PREVIOUSLY ON...
WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS
THAT ARE GONNA REQUIRE SERIOUS WORK.
LYNETTE AND TOM STRUGGLED WITH THEIR SEPARATION.
MIKE HEARD A CONFESSION...
I KILLED GABY'S STEPFATHER.
AAH! UHH!
AND ME AND THE GIRLS HELPED COVER IT UP.
THAT COULD CHANGE HIS LIFE WITH SUSAN FOREVER.
BREE SHOWED GABY THE NOTE...
LET'S SAY SOMEONE KNOWS.
I SAY UNTIL THEY TELL US WHAT THEY WANT,
WE JUST ACT LIKE EVERYTHING'S NORMAL.
AND DECIDED SHE NEEDED TO END HER RELATIONSHIP
WITH DETECTIVE VANCE.
YOU KNOW, BREE, I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU.
YOU HAVE MADE A VERY BIG MISTAKE.
(Mary Alice) IT'S OFTEN SAID THAT CHILDREN LEARN
THEIR MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM.
THEY LEARN TO FIND PEACEFUL WAYS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT...
TO MAKE SMART CHOICES ABOUT NUTRITION...
TO MASTER THE ART OF CONVERSATION.
BUT FOR GABRIELLE SOLIS,
THE ART OF MORNING DROP-OFF...
WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? COME ON! LET'S GO!
WAS SOMETHING SHE'D NEVER LEARNED.
(honks horn)
YOU SLOW DOWN, PUSH THE KID OUT, AND DRIVE OFF!
WHY IS IT SO HARD?!
YOU REALIZE I HAVE TO GO TO THIS SCHOOL, RIGHT?
OH, COME ON. I'M BEHIND THE WHEELCHAIR KID?
THAT'S IT, JUANITA. GET OUT.
I'M NOT ALLOWED TILL WE GET TO THE GREEN ZONE
AND A VOLUNTEER OPENS THE DOOR.
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK?
YEAH, LAST WEEK I MADE IT TO MY HOT STONE MASSAGE.
JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN,
PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, AND RUN.
(children laughing and shouting playfully)
(blows whistle) HOLD IT!
OHH.
(whirring)
HI, DANA. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE DIDN'T LEARN HER LESSON
THE LAST TWO TIMES SHE BROKE THE DROP-OFF RULES.
THREE STRIKES, SOLIS.
YOU'RE OUT.
WH--HEY!
I NEED THAT!
YOUR DROP-OFF PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN REVOKED.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL BE PARKING IN THE "B" LOT
AND WALKING JUANITA TO CLASS. (gasps) THE "B" LOT?
THAT'S, LIKE, A MILE AWAY. THESE DON'T WALK.
THEY DO NOW. OH, YEAH? WELL, WHO DIED AND MADE YOU BOSS?
MARGARET FRYE. CANCER.
OH. RIGHT. I STILL OWE FOR THOSE FLOWERS.
(horn honks)
OH, RELAX, PAM! YOU'LL STILL MAKE IT TO WEIGHT WATCHERS!
PROBLEM HERE, DANA?
OH, GREAT. NOW THE PIPS ARE HERE.
IT'S SOLIS AGAIN. SHE'S HOLDING UP TRAFFIC.
YEAH, AND I'M NOT MOVING TILL YOU GIVE ME BACK MY PLACARD.
(horn honks) OH, PAM, EAT A CARROT!
TELL YOU WHAT.
IF YOU CAN TAKE THE PLACARD FROM ME, YOU CAN KEEP IT.
(scoffs) YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT A CHILD.
I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION--
OH!
YOU KNOW WHAT, DANA? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HEAD OF P.T.A.
DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO MAKE THE LAWS!
OH, I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. HERE AT OAKRIDGE, I AM THE LAW.
YES, SOME OF OUR MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS
ARE LEARNED OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM.
AND WHEN IT CAME TO SCHOOL POLITICS,
GABRIELLE'S EDUCATION WAS JUST BEGINNING.
WHEN IT CAME TO HER SEPARATION,
LYNETTE SCAVO WAS DETERMINED TO DO EVERYTHING BY THE BOOK.
SHE MADE SURE HER VISITATION DAYS
WERE EVENLY DIVIDED.
SHE KEPT PERFECT RECORDS OF HER HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES.
SHE FOUND HEALTHY WAYS TO RELIEVE HER STRESS.
YES, LYNETTE WAS CONFIDENT
HER BY-THE-BOOK APPROACH WAS THE RIGHT ONE,
SADLY, NOT EVERYONE WAS ON THE SAME PAGE.
WELL, LOOK WHO CLEANED OUT THE SAD-SACK AISLE
AT THE BOOKSTORE.
AT LEAST YOUR DIVORCE IS GOOD FOR THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY.
WE'RE NOT USING THE "D" WORD.
IT'S A SEPARATION.
TOM AND I ARE GOING TO "HEAL THROUGH COUNSELING"
SO WE CAN FIND "A ROAD TO RECONNECTION"
AND IF NOT,
"MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS."
(car door opens)
(sets book down) PENNY, YOUR DAD'S HERE!
EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME.
IF YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN BACK YOUR HUSBAND,
WHY DO YOU DRESS LIKE YOU SELL ORANGES BY THE FREEWAY?
(door opens) (lisping) HEY. SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD TO STOP AT THE STORE,
AND IT TOOK LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.
