[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives.
This thief is trying to steal your truck!
You the guy who's four months behind on his payments?
Yeah.
Mike reluctantly borrowed money from Carlos.
Tell me how much you need.
Andrew did his homework.
I made a few calls.
Turns out, the golden child never got his degree.
I left school when the doctor told me my mother was terminal.
I can save you a phone call and bring in her death certificate.
That's okay. [clears throat]
The worst mistake I ever made in my life was having you.
A killer got an invitation.
We would like it if you would move in with us.
Okay.
And Angie revealed her past.
I got involved with a really bad guy.
Danny's father.
[Mary Alice] Many years ago, a terrorist fell in love with a woman.
[alarm ringing]
This woman believed in the terrorist and his cause.
Until an undercover agent showed up, determined to stop them.
The terrorist wanted to attack those he felt were hurting the planet.
So he got the woman to help him build a bomb.
But something went wrong, and someone was killed.
The terrorist didn't care. He said it was unavoidable.
The woman wanted to turn herself in, but she was pregnant.
So the agent convinced her to run away with him.
And he'd raise the child as his own.
So they escaped from the terrorist,
hoping and praying
he would never find them.
Unfortunately, he did.
Hey, if it isn't double cappuccino, extra hot.
[laughs] You know me so well.
Just made chocolate scones. Interested?
What the hell? Might as well live dangerously.
-So, how's the novel coming? -Almost done. Endings are a bitch.
I really need to surprise my audience.
Hey, I know you're my dad,
but you still got to close the door when you come in.
-Oh, sorry. -Thanks.
No, I was just going to ask you something.
You want to join your old man for a run tonight?
Dad, you don't run, you jog.
And, no.
Come on. I'll be going by the park. It'll be real pretty.
I'm working Eddie's shift tonight. I'm going to be here late.
But I am proud of you.
-Keep it up. -Yeah.
Thanks, coach. See you at home.
That's your dad?
Yeah. I should have introduced you. You'd like him.
Yeah, I bet I would. So, he's a runner?
Every night, even when he's sick. You can't stop him.
[both chuckle]
He's pretty inspiring.
Inspiring?
Don't guys your age usually hate their dads?
We've had our issues. But my dad's sacrificed a lot for me.
I figure this is how I pay him back.
You're right.
Payback's really important.
All right, back in a bit.
-How long you going to be? -Just long enough to get a little sweaty.
-You be careful. -Yep.
[Mary Alice] It took the terrorist 20 years to
find the people who had betrayed him.
What the...
[tires screeching]
And his plan for revenge was just getting started.
[Mary Alice] Our mothers tell us to beware of mysterious men.
Don't talk to them in the park.
Don't take their candy.
Don't get into their cars.
And whatever you do, don't let them into the house.
But what do we do when Mother has already invited them in?
Oh, my gosh! Eddie, what have you done?
I saw you were running low on supplies, so I went to the store for you.
Aw. You didn't need to do that.
Hey, you're cool enough to take me in, I got to earn my keep somehow.
I bought fresh vegetables.
Okay, now you're just trying to make me cry.
[buzzing]
-Is that the laundry? I'll get that. -That's okay. It's Porter's turn.
I can't, Mom. I'm late.
You can spare five minutes to put clothes in the dryer.
No, I can't. Jeremy and Dave are waiting to take me to the mall.
You are not leaving wet clothes in that washer.
Mom, chill. It's water.
Hey, don't talk to your mother like that.
[car horn honking]
Okay, that's my ride. I've got to go.
Uh-uh, after the laundry.
God, what a bitch.
[grunting]
-Hey! Hey! -Tell her you're sorry!
-Get off me! -Apologize!
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
He shouldn't talk to you like that!
Okay, okay! I'm sure he's very sorry! Stop! Stop it! Stop! Let him up!
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
Go join your friends. Go on.
[exhales]
I'm sorry.
I just can't watch you be disrespected.
I'll take care of the laundry.
Hey, Carlos. Here's the money...
For the church raffle! Thanks, Mike.
Now Sister Mary can finally replace her wooden...
-Gabby's home. -Oh, God, sorry.
I just wanted to bring you the first payment for the loan.
