BELL RINGS Cashier number 3, please.
He's left his candle.
Bollocks!
BEEP Mr Lomax, it's Michael Fry.
Social services sent me.
Hello?
Mr Lomax?
Hello?
Get your claw out of my Holy of Holies!
'Big push for me, Emma.'
'Come on now.'
'Right, push. OK, here's baby's head.
'Breathe!'
And I'll pause it there, as some of the dads are looking a little bit green around the gills!
I actually prefer this video
because unlike some of the others it shows the sheer bloody pain of it!
And as I always say, you gotta split the pod to get the peas out.
I won't be showing you the rest of this now.
There are copies available both on video and DBB, X certificate.
But I ask you not to fast forward through the contractions, please,
because after all, you can't do that in real life.
So anyway, after hours and hours and hours of screaming agony,
this is what you get.
Here he is.
This is Freddy. How do you know it's a boy?
Because he's my little Freddy and that's what I wanted.
So, when you go to pick up baby,
it is most important that you support the head, like thus.
And cradle him into the crook of your arm,
being very careful with the top of his head,
because this area here is what we call soft spot.
The fontanelle. What's that, Miriam?
Oh, my name's Kate.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Dr Miriam Stoppard.
So if you'd all like to help yourself to a dolly from the baby box.
Dad, would you like to hand them out?
And then we can take it in turns holding the baby
and practice putting on one of these new, fangled modern nappies.
There!
We've run out. Use this one.
ARGH! NO! Don't touch him!
I'm bleeding! And he might have brain damage.
What did I just tell you about supporting the head?
Poor little mite. Come on, Freddy. There, there.
It's only a doll.
Not for much longer. Not for much longer. Sssh.
Hello there! Do you need a hand?
Are you trying to be funny?
Er... I can manage. Thank you.
Trevor. Mr Jolly's here.
Jelly. What?
Jelly. I'm Mr Jelly!
Totally different act. Oh.
Wanted him, didn't you? Mr Jolly.
This is always happening to me.
Why can't people read?
It doesn't matter. You're still a children's entertainer, aren't you? No, I'm Dr Harold Shipman.
Course I'm a fucking children's entertainer! What do you think this is, a tattoo?
Well, we were hoping for a Princess Party. Is that something...? I've got one act and one act only!
Mr Jelly and his Hundred Hands.
There's not actually 100. There's 16. They're all in that bag.
Kids never count them, they're all too thick. I do balloons, magic, bubbles, stories.
Princess stories? Can do, if the princess has hooks instead of hands.
I need a sturdy table, pair of pliers and WD40.
That sounds a bit dangerous around the chil... I'm not spraying it on them!
I'm spraying it on these. You don't get THAT with Mr Jolly!
Thank you.
Where am I going?
Shit, you made me jump, man!
They sent me to read to you or something.
I'll be the judge of that.
I know all about you, Michael Fry.
Little tealeaf, aren't you?
What was it, you get caught with your fingers in the pick and mix? Something like that.
So it was either this or digging up roads, was it?
You're not daft, are you?
Well, I got caught, so... Here, have a plum.
No, you're all right, thanks.
I bet they're off now, aren't they? Yeah, a little bit. Thought they tasted a bit sharp.
Bin still here, is it?
No, it's...
I'll do it. It's that blackie cleaner. She tries to trick me.
You can't make head nor tail of her.
Did they tell you what your duties are?
They said I had to read to you, do your paperwork.
And the rest!
Do you like Tony Hancock?
Dunno who he is, bruv. Good. That's what I told them.
I don't want his name mentioned in this house again.
Not after what he did to Sid James.
Sit down.
There's some letters here. Want me to read them?
Is there anything from NASA? Erm...no. NatWest?
Damn! They won't be told!
How many more lives must they gamble with
before they listen?
Go on then, how much have I got?
£2,576,319.
Pence? Four.
Good.
Lot of money, in't it, Tealeaf?
I bet you're wondering how I came by it.
Let's just say I deal in certain commodities.
Very valuable commodities.
Are you not going to ask me what commodities? What commodities?
I'm not telling you!
None of your business.
Read the next one.
It's a Father's Day card... BIN IT!
IN WITH THE PLUMS! Next.
There's a funny looking one here,
with some black stuff at the back. Looks like someone might have died.
Exciting! Go on then. Open it up.
Who is it? What does it say? No writing, just bumps. Let me see, let me see.
What is it?
It's them.
And the fairy sent down some wishes for the princess. There we go, look!
You can catch them, look. See if you can catch a fairy wish.
He-he! Now then,
let's have another look in Mr Jelly's box of a Hundred Hands.
It's not 100.
