GOSSIP GIRL: Is there anything merrier than Christmas
in New York?
That, dear followers, depends on if you've made
my naughty or nice list.
♪ ["MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY" BY IKE AND TINA TURNER PLAYS] ♪
[DOORBELL RINGING]
GOSSIP GIRL: Are you trying to wipe the slate clean,
but coming up short?
- [GRUNTS] - I didn't order--
Your father has an account with us.
Twelve-foot Douglas fir, every year.
You can cancel that.
GOSSIP GIRL: Pining for happier holidays past?
Maybe wishing you could avoid
the holidays altogether this year?
PERSONAL SHOPPER: So, for your mother, we have options.
The Santos de Cartier watch, classic,
or maybe the rose gold?
Whatever's the most expensive.
- Just... - Of course.
And for Julien?
OBIE BERGMANN: Um...
that won't be necessary this year.
GOSSIP GIRL: Or are you drowning your sorrows
the old-fashioned way,
with some therapeutic online shopping?
Since, uh, Max is no longer an option,
I guess we have to widen our net to find a third.
- We need a profile pic. - Okay. Wait. [GIGGLES]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all ♪
-♪ Jingle all the... - ♪ Way
♪ Way
Oh, so we are doing a Christmas tree after all?
Oh, lord, no.
Pops is collecting this.
Which means no more Fruma-Sarah nightmares of Nana Faye
finding out we do Christmas, or...
did Christmas.
You don't mind, do you?
No. No. I'm pretty non-denominational
about everything anyway, so...
That is something I need to learn from you.
How to not be bound to one thing your whole life.
MAX WOLFE: As you should.
'Cause, I mean, relationships are just Ponzi schemes
that we repeatedly run on each other
that only end in pain and ruin.
I mean, look at you and Pops. Jules and Obie.
Uh, Audrey's mom and dad.
Aki's mom and dad.
I mean, should I go on?
You can't think that way, Maxie.
There are good relationships. I promise.
Look at Audrey and Aki.
Their time is coming, too.
I mean, love is just a distraction to bide our time
between now and when we're dead.
But not me. No. Not now, not ever.
Because I got my focus back.
GOSSIP GIRL: Whatever the reason for your season, my lovelies,
rest assured that Gossip Grinch is watching and waiting.
Waiting to snatch your presents right out from under your nose.
[SIGHS] This is all my fault.
It's nobody's fault.
Okay, maybe, it's like a little bit your fault.
Z, it's fine. We all make mistakes.
That's how we learn and how we grow.
You just need to let me worry about finding a new apartment.
- And tuition. - Just keep your head down,
and you'll get through academic probation.
[SNAPS FINGER] On that note.
How 'bout a little scholastic motivation?
Apparently, a bunch of private schools decided to
throw their annual holiday fundraiser together.
Taylor Mac's Holiday Sauce. [CHUCKLES]
I don't know.
Is donating to a school that's taken my scholarship away
really what we should be doing right now?
I have to stay in good standing with them
just as much as you do.
Why are there three tickets?
I thought it would be nice, given what's she's been through,
if we go along with Julien.
My entire time here has been wrapped up in Julien.
If you don't mind, I'd like to keep our potential farewell tour
to a smaller group.
- Okay. - Bye, Dad.
NICK LOTT: Bye.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
♪ ["GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN" BY ANNIE LENNOX PLAYING] ♪
Guten Morgen, Kleiner.
- Heidi? What? - [HEIDI BERGMANN LAUGHS]
I thought that we were meeting in Munich...
[SMOOCHES] ...on Sunday?
Relax. I had a pending acquisition to close here,
and I figured you could hitch a ride back on the company jet.
We had beds put in after Papa hurt his back,
so there's plenty of room for you
and whichever sister you're dating now.
What's with the face? You're not happy to see me?
Of course I am. I'm just...
I'm surprised.
Would you like another?
- Fucking what? - [HEIDI LAUGHS]
I didn't even know you were dating anyone.
Does Mom know?
Of course. Klaus proposed on Necker Island last month.
I mean, even Papa's thrilled. Of course, he should be.
Klaus is German.
Usually I loathe other Germans. They're too clean.
But Klaus is very, very dirty.
- [SCOFFS] - I forget, you're clean too.
I, uh...
I didn't realize that there was a family vacation without me.
Your social justice thing.
It's cute, and-- and it serves a purpose. Sometimes.
But you took it too far this time.
I did what I felt was right.
You always have, haven't you? I mean, poor little Otto Junior,
too tender-hearted for even pheasant hunting.
But someone had to take your place, and that is why
I am where I am and you are where you are.
And who the hell got you to give up being single?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [WHISPERS] But it's Christmas. - So?
It gives him a whole two weeks to prove it's not true.
Or it is true, and we blew it open.
And you said you saw the tip yourself.
We have to do something.
And I'm sick of it always being the right thing.
[GRUNTS]
Hi, I'm calling from the admissions office
- at Amherst. - [SHUSHES]
We were reviewing the application
for, um, one of your athletes,
Isaiah Woodard, and received an anonymous tip
that he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs
perhaps given to him by the coach there, one Scott Kovacs?
If you could connect me with the Head of School so we could
resolve this matter privately, that would be great.
One down. Two to go.
AKI MENZIES: What about Enzo?
A non-binary dance student at Juilliard.
I mean, they're gorg.
I don't know, there's something about them.
I can't put my finger on it.
