♪ ["WITHOUT YOU" BY PERFUME GENIUS PLAYING] ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Morning, followers. Gossip Girl here.
Márquez once said, "We all have three lives.
-A public life, a private life..." - You have any fun, at least?
- Of course. Always. - "...and a secret life."
I'm off to Berlin. I'll be back tomorrow.
- GOSSIP GIRL: But he left out the most important one. - Love you, Dad.
- [CELLPHONE PINGS] - GOSSIP GIRL: Our dating life.
♪ It's a blurry shape...♪
GOSSIP GIRL: And ever since JC got ditched by Noble O
for a little Z, she's been on an international manhunt
for a worthy replacement.
She's gone truffle hunting
with the Italian prime minister's son...
[TALKING IN ITALIAN]
The truffle is a passion, and you need passion to hunt them.
But this dress is a sample.
GOSSIP GIRL: ...yachting with the last Shah of Iran's grandson...
Might I invite you to steam in my huge hammam?
GOSSIP GIRL: She even shared a green juice
with the Bonus Jonas.
All he could talk about was how PC told him
he was cuter than Joe and Kevin combined.
GOSSIP GIRL: Spies tell us nary a one
wanted a second bite at her apple.
What?
GOSSIP GIRL: Perhaps this will provide a temporary balm?
Little Z may occupy JC's former residence
on the arm of the prince of New York,
but she's definitely not to the manor born.
Hope the prince doesn't lose interest,
or Little Z may find herself Lonely Z.
Maybe they're sisters after all.
The throne is waiting, but it won't sit empty for long.
♪ [SONG CONCLUDES]
MONET DE HAAN: Quelle disaster.
Even Timothée rescinded his invite to MIPCOM
after seeing these!
MONET: You need to stop being so choosey.
Everyone knows the only way to get over an heir is to get under another one.
I tried. I guess heirs just aren't as giving as I'm used to.
I didn't like any of them.
You don't have to like them, you just have to date them.
MONET: Jules, I hate to say this to you,
because fuck the patriarchy, right?
But, um, the men always win this.
Brad Pitt is ancient,
yet he wins an Oscar for showing his desiccated abs,
while a still-prime Angelina disappears a Disney witch.
Maybe it doesn't have to be about a man?
Millie Bobby Brown isn't defined by who she dates.
Millie Bobby Brown is pre-sexual.
You need a new Brad or it's Havisham for you.
- Also, fuck the patriarchy. - AUDREY HOPE: Jules.
- Do you have to pee? - No.
Oh, me too. Thank you. Bye. [CHUCKLES]
So, if I tell you something,
do you swear on your Loewe not to tell anyone?
- Did you kill someone? - Worse.
I may have slept with Max.
- May have or did? - I did! I did!
I slept with Max! I slept with Max many times.
What? Why?
When? Basically all of the interrogatives.
You've known him for a decade. Why now?
I don't know what happened. Kiki drama? Sexual ennui?
My apparently latent self-destructive tendencies?
It was one night. One long, surprisingly informative night,
like, Jules...
- Are you gonna tell Aki? - I mean, I feel terrible,
but it had nothing to do with him. I love him.
Until I can give him a reason for these anomalous actions,
why cause him pain with the truth?
Consider my friend-DA signed.
I just hope Gossip Girl doesn't find out.
You're right. Now that she's verified,
if she posts it, people might believe it's true.
It is true.
I know! I'm a bad person! I'm a bad person!
I'm a terrible person.
Why, because you wiped out at LES?
No, but I deserve to. I'm a terrible person.
You are like the last person to be classified as terrible.
- What if I told you I cheated on Audrey? - I wouldn't believe you.
What if I told you I may have made out with someone
other than Audrey?
- You may have or you did? - I did!
I made out with someone.
Okay, um... Was it a one-time thing,
- or this was a recurring-- - Yes. Never again. Just once.
Okay then, who cares?
I mean, you still want to be with Audrey, right?
Of course. I love her.
This had nothing to do with her.
Okay, then why cause her the stress and embarrassment of your fuck-up?
You know what I mean?
Look, if it was a mistake, just learn from it and move on.
And make sure that whoever she is...
does not kiss and tell.
- ♪ [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[JULIEN CALLOWAY CLEARS THROAT]
- That wasn't awkward. - Shh!
- Gossip Girl could be listening! - Yeah, she's everywhere.
- Hey. Something's up. - I know. It's working.
No. Something else. Check your e-mail.
Burton called a mandatory meeting after school.
- KATE KELLER: I'm sure it's unrelated. - I'm not.
♪ ["SAME DAMN LUCK" BY NILUFER YANYA PLAYING] ♪
STUDENT 1: Oh, my God. There she is.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING] - STUDENT 2: She knows? Taylor, did you see this?
[STUDENTS GOSSIPING]
STUDENT 3: I don't know, I gotta go for Pizza Rat. [LAUGHS]
♪ News, all bad news lately...
"Who wore it better? Pizza Face or Pizza Rat?"
Just forget about it, all right?
By the time you refresh, it'll be gone.
Wow, you're right. And now it's a poll.
♪ They all knew...
If it makes you feel any better, that rat is an iconic New Yorker.
Yeah, so is Zora Neale Hurston,
but no one's comparing me to her.
Okay, this is why I stay off of social media entirely.