BECAUSE YOU TAWT YOU TAW A PUDDY TAT?
HA HA.
(normal voice) IT'S JUST A TEETH WHITENER.
TEETH WHITENING, HUH?
AND UNLESS SWEAT SUITS ARE THE NEW BUSINESS CASUAL,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WORKING OUT, TOO.
I'M TRYING. IT HELPS CHEER ME UP WHEN THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND.
(Penny) DADDY! HEY!
OH! REMEMBER TO GET PARKER AT PRACTICE.
I LOVE YOU. HAVE FUN AT YOUR DAD'S. I LOVE YOU. BYE.
DRIVE SAFE.
HMM.
I'VE GOT A NEW BOOK TITLE FOR YOU--
"YOUR HUSBAND'S BANGING SOMEBODY."
WHAT?
CHAPTER ONE--WHITE TEETH.
CHAPTER TWO--WORKING OUT.
CHAPTER THREE--THE NASTY.
HE'S JUST TRYING TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF HIMSELF.
OH, LYNETTE.
I EXPECT YOU TO BE NAIVE ABOUT HAIR, MAKEUP, AND FASHION,
BUT ABOUT THIS?
TRUST ME. TOM HAS HOOKED UP.
HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT. IF HE WAS...
DATING SOMEONE,
HE WOULD TELL ME.
HE WOULD.
RIGHT?
THAT DOESN'T LOOK TOO SUSPICIOUS. (gasps) OH.
I'M SORRY. JUST-- EVERY TIME I CHECK THE MAIL,
I'M AFRAID IT'S GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE LETTERS.
IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS. MAYBE WE'RE OUT OF THE WOODS.
PLEASE DON'T SAY "WOODS."
I'M JUST SAYING, IF SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO BLACKMAIL US,
THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT IT,
SINCE THEY HAVEN'T ASKED FOR MONEY OR ANYTHING.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM? DID THEY JUST DISAPPEAR?
IF WE'RE LUCKY.
NOW THAT CHUCK THE COP IS OUT OF YOUR LIFE,
SUSAN'S ACTING NORMAL,
I THINK WE'RE IN THE CLEAR.
(horn honks)
OH, GOOD. HERE THEY ARE. HMM.
OH, DANIELLE AND BENJAMIN.
FUN. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
HER HUSBAND LEFT HER.
UGH. OKAY. WELL, I'D STAY AND SAY HI,
BUT THAT WOULD INVOLVE A LOT OF LISTENING AND SAD NODDING.
OH, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOU AND LEO.
THANKS, MOM.
NOT THAT I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.
THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG.
NEITHER DID THE MARRIAGE.
SO HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
MY HUSBAND LEFT ME. IT SUCKS.
BUT YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
YOU JUST GOT DUMPED BY THAT COP, RIGHT?
UM...
ACTUALLY, I AM THE ONE WHO ENDED IT WITH CHUCK.
HE WANTED TO MARRY ME, BOUGHT ME A RING,
BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
THIS WEEK...
OR WEEKS IS ABOUT YOU.
WE ARE GONNA MAKE A PLAN TO PUT YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER.
A PLAN? MOM, THIS ALL JUST HAPPENED.
GIVE ME A FEW DAYS TO EAT ICE CREAM AND VEG OUT.
OF COURSE, HONEY. I PROMISED YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
THAT I WOULD BE HERE WHEN HE LEFT YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE WE'LL JUST CRASH ON ANDREW'S FLOOR.
WHAT? THAT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
NOT AS BAD AS STAYING HERE AND GETTING PICKED APART BY YOU.
I PROMISE I WON'T CRITICIZE YOU.
BESIDES, IF YOU SLEEP ON ANDREW'S FLOOR,
YOU'LL NEED A TETANUS SHOT.
WHAT? I SAID I WOULDN'T CRITICIZE YOU.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.
(sighs)
OKAY, I KNOW THAT LAST NIGHT
I SAID YOU COULD TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED
TO WORK THROUGH WHAT CARLOS AND I TOLD YOU,
BUT...
WHILE YOU'RE TAKING ALL THE TIME YOU NEED,
YOU THINK YOU COULD MAYBE...
TELL ME THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME?
I MEAN...
IF YOU STILL LOVE ME?
(sighs) THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD DO
THAT WOULD MAKE ME STOP LOVING YOU.
MIKE, IT WAS SO HARD TO KEEP THIS FROM YOU,
LIKE, THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.
WELL, AT LEAST I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO DISTANT.
AND TO BE HONEST,
I'M KIND OF RELIEVED YOU WEREN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU KNOW,
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL.
(sighs) OKAY, BUT I HOPE YOU REALIZE
IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT EASY.
TAKE IT FROM A GUY WHO'S DONE THINGS LIKE THIS.
THEY DON'T JUST DISAPPEAR.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT.
(sniffles) BUT I THINK IF I FOCUS ON OTHER STUFF
AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE,
IT'LL BE OKAY.
GREAT.
AND FIRST STEP?
I'M TAKING A PAINTING CLASS AT THE COLLEGE.
IT'S BEING TAUGHT BY ANDRE ZELLER.
OKAY, THAT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.
IT'S LIKE I'M TAKING A FOOTBALL CLASS
FROM PEYTON MANNING.
WHOA.
(laughs)
IT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.
I THINK IT'LL BE A GREAT WAY
TO TAKE MY MIND OFF EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED.
