♪ ["BONAFIDE" BY EMOTIONAL ORANGES PLAYING] ♪
Good morning, followers.
Gossip Girl here.
Or should I say "still here"?
You thought I was a person,
but I never said I was.
I'm a revolution.
And today'’s act of rebellion?
We know it isn'’t nice to reveal a lady'’s age,
but secret sources tell us Zoya Lott is 15 today.
Happy Birthday, Z!
May you deserve whatever you get.
In New York, there are only two ways
to celebrate a birthday.
But not to fear.
...you obviously do not know me.
Something tells us...
Because if it doesn'’t, then y'all ain't doing it right.
Suit up, sweeties...
and let'’s see who'’ll be the lastmanqué standing.
♪ We all need something A little breakthrough ♪
-♪ I won't let you down, no
-♪ I don't wanna leave you
♪ No matter what comes our way
Ever wake up in the morning
It can be pretty exhausting, looking in the mirror each day
and promising yourself,
What if who I am when I wake up is me at my best?
Starting here, starting now, I'm going clean.
Free. Effortlessly me.
God! "Effortlessly me"? What is this?
The new girl's Pantene ad?
Au naturel is stage four terminal.
I almost can't look.
You can needlepoint her pores!
- Oh, Jesus. - Is everything ready for today?
As soon as Jules is back on top, we'’ll be too.
Gotta say, it's nice to see you in the daytime.
And I gotta say, it's nice to see...
...where you really live.
- Are we expecting guests? - Good morning, Julie!
Good Morning, Lola. I saw your story.
Filter-free is a new look on you, and I like it.
I have this great nude foundation from Dior.
No one would ever know you were wearing,
if you wanted to go that route.
the whole "transparency" thing.
Right, right.
I can'’t believe they send you all this free stuff.
I hope you don'’t mind. I deep-dived your Insta last night.
Did you? Well, I was so curious how you got so famous.
I'’m trying to do the same thing with my music, and...
Anyway,
I totally forgot you were the kid
who interviewed all those rock stars.
You were so cute!
I'’ve gotta go. Um. Wish I wasn'’t meeting my friends
at Locanda Verde before school. Oh, no!
- Your dad didn'’t say. - Well, who can keep track?
I'’ll take one for the road.
Is this pumpkin?
Seasonally appropriate.
Hey.
Is this okay? If it's too weird, I can--
Go back to hiding her in your secret apartment
like Josef Fritzl?
- Point taken. - We promised we'’d try honesty.
Hey, I'’m thinking of you today.
I'm thinking of you too.
Hey, Z, I can'’t find my briefcase.
Can you check the table?
Hold up, okay?
We don'’t celebrate until tomorrow.
Today is her day. Not mine.
Well, this is yours. Sadelle'’s, your favorite.
Had to wait in line and everything, like a tourist.
Something tells me you didn'’t make a wish.
Well, how'’s this?
I wish that today would go completely unnoticed,
so that I didn'’t have to, yet again, be the girl
whose immunocompromised mom died having her.
- ♪ - But Gossip Girl already ruined that.
How sweet. People wanna wish you a happy birthday.
There are bigger things going on in the world.
Like, repost some Sonya Renee Taylor
instead of sending me birthday memes?
I don'’t even know Angelicah84, or whatever a "Minka Kelly" is.
- She's-- - Look, there's only one person
to blame for this. Julien.
I'm sure your sister didn'’t send your birthday
in to Gossip Girl. Besides, people know. Big deal.
It had to be Julien.
Let me guess. That'’s something bad too?
Bad stuff always happens on my birthday.
Remember that sleepover,
This is just a reminder to sign up
for trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
Today is a good day. This day brought me you.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
Too bad it took the worst thing to do it.
Here'’s hoping for no surprises, no celebrations,
- Shit, dude. Overkill much? - It'’s her birthday.
The only thing she should be thinking about
or a crepe.
Wish all problems were that easily solved.
You and Audrey?
Kinda just been avoiding each other recently.
Well, I hope that you're not feeling guilty,
'cause the only thing you did is kiss some rando girl,
and she, like, fucked someone
Well, I was just wondering if...
it'’s the first time she branched out.
This is like a role reversal. I'’m giving you advice again.
Second time for everything. I'm just saying,
you'’re not gonna know until you ask her. I'’d just say
don'’t kiss anybody else until you talk to her.
Seriously? Not even concealer?
I hate you for being so blessed.
Sending a posthumous thank you
to your mom on this day of remembrance.