Well, you don't even have to. Whenever you eat,
it looks like a dinner party in T magazine.
[CHUCKLES]
Speaking of dinner, my dad would like to have you over.
He said since I'm staying at Constance
and I appear to be serious about you,
he'd like to get to know you better.
Um... I'm stuck on "appear to be."
He's a lawyer. It's always about how it appears to be.
But don't feel obligated to it. It's just...
No, are you kidding? I mean, we can't hang out in...
morning runs and free periods and walks home forever.
I want to take you out on a...
- a real date. - [CHUCKLES]
And I understand your dad's apprehension.
So I will bring all the charm that I own.
♪ Don't assume, assume
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]
- Tragic. Just look at her. - LUNA LA: I can't.
My transition Lapimas don't dim from daylight to depression.
Yeah, we've worked too hard
to let Julien abdicate without a fight.
I know, but we've tried every man on the Quest 400 list.
Who's left?
Maybe it isn't about a man. Maybe it's her.
Are you guys talking about me?
- No. Of course not. - Totally and completely, yeah.
I don't need you to pile on too, Max. I'm exhausted.
You want to know why no one you've been on a date with wants to get to know you better? Hmm?
It's 'cause they can't.
You're a billboard, not a body.
Curated, untouchable, willingly filtered by you,
- your stylist and publicist. - PR representative.
It's like I lost myself somehow.
Which is why I propose that we find her together.
A Manhattan Maxploration, tonight.
Consider me your White Rabbit.
We're gonna do things that you've never done before,
in places you have never gone before.
And when we are done, you are gonna be so real,
that even Obie will remember
why he loved you in the first place.
Audrey can vouch for how good I am at demolishing inhibitions.
Fine, go out.
But don't worry about how it looks.
Do it for yourself and do not document it.
- Document it! - Oh, my God, document it.
You in?
♪ [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- I'm in. - ♪ [MUSIC STOPS]
VIVIAN BURTON: I know you're all curious
why I called this all-hands.
And so I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Gossip Girl.
I'm sure you're aware of it.
An anonymous Instagram account that spies on our students
and spreads rumors about them,
students whose parents rather generously
keep the lights on around here.
And many of those parents are now threatening
to pull their donations if this situation isn't solved.
- We're dead. Worse than dead. - BURTON: My predecessor...
- A Netflix documentary on dead people. - [WHISPERS] Jordan.
...of a pernicious presence that would sabotage
students' studies,
their social lives, even hijack graduation.
And now it's happening again.
- Vivian, if I may? - Oh, of course, Linda.
I've found Gossip Girl surprisingly helpful.
My students have seemed, I don't know, more mindful
of what they say and...
what they do around each other.
I agree. I'd even go so far as to say
the students are more respectful to us as well.
HENRY SCHACHTER: With apologies to my wife and Mr. Caparros,
I firmly disagree. Gossip Girl is a cancer.
Kids are on their phones more now than ever.
And in class.
Well, to address Mr. Schacter's very valid concern,
students will no longer
have access to their phones during the school day.
That's gonna be bad for business.
And you may have noticed some new bodies in our halls.
One of our parents has graciously donated
a consultancy with an intelligence agency.
They will conduct a swift investigation
to determine the source of our stress.
By this time next week,
Gossip Girl must be exposed and expelled.
Oh, my God, they hired Black Cube!
Let's not panic. We just have to keep them off our scent.
You're all following GG from your own accounts, right?
Rude, of course we are.
Okay. Then, like the posts and watch the videos.
A lot of teachers do, so if you don't, you stand out.
And no DMs from your accounts to GG ever.
REEMA: We also shouldn't post from school, right?
- They could trace it? - I put a firewall on the server.
As long as you stay on our Wi-Fi, you're safe.
How can you be so sure?
I'm the computer science teacher.
And don't post during school hours.
Now that kids won't have phones, it could point towards faculty.
But as soon as the bell rings, I'll keep the posts flowing.
It would cast more light on us if we slowed after that meeting.
Maybe mix things up a little?
Shine some of that light on teachers,
make it look more like it's a disgruntled student?
Got any dirt from the home office?
Ready to get buried? We can start with the Schacters.
Henry's been having an affair with Libby the Librarian.
Ooh.
Make that item blind.
Maybe there are more affairs around here
and we can get some great tips?
ROY: They had perfect porcinis at Eataly today,
so I told Rocky risotto ai funghi is imperative.
Even though, um, your dad is doing "keto" again.
- [LAUGHS] - Which we both know is a lie. [CHUCKLES]
Oh. There was never an entrance he didn't make.
- Or a corset he couldn't cinch. - Oh, this old McQueen?
ROY: Your, uh, your hair is different.
Serge gave me a blowout. You like?
It's, um... It's voluminous.
GIDEON: Oh, Rocky, this looks glorious.
ROCKY: As do you.
So, where are you off to after this?
Critics preview for Jeremy O. Harris's new play:
AARON at The Public.
- Mm. - GIDEON: It's, um...
A very loose adaptation of Titus Andronicus...
focusing on Aaron the moor.
Gore and genitals? Save me a full-frontal seat.
I have. Opening's tomorrow night.
There's a ticket block for all of your friends.
And Pops.
What are you going to do tonight while I'm at the preview, hon?
Stay home. Working on the plans
for Ina and Jeffrey's hornbeam hedge.
