[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives.
-May I sit? -Not just yet. What is it you want?
I want to learn your business from the ground up.
And then I want to help you expand it.
-Bree... -Mr. Allen...
-...hired a new employee. -Now you can sit.
You should be saying, "Great, Ana, go for it."
Gabby thought she had ended a romance.
-Where's Danny? -New York. Danny went to find Ana.
-You have to leave. -Robin was asked to go,
but Katherine had a change of heart.
Preston Scavo was finally coming home from Europe,
and his family was wondering what kind of souvenirs
he'd be bringing them.
His brother wanted an army knife from Switzerland.
His sister wanted some wooden shoes from Holland.
His father wanted some cheese from Bavaria.
And his mother, well, all she wanted was to hold her little boy in her arms.
Guess who's back!
But she'd soon discover, her little boy wasn't so little anymore.
-Hey! -Hey! Let me at him! I get the first hug!
-Mom, you're huge! -I know! Well, look at you!
Porter, now you don't have to grow a mustache
to see how bad it would look.
-What'd you bring me? -Penny, he just walked in.
Give him a chance to unpack and give me my cheese.
-Actually, I do have a little surprise. -There's plenty of time for that.
You've been traveling all day. You probably want to take a shower
-or a nap... -No, I kind of need to do this now.
Yeah, Mom. You are really gonna want to see this surprise.
Okay, I'm a little nervous. Maybe I should explain.
No, you don't need to explain. I'm sure we're gonna love it.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet Irina.
Hello! I am finally to meet the lovely Preston family.
[exclaims softly]
Nice to meet you, Irina. Um...
Preston didn't say he was bringing a friend.
She's more than a friend, Mom. We're in love.
[Mary Alice] Yes. Preston Scavo had returned from his trip
with a beautiful souvenir,
and his mother would soon wish he hadn't.
[Mary Alice] Sometimes you must wash away the mud
to reveal that sparkling yellow underneath.
Sometimes you must carry the flower into the sunlight
to appreciate the redness of the rose.
Sometimes you have to take off the wrapping to understand
just how green a bike can be.
And if you want to see a woman's true colors,
just make her feel unnecessary.
-Ana, you're doing it again! -But you can't see my face!
This is a tool calendar.
It's gonna be hanging in some fat mechanic's basement,
and he won't be looking at your face.
I came to New York to be a fashion model!
I came to make art films. Isn't life funny? I'm getting a donut.
You have two minutes for an attitude adjustment.
-Hey, Ana. -What are you doing here?
-I've been looking everywhere for you. -You wasted your time. We broke up.
We were broken up by your aunt. She doesn't care about your career.
All she's ever cared about is keeping us apart.
-That's why she sent you here. -Oh, my God!
That's why the agency's only been sending me out on these crappy jobs.
It all makes sense now.
We've got a lot of catching up to do. Can we go somewhere and talk?
Come on, January! Time is money.
I quit.
-[Angie] Gabby? You in here? -Yeah.
I need Ana's address in New York. I'm on my way to the airport.
-Why would you need that? -Because Danny ran off to find her.
Well, I will save you the trip,
'cause if Danny finds Ana, she'll send him packing.
She wants nothing to do with your son. She'll tell you herself.
[on answering machine] Hey, this is Ana, leave a message.
And if you're my Aunt Gabby, I know what you did. Drop dead.
Hold that cab. I'm coming with you.
[Mike] Hey.
Wow, aren't you a little overdressed for bacon and eggs?
And buttered toast.
Buttered toast! Well, if I'd known that, I would have worn my formal boxers.
So, do you like it?
I got the check from the sale of the strip club
and I decided to treat myself.
Plus, I figured I needed something to wear when we go to Chez Naomi.
Chez Naomi? Why don't we just stay home and eat money?
Because you promised to take me there
to celebrate paying your business loan off.
I'm sorry, but that loan is years away from being paid off.
Not anymore. I took care of it.
-You did what? -With the check I got.
What the hell did you do that for?
Okay, what I think you meant to say was,
"Thanks, Susan. You're the best wife ever."
That loan was my responsibility.
[sighs] You were paying 9% interest.
You were never gonna pay that loan off.
Look, I appreciate it, but in the future, just check with me first, okay?
Okay. I'm gonna take out the trash.