And thanks again. You really saved my ass.
-No problem. -And just so you know,
I'm making a lot of cutbacks so I can pay you back quicker.
No vacations, basic cable. I even convinced MJ
that Mrs. McCluskey's house is summer camp.
[chuckles] Look, don't go crazy. Just pay it back when you can.
And let's make sure Gabby doesn't find out.
So she can tell Susan? No problem.
-I've got to get going. -All right.
Hey, and give my best to Sister Carrie!
Mary.
Mary!
[sighs]
-Whoa. -I know, right?
It's the middle of the afternoon. What are you doing?
Why don't you come upstairs and find out?
[exhales deeply]
-No, thanks. I can't afford it. -What?
Every time you offer me afternoon sex, it's because you want something,
and it is not afternoon sex.
[scoffs]
All right, fine. Check this out.
Where were you even hiding this?
That is a ski chalet in Aspen. It's for sale, and I want it.
Sorry, hon. Not going to happen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That was just my opening offer.
What if I see your afternoon sex, and raise you honeymoon sex?
No, no, I can't. All of our cash is tied up in a business deal.
What kind of business deal?
You don't want me to bore you with the details.
Half that money is mine. Bore me!
This conversation is over.
Now, if you're interested in going upstairs
and making love to your husband simply because you...
Okay.
Like it? I've been practicing all day.
Susan? Why is there a big-ass piano in our house?
Actually, "Big Ass" stopped making pianos.
This is a Yamaha.
So, I'm curious,
how much did this thing cost?
It was free.
You remember dear, sweet, 98-year-old Aunt Regina?
The one you called "the crypt keeper"?
Mike, that was okay when she was alive,
now she's a dead lady giving us really cool stuff, so a little respect?
-Okay. As long as it was free. -Yeah.
But as far as Gabby's concerned, it cost 30 grand.
What? Why?
Well, I love Gabby. But for years, she has been flaunting
how much they spend on her house, and her car, and her jewelry.
And this is my turn to flaunt. And I can't flaunt with a free piano.
Don't stoop to her level. You're better than that.
No, I'm really not.
Susan, I am not kidding.
You are not telling Gabby we paid for this piano.
Mike, please! This is my chance! My aunt had a stroke while driving.
When am I ever going to get that lucky again?
[sighs]
You're not going to believe this. They're out of cilantro.
How can a market be out of cilantro?
I don't know, but I told that clerk she should hang her head in shame.
As well you should. So, what else do we need?
Let's head over to the kosher aisle.
I need a few items for the Schwartzman bar mitzvah.
We need baking soda. I'll get it.
[exclaims] Sam.
Please, not now.
What the hell are you even doing here?
I lost my job. I had to work someplace.
You already got the baking soda.
Boy, I would lose my head if it wasn't screwed on.
Who was that woman?
Nobody. Someone I used to know.
Oh. Is everything all right?
I was telling her that it doesn't make sense for a store this big
to run out of a major herb.
I think we should check out Hudson's market.
-But that's downtown. -We need cilantro, don't we? Come on.
Hey.
Hey, you brought me flowers.
Well, I wanted to get you a T-shirt that said,
"I'm a moron who wears dark clothes when I run at night,"
but the gift shop was out.
So, who did this to you?
-Did you see them? -No.
Damn. What kind of a person hits you and just drives away?
Maybe the kind of person who wanted to hit me.
Wait, you said you didn't see them.
I didn't. But Ang, I'm telling you, this guy,
he drives past me, he turns around, and swerves right into me.
-Oh, my God. -Where's Danny?
He fell asleep in the waiting room.
We've been here all night. You want me to get him?
No, no. Listen, I need you guys to go home, grab the IDs, some money,
whatever you can stuff into a couple of bags.
But you're not exactly travel-ready, Nick.
Absolutely not.
The place we talked about, near Carbondale, just for a few weeks.
No! Not without you.
I'll send Danny. But you and me, this is as far as we run.
Well, what if it is Patrick? What are we going to do?
We've been asking that question for 20 years.
I guess now we're going to find out.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Sure.
It's about what happened with Porter.
-Are you mad? You're mad. -No, I'm not.
-But you want me to leave. -No, no. I just want to talk.
