Shh! I didn't say anything.
Stop talking. That's talking.
You think she's asleep yet? I'm on the same side of the door as you are.
Stop talking. Cam.
Lily lost her first tooth today,
and she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy.
When I had my first loose tooth-
[ Mouths Word ] my mama tied one end of a string to it...
and the other to the tail of a Guernsey cow-
[ Mouths Word ] fired off a 12-gauge shotgun,
and the cow went runnin' out of the room. That never happened.
Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall.
Shh.
- Gotcha! - [ Cameron ] Oh!
What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy.
N-No. But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet.
No. She sure is taking her sweet time.
Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie, 'cause it could take a while.
[ Sighs ] I've got nowhere to be.
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey♪ ♪
Mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
- So sad what passes for a date in your life. - Haley.
He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments.
He wants me to act like a nurse.
Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.
Luke! Okay, before you say no-
No. You haven't even seen it yet.
Mmm, I'm sticking with "no." It's for Luke's Career Day.
I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body.
- [ All ] Ew! - [ Phil ] Ew. I just heard it too.
How come you guys never had a career day?
Cutbacks. Nor'easter.
Today I get to talk about the love of my life.
Residential real estate.
He really doesn't hear it. I wanna make Luke proud.
I wanna be his hero like my dad was...
when he talked to my class about running a grocery store.
He came in with two price guns in holsters...
and marked our teacher at $1.29 before she knew what hit her.
I bet that produced a lot of laughs.
Claire, please. [ Chuckles ]
And Olivia Berman's mom works in the rare books department at the library.
Hope I get a chance to pick that brain.
Looks like you got quite the Career Day lineup.
So I guess they already got a closet guy coming in, huh?
No. I didn't think you'd wanna do it.
I don't, but I just feel bad for the kids.
A lot of interesting stories in the closet biz.
Oh. Why have you never told us any?
Okay. Well, for example, there was this guy.
Must have had over 100 hats. Yes?
And we had to fit them in the closet.
Okay.
And we did.
All right. Maybe it's not the most exciting career in the world, but it pays the bills.
No one is complaining. Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes.
But I had to make ends meet. What other things?
I always wanted to write thrillers.
Like that hat story? Spy thrillers.
I've been kicking around this character,
C.I.A. agent Chuck Stone, who doesn't care...
how much his antics annoy the brass in Arlington.
- Why didn't you ever try it? - I was busy with work and family.
I was gonna start writing after my divorce,
but, you know, life got in the way.
Why do you point at me when you say "life"? Am I "life"?
I meant you keep me busy. You had a three-hour nap on Sunday.
I was tired. From what?
Your two-hour nap on Saturday?
Jay, I've been with you for five years,
and I've never heard you mention anything about writing.
Hey, I bought a typewriter.
A typewriter?
[ Gasps ] When is your book signing?
1975?
It's a hell of a character.
They taught him how to kill, but he never learned to love.
No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Okay.
Daddies! Daddies! The tooth fairy came.
What? No way! Oh, that's so exciting!
- What'd she bring you? - Well-
Oh! Fairy dust. Ah.
Nice touch. My gosh, it's a lot.
- Uh-huh. - Some stickers.
Oh! Ah!
- A toothbrush. - [ Both ] Ooh!
And a hundred dollar bill!
What? Come on. Okay. Wow! Look at that.
I love the tooth fairy.
The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100.
Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is five at the most?
Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy had too much chardonnay last night.
I think the tooth fairy can handle the chardonnay.
What I don't think she can handle is criticizing someone...
who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night.
I'm gonna put this in my clutch.
I can't wait to tell everyone at school.
[ Mitchell Mutters ]
Okay, we cannot be the parents of a six-year-old...
who gets a hundred dollars from the tooth fairy.
It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch.
You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly,
and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
Can't have this argument again!
Thank you, Dr. Ann, for showing us how exciting and surprising...
a real live therapy session can be.