Thank you, Aud. You can talk about you now.
Okay, so, I know that we agreed to pretend
our mutual dalliances with Max never happened,
but I fear it'’s irrevocably shifted
the dynamic between Ak and me.
Really? Sleeping with one of your mutual,
best friends did that?
Fair, but for me, it isn'’t about Max.
Well, it is, but not in that way.
I slept with someone of the opposite sex,
which is unacceptable but not abnormal.
Aki kissed a member of the same sex.
Not normal at all.
Is it possible that he's attracted to men...
Obviously he's attracted to men, Julien!
...and never told you
because you use words like "normal."
Fair again. But, like, is he bi? Is he gay?
I mean, what if all this time that we'’ve been together,
he'’s been hiding who he really is?
Hiding inside me?
he'’s probably scared of how you'’ll react.
Just talk to him without judgment
and listen to his response.
And maybe stay far away from Max till you do.
Are those crepes?
Good morning, babe.
- Um. We love you. - But we are appalled.
Because he never did something like this for me?
No. Because no one wants to see anyone without a filter.
People do not click to see how similar you are to them.
They click precisely for the perverse pleasure
that comes from worshipping someone
they could never be or have.
I need a break from all that.
- Hmm? - I wanna be more real,
Right? You'’re royalty. Strong, indestructible, unattainable.
Oh, I'’m definitely that.
JC, some news.
A friend of mine at Condé says
he heard they'’re going to offer you
shot by Tyler Mitchell
in a Bavarian palace or something.
Yeah, let's grab something. - I'm gonna get a crepe.
I just wanted to see how far gone she really was.
I can almost forgive carbs and a shiny forehead,
but indifference to a fashion spread?
Okay, well, what do we... what do we do now?
All those years of work for nothing,
I-- I can'’t end up working with my mom in biotech.
- I just can'’t. - Don'’t worry.
The first missile'’s already been launched.
It may even have hit already. And then we'’ll be on our way.
Surprise!
I didn'’t know what mood you would be in,
so I got a lot of stuff going on.
We got waffles, we got tacos, we got crepes.
- Happy birthday! - This-- this is really sweet.
Uh. Really, it's-- it's just,
I don'’t-- I don't celebrate my birthday.
Or at least not today.
Is that, like, a... religious thing?
I mean, I just realized I never asked you.
Oh, It'’s-- it's not something that I usually volunteer,
but today is not just my birthday.
It'’s also the anniversary of, um...
- Of course. - It'’s just-- just a weird day for me.
Yeah, I'’ll just get all this
- cleared out right now. - No.
I'm-- I'm so sorry.
- Hey, happy birthday-- - Did you tell Gossip Girl today's my birthday?
Why would I tell Gossip Girl anything?
I just wanted to tell you happy birthday.
Today is not a happy day, Julien.
- Are you trying to fuck with me? - What?
No. Of course not.
They'’re like pinballs this morning.
- Clack, ding. Clack, ding. - Pinballs I keep draining.
You seem like you could use an Ambien.
Or an eight-ball.
This has become a full-time job.
- Between the tips from the new schools-- - That Horace Mann!
- They'’re still at it. - And everyone here,
constantly sending me stuff on each other.
Is that why you asked me if second cousins was incest?
It isn'’t. I hope.
The only time I get to work on my lesson plans
or grade papers is after they go to bed.
Which is never. And the worst thing
is that something great just fell into my lap.
Something just for me.
A friend of mine from The Writers' Workshop
is an editor at The Paris Review,
and they'’re doing an issue on undiscovered writers
and she wants me to submit. But I-- How? When?
Why don'’t you let us help out, take our share of the burden?
We'’re all in this together,
Today is Zoya'’s birthday!
I mean, something is gonna happen, I can feel it.
She and Julien are fine. I mean, not friends, but fine.
Besides, who would cause drama on a birthday?
And this was supposed to be our thing too. Remember?
Maybe if you let us help more, it'’ll lessen your stress?
What'’s more important?
or getting published in The Paris Review?
That was a trick question. You know that, right?
You'll let me know if anything changes?
You have our word.
Hey, Z, got a sec? - Um...
I don'’t want to be the one to ruin your day,
but in light of the fact
You definitely are not that.
Julien doesn'’t want you here.
She told us she'’s had enough
of your "consistent, disrespectful displays
- for attention." - I had nothing to do
- with the food trucks. - All I'’m saying,
she might seem fine, but she wants things
back the way they used to be.
She'’s done something.
Something I'’m somewhat responsible for.
