PREVIOUSLY ON...
I DON'T FEEL WELL.
SUSAN'S HEALTH TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE.
(thud) SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1.
YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SO MUCH, KEITH.
ONE RELATIONSHIP CAME TO A BITTERSWEET END.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. GET OUT! FORGIVE ME, PLEASE.
PLEASE! I LOVE YOU. NO, YOU DON'T.
AND ANOTHER ENDED IN BETRAYAL.
(cries)
(Mary Alice) THE SUBURBS ARE FULL OF PARENTS,
AND EACH PARENT HAS THEIR OWN STYLE.
THERE'S THE DISCIPLINARIAN...
THE SMOTHERER...
AND THE NEGOTIATOR...
BUT THE ONE THING THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON...
IS THEY LOVE TO JUDGE
THE PARENTS NEXT DOOR.
(sighs) TAKE YOUR SISTER INSIDE, SWEETIE.
I NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH LEE.
(knock on door)
(violin playing)
HI! I SEE JENNY'S PRACTICING AGAIN.
TWO HOURS A DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK. (chuckles)
WOW. SHE IS REALLY INTO THAT VIOLIN.
SOMETIMES. MOSTLY I HAVE TO FORCE HER TO DO IT.
OHH. BIG MISTAKE.
REALLY? SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE AN UNSOLICITED OPINION.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NEW TO THIS PARENTING THING,
SO I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW IT WORKS--
YOU CAN'T FORCE A KID TO DO STUFF,
'CAUSE THEN IT JUST LEADS TO A LOT OF DOOR SLAMMING
AND NAME-CALLING, AND THEN THE KID GETS ANGRY, TOO.
(both laugh)
WELL, HERE'S THE WAY I THINK IT WORKS--
JENNY TOLD US SHE WANTS TO PLAY THE VIOLIN,
SO IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE SURE SHE STICKS WITH IT. BY PUSHING HER.
I'M NOT PUSHING HER.
(speaks Mandarin)
WHAT? SHE WANTED TO LEARN MANDARIN.
LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO DEVALUE THE TWO AND A HALF WEEKS
YOU'VE HAD AS A FATHER. I'M SIMPLY TELLING YOU WHAT WORKS.
SO LET ME ASK YOU--WHAT'S JUANITA PURSUING ON HER OWN?
HUH?
AS YOU KNOW, THE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW IS COMING UP.
JENNY'S PLAYING THE VIOLIN. WHAT'S JUANITA GOING TO DO?
WELL, THAT'S HARD TO SAY.
SEE, THE BEAUTY OF MY METHOD
IS THAT JUANITA HAS EXPLORED SO MANY... THINGS,
IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHICH ONE TO SHOWCASE.
WELL, THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING--
TWO DIFFERENT PARENTING PHILOSOPHIES
AND A TALENT SHOW TO PROVE WHICH ONE OF US IS RIGHT...
IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE.
YES. WILL IT BE THE OVERBEARING, HYPERCRITICAL FATHER...
OR THE LOVING MOM WHO STILL LOOKS HOT IN THESE SWEATS?
GAME ON.
(door closes)
(TV playing indistinctly)
HEY, SWEETIE, I HEARD THE TALENT SHOW'S COMING UP.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? OH, IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT. WATCH.
(giggles)
(squeaking)
YES, EACH PARENT HAS THEIR OWN STYLE.
BUT DEEP DOWN,
THEY'RE ALL AFRAID THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG.
THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT BRING US PLEASURE--
BAKING FOR OUR FRIENDS...
HAVING A GOOD LAUGH...
DONATING TO CHARITY.
BUT THE THINGS THAT BRING US PLEASURE
MAY NOT BE ENOUGH TO GIVE OUR LIVES MEANING...
WITHOUT SOMEONE TO LOVE.
(door opens)
(door closes)
MORNING, DEAR. JUST BACK FROM THE STORE.
WHAT THE HELL?
I THOUGHT FOR DINNER, I COULD MAKE THOSE LAMB CHOPS
YOU LOVE SO MUCH. I GOT A GREAT TIP FROM THE BUTCHER
ON SEARING THE MEAT FIRST. I KICKED YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
OH, DEAR. YOU'RE STILL ANGRY WITH ME.
BUT YOU KNOW, PAUL, EVERY COUPLE HAS THEIR FIGHTS.
AND I'LL ADMIT, OURS WAS A DOOZY.
THAT WASN'T A FIGHT. THAT WAS THE END.
Y-YOU DON'T MEAN THAT. YOU'RE JUST UPSET.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE WILL GET PAST THIS.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WOULD TAKE YOU BACK?
WAIT. I GET IT.
THIS IS ANOTHER PLOY COOKED UP BY YOUR SICK MOTHER.
MY MOTHER.