They're just not, uh... they're not...
OBIE: Max, she came in this morning
and told me the whole thing.
No, I am sorry. I refuse to believe it.
That tantric enchantress would never willingly volunteer
for the monotony of matrimony.
Heidi Bergmann doesn't settle down.
You go down on her. Hourly.
You line up for the privilege. And it is a long line.
Wait, Heidi's getting married?
Yeah, I thought she was dating one of the Skarsgaårds?
All of them at the same time.
His name is Klaus Wagner of the Wagner Hotel Group.
And apparently we have dinner tonight.
There's less than zero chance that the heir to a hotel chain
with a cartoon squirrel in PJs as its mascot
is up to my Heidi's standards.
Since when is she your Heidi?
Who do you think Max's first was?
- And next? - Full body cringe.
- Yeah. - I mean, I don't understand.
You want to sabotage her engagement?
No. I want to re-engage her inner sybarite.
How long do I have?
Uh, well, we leave for Munich on Thursday but--
Okay, well, then I've got to focus on my breathwork.
And stretch.
You get a chance to talk to Julien since...
No.
I mean, look, I get that what she's going through is awful,
but if I'm being honest,
I felt like I started losing myself
- trying to help her again. - I feel terrible,
but not speaking to her this weekend
has been a little bit of a weight off my shoulders.
It's just, you know...
too much sometimes.
MAX: And now she's ignoring me.
One does not simply leave the Herb Ritts
- of dick pics on read, Obie. - Uh, she's engaged.
Yeah, so she's happy, uh, relaxed... in love, even.
No, you cannot possibly believe that.
Look, this is a woman who made a million dollars
reading the Kama Sutra on Cameo.
People from here to Chiang Mai are currently closing their eyes
and picturing her in order to finish.
Look, I know that she is your sister.
- Yeah. - I know. I know.
But listen, Heidi Bergmann out-Max-es even me.
Okay? Nobody gives that up for love.
No one gives that up for anything.
Okay, look, you asked me a year ago,
one year ago, I would've said
no chance Heidi ever gets hitched.
But it sounds like they're a great fit.
I mean, they met at the hotel conference
in Hong Kong last spring and they engaged
- shortly thereafter-- - No. See? There.
A shotgun wedding, that doesn't sound incredibly suspect to you?
Well, apparently, they're planning on a long engagement,
- so... - [GROANS] Obie, Obie, Obie.
Try-- Quiet your trusting mind, Obie, okay?
Let me do the dirty work. Now, I must go.
I have some digging to do.
I will see you tonight at dinner.
Welcome to study hall.
I would encourage those of you here under academic probation
to use this time not only to catch up on your schoolwork,
but also contemplate the life choices
which have landed you here.
As we say, "Our priorities are..."
STUDENTS: Paramount to our future.
MR. SPENCER: Very, very good.
Miss Barnes. We discussed this. One more late arrival--
Mr. Spencer, I get why you're vexed,
but this time was completely unavoidable.
I was on my way to school,
there was this ancient lady carrying a blind dachshund,
and as she's crossing the street,
the dog leaps out of her arms.
It's going crazy. It's running in loops.
I mean, it almost got hit by, like, 20 Ubers.
- So, naturally, I intervened. - Oh, naturally.
I can show you the pictures if you don't believe me.
I just-- Well, I gotta find my phone.
That won't be necessary, Miss Barnes.
Please find your seat.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[WHISPERS] Shan.
Oh, I'm-- I'm okay, thanks.
It's CBD. Or THC.
I take the label off, and then I forget,
and then it's kinda like the fun of not knowing,
but, oh, yeah, I know who you are.
The newest member of the Calloway Cartel.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Man, you and your sister.
Talk about generational trauma.
Makes me happy I'm an only child.
Wait, so what happened with the dog?
What dog?
How long are you in here for?
I'm in here all the time. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, my parents wanna send me to boarding school in the fall.
You?
I actually don't know. Um... I lost my scholarship,
so I can't afford to pay tuition.
And you like going to school here?
I mean, I like the teachers. And I'm learning a lot, but...
doesn't feel like it's meant to be.
It just seems hopeless.
That is so fucked up.
Miss Barnes, need I remind you this is a study hall
and not a Tamron Hall interview?
Are you profiling me, Mr. Spencer?
- What? No. - SHAN: Because right now,
this doesn't feel like a safe space.
[CLEARS THROAT] In fact, I'm starting to feel
a little lightheaded.
Although that maybe because I'm hypoglycemic
and not because of your unchecked racial bias?
Oh, I could have a full-on syncopic episode right here
under your watch,
unless I eat something immediately.
[GROANS]
You're a life-saver, Spencey.
- KATE KELLER: Mmm. - JORDAN GLASSBERG: Hey.
What did you do to Scott this morning?
He's been put on leave
until the allegations against him are vetted.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
But since he won't dare open GG while he's being investigated,
we can talk without him.
Look, I know we don't always see eye to eye
on the right way to do things,
but I think we can all agree that this experiment
shouldn't have been hijacked by some man
just because he thinks he can do it better than a woman can.
Or Jordan.
Thanks for including me.
Are you seriously trying to pull the girl power card right now?
We could do this together. The way it was intended
before all this went sideways. Equal partners.
You think that we're some wilting flowers
who bent to Scott's will, but you're wrong.
We let Scott write because he was good at it.
He may be down because of you,
but me and Sharon, this is still ours.