What are you talking about?
I'’m sorry, okay?
I didn'’t know she would use it.
Use what?
♪ [SINISTER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS] ♪
- Sorry. - Oh, hey!
Me too!
- Who are you texting? - Uh, my mom.
Oh.
Who are you calling? If you're leaving--
My mom.
Ms. Keller. - Mr. Caparros?
You haven'’t received any tips on Max Wolfe
the past few days, have you?
Relax.
I would've done it when Black Cube was here.
Just the usual girls and boys complaining that he'’s gone
from breadcrumbing to outright ghosting. Why?
He, um, owes me an essay,
Let me know if you hear anything?
We will.
Hey, look, I-- I really am sorry.
I should'’ve known better.
You don'’t have to apologize.
But I still wanna celebrate you.
Maybe do a little get-together, handful of our friends,
some food, music.
Right, okay, we can scratch that.
Um. How about just dinner?
Me, you, your dad. I'’ll pretend I know how to cook,
and you guys can watch and laugh.
Everything okay, Z? And if so, can I call you back?
Can'’t really talk right now.
Nothing. It'’s just, like, a client thing.
I can tell when you'’re lying.
Look, I really didn'’t want to tell you this today, honey,
but someone called in an anonymous tip
to the housing board, saying we'’re
Boom! Direct hit.
Let World War Z commence.
- Start composing. - I'm already on my third line.
If you post Monet'’s tip and Kate sees it,
she'’ll take GG back. She'’s not gonna see it.
Not yet, at least. Buys us and her some time.
Okay, so... "This just in--"
- Say spotted, say spotted! - I didn'’t spot it.
Hey, followers.
We all know there'’s no such thing
-as a civil war. - Hmm. That'’s good.
- I'’m out. - Here, let me.
♪ [DERANGED CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
Spies tell us a certain someone
has drawn her own Mason-Dixon line...
...with herself on one side
and her sister on the other.
You have to conquer as well.
Whoo!
And there'’s a cannon
pointed in only one direction.
Ciao! What'’s in it?
Take cover, my pretties. The glitzkrieg is coming!
I'’m so turned on right now
GG says Zoya'’s planning an attack on me.
What could she possibly have to use against me?
You were in the "Imagine" video.
And what'’s this thing about drawing a line?
She actually thinks I'’m trying to get her evicted?
I'’ve only been nice to Zoya on her day.
Wished her happy birthday, acted totally fine
when my ex-boyfriend filled Fifth Avenue
with food trucks for her.
Thing is, it doesn'’t matter what you did or didn'’t do.
She'’s clearly been waiting to take you down.
She must'’ve found something to do it with.
Come on. We'’ve been civil.
Things have been fine between us.
Really? Or did you just roll over
and accept her stealing your man,
your thunder, and your throne? Julien, there can only be one.
I mean, how many times did that Mary person threaten
to kill Queen Elizabeth before she actually cut her head off?
It'’s time for a show of force.
You want me to murder my sister?
Only socially. Which is much worse.
- You'’re going to throw a party. - When?
Tonight.
JC, you'’ve been lucky.
because no one'’s ever stood in your way.
But that changed the moment that you brought her here.
She started taking what was yours day one,
Send her back. It'’s time.
How does throwing a party stop her from using
no one's gonna even hear the sound
of the bomb she'’s trying to explode.
Now, call your dad. You'’re gonna ask him for a favor.
Yeah, it'’s ridiculous. I'’m-- I'm sorry.
She'’s trying to get us evicted,
and now she'’s throwing a party.
Well, let'’s not let her, all right?
How about a phone-free lunch?
"“Special guest to be announced"”?
Jesus, Zoya.
I take-- I take it back.
- Good. - Let'’s have that party.
A big one.
The only reason I didn'’t want to before
was out of respect to our mom.
Hey, where should we have it?
- Radio City? Governors Island? - Zoya!
We could have people to your house.
I'’ll figure something out,
Hey, Aki,
- You should come. - He can'’t.
I can go to both.
No, you cannot go to both. You have to choose one.
So, which party is it gonna be?
Obie'’s party or the girls party?
I don'’t have to choose. Maybe you should choose.
Coming somewhere with me,
I'm so funny.
Oh, my God.
What just happened?
Oh, Princess Nokia is playing Julien'’s party.
You can watch it on YouTube tomorrow.
I guess you can too.
She got Princess Nokia?
How am I supposed to compete with that?
Someone like you can afford a war. I can'’t.
Who can we get to play our party?