[ROY CHUCKLES]
You know, maybe it's best
not to wear that tomorrow night.
Mm! And this is keto.
OBIE BERGMANN: As that essentially forces them out of this neighborhood
and leaves the area wide open for developers
who were already circling.
Like your parents?
Yeah, and everybody else who sees the Navy Yard
as this billion-dollar waterfront property
and not a neighborhood.
But I think that...
privilege ignores the realities of systemic issues.
I'm surprised to hear you speak about your family this way.
Yeah, well, it's nothing I haven't told them.
[CHUCKLES] And they... they support me.
They want me to remind them, keep them honest.
- Hey, Z? - Hmm?
Feel like joining the conversation?
I'm-- I'm sorry. I... I know I'm being rude.
It's just, I'm trending.
Or at least, the hashtag "Zugly" is.
It's Luna La.
- She started it. - How do you know?
"Hey Ju-lions! Let's get the hashtag 'Zugly' trending."
It's all so toxic. I tried to tell Julien
- that social media was ruining her life-- - [NICK LOTT CLEARS THROAT]
How about we put away our phones...
and discuss how much I'm enjoying
getting to know Obie here?
Are you, um, are you enjoying it enough
to consider letting us go on a real date?
- Not yet. - Okay.
[CHUCKLES] But, you know, getting closer.
[BOTH MOANING]
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [SIGHS] Sorry. - What's wrong?
Just not into eye contact tonight.
Yeah!
[MOANING] Keep going!
Keep going!
- Whoa! - Oh, sorry.
No. Just wasn't expecting that--
- I guess I overshot. - By a lot.
[PANTING]
I'm sorry.
It just caught me by surprise.
Uh... Just need some time to, uh... recoup.
Yeah, take your time.
♪ ["IPHONE" BY RICO NASTY PLAYING] ♪
♪ Smoking so much gas I forgot to put my mask on ♪
- Woo! - [CORK POPPING]
♪ Called you off my iPhone
♪ Let me hold my hair for you While you put my-- ♪
♪ ["ACID RAIN" BY LXURY PLAYING] ♪
[CHEERING]
Status update?
Uh, you're in your underwear in the Daily Mail.
I'm in my underwear on the Daily Mail.
[CHEERING]
We'll WhatsApp that to Timothée.
Actually, don't. You'll get arrested.
Want some?
Uh... No, thank you, I'm intermittent fasting.
But offer some to that girl there? Hey.
All right, so you're allowed no more than two
but no less than one.
I love solving inequalities!
[SNORTING, MOANING]
[SNIFFS] Oh!
- [JULIEN SNORTS, GASPS] - Oh, okay.
- What was that? - Space coke.
- Is that like coke from NASA? - It's coke with ketamine.
Oh!
- ♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES] - [JULIEN EXCLAIMING]
- MAX: Yeah! [LAUGHING] - Woo!
I'll help with dessert in a moment!
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [DIAL TONE RINGING] - [PHONE VIBRATES]
What is it? Is it an Amber Alert?
Someone's calling you.
- ZOYA: Hello? - Do not call list.
- It-- It's Zoya. - LUNA: I don't know her.
I know you made the Zugly hashtag.
Yes, and?
ZOYA: And I'm asking you to stop it?
Mm! An ingenious portmanteau like that
only derives from a place of truth.
You can't dress like the Paramus Uniqlo's back-to-school sale
- and not expect some feedback. - [NOTIFICATION BELL PINGS]
- My name's-- - No.
- ZOYA: So, what are you saying? - [CLEARS THROAT]
I could, um, try to Pygmalion you.
Pygmalion me?
Queer Eye, Princess Diary, Pretty Womanyou.
Yeah, I know the reference.
I'm just surprised you do. Isn't it anti-feminist?
I don't mean a feminized transformation
in order to please a cis man.
I'm talking elevating your taste level
so that no one calls you Zugly again.
Look, I don't want to become some inauthentic version of myself.
When I'm done with you, you won't know the difference.
As long as you're on Obie's arm, you're in the spotlight.
It can be a blinding glare or a benevolent glow.
- LUNA: So what's it gonna be? - Well--
- [LINE DISCONNECTS] - [SIGHS]
If Julien falls, we aren't going down with her.
Might as well get in with the new world order.
- [SIGHS] Well, that was-- - Informative?
Sometimes it's important to experiment to see what you like.
Or don't.
I love you. Good night.
I love you too.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
GOSSIP GIRL: This just in.
Looks like one of Constance's most constant couples
isn't as coupled as we thought.
We hear one half strayed, but not too far from the nest,
in fact, with someone close to both parties.
You okay, babe?
Yeah, just, uh... reading Sight and Sound. You?
Town and Country.
GOSSIP GIRL: That's the fun thing about blind items.
We often don't see what's right in front of our eyes.
♪ [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- I love your cat suit. - Thank you!
It's my cast aside cat suit!
Oh, babe, whoever broke up with you
doesn't deserve you in the first place.
♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]
My boyfriend dumped me for my sister-- well, half-sister--
who I basically imported from, like, Siberia.
So I am on the warpath to get over him tonight.
- LOLA: You are a warrior! - I am.
- I am a warrior! - LOLA: Maybe I should be, too.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year,
and he still won't go public with me.
We go off-peak to off-grid places like this.