I will hold on to this card. [ Chuckles ]
Next up, we have Luke's dad, Mr. Dunphy.
Hey. [ Chuckles ]
Thank you. [ Chuckles ] Mm-hmm.
Guess what. I've been in your house when you weren't home.
And yours. And yours.
No, I'm not a burglar. [ Laughs ] I'm a Realtor.
Hey-oh! Hey, sorry I'm late!
I just sold another mansion. [ Laughs ]
How you doin', honey?
[Phil] History is full of great rivalries.
Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding,
Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe.
In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy.
Pay attention, kids. You're about to hear from the number-four Realtor in town.
[ Laughs, Mouths Words ] [ Phil ] Anyway, uh-
I'm not gonna bore you guys with a lecture.
Instead, I'd like you to watch as I converse with a young man...
who's wondering what to do with his life.
♪ ♪ [Rock On Headphones] Hey, kid.
Hey, kid, up here! Up here!
Yo, dude! Whassup?
I'll tell you what's up. I'm interested in helping you...
by telling you all about a career in real estate.
Real estate? isn't that just buying and selling houses?
I don't have time for that. Epic fail.
[ Laughs ] Sounds like we need to start at the beginning.
You see, real estate is about people.
[Scoffs]
People? I couldn't agree more, Phil.
Best part of our job is putting the right person in the right home.
Gil. Matter of fact, last week,
I put a "Spanish" couple into a Spanish home. Gil.
A world without houses? That's cray cray.
Okay. Okay. Phil. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to screw up your little show. I know timing is critical on these things.
Gil, please. Believe me, the last thing I-
Wow! You sold a house to the Channel 7 weatherman?
No. No! But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.
[ Exclaims ] Guess what. He's not talking to you. He's talking to me.
And I have a very funny story actually.
[Laughs] A guy walks into-No.
That's hilarious. No! I haven't told it!
Okay, um-Oh!
Uh-Great throw. You were right.
It is in my court. Ball's in your court!
And guess what. It was me the whole time.
♪ ♪ [instrumental] [ Gasps ] What?
- [ Scattered Applause ] - Come on, kids. Come on!
Give it up! Give it up! He tried.
I think we all know what you were going for.
But I'm lookin' out here, and I'm seein' some hungry kids.
Am I right? That's why I brought plenty of... Gil pickles!
Who wants a Gil pickle? Come on. Let me see 'em.
All right. Come on. Grab one.
Gil pickles.
[ Sighs ] Genius.
So much better than my Phillow cases.
- Claire wasn't a fan. - One of him in bed is more than enough.
[ Chuckles ] You hear that, ladies?
All right. Just hit "send." [ Beeps, Swooshes ]
Hey, you just sold a house! [ Laughs ]
And you're gonna be chasin' that high for the rest of your life.
Give her a round of applause, everybody. She just sold a house.
I want to thank you kids for having me here today.
And remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!
[ Laughs ] Okay. [ Chuckles ] Thank you, Mr. Thorpe.
It turns out we have a little extra time.
Uh, Mrs. Dunphy? Yes.
I'm sure the class would love to hear from you.
Oh, no. I just came in to help my husband. I'm a-
- I'm a stay-at-home mom. - I know. And that's a very important job.
It is. Uh, yeah.
I can-I can do this for a minute.
Um, stay-at-home mom.
Uh, what that means is I actually have a whole bunch of different jobs.
I am a chauffeur, a chef,
uh, a house manager, a nurse.
Is it what you always wanted to do?
No. Not exactly.
Uh, I went to college to study marketing,
and I worked at one of those big hotel companies.
But when my kids came along, I just wanted to be there.
You know, wipe their noses and change their diapers...
and tuck 'em in at night. [ Luke ] Mom!
For the record, I do all my own wiping.
- So why haven't you gone back to work? - I've done a few things lately.
I just redid a house,
and I ran for city council last year.
- You're on the city council? - No. I-I didn't win.