Yes. All the things she said.
I'm leaving. And not just because
your Karen pixie snowflake power grab isn't working,
but also because...
you get very cold very easily at my age.
Spotted, shipwreck on the corner of Madison Ave.
Or something.
- [STAMMERS] - I'll work on it.
That went well. Now what?
Stop being polite and start getting real?
Cut off their heads.
This chaotic neutral, it's...
too Demi Lovato for me.
I miss lawful evil.
Well, how about a little wartime alliance?
- Psst. - What?
There's-- there's an EpiPen in the interior pocket.
Just jab it into my upper thigh and press until it clicks.
All right, here we go. [GROANS]
- ZOYA LOTT: Shan? - [MUMBLING] Nut-- nuts-- nuts.
- Shan, are you okay? - Allergic-- allergies. [CHOKING]
[GASPING, CHOKING]
Shit! Shit, shit, shit. She's going into anaphylactic shock.
Someone call the nurse. See if she has an EpiPen.
EpiPen. Oh! She has one in her bag,
I'll get it. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
- [EPIPEN CLICKS] - [GASPS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Thanks, babe. You're a badass.
[EXHALES SHARPLY, PANTING]
Next time, before you give food to a student,
you should confirm whether or not they have allergies first.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] I think I need to go to the nurse.
Is it all right if Zoya walks with me?
- I'm still kinda woozy. - Yeah, of course.
Okay. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
Wait. Were you just faking it?
No, I'm allergic to walnuts.
So when I saw the Clif Bar on old Spencey's desk,
I seized the moment.
So you intentionally gave yourself anaphylactic shock?
Well, at this point, it ain't even a ride anymore.
You coming?
We-- we can't just skip school.
Can't? Or won't?
Hmm?
Being good all the time is not only exhausting,
it's gotten you nowhere.
Worse than that, in detention and off scholarship.
When's the last time you did anything fun?
Take a fucking day. Just one, for you.
It's all gone to shit anyways,
and you haven't even been able to enjoy it.
Do you like cookies?
[GIGGLES]
I know where we can bake some.
[SIGHS] Okay.
♪ [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
Dad?
Grams!
Merry Christmas, kiddo.
What-- what are you doing here?
Pops and I couldn't stand the idea
of you spending the holidays alone.
Wait. Pop-pop's here too?
No, no. He's back in Danville
getting the guest room ready for you-know-who.
- Dad? - You're coming back with me.
Oh, thank God. Wait, I really need this.
Just get out of the city for a week,
clear my head over the holidays, reset.
Oh, it's not just for the holidays, hon.
I'm taking you back home. For good. [SIGHS]
Um, don't think I don't appreciate the offer.
- I do. It's just-- - I do not know how you two
live this high up.
Oh, my God. It always gives me the spins.
JULIEN CALLOWAY: You get used to it.
Especially when it's all you've ever known.
Which brings me back to my point about my leaving.
That is not the right thing for me.
You are a minor.
One living alone in this apartment
with no one to watch over you.
I can take care of myself.
Well, you shouldn't have to.
Not with everything going on right now.
You mean my dad being--
Please. Let's not get into that yet.
At least he's done one thing right.
He signed over the bulk of his assets to you in trust,
assigning us as legal guardians.
I told him this city was no place to raise a child.
But did he listen?
[SIGHS] Look how that turned out.
I'm fine.
- I'm not him. - He's not him, either.
With all due respect, Grams--
Anyway, I own this place now. And I am not keeping it.
So I don't get any say in the matter?
You're gonna take me away from the only home
I've ever known, from my friends, my school?
DONNA: Believe me, it's the best thing for you.
[JULIEN GASPS]
SHAN BARNES: So, where do you like to hang?
Uh, I don't know. The Met Steps?
No you don't.
- Dumbo Hall. - You don't like that either.
- Dimes Square? - Hi. Could you use some help?
What are you, Jeremy O. Harris?
Wonder what she's got.
No, he's my um...
- No, we follow each other. - Oh. Are you in his phone?
- No. - Then you're not his friend.
Where do you go, girl?
Come on, there's gotta be at least one place.
- Ooh, sexy nails. [SCOFFS] - Uh...
Everything you know and do is your sister's shit.
You don't even have one piece of you
- in this huge fuckin' city. - ZOYA: I guess...
Yeah, no, I don't.
Okay. Well, it's time to find you one.
Mmm, but first we gotta get you some art
on these bougie-ass nails.
Mmm... I'm not really into nail art.
Your sister's not really into nail art.
You're into anything until you decide you're not.
Okay? Come on.
Settle an argument for us.
Which is more ballsy, breaking and entering
or impersonating a federal agent?
It isn't a competition, Wendy.
Everything is a competition.
And aiding and abetting either one is a crime,
so do I wanna know?
No crime occurred on my end.
Tati very willingly took me up
in her NoHo loft elevator the other night.
Is it my fault I have a memory for things like codes?
I'm living in a Bushwick walk-up,
and Tati lives in a NoHo loft
- with an elevator code? - You should see the place.
She grew up in Syracuse, so it's not family money.
She certainly can't be making that teaching private school.
She's gotta be pulling money in on the side.
So while she was out at reiki,
- uh, we snuck into her-- - We got her client list.
Tati's an escort?
JORDAN: No. She's a private SAT proctor.
One whose students, based on all their records,
seem to score in the 1500s. Every single time.
Is she a Rick Singer? Is that what you found?
