[opening title music]
[Charlie] Okay. I have my warm weather clothes and my cold weather clothes.
I have a light jacket, flak jacket and rain jacket.
Wait. Does it rain in Heaven?
Charlie, you're only going to Heaven for a few hours.
Vaggie, we are only going to Heaven for a day.
And I just want to be prepared!
It's our last chance to convince Heaven a soul can be redeemed.
Yeah, I wish I could come, sweetie, but I have that thing.
What thing? -The thing with the... thing, um, fuck, gah, I'm such a bad liar.
Vaggie, you're my partner. I need you there with me.
[sighs] Fine.
Yes!
[huffs] Oh, fuck.
[Niffty] You look messy! What happened to you?
It's who happened to me.
And the answer is everyone.
Twice!
Val had me working 16 hours straight on a fucking whim.
The absolute dick bag.
[explosion] Arghh! What the fuck is with that wall?
What up, hoes! [laughs]
Ho-Holy shit, Cherri Bomb? Long time no see, baby!
Angie, ya bitch!
You been texting me depressing shit all day,
figured we could tear shit up like old times.
It's been fuckin' forever!
Here hold this.
[Charlie] Ah! Oh my God, oh my God.
[Vaggie] Nope, gimme that.
I love seeing ya Cherri, [loud explosion]
but I'm too tired. I need to pass out.
Oho, you can sleep when you're double dead, fuckhead!
Come on, what you really need is a recharge,
a reinvigoration, a re--
[Charlie] Responsible night on the town!
That is a great idea.
Hi, Charlie.
That's my wall that you just blew up.
It's so nice to meet one of Angel's friends.
Aagh, he never brings anyone around!
[Cherri Bomb snorts] Wonder why?
Yeah, me too.
Anyway, Angel and everyone else have been working so hard.
I think they deserve to have a little fun.
W-w-wait, they?
Yeah. Hi, everyone!
Angel and his friend are taking you all out
for a night of fun and relaxation!
Wait, I am only here for Ang...
Ooh! never mind.
Let's go!
Make sure they have the best time tonight.
Anyway the portal to Heaven should be opening right about...
[screams with delight] now!
[upbeat music]
Bye!
[spits]
[Sir Pentious] Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis!
Have you come to meet your fate in battle, Cherri Bomb?
Apparently, I'm going out with Angel and I got to drag your sorry asses along.
[Sir Pentious] Oh, oh, you and me are going out back for fun?
I, I didn't think this would ever happen.
What? What do I do? What do I wear?
Don't fucking touch me, you munted dickhead!
[ethereal music]
[Charlie] Vaggie, look at this place.
Its soooo clean!
Isn't that amazing?
Yep. Super cool.
Heaven.
Wow.
Hiya! Welcome to Heaven.
Can I get your name, please?
Oh! Uhhh, uh, uh, Charlie Morningstar!
Charlie Morningstar. Hmm.
[mumbles indistinctly]
I'm not seeing you on my list here.
That's so odd.
Uh, um, my Dad got me this meeting, so maybe--
[Peter] Oh, Dad! Okay!
Try Lucifer Morning... star.
Oh, fuck!
Yeah. Hoooo, he he he.
Yikes. Am I right?
Are you sure you're in the right place?
Because I think you might be a little lost.
Oh, here we go.
No, uh... we're, we're here for a meeting.
[Sera] Saint Peter.
We can take it from here.
Greetings, daughter of the Morningstar.
I am Sera, the High Seraphim of Heaven.
[Emily squeals
You are gifted to be here.
Hi, I'm Emily, the other Seraphim.
Though you can call me Em!
Emmy, E, whatever you want.
I go by whatever.
[laughs] Welcome to Heaven.
[church organ plays] Dearly beloved,
it is my pleasure to say unto thee.