-Now? -Lee's getting his mail.
He can't see my new dress in here.
Think about it. You already specialize in comfort food.
Marry that with a Creole or Cajun twist. It's a no-brainer.
-It's brilliant. I love it. -You love what?
Sam just came up with the idea for my next cookbook,
"Down Home Cooking with Mrs. Van De Kamp."
Thank you, Sam.
"My darling Sam, I couldn't make it through the day without you."
What was that?
It's the dedication page to your new cookbook, I'm guessing.
Oh, and I have your first recipe. Apple Brown-Nose Betty.
That's Sam's specialty.
Since when is hard work brown-nosing?
That young man is the first one here every morning
and the last one to leave at night.
Yeah, well, it takes a lot of time to turn all that water into wine.
Well, I am sorry you don't appreciate him.
I think he's tremendous.
In fact, I have decided to give him a promotion.
A promotion to what?
Vice president.
Hey! Check my stationery! I'm vice president.
Well, a company can have more than one.
There's plenty of work to go around.
I don't believe this. You barely know the guy.
-I'm your son. -I know you don't understand this now,
but I am doing what I think is best for both of us.
Remember that sentence. You'll be hearing it the day
I put you in a nursing home.
[doorbell rings]
Oh! Did I wake you?
Uh... No. I just didn't get much sleep last night. What's going on?
Well, I was just on my way to buy some overpriced shoes
to go with my overpriced dress. You want to come?
Thanks, but it's not a good time.
-Is everything okay? -Yeah, fine. Gotta go.
[sighs] Please don't shut me out, Katherine.
Now that you're home from the hospital,
I want us to go back to the way we used to be.
There was a time you and I could tell each other anything.
Hey, Susan. Morning, hon. I'll go make the coffee.
So, anything you want to tell me?
[inaudible]
Yeah?
-Are you Rose DeLuca? -Why?
I think you're my grandma.
Tyler?
[unlocks door]
[exclaims happily]
So, after we get to Manhattan, what's our plan?
We go to Ana's modeling agency.
I know that world. It's all interconnected.
Someone will know someone who knows where they are.
How do you know that world? Were you a model?
Yeah. You didn't know? Big time. I was even on the cover of Vogue.
-Really? What happened? -Mmm-hmm.
I decided I wanted a different kind of life and married Carlos.
Wow. Good for you.
So?
-What? -It's just,
I shared something about my past, and I know nothing about yours,
like where you grew up, or where you lived before moving to Fairview.
-[sighs] My past isn't that interesting. -Come on. I shared stuff about me.
Telling me you were a supermodel is not sharing, it's bragging.
It's not bragging when it's the truth. And the fact is, I was very successful.
Well, if you were so successful,
how come I've never heard of you before?
Because you had to be looking in a fashion magazine,
and I doubt you were ever doing that.
-Are we done sharing? -Oh, yeah.
Wow. So, Paris, Prague, Madrid. It sounds like you guys saw everything.
But you still haven't told us how you two met.
Well, the first time I saw Irina was on the beach in Nice.
[chuckles] It was... How you say in English? The...
-Topless? -Yes.
Wow. You really did see everything.
I was so embarrassed to show my breasts in public.
-Well, clearly you've gotten over that. -Sweetie, would you give me a hand?
-Oh, sure. Are you finished? -Thanks, Mom.
[Lynette] Uh-huh.
[whispering] Why are you being so rude?
[exclaims in frustration]
Because I love that boy more than anything in the world,
and there is no way in hell he could get a woman that hot.
So, what does she want?
Fine. He's dating out of his league. Remind me to high-five him later.
Now, get back over there and be nice.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
You have given me so much beautiful food.
You're welcome.
And you have beautiful boots.
Preston buy these for me in Paris.
300 euros. Almost 400 American, yes?
Huh. I remember sending you money in Paris for an "emergency."
I didn't realize it involved footwear.
Fine. I'll pay you back out of my college fund.
Your son is so generous.
You know, he promise to take me to the shopping spree
in real American mall.
I hear people pay $80 for t-shirt.
Well, here in America, people are willing to pay a lot for beautiful things.
I'm sorry, the water was running.
Did you just say Katherine is a leprechaun?
Lesbian. Katherine is a lesbian.