YES.
SHE'S THE ONE YOU'RE MAD AT.
IT'S ALL HER FAULT.
SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE A MONSTER WHO KILLED AUNT MARTHA.
BUT THEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
AND I REALIZED...
YOU NEVER COULD HAVE DONE SUCH A THING.
IT WAS ALL A LIE.
OH, BETH. THAT WAS NO LIE.
YOU DON'T MEAN...
MY GOD.
NOW WE BOTH FEEL BETRAYED.
PAINFUL, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? UH, A CLOSET?
NO. IT'S A GRAVEYARD--
A GRAVEYARD FILLED WITH ALL THE STUFF WE BOUGHT
BECAUSE YOU TOLD US YOU WANTED TO DO SOMETHING AND THEN QUIT.
REMEMBER THIS? REMEMBER HOW YOU BEGGED US TO BUY YOU A GUITAR?
THE STRINGS HURT MY FINGERS. (thud)
WHAT ABOUT THIS?
VERY EXPENSIVE. YOU'VE NEVER TOUCHED IT.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I USE IT TO PRETEND I'M PLAYING GUITAR.
JUANITA, YOU ARE FULL OF IDEAS,
BUT YOU NEVER SEE ANY OF THEM THROUGH. (thud)
WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE DOING ONE OF THESE THINGS
AT THAT TALENT SHOW. BUT I'M ALREADY DOING SOMETHING.
NOT THAT.
FINE. IF YOU WON'T PICK SOMETHING, I WILL.
(inhales deeply) AH.
TAP.
NO. YES.
YOU ENJOYED IT. YOU ACTUALLY SET YOUR PERSONAL RECORD
FOR STICKING WITH SOMETHING-- TWO MONTHS!
BUT IT'S HARD.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE--
ANYTHING THAT'S WORTH DOING IS HARD.
THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS? YOU'RE GOING BACK TO THAT TAP CLASS,
AND YOU'RE GONNA PRACTICE TWO HOURS A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK UNTIL YOU NAIL IT. NO, I'LL DO SOMETHING ELSE AT THE SHOW.
LIKE WHAT? I'LL TELL JOKES.
A JEWISH GUY AND A MEXICAN WALK INTO A BAR--
NO.
THANK YOU, BREE.
IT ALWAYS BRIGHTENS MY DAY WHEN YOU INVITE ME TO VISIT.
WELL, REVEREND SYKES, I VERY MUCH ENJOY YOUR COMPANY.
AS I DO YOURS. (chuckles)
MMM.
SO... HAVE YOU KILLED SOMEONE?
EXCUSE ME?
I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THE TREATS YOU PREPARE FOR MY VISITS
ARE A RELIABLE INDICATOR
OF YOUR LEVEL OF SPIRITUAL TURMOIL.
THE MORE EXQUISITE THE BAKED GOODS,
THE MORE ANGUISHED YOUR SOUL. THIS...
IS A HAZELNUT CHOCOLATE CHIP SCONE WITH CURRANTS.
SO I ASK AGAIN-- HAVE YOU KILLED SOMEONE?
NO. IT'S JUST...
LATELY I FEEL LIKE JOB.
YOU KNOW, JOB, FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT?
I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE BOOK, THANK YOU.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE JOB?
(sighs)
I JUST FEEL THAT GOD HAS TAKEN EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME.
I LOST MY BUSINESS, MY CHILDREN NEVER CALL ME,
AND... MY BOYFRIEND KEITH HAS LEFT ME.
WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY BODY BOILS AND DEAD CAMELS,
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
(slurps) WHEN I COMPLAINED
AFTER I WAS NOT ACCEPTED INTO YALE DIVINITY SCHOOL,
MY FATHER HAD NO SYMPATHY.
INSTEAD, HE DROVE ME FROM OUR LOVELY HOME IN CONNECTICUT
TO A DANGEROUS SECTION OF THE BRONX
AND FORCED ME TO HAND OUT BLANKETS TO THE HOMELESS.
I SEE. THAT'S THE REASON YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SO SENSITIVE TO THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR. PERHAPS.
IT'S CERTAINLY THE REASON MY FATHER WAS BURIED
IN A SPORT JACKET HE DETESTED. (chuckles)
THE POINT IS, LOOKING AT WHAT HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM US
IS A BAD WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.
LOOKING FOR WHAT WE CAN GIVE TO OTHERS IS FAR BETTER.
COULD YOU PASS ME THE TAPE?
I'M SO GLAD I ASKED YOU TO HELP.
I'M SORRY. I'M FEELING A LITTLE FAINT.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
IT'S LIKE SNEAKERS MIXED WITH COLOGNE
MIXED WITH "I RAN AROUND THE BLOCK FOUR TIMES
WEARING A SHIRT MADE OF CHEESE." THAT'S PORTER AND PRESTON.