Or I sleep over two nights a week at his pied-à-terre.
Sounds like he's hiding something.
Bring him to the red table!
LOLA: I should.
Like, is it his problem or mine for caring so much?
The moral of the story? You can't rely on any man.
You can only rely on yourself, right?
That's so fucking true.
♪ [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Are we swiping? - Uh, GPSing.
It is one on Wednesday.
We need to see where the migaytion is flocking on.
- [JULIEN CHUCKLES] - MAX: I'll check the LES.
Oh... Tap him, he's cute. [GASPS] And he likes pigs!
- Oh, that's not what that means. - What? [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
My dad.
No, my dad.
GOSSIP GIRL: And sometimes, when we least expect it,
our eyes are opened for us.
My advice? Don't look away.
♪ [HURRIED MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Something happened.
They're calling teachers in for private interviews.
What? Why? We did everything right.
I told you, they're Black Cube!
- They know things! - It's a crusade.
They won't stop till there's a head on a spike.
I once saw on an episode of The Americans
that if you squeeze your anus, you can dupe a lie detector.
All Burton wants is for this to go away.
She won't stop until it does.
Which is why we need to end it for her.
We need a fall guy.
How about a fall gay?
He refused to join us and knows our secrets.
- Two birds, one stone? - We can't do that. Can we?
He's too big of a fish to fry.
Then who? We need to scapegoat someone
before we're strapped to the chair ourselves.
- Shit. Shit. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You, uh, rough night?
- Um... One could say that. - You okay?
I'm actually glad I ran into you.
The craziest thing happened
and I just need to talk about it with someone I can trust.
Last night...
- You know what, forget it. - No, um, it's, um--
I'm sorry, all right? It's just, I probably shouldn't--
Yeah, of course. You shouldn't. But you did anyway, so.
♪ [MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, did you come in the side way? I've been waiting for you!
Someone sent Deuxmoi my old Dubsmashes,
- and now everyone is just la-- - [CHUCKLES]
You can't use your phone at school!
Hey. All right. Okay, okay. All right. Look, look, look,
I know what's gonna cheer you up.
Your dad gave us permission for our first real date!
Yeah. And I got us tickets to Jeremy O. Harris's new play. Opening night.
When I told him what it was, he caved because he knows
how important theater is to you and everything.
And you can tell me what it all means afterwards.
'Cause you know, off-Broadway is like...
all confusing and...
- I thought you loved the theater? - No, I do. I do.
And I couldn't be more excited. Excuse me.
- You told Gossip Girl about us? - Shizukani, Akeno.
I have not had enough espresso or Vyvanse for this encounter.
- So you admit you did it? - What, spill the bathwater?
No, of course not.
Do you know how many people cheat in this school?
This place has more side pieces than Versailles.
She could have meant any couple.
That post was clearly me
- and Aud-- - What about me?
Um... That, uh, you look good enough to eat.
Oh.
Could you get me a contraband straw?
This paper ones always break.
What the hell, Wolfe! You told Gossip Girl about us?
Oh, for fuck's sake, not this again.
- Again? What do you mean again? - Why is everyone on my case?
I have a lot of things on my mind right now
and your lesbian bed death is certainly not one of them.
You know what? If you're so worried about it getting out,
maybe you shouldn't have done it in the first place!
This one's made of wheat.
Progress report on the sins of our fathers?
I searched the entire house last night
and couldn't find a thing.
No hidden passages from the service entrance to his room.
No stray La Perlas in the closet.
No sign of a girlfriend at all. So, he is hiding her.
- But why? - Hm.
I Insta-stalked her. Lola Morgan.
- Singer-songwriter. - Hm, that tracks.
I'm determined to gain clarity on this.
What about you?
I gently prodded Dad and he said they've never opened,
so I don't know why Pops is on there "newly single."
So of course, I had to take drastic measures.
He probably has his reasons. Maybe just leave it alone?
Mm... Maybe Davis has his and you should too?
ZOYA: The Prince and the Popo?
LUNA: "The new girl on the arm of prince of New York
Otto Bergmann IV is something called a Zoya Lott.
And no, apparently, that's not her drag name.
An import from a shtetl called Buffalo,
Lott was overheard at not-spot Via Quadronno
saying New York smelled like garbage."
It was literally garbage day!
[SCOFFS] It's New York. It's always garbage day.
When are you going to get it?
As far as the press is concerned,
he's R-Patz and you're Suki nobody.
This is the land of schadenfreude on Adderall.
You need to curate your image as meticulously
as a Gagauzian exhibit and follow only my rules.
Otherwise, you'll end up being banned like a plastic bag
on the corner of Lex and D'Agostino.
Okay, I'm going to an opening with Obie tonight,
so I need your help now more than ever.
- Then let's get started. - ♪ ["STOP!" BY UPSAHL PLAYING]
First rule. Never speak in public,
which you've just learned.
Second rule. Never look directly at a camera.
Never look directly anywhere.
- These are contacts. - I don't wear contacts.
Exactly. They'll make everything blurry.
This way, you'll always look like you're smizing.
Because you literally can't see anything.
Third rule. Never sweat.
- Relax, it's just Botox. - I don't want Botox, I'm 14!
It's preventative.
And don't worry, it's not for your face, anyway.
Then what is it for?
Fine, a pad will do. Lift.