You looked like you really wanted to hurt him.
And I kind of need to know what that's about.
Your family doesn't seem to care how much you help them.
You're a great mom and they just push you around.
It made me angry.
Yes, I saw that.
And sometimes my family can be unappreciative.
But what happened today can never happen again.
I know.
Listen, I grew up with an alcoholic mother.
I know what it feels like to be angry all the time.
But when I was your age, I had to find a way
to control myself.
How did you do that?
A lot of help. One thing, I had a great counselor at school.
And she taught me that whenever I was about to lose it,
that I should do this...
[exhales]
One, two, three...
That really works?
It really does.
It gives you a chance to step back, feel like you're in control.
You should try it next time. You'll see.
Okay.
Mmm.
I'm really sorry about what I did.
It's fine. Just don't ever do it again.
But thank you for wanting to.
Come on, Larry, you're my business manager, too!
I am not leaving this office until you tell me
what Carlos is doing with my ski house money!
Gabby, you're putting me in an uncomfortable position.
-You should talk to Carlos. -I did.
I offered to put myself in a very uncomfortable position,
and he still said no.
I'm sorry, but Carlos swore me to secrecy.
Please respect that.
You're right. I'm sorry. No hard feelings.
Of course not. Hey! What are you doing?
I don't want to be a liar.
When I go home, and I'm in tears, and Carlos asks me why,
and I say you grabbed my ass,
I want to be telling the truth.
Well played.
Carlos gave $50,000 to one of your neighbors.
-What? Who? -A Mike Delfino.
Apparently, his business is in big trouble.
Oh, my God. Mike's wife is one of my closest friends,
and she never said a word.
-Poor thing. -Please don't tell Carlos I told you.
Of course. I should get going.
-Do you have parking validation? -Those are only for employees.
Okay, you can take mine.
Motel, food, incidentals, $300.
You can order pay-per-view, I don't even care if you buy beer.
Just stay in your room as much as you can. Okay?
This is stupid. It's been 20 years.
Have you actually seen or heard from this Patrick Logan guy?
Do you know for a fact that he's even still alive?
Danny, I'm not going to debate this with you.
If he started this group you guys are in, then isn't he on the run, too?
He's got bigger problems than getting revenge.
Just humor me, okay? Because if I'm wrong, all I am is wrong.
But if I'm not, I...
Please, just humor me.
[cashier on PA] Checkstand 1 is now open...
Hello.
I saw you the other day, talking to my friend Sam.
I'm Bree, by the way.
-I know who you are. -Oh.
Well, this is none of my business,
but I noticed that there was some tension between you two.
You could say that.
Well, I hope everything is okay.
What is it you want?
Well, I don't know. There was just something so odd about that encounter.
I don't understand why he would talk to a friend like that.
Maybe that's because I'm not his friend.
I'm his mother.
My manager said I could take a break early.
We've got five minutes.
Are you aware that Sam goes around telling people that you're...
Dead?
-Yes, I heard. -Why would he do that?
He's a complicated boy.
[sighs]
Did Sam tell you who his father was?
He told me about your relationship with my husband,
if that's what you're referring to.
Did he also mention the letter that Rex sent to me?
What letter?
It was after you were married.
Rex had just started his practice
and, apparently, the money was pouring in.
Rex wrote and told me he could give Sam a better life.
He then asked for full-time custody.
I'm guessing he never told you that.
It must've slipped his mind.
I politely declined his offer.
And did Sam know about this?
Not until a few months ago, when he found the letter.
When he realized that he could have lived all those years with his dad
in a fancy house,
he was beyond livid.
Even so, how could he go around pretending that you're dead?
Like I said, he's a complicated boy.
Gabby, hi.
Hi, Susan.
I just got back from the supermarket and realized I bought way too much.
I'm afraid some of it's going to go bad, so I thought, "Who could I give this to?"
And I randomly thought of you.
You're afraid that canned peaches and condensed milk are going to go bad?
Well, it's just, my cupboards are cluttered,
and you'd be doing me a huge favor.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh!
Hey, as long as you're here, I want to show you something.
Wow.
We just got it. MJ is going to take lessons.