WELL, GET THE PLACE CLEANED.
YEAH. I THINK I'M GONNA HOLD OFF ON THAT FOR A WHILE.
WHY?
BECAUSE...
(sniffs) I KIND OF LOVE THIS SMELL.
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE BECOMING DELIRIOUS.
WE'VE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN,
SO YOU DON'T GET IT.
BUT RAISING KIDS IS AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
IT IS THE MOST MEANINGFUL THING I'VE EVER DONE.
SO ANYTHING THAT REMINDS ME OF THEM IS A GOOD THING.
HMM.
YOU MUST BE PRETTY SAD THEY'RE GONE.
NO.
NO, IT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE MOVING ON WITH THEIR LIVES.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
THEN WHY ARE THERE TEARS IN YOUR EYES?
UM... THAT'S THE SMELL. (sniffles)
YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
(door closes)
SO... ANY IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME?
AS MUCH AS I ENJOY PASSING OUT AT RESTAURANTS,
I'M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE CONCERNED. (chuckles)
ACCORDING TO THESE TESTS, YOUR CREATINE LEVELS ARE INCREASING.
THAT'S NOT GOOD. OH. WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?
I REALIZE THIS ISN'T A SATISFYING ANSWER, BUT...
WE DON'T KNOW.
SO, UH...
HOW SERIOUS IS IT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TELL ALL MY PATIENTS--
WE ARE GOING TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO GET YOU A KIDNEY.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, LIVE YOUR LIFE.
IF THERE'S THINGS YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DOING...
DO THEM NOW.
(button clicks)
(whirring)
(sighs)
I THINK FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY WE SHOULD HAVE A PICNIC...
IN THE WOODS...
WHERE WE GOT MARRIED.
SURE.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I THINK WE SHOULD DO IT NOW.
BUT OUR ANNIVERSARY'S NOT TILL JULY.
WERE WE NOT AT THE SAME APPOINTMENT JUST NOW?
(elevator stops)
I THOUGHT THAT DIALYSIS WAS SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU HEALTHY.
I GUESS IT'S JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME.
HOW BAD IS THIS? PRETTY BAD.
YESTERDAY, THE DOCTOR'S SECRETARY
HANDED ME THIS FREE PARKING PASS
WITH THIS... SAD LOOK.
IT WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, YOU'RE DOOMED, BUT YOUR PARKING'S FREE."
SO IS THIS PASS GOOD FOR A MONTH? A WEEK? (Lynette) GABY!
I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT WE'RE FACING HERE. ALL I KNOW IS...
I NEED A NEW KIDNEY,
AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TILL THEY FIND ME ONE.
WELL, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT TRYING TO FIND A DONOR YOURSELF?
SO FAR, YOU'VE ONLY ASKED FAMILY.
YEAH, WIDEN THE CIRCLE. ASK FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS.
WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH POINT.
I MEAN, FINDING A MATCH IS LIKE 1 IN 1,000.
SO ASK A THOUSAND PEOPLE.
YES. WE CAN HELP.
WE CAN CANVASS THE NEIGHBORHOOD, PUT UP SIGNS, GO DOOR TO DOOR.
GUYS, IT'S A VITAL ORGAN.
SUSAN, PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU.
YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED WHAT THEY'RE WILLING TO DO.
I APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT,
BUT I JUST CAN'T ASK ANYONE
TO MAKE THAT KIND OF SACRIFICE FOR ME.
I CAN'T.
I'M GONNA GET YOU MORE COFFEE.
MAYBE SHE CAN'T.
BUT I CAN.
DONATE A KIDNEY?
HAVE WE MET? I'M LIKE 112.
BUT, KAREN, IT'S FOR OUR DEAR FRIEND SUSAN.
I'M NOT HAVING ELECTIVE SURGERY.
I TAKE ENOUGH RISK JUST CLIMBING OUT OF THE TUB.
I DON'T KNOW. AREN'T THERE SERIOUS RISKS?
ACTUALLY, THE MORTALITY RATE IS QUITE LOW.
I MEANT THE SCARRING. I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME AT THE GYM
WORKING OFF MY LOVE HANDLES,
AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP A CHANCE TO GO SHIRTLESS.
NO. BUT I--
NO. SHE'S REALLY--
NO. WOULD YOU JU--
NO.
BREE...
YES?
NO.
(sighs)
I WANT A BABY.
HERE. I ALSO HAVE A 9-YEAR-OLD.
ONE OF MY OWN.
PREFERABLY A BOY...
AND IN BROWN.
WAIT. YOU'RE SERIOUS?
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS INCREDIBLY RASH
AND NOT-THOUGHT-OUT IDEA? FROM YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY
ABOUT KIDS GIVING YOUR LIFE MEANING? I WANT THAT.