[upbeat dance music] ♪ Welcome to Heaven ♪
♪ Oh-oh, where the virtuous reside ♪
♪ 24/7 oh-oh ♪
♪ People are happy that they died ♪
♪ 'Cause here we got no worries, got no burglaries ♪
♪ No strife ♪
♪ It's the perfect afterlife ♪
♪ Welcome to Heaven oh- oh ♪
♪ Check out our sick decor ♪
♪ The spirits leaven, oh ♪
♪ Please keep your brimstone off the floor ♪
♪ We' ve got the best and brightest ♪
♪ The politest of the lot ♪
♪ And everyone is hot! ♪
♪ Gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around ♪
♪ After you see our realm ♪
♪ You'll never want to go back down ♪
♪ Of course it is just temporary ♪
♪ I'm sorry you can't stay ♪
♪ 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day ♪
♪ Welcome to Heaven ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
[song ends] [pants]
[slurps]
Holy fucking shit balls.
Am I seeing who I think I'm seeing?
What is she doing here?
[pensive music] How did she even get up here?
Who cares? I'm handling this shit right now.
Wait, you want to start a fight on the promenade in front of everyone?
Better than waiting for the fucking extermination.
[ssshhh]
Sir,
what was the Seraphim's one rule?
Uuuuuugh, "no one but the exorcists can know about exterminations"
I know, fine.
[slurp]
Don't fucking shush me, bitch.
[Adam and Lute jump] You should listen to your lieutenant. Adam.
Fuck, Sera!
You can't sneak up on a guy like that. Jeez.
Your Highness, forgive me, but what are the hell-spawn doing here?
Well, you failed to control the demons unrest
and now Lucifer is involved,
setting up an audience for his misguided daughter.
I never would have agreed to your... [Adam slurps]
yearly activities if I thought it would bring trouble to our doorstep.
Keeping Heaven safe was my only reason for allowing it.
What do you want from me?
I'm just one guy.
I want you to do whatever you need to do
to keep this problem from getting any worse.
Are we clear?
[sighs] Yeah.
Got it.
Okay. I love Heaven.
Vaggie did you see the ice cream shop?
[excitedly] They had sprinkles made of rainbows!
Those are just rainbow sprinkles.
Emily's going to take me to a zoo where all the animals are actually soft!
You coming?
Uh, I need a break.
But hug a koala for me.
O.M.G. Can you imagine an actual koala?
Ahhh, see you later.
Huh.
[knock at door]
[Adam] Hey there Vag-asaurus!
Charlie will be back soon.
You need to get out now.
I'm not looking for the blonde, babe. I'm looking for you.
Why?
Maybe because you left the band.
You tried for a solo career.
Or I guess it's more of a...
duet!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you really think I wouldn't recognize one of my top girls
just cause you're out of uniform?
[Adam] You were on the front lines.
I wouldn't forget a bad bitch like you.
It's why I named you after the best thing ever...
Vaggie.
Actually, it's pronounced Vaggie.
Mmmmm no!
Anyway, you sure fucked up, didn't you?
[screaming] [frantic music]
[Vaggie quietly] Go, run. Now!
[spear clinks on ground] [Vaggie gasps]
[Vaggie screams]
[Lute] Sinful filth like you has no place in Heaven.
[epic music] [Vaggie breathes deeply]
[footsteps approach]
[Adam] To think someone as worthless as you landed Lilith's little hottie.
'Grats on that, I guess.
Their love is vile and blasphemous.
Hot as fuck though.
But I wonder what your bitch would think if she found out
you are actually one of us.
Hmmm?
What do you want?
Simple. You work for me again and at the hearing you're going to help me
shut this kindergarten snowflake bullshit down for good.
Never.
Oh, yeah You know, that's totally cool.
[sinister music] I guess I'll just tell little miss butterflies and rainbows
that she's been fucking someone who's killed thousands of her people.
I'm sure your relationship will be fine.
[happily] See you in court!
[grandiose music]
[strained] Oh no, not him again!
[Adam] What up, baby?
Saw that you went to my manager.
Low blow Karen.
[Sera] We are gathered here today to determine
whether or not a soul in Hell,
can be redeemed into the heavenly realm by means of this Hazbin Hotel.
Princess Morningstar?
[sigh] Thank you, Seraphim.
[clears throat]
Webster's Dictionary defines redemption as--
[Adam] Objection, lame and unoriginal.
Sustained.
No further dictionary references please.
Right, okay. Uh, uh... Uhhhh. Mmmm.