Me? No.
Federal Agent Rita Jones, however, struck oil
while placing a phone call to one Natasha Rowley
informing her that her son Cody had been linked
to a cheating scandal. Took all of five minutes
before she spilled names of everyone involved
in exchange for qualified immunity.
- You're welcome. - This isn't necessarily true.
Just like the thing about Scott wasn't necessarily true.
We could just be making it all up.
He's got the hots for Tots.
Ignore him.
Natasha's willing to pay for our silence.
I'm guessing others would as well.
Which makes it feel real, and lucrative for us.
Here's a thought.
How about we don't add blackmail to the extensive list
of crimes we committed today?
However, I do think
we could use this for more than just Tati.
- Mm-hmm. - [KATE INHALES SHARPLY]
[BOTH GASP]
[GASPS] That was perfect.
Call us anytime?
You were faking.
So were you.
Well, most of the time it felt like my own hand
but not someone else's.
Most of the time it felt like someone else's hand, not my own.
I mean, I feel like we need a redo, right?
Who's close? Who's close?
AUDREY HOPE: Oh, what about Jamison?
AKI: The barista?
[AUDREY BREATHING HEAVILY]
I, um,
I gotta get back to work before my break is over.
Well, I'm glad you were avail.
Never been watched, um, doing that before.
Well, I learned some pointers. Thanks for that.
[CHUCKLES]
I thought it would be fun watching you, but...
it wasn't, because you weren't having fun.
I know. I mean, he's so hot, and-- sorry--
and he knew what he was doing, but I just...
I didn't-- I didn't feel anything, so...
We've tried everything.
Maybe it's not about the sex.
Do we have any underlying issues we're not clear on or...
- Do we need to talk to someone? - Yes. Immediately.
I know exactly the person we should speak to.
♪ ["COCOA BEACH" BY MUNYA PLAYING] ♪
OBIE: No, she really was. She was always the f--
You were. You were the favorite,
and I've come to terms with it. It's fine.
- [LAUGHS] Okay. Yeah. Okay. - But it's the truth.
I'm so grateful to get to meet with you alone like this, Otto--
Obie, please.
- Obie. - Obie.
- Yes. - Right.
I know that once we all get to Munich,
there will be so many people and no time for any of us.
- OBIE: Yeah. No, this is great. - MAX: Oh, let me have a taste.
Ah, an orange, of course.
Only the funkiest and weirdest for my Heidi.
Max, I heard you might be stopping by.
It's such a shame you can't stay longer.
So, Santa Klaus, is it? Maximus Wolfe.
Nice to meet you, whoever you are.
Uh, Max is a friend.
Ah, your best friend? The skateboarder?
No. I'm more Heidi's best friend here, right?
We used to fuck. Very past tense.
Now, now, Heidi, come on. We don't wanna make him jealous.
KLAUS WAGNER: I'm not jealous.
I'm glad she had a life before me.
- I had a life before her. - [LAUGHS]
MAX: Klaus, tell me.
How did you know that Heidi was the one?
- I didn't. Not right away. - [LAUGHS]
We were negotiating a buyout and honestly, she terrified me.
But after weeks of intense back and forth,
I started to realize that I was...
stalling, just so that I could spend more time with her.
And once we realized that--
We ended the business negotiations instantly.
Luckily for me, because she was ruthless.
HEIDI: Still am.
- [KLAUS CHUCKLES] - Just in more fun ways now.
- Yeah. - [BOTH LAUGH]
So, uh, you've never been one for one person, Heidi.
What changed, huh?
I did, I guess? I grew up.
You're only 20.
Twenty in Europe is 40 in America.
I help run a business. And soon, two.
Have you guys set a date?
KLAUS: Well, we're not in a rush.
Why not enjoy being engaged?
Mmm. Agreed.
Better to have a long trial period, right?
Wait out the warranty.
At least until you've checked
all the schranks for ein skeletts.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, thank god. That is my CFO. Please excuse me.
We say, "leichen im keller."
Okay.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES] - [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey. It's past dinnertime
and I'm staring at an empty place setting.
Oh. Dad. Right. Um... I'm so sorry.
- I'm with Julien. - NICK: Remember,
it's a school night, I don't want you out late.
Yes. Absolutely.
I will be home as soon as we're finished eating.
Okay. I'm glad you did that, honey.
Yeah, me too.
Ooh, she's a quick one.
- What's this? - SHAN: I don't know,
a bunch of dried peppers? I'm not eating them.
- [CHUCKLES] - ZOYA: Oh, my God.
Shan. Shan. It's hot.
- Let it burn. - [ZOYA GASPS]
Don't you love New York pizza?
Hmm. I know what you're doing, hon.
You are not going to be able to convince me about this city.
Your father couldn't,
your mother couldn't, God rest her soul,
and you certainly are not going to be able to.
A Foxy Brown milkshake from Mikey Likes It can.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] No, the only thing that's gonna make me
feel better is getting you home.
I'm not moving to Danville.
I've already enrolled you in school.
This is wrong, Grandma.
My dad did something heinous,
and I'm the only one who's getting punished for it?
Do you think it's easy for us?
Uprooting my entire life is not the same
as you getting side-eye at book club.
We let your father live here on his own
against our better judgement,
and look what the city did to him.
A person needs their family,
and it is clear that you do not have it here.
I have family here, and I can prove it.
And if I do...
will you let me stay?
It's clear that you have very strong feelings for each other.