I WANT... MEANING.
IN THE FORM OF A BABY? MM.
EXACTLY.
I ALREADY MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ADOPTION AGENCY,
WHICH WAS RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY MANICURIST.
IT WAS LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO BE.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
I MEAN, YOUR SOCIAL CALENDAR IS VERY FULL.
A BABY WOULD CHANGE ALL THAT.
IT REQUIRES A LOT OF SACRIFICE AND COMPROMISE.
(sighs) MAYBE THE WAY YOU DO IT.
EXCUSE ME?
YOU WORK YOUR LIFE AROUND YOUR KIDS.
I INTEND TO WORK MY CHILD INTO MY LIFE.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK
YOU MAKE IT A LOT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
BUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO BEING A MOM,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TEST DRIVE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU COULD WATCH PAIGE SOME NIGHT.
TOM AND I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN A WHILE.
REALLY? YOU'D LET ME BABYSIT?
(laughs) YEAH!
WHICH ONE IS PAIGE?
THIS ONE.
OH.
I ACCEPT. WOW.
MY FIRST STEP TOWARD BEING A MOM. (chuckles)
OH, YOU WATCH. I AM GONNA BE A NATURAL.
(chuckles) AH.
OH, UH, DOES SHE EAT SHELLFISH?
MAYBE.
SO I GOT US CAVIAR,
SHRIMP PâTé, SMOKED SALMON.
IF THERE'S A PART OF A FISH THEY CAN OVERCHARGE FOR,
WE HAVE IT.
(chuckles) CAN YOU PUT THESE IN THE BACK? THANKS.
SWEETIE? YEAH?
I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS TODAY. YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND YOU CAN THANK ME AGAIN WHEN WE GO BACK IN JULY
FOR OUR REAL ANNIVERSARY.
AND I'D REALLY LOVE IF, FOR THE NEXT EIGHT HOURS,
I'M NOT SICK. NO TALK OF KIDNEYS.
LET'S JUST HAVE A FUN, NORMAL DAY, OKAY?
YOU GOT IT.
(laughs)
ONE FUN, NORMAL DAY IN THE WOODS, COMING UP.
(sighs)
(engine starts)
NOTHING'S GONNA RUIN THIS TRIP.
(chuckles)
(door closes)
HEY. HOW WAS TAP CLASS?
IT'S TOO HARD. I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE.
OH, SWEETIE...
YOU'RE DOING IT. WE'RE NOT A FAMILY OF QUITTERS.
UGH! YOU QUIT ALL THE TIME.
YESTERDAY WE PLAYED HIDE-AND-SEEK.
CELIA AND I LOOKED FOR YOU FOR AN HOUR
BEFORE WE SAW YOUR CAR WAS GONE.
(door closes) SO I FOUND A GREAT HIDING PLACE AT THE SHOE STORE.
IT'S NOT QUITTING.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING--
ARE YOU GETTING BETTER?
I GUESS. WELL, THERE YOU GO.
NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE.
OH, AND REMEMBER, TOMORROW'S LESSON'S TWO HOURS.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE MY FEET FALL OFF.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER.
WHY ARE YOU WORKING HER SO HARD? IT'S A LOUSY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW.
YOU THINK BOB AND LEE ARE GOING EASY ON THEIR KID?
NO! THEY PUSH HER. THAT GIRL'S SO GOOD AT THE VIOLIN,
SHE'S PRACTICALLY ASIAN. SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
YOU'RE COMPETING WITH BOB AND LEE.
PFFT. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THIS IS ABOUT JUANITA.
I'M BUILDING HER SELF-ESTEEM
AND GIVING HER A CHANCE TO SHINE.
AND IF A COUPLE OF SAME-SEX PARENTS
END UP CRYING AT HOME IN THEIR SILK KIMONOS, SO BE IT.
(sighs)
OH, MIKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
ISN'T IT AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU REMEMBER IT?
YEAH. LUCKY I DIDN'T LEAVE IT ON THE ROOF OF THE CAR.
UGH. WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT THE PICNIC BASKET?
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS WE'RE TOGETHER.
AND THERE'S NO--
DAMN IT! THEY FORGOT THE FRIES! UNBELIEVABLE.
OKAY, MIKE, LOOK AT ME.
THINK BACK EIGHT YEARS,
WHEN WE STOOD IN THIS SPOT
AND WE PLEDGED OUR LOVE TO EACH OTHER.
(chuckles) OH! I KNOW.
LET'S RENEW OUR VOWS. (giggles)
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I, MIKE DELFINO,
PROMISE TO LOVE--
(bird squawks)
I, MIKE DELFINO, PROMISE TO--
(squawk)
(laughs)
IT'S JUST A BIRD. FORGET IT.