If you have actual evidence, then show it already.
We have a patron right now
who is making incredible progress.
- [Adam] Who? - Angel Dust.
Oh, yeah. The porn demon.
He's totally worth being redeemed. [blows raspberry]
Well, if you know so much.
What do you think it takes to get into Heaven?
Ummm, w-w-well... Uhhhh.
Is everything okay, Adam?
Give me a fucking minute, okay?
[muttering]
"Act selfless, don't steal, stick it to the man."
Are you fucking serious?
Uh, yeah, sure got me here, didn't it? [laughs]
Right, Sera?
He was the first human soul in Heaven.
Well, I bet Angel is doing all of those things right now!
Then let's fucking see it, brah! [fingers snap]
[wind howls]
[Charlie] Your Honors, may I present exhibit A.
[nightclub music]
[Cherri] Woo! Isn't this place the fucking best?
[Husk] I'll admit, "Consent" is a good name for a sex club.
Niffty, dear, what are you doing?
I'm sweeping! Urgh, look how icky it is in here!
That's because we're at a club, dear.
Oh! I thought the hotel looked different! [giggles]
Ms. Bomb, I-I-I'd like to buy you a drink.
Why? Didn't you say we're arch-rivals?
Um... uh... because I'm buying everyone a drink!
[cheering] [Patron] Free drinks! I love alcohol!
Good, I need a drink after today.
You know, Val, he's into this waterboarding shit now,
I don't know, it's a kink.
Angel, enough with the Val talk. He already ruined your whole day.
Don't let him ruin your night, too.
Here, take one of these and you won't be worrying about nothing.
Here we go.
Oh, look, the drunk sobered up long enough to judge us.
I ain't the one trying to get into Heaven.
Look, you want to fuck up all your progress?
Be my guest.
I just... [sighs]
I just thought you were better than that.
Thanks, Captain Buzzkill.
Come on Angie, let's get fucked up! It's been too long.
I, uhh, I don't know,
it's been a long night, and I don't need to go too wild.
Hmmm.
Come on, bitch.
If you've really been working that hard, you deserve a little R and R...
and some THC, or maybe PCP with DMT.
Aw fuck it, let's see where the night takes us, huh?
I... I guess.
Cherri, I bought you a shot.
B-because I bought everyone another shot! Hooray! [laughs]
[club goer] Yeah, another drink! I love alcohol!
[gulping] Aah... fuck it, let's do it!
[huffs]
[Adam] Heavenly people, what more do you need to see?
The porn star chose a night of debauchery.
That's not a soul worthy of being in Heaven!
Um, objection!
Are you really telling me you've never had a drink with friends
at the end of a hard day?
Uh, we don't have hard days?
It's fucking Heaven, bitch.
You seriously going to sit there and pretend like this behavior is okay?
What do you think?
I-- I-- I have to go to the bathroom.
What, Vaggie, can you hold it?!
[groans] Angel will make good decisions.
[light ethereal music] Come on, we have to keep watching.
Please.
[sighs] Yeah. I don't know.
[Emily] Yeah, let's give him a chance.
Very well.
The court will allow it.
[exclaims] Fuck, yes!
I mean, heh, thank you.
[dance music plays]
Round twelve, mother fuckers!
Heels are coming off!
[Angel] Haha, Oh yeah, keep 'em comin'!
Come on, right here, right to Daddy.
[Sir Pentious] Oh, it's wonderful to have friends! [laughs]
Everything's spinny, hehe.
[Angel] Ha, I think you're done, tiny.
No! Gimme gimme gimme!
Oh, come on, bitch, she can handle a little more.
She's like ten pounds soaking wet, and--
oh shit, where'd she go?
Hey, fuck! [glasses smashing]
Dirty, dirty, make it clean !
Dammit, Niffty.
Sorry fellas, here, next one's on me.
[fighting, arguing]
Niffty?
Shit!
Chlorine... Bleach...
Angie... the fuck are you doing?
You're supposed to be relaxing, not playing nanny.
Look, she ain't used to this scene.
I just don't want her to end up in the gutter like I used to.
Pfft, whatever, nerd.
Just catch up when you're done.