Okay, the first one made more sense.
Apparently, the other night, Katherine and Robin got a little drunk.
Hold it. Robin?
Yeah. She's a leprechaun, too.
Wow, Katherine and Robin...
Okay, okay, you can just get the image out of your head,
-or I'm not gonna tell you anything else. -This is too weird.
Well, a lot of people discover they're gay later in life.
No. I mean, how could she go from being with me
to being with women?
Mike, she was probably leaning that way already.
She was lucky to have you. You were a nice transition.
-What? -Well, you know. I mean...
When you make love, you're so gentle, and you like to cuddle...
So, what are you saying, that I make love like a woman?
No, no. I'm saying...
That you are a well-balanced man who's in touch with his feminine side.
I don't even have a feminine side.
Mike, come on, I... It's what I love about you.
-You cry at movies. -Movie! One movie! Brian's Song.
And The Notebook.
-Tears of boredom. -Mike.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Why is Daddy yelling?
He may have turned a woman into a leprechaun.
Look, you can complain about Irina all you like. I think she's nice.
Please. Your opinion of her was set once you heard the word "topless."
That reminds me. Did Preston take any pictures on this trip?
Tom, I was there when she unpacked her suitcase.
[in Russian accent] "Preston buy me this. Preston buy me that."
I am telling you, that woman is, how do you say, a gold digger.
[chuckles]
You know, if you're right, she'll move on soon enough.
Yeah.
[knock on door]
Yeah?
I need to talk to you guys.
I know that look. He's come to his senses.
I proposed to Irina, and she said yes.
[whispering] Okay, I don't know that look at all.
You proposed? But you've only known each other for a few months.
Yeah, but she's the one. I know it.
Oh, honey. Wake up!
-What's that mean? -Your mother's just concerned
that Irina might be with you for the wrong reasons.
Like your college fund. Why'd you tell her about that?
Wow. You must really think I'm an idiot.
I think you're young, and I'm sorry, sometimes young is idiot-adjacent.
You don't approve? Fine. I can live with that.
-But I want Nana's ring. -No!
You want to buy that woman boots, I can't stop you,
but she is not getting my grandmother's ring.
Nana promised I could have that ring when I got married.
-You don't get a say. -Oh.
Hey, you're making a mistake.
Yeah, well, maybe the mistake I made was coming home.
God, your friend owns this place? It's pretty swank.
Yeah, we used to call it "the house that bulimia built."
[scoffs] I could have never been a model. I like food too much.
Yeah. That's why.
-Can somebody get me a coffee later? -Holy crap! Is that Heidi Klum?
-Hey. -Yeah.
-Do you want to meet her? -Get out!
Sure. She's an old friend. Come on. Heidi!
Hey! Heidi. Hi! It's me, Gabby.
-Gabrielle Marquez. -I remember you.
It's hard to forget someone who taped toilet paper to the bottom
of my Manolo Blahniks, and laughed when I walked down the runway.
[chuckles nervously]
I was quite the practical joker back then.
Anyway, this is my friend Angie Bolen from Fairview.
Practical joke, my ass.
Because of you, I didn't get to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
So screw you, screw your friend, and screw Fairview.
She seems nice.
-Gabrielle! -Luke!
-Hello, gorgeous. -Hi! This is my neighbor, Angie.
Oh! Nice cheek bones.
Now, what the hell is up with that snotty niece of yours?
I mean, don't get me wrong. She's gifted and she's got the look,
-but that attitude! -Tell me about it.
Do you have any idea where she is? She's not in her apartment.
Your niece walked off a shoot. Her boyfriend, Broody McFine-Ass,
showed up, told her that he had relatives in town they could stay with.
Short story shorter, I don't know where she went, and don't care.
-You have relatives in New York? -Only one.
-[Rose] Who's there? -It's me, Ma.
[unlocks door]
What? I finally get to meet my grandson for the first time,
and now you're telling me that he has to go?
-You know it is not safe here, Ma. -Here's what I know.
Every night for the past 18 years, I was the only one at this table.
Yeah. One plate, one cup, one chair.
And then, someone knocks on my door,
and they sit right there, and he calls me Grandma.
I could have looked at him till my eyes dried up.
And now you show up and you tell me it's not safe!
-Why? The Feds don't care about him! -It's not the Feds I'm worried about.