PROMISE TO LOVE AND HONOR--
(squawking) OKAY. NOW HE'S JUST MOCKING ME.
UH...
MIKE! (squawk)
MIKE, STOP!
(thud, squawk)
(thud)
OH, MY GOD.
I-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HIT THAT BIRD.
YEAH, I KNOW. (squawking continues)
I WAS AIMING FOR THAT ONE.
(indistinct conversations)
AS THE GAYEST PERSON AT THIS BRUNCH,
I FEEL IT IS MY DUTY TO SAY... (singsongy) "FABULOUS."
YEAH, BREE, WHAT'S THE OCCASION? OH, NOTHING, JUST A LITTLE GET-TOGETHER FOR FRIENDS.
SMOKED SALMON TARTARE CORNUCOPIA? MMM.
THIS FEELS WEIRD. SHE'S UP TO SOMETHIN'.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S JUST A BRUNCH.
EXCUSE ME. IF I COULD BORROW A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME
FOR A BRIEF PRESENTATION.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S AN AMBUSH. MM-HMM.
(clicks teeth)
IT SEEMS MANY OF YOU HAVE SOME MISGUIDED IDEAS
ABOUT KIDNEY DONATION, SO I HAVE INVITED CRAIG LYNWOOD,
TRANSPLANT COORDINATOR AT FAIRVIEW MEMORIAL
TO DISPEL SOME OF THOSE MYTHS.
MR. LYNWOOD, IS IT TRUE THERE'S AN AGE LIMIT TO DONATING?
NO, NOT NECESSARILY.
AND DOES THE SURGERY CAUSE UNSIGHTLY SCARRING?
IT'S LAPAROSCOPIC. THE SCARRING IS MINIMAL.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE REST OF YOU,
BUT I FIND THAT VERY REASSURING.
SO NOW THAT WE HAVE THE FACTS,
I AM SURE YOU'LL ALL WANT TO GET TESTED.
OKAY, FINE. I'LL GO IN NEXT WEEK. NO NEED.
NURSE DEARBORN?
SO THE LINE FORMS OVER HERE.
AND WE WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
(lock clicks)
YOU'RE GONNA GET TESTED?
NO. I THINK I CAN TAKE GABY.
(door closes)
I DON'T KNOW HOW PAUL FOUND OUT, MAMA, BUT HE DID.
AND THEN... WELL...
HE THREW ME OUT.
HE WAS JUST... SO COLD.
WHAT A SAD STORY.
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD WARNED YOU WHAT A BASTARD HE IS.
I KNOW. YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.
BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
OH, BETH.
I CAN'T ALLOW YOU BACK IN MY LIFE.
YOU HAVE FAILED ME IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.
NO. I DIDN'T.
PAUL CONFESSED.
REALLY?
DID YOU GET IT ON TAPE?
DID HE WRITE IT ON A NAPKIN?
OF COURSE NOT.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING RIGHT
IN YOUR LIFE.
GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. I'LL DO ANYTHING.
I HAVE NO MORE USE FOR YOU. GOOD-BYE.
WAIT!
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME, MAMA?
YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE A LONELY, DEPRESSING LIFE
IN SOME RATTY APARTMENT WITH PLENTY OF TIME TO THINK
ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE YOU DISAPPOINTED--
MOST OF ALL... ME.
GUARD, I'M DONE HERE.
TAKE HER OFF THE VISITOR'S LIST. (receiver clatters)
(woman over P.A.) THE OAKRIDGE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW
WILL START IN FIVE MINUTES.
(violin and trumpet playing, girl singing indistinctly)
SO... CHECKING OUT FAIRVIEW'S ANSWER TO ITZHAK PERLMAN?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
BUT IF IT'S GERMAN FOR "CAT STRANGLER," THEN YES.
IT'S LIKE THAT, IS IT?
SO WHEN'S YOUR DAUGHTER START STOMPING OFF TO BUFFALO?
SHE'S ON RIGHT BEFORE JENNY. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP
YOUR SUNGLASSES HANDY, BECAUSE JUANITA IS GOING TO BE DAZZLING.
(indistinct conversations)
***
(gasps)
HONEY! ARE YOU OKAY? WERE YOU BEING CHASED BY A BEE?
NO, IT'S MY ROUTINE.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE NAILED THE FINALE.
OH, THAT--THAT WAS YOU NAILING IT?
TO THE FLOOR. BAM.
(footsteps approach) (singsongy) PERFORMERS TO THE STAGE.
WELL, UH...
WHERE ARE MY TAP SHOES?
I DON'T KNOW.
I LEFT THEM RIGHT HERE.
OH, HONEY. I GUESS YOU LOST 'EM, AND THE SHOW'S ABOUT TO START.
DANG IT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I WAS SO EXCITED. I WORKED SO HARD.