- [Niffty giggles] - [Angel] Stop!
You can't take that.
God, Niff, why are you bein' such a mess?!
[sobs] I'm the mess?
[bawls]
Oh, oh shit! Hey, hey, hey... calm down, ya ain't a mess.
It's fine... Ssshhh, hey, you wanna play with the kitty?
[bawling stops]
[Niffty] Yeah.
[Husk] The fuck is this?
She's wasted.
Just go with it.
Re-really?! Ugh, get the--
Ahhh, hey, wow!
Hey, so...
I see the club has a sex room.
So, I was thinking, maybe you'd want to, uhm...
do ... a sex with me?
[snort]
I'm sorry, why would we have sex?
Uh... uh... Um...
because I'm having sex with everyone here!
[cheering]
[Pentious] Wait.
Get in here.
[door slams]
You know, we can do this fucking shit every fucking night.
You don't have to spend all your off hours
"working on yourself," you little bitch.
The hotel isn't a problem in his life, it's--
[Angel] Valentino.
Exactly.
So why don't you--
No... Valentino.
Yeah, I'm here all the time, they know me.
You're gorgeous... do you need a job?
How many dicks can you suck?
[Valentino] Ooh, I could make you a star.
[Angel] Let's get the fuck outta here. Ok.
- Come on-- - [Valentino] Yeah, a star.
Where's Niffty?
[Valentino] Porn star.
Okay, yup, bring me another drink
or I'll fucking kill you.
[Nifty] Bad boy. Hehehehe.
[Valentino] I said I'll fucking kill you!
Excuse me.
- Pardon me. - [Valentino] And I will.
Get out of my way.
[Valentino] Holy shit, Angel Dust?
What are you doing here, baby?
You didn't get enough dick today?
Funny.
Who's this chiquita?
You bringing me fresh meat?
[Valentino] Oi!
I just want a taste.
Ehh, weird, but there's a kink for that, I'm sure!
[Angel] Fuck off, Val.
Excuse me?
I said fuck off!
I may have to put up with your bullshit,
but you ain't fucking with any of my friends.
You forget who you're talking to?
I own you, bitch.
Yeah, you do, in the studio,
and you can do anything you want to me there,
just like our deal says.
But out here, I get to do what I want.
So once again,
fuck off!
- [Angel coughs and splutters] - Enjoy the rest of your night, bitch,
- [Angel breathes deeply] - [Valentino] because I'm going to enjoy
making you pay for it tomorrow.
- [sinister music] - [Cherri] Fucking dickhead.
Fuck it.
It was worth it.
[Husk] Way to go, kid.
Ow! What the fuck?!
[Niffty chuckles] For my collection. Hehe.
Wait up, guys!
Did you just call these cunts your friends?
Thought that was my job.
There's room for everyone,
[emotive music] and ya know...
you could come crash with us too.
Okay, look, Angie,
I'm glad this hotel shit is workin' for you,
but you know me, bitch,
I'm doin' just fine.
In fact, I'm gonna fuck the next guy I see, okay?
But, if you need me,
you know where to find me, yeah?
[Pentious] [panting]
Is Cherri still here?...
[door slams]
Dammit!
[Charlie] See! He did everything on your checklist!
He was selfless,
he stopped Nifty from stealing,
and he stuck it to that moth man!
[Adam] Uhhh... Well, uh...
Then, then why isn't he here then? Hm?
Yeah, why isn't he here?
[murmuring]
[Charlie] Wait,
none of you know what gets someone into Heaven?
[Sera] This questioning stops now.
We know when a soul arrives.
We know when they pass divine judgment.
It is our job to ensure
these souls are safe.