AUDREY: Yes, we do.
- But... - No "but."
You're looking to outsiders.
So, clearly, something is lacking.
And if you can just tell us what that is,
we can-- we can handle it, right?
Maybe it isn't that something is missing,
it's the idea that something is missing.
You know, you're looking to each other to fulfill
every possible need you have,
and that's too much for one relationship.
You're just two people.
Yeah. Two people.
♪ ["ONLY YESTERDAY" BY CARPENTERS PLAYING] ♪
Does any of this feel familiar to you?
- Don't you dare. - Dare what?
We were just admiring
how you've managed to stay in this neighborhood
while, uh, we schlep in from Brooklyn every day.
Rent-stabilized since I moved in, in '89.
[CHUCKLES]
Always thought it was temporary till I got married.
Hmm.
[SLURPS] Nothing is temporary.
Sharon.
You're the same age I was when I started.
That's a lovely memory.
Get out while you can.
What are you doing? [SCOFFS]
Every single thing on me is falling off early.
And why?
Because those kids.
They take years off your life.
- They take life off your bones-- - Okay, sure, I'll--
SHARON: They suck your soul and body dry.
- Get out now, I'm telling you. - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
KATE: But you had to believe when you started
that you were there to inspire.
You know, we agree that feels impossible now,
but Gossip Girl was affecting real change.
I know you know that. And it can again...
SHARON: What's this?
JORDAN: A list of parents who paid Tati
to give their juniors perfect SAT scores.
I just assumed she was a pro.
This actually makes me respect her.
But she cheated the system.
A broken system can't be cheated.
It can be repaired. Tati's out.
If you give me access again, Gossip Girl can get back
to affecting real, necessary change on this generation.
The next AOC...
or FDR could be sitting in one of your classes right now.
It only takes one to make a difference.
What Tati did was wrong. I agree.
It needs to be posted.
But not by you.
Why?
It's so cute...
how you're still eye-level when you stand.
And because there won't be anything left to access
when I'm done.
I've seen all the tips that have come in,
all the disgusting things these monsters are capable of.
They send pictures of their friends' sanitary napkins,
detail humiliating hook-ups down to their viscosity.
Oh, and they spin lies just to bring pain and embarrassment
onto people that they would never even talk to in the halls,
and so fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em all.
I... am going to post every last tip that we ever got.
And I'm gonna name who they came from.
Every last one.
And then I am going to watch them tear each other apart
like it was ancient Rome
and I'm the only one who got out to the hills on time.
Or we can change them for the better.
I'm doing you a favor, Kate.
We're not so different, you and I. [SCOFFS]
The sooner you let go of hope,
the less heartache you'll face.
Trust me.
Look, I know that you don't want to hear this,
but I think that it's real.
Oh, no, yeah. It's real.
It's real transactional.
I eavesdropped on Heidi's call.
She is in the midst of a deal to buy a majority stake
in Wagner Hotel Group. Now tell me, Wan Obie,
what would your sister possibly have to gain from that?
Nothing.
- But Klaus would. - Hmm.
I mean, a massive influx of Bergmann capital
could keep Wagner viable.
Perhaps throughout a very long engagement?
[OBIE SIGHS]
One just long enough to save his family
without having to actually marry her?
Nick! It's so good to see you.
- Hi. - [JULIEN GIGGLES]
- This is-- - Mrs. Calloway.
- Nicholas. - You two know each other?
If you call trying to prevent someone from attending
the funeral of their child's mother
"knowing them," then yes.
Bringing me here is supposed to convince me of what exactly?
Just give it a chance, okay?
Are you going to invite us in?
[SIGHS] Come on.
- Did Zoya take the stairs? - We took the elevator.
Did we just miss her? Where is she?
With you, according to her.
Oh. Uh, a little--
For a little while, earlier. Mm-hmm.
You don't know where your daughter is?
Like her mother, I see.
Uh... she's joking. Grandma, please.
Julien, what are you doing here?
Dad, I can explain.
No need to explain lying, Zoya.
Hey. Lying's not really a Zoya trait, am I right?
Seems like her only trait lately.
This is the "incredible father" and "brilliant sister"
that you expect me to entrust your safety to?
I'm sorry. Sorry, who are you?
- This is my grandma. - And they were just leaving.
Dad, I just-- I didn't want you to worry
while I was out with a new friend. Okay?
And if Julien hadn't planned some family reunion
- without my knowledge-- - I was just...
NICK: What, I wouldn't have found out?
Why are we even bothering trying to find a new place in this city
if it's turning you into this-- this person?
Dad, you don't understand. I had a good day today.
I don't care. I love you, Z.
But right now, I do not like you.
You were leaving, right?
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SIGHS] Jules... - I'll pack in the morning.
[SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
SHAN: Hey, girl. Down for some Ethiopian?
- I can't, I'm grounded. - [DOORBELL RINGS]
SHAN: Is this because of yesterday?
My bad, huh?
Uh, it's not your fault. You didn't force me to lie.
I still owe you. Please leave a 20 percent tip.
[SHAN CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I'm sick of disappointing him, but...
I can't seem to get out of it. Like it's on loop.
And I'm afraid he's going to move us back to Buffalo.
I can feel it coming.
Well, maybe you shouldn't let him.
It is not that easy.
Hey, wanna go get dessert?
Once again. Grounded.
You said he went to the fundraiser.
Which means he'll be occupied
for the next couple of hours at least.