- That'll make me sweat more. - And now no one will see it.
- Fourth rule. Know your side. - I have a side?
You do and it's not facing me right now.
Are you taking notes?
♪ My heart's gonna beat so fast Gonna beat so fast ♪
♪ Gonna beat so fast That it might stop! ♪
♪ Oh, it feels like my
♪ Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh... ♪
And finally, five tenets to live and die by in public.
Never eat, cry, PDA, MTA or wear flats.
- Where am I supposed to eat? - In private,
with the blinds drawn. And whatever you do,
never trust the doorman. They sell tips to TMZ.
No way! Jimmy's been in the building
- since the '70s when my grandma first moved there. - Ew. You live with your grandma?
No. I mean, she's in a home, but I stay in her apartment,
which is probably something I shouldn't have told you
because it's rent-controlled and the board doesn't know that I'm there, but--
Do I look like I want a story? You're a client, not a colleague.
Now show me what's in your bag.
Hey!
I shouldn't be seen with you right now.
It's fine, Gossip Girl knows nothing, okay?
But she could find out.
If you want to guarantee, I'll never tell...
- More steam-room shenanigans? - [CHUCKLES]
More of a catfishing expedition.
I need you to create a fake Scruff profile
and use it on my dad.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Look, I need proof that he is using the app for more than perusal.
- Why don't you just do it yourself? - You want me to sext my father?
Is it any better you want me to?
No, not as you. As Rafa. Okay?
Clone his profile and get chatty.
No nudes, no private album,
just the innocent intention of meeting up on record.
This is ridiculous, even for you.
Well, since the guy won't fuck me,
I might as well fuck with him.
Here. Come on, I'll even-- I'll set it up myself.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪ ["TEAR DROP" BY MASSIVE ATTACK PLAYING] ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted on the corner of Bedford:
JC donning her best disguise.
♪ Love, love is a verb Love is a doing... ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: And is she the only one?
♪ Fearless on my breath
♪ Gentle impulsion Shakes me makes me lighter ♪
♪ Fearless on my breath
♪ Black flowers blossom Fearless on my breath ♪
♪ Teardrop on the fire Fearless on my breath ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Guess we better run to the box office
to get our own ticket for tonight's show.
Something is clearly about to go down.
♪ Stumbling down
What in God's name are you wearing?
Your father thought it advisable
not to ruffle any feathers tonight.
Although, to be honest, I would rather be wearing them.
- Well, why aren't you, then? - He said I looked great.
Dignified.
Oh, that's because you look like him.
- Maximus-- - No, no, wait.
I do not want to ruffle any feathers either, okay?
But you raised me to be my most authentic self,
- did you not? - Of course we did. And you are.
And we wouldn't have it any other way.
Then you need to start following your own advice.
Be you. To hell with what anyone else says.
- Even Pops. - Oh. I don't know--
Did I not see the most spectacular Kamali number
in your closet? That would just be perfect for tonight.
- I know. I did have it tailored. - Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well I'm excited to see it on you.
Go. I'll change, too.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Since when do you take a car?
Remind me to learn how to Citi-bike in a dress?
So this is what you look like at night?
It, uh-- It is now.
It's beautiful. You're beautiful.
Thank you.
You know, I'm really glad you invited me
as your plus one tonight. I feel like it's been forever
since we did something like this, just the two of us.
Well, I'm really glad you're back from Berlin.
But you must be exhausted. You should have coffee.
I heard the play is very long and full of surprises.
- You're gonna want to be awake. - Okay.
- I'll be right back. - Sure.
Hey, what did he say, exactly?
Why don't you just read it yourself?
He was hesitant at first but then he asked
if we could come over to my place next weekend.
That's when my dad's in London. Okay, um--
Okay, maybe-- maybe I do need to read it for myself?
- What's your password? - 2046.
Wong Kar-Wai's unsung masterpiece.
Did you just steal my phone?
Thank God you're sitting next to us.
I cannot be near Max, or Aki might put it together.
I really don't think Gossip Girl was referring to you.
Optically speaking, I would like to err on the side of caution.
Proximity plus the wine I'm gonna need
to get through this play are not a good combo.
What are you looking for?
Hi. [GIGGLES]
There's Max.
Who knew you liked a grand romantic gesture so much?
Lola.
- What are you-- - You look surprised.
Yes, I do exist before the clock strikes 11:00.
Those lily roses with the ticket tucked and twined?
- So thoughtful. - [CHUCKLES]
And opening night, what a way to go public!
[GASPS] At The Public!
Well, I am so glad it worked out. [INHALES]
Would you excuse me for one minute?
I should hit the bathroom before--
Okay.
I'll be here. [CHUCKLES]
♪ Lonely tonight
AKI MENZIES: Oh God, what did you do?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Normally I wouldn't accept a gift from a student.
But I'm a huge fan of Jeremy's work,
- so thank your dad for me? - You can thank him yourself.
I'll introduce you after the show.
You know what? You deserve a better seat.
Here, take my ticket instead.
[WHISTLES]
- Oh... I need your ticket. - The extra one you gave me?
No, I need it.
The sacrifices we make for the theater, darling.
Next time, steal someone else's plan.
But this is obstructed view!
Well, guess you need to gain some clarity.
[THEATER BELL SOUNDS]
Let the play around the play begin.
