can erase this from my memory before our next session.
Are you kidding? We're not seeing her again.
Why not?
We're not going to continue to take life lessons
from a woman who burped during her death scene.
That has nothing to do with her skills as a therapist.
Really? Did she not tell you she has a gift for acting?
-Yeah. -Well, I can't trust the judgment
of someone with absolutely no self-awareness.
-We're not going back. -This is an excuse.
You have been looking for a reason to dump her
ever since our last session.
Tom, I learned two things tonight.
Dr. Graham has no insight into real human behavior,
and there are 428 tiles on the ceiling of that theater.
Say what you want, we are going to our next session.
And by the way, it was 429.
Morning.
Robin Gallagher, teaching assistant, reporting for duty.
Hey, look at you.
I wanted to look professional.
Do you like the glasses? I don't even need them.
You look great. That's a beautiful suit.
Thanks. It is so nice to wear work clothes
that don't rip away to reveal crotchless panties.
Yeah, you're preaching to the choir.
So, I'm just going to get the kids started painting.
And why don't you hang those globes that we made last week?
Okay.
Can I say something?
You really took a chance on me.
No one's ever done that for me before. So, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm really glad you're here.
Hey, careful. Never let the kids see you cry.
If they sense weakness, you're done.
Sorry we're late. Forgot his backpack.
That's okay, Mr. Linwood. Come on, Kyle. Let's get you painting.
Who's that?
That's my new teaching assistant, Miss Gallagher.
No, Bobby! That's not how we use pipe cleaners.
I'm sorry, do we know each other?
I don't think so.
Are you sure? You look so familiar.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
What did you want to see me about, Principal Hobson?
You are aware, aren't you, that as a private school,
we depend on the financial support of our more affluent parent donors?
-I am aware of that. -Good.
Because I just got a call from Kyle Linwood's father, a major donor.
Is it true that your assistant
can break a five by shaking out her underwear?
-I don't want to take a bath! -That's too bad.
It's time to give the Earth back some of its dirt. Go!
Hey, I'm going to be upstairs for a bit. What are you guys up to tonight?
We're just going to stay home and study.
Good girl.
Why are you getting me all worked up?
I thought you made your aunt a promise.
I promised her I wouldn't have sex. I didn't promise you wouldn't.
Fine, I'll sort it myself!
Mr. Solis...
Okay, don't freak out, okay?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, I'm... I'm sorry. This won't happen again.
Uncle Carlos, it's no big deal.
You think you can come into my house and do this?
Answer me!
-Answer me! Answer me! -Get your hands off me, man!
I catch you near her again, I will kick your ass, boy.
Let go of him!
You know what I caught your son doing in my house?
-I don't care. -Carlos, what is going on?
I said let go!
God! Angie, what the hell?
Wait for me outside.
-Ma, please, don't. -Outside!
Look, I came in and found him on top of her...
I don't care. He's my kid. You ever touch him again, you're dead.
Hey, Bolen! I see you tried to separate my glass and plastic!
-Suck it, Earth! -Ma!
Come on, Mom, let's go.
So, maybe you shouldn't just think about what you want to say,
but about how you say it, so Tom can hear you.
That's a theory.
Is something bothering you, Lynette?
It's the pregnancy.
This morning she got mad at me over the way I drank my orange juice.
Is that all?
You know you're in a safe place here. We can tell each other anything.
Okay, since this is a safe place.
Tom and I saw your play the other night.
You did? Well, why didn't you come backstage and say hello?
Well, the truth is, I didn't know what to say, because
I didn't really like it.
I know.
Our Antony was dreadful.
You weren't the only one who thought so.
No, actually, I was talking about you. You were
really not very good,
and now I've sort of lost confidence in you as a therapist.
Okay. Do you want to elaborate?
No. I think I said what I needed to say.
See, this is the same thing in your marriage.
You criticize Tom, but you won't be specific.
It's sort of the coward's way out.
Coward?
Okay. You sucked. You were really, really bad.
Three words. Stink, stank, stunk.
Specific enough?
Good for you, Lynette. I commend you for your honesty.
Although the Fairview Herald had a different take.
They found my Cleopatra incandescent.
Oh, my God. You actually believe that.
See? This is why we can't see her anymore.
Tom, you haven't weighed in yet. What did you think?
I thought you were great.
What? Liar!
You said you've seen seals playing horns that put on a better show.
There's no need to bully him into agreeing with you.
I wouldn't have to bully him if he would man up for once.
-Lynette, you're attacking. -Of course.