You'll be back before you know it.
We can even take a car.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
[GROANS]
♪ ["COOL YULE" BY LOUIS ARMSTRONG PLAYING] ♪
[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Quick, before she sees us talking.
She's planning to make the drop at intermission
for maximum impact.
So many of our targets are here. Look.
I just don't know how to stop her.
I can't even believe she knows how to do it.
She can't send an email without tech support.
[JORDAN CLEARS THROAT]
OBIE: Heidi.
So where is my future brother-in-law?
Klaus had a last-minute meeting with his legal team.
You know, Max heard you on the phone.
You mean overheard parts of a conversation
and then made up the rest to suit his own narrative?
Why would he lie?
Ever since I took Max's virginity,
he's made me his security blanket.
Whenever he gets rejected, he'll send me sad DMs
asking if I miss him.
Your friend's in pain, Ottocado.
And he's trying to numb it by yanking his blanky back
- from another boy. - OBIE: It's not just Max.
It's not. I mean, I never thought that you would get married either.
Trust that your older, wiser sister
knows what she's doing,
and promise me you'll stop this?
- [SCOFFS] - [HEIDI CHUCKLES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, are you okay?
You've been so quiet ever since our session.
[SIGHS]
I thought I would gain more clarity,
but I feel more confused than ever.
Why does it feel like it's not enough anymore?
I feel like we have tried everything.
Opening our relationships. Like, many, many threesomes.
Radical honesty. But still...
there's this nagging feeling inside of me
like I left my phone somewhere even though... [INHALES DEEPLY]
...I can see that it's in my hand.
Hi.
Three tickets for Hope.
No, I only, uh, purchased two.
Sorry. Says here you ordered three.
Thanks.
Hey, just take it easy.
Dr. Guralnik said not to expect our relationship
to fulfill every need.
Wow. She came.
AKI: Why don't you go say hi to her
while I fill our extra seat with cookies and hot toddies for you?
I love you.
Hey.
I see your grandma flew in, huh?
Yes. She's here.
- Look, I know I said-- - I'm sorry that-- Oh.
I come bearing gifts.
I can't accept this.
Not until our Christmas Eve gift exchange.
I mean, it's tradition, Julien.
Well, I'm leaving for Indiana in the morning.
It'll be good to be around family.
- We're your family. - Are you?
♪ ["I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING] ♪
Just open your gift, okay?
[AUDREY GASPS, WHIMPERS]
I love it.
Well, um, there's something in here for everyone,
so if I just leave it at the coat check,
- can you hand it out? - Yeah. And then, um,
I'll tell everyone to bring your gifts to Hudson
and you can open them on New Year's.
- Yeah. - [WHISPERING] Thank you.
I know what I heard, okay? What are you waiting for?
Did you know that Boat Shoe is at an emergency meeting
- with his legal team right now? - What do you expect me to do?
Find out the hell he's up to. Okay?
I mean this is your business as well, right? No?
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
Look, I'm with-- I'm with Heidi, uh, but her phone died,
and she's looking for the updated filings
from the Wagner Group.
Can you send them to me?
Right. Danke.
Wow, I always forget you can do that. It's so hot.
PIPPA SYKES: Oh, my God. Can you believe her?
BIANCA BREER: I know, so tragic.
Every year, that same outfit. As if no one would notice.
You would think she could at least accessorize.
You don't think all those dead stray hairs do that?
[WOMEN CHUCKLE]
PAYTON: Ladies.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I'm sure they weren't talking--
Of course they were talking about me. [SCOFFS]
And I thought I looked nice tonight.
Cunts.
Well, I'd rather look like this than botoxidermy, anyway.
That's actually funny?
- Pippa deserves what's coming. - What is coming?
Spotted. Pips taking care of some Unplanned Parenthood
after getting knocked up by Tyler Matheson,
who ditched her seconds after he set foot at Penn.
Gossip Girl would never shame anyone
for exercising their right to choose.
Her own mother sent that tip in, Kate.
Her mother.
And when she finds that out, and about all the things
that her bestie has sent in on her...
[CHUCKLES] ...it's gonna get real Tiger King real fast.
Sharon, wait.
[SIGHS]
♪ [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
This is dessert?
Speakeasys are no longer
just for business bro craft cocktails.
The mood is dessert.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ [JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]
You brought me to St. Ann's Warehouse?
My dad will commit filicide if he sees me here.
You're in the walls, my darling girl.
He can't see you. [CHUCKLES]
You are grout. You are mortar.
[CHUCKLES]
Another pocket of you.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
♪ Silent night
♪ Holy night
♪ Shepherds quake
♪ At the sight
♪ Glories stream
♪ From heaven above
♪ Holy hosts
♪ Sing alleluia
♪ Sleep in heavenly...
♪ Peace
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
♪ [MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
Good night, everybody.
Thank you all for coming out!
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]
You're the boss, applesauce.
[APPLAUSE]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Holy shit. We gotta get out of here.
- It's intermission. - No, my dad just invited me, and I missed it.
I gotta go home and change,
and then we gotta come back here, I guess.
Okay, okay, okay. We can go out the back.
- AUDREY: Hi. - Audrey.
AUDREY: It's been so long. How are you?
Oh, it's so great to see you.
How was volunteering at the food bank?
- Food bank? - Mm-hmm.
It was great. Yeah. Really busy this time of year.
Good for you, helping out during the holidays.
[CHUCKLES] Speaking of helping, I, um...