SO I'M GONNA GET MY PORTFOLIO TOGETHER.
MR. ZELLER HAS TO APPROVE ALL HIS STUDENTS.
NOT THAT I'M WORRIED.
OH, AND, MIKE,
FROM NOW ON, I SWEAR,
NO MORE SECRETS BETWEEN US.
IS THAT MY SCHOOL?
THE TINY, LITTLE BUILDING WAY DOWN THERE?
IT WOULD'VE BEEN FASTER IF WE JUST WALKED FROM HOME.
(woman) HEY.
FIRST TIME IN THE "B" LOT, HUH?
WELCOME. WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?
(scoffs) PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
I LET MY KID GET OUT OF THE CAR BY HERSELF.
OOH. DANA TAKE YOUR PLACARD?
YEAH, BUT I'LL GET IT BACK IN A DAY OR TWO.
(laughs) (laughs) ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE'LL HAVE YOU IN HERE FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.
WHAT? SHE CAN'T DO THAT.
OH, YOU WANNA BET?
I TOOK A CELL PHONE CALL IN THE GREEN ZONE.
THAT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.
MY KID HAD PEANUT BUTTER CRACKERS IN HIS LUNCHBOX.
I'M LOOKING AT FOUR TO SIX.
THIS IS CRAZY.
NO, THIS IS DANA.
DANA "THE PAIN-A." PFFT!
DANA "YOU BETTER NOT COMPLAIN-A." (chuckles)
DANA "POWER'S DRIVING ME INSANE-A."
OH, MY GOD. IS THIS WHAT THE "B" LOT DOES TO YOU?
THAT, FOUR KIDS, AND THE FLASK IN HER PURSE. (exhales deeply)
WELL, IF EVERYONE THINKS SHE'S SUCH A PAIN-A,
HOW'D SHE GET THE JOB?
IT'S AN ELECTED POSITION. WE VOTED FOR HER.
WELL, NOT ME. I DON'T VOTE.
ALL RIGHT, WHEN'S THE NEXT P.T.A. MEETING?
THERE'S ONE THURSDAY.
OKAY. I SAY WE BAND TOGETHER,
STORM THAT MEETING, AND GO ALL "BRAVEHEART" ON DANA'S ASS.
WHO'S WITH ME?
YOU GUYS NOT SEEN "BRAVEHEART"?
I KNOW IT'S AN OLD REFERENCE, BUT THIS IS WHEN YOU GO, "YEAH!"
(women, flatly) YEAH.
OH, GOD. COME ON.
IF EVERY FED-UP MOM IN THIS "B" LOT SHOWS UP,
WE CAN BREAK OUR SHACKLES, GET OUR PLACARDS BACK.
WE CAN--OH! THE MOVIE "300."
(imitates Gerard Butler as Leonidas) THIS IS SPARTA!
(normal voice) YOU'VE SEEN THAT, RIGHT?
(women) YEAH!
OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU LADIES THURSDAY.
MM-HMM.
THIS IS EXCELLENT WORK.
THANK YOU, MR. ZELLER.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING--
WHY DOES A PROFESSIONAL ARTIST WHO CAN DO THIS
WANT TO TAKE A PAINTING CLASS?
(chuckles) THAT IS WHAT I'M THINKING.
WELL, MAINLY BECAUSE I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WORK.
THAT SERIES YOU DID BASED ON DANTE'S "INFERNO,"
THE ONE WITH THE GUY CHEWING THE OTHER GUY'S HEAD OFF--
I WISH I COULD PAINT LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE VERY KIND,
BUT THEN AGAIN, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THESE BUNNIES.
UM, DO YOU START WITH WATERCOLOR
AND THEN OUTLINE WITH RAPIDOGRAPH...
ACTUALLY, IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
I HAVE A VERY STEADY HAND.
WELL, CLEARLY.
(chuckles) MY COMPLIMENTS, MS. DELFINO.
TECHNICALLY, THIS IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
OH, THANK YOU.
SO...
OBVIOUSLY, I'M IN.
NO. OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE OUT.
WHAT?
DON'T GET ME WRONG. YOU'RE A FINE ILLUSTRATOR,
BUT THIS ISN'T WHAT I CALL ART.
EXCUSE ME, BUT MY PAINTINGS HAVE BEEN IN DOZENS OF BOOKS,
SOME OF THEM BESTSELLERS.
PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF "DOCTOR PORCUPINE"?
HE HAS A VERY PRICKLY BEDSIDE MANNER. (chuckles)
RIGHT. BUT SEE, WHEN YOU SAY "ART,"
YOU MEAN A HEDGEHOG WITH A STETHOSCOPE,
AND TO ME, ART MEANS REACHING DOWN YOUR THROAT,
TEARING YOUR GUTS OUT, AND SMEARING IT ALL OVER CANVAS.
ANGER, PASSION-- THAT'S WHAT INTERESTS ME.
WELL, UH,
"DOCTOR PORCUPINE LOSES A PATIENT AND KILLS A HOOKER"
DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME RING TO IT.
I'M LOOKING FOR SERIOUS STUDENTS OF THE MEDIUM.
YOU'RE A BORED HOUSEWIFE TRYING TO KILL TIME
BETWEEN SPIN CLASS AND DRIVING YOUR KID TO SOCCER PRACTICE.
HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
UM, JUST BECAUSE I'VE DONE CHILDREN'S BOOKS
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.