Uh, Rihanna?
SZA? Kamala Harris?
I'’m gonna see you after school, all right?
- Hello? - Forgive me for eavesdropping.
Sounds like you'’ve got a problem.
I'’m a great problem solver.
Um, no thank you, strange child.
I'’m Milo, and I'’m not a child. I'’m in eighth grade.
- Aren'’t you, like, seven? - Ten.
Meet me after school?
Ew, no!
Clearly you don'’t know who I am. My last name is Sparks.
Really Ivanov, but in this day and age,
- it's best to leave that out. - Yeah, I don'’t know who you are,
but I would like to end this conversation.
Google is your friend.
Max, you shouldn'’t be in here. Why not?
It's the school gym...
...and I go to the school.
Wow. You look like shit.
Oh, you should see the other guys.
You know, I tried to reach you all week.
I'’m sure your friends did too.
Oh, I lost my phone at The Cock.
Just slid out of my hand in the dark room and, uh...
You'’re not okay, are you?
All this is 'cause of what happened
You need to lay off the drugs and deal with your shit.
Why don'’t we deal with it together?
Oh, I am so overdressed for this occasion.
Oh, okay, that'’s how you like it?
- That makes sense. - Max, stop!
Stop screwing around and just fuck me already!
I know you want to.
- you did anyway. - Are you threatening me?
Tell you what. Let'’s ask Gossip Girl what she thinks.
Shit. I don'’t have my phone!
Heard through the grapevine that today'’s your birthday.
- You-- you read Gossip Girl? - Guilty as charged.
You don'’t seem too happy about it.
No, it'’s just been a long day and it'’s only 3:00.
Do you wanna talk about it?
It'’s just my sister.
But I thought things were getting better?
I guess you haven'’t been on Instagram.
As you can see, no more cold war.
It's a full-on offensive.
And...
'cause I'’m outmanned.
It doesn'’t matter how big your battalion is.
It'’s what you do with it that counts.
The sad thing about this world
is that people like us
have to constantly prove we belong.
Honestly, I think it could be really helpful
for the 99 percent of the world to see you stand your ground.
Thank you, Kate. I'’m really glad I know you.
You blocked me!
How many pages of your story have you written?
You said nothing would happen today.
That nobody causes drama on someone'’s birthday.
- Have you watched Bravo? - When you send me your story,
I'’ll unblock you. And not a minute sooner.
I'’m doing you a favor.
My mom taught me early on
Wars never end.
What you need is a coup.
Here you go, sir. I told you, Shiga.
We got her from Ivanka.
She'’s fairly new.
Coups are the only way to really gain control.
You assassinate the leader...
...which throws everything into chaos,
and during the melee, you install yourself
and restore order like the savior you are.
I'’m praying you'’re speaking metaphorically.
What'’s, like, a step or ten below that?
Fine. We can try what I like to call the "Succession."
It'’s got simpler steps.
First, you weaken the brand you want to buy,
making it ripe for takeover.
No better way to weaken an influencer
than to cancel them.
The good thing about the internet is that you never have to.
Most people cancel themselves if you dig back far enough.
for taking on something this easy.
- ♪ - What about that Dries jumpsuit
you wore to the Palais de Tokyo show?
Mm-mmm. Hailey Bieber wore it to Erewhon.
Dead to me.
Oh! What about this one?
That's cute. I love it.
Mm, no.
which makes zero sense to me.
That'’s weird. I just got a bunch of cancellations
for tonight.
"“There is a difference between thick and fat people."”
- That tweet did not age well. - I was 13!
It gets worse. Jameela Jamil just defended you.
Princess Nokia just cancelled!
- What? - "There'’s a difference
between kind and cruel too."
Zoya! Who else?
You really think she'’d go that far?
You cannot let her Kim and Kanye you
and then get away with it.
You'’re right. I'’m done playing.
This is not just her birthday. We both lost our mom today,
and now, we'’re fighting over who knows what.
I should be the bigger person in all of this.
And you know what the bigger person does?
- What? - She makes it not just about her.
- If only Aki would do the same. - Do it for him.
Princess Nokia is playing my party tonight,
and you are getting an answer from your boyfriend
by showing him that you have options.
And very hot ones at that.
wearing her favorite dress.
This dress and this photo
are my most treasured possessions.
She died 15 years ago today, in childbirth--
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
to both honor her legacy and raise funds
for the Lupus Foundation of America.
She'’s using our dead mom to get people
to go to her party?