I'm really glad that you were able to come and be with Julien.
I was not going to leave her alone.
- Isn't Davis there? - He moved out last week.
Look, I know that Jules would prefer to live on her own,
but... she will feel better once she's back with us. She'll see.
♪ ["FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK" BY THE POGUES PLAYING] ♪
Oh, my God, she's gonna do it right now,
and I can't do anything to stop her.
- Give me your phones. - What? No.
Do it. No case, no case.
All right. Bye.
♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- TREE: Good luck with the Grinch. - [CHUCKLES]
JORDAN: [LOUDLY] You stole my phone!
- Uh, what are you doing? - JORDAN: Security! Security!
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
This woman is a thief. She's stolen my phone.
I did no such thing--
- Wait! Hey! - I bet if you look through her bag,
you'll find all sorts of things. Phones, food, drugs...
- What on earth is going on here? - This woman stole my phone.
Mine too. Look, she also stole my Zoloft.
HEIDI: [LAUGHS] Oh boy, of course.
You wanna tell my sister the real reason
you want a long engagement, or shall I?
- Obie, what are you-- - What is this?
Well, this is proof
the only reason you proposed was to get my sister to convince
my family to save your family's hotels from going under,
and when you get what you want, you're gonna leave.
Tell me this isn't real.
I can explain.
♪ [SOFT CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
[GUESTS CHATTERING QUIETLY]
Zoya, you made it.
And brought a friend?
[ZOYA GROANS]
Oh, no.
So, when did you plan on telling me this?
Before or after there was 800 miles between us?
I didn't want to upset you. Not on my last night.
Your last night?
- Are you kidding me right now? - Do you care?
It's not like I've heard from you for the past week.
Of course I care.
Doesn't matter. I'm the problem.
- You're not a problem-- - JULIEN: And it'll stay that way
until I truly face what's happening to me
instead of expecting the people I love to shield me from that.
You don't have to abandon us to do that.
It's not my choice to make.
So, who are all of these?
They're theirs, but they're just trying to get me to--
Stop making a mistake that'll hurt everyone, including you.
Stealing is not a mistake. It's a crime.
We just want our phones back. We're not gonna press charges.
SHARON: Press charges? Oh my God.
Okay. So we're all good here?
- Peachy. - [SHARON SCOFFS]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, this is very childish. Even for you children.
Give me my phone back.
Don't do it, I beg of you.
We're the ones who need to be fixed, not them.
It's not their fault for taking the bait.
It's mine for throwing it in the water.
They're just doing what they're supposed to do.
Fuck up and make mistakes so they can learn and grow.
But if you release everything they did to each other,
they won't grow. They'll regress.
We swore to keep all business off the table.
But we started as business associates.
A Bergmann and Wagner union was already in the works.
And when we fell in love,
we took all business off the table.
And I tried,
but the deal was too good.
I had an obligation to my company to see it through.
- I was planning on telling you. - After we were married?
Why do you think that I wanted a long engagement?
I wanted to know for certain that you loved me
more than you love business.
I do. I do love you more.
How can I believe anything that you say now?
It's over.
♪ [CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES]
Are you actually telling me this?
You were already here?
- Dad, we-- - SHAN: She was.
- Shan! - Tell him the truth, Zoya.
I'm sorry. Who's this person?
I'm your daughter's best friend.
No, she's not. And she's--
And as her best friend, if she won't tell you, I will.
She's cracking under the weight of your expectations.
Yes, it was her idea to move to New York,
but every day since you got here,
the pressure on her to make you proud has only grown.
She knows how unhappy she constantly makes you,
how-- how much you struggle with her consistent failures.
She knows how much you wish none of this ever happened.
- I've never said-- - SHAN: You don't have to.
She feels it.
Don't you?
Dad, you don't think I notice
you working all these extra hours
when I go to bed on the weekends?
You're killing yourself to keep me here,
and you don't even want to be here.
I haven't seen you smile, like, really smile, since Buffalo.
It is all my fault.
I noticed something early on.
When someone sends a tip in and we don't post it,
they begin to ask why.
That forces them to reflect on what they did,
and that's how we change them.
That's how we win.
You can make us win again, Sharon.
You have the power now.
It's in your hands.
You know, I've been so disappointed in all the lies,
I... never really stopped to think about
why you might be telling them.
I just... I don't want to be a burden.
You aren't.
You never could be.
I'm sorry I've been putting you under so much pressure.
I'm not in this alone.
And neither are you.
♪ [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- PIPPA: Wait. What is this? - BIANCA: I don't know.
PIPPA: Bianca, what are you talking about?
- [ARGUING CONTINUES] - It's official. We're back.
Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping Sharon wouldn't
roll over so easy.
I strangely liked going up against her.
The ghost of Christmas future? I'm glad she's gone.
So, what will our first post back be?
A takedown of the teachers? Cleaning of the slate?
- PIPPA: You bitch! He's mine! - BIANCA: Take him!
As long as you don't care that he tastes like me.
[GASPS, GRUNTS]
- FRIEND: Bianca, stop. - [GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
- ♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] - [SCREAMING]
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]
Please do not do your thing. I am not in the mood.
What thing?
Puppy dog, Noble-O,
I'm-so-sorry I-had-good-intentions thing.
Our parents may let you get away with it,
but it won't work on me.
They let me get away with things because they've given up on me.
Can you blame them?
I let you in on the one thing that's made me happy,
and you fuck it up.