REALLY? DO YOU HAVE ANY WORK
THAT REFLECTS WHAT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
OF COURSE I DO.
I'LL BRING IT IN TOMORROW.
I WOULD BRING IT IN NOW, BUT I HAVE TO PICK UP MY SON...
FROM PRISON.
(door opens and closes)
(man) IN 1985, MUSICIAN BOB GELDOF
ORGANIZED A BENEFIT CONCERT TO FIGHT FAMINE IN...
THERE YOU ARE.
THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SURPRISED.
IT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
GUATEMALA. IT'S GUATEMALA!
(woman) ETHIOPIA. LOSER.
(man) ETHIOPIA IS CORRECT! CONGRATULATIONS.
(turns off TV) WELL, GIVEN THAT YOU
WON'T BE MAKING YOUR FORTUNE OFF GAME SHOWS,
PERHAPS IT'S TIME WE HAD THAT TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE.
MOM, I'M STILL HEALING.
MY MARRIAGE FELL APART.
YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
YES, AND I SAT IN THAT SAME CHAIR "HEALING"
AND EVENTUALLY TURNED INTO A RAGING ALCOHOLIC.
OH, MAN.
WINE SOUNDS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW.
WE SHOULD GET A BOTTLE.
WHAT, YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE A SIP?
NO! NOW YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT
PUTTING YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER, GETTING A JOB.
YOU HAVE A SON TO CONSIDER.
OH, JEEZ.
(singsongy) I FOUND YOU!
NOW GO HIDE, AND WE'LL PLAY AGAIN!
ONE, TWO, THREE...
OKAY, THERE IS SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT DOING.
OH. WHAT JOB?
RETAIL? WAITRESSING?
BETTER. MY OWN BUSINESS.
I DESIGNED THIS EXERCISE EQUIPMENT,
AND I THINK I COULD SELL IT ON THE INTERNET.
(chuckles)
DANIELLE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT STARTING A BUSINESS?
I ALREADY HAVE THE DESIGN, AND I WROTE UP A BUSINESS PLAN.
I THINK IT COULD REALLY WORK.
ALL I NEED IS A LITTLE SEED MONEY. SAY $5,000?
$5,000?
WELL, I NEED THE SUPPLIES,
AND I HAVE TO RENT A PLACE TO WORK OUT OF.
I WILL GIVE YOU $500, AND YOU CAN USE THE TEST KITCHEN.
SERIOUSLY?
MOM, THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME.
WELL, I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE SETTING A WONDERFUL EXAMPLE FOR BENJAMIN.
OH, CRAP.
READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!
HEY.
SORRY I'M LATE. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
IF I HAVE MY LUNCH WHILE WE GO OVER OUR SCHEDULES.
THAT'S LUNCH?
PROTEIN SHAKE.
JUST TRYING TO STAY, UH, LEAN AND MEAN.
I DID THAT ONCE.
ALL I GOT WAS MEAN.
HEY, I HAD TO MOVE MY MEETING TO WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.
THINK YOU CAN PICK UP THE KIDS?
I'LL COVER PENNY'S ORTHODONTIST ON FRIDAY.
SURE. AND SATURDAY, PARKER HAS THAT BIRTHDAY.
SINCE THAT'S YOUR DAY,
YOU CAN HAVE HIM LONGER ON SUNDAY, IF YOU WANT.
GREAT. YEAH.
OKAY.
THAT IS EVERYTHING ON MY END. YOU?
UM, I HEARD BACK FROM THAT COUPLES COUNSELOR.
SHE CAN SQUEEZE US IN THURSDAY AT 6:00.
I MEAN, IF YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO THERAPY.
ABSOLUTELY.
OH.
I CAN MAKE THURSDAY WORK.
GOOD. I'LL BOOK THE APPOINTMENT.
(cell phone rings, beep)
HELLO?
HEY.
Y--HEY, CAN I CALL YOU BACK?
OKAY. O-OKAY. HOLD--HOLD ON A SEC.
UM, THIS IS A WORK THING.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED FROM ME?
UH, NO.
OKAY. OKAY.
I WILL... SEE YOU THURSDAY.
OKAY.
HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I, UH, I WAS IN...
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, JILL.
FOR BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT APPETIZERS,
YOU'RE SUGGESTING PRETZELS? WHAT ARE WE, A PUBLIC SCHOOL?
(laughter)
(lowered voice) HEY. SORRY. HEY.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THERE WAS AN A.A. MEETING IN THE GYM?
I SAT THROUGH FIVE "I LEFT MY KID IN THE CAR
WHILE DRINKING" STORIES
BEFORE I REALIZED I WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE.
DOUGHNUT?
(Dana clears throat)
GABRIELLE SOLIS.
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO YOUR FIRST EVER P.T.A. MEETING?
SAME THING THAT BROUGHT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS TO...
WHEREVER THEY WENT
WHEN ALL THAT CRAP HAPPENED WITH ENGLAND--FREEDOM.
FREEDOM?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
FREEDOM TO OPPOSE AN UNJUST RULER
AND HER UNJUST PLACARD-STEALING WAYS.
WE ARE HERE TO TELL YOU YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER.
RIGHT, GIRLS?
GUYS, COME ON!
MELISSA, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THE BLOOD BLISTER YOU GOT HIKING FROM THE "B" LOT?