Oh.
So that's why you want to take him away. Patrick Logan?
If my kid shows up, he's a direct link to me.
-That's how he'll find me. -That was 18 years ago.
Patrick Logan does not care about you,
and he sure as hell does not care about my grandson!
Ma, please.
I'll tell "Danny" you were here.
Robin the stripper? You had sex with Robin the stripper?
Holy Chaz Bono.
-Was that the first time you ever... -Yes.
And Robin's at her cousin's wedding,
so I only have a couple of days to figure this out. Am I gay now?
-Well, did you enjoy it? -I don't know. It was different.
I mean, we started kissing and then we...
[stammers] No details necessary.
Katherine, you're not gay.
As much as you think you can switch your entree from meat to fish,
it doesn't work that way. This is not a choice.
But how could this have happened if I'm not gay?
Look, I was with women all through my twenties...
Any excuse to drag that out!
But it always felt weird. Then when I slept with a man,
-I knew that was it. -Then, 1,000 men later, he found me.
My point is, if it didn't feel quite right to you,
chances are it was just a one-time thing.
Maybe you're right. We were both pretty drunk.
If you're not sure, take sex out of it. Get to know Robin.
It's a little late to start dating. We already live together.
That is fast. Maybe you are a lesbian.
And in the short time he's been here, Sam has proved himself invaluable,
so I would like you all to give your support to our new vice president.
[polite applause]
Thank you. This is a great company, but I think we can make it even better.
Now, I've got a lot of great...
I'm sorry. I was just showing my support. Carry on!
Andrew! Is that a beer?
Hey, just 'cause you can't have a liquid lunch,
doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer.
-Andrew! -It's okay. It's okay. I've got this.
Okay, buddy, why don't we get you some coffee?
Why don't we not?
Besides, I believe everybody is waiting to hear
how you're gonna sprinkle your magic fairy dust
and whip this company into shape. Am I right?
-You need to go now. -Get your hands off me!
Andrew!
Sam, are you okay?
[clears throat]
I'm fine.
But if you don't mind, I think I'll take the rest of the day off.
[door opens and closes]
See? Told you he was a slacker.
-Lynette, what can I do for you? -Hey, Jimmy.
My son came home from Europe
and is engaged to a beautiful Russian girl.
-Congratulations. -I hate her.
-Okay. -Anyway,
this is my grandmother's ring, and Preston wants to give it to her.
She's very lucky.
-She's not getting this. -Okay.
Because you are going to find me a cheap copy.
I can try, but she's probably gonna know the difference.
Oh, I'm counting on it. Irina is quite the opportunist.
Five seconds after she gets it, she'll have that piece of glass appraised,
and when she finds out my son has given her [gasps] a fake,
I'm betting that little Russian parasite will be looking for a new host body.
But when your son finds out, isn't he going to be mad?
That's why I keep having kids, Jimmy. To replace the ones who hate me.
MJ's asleep. Are you coming to bed?
I miss you.
What, you need somebody to do your hair?
You know us sensitive men are good at that.
Please don't pout. You are all man.
You're one of the strongest, most macho men I know.
Now, come upstairs.
I don't have to come upstairs to show you that.
[exclaims in surprise] What are you doing?
I can show you how macho I am right here.
Don't you think our bed is a bit more comfortable?
-Beds are for wimps. -Okay, that was MJ's lunch.
-And now I'm getting rid of this T-shirt. -[chuckles]
-God, what is this made of? -Here, let me take it off.
-No! I'm ripping it. -Oh!
Mike, you don't have anything to prove here.
Where are the scissors? I just want to make a little starter cut. [groans]
-Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I like it rough.
I'm glad that you're having fun, but my back is hurting,
-so let me get on top. -No! No! I'm on top.
Seriously, Mike, I'm on a salt shaker.
[grunts]
Sweetie? Are you okay?
No, not really.
Honestly, if I had known that you were going to get this upset
about Katherine...
It's not about Katherine. It's you. And it's not even really about you.
It's me.
Okay, just how hard did you hit your head?
The loan, Susan. You paid off my loan.
Well, isn't that a little 1956 of you?
I grew up watching a man who didn't provide for his family,
and I always swore that was one thing I was gonna do.