- You lost. - That's what "didn't win" means.
I thought I would be going back to work when the kids got older,
but it-it's not as easy as you might think.
People aren't exactly lining up to hire a woman who's almost 40...
and has been out of the job market for 15 years.
- I thought you were 42. - That's almost 40, Luke.
My mom went back to work when I was four.
- So there was no one at home to teach you not to interrupt. - Okay! Hey, hey!
- Let me tell ya something. Stay-at-home moms are heroes. - Yeah.
They're the backbone of this country. Thanks, Gil.
If I had to do that job, I'd probably drink myself to death.
Oh! Honestly.
Hey, let's give her a round of applause, everybody.
Come on! [ Scattered Applause ]
Oh, you can do better than that. Let me hear ya!
All right! All right! All right, class dismissed. Get out of here!
No! No, no, no! [ Chuckles ]
We have-Guys, we have three more hours.
Here. My old typewriter.
You said you want to write. Write.
Now? I've got a busy day.
I already called your office and told them that you can't come in...
to walk around for 20 minutes saying to everyone, "What's up, sport?"
I know this is your subtle little way of saying you don't think I can do it.
No. It's life getting out of the way.
Fine. I'm gonna take you up on your little challenge, but you should know this:
This behavior of yours is not gonna fly when you lose your looks.
Mmm!
You're gonna be long gone by then.
Hey! Dunphy. [ Mutters ]
Yeah? Oh. You okay?
I'm fine, fine. Don't let that little smart-ass bother ya, all right?
Have you seen her mother? Does not age well.
[ Chuckles ] Well, um, thanks for rescuing me in there.
And tell Phil I'm sorry if I threw him off in there.
I probably should learn just to keep my big blowhole shut.
Actually, it went a little better than it did in rehearsal, to be honest,
but I will tell him what you said. All right.
Your little meltdown in there got me thinking.
I'm building a retail office development,
and I could use a liaison to work with the planning commission.
Are you offering me a job? Well, yeah.
You know people in city hall, and you did a hell of a job on that flip.
And for the safety of you and your family, I gotta get you out of that house.
But you and Phil are competitors. It-Not on this.
Look, if this works out, everybody's gonna win,
except for that tropical fish store we're bootin' outta there. Mmm.
I don't feel bad about that at all. [ Laughs ]
Can I take a couple of days to think about it? Yeah, yeah.
Take your time. No pressure. And when you're ready, just give me a call.
Okay. Number's on the stick.
Great. Oh, yeah. Okay. Gil pickle!
See ya! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe. Thorpe. Thorpe.
Look what just came in the mail. A letter addressed to you, Lily.
- Really? I don't get much mail. - [ Mitchell ] Let's see here.
Uh, yeah. Oh, the tooth fairy.
1 Tooth Fairy Lane, Tooth City, Tooth Dakota. Mm-hmm.
I hope it's another hundred dollars.
Oh. Well, lookee there. Glitter!
[ Giggles ] I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming.
"Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money."
Oh.
"Please leave the hundred dollars under your pillow tonight,
and I'll give you a dollar.
Sorry if that bites." Oh. [ Laughs ]
Let me see that.
I can't read.
Uh, well, it sounds like she's really in a jam.
And I think we're gonna have to give the tooth fairy her hundred dollars back.
- Mm-hmm. - No! I wanna keep it.
I'm scared that she's gonna be the one taking care of us when we're older.
Yeah.
[ Typing ] [ Thinking] Chuck Stone,
6 foot 3 inches of steely-eyed determination,
sat at the interrogation table.
[ Grunts ] His mind was a blank.
[ Clicking ] A complete blank.
He literally could not think of one single, solitary thing.
Then he noticed a spot. [ Bell Dings ]
- It looked like syrup left over from breakfast- - [ Sprays ]
Which made him realize it was lunchtime.
Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich-
or B. L. T., as Chuck Stone called it-
would really hit the spot.
The secret, Chuck realized, was real mayonnaise.