AND YOU... OTHER WOMAN,
YOU WERE 20 MINUTES LATE TO YOUR MANICURE.
SHOW 'EM YOUR HANDS.
THIS CAN'T GO ON.
SHE'S RIGHT.
YEAH. TELL HER, GABY.
ACCORDING TO YOUR SACRED RULE BOOK,
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS A SNORE FEST,
A GROUP OF FIVE PARENTS CAN SEEK A VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE
IN A PRESIDENT.
SO... I GUESS WE'LL BE TAKING THAT VOTE NOW.
MELISSA, RACHEL...
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
(gasps)
(whispers) NO. IT'S AN OBVIOUS BRIBE.
WELL, IT WORKED. YEAH.
WHAT?
GUESS WE WON'T BE HAVING THAT VOTE AFTER ALL.
SO WHAT? WHAT MORE CAN YOU DO TO ME?
I ALREADY PARK IN THE "B" LOT.
NICE, MOM.
(buzzing)
(singsongy) HELLO!
MOM. I, UH, I ASKED YOU NOT TO COME IN HERE.
I AM NOT STAYING. I JUST THOUGHT
MY LITTLE ENTREPRENEURS COULD USE SOME LEMONADE.
SO...
THIS IS IT, THE BIG INTERNET START-UP.
YES, AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
AS SOON AS WE PUT UP THE SITE, THEY STARTED SELLING LIKE CRAZY.
OVER 200 OF 'EM.
WELL, I STAND CORRECTED. GOOD FOR YOU.
SO HOW EXACTLY DOES THIS EXERCISE EQUIPMENT WORK?
UH, WELL, IT KIND OF INCORPORATES PILATES
AND STRETCHING.
IT'S REALLY MORE FOR SERIOUS ATHLETES.
(telephone ringing) THAT MIGHT BE ANOTHER ORDER. I SHOULD GET THAT.
BUT COULD YOU TAKE BENJAMIN TO GO GET SOME LUNCH?
OF COURSE. BENJY.
(ring, beep)
(door closes)
HELLO. X-STASY SEX SWING.
WE PUT THE SWING BACK IN YOUR SEX LIFE.
YES, IT CAN SUPPORT UP TO 300 POUNDS.
AND WE GUARANTEE MAXIMUM PLEASURE
FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER.
READY?
* TA-DA
IS THIS FOR ME?
UNLESS YOU KNOW ANOTHER PENNY SCAVO
WITH AN INCREDIBLY GENEROUS MOM.
LOOK, IT EVEN HAS A CAMERA.
COOL!
BUT MY BIRTHDAY WAS LAST MONTH.
I KNOW, BUT THIS WAY, WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR DAD'S,
WE CAN VIDEO CHAT,
LIKE, WHEN YOU NEED HELP WITH HOMEWORK
OR YOU'VE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH MATH.
NO, I HAVEN'T.
WELL, YOU MIGHT. SO... BRING IT.
OKAY?
(tablet chirps)
Hey, sweetie. Long time no see.
Mom, you just dropped me off.
REALLY? IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER.
The gum you gave me in the car still has flavor.
WELL, I MISS YOU.
Actually, since you called,
we're multiplying mixed fractions,
and I'm kind of-- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. CAN YOU MOVE YOUR HEAD?
Uh, sure.
So do I need a common denominator?
HONEY, THE SUN'S CREATING A GLARE.
WOULD YOU MIND TURNING YOUR SCREEN JUST A SCOOCH?
Okay.
OOH.
(chuckles) DAD'S NEW PLACE LOOKS NICE.
Yeah, it is.
HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE FUN?
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A TOUR?
JUST TURN YOUR TABLET AROUND AND SCAN THE ROOM.
(sighs)
Oh, big-screen TV.
There's a 9.0 on the predictability scale.
EMPTY PIZZA BOX, DIRTY PLATE, DIRTY GLASS.
It's nice he's kept the same decorating scheme.
MY ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED.
Little longer. Think light thoughts.
STOP. GO BACK.
I WANT TO SEE YOUR DAD'S NEW LOVELY... CURTAINS.
(both speaking inaudibly)
WOW.
THEY'RE NICE.
BUT THEY SEEM A LITTLE YOUNG FOR HIM.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S CHLOE.
SHE LIVES IN THE BUILDING. SHE'S REALLY NICE.
(scoffs)
APPARENTLY.
SO... IS CHLOE AROUND A LOT?
Sometimes.
She teaches a Booty Burn Ballet class,
so she's mostly at the fitness center.
Hey, Mom. Dad's got black toilets.
You wanna see them?
NO, THANKS. I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
Okay. So when I multiply these fractions--
OKAY, SWEETIE, I LOVE YOU.
OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT. MM-HMM.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO YOU?
LONELINESS, ISOLATION,
NOT LONG AGO, THIS TREE WAS LUSH AND GREEN,
BUT NOW IT'S, UH, LOST ITS LEAVES,
AND WINTER'S AHEAD.
AND IT'S JUST DOING WHAT IT CAN TO SURVIVE.
SO LET ME GUESS-- YOU'RE THE TREE.
OH, OKAY.
YOU'RE... MOCKING ME AGAIN.
WELL, GOOD-BYE.
HOLD ON. WE'RE HAVING AN ARTISTIC DIALOGUE HERE.
I BET YOUR NIGHT WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS--
YOU WENT HOME AND ASKED YOURSELF,
"HOW DO I PROVE TO ANDRE ZELLER THAT I'M DEEP?"