Look, Julien can be selfish.
that is her mom too, you know? I mean, you ever think
that maybe that'’s how she really feels?
It'’s a PR stunt.
One you'’re falling for, of course.
All right, I get that your emotions are high today,
but you don'’t have to let this get to you, all right?
You'’re Zoya. You are cool, you are calm.
And you don'’t care about petty stuff
- like that. - You don'’t get it, Obie.
Look, if my dad and I get evicted,
we have nowhere to go.
And I don'’t know if we can go back to Buffalo.
Why not?
I'’m not letting her destroy this.
Milo, go to phase two.
Please explain why we'’re learning about a war
between our daughters from assistants in our offices?
- Ask Julien. - What? Zoya started it.
Did Zoya put one of my friends in the awkward position
of having to play a party she denounced
because it is suddenly for charity?
- Nokia'’s still coming? - Yes, but that is not the point.
And you, young lady. I don'’t even know
She'’s the one trying to get us evicted.
No, I'm not.
I just want it to end.
Between work and appealing to the housing board,
this is the last thing I need.
Completely. This fighting is not what
your mother would'’ve wanted.
Which is why we have both decided
that since it'’s too late to cancel,
this will be a joint party.
Yeah, two young women coming together
to celebrate their mother.
Hey, either you do it together
- Fine. - Fine.
I will see you tonight, Nick.
And happy birthday, Zoya.
So did I.
♪ [MENACING ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
This just in.
-We hear a tale...
...of two sisters may have
a happy ending after all.
-a sisterly cease-fire.
But does tonight'’s newly-conjoined celebration
signal a signed treaty, or a Trojan Horse?
Time to play truce or dare.
♪
Oh, my God.
She'’s learning, I'’ll give her that.
Julien, we simply must get
a photo together on the step...
...and repeat that your sponsors so generously provided.
Oh, and the teachers.
PHOTOGRAPHER 1: Nice, now get together.
- PHOTOGRAPHER 2: Big smile. - PHOTOGRAPHER 3: Oh, love it.
- Nice stunt - Only the best for you, sis.
Three, two, one.
What is it? They set up a GoFundMe.
"For our dear, destitute classmate,
Zoya Lott'’s housing crisis."” If my dad sees this,
- he'’s gonna be humiliated. - Look at me.
- You wanna go dance? - Good thing
I'm already one step ahead of her.
A step ahead?
Ugh!
your celebrity fleshlight, and "seven grams of better coke
- than the last batch." - What?
it'’s that regional bitch.
you'’re scorching her earth tonight.
What's going on? The way that you'’re acting is--
Why isn'’t anyone?
♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist ♪
-♪ Body-ody-ody... Yo!
You must have tried a vegan cupcake.
become somebody I don'’t even recognize.
So... I just want this night to be over.
Seems like you do too. What'’s up?
You have that talk with Audrey yet?
♪ Three, two, one You know I'm the hottest... ♪
Might be the right time.
-♪ Speaking when I'm not there - What are you doing?
Aki, have you met Ravi Solis?
He goes to Andover, but is down for the weekend
to interview for an internship at The Criterion Collection.
Akeno Menzies! I'’ve stalked you on Instagram.
Our mums met at the last TEDSummit.
It'’s a pleasure.
Ravi, didn'’t you say that your dance crew finaled
on Britain'’s Got Talent? Oh, I'’d love to see some moves.
Aki, I trust you have something else you'’ve chosen
to occupy your time with tonight?
♪ Bitch, I'm very well...
At least we know it'’s not Pret.
But it is buffet. - I lost track of Zoya,
which means she'’s up to something.
her birthday gift?
When the time is right. Okay, well,
here'’s our gift to you.
and turns out, there'’s a director'’s cut.
Hmm. And unlike most of them,
this one'’s better.
-♪ Curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist... ♪ - Waiter?
♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy Big titties, lil' waist ♪
♪ Body-ody-ody-ody-ody Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody... ♪
Thank you.
♪ Look at the way it's sittin'
Hey, you can head on inside.
Hold on. Name.
Uh, Max Wolfe.
- You'’re not on the list. - Cute. I am the list, okay?
So, I'm just gonna squeeze in.
- What the-- - No mistake.
...and told him to take your name off
since you'’d most likely be holding.
Oh, holding? Holding?
Who says "“holding"”?
Wanna check my breath? Huh?
How many of these are you on right now?
It's not for me, okay? It's for inside.
I'’m macro-dosing some acid.
right now you kinda...
...you kind of look like both of them.
And here you are with all of them broken.