I'll never be rich, I'll never be famous,
but I can be a guy who takes care of his family.
In that case, I will cancel the check tomorrow,
and you can pay the loan off by yourself.
Thank you.
Hey, you know that 1956 thing?
Hmm?
-It's kind of sexy. -Really?
-Mmm-hmm. -Mmm.
[giggles]
Ana, this is my 17th message. You might as well pick up the phone,
because I am not leaving New York until I see you.
Tell me, what exactly are you planning to do?
Find Ana, cut the purse strings, destroy her hopes and dreams,
then catch a Broadway show.
Oh, my gosh! Hi, guys! Hi!
Angie, you met Luke,
and of course you recognize the beautiful Paulina Porizkova.
She and I go way back. How have you been? Give me a hug!
Why?
What's wrong?
You treated me like dirt, and now you want a hug?
What are you talking about? You remember all the fun we had
doing that photo shoot on the beach in Brazil?
What I remember is getting you that job when you were just starting out,
and then freezing on the sand for three hours
while you bitched because they couldn't find
the exact right shade of lipstick that would make you look pretty.
I see you still haven't found it.
You know, I really don't think I need to meet any more of your friends.
I'm gonna go call Nick.
[scoffs]
Can you believe Paulina? What was that about?
-You're kidding, right? -[scoffs]
Okay, maybe I threw a little attitude once in a while.
You didn't throw it, honey. You heaved it.
Oh, come on. I was no worse than a lot of other girls.
No, sweetie. You were the queen bitch diva.
Insulting photographers, upsetting booking agents.
That's why your career went down in flames.
No, my career ended because I decided to marry Carlos.
You remember. I called you the night he proposed.
Yeah, and I told you to grab that brass ring,
because I knew it was over for you. And you did, too.
Or else you never would have left.
Excuse me. I think I'm in the wrong place.
-Does Sam Allen live here? -That one. But he's not here.
Oh. Well, I guess I'll just leave these on his porch.
If you want the dogs to eat it. Put it inside. It's unlocked.
Mrs. Hodge?
What are you doing with a picture of Rex?
I'm waiting.
He was my father.
What?
This is not how I wanted you to find out. I am so sorry.
Bree! Let me explain!
Irina really loved the ring, Mom.
That's why she wanted to go right to a jeweler to get it sized.
-Good. -Listen, I know I sprang this on you,
but once you get to know her, you'll see what I see in her.
I am looking forward to when we both see the same thing.
Hello, everyone.
-[Tom] Hey, Irina! -[Lynette] Hey!
You hungry? Mom made lentil soup. I told her it was your favorite.
-Your mother is full of thoughts. -In English we say "thoughtful."
-Yes. -Hey, you're not wearing your ring.
Gee, I hope there's not a problem.
I am all day thinking about this ring.
I do not want it.
But Preston said you loved it.
I do, but it is too precious.
This ring has been in your family for generations,
and for you to give it to woman you don't know, it feels wrong.
Save it for Penny.
Wow. What a classy thing to do. Thank you, Irina.
You can buy me another ring.
You sure? Nana's ring is worth a lot more than anything I can afford.
Yes, Preston. I know exactly how much it is worth,
but I want your mother to know I am full of thoughts, too.
So, let's eat! Come on, Preston, get her a chair.
[Preston] Yeah, yeah, you don't have to tell me.
Here you go, honey.
Now, we're having a little salad...
Wow. Two visits in 18 years. It's getting monotonous.
I need to tell you something.
About Patrick.
This again?
Fine.
What about the great and powerful Patrick Logan?
First you have to promise you won't ever tell Danny.
Ana! There you are.
-I have nothing to say to you. -Wait, wait, wait!
Just give me five minutes. If you don't like what I have to say,
-then you can tell me to go to hell. -Two minutes.
I'll meet you inside.
Before you start, I know you sent me to New York
just to get me away from Danny.
True. I begged Luke to take you, and he did me a favor.
-I knew it! -But it turns out
I was doing him a favor, too,
because he thinks you're really talented.
-He said that? -He also thinks
you're a petulant, whiny, spoiled brat, just like I was,
and that's gonna kill your career, just like it killed mine.
-I thought you were successful. -I was.
Until everyone was tired of putting up with my crap.