(thud)
SO YOU DUG DOWN THROUGH THE CUPCAKES
AND THE THROW PILLOWS
AND THE ONCE-A-WEEK SEX OF YOUR LIFE
TO YOUR VERY CORE,
AND YOU FOUND THIS SAD LITTLE TREE.
"AND IT'S SO PROFOUND
"BECAUSE THE TREE'S LONELY, JUST LIKE I AM
NOW THAT 'OPRAH'S' OFF THE AIR ."
HOW DARE YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
WHAT'S TO KNOW? YOU'RE SHALLOW,
AND YOUR WORK IS SHALLOW, AND GOD BLESS,
BECAUSE IF I HAD YOUR LIFE, I'D BE PAINTING BUNNIES, TOO.
YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE NICE AND PRETTY.
YOU'RE AFRAID OF UGLY.
YOU--YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF UGLY?
YOU WANT UGLY?
(cap clatters)
THERE.
THERE'S SOME UGLY FOR YOU.
YOU WANT PASSION?
WELL, HERE YOU GO. THERE'S PASSION.
PASSION ALL OVER THE PLACE.
YOU KNOW, I AM NOT SOME SHALLOW SOCCER MOM.
I HAVE DONE THINGS THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE.
I HAVE ANGER!
AND I HAVE PAIN!
I HAVE SECRETS IN ME THAT I WISH...
I COULD GET RID OF, AND I CAN'T!
(pants)
IT'S FINE. YOU KNOW, YOU--YOU'VE MADE YOUR MIND UP ABOUT ME.
SO SCREW YOUR CLASS, SCREW YOUR MEDIUM.
SCREW YOU!
WOW.
AH, THERE YOU ARE.
HEY, DO YOU HAVE A RECIPE FOR...
OH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
FOR WHAT?
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AND CHUCK WERE BACK TOGETHER.
WE'RE NOT.
WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SEX SWING?
A WHAT?
OH, NO. THIS IS, UH, DANIELLE'S NEW BUSINESS.
SHE'S MAKING EXERCISE EQUIPMENT.
UH, YEAH,
FOR A VERY SPECIFIC KIND OF EXERCISE.
(gasps)
SEX SWING?
I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF SUCH A THING.
NOW DON'T TRY THIS ONE IF YOU GET DIZZY EASILY.
OH!
(Danielle) MOM?
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT?
WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!
I'LL WRITE YOU A CHECK LATER.
A SEX SWING IN MY TEST KITCHEN?
DO YOU REALIZE I USED TO MAKE PEOPLE WEAR HAIRNETS IN HERE?
DANIELLE, I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
GOSH, WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?
OH, DON'T YOU TRY TO TURN THIS AROUND ON ME!
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I FOUND SOMETHING THAT I'M GOOD AT AND THAT'S SUCCESSFUL,
AND THAT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!
YOU JUST LIVE TO JUDGE ME.
DANIELLE.
DANIELLE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
(door closes)
NO, I'M TELLING YOU. IT WAS BAD.
ANDRE PROBABLY CALLED THE LOONEY BIN,
AND THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY HERE RIGHT NOW WITH A BUTTERFLY NET.
IT'S OKAY, BABE.
NO, IT'S NOT. I JUST RAN OUT OF THERE.
I-I-I FORGOT MY PORTFOLIO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL CAME OVER ME.
SUSAN...
I KNOW HOW BADLY YOU WANT
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE WOODS TO GO AWAY,
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
IT'S NOT GOING TO.
IT'S PART OF YOU.
NO.
N--MNH.
I-I DON'T WANT IT TO BE.
I DON'T WANT IT TO BE EITHER,
JUST LIKE I DON'T WANT MY DARK STUFF TO BE PART OF ME,
BUT IT IS.
(crying) MIKE, PLEASE. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS.
I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.
IF YOU CAN ACCEPT THIS AS PART OF YOU,
MAYBE YOU CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE WITH IT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T,
THAT'S WHEN IT JUMPS OUT WITHOUT WARNING.
AND TRUST ME,
THAT'S A BAD WAY TO LIVE.
SO...
THINGS ARE NEVER GONNA BE THE WAY THEY WERE?
THINGS...
ARE HOW THEY ARE.
YOU OKAY?
(M.J.) MOMMY, WILL YOU CHECK MY MATH WORKSHEET?
IT'S REALLY HARD.
SURE. SURE, HONEY.
(exhales deeply)
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING HOW I GOT HERE,
THE U.P.S. MAN HEARD MY CRIES AND CUT ME DOWN.
SUFFICE IT TO SAY, WE'RE FedEx PEOPLE NOW.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU THINK THAT I AM JUDGMENTAL.
THINK?
"DANIELLE, YOU SHOULD'VE GONE TO COLLEGE."
"DANIELLE, YOU DRESS LIKE A STREETWALKER."
"DANIELLE, I KNEW YOUR MARRIAGE WOULDN'T LAST."
YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY IS YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHY ARE YOU ADMITTING THIS?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID,
AND I REALIZE I AM FAR FROM PERFECT.
I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SO CRITICAL.
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
JUST KNOW THAT A CERTAIN RECENT... EVENT
MADE ME AWARE THAT I AM IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE YOU
OR ANYONE ELSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
(sighs) IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE POINT IS...
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?
WOW.