Mmm. Not that healthy crap his wife kept buying for their son.
Damn it!
I mean, what's the point of t-t-t-t-t-t-t?
"Tea for two. Two for tea."
It only gets worse from here.
You can't be serious. Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!
I hate to break it to you, but you're not Batman.
Trust me. Gil is a snake, and he's found the perfect way to mess with me.
Did it ever occur to you that he was hiring me because of-I don't know-me?
Are you kidding? What's your last name?
Right now?
I'm sorry, Claire. I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto.
- Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes. - You veto me all the time.
- 'Cause you have dumb ideas. - Name one.
That went on for a while.
And let's not forget shower snacks.
I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!
[ Door Closes ] Hey, Jay. My mom said you were writing a book.
That's fantastic. Uh-huh.
By the way, Career Day was a little weird.
I think Claire's going through some pretty dark stuff, and you might want to check-
Enough chitchat. I've gotta get a character out of a bind.
- Ooh. What did he do? - He told his wife he could write a book.
Don't give up, Jay. Self-doubt is part of the process.
You can't be a good writer without being critical of your own work.
Hmm. Huh. What?
I'm racking my brain for a compliment here. I know. It stinks.
And your mom's gonna rub it in my face pretty good. Okay.
Why is Chuck Stone interrogating this guy?
He needs the codes. If he doesn't get 'em,
the International Space Station's gonna crash into Times Square on New Year's Eve.
- So he's short of time. - Got about two minutes. He's desperate.
How about this?
"Chuck Stone smiled and lit a cigarette,
as if he had all the time in the world,
when in fact, the world was about to end."
Holy crap. What happens next?
Move over. I'll type.
Some coffee would be great. Thanks.
I don't understand why we don't just go in there,
we tell her we're taking the money, and that's that.
Because this is a teaching moment, and we want her to want to give the money back.
I'm just really worried we're becoming...
those overindulgent parents right now. Don't be silly.
Okay, you ready, tooth fairy? [ Exhales ]
- Let's do this. - All right.
Lily, look who came to say hi!
[ Squeaky Voice ] It's me, the tooth fairy.
And I've come to ask you for a favor!
Are you really the tooth fairy?
Why, yes, I am. Look at my wings!
Can you fly? I wanna see you fly.
Well, I can't right now, because-Um-Well, because-
Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly-[ Whimpers ]
Because she made a mistake that only you can make better.
Is this about the money again?
Well, yes, it is.
I need enough for all the other children's tooths.
Teeth. Wait a minute.
You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley.
No! I am the tooth fairy!
Look! Fairy dust!
There's that glitter.
Why did you lie? You said lying was wrong.
We also said that when someone is in trouble, you help them.
How do I know you weren't lying?
She is good. All right, Lily, this is ridiculous.
All right, the tooth fairy has made a mistake.
You need to put the $100 under the pillow, and that is the end of the story.
Because you believe it's the right thing to do, don't you? Yes.
But I wanna buy a scooter.
That's what I'd do.
I mean, who cares what Santa thinks, right?
Santa? Well, he sees everything,
and this will probably put you on the "naughty" list.
But who needs presents every year?
You've got a hundred dollars.
You can ride around that empty Christmas tree until you're an old lady.
Can I have some time to think about it?
You don't need any- Of course, sweetie.
Yeah. Okay.
Haley? Okay, that was brilliant.
Thanks. Oh, also, can I borrow this?
- Why? - I'd rather not say.
You know, after I put on the wig,
I just-I felt like the character.
[ Phone Rings ] Hang on.
Yello? [ Gil] Quick question. Am I talking to live Phil...
or video Phil? [Laughs]
What do you want, Gil? I just wanna make sure it's okay that your wife calls me boss.
Good-bye. Oh, hold on. Hold on.
I'm just messing with ya. Although I do think your wife's gonna enjoy being under me.
My son is in the car. Hey, superstar! What's up?