(Oh, yeah, how many is it then?) 11.
(No. 16. So stop spoiling it.)
Right then! I've got a special hand here for a special person!
Hold your breaths.
Now then, where's the birthday princess?
Come on. Don't be ashamed!
That's it, sit here.
We're going to give you a princess makeover. Get rid of that.
We're gonna start by combing your hair.
Did you know that a princess has to comb her hair 50 times every night?
Ow! Yours is all knotted. Does your mummy not wash your hair?
Ow, you're hurting me. No, I'm not.
Stop hopping about! I'm gonna do your make up, you have to keep still.
I did this on one little girl and it turned out that she was allergic,
and her eye came up like a red egg.
You wouldn't want that on your birthday, would you?
Right then.
That's it. Keep still! All right. That's enough.
What about the mascara? Leave now, please. What's the matter? She doesn't like it.
So you're discriminating against me because I'm disabled.
That's nice, in a room full of kids. What message are you sending them? Trevor, call Mr Jolly.
"Oh, yes, Trevor, call Mr Jolly. Everyone loves Mr Jolly.
"Mr Jolly will make everything all right(!)"
I'll tell you about your precious Mr Jolly. Want to know a secret, kids?
Mr Jolly was responsible...
for this!
Red raw stump! Red raw stump!
Get off!
You...son of a bitch!
Urgh!
I still want paying!
Here. Cash in hand!
They said it was down here.
Could it be any further from the stage?
Right, here we go. We're in here.
All in here? Yeah, all seven of us. Cheap bastards.
No privacy for me then. Look how high that mirror is. That's handy(!)
Bloody hell. Look, and the costume rail. That's a chair job!
It stinks in here!
It's gonna stink even more in a minute.
Why?
Eeeugh! Oh!
Crack open those tins. Let's start as we mean to go on. Lovely.
Hiya, Robert. Hi, Kerry.
Here he is, last of the red hot lovers!
I've got the post. A few good luck cards.
Has anyone seen Debbie? Here we go!
She's got some post. I'll just go and give it to her.
Yeah, you go and give it to her!
Yeah, both inches! LAUGHTER
It's not like that! What's it like, then? Like this?
Woo-hoo!
Come on, guys. Leave him alone.
"Oh, Debbie, Debbie.
"I've got some post. Can I put it in your slot?"
Stop it!
Stop it! STOP IT!
I'll just take these to Debbie.
See you later. Bloody hell!
OK, next. Where was the location of the double event?
Mitre Square.
Yeah, and what was the name of Jack's third victim? Elizabeth Stride.
Correct. Also known as Long Liz.
Yeah. And what part of her face did they never...?
Her nose. Yeah.
Very good, David. That's enough then.
I wanna do John George Haigh.
Which was he? Acid bath murderer.
Oh, no. I've got indigestion, David. I want it. No! We'll do it tomorrow.
Go and get a dustpan and brush. I've got half your back between me legs.
What time do you have to be at work?
Seven. Christie had seven victims.
Yeah, we've given that over now, David.
I'm really proud of you, getting this little job at the restaurant.
What is it you do again. Are you a waiter? Butler.
Ooh, sounds posh.
Well, as long as you're happy.
I don't know why they didn't want you at that swimming pool.
Kids said I was scary. You're not scary! You're my little David.
They called me the Gruffalo. I know they did, little bastards.
"His eyes are orange, his tongue is black, he has purple prickles all over his back."
Well, you haven't anymore. It's white as a sheet that back now.
So you're quite happy at work then, David?
Nothing you want to tell me? You sure?
Good. Because we wouldn't want to have to move again would we?
Another midnight flit.
Pardon? Nothing. Come and give your mummy a kiss.
Right, tuck yourself in.
Here, I'll do it.
Right, there you go.
I'm going to have half-an-hour on me Bontempi.
Bye, love. Yeah, bye bye, yeah, bye, yeah, bye.
Hi, Debbie, what do you think?
We just need your approval on this.
Thank you.
Debbie? Debbie!
Which one is that?
It's me, Robert.
Blusher.
Oh, hi, darling! How's your dressing room, because mine is tiny.
It's all right, I wanted to give you these, they were at the stage door. Oh, that's sweet of you, thanks.
Oh, there's one here for you!
Oh, thanks.
Also, Debbie, I was wondering what you're up to later because
there's an Italian restaurant nearby that looks good. I love Italians...
and the food!
Yes, so do I...
..and I was wondering if you'd like to go out for a meal.
Can we clear the stage? Yeah, sounds great. I'll tell Brian.
But I think we should keep it to just the actors, I don't want to end up sitting next to someone from wigs.
No...I meant...just me and you.
Can we clear the stage! OK, yeah.