- [THEATER BELL CONTINUES] - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
♪ [OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MAX SIGHS IN RELIEF] - [AUDREY SCOFFS]
Thought you were supposed to sit with your dads?
You don't like me in the middle?
- AUDREY: Sorry. - Dude, give me back my phone!
♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]
Ooh, looks like someone's been doing extra credit homework.
What are you guys doing?
- Nothing. - Nothing.
"AARON features full frontal nudity,
potentially disturbing realistically depicted violence,
simulated and non-simulated sex scenes,
and..." [GROANS] "...audience participation."
Try and put on a brave face, dear.
It's a miracle the theater's even open.
What do you know?
Mr. Caparros, right?
Who?
- Max's Classics teacher! - Of course. Nice to see you.
And please, Rafa.
I don't think you two know each other.
Uh, no, no. We certainly don't.
- Nice to meet you. - This is my husband, Roy Sachs.
Honey, I think you had a walkthrough in Wilton,
the day of parent-teacher conferences.
I was so thrilled to learn you're having them
- read Catullus and Ovid this term. - Mm.
All right, I've got Justin's, peanut M&Ms and Tate's.
They're the gluten-free ones, 'cause they were out of the regular.
I'm good. Thank you.
- I thought you loved M&Ms. - I'm just not very hungry.
[CANDY WRAPPER RUSTLING]
You know, I saw Hamilton here with Max,
before it went on Broadway.
You into that play?
No doubt it's a work of art.
- Um, but-- - But what?
- OBIE: What? - [ZOYA SCOFFS]
Of course.
I thought you were coming here with your dad?
I don't have to tell you who I am or am not here with.
It's the least you can do.
♪ [CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING]
- Can you remove your hat? - Uh... No.
Who's that that your-- Who's that that your dad's with?
Why? Do you want to date her, too?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DAVIS CLEARS THROAT]
That's my...
- She's my-- - Your daughter?
Who I now realize I met the other night.
You didn't invite me here, did you?
LX 1. LX 2, go.
Aaron, go.
[AARON HOWLS, BARKS]
[AARON PANTING, GALLOPING]
[AARON PANTS, SNIFFS]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
AARON: What?
What?
[SHOUTING] Have I not arrived as you assumed I would?
Like a black dog.
As the saying is...
You do know who I am, right?
The inhuman dog.
Unhallowed slave.
Who said it first? [EXHALES ANGRILY]
You...
Who said it first?
[CHUCKLES]
My... [SHOUTING] ...father said it of my father!
♪ ["NEVER SAY NEVER" BY ROMEO VOID PLAYING] ♪
So, what'd you think? It was pretty intense, huh?
And you're still shocked, I see.
There's a four-block rule.
You can't talk about the work until you're four blocks away.
I've never known you to wait half a block to say anything.
Thank you.
Now you're turning down lemongrass chicken?
The play was, like, four hours long, I mean...
Well, you must be... starving.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I'll be right back.
- Hey. Hey. We need to talk. - Do we?
Because I'm pretty sure whatever you say,
you'll be leaving a lot out as usual.
- What you did tonight was-- - Oh, I'm at fault?
Do I have a secret apartment? A secret partner, a secret life?
It was never my intention to hide anything from you.
But you did. And you didn't just hide it, you lied.
All of these trips you take, how many are real
and how many are ten blocks away?
- It's not that simp-- - Okay, yeah.
I guess we just have more in common than I realized.
We both have a public life and a private one.
I don't want to do that anymore.
- Hey, Julien. I am sorry-- - It's not your fault.
But a tip?
You should probably find someone who isn't afraid to be seen with you.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Burton emailed me my interrogation time.
During school hours, like... [CHUCKLES]
I guess it's more important to talk to a bunch of black hats
about an anonymous Instagram account
- than actually teach students? - It's not anonymous to you.
[CLICKS TONGUE] George doesn't understand our little social experiment.
He went to public school in Suburbia
where everybody was nice to each other.
This isn't something to joke about.
That firm exposed billionaires,
uncovered massive corporate security breaches.
They worked for Weinstein. You think you can outsmart them?
I did place a firewall on the school servers.
These people invented firewalls.
You should quit now before your entire careers are destroyed.
I understand your concerns, George.
But the school board doesn't actually care about Gossip Girl.
They just hate the noise.
We're in the midst of figuring out a way
- to quiet it all down. - [SIGHS]
You're my wife. I can't help but worry.
You know why I was fired?
My boss, a father at your school,
knew I knew he had expensed escorts.
KATE: That's why we're doing this.
To hold these people and their kids accountable.
- You could expose him. - I've already lost my job.
I don't want to lose my integrity on top of that.
Besides, privilege and power,
no matter how amoral, will always win in the end.
And the people at the bottom will always end up with nothing.
People like us. Sorry, where's your bathroom?
Um... Just down the hall, to the left.
We are a bit wrapped up in it.
Well, of course we are. We created it.
Maybe we should be considering
if it's worth risking everything we care about?
I like being a teacher. Don't you?
[SMACKS LIPS] I'll get us another bottle. [CLEARS THROAT]
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
Did we just get fucked?
GIDEON: I loved it.
But it'd be committing theatrical seppuku to transfer it.
It would close in a week, especially without a star.
I just wish it wasn't so confrontational.
I mean, even Taylor Mac added farce to his Titus.