I'M SORRY. YOU WANT TO STAY AND WATCH YOUR FRIENDS?
WE CAN GO AFTER FOR ICE CREAM.
WHO CARES?
I WILL SEE YOUR SHIRT
AND I WILL RAISE YOU ONE BRA.
NICELY PLAYED.
(giggles)
(thud, crunching)
DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
HMM. PROBABLY JUST A PEEPING RACCOON.
OH.
(giggles)
(rustle)
NO. NO, I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE.
(rustling continues)
(gunshot)
THIS WAY! THERE THEY ARE!
WHAT THE HELL? (man) I GOT HIM!
OH!
OHH! UHH.
(Southern accent) IDENTIFY YOURSELVES.
ARE YOU NORTHERN AGITATORS?
DO WE LOOK LIKE NORTHERN AGITATORS?
W-WE'RE JUST CELEBRATING OUR ANNIVERSARY.
YOU GUYS...
PLAYING PAINTBALL OR SOMETHING?
NO, MADAM, WE ARE NOT PLAYING.
I AM MAJOR GENERAL JEDEDIAH GARRETT
OF THE CONFEDERATE ARMY, AND WE ARE--
KEVIN--KEVIN--KEVIN. HI. HI.
UH, WE'RE PART OF A CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT GROUP.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW. GET A REAL LIFE, RIGHT?
CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST HAVE YOUR PRETEND WAR OVER THERE?
PRETEND?
YOU, SIR, ARE INTERRUPTING THE BATTLE OF FREDERICKSBURG.
ACTUALLY, WE HAVE THE ENTIRE PARK UNTIL 6:00.
KYLE, SHOW 'EM THE PERMIT.
I-I-IT'S FINE. WE BELIEVE YOU.
NO, IT'S NOT FINE. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO HER.
JUST GIVE US A COUPLE HOURS.
NO, SIR. NOW BEGONE! MEN, WE MUST BE READY TO ATTACK
THE ENEMY SHOULD THEY ATTEMPT TO RETREAT INTO MARYLAND.
WHAT A DOUCHE.
A DOUCHE, YOU SAY?
YEAH.
MIKE! LET'S JUST GO.
(gasps)
EYES CLOSED, KYLE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
I DIED WITH MY EYES OPEN. IT HAPPENS.
CLOSE 'EM, KYLE.
(musical tones playing)
(song ends)
(applause continues)
(applause recedes)
AND NOW TO CLOSE OUR SHOW
IS A VIOLIN SOLO BY JENNY HUNTER-McDERMOTT.
(audience murmuring)
***
(plays off-key note)
(resumes playing)
(plays off-key note)
(chuckles)
(playing resumes)
(lowered voice) SHE LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME.
WE'RE GETTING THOSE DOUBLE-PANED WINDOWS.
OKAY.
(song ends)
(applause)
OUCH!
POOR LEE. HE MUST BE PRETTY EMBARRASSED.
DOES HE LOOK EMBARRASSED?
SHE ALWAYS STUMBLES OVER THAT PART.
SHE REALLY STUMBLED OVER IT TODAY.
BUT SHE POWERED THROUGH IT. WE COULDN'T BE PROUDER.
WAIT! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! NOBODY MOVE!
OKAY, DON'T LEAVE YET.
THERE'S STILL, UH, ONE GIRL WHO HASN'T PERFORMED YET.
BUT I LOST MY TAP SHOES.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. OH... OH, HEY! WAIT!
IS THAT THEM IN THE BACK ROOM, BEHIND THE RADIATOR?
(taps clicking)
(tapping continues)
AAH!
WHOO! BRAVO!
(sighs)
OH, LOOK, WE HAD A GREAT DAY.
THINK OF IT THIS WAY... (seat belt clicks)
NOW WE HAVE A FUNNY STORY TO TELL PEOPLE.
(engine sputters)
(sputters)
(engine stalls)
TWO FUNNY STORIES?
(thud) (sighs)
(telephone rings)
(beep)
HELLO?
Bree, it's Craig Lynwood.
I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS. ALL YOUR EFFORTS HAVE PAID OFF.
YOU FOUND A MATCH?
WE FOUND TWO.
Oh, my God.
IT'S A MIRACLE. WHO ARE THEY?
WELL, ONE OF THEM IS YOU.
Bree? Are you there?
(gasps) I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, UH...
I... I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS. UM...
WHO'S THE OTHER ONE?
WOMAN NAMED BETH YOUNG.
BETH? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE GOT TESTED.
Apparently she saw one of your flyers. AND SHE WANTS TO DO THIS?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW YET.
WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HER.
So... should we continue to look for this Beth Young,
or is the donor going to be you?
(jazz playing) FANCY. I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST GONNA GRAB A BURGER.