Really?!
Yeah...yeah, that's great.
We'll sort it out later, I just have to... What?
..think about things.
OK.
See you later, Debbie. Thanks!
"Today's financial results.
"CV: 9%.
"7.38%...
BORED SIGH "..gross yield."
Uh...then there's a graph with a load of numbers and dates and that.
What numbers?! What dates?!
Erm, just October, November, that sort of thing.
I've got to get going now, I was meant to finish at five.
All right, Tealeaf.
Fold the page down you can do it tomorrow.
Take me to the front door.
Check that door's locked will you?
My holy of holies.
Yep. All locked.
Good.
See that picture there?
Very valuable that.
Your predecessor loved that painting.
And that vase.
I bet Aspel'd love to get his claws on that vase.
Not for sale, Aspel, not for sale!
Right, well, same time tomorrow then?
10 o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, Tealeaf.
You can get to grips with that graph.
OK, see you tomorrow, bruv.
Ha! Not if I see you first!
Not if I see you first!
KNOCKING Hello?
Hiya, Brian, can I come in?
Hello, Robert, what can I do for you? I need to speak to you. I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Well, if it's about the dressing room situation I can't do anything about it. The frocks need space.
No, it's not that, it's personal.
You see, me and Debbie are going out tonight on our first date.
Congratulations! You bagged Snow White. I bet the others are miffed.
I'm not going to tell them. You see, I've got this letter in the post.
Nice paper. Who's it from?
That's the point, I've no idea.
"I know what you did."
What's it mean? What did you do?
All I can think of is...when I was young, I did a silly thing.
I needed the money.
Not dwarf porn?
How did you know? I'm a woman of the world, remember!
I have instincts. I wonder if I've seen it... what was it called?
Whore White and the Seven Dicks.
I played Stiffy. Not Bashful then!
I'm scared one of the others knows about it and is trying to spoil things between me and Debbie.
Robert, you're being paranoid. This is nothing.
I had death threats as Mother Goose, and it wasn't golden eggs
I was laying, I can tell you! But if Debbie were to find out...
She won't find out. Like you say, it was years ago.
Take my advice, go out tonight with Debbie, have a nice time
and forget all about this.
I will.
Thanks, Brian. Good. Now pass me my left tit, will you?
But WHO would want to poison Lord Foppington?
It seems like somebody has a grudge against the Foppington family
or my name ain't Trixie Van Diamond!
Well, in that case aren't we jolly lucky to have a room
full of renowned amateur detectives with us here tonight.
So if you'd all like to gather up your clue packs and pencils,
we shall go and interrogate Miss Tipsy, the cook.
SHRIEK Oh, my Lord! What was that?
It sounded like it came from the kitchen!
SLURRED: COLONEL BLUSTER, COME QUICK THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER MURDER!
What was that, Carruthers? Could you repeat that?
SLURRED: COLONEL BLUSTER, COME QUICK THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER MURDER!
I think he's trying to tell us that there's been another murder.
Mmm!
Quick, everyone! To the kitchen! And don't forget your clue packs.
Come... come, look. Look at it.
HORRIFIED GASPS
See! The murderer has written "Fuck Pig"
using his - or her - own excrement. Could be a clue!
David! What have you done?
The victim has been disembowelled.
See the entrails hanging down. Hurry up, I'm getting dizzy.
Shuddup! Look at this! This is semen!
All over the floor!
And this, covered in the victim's blood.
David! Stop it now! But the murderer is still at large! STOP IT!
What did I tell you? A mistake!
I'll deal with it, thank you, Robin.
Can someone get me down, me legs are numb!
David, go home. We gave you a chance but it isn't working out.
She did it. She's the murderer.
Oh, Please! I...I...
I don't have a motive... What's my motive?
Oh, don't, Cheryl. He's ruined it.
Don't bother coming back!
This is not my last murder.
Shall we skip to the coffee?
Now then.
Let's get you in here. Get those straps off.
Make you a nice warm bockie of milk.
Are you going to be good for Mummy? George?
Are you up there? Coming!
I was just setting up the teasmade for the morning.
There you go. There.
What a day!
What a day.
The morning group are all right but the afternoon lot,
it's like getting blood out of a stone.
Isn't it, my little angel? Isn't it, my little Freddy Fruitcake?
I'm gonna warm his bockie.
I think he might have dirtied himself, George.
Daddy change it.
Daddy change Freddy's nap-nap.
I got your letter, Jolly!
And I know what you did too!
Congratulations, Tealeaf.
I knew you'd be the one.
Robert, don't! Robert!
Jesus Christ!
What the f...?
Sorry, Mum.
I did a bad murder.
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