[Light music] [Emily] ♪ But she was right, Sera ♪
♪ She showed us a soul can improve ♪
♪ He saw the light, Sera ♪
♪ Checked all the boxes that you said would ♪
♪ Prove a person deserves a second chance ♪
♪ Now we turn our backs, no second glance? ♪
[Sera] ♪ It's not as simple as you think ♪
♪ Not everything is spelled in ink ♪
[song builds] [Charlie] ♪ It's not fair, Sera ♪
[Vaggie] ♪ Careful Charlie keep a cool head ♪
♪ No! Don't you care, Sera? ♪
♪ That just because someone is dead ♪
♪ It doesn't mean they can't resolve to change their ways ♪
♪ Turn the page ♪
♪ Escape infernal blaze ♪
[Sera] ♪ I'm sure you wish it could be so ♪
♪ But there's a lot that you don't know ♪
[music gets more intense] [Lute] ♪ What are we even talking about? ♪
♪ Some crack-whore who fucked up already ♪
♪ He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth ♪
♪ This discussion is senseless and petty ♪
[Lute and Adam together] ♪ There's no question to be posed ♪
♪ He's unholy, case closed ♪
♪ Did you forget that "Hell is forever"? ♪
[Adam] ♪ A man only lives once ♪
♪ We'll see you in one month ♪
♪ Gotta say, I can't wait to-- ♪
[Sera] Adam...
♪ Come down and exterminate you! ♪
- [Emily] ♪ Wait! ♪ - Adam] ♪ Shit ♪
[Emily] ♪ What are you saying? ♪
♪ Let me get this straight ♪
♪ You go down there and kill those poor souls ♪
- [Charlie] ♪ You didn't know? ♪ - [Adam] ♪ Whoops! ♪
[Lute] ♪ Guess the cat's out of the bag ♪
♪ What's the big deal? ♪
♪ Sera, tell me that you didn't know ♪
[Sera] ♪ I thought since I'm older ♪
♪ It's my load to shoulder ♪
- [Emily] No. - [Sera] ♪ You have to listen ♪
♪ It was such a hard decision ♪
♪ I wanted to save you the anguish it takes to ♪
♪ Do what was required ♪
♪ To think that I admired you ♪
♪ Well, I don't need your condescension ♪
♪ I'm not a child to protect ♪
♪ Was talk of virtue just pretension? ♪
♪ Was I too naive to expect you ♪
♪ To heed the morals your purveying? ♪
[Charlie] ♪ That's what the fuck I've been saying! ♪
[Charlie and Emily] ♪ If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie-- ♪
[Sera] Emily!
♪ If angels can do whatever and remain in the sky ♪
♪ The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say ♪
♪ When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again ♪
[downbeat melodic singing] ♪ I was told not to trust in angels ♪
[Adam] ♪ By her ♪
[Lute] ♪ Hah, she should know ♪
We should go.
♪ No! Don't you see? ♪
♪ We've come so close ♪
♪ Look at them fighting ♪
♪ They're at each other's throats ♪
[Adam] ♪ Don't you act all high and mighty ♪
♪ Did you ever think your little girlfriend might be a liar? ♪
[Vaggie gently] ♪ Don't, Adam, please! ♪
[Adam] ♪ What's the fuss? ♪
♪ Why hide the fact that you're an angel ♪
♪ Just like us? ♪
[Epic music stings]
[sinister sting]
[Sera sighs and breathes deeply]
I'm sorry... but this court finds that
there is no evidence souls in Hell can be redeemed.
[Adam] Oh, fuck yes! I win.
Suck it, bitches.
You better save the date cunts,
because we're coming to your hotel...
first! [sinister music builds]
[Charlie gasps] What? No, no, you can't--
[Vaggie] Oh, you motherfu-- [both scream]
[Emily] Charlie! Don't give up on this!
I'll figure something out. I promise.
[Sera] That wasn't uncalled for, Adam.
Yeah, but did you see the looks on their fucking faces? It was...
Ahem... sorry.
[Emily] Extermination... of human souls.
Demon or not, there is no reason to be doing this.
[Sera] They were uprising, Emily.
It is my position as the Head Seraphim
to protect our people at all costs,
and it's your position
to keep them happy and joyful.
[Emily] How can I bring joy when I now know
we are bringing misery to thousands of innocent people?
Heaven needs us, Emily.
Everyone looks to us
and we can't doubt ourselves or worry
about the fates of demons
when we have our own souls to protect.
Please, if you start to question,
you could end up like Lucifer: Fallen.
I couldn't bear to see you suffer that fate.
So please, let me worry about this, okay?
[kisses lightly]
I'm sorry.
[end credit music]