RENEE WAS REALLY TALKING THIS PLACE UP,
SO I THOUGHT WE COULD SPLURGE.
OR WE COULD STAY HOME AND EAT MONEY. (chuckles)
WE BETTER ORDER. ANY SECOND, MY PHONE IS GOING TO RING,
AND RENEE IS GONNA BEG ME TO RUSH HOME AND GET PAIGE.
I DON'T KNOW. SHE MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.
(baby crying)
OH, GREAT.
ONE NIGHT OUT AND WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT.
(lowered voice) WHO BRINGS A BABY TO A PLACE LIKE THIS?
HEY. LET'S GIVE THE PARENTS THAT DIRTY LOOK THAT WE ALWAYS GET,
LIKE, "HUH."
YEAH.
(baby continues crying)
(gasps)
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S RENEE...
ON A DATE...
WITH OUR BABY.
UNBELIEVABLE.
AND YOU THOUGHT SHE'D BE GOOD AT THIS?
OHH, LOOK AT THAT.
WHAT? WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW?
NOTHING. THE FILET MIGNON JUST WENT BY. IT LOOKS AMAZING.
S-SO SHOULD WE JUST GO OVER AND GET PAIGE?
NOT YET.
I WANT TO WATCH.
(speaks inaudibly)
LOOK, LOOK, THERE YOU GO.
SHE'S PROBABLY ORDERING MILK FOR PAIGE.
OR SHE'S GIVING OUR BABY AWAY.
WOW. SHE REALLY IS BAD AT THIS.
(gasps) UGH!
EXCUSE ME.
OH, HI. I'LL BE RIGHT OVER TO TAKE YOUR ORDER.
WHY DID THAT WOMAN GIVE YOU THIS BABY?
SHE GAVE ME $100 TO SEE IF I COULD CALM HER DOWN... (fusses)
(high-pitched voice) BUT I DON'T MIND.
(normal voice) I LOVE CHILDREN. I'M ACTUALLY EXPECTING MY THIRD.
REALLY? THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE...
$200?
ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
UH... HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?
OH, YOUR DRINKS WILL BE RIGHT OUT.
NO, NO. NOT THE DRINKS. THE BABY.
I GAVE YOU A BABY. WHERE IS IT?
OH, I HAD ORDERS BACKING UP, SO I GAVE IT TO A BUSBOY.
WHAT? WHAT BUSBOY?
UM... HE SHOULD BE HERE SOMEWHERE.
OH, I HOPE HE DIDN'T FINISH HIS SHIFT AND GO HOME.
YOU BETTER FIND ME THAT BABY.
OR I'M GONNA TAKE THAT ONE NOW!
UH, HEY, BUSBOY. ARE YOU THE ONE THAT HAS A BABY?
I'M LOOKING FOR A BABY-- 2 FEET TALL, BIG HEAD, DROOLS.
I'M LOOKING FOR... A BABY. (silverware clatters)
UM... DID ANYONE PASS YOU A BABY?
HAS ANYONE SEEN A BABY?!
(chuckles) HAD ENOUGH? (lowered voice) IN A MINUTE.
THAT VEIN IN HER HEAD IS REALLY GOING.
(chuckles)
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S A BABY?
BECAUSE THEY GAVE IT TO ME. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE BABY IS!
LYNETTE...
AND PAIGE. HOW... DID YOU GET PAIGE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH PAIGE?
YOU TOOK OUR BABY ON A DATE.
WELL... (sighs) BRIAN CALLED. IT WAS HIS ONE NIGHT IN TOWN.
WELL, THEN YOU SAY, "SORRY, BRIAN, I CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT."
THAT'S WHAT BEING A MOTHER IS ABOUT--
MAKING SACRIFICES, SOMETHING YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT.
UGH! COME ON, TOM.
(knock on door)
(Bree) BETH? IT'S BREE VAN DE KAMP.
UM...
COMING.
I, UH, WENT TO YOUR HOUSE. PAUL TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE.
WE AREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE.
I'M SO SORRY.
IT IS WHAT IT IS.
THANKS... (door closes)
FOR CHECKING ON ME.
WELL, ACTUALLY, THE REASON I CAME BY...
HAS THE GENTLEMAN FROM THE TRANSPLANT OFFICE
REACHED YOU?
WHY?
AM I A MATCH?
YES.
WOW.
SO... WHAT DO I DO NOW?
IS THERE SOMEONE I NEED TO CALL? ARE THERE FORMS?
WELL, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE I'M A MATCH, TOO.
WHAT?
I KNOW.
TWO IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD. WE'RE VERY BLESSED. (chuckles)
ANYWAY, I, UH, AM GOING TO BE SUSAN'S DONOR,
BUT I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR...
GETTING TESTED.