Listen, any time you wanna swing by the beach house, I'll be glad to show ya...
how to throw a tight spiral like I did at Texas Tech-booyah!
Tommy! He already knows how to throw.
Yeah, my gay uncle Cam taught me. I got this.
This was between us. You don't bring family into it.
Low blow getting Claire's hopes up.
Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up. This is a real job with real bennies.
One of which is I get to tell you what I'm thinking...
whenever she leans over my desk!
[ Cackles]
Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this! Uh!
Later, Dunphbags! [ Beeps ]
What a jerk. You know what?
We're gonna tell your mom before she goes into business with this guy-
He's Gilty of being a Thorpe in my side.
Trying too hard. Yeah.
- [ Typing ] - [ Gloria ] Hello!
Move! Ow!
You're fine.
So?
How was your first day of writing?
Gloria, shh! Let me finish one thought.
Got it.
So you actually wrote something?
It was slow going at first, but then the juices started flowing.
May I? Sure. Uh, if it helps, picture Tom Berenger.
I always do.
[ Mutters ] What?
It's just this-This first sentence is a bit long.
Long or dynamic?
No, long and confusing. I can't tell who's talking.
Maybe that's just to mimic the fog of battle.
- Oh, okay. - [ Mouths Word ]
- Hmph. - What now?
Just that... there were no cell phones in 1965.
That's a mistake. I'm changing that. You can't change that.
It comes back in the end- I-I presume.
The point is, I can write.
I probably won't pursue it, but it's a viable career option.
The C.I.A. had all sorts of top secret technology.
Who's to say they didn't have cell phones?
Manny, let it go.
And this Chuck Stone-He doesn't seem very good at his job.
He's flawed. That's what makes the character interesting.
If you want someone perfect, put in a robot.
[ Gasps ] A robot! I like a robot.
No! You're not putting a robot in my story. That's right-my story.
You must be very happy.
I would be, but life got in the way. [ Chuckles ]
[ Mouths Word ] [ Footsteps Receding ]
- What are you doing? - I just got out my old briefcase.
It's still capable of doing the job, just like me.
Claire, you have to understand something.
You have to understand something.
I walked around all day on cloud nine because somebody valued me.
I value you. We all value you.
I know. Of course you do,
because I cook and I clean and I pick up dirty underwear.
No, honey, it's different than that.
I have been on the sidelines for so long,
I didn't know if anybody would ever think I have what it takes again.
I know. Gil's not the greatest guy, but this is important.
- And I think- - I think you should take the job.
But, Dad-No, Luke. She's right.
Your mom's gonna be amazing at this.
[ Claire ] Mmm!
- I retract my veto. - You never had a veto.
- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.
And that went on for a while.
- Lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt. - It's the perfect structure.
I have to go take the shoulder pads out of all my old suits.
You know he's gonna keep teasing you.
If it makes your mom happy, I can handle a few phone calls.
[ Cell Phone Chimes ]
And texts. Wow!
What does it say? [ Voice Breaks ] Nothing I can't handle.
[Manny] "We all weave a web of lies.
Some we tell to try to help the ones we love.
Some we tell to try to fool ourselves.
And some we tell because,
when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a Kalashnikov,
the only weapon you've got left is guile."
She's nuts. That's fantastic. [ Sighs ]
Okay, guys, bring it in!
Let's get this place shipshape before she gets home.
I'm sure she had a big first day. Haley, I'm putting you on laundry.
Alex, kitchen and vacuum. Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom.
- [ Scoffs ] Why me? - Because you always mess it up.
Yeah, why can't you pee straight?
Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back. Okay, guys.
Team Dunphy on three.
One, two-That's right. We got a lot to do!
Honey, what are you doing home so early?
I quit. That man is a complete pig.
He treated me like a servant and showed me absolutely no respect.
I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that.
I do. [ Sighs ] Oh!
So what's for dinner?
I feel like you heard me wrong. I said, "What's for dinner?"
I heard you!