GIDEON: And it still flopped.
I guess it's Ivo's gender-swapped
My Fair Lady with Gyllenhaal instead?
Are you kidding me?
♪ [POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, where've you been? I've been looking for you.
- Obie. Do you know-- - A provocative play like AARON
is exactly what Broadway needs after a year on pause.
What it doesn't is another "revisal" of-- of anything.
Especially one devised by white people,
about white people, starring white people.
That's why the theater was invented, right?
To challenge audience members to-- to think beyond their own narratives.
I mean, come on, have you never read Shange?
Albee? Fornés?
- Hey. Who are you? - GIDEON: Oh, hi, Jeremy.
Oh. I'm no one.
You seem very much like someone to me.
Let's find a less confrontational space.
And have a little talk.
Hey, excuse us.
Um... Hey.
Sorry about messaging you at the theater--
About that. I think you might have me confused with someone else.
Hey, Pops! Don't leave me and Dad out of the conversation!
Max, I was talking to my friend.
Oh, you're gonna want to talk to these two more, trust me.
Do you want to tell him or should I?
Want to tell him what?
GIDEON: Tell me what?
- I'm confused... - Max.
Pops is on Scruff.
Yeah, he's got an active profile that says "newly single."
And he's been messaging guys with the intention of cheating.
This guy in particular.
Hey, Max. Max, that's enough. Stop. Stop it. Give me that.
- Stop that! - Wait, you did this?
With Max's teacher?
- ROY: Yes, I did, but-- - Not with me, no. It...
ROY: What do you mean, not with you?
I think your son can explain.
What does he have to do with this?
He deserved to know the truth.
- Did you pretend-- - Well, not me, but--
Is it true?
- Is it true? - Nothing happened.
All right, it was just talk, it was all talk.
But you wanted something to happen.
I just wanted to talk and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I don't understand why you would do something like this.
Oh, God!
Look, Gideon, I love you.
But when I fell in love with you, you were different.
You've changed. And I'm not sure I...
I don't even know if I'm able to--
Still be attracted to me.
- With all this. - I still love you.
- I do, but-- - But you like it masc?
Is that it?
And instead of talking to me about it,
you were gonna fuck some other guys
- so you can feel it again? - No, no. Of course not.
I still want you, only you.
You want the version of me you're comfortable with.
The one I felt I still had to be when we first met.
But not who I am.
I'm growing.
But after almost 20 years together,
I'm shocked you can't see that the only thing
that has changed here is you.
♪ ["HARDEN MY HEART" BY QUARTERFLASH PLAYING] ♪
Why?
- Why would you do that to me? - Why would you do this to us?
♪ Harden my heart
♪ I'm gonna swallow my tears
♪ I'm gonna harden my heart
♪ I'm gonna swallow my tears
♪ Harden my heart Harden my heart ♪
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
ZOYA: Obie. What are you doing out here?
I was looking for you. I thought that you had left.
Oh, Jeremy actually asked me to...
- You're upset. - No.
Is it because of what I said earlier, about the play?
I mean, I was in the middle of speaking and you just kinda left.
I was just confused.
'Cause you've been so weird all night.
And then suddenly you're yourself again
and then you ditch me. So...
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Okay, when I showed up tonight and you liked how I looked,
I thought maybe while you said you wanted something different,
you're actually pretty comfortable with what you already know.
The perfect picture by your side.
But that's not me. [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna say the wrong thing and sweat through my clothes
and eat in the middle of the sidewalk. I--
I want you to be who you are.
All right, you understand why I ended it with Julien.
Yeah. You couldn't find her anymore.
But have you thought about how you might have contributed to that?
That you didn't lose her but she got lost behind you?
I mean, it's really hard to date the prince of New York
when even he won't admit that that's who he is.
[OBIE SIGHS]
- Do you mind if I, um... - Do the right thing?
Never.
Hey, Jules.
- No, thank you. - I wanna talk.
All right, just really talk.
[EXHALES HEAVILY] I know, um...
I know that I said that I didn't like who you'd become.
I, uh...
I... I definitely should have...
realized and accepted some responsibility
for my part of that.
Maybe, I was more comfortable not knowing, because...
You know, if I had looked too closely,
I might see some of myself, too.
I spent so much time...
[SIGHS] ...putting forward this idea of me, that I just...
forgot who I was a little.
Like my dad has. Like everyone has, apparently.
Except for her.
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
It's no wonder you like her.
♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]
I think-- You know, I think that you deserve
someone who sees you, who, um...
sees all of you.
[INHALES DEEPLY] And maybe I needed you to walk away
to see that I could stand on my own.
[OBIE SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? WENDY: Reema? It's Wendy.
I know I shouldn't tell you this,
but a tip came into the Gossip Girl DMs
a few weeks ago about your husband's former boss,
and Kate didn't want to tell you. She thought you might get upset.
REEMA: Oh, my God, really?
What was it?
WENDY: One of the escorts he hired
was a senior at Constance.
I mean, do with that what you will.
But I just figured you'd want to know
in case you felt compelled to expose the truth
one final time.
Might even get your husband's old boss fired,
get his job back.
That's a lot to hear. Uh...
I can't believe Kate didn't tell me.
Which is why I am.
Listen, if you do want to do something with it,
remember the firewall.
You're protected only at school during school hours.
We all have the password.