So I want you to go back to Luke, apologize,
and start acting like a professional. Modeling can be a great ride.
I don't want you to be kicked off before it's over.
Like I was.
Mom, I know you're here for me, but I'm not going.
All right, Grandma wants me to stay.
No. I don't.
-What did you say to her? -She didn't have to say anything.
Your mother knows what's best.
But we have a relationship now, hmm?
We're gonna talk to each other all the time.
-Really? -I promise.
But as long as you're here, neither one of us is safe.
Now, go pack your stuff.
Hi. Do you by any chance know who that woman is talking to Rose?
Yeah, that's her daughter, Angie.
Really? I haven't seen her around here. Where's she visiting from?
Fairview.
Still out there. You really should talk to him.
-[sighs] I have nothing to say. -Bree, he's 26.
He was born before you and Rex were married.
Fidelity is not the issue. Rex had a secret life.
Fine. Be mad at Rex, not at that young man. He's innocent.
He showed up to work for me
and didn't tell me that he was my dead husband's son.
-[sighs] What does he want? -There's only one way to find out.
You told me you wanted to explain. You have two minutes.
My mother and father met at a bar.
He was single. So was she.
They had one night together, and then he went away.
When she found out she was pregnant, she called him.
He had just met you, and said he was in love.
He offered to support her financially, but my mom, who was very proud,
turned him down.
-But he did visit you. -A few times.
But my mom asked him to stop because it was too hard on me.
-And did you ever see him again? -Yes.
From right here.
I used to ride my bike over.
I'd watch you and Andrew and Danielle.
I wanted to understand why my father would choose all of you over me.
And I did.
You were all so perfect.
[sighs]
My mom died six months ago.
That's when I decided I needed to meet you.
-Why didn't you tell me who you were? -Because I wanted you to like me.
And I wasn't sure you would.
You look cold.
Why don't you come into the house, and I'll make you some hot chocolate
and we can talk.
Oh! Hey!
Yeah, not to put any pressure on you, but I caught the bouquet.
Oh.
Do we need to talk?
We haven't since it happened.
First of all, you are a wonderful, beautiful person.
[sighs] Oh. Yowza.
I was drunk.
I didn't even know what I was doing until I was doing it, and then, well...
The other night was a mistake. And I'm so sorry.
That is complete crap.
What?
I'm not gonna let you blame what happened on being drunk.
Okay, then.
You know what I've been through recently,
and maybe I was trying to forget that with you,
but I am not attracted to women, so, no matter what it was,
it doesn't count.
I know how you touched me,
and I... I saw the look in your eyes when I touched you.
You may deny it now, but we connected.
And it counted.
Okay.
It counted.
Thank you.
Hey. You want an extra pillow?
There's empty seats in the back. I'm just gonna go sleep there.
-[clearing throat] You okay? -Yeah. I'm just tired.
Well, you may have picked up on this trip
that I haven't always been a good person.
I'm gonna work on that, starting with you.
Did Danny say there were seats in the back?
No, no, no. Come on, come on. I'm serious. I'm serious. Look.
I know you have a secret.
Carlos and I overheard you and Nick fighting.
[whispering] Something about "blowing your cover"?
Don't worry, I didn't tell anybody. I just...
I just want you to know
that I've carried around a lot of secrets, and I know how lonely it can feel.
So, if you ever need a friend...
[sighs]
Okay.
When I was 18, I wanted to save the planet.
I organized protests against logging companies, big oil, auto plants...
But then I got involved with a bad guy. A really bad guy.
He convinced me that we had to get more aggressive.
Long story short,
someone got killed.
So, this bad guy...
You're not talking about Nick, are you?
No, he's the one who helped me run away from the psycho.
So, who's the psycho?
Danny's father.
[Mary Alice] It's not always easy to see someone's true colors.
Sometimes, you must look beneath the masculine veneer
to find that fragile ego.
You must ignore the sparkle of the jewel
to know you're looking at a fake.
You must bring the truth out of the shadows
to see the beauty of its smile.
Yes, people hide their true nature from us every day,
and sadly, we only find out when it's too late.
Mr. Logan? It's Iris Beckley. I live next to Rose DeLuca.
You told me to give you a ring if I ever saw Rose's daughter.
No. No, no, no. I'll tell you where she lives when I get my $1,000.