Sure you don't want to start him off with, say, a used upright?
No way. Me wanny, me likey, me getty.
[giggles]
May I ask how much this costy?
Well, Mike doesn't like me throwing around numbers,
but let's just say your jaw would drop [whispers] 30,000 times.
-What... -That's one.
This is none of my business,
but is this really the best time to buy something this expensive?
I mean, didn't Mike just have his truck repossessed?
Things finally turned around. He got a big cash infusion.
You don't say.
Anyway, I know you guys don't have a piano,
so if you ever want the girls to take lessons...
Well, thank you. I got to go. Enjoy your peaches.
-You owe me $50,000! -What?
For your information, Mike's "big cash infusion" cost me my ski house!
What are you talking about?
Don't play dumb.
Carlos loaned Mike the 50 grand and you know it!
Why are you looking like you don't know it?
He told me business picked up.
Well, he lied.
Just like Carlos lied to me about where our money went.
Which you went and spent on a piano!
No, no. I didn't.
I inherited it. I was trying to make you jealous.
Honey, given different circumstances, that so would've worked.
This is unbelievable.
I have the money from the strip club sitting in the bank,
and Mike would rather borrow it from you guys?
I'm about to screech at my husband. You might want to stand back.
No, no, no, no, no. I have a better idea.
There you are!
Hey.
Hey, Mr. Scavo.
-How was the flight? -Horrible.
It was delayed, there was turbulence, they ran out of food.
And I'm not seeing a plate covered with tinfoil here.
There was one, but one of our 50 children must have inhaled it.
Damn it.
-Okay, calm down... -Lynette, no! I'm hungry.
You know, when you were working, I always had food waiting for you.
That's right. You were very considerate in your eighth month.
I'm sorry. I keep forgetting,
you're the only person who's ever been pregnant before.
Relax, relax. We'll just order a pizza.
And wait an hour? Forget it. I'll fend for myself.
...six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11...
Eddie, it's okay. I'm fine.
There's nothing in here!
Come on, Lynette, you didn't go to the store today?
Sweetie, you might want to take it down a notch.
I have been in three cities in two days.
You'd think you'd find the time to go to the market!
-Twenty-one, 22. -What the hell is he doing?
-Eddie, it's okay. -Twenty-three, 24.
Tell him to stick a sock in it.
Twenty-six, 27!
-Okay. You need to kiss me. Here. -Why?
Okay, there, we're good. That's okay. He loves me.
[panting]
We'll talk about it later.
So, Eddie attacked our son?
Okay, I'd use "attack," but with a small "a."
Okay, that's it.
I want him out, and that's with a big "O."
Look, Eddie is not some exchange student from France.
He comes from an abusive home.
We have to accept he has some baggage.
So I have to wonder if he's going to punch me
any time I raise my voice to you?
I am not sending him back to live with that woman, Tom.
How about therapy? That might help.
Now we're going to pay for his therapy?
Okay, here's a thought, how about we all stop yelling at me?
What a concept, "Be nice to Lynette."
Fine, we'll try the therapy.
All these weeks, Sam has been going on about how his mother was dead,
and the whole time she's been at Howe's market
in a smock, stacking cans.
I guess my instincts about Sam were right, wouldn't you say?
What did I say about gloating?
Something. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about how right I was.
-Okay, I'll stop. I know you're upset. -You have no idea.
When Sam first showed up, I felt like I got a little piece of Rex back.
It was wonderful.
But this has forced me to remember that Rex was a liar, too.
Sorry. Am I interrupting something?
-Orson, would you please excuse us? -Of course.
-Everything all right? -Actually, Sam...
Wait, wait, I'm still here.
I went back to the supermarket today.
Oh.
I take it you met my mother.
Why did you say she was dead?
She is dead to me.
So you admit that you lied?
Did she tell you I found a letter my father wrote,
begging her to let me come live with him?
That's hardly an excuse.
I was four.
He said he could give me all the advantages she couldn't.
But she wouldn't let him.
She loved you. She wanted you by her side!
She should have wanted more for me!
Andrew got bicycles for Christmas and TVs for his birthday!
I had to sit in a trailer and do my homework with mittens on
because my mom couldn't afford to pay the heating bill!