Because I'm always the bad cop, he's always the good cop.
Could you just once not be such a wuss?
Damn right, I'm the good cop. Someone has to be.
Because bad cop/bad cop doesn't work.
I grew up in that house, and it doesn't work.
That is not it. You like me being the bad guy.
That way you can always be the good guy. But guess what?
I'd love to be the good guy once in a while, but I can't.
Because when things get hard or a difficult decision has to get made,
you run from confrontation.
And if I don't step into the void, things grind to a halt,
because I've got news for you,
good cop/good cop doesn't work, either.
You're right.
Really?
I like to be liked. And because of that,
a lot of the ugly stuff I defer to you.
And I'm sorry.
Your performance was aggressively bad.
At one point, during the second act,
I started to choke on a mint, and thought about not fighting it.
Thank you.
Wow. This was quite a breakthrough.
And you're right.
You're a wonderful therapist.
Thank you, Lynette.
Now, both of you, get the hell out of my office.
So, we catch her son on top of our niece and we have to apologize?
No, we have to apologize
because you almost put her son's head through a wall.
When are you going to learn violence is not the answer?
I shouldn't have to tell you this. You know better!
You've known it for 19 years! You're smarter than this!
This is not the first time we've had this conversation.
I feel like I'm talking to a wall here!
What is going on here?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh, God. He's ripping Danny a new one.
-Damn it, Angie... -Okay, Nick!
-Just leave me alone! -No, no, hey! You are getting sloppy!
-We should go. -Yeah, we should.
First you get into it with that crazy lady about her recycling,
which I told you not to do, and then, guess what?
She comes over this morning and says she's thinking about suing us.
-Okay, I lost my cool! -Well, get it back!
Because this rock we are hiding under is not that big,
and if people start poking around, we're done!
And then, bam, he fires her for something she used to do.
It's so hypocritical. I mean, why not get mad at the kid's father?
He obviously goes to Double D's.
I just hope I didn't get you into any trouble, Mrs. D. I feel awful.
No, no, no. This is not your fault.
When I'm sad, my mom gives me a big hug.
Down, tiger.
What am I going to do? I have no money for rent.
I'm just going to end up homeless.
Maybe I should go and beg for my old job back.
No, no, you can't do that. Quitting that place took a lot of guts.
How do you feel about letting her move in here?
Julie's gone, we have her empty room. It's just until she gets on her feet.
You're asking if I'm okay with letting a stripper live with us?
I'm going to go with "no."
-Why not? -I have no idea.
I'm just really sure this is a trick question.
She's a nice girl, and she's in trouble.
You know, I think of myself as a good person who cares about others,
and how often do I actually get to walk the walk?
This is an opportunity to really help someone.
I want to do it.
Okay.
Okay, let's go make an ex-stripper and a little boy very happy.
What's this for?
The Lackeys' 50th-anniversary party. Don't you remember?
I'm sorry. I thought I'd be dead by now,
so I wasn't paying much attention to our social calendar.
Well, regardless, you're going.
And if you're still around next Saturday, we've got brunch with my family.
Well, now you're just daring me!
Orson, Walter is about to make a toast. Don't you want to hear it?
A speech about the joys of wedded bliss?
Pass.
Walter and Shirley are about to dance to a song
that was played at their wedding.
But before they do, Walter would like to say a few words.
Want to thank you all for coming. 50 years. It hardly seems possible.
Now, I'm not going to lie to you and say it's always been easy.
We've had our share of tragedy
and we've said a few things we wish we could take back.
But for the most part, we've been lucky,
because no matter how old we get, we've always been able to remember
what made us fall in love in the first place. Right, hon?
Orson.
Orson! Stop! Don't you dare throw yourself in that pool!
I want to die. Why can't you let me?
Because I want things, too.
I want a party like this someday to celebrate our life together.
What is there about our life to celebrate?
Look at Walter and Shirley in there.
I was watching them dance with such passion in their eyes,
but I know they haven't always been like that.
They've had their rough times, too. But they stuck it out.
Because they're in love.
I asked you if you loved me, and you couldn't answer.
Fine. I'll answer you now.
I loved you once.
Can I love you again?
I don't know.
But I would like to recapture what we once had.
And how can we do that if you're not here?
So, I'm asking you,
please stay.
In this never-ending drama we call life, everyone has a part to play.
Some are cast as romantic leads,
others end up being the victim,
and a few always provide comic relief.
And then there are those who end up playing the hero,
especially if they feel there's a villain
who lives just across the street.