You used to be so hot. And now, now you'’re just a bad trip.
Look at that.
More than your year's salary on the sidewalk.
Two second rule I guess.
- We'’re getting you out of here. - Finally, some action!
♪
Seems like a safe space.
I'’ll join you. Seltzer?
You know, if you wanna go hard, I can be your designated driver.
I'’ve been doing it for seven years.
Well, I'’ve never really been a "go hard" kind of guy anyway.
Also, I understand it must'’ve been
really difficult for you.
Are you really getting evicted?
Most of the units in the building
have gone co-op in the past decade.
My mom held out, but didn'’t tell anybody
when she was hospitalized.
We did lie about living there without my mom.
- How'’s she doing? - Assisted living.
- If there's ever anything I can do to help-- - Thank you. We're good.
You think they'’ll behave tonight?
You know, I can'’t say we'’ve led by great example.
You know, I know this is crazy, but...
maybe them fighting isn'’t such a bad thing.
Maybe it'’s Marion giving us a chance to...
work our own shit out.
♪ If you wanna run away with me I know a galaxy ♪
And most importantly, what'’ve you been doing?
Lying in wait, of course.
My plan is time-released.
You just said to stay out of the splash zone.
She'’s halfway to wasted.
She'’s underage. Also, our dads are here.
She'’s not drinking. She'’s eating.
An alcosynth that my friend, Sami, is making sure to get
into everything she puts into her mouth.
Hope you don'’t have emetophobia,
because things are gonna get pretty wet pretty soon.
♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me ♪
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Do I need a retraining order?
- Are you drunk? - On Dirty Lemon?
Yeah, yeah, so much.
I just thought that I could appeal to you, all right?
- Old friend to old friend. - If you think
- we'’re old friends-- - Julien, come on.
Okay? I know you.
This is not you, all right?
- were they not? - God, stop.
- I already have a dad. - She'’s gonna lose her home.
I don'’t think that you did it, but I know you can stop it.
We'’re not gonna do this...
and now you have to live with it.
you'’re gonna wish you made a different one.
♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me ♪
♪ I'm levitating, you
Hey, can I get a, uh,
Mint Ju-lien?
It's been five minutes,
Julien and Zoya are clearly planning something big.
And is any of it on Gossip Girl?
No! Guest of a Guest has more inside info
- and they'’re not even inside. - Jesus, Kate.
This Gossip Girl thing is just, uh,
a social experiment, right?
It'’s not our lives.
that'’s your future, your career.
I don'’t know what'’s wrong with me.
I was at home, working,
but then as soon as the party started,
it'’s all I could think about.
Next thing I knew, I was out the door
and on the train, and now I'’m here.
- What are you so scared of? - Maybe her story is bad.
♪ ["IMPACT" BY SG LEWIS, ROBYN, CHANNEL TRES PLAYING] ♪
If Gossip Girl reported on me,
you know what she'’d say?
"Like literary, great Hannah Horvath before her,
she just wasn'’t good enough."
This, I'’m good at.
What if, in the end, Gossip Girl is all I'’m good for?
- You'’re scared. - I am. Very. The most.
Let'’s go face those fears then.
"“Spotted. Wendy'’s got this."”
♪ I put my guard up on you Girl you better quit ♪
♪ I put my guard up on you Hit you with the stick ♪
Didn'’t you say Princess Nokia was performing?
I didn'’t realize that was the main selling point for you.
I like her.
Huh? Don'’t you?
It'’s okay, it'’s okay. You have my consent.
Okay.
Cool.
You don'’t have to worry about him.
We'’re open.
He'’s not gay?
Wait. Are you gay?
Why didn'’t you tell me?
I go to boarding school, and I'’m on a dance crew.
But...
Really, I-- I just thought he was one of us.
Maybe he is. I guess I have not asked him either.
♪ So I'm misunderstood The chopper go echo♪
♪ I miss the sounds From the hood ♪
Hi.
Are you gay?
- What? - Are you gay?
I know I'’m your girlfriend,
so it might make it difficult, but I'’m also
the closest person to you
I'’ve just been afraid of the answer, I guess,
but it'’s-- it's not about me.
And I'’ve been making it about me.
Are you gay?
I don'’t know.
Julien, it'’s so nice to meet you!
Thank you so much for performing, Nokia.
I am your fannist big.
Oh, baby, I love to party,
My manager told me
you'’re gonna do a speech,
- Yes, doing that right now. - Thank you, baby.
Luna?
What'’s got you so excited?