If she had loved me,
she would have let me live the life that I was entitled to!
I'm going to
[sniffles]
talk to the Schwartzmans about their bar mitzvah.
If you want to go over the menu later, let me know.
Hey, how did it go?
-It was kind of weird, but it was okay. -Yeah?
I think you did very good work today, Eddie.
Now the restroom is down the hall, second door on the right.
-Okay. -I'll be here.
So you said "good work." Does that mean it went well?
That means, Eddie's got some issues,
and it's going to take time to work through them.
Okay. How much more time at $130 an hour?
Well, it would go a lot faster if we could get his mother in here.
But he seems to think there's no way she'd agree to that.
Really? If you think it'll help, I can get her in here.
That would be great.
Okay, and then... And then everything will be okay, right?
Let's just get the mother in here.
Barbara, it's Lynette Scavo.
Barbara, we need to talk about Eddie.
Hey, are you looking for Barbara Orlofsky?
Yeah, do you know where she is?
No. Nobody's seen her for days. And her car's still there. It's weird.
Hey.
There's this crazy rumor going around that you've got something for me.
Just an apology.
Well, as long as it comes with one of your muffins, I may just accept it.
Andrew.
Orson told me about Sam.
You were right from the start. I never should have trusted him.
Wow. I don't even need the muffin now.
Now that that's settled, what are we going to do about Sam?
That's easy. We get rid of him.
I don't think it's going to be that simple.
Why not?
I saw a side to him last night that I've never seen before.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of him.
Hi, Susan, thanks for having us over for dinner.
Well, actually, dinner was just an excuse.
I wanted to show you something.
[gasps] Oh, my God. You bought a piano?
Yes!
And I wanted you to be the first to see it!
-Wow. That looks pricey. -Mmm-hmm.
$30,000, plus delivery, and tax, and a biannual tuning fee.
But Mike's on his way down.
Do me a favor, and don't let on that you know how much it cost.
-Why not? -He thinks it's ostentatious,
and he's a little embarrassed.
In fact, he keeps telling everyone that I inherited it from my aunt.
-So, just go with it. -Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
That's okay, honey. I'm going to check on dinner.
We're going to check on dinner.
Dude, we need to talk. A piano?
Oh, God, don't worry about it. We didn't buy it.
Susan inherited it from her dead aunt.
Wow, without even blinking.
Would anyone mind helping me set the table?
-Carlos will do it. -Great.
And Mike, maybe you and Gabby can get the wine?
So, you and Carlos have any big plans for the summer?
You taking any trips?
[crying]
Gabby?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Look, if you need to talk, Susan's in the other room.
I think Carlos is having an affair.
What? Why would you think that?
Because he's been acting really secretive lately.
And I went to talk to our business manager,
and I discovered $50,000 was missing from our account.
Well, I'm sure there's a good explanation.
Yeah, there is.
It's called fancy dresses and hotel rooms for some bimbo.
No, no, no. I'm sure that you've got that all wrong.
Wait a minute. Are you covering for him?
No! I...
Because I stole his cell phone to see who he was talking to,
and he called your house, like, 100 times.
-Well, he hasn't been talking to me. -Really?
Well, the next time he's not talking to you,
you might want to give him the name of your divorce lawyer.
I'm so glad you guys were free tonight.
We've been wanting to do this for such a long... Oh, my God!
-What's wrong? -My earring! It's missing!
Damn it, I just got them today!
I'm sure it's somewhere.
Oh, here it is!
That would've been 3 grand out the window.
You bought $3,000 earrings?
Of course not. Mike did.
He's so generous, especially now that we're loaded again.
You know, Carlos, I never noticed before
you have a really veiny forehead.
Hey, buddy, we've got a bit of a problem.
No kidding.
Wait, you know? Did Gabby say something?
No. I heard it all from Susan.
Well, it's not surprising, the way those two talk.
Well, luckily, it's not true.
Come on, Mike. Let's stop the lies. It is true and we both know it.
-It is? -Don't act surprised.
God, this whole thing was a mistake. I never should've written that check.
You paid for it? Oh, man.
Dinner is ready!
-Susan, everything smells so good. -Thanks.