[PHONE LOCKS]
♪ ["CLOUDBUSTING" BY KATE BUSH PLAYING] ♪
♪ I still dream Of all the noise ♪
Should we last-call him before it's too late?
[SNIFFS] Oh, fuck. [GROANS] [SNIFFS] Here.
Maybe it's time to call it a night?
And why would I do that?
Because you're a bit out of control?
That's what you like, isn't it? To relinquish control.
Or is that only with me. I tell you what,
let's ask some of your other candidates?
- Max, don't-- - We got-- We got Judd.
[SNIFFS] Uh, Phuc? Robert? Oh, he's cute.
Is that-- Is that your phone?
Why is that on your phone? What is this?
He's lying. It's his phone.
He's just really fucked up right now--
Correct. Check.
I am-- I'm outside my boundaries now,
just like both of you.
In fact, I am so outside that I don't know
if you're gonna be able to hear me when I say
I'm not the only one who fucked up here.
You fucked up, too.
You fucked me. And you wanted to.
God, come on, it is time that we all stopped hiding
and started being who we really are, right?
Right? Okay, no more lies. Only truths. Okay.
So I will go first as the only truth-teller here.
You guys, you just, you don't do it for each other anymore.
You just do me. But you can't have me.
Nobody can have me.
I am not even here. I am gone. And end fucking scene.
♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING IN BACKGROUND] ♪
♪ The sun is coming out
♪ [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- Where's Lola? - I sent her home.
- Oh, to your pied-affair? - DAVIS CALLOWAY: Cute.
And no. To her own apartment.
You know, when you were a kid,
I wanted you to feel like you were the only woman in my life.
Because you are.
So I made a choice
that I would always keep my dating life private.
And I think I forgot that you grew up
and can handle the truth.
I couldn't be more sorry.
I never want to lie to you again.
I think that we can both agree to do better.
That we can live our lives more honestly,
with ourselves and with each other.
I'd really like to meet her.
So does the Four Block Rule
still apply on the Upper West Side?
I guess that depends on the subject being discussed.
- What if I whisper it? - No promises.
I'd really like to kiss you right now. [EXHALES]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[RAFA SIGHS]
You put on a real show tonight.
There's another one tomorrow, I'm sure.
I don't appreciate being used.
I had no idea it would blow up like that.
What did you think would happen?
You know, that my dads would realize
that they were being stupid and just talk?
But I fucked it up.
No, it would have come out eventually.
It always does.
[SNIFFS] Yeah, I know. But I just didn't realize
it would hurt this fucking much when it did.
[SOBS]
♪ ["HARDLINE" BY JULIEN BAKER PLAYING] ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: You know why the play's the thing?
Because it holds up a mirror to our own lives.
-♪ Blacked out on a weekday - [CELLPHONE PINGS CONTINUOUSLY]
GOSSIP GIRL: Sometimes it's about staying true to your private self.
♪ Still something That I'm trying to avoid ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Or leaving your public self behind.
♪ Start asking for forgiveness In advance ♪
♪ All the future things I will destroy ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Sometimes, it's about confronting a painful reality...
♪ That way I can Ruin everything ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: ...or sublimating your deepest fantasies.
♪ When I do, you don't Get to act surprised ♪
[EXHALES] Hi.
Did you like it?
♪ When it finally
I didn't...
not like it.
But I never want to do it again. Do you?
Of course not.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.
♪ Medicine and poison
♪ Take what I can get away with ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Isn't it all a performance, anyway?
It's my own fault.
When I got that tip about George's boss,
I couldn't resist posting it.
But at least now you know your firewall didn't work.
It could've happened to any of us.
We're so sorry it was you.
And don't worry, I didn't crack during the interrogation.
Your identities are safe.
I'll miss you both.
KATE: Did you turn the firewall back on?
- God. Why do I feel so terrible? - We didn't have a choice.
It was her or us.
And now, we don't have to be nervous anymore.
Wendy's contacts at Horace Mann and Dalton
confirmed they'd start sending in tips, too.
So did mine at Nightingale and Spence.
Which means Gossip Girl's gone citywide.
The target's off our back.
And impossible to trace. Bigger than ever.
She used the tip. We didn't make her.
Didn't we, though?
♪ ["ROYL" BY CHLOE X HALLE PLAYING] ♪
♪ Could be paradise Never know till you try ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: Yet no costume can conceal
what you don't want me to see.
Sooner or later, the clothes come off,
the makeup washes away and the real you emerges.
Your secrets, your sins, your truths, your lies.
- Hi. Where have you been? - It's story time!
Peak posting hour is about to strike.
I left my phone at home.
Um... Okay. No one panic.
I'll log in on my phone.
And we can download your presets.
- And we can figure it out-- - I left it intentionally.
Consider me offline today.
Okay, you tried. But Zoya's clearly not playing along.
It's time that we reinstate order as it once was.
And that means JC on top, alone.
Oh! That Buffal-ho needs to go.
I have intel. If we used it, Little Z would be sistory.
Dites-moi.
MONET: If they don't start a war themselves,
we'll just have to start one for them.
GOSSIP GIRL: All the world may be a stage,
but on the Upper East Side, the play doesn't matter.
It's all in the execution.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.
♪ Won't you get on my wave Won't you get on my wave now ♪
♪ [MUSIC FADES]
♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]