Milo Sparks,
You owe me for that time I gave Lily Rose Depp E. coli.
Fine. Just a little AV sitch, okay?
Julien'’s about to show the world Zoya'’s true colors,
a whole rainbow of crazy.
Give me a hint?
The reason Zoya had to leave Buffalo,
from Gossip Girl herself.
♪ 'Cause when we on that Other side, baby ♪
Milo, I changed-- I changed my mind.
I didn'’t know you had it in you.
have a video.
Something about why you didn'’t invite
your old friends from Buffalo tonight?
- Oh, my God. I have to stop her. - Where have you been?
I can'’t talk right now. Your ex-girlfriend
is about to ruin my fucking life!
Huh. Look, I thought that a one-party solution
was gonna bring you guys together,
Maybe her destroying you is what you get in that bargain.
So, you expect me to wave the white flag and let her win?
Let her humiliate me
what anybody thinks?
Well, you didn'’t a month ago.
Something'’s changed. You've...
Please?
Thank you!
In honor of my... ...sis'’s 15th birthday,
I wanted to talk a little bit about...
...the woman who really made all of this happen.
Our mother... Aww!
- ...Calloway Marion. - Oh, shit.
There'’s a lot Zoya and I
never got to learn from her,
but we know, from our dads and deep inside our hearts,
that she was amazing.
But...
She was brave, brilliant, beautiful,
but she wasn'’t always honest.
She wasn'’t... always good.
I mean, she left her own baby, me,
to run off with another man.
Now, that reckless, irresponsible,
unreliable part of my mom, I didn'’t inherit,
thankfully. But someone did.
thanks to this video, we all get to see
just how much of my mom the supposedly upstanding,
GIRL 1: This school sucks!
This school sucks!
GIRL 2: Okay.
Oh, come on, Emma. This isn't funny.
GIRL 1: Mother killer! Let me out, guys.
-This isn't funny. Let me out. - GIRL 3: Hey, are you upset, mother killer?
-Are you upset? - GIRL 1: Hey, Bella...
Open the door. - GIRL 1: She'’s gonna cry.
- GIRL 2: Mother killer. - GIRL 1: What are you gonna do, mother killer? You gonna cry?
Let me out!
What is this?
Of course she goes soft.
This isn't funny anymore! Let me out!
-Let me out! - I didn't see this part.
Let me out!
GIRL 2: Mother killer! Killer!
- Turn it off! Turn it off now! - GIRL 2: Oh, shit!
Stop!
Hey, everyone.
I know that video was traumatic.
You'’re probably wondering why I played it.
I'’m wondering that too.
I hadn'’t seen the whole thing,
but... that'’s no excuse.
I didn'’t know she was being bullied, but...
I guess when you'’re a bully yourself,
you don'’t see that.
Since I can'’t turn back the clock,
the very least I can do is tell the truth.
I'’m a bully.
or through your phone without you realizing...
it'’s the same thing.
but not be able to get it.
So, if you try to,
I'’ll do everything in my power to stop you.
And because I have considerable power...
I can.
But never again.
Take out your phones.
Do it. Hit record.
I am a bully.
I bully my sister.
I bully my friends, my fans.
And I'm never gonna do it again, so long as I live.
You have this video.
Dubsmash it, DeuxMoi it.
Gossip Girl it for all it's worth.
Now...
....how about we put this pain behind us
and bow down to the Princess?
She'’s why you'’re all here.
Z, I love you.
This is what your birthday was supposed to be.
Nokia.
How you doing?
Well, this is a safe space,
We'’re here to have some fun.
♪ ["IT'S NOT MY FAULT" BY PRINCESS NOKIA PLAYING] ♪
♪ Yes I'm God's favorite flavor ♪
♪ I'm blessed And highly favored ♪
♪ He give me All the blessings ♪
♪ And them blessings Turn to paper ♪
-♪ Money -♪ That paper turn to money
♪ Got hands That's stuck in honey ♪
-♪ I'm sexy, Playboy bunny
♪ I'm shining, yes, I'm sunny You don't have a fan for... ♪
Is this the best place to talk?
- You'’ve been avoiding it too. - Avoiding what?
Was Max the only one, or have you been cheating
- on me this whole time? - What?
Of course he's the only one.
No, definitely not.
Now you go.
I don'’t-- Maybe-- Sometimes... I think I'’m into both.
But I'’m into you,
and I love you, and I'’m attracted to you.
I'’m sorry that I slept with Max.
Guess that'’s a start.
You said you were
This is why I am tripping. I called your dads.