WHEN YOU MOVED ONTO THE LANE, I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A CHANCE.
I SAW YOU AS A WOMAN WHO MARRIED A MAN I HATED,
AND I SEE NOW THAT YOU'RE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
I'M SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REALIZE IT.
WELL, I... (chuckles)
I SHOULD GO.
I WANT TO DO IT.
BETH, NO--
PLEASE, BREE.
LET ME HELP SUSAN.
IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO ME.
BETH, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY MAY NOT MAKE SENSE TO YOU,
BUT, UM...
I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH, UH...
A DARK TIME... FEELING ALONE AND UNCONNECTED
AND WONDERING IF I HAVE A PURPOSE,
SO FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS FOR MY FRIEND...
IT MAY MEAN A LOT TO YOU...
(whispering) BUT IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.
(door opens and closes)
SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
I BOUGHT THIS FOR THE BABY.
(whispers) WOW.
(normal voice) EXPENSIVE, FRAGILE, POINTY...
IF ONLY IT WERE FLAMMABLE.
I'M NOT REALLY CUT OUT TO BE A MOTHER, AM I?
NO.
AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.
WHAT'S SAD IS HOW MANY PEOPLE GO AHEAD AND HAVE KIDS ANYWAY.
WELL, WHAT DO PEOPLE DO TO FILL UP THE HOLE IN THEIR LIVES?
NO MATTER WHAT I DO, NO MATTER WHO I'M WITH, I...
I FEEL ALONE.
YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING,
AND WHEN YOU DO, YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU HAVE THE ROOM.
LOTS AND LOTS OF ROOM. (chuckles)
THANKS. MM. I'M SO GLAD I STOPPED BY.
HEY.
WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?
OKAY.
BUT KEEP THE BABY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE.
WHAT? I'LL PROBABLY LET HER PLAY WITH MY KNIFE.
(chuckles)
(birds chirping)
(thud) OW! SON OF A BITCH!
(grunting)
LET ME LOOK AT IT.
NO.
YOU OKAY?
(sighs)
MIKE, ARE YOU OKAY?
NO, I'M NOT OKAY. WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE.
INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR OUR REAL ANNIVERSARY,
WE WASTED OUR TIME ON THIS DISASTER.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE YELLING AT ME? 'CAUSE I...
'CAUSE I MOVED UP OUR ANNIVERSARY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE DYING.
YOU'RE DYING,
AND THERE'S NOT A DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT IT...
IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE GETTING READY TO SAY GOOD-BYE...
LIKE YOU'RE BAILING ON ME.
BAILING?
(sighs)
I AM FIGHTING.
I-I AM SCARED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
BUT I AM FIGHTING MY ASS OFF.
(sighs)
I WANT TO SEE M.J. GRADUATE.
I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU.
I WANT ALL OF THAT.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, I...
I AM GONNA ENJOY EVERY...
EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.
MM.
(sighs)
(exhales deeply)
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
OW.
HEY. LEAN ON ME.
I'M A LOT STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.
OUR LIVES ARE BRIEF.
THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO SEARCH FOR MEANING.
WE FIND IT IN OUR DAUGHTER'S SMILE...
IN THE WARMTH OF OUR FRIENDS...
OR THE COMFORT OF OUR FAITH.
(man) OKAY, COMING THROUGH.
THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO MAKE THEIR LIVES MEANINGFUL
BY MAKING A GREAT SACRIFICE.
HELLO. MY NAME IS BETH YOUNG. I'M HERE TO DONATE A KIDNEY.
I JUST FOUND OUT I'M A MATCH FOR A FRIEND OF MINE.
(sighs) I'M SORRY, MA'AM. YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE.
YOU WANT THE TRANSPLANT OFFICE ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.
THESE ARE MY FORMS.
I THINK YOU'LL SEE THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY FILLED OUT.
AGAIN, MA'AM, YOU WANT THE TRANSPLANT OFFICE.
THIS IS EMERGENCY.
MY FRIEND'S NAME IS SUSAN DELFINO.
(telephone ringing) IT'S FUNNY. AT FIRST, WE DIDN'T GET ALONG VERY WELL.
ACTUALLY, WE NEVER GOT ALONG.
BUT THAT KIND OF THING SEEMS SO INSIGNIFICANT
WHEN SOMEONE IS IN NEED.
THAT'S GREAT. FOURTH FLOOR, ELEVATOR'S DOWN THE HALL.
I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO TROUBLE YOU,
BUT THESE FORMS HAVE TO GET TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
I DON'T WANT TO MESS THIS UP.
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE EVER DONE.
OKAY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU'RE VERY KIND.
(man) WHEELCHAIR IS ON ITS WAY.
(indistinct conversations)
(gunshot)
(thud, woman screams)
WE NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!
(indistinct shouting)