THAT'S, LIKE, THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER SAID THAT.
THANK YOU. AND...
YES, I FORGIVE YOU.
AND TO PROVE THAT I AM SINCERE,
I WOULD LIKE TO INVEST IN YOUR BUSINESS
AND SUPPORT YOU IN MAKING
THOSE DISGUSTING...LY HAPPY SWINGS.
YOU MEAN LIKE A SILENT PARTNER?
A SILENT, INVISIBLE,
AND COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE PARTNER
WHO SUPPORTS YOU FROM FAR, FAR AWAY.
(sighs)
I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
MM!
(sighs)
NOW... GO PACK UP YOUR SEX FACTORY,
AND I WILL BAKE US SOME COOKIES.
(sighs)
YOU'RE ABOUT TO PAINT A HUNDRED BAD PAINTINGS,
SO LET'S GET THOSE OUT OF THE WAY
SO YOU CAN START PAINTING THE GOOD ONES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
UH, I FORGOT MY PORTFOLIO.
SIT DOWN.
EXCUSE ME?
SIT DOWN. YOU'RE LATE.
UM...
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE LETTING ME JOIN THE CLASS?
FOR NOW.
BUT THAT WOMAN WHO SHOWED UP YESTERDAY--THE CRAZY ONE--
SHE BETTER BE HERE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
OH.
I-I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT WOMAN.
SHE SCARES ME.
GOOD.
OKAY, I WANT YOU TO START
BY FORGETTING EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ABOUT BRUSH TECHNIQUE.
I'VE SEEN YOUR PAINTING.
EITHER YOU HEARD IT WRONG,
OR IT WAS WRONG.
(sighs)
HEY. ARE YOU READY FOR OUR WALK?
ACTUALLY, CHANGE OF PLANS.
I THOUGHT WE'D GO TO THAT BOOTY BURN BALLET CLASS
AT THE FITNESS CENTER. WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING. CAN'T A WOMAN JUST WANNA BURN HER BOOTY?
FINE. I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT TOM SEEING SOMEONE.
SHE'S AN AEROBICS TEACHER.
(sighs) OF COURSE SHE IS. CLICHE MUCH?
SO I'M THINKING, I'LL GO TO HER CLASS, AND I'LL--
ACTUALLY, I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M THINKING.
YOU'RE THINKING YOU WANNA SPY ON THIS WOMAN
AND SEE WHAT SHE'S LIKE, THEN KEY HER CAR ON THE WAY OUT.
IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SO I'M NOT CRAZY? I SHOULDN'T JUST BE DIRECT
AND ASK TOM IF HE'S SEEING SOMEONE?
WHY? SO HE CAN LIE TO YOU
THROUGH HIS UNNATURALLY WHITE TEETH?
OKAY, THEN.
I GUESS WE'RE GOING.
YEAH. UH, BOOTY BURN BALLET--
THINK WE CAN DO THIS?
OH, PLEASE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
(dance music playing)
AM I THE ONLY ONE ABOUT TO PASS OUT?
NO. I KEEP SEEING MY DEAD GRANDFATHER
AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL,
SAYING "COME TOWARD THE LIGHT."
KEEP GOING, LADIES. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE THIGHS!
DID SHE JUST USE A CIVIL RIGHTS RALLYING CRY
TO GET US TO LOSE ASS FAT?
FIRST TIME, HUH?
OH, WHAT GAVE ME AWAY?
THE FACT THAT THIS WAS LIGHT BLUE WHEN I CAME IN?
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS
IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK, I'M A DOCTOR.
THE BAD NEWS IS IF YOU HAVE ONE, I'M NOT.
OKAY, SO IF I DIE,
PLEASE PUT ME ASS UP IN THE COFFIN.
I'D HATE FOR ALL THIS WORK TO GO TO WASTE.
(groans) (Chloe claps)
ON YOUR FEET, LADIES.
(panting) OKAY, WE'VE CHECKED OUT THE COMPETITION.
CAN WE GO NOW?
NO.
I WANT TO TALK TO HER.
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
TIME TO WORK THOSE QUADS.
I DON'T KNOW WHO I HATE MORE RIGHT NOW--YOU OR HER.
50 LUNGES!
JUMP TOWARDS YOUR SKINNY, SKINNY FUTURE.
AND WE HAVE A WINNER.
HI. IT'S MRS. SOLIS.
CAN YOU TELL SEAN I'M RUNNING ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATE
FOR MY BROW-WAXING APPOINTMENT? (shifts gears)
WHAT? YOU CAN'T HOLD IT FOR ME?
BUT I'VE GOT CATERPILLARS OVER MY EYES.
FINE. I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
JUANITA, GET BACK IN THE CAR. (door closes)
WE'RE GOING DROP-OFF.
(tires peal)
(children shouting playfully)
GABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
YOU CAN'T BE IN THE CARPOOL LANE WITHOUT A PLACARD.
DON'T GIVE A CRAP. IT'S TIME SOMEBODY TAUGHT DANA A LESSON.
WE NEED TO BREAK THE BACK OF OUR OPPRESSOR.
(blows whistle) MOBILIZE THE CONES!
(tires screech)
GET OUT, SWEETIE. GO. GO. GO, GO, GO!
(gasps)
(tires screech, thud)
(sighs)
I'M NEVER GONNA GET THAT EYEBROW WAX.
AGAIN, DANA, I AM SO SORRY.