Roy said you haven'’t been home in days.
- He'’s worried about you. - Roy'’s only my father on paper.
That'’s not true. No.
Gideon is my biological dad.
You know, the guy that Roy screwed over, along with me?
So, you getting fucked up is supposed to, what,
teach him some kind of lesson?
That you don'’t care? 'Cause it'’s obvious
- you care a whole lot. - Why do you care?
Because some of us don'’t have one dad who loves us,
let alone two.
I'’m sorry, I-- I, uh...
...I didn'’t know.
Roy made a mistake, but he loves you
and he'’s trying to fix it...
Don'’t push him away. Let him in.
He needs you right now.
Yeah, and what do you need?
Hmm?
For you to get your shit together
♪ ["IT'S NOT MY FAULT" PLAYING] ♪
-♪ So, don't try me I'm always hungry ♪
♪ Curvy when I get That munchie ♪
♪ Thick thighs On my money, hustle ♪
-♪ It's not my fault -♪ It's not my fault
-♪ So, talk that shit -♪ So, talk that shit
-♪ It's not my fault -♪ It's not my fault
-♪ So, talk that shit -♪ So, talk that shit
-♪ 'Cause I'm still rich -♪ 'Cause I'm still rich
Last year, my best friend started hanging out
with some other kids.
On my birthday, she told me she was sorry,
to come hang out at the school.
At first, it was fun. They just kept daring me
to do stuff. Steal a trophy, tag the walls.
I was desperate to fit in, so...
Anyway, they were just waiting to get me.
And so, they... put me in that room.
You know the rest.
And when I realized what was happening,
I started to panic.
Like, really... ...panic.
And all I could think of was to set off the fire alarm.
about if I got out of there alive or not.
I killed our mom.
She had an illness. Lupus killed her, not you.
No, you say that, but you don'’t have to live...
...with knowing that the only reason you'’re alive
is because she'’s dead.
You'’re alive because she wanted you to be.
I'’m sorry for a lot of things, and I'll always be sorry.
Oh, well, um, I hope you'’ll stop soon,
'cause it'’s really nice
to have somebody who knows what I'’m going through.
That'’s what sisters are for, I guess.
From now on,
this day is your birthday first.
That'’s what she would've wanted...
I'’m glad you were born, Zoya Jane.
Julien Elizabeth.
It'’s not too late to turn this party around.
- Can I tell you stuff like that? - Yes. Because it'’s true...
and we don'’t hide from stuff like that anymore.
♪ I'm looking at you right now
♪ I wanna watch it back
♪ And I know It's not very sexy ♪
♪ When somebody loves you This much ♪
All right, followers.
Time to face the music.
Looks like the war is finally over.
I think your girlfriend wants to dance.
If you'’ll excuse me, I'’ll go tell Luna
and Monet to put their weapons down.
♪ Diggin' up old ground
Well, how could I? I'’m dating the birthday girl.
For... at least another hour.
I will be very glad when this day is behind me.
I'’m sorry that that happened to you.
I'’m sorry too. For how I treated you.
You only wanted to make this day special for me,
and I pushed you aside.
I'’m grateful that I have someone like you
who knows the real me.
Apology accepted.
And starting now,
you're gonna get the birthday you deserve.
How about I call and get you a suite at the Greenwich Hotel
for a relaxing night alone?
Twelve-hour massage, room service, whatever you want.
I'’ve never ordered room service in my life.
Well, tonight could be the night.
♪ Step on up
♪ Pay them no mind
♪ You're alone with this one
♪ And they're angry Well, it won't do no good♪
But would you mind if I took a rain check?
There'’s someone I really want to spend tonight with.
But the thing about when wars end?
When the dust has settled and the smoke clears,
only then can we finally face what we'’ve done.
I did what you said.
And? How'd it go?
Like it'’s my fault that their marriage fell apart,
it'’s my fault he fell out of love.
None of this is your fault.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
you're probably the only person who thinks that right now.
You should go.
I really should.
- Max, I can'’t-- - Stop? Me neither.
Fuck it.
♪ Step on up Pay them no mind ♪
No one returns from war unchanged.
Not only to those around us, but to ourselves.
So, what happens now?
And slowly, little by little,
we either remember who we used to be,
or we allow ourselves to become someone new.
Hey, can I give you a ride?
I live, like, 60 blocks from here.
I don'’t mind.
Who will you be,
I don'’t know about you,
-I feel fine.
Scratch that.
Better than fine.
Finally free.
XOXO...