You want some meatballs, Carlos?
I've got two nice big ones for you right here.
Nope. I'm fine.
I saw that.
Saw what?
You leering at Susan's breasts.
I was looking at the pasta.
Susan's breasts just happened to be hovering nearby.
Gabby, leave Carlos alone.
Oh, my God, it's you.
Excuse me?
You're the one Carlos is having an affair with!
-What? -What?
It makes perfect sense.
That's why there were all those phone calls to this house
-from his cell phone! -You looked at my cell phone?
Yes. And thank God I did! Whore!
Shamelessly shoving your meatballs in my husband's face!
There was no shoving! Sometimes they spontaneously heave.
Have you lost your mind? I am not having an affair with Susan.
Mike, you believe me, right?
Yeah, I guess. It's just...
Why are you calling over here all the time?
I'm not! I always call your cell!
Susan, say something!
Forget it, Carlos. We might as well confess.
Confess what?
You wouldn't take my money when you were in trouble.
And, well, I've always known that Carlos had a thing for me,
so I told him that I would sleep with him if he would loan you money.
[gasps]
You son of a bitch!
[Carlos] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't touch her!
All I did was help a friend, who screwed me over
buying diamond earrings and grand pianos.
I told you, the piano was a gift from Susan's aunt.
You bought diamond earrings?
Yeah, with the $50,000 that you borrowed from Carlos.
-You know? -Yeah.
So, you two were just...
Screwing with you! Yes!
So, tell me, Mike. Do you feel betrayed? Humiliated?
Good. Because I only did this to show you what it feels like
when the person that is supposed to love you the most lies to you.
Well, I just did it because I want a ski chalet.
I just keep trying to think what I can say so you'll know how sorry I am.
Well, I do know.
And I'm not looking for another apology.
What I am looking for is your word
that you will never freeze me out like this again.
I swear.
[sighs]
Good.
So, is this everything?
Yep.
You sure you don't want me to walk you through it?
No. I just want to get a sense of where we stand.
If I have any questions, I'll ask you later.
[sighs]
Why are they putting you in a coma on purpose?
Your brain seems fine. It's not like you think you're Napoleon.
You don't think you're Napoleon, do you?
There was some swelling when they brought me in.
Now it's pushing against my skull.
They say this is going to relieve it.
-So how long are you going to be out? -Couple of days.
And you know where you're going to be?
With Danny.
Actually, I was thinking about bringing him back.
No way.
It's been three days. Nothing's happened.
I'm starting to think you were wrong.
No, Ang, we're not taking any chances.
All right, you know what?
If I got to drive you out of town myself, I'll do it.
No. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
If it'll keep you from killing yourself, I will go stay with Danny.
Thank you.
You're easy to get along with. You know that?
[Patrick] Hey, Angie.
You don't seem surprised to see me.
Don't bother running upstairs. I already found your gun.
Come on, after all this time,
there's got to be something you want to say to me.
Go to hell.
Couldn't you come up with something more original than that?
I guess all this suburban living forces you to think in clichés.
So it was you. You ran over Nick.
Would you believe me if I told you it was an accident?
I sent Danny away. You will never find him.
That's okay. We're not that close, seeing as how you stole him from me.
Are you going to kill me?
No.
I need you alive.
You are going to do me a favor.
What kind of favor?
Can we discuss it in the morning?
I've had an exhausting couple of days,
what with searching your house for firearms
and running down Dudley Douchebag.
So, which way to the guest room?
You think I'm going to let you stay here?
How are you going to stop me?
If you call the cops, they'll arrest you and lover boy.
Aren't you afraid I'll kill you in your sleep?
Angie, if the last 20 years have taught us anything,
it's that you're not comfortable killing people.
And if you decide to run away,
just make sure you stop by the hospital and say goodbye to Nick,
because he won't be around much longer after you've gone.
Patrick, please. Don't hurt him.
Just do what I tell you, baby, and I'll let you both live.
[Mary Alice] Mysterious men.
They make promises they have no intention of keeping.
They tell lies to get what they want.
They may be more dangerous than they seem.
Yes, our mothers told us we cannot trust the men we don't know.
And those we do know, well,
we can't always trust them, either.