ON THE UPSIDE, THAT CAST IS SO SLIMMING.
IT'S LIKE A HARD SPANX.
GABY, THERE'S A REASON I ASKED TO SEE YOU.
YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME MY PLACARD BACK. (chuckles)
NO. COULD YOU HAND ME THOSE PAINKILLERS?
I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE
ON SOME SCHOOL-RELATED NEWS.
GIVEN MY CONDITION,
THEY'VE INFORMED ME THAT I'M NO LONGER ABLE
TO CARRY OUT MY DUTIES AS P.T.A. PRESIDENT.
THAT'S A BUMMER.
YES, IT IS.
THE BYLAWS STATE I'M TO APPOINT AN ACTING PRESIDENT,
AND I'VE MADE MY DECISION.
ME?
WAIT. YOU HATE ME.
VERY PERCEPTIVE.
THAT'LL SERVE YOU WELL AS P.T.A. PRESIDENT.
W--OKAY, WAIT.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I WAS LIKE BEFORE I TOOK THIS JOB.
I WAS FUN.
I DRANK AT SCHOOL FUNCTIONS.
MY BOOB FELL OUT AT THE HOLIDAY PARTY.
I STILL HAD A HUSBAND.
SO WHAT TURNED YOU INTO THIS?
THE JOB DID. MM-HMM.
AND IT'S GONNA DO THE SAME TO YOU.
YEAH, NO TIME FOR MANICURES
'CAUSE YOU'LL BE PLANNING THE WINTER GALA.
NO MORE SEEING YOUR HUSBAND
BECAUSE YOU'LL BE ORGANIZING THE BAKE SALE.
AND NO MORE FRIENDS,
BECAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE HITTING THEM UP FOR SOMETHING.
WELL, AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOUR LITTLE REVENGE FANTASY SOUNDS,
I'M GONNA PASS.
THEN I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND PRESS CHARGES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I HAVE WITNESSES
WHO HEARD YOU SAY YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK MY BACK.
(clenches teeth) AND I DO HAVE A BROKEN BACK.
(inhales deeply)
SO THE WINTER GALA... (pills rattle)
IT'S IN THE WINTER, RIGHT?
(cap clicks)
THAT'S INTERESTING. INTERESTING.
SO REALLY, YOU HAVE THREE CAREERS.
YOU'RE A AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR, AROMATHERAPIST,
AND A LINGERIE MODEL.
WELL, LINGERIE MODELING IS MORE OF A HOBBY THAN A CAREER.
OH. BUT WHEN GOD GIVES YOU THESE...
(chuckles) RIGHT.
ARE YOU SURE GOD GAVE YOU THOSE? (chuckles)
I'M JUST KIDDING.
IT'S NICE TALKING TO YOU, CHLOE.
READY TO GO?
YES.
SO?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT THRILLED. LOOK AT HER.
BUT IT COULD BE WORSE.
HOW?
SHE COULD LOOK LIKE THAT
AND HAVE A SINGLE THOUGHT IN HER HEAD.
I MEAN, THERE'S NO WAY TOM'S EVER GONNA GET SERIOUS
ABOUT A WOMAN LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
YEAH. SHE'S JUST A FLING. MM.
A PALATE CLEANSER. (chuckles)
THE SORBET YOU EAT BETWEEN COURSES.
I'M REALLY SORRY I SAID THAT.
I GIVE THE WHOLE THING THREE WEEKS.
(Tom) LYNETTE?
HEY! TOM. WHAT'S--WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR. OKAY.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I KNOW.
KNOW WHAT?
WH--
OKAY. (sighs)
WE JUST HAD DINNER A COUPLE OF TIMES.
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.
WHATEVER.
SO THIS IS HOW YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING YOUR FREE TIME NOW,
SPYING ON ME?
WELL, THAT'S A BRILLIANT STRATEGY, TOM.
ACT LIKE I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG.
YOU'RE THE ONE DATING THE UNDERWEAR MODEL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CHLOE? I'M NOT DATING CHLOE.
JEEZ, LYNETTE, GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT.
THEN YOU HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING DINNER WITH? WHY ARE YOU HERE?
I AM PICKING UP JANE, CHLOE'S MOM.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF DINNERS AND COFFEE.
OH, IT'S COFFEE NOW?
GOD, TOM, WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME THIS?
THURSDAY, IN COUNSELING.
YOU READY TO GO?
YEAH.
LYNETTE, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS THURSDAY, RIGHT?
WHAT'S THE POINT?
YES, WE OFTEN LEARN OUR MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS
OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM--
THE PAINFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE STATE OF A RELATIONSHIP...
THE UGLY COST OF CHALLENGING AUTHORITY...
THE SAD FACT THAT LIFE'S COLORS AREN'T ALWAYS ROSY...
THEN THERE ARE THOSE
WHO REFUSE TO ACCEPT THESE IMPORTANT LESSONS.
THEY SIMPLY WAIT FOR THE CHANCE
TO TEACH A LESSON OF THEIR OWN.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL STEWING ABOUT THAT REDHEAD.
WELL, I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF GETTING LED ON
AND HUMILIATED, SO, YEAH, I'M NOT...
DON'T THINK I'M LETTING GO OF THIS ONE YET.
SUIT YOURSELF.
I GOT SOME MISSING PERSON REPORTS HERE FOR YOU.
JUST TOSS 'EM OVER THERE.