I can't stay in this city another second. I--
God.
He left me.
He... really left me.
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
Heidi, uh, I'm sorry if you got hurt...
- Oh, fuck. - ...you know, but, uh...
if you ever need anyone to lick the wounds,
wherever they may be...
When are you gonna grow up?
Oh, what's the fun in that, huh?
I mean, who doesn't want to be Peter Pan and Wendy forever?
You know, find some lost boys to get lost in?
Goodbye, Max.
Oh, Heidi, will you just cut the shit?
Huh? I mean, it's just you and me.
Max, I loved him!
Like real love.
But you, you can't... you can't get it.
People like you and people like me,
we don't fall in love.
People like you might not.
But I'm glad I am not you.
♪ [SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES]
[WHISPERING] Come here.
I'm so sorry I avoided you all day yesterday.
I think I just needed a moment of my own for a change.
I think I needed the same.
So, care to share a bit of what's been going on with you?
Why don't we talk about it tomorrow over coffee
- at the Laughing Man? - Can I join?
Donna, hi. Um, I'm Zoya.
We didn't get a chance to properly meet yesterday.
And I'm sorry about that.
I know how important first impressions are,
and not to mention how important you are to my sister.
And how important she is to me.
Perhaps I can get a redo while you're still in town?
Join Audrey, Julien, and I for coffee tomorrow?
I...
I'd like that.
Great. Well, enjoy the rest of the show.
- I love you. - No, I love you.
No, I love you.
No. I love you.
[GASPS] I love you!
- You think she was right. - I think she was right.
[ARGUING CONTINUES]
GOSSIP GIRL: They say it isn't the holidays
until somebody cries.
But that doesn't mean they can't be happy tears.
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]
Babe.
I don't think we need
the world's most preeminent couples therapist
to tell us why we haven't been in sync with anyone else.
Well, it never was about them.
Some thing isn't missing.
Is it?
[SIGHS] He's missing.
He's missing.
It's him.
I think this is the journey that Dr. Guralnik was talking about.
I'm ready if you are.
GOSSIP GIRL: Because the holidays aren't about conflict,
they're about resolution.
♪ ["PRESSURE MACHINE" BY THE KILLERS PLAYING] ♪
It's a time to put the ghosts of Christmas Pasts behind us.
♪ Hope'll set your eyes agleam
♪ Like four feet dangling In the stream ♪
♪ The kingdom of God It's a pressure machine ♪
♪ Every step Gotta keep it clean ♪
♪ A mattress On a hardwood floor... ♪
Cheers, son.
Here's to new beginnings,
and the freedom to do...
whatever the hell I want.
GOSSIP GIRL: A time to grab our Christmas Futures
by their bony hands without fear,
only excitement about what's to come.
♪ ["PRESSURE MACHINE" CONTINUES] ♪
I never wanted this for you.
I'd thought your father's troubles were behind him.
I thought mine were when I had him.
But...
nothing is easy.
I tried to watch out for him,
but I guess I held on too tight and he had to break free,
like I did with my mom.
♪ Keep the debt cloud Off the kids... ♪
I just don't want that for you.
I love you, Grandma.
Goodbyes are difficult, but, hey, it won't be for long.
- [INHALES DEEPLY] - Okay?
♪ Sometimes I look At the stars ♪
♪ And think about How small we are... ♪
GOSSIP GIRL: But you can't do that
without facing the past.
Facing what you've done.
♪ Good till the last drop
Welcome home.
Or as I like to call it, our temporary shelter for now.
It looks smaller than it was on Thanksgiving.
- Yeah, I blame your luggage. - [CHUCKLES]
I'm so grateful to your dad for reaching out to my grandma.
Yeah, and I'm grateful that our time together
isn't being unexpectedly cut short.
Okay. Let's get you unpacked, though,
because we will be sharing a very, very small closet space.
For however long we're still here. [CHUCKLES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Um...
Oh, it's my friend, Shan.
Oh, she scored last-minute tickets to The Hard Nut at BAM.
Do you mind if I...?
I'm fine. [CHUCKLES]
- Are you sure? - JULIEN: Hey. We have...
the rest of the holiday to...
unpack a whole lot more than my clothes.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Dad, I'm going out.
GOSSIP GIRL: And nobody knows better what you've done than me.
Your confessional. Your therapist.
Your friend who tells you the truth.
Or do I?
I don't think I've been entirely honest.
How could I be, anonymously?
So maybe it's time to give you
the best gift I can offer.
Real change isn't hiding behind something.
Real change comes from owning up to what you've done.
We started small, but it's all led to this.
It'll change everything.
That was the whole point.
And we didn't. Not really. This can.
GOSSIP GIRL: I told you I saw you,
but I meant I saw through you.
And it's not fair for me
to be the only one with that superpower.
So this Christmas, I'm giving it to you.
And while you may think you don't deserve it,
I know it's just what you need.
So that's it?
Just gonna post every tip anyone's ever sent in?
And who sent it.
They just need to click on the link to open the google doc.
Here goes nothing.
Let's see what they do
when they have to face what they've done.
GOSSIP GIRL: I made my list. I checked it twice.
You know you've been naughty. Now pay the price.
Phase two begins now.
- [CELL PHONES CHIME] - Oh, God.
- What? - [CHIMES CONTINUE]
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
GOSSIP GIRL: X-ho-ho-ho, Gossip Girl.
♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES]