Let's just say I deal in certain commodities.
Do you want to know a secret, kids? Mr Jolly was responsible for this!
I was wondering if you'd like to go out for a meal? Yeah.
Here he is, last of the Red-Hot Lovers. Stop it! Stop it!
What is it you do again? Are you a waiter?
What, love?
And this, covered in the victim's blood. David, stop it now!
Someone get me down. My legs are numb.
Sorry, Mum, I did a bad murder.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Excuse me? Look.
I've got a baby, see.
Thank you. Yes.
Lovely. Thank you.
That's better, isn't it, Freddy?
# The wheels on the bus go round and round
# Round and round round and round
# The wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. #
Nine across is "you".
"Small, round vegetable"?
Mr Lomax?
It's Michael. I have come to read to ya.
Mr Lomax?
Gotcha!
HE LAUGHS
You thought it was me sat there, didn't you? Didn't you?
You have to keep them on their toes, you see, Tea Leaf.
You won't steal from me that easily.
No, not when they see me sitting in my chair, bold as brass.
Right, come on, then.
I want to get you acquainted with my holy of holies.
You got a lot of toys, bruv.
They're not toys.
They're commodities.
See this?
Seaweed the Octopus.
First generation, mint condition and from a smoke-free home.
200.
This one, just the same, only he's got seven legs.
Seven legs, Tea Leaf, a rarity!
Sold one to a doctor in Malta for 4,000.
I've got them all.
All pristine, tagged and odour free.
Never been touched, never been played with.
Just like you, eh, Tea Leaf?
Are you pristine? Hmm?
Or are you played with?
That's none of your business. 'Tis my business! 'Tis my business!
Want to come and work for me, touch my commodities, your clothes stinking of young girls?
No, Tea Leaf, no.
No girls, no smoking, and no meat pies.
What about pasties?
No pasties neither.
This whole collection has taken me years to amass.
It's worth more than you could dream of.
But if it were complete...
if it were complete...
there wouldn't be a collection like it in the world.
How many more toy...
commodities do you need?
Just the one, Tea Leaf.
And you are going to help me find him.
PHONE RINGS
'Hello, this is David and Maureen, his mum.
'Please leave a message after the beeping sound. Thank you. '
BEEP
'David, you ki... '
Hello? We're in. I was just spending a penny.
Is David there, please?
David? No, he's still in bed, love. Want to leave a message?
'Er, yes, you... '
Hang on, let me grab a biro.
'Never bloody one around when you need one. All right, go on, you what?'
'You killed... ' Doesn't bloody work.
David chews them. He's worse than a dog!
You... killed... her.
Hello?
'Hello?' All right, you what?
Oh, forget it!
Shall I tell him who called?
DIALLING TONE
'Paging Dr Phillips. Dr Phillips to haematology, please. '
Morning, Jo. Morning, Nicola. You've got your hands full there.
You look like you're the old woman who lived in the shoe! Hey, less of the old!
I can take this one back. No, that's all right.
It's no bother cos I'm going to the storeroom anyway.
He doesn't live in the store room.
I know. Looks like he should be in the bin by the state of him!
Don't you dare!
You really shouldn't comment on things you know nothing about!
Jesus, Joy.
Can you see him?
Yep.
He's the one.
Snappy the Crocodile.
Only 100 ever produced. Exclusive for the Japanese market.
But the plane that was taking them there crashed.
99 Snappies sank to the bottom of the ocean and ended up as fish guts,
but miracle of miracles, one survived.
Washed up on an island near Fiji.
Of course I went over there but they beat me to it, didn't they?
They already had their claws all over him.
Who? Josie and Kelly Sue Crabtree! Who do you think?!
The witches of eBay.
Oh, I begged them, Tea Leaf, I'm not too proud to say it, begged.
And eventually, they agreed to sell,
but within a year I'd lost him.
Shit. Someone's got him on eBay for 48p?
I know. Unbelievable.
When I think of the price I paid.
Why, what did it cost you?
These eyes, Tea Leaf.
These two eyes.
David, I made you a brew.
Where do you want it?
Next to the lamp.
What are you reading?
Ripper.
Jack or Yorkshire?
Jack.
Oh, hey, you've had a phone call, right deep voice.
Graham!
Graham? From work?
What did he want?
And why is there blood all over these clothes?
Ask Graham!
LETTER BOX RATTLES
So, Debbie, you'll enter on your usual spot, downstage right.
Didn't I enter the other side before?
Goodies stage right, baddies stage left.
Right, now, where are my dwarfs? There. Come along, in a line.
Hurry up, less of that, here we go, splendid.
Let's get you in height order from smallest to... least small.
Right, now, I want you to enter from over here in a zigzag,
humming "Hi-ho". So here we go.
HE HUMS "HI-HO"
Now, Bashful? Where's Bashful? It's Blusher.
I forgot. We can't use the Disney names.
Isn't it fucking ridiculous? How can you copyright the word "happy?"
Anyway, Flusher, Blusher, whatever, I want you to suddenly stop
and you to bump into him, you to bump into him, you bump into him...
and then you all fall down, boom, boom, boom. Right. Let's see that.
Here we go. And...
HE HUMS "HI-HO"
That's it, nice big smiles. Wave to the audience, gorgeous, lovely.
Fabulous! You see, as an audience, we are on your side already
because we've seen you humiliated, for want of a better word.
Chris? Box? Oh, yes, I've got to go and look at a glass coffin.
So take five and we'll pick it up here later.
I see Dirk Diggler's on his back again. Leave it, Brian.
I can't believe he used to do porn films!
THEY LAUGH
I checked out your CV, Robert.
Rumpled Foreskin, Goldie Pubes, Wood In The Babes.
Ignore them, Robert, they're only jealous.
I can stick up for myself, thanks.
Yeah, so we've heard!
Sorry, I just thought...
Are you all right, Robert?
Fine. Oh, you seem a bit low.
I just wanted to ask if we're still on for tonight. What?
You offered to take me out for a meal. I didn't think you was interested.
Debbie, we're all going for a Chinese tonight, a big company meal. Cast only, no wiggies.
You are coming, aren't you?
No, Brian, I'm going out with Robert.
Brilliant.
Take that, and that, and that!
That'll teach you to steal my sausages.
Oh, Mr Punch, what's going on?
That naughty ghost was stealing my sausages!
They're not real sausages.
I told you to look after the baby.
They're not real sausages.
If you'd waited for Mr Jelly, you'd have got real sausages!
Maybe we can have them for tea, boys and girls!
That would be just like you, wouldn't it, Jolly? Steal my act.
Steal my sausages.
Who is it?
"Who is it? Who is it?" It's me, Mr Jelly!
I do Punch and Judy in this school, not him.
Hello, boys and girls, I'm a little bit sad today
cos someone's here in my spot. I know I'm a bit late but...
CHILDREN BOO
Yeah, that's it. Get rid of the disabled one, all want to see the stump, do they? Red raw stump?
Do you want to involve the police, Jelly?
Because you know the magistrate's passed a restraining order banning you from coming within 100 yards.
Yes, I'm aware of that, but they don't know, boys and girls, what he did to me.
Shall we call the policemen, boys and girls?
Yes!
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's going on 'ere then?
Who are you? I'm PC World.
That's my joke - PC World. Get your own name! Stop pointing that at me!
We have to protect ourselves, don't we, boys and girls?
I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him.
You keep out, Mr Punch, Mr Punch, Mr Punch, Punch! Punch! Punch!
That's the way to do it! That's the way to do it!
Ugh!
'Suspect may be armed. '
Who wants a balloon?
Right, get in and don't come back. This is your last warning.
All right, all right, I'm going. I've only got one hand, you know.
ENGINE STARTS
How come no-one else is bidding on it?
25 million things for sale on eBay, Tea Leaf.
You've got to know where to look.
You see the listing? "Toy Aligater?" Spelt wrong.
Probably a kid having a clear out.
That's how I found Humps the Kamell, a K and two Ls.
How long before the auction closes?
Three hours and 12 minutes.
I can't wait to see their faces.
I've got another bid on those Tweenies videos. How much?
86p. Show me.
Keep your eye on it.
I'm going to put another bid in on them ribbons.
What's the story with them?
Dunno. Nine green ribbons on at 15p. No reserve? No.
We could get £1.50- £2 for them.
I know, mugs! THEY CACKLE BEEP!
That's that David Beckham autograph sold.
Seven quid! Here we go.
Day-vid Beck-ham! Bum stink!
What? I've lost my ribbons now.
Here, I'll do it. Items closing in the next hour under £8.
Subsearch. Green.
That's it. Nine green ribbons.
Oh! Look, there's our Snappy.
48p one bidder? That's impossible.
Well, he's there.
Right in front of your eyes. What are we going to do?
I'm going to bid 50p.
No!
Bid 52.
I'm glad you came to see me Mrs Sowerbutts cos it was awful, what happened last night.
I bet it was. Can I ask what happened to the puppy?
I cut her down, cleaned her up and sent her back to East Finchley.
She'll be at peace there.
Don't call the police. Please.
If he gets put back in that place, it's two buses for me, and the taxi's a ruination.
Mrs Sowerbutts, please.
You're over-reacting. The matter is closed as far as I'm concerned.
So, what do you want to do about this?
I don't know what you mean. Come off it, I'm not thick. I know what you're after.
I never laid a finger on her. I went through all this at court.
I was...
standing behind her...
.. eating an egg salad sandwich,
when some of it accidentally splashed into her hair.
And no, I can't explain the DNA report.
If you don't leave I will call the police!
I've told you, no police.
This is blackmail. Yes, it bloody well is.
Right!
No, Graham... Put me through to the poli...
Don't cry, don't cry, my little Freddy fruitcake.
Here we go, Freddy.
Mumma get your medicine.
There we are.
SHE SINGS GENTLY
# No request is too extreme when you wish upon a star..
#.. Your dreams come true... #
Fill that up.
And nobody is none the wiser.
It all looks so good. I'm famished, I could eat a horse.
They've got buffalo, buffalo with mozzarella.
Yes...
Here we go. Something for the little one.
Can I get the wine list, please? Of course, madam.
Oh, that was nice of him.
Yeah, if you're three.
By the way, I saw your porn film, Ho' White and the Seven Dicks.
Did you? Yeah, Brian showed it to me.
He thought I'd be shocked, but I am absolutely porn mad! I love it!
I've seen most of the ones on that label - what is it? Midget gems?
Midget Gems, yeah. I think my favourite one is Horny Dumpty.
Is that the one where you buttfucked Red Riding Hood?
Yes. That's right, cos I remember this head-turn you did with this really shocked look in your eye,
and I just thought, "Wow! That is so powerful. "
It's one of the things that made me want to become an actress.
There was something really truthful about it.
I think the cleaner had just walked in on us. Oh!
I wondered if you would be more comfortable in this. I think we're fine thanks.
Would you like me to have a word with him? No, I'm used to it. I've always been looked down on.
Aww, and I bet people patronise you, don't they? A little bit.
Well, from what I've seen, you're every bit as big as any other man.
If not bigger!
I'm glad it's out in the open, cos someone knew about it and was trying to blackmail me. I got this letter.
"I know what you did. "
I already know what you did!
Exactly. I don't have to worry about it any more.
MOBILE RINGS
Is everything all right? Would he like a balloon?
Oh, fuck off!
What is it now? £2.79. Go 2.80. No, 2.89.
Let's throw caution to the wind.
Why don't you just bid 100 or 1,000 or something, scare the others off?
Never show your hand until the dying seconds, Tea Leaf.
Besides, the seller might pull the auction if he thinks it's worth something.
They've come straight back in with £3.10. £3.10?!
Jesus, no one would pay £3.10 for that - it's just a bag of beans.
It's the Crabtree sisters. I know it. What should I do?
Give me a time check.
One hour, 40 minutes and 11 seconds.
I'm sending the seller a private email. "Contact me to come to an arrangement off list. "
They just upped it to £3.29, Chelse.
Go £3.50. £3.50? Are you sure?
I'm sure.
They've gone £3.50. Bitches! Shall I go four?
Hold fire. Make them sweat a bit.
Let me know when it's the final minute.
I don't know, there are too many to choose from.
What's that one that you like? Piccalilli?
Andrei Chikatilo. That's him. What was he, stabbings? Yeah.
Not keen, Graham. Are you? HE MUTTERS
It says here, when they arrested him, they found a man's willy in his kettle!
Honestly! What are they like? HE WHIMPERS
I like strangles. Mmm.
There's one in here that used drills. Victor Perez, 1994, 12 victims.
You're not doing that - I've got a thumping headache.
Have they no quiet ones, David? Hmm.
Alexander Devlin, 1964, drowned his victims in a bath.
That's do-able, isn't it? How about that, Graham? Being drowned?.. Go and fill a bath, David.
And put some Matey in it for him if you can find any... Do you have Matey?
David loves a Matey bath.
I am sorry about all this, Graham, but you know I couldn't
cope without David and he couldn't cope without me.
Not if he got sent back to that place.
There was some right strange people in there, Graham, I tell you.
A woman died.
Mum! Hang on.
Let's have a look. David, it's stone cold.
What now? You can't put him in that, he'll freeze to death!
Go and boil a kettle. That'll take the edge off it.
I'll swirl him in a drop of Radox.
Help him relax.
Stop! Mum! He's getting away! GRAHAM YELLS
Get after him!
If he goes to the police...
TYRES SQUEAL Argh!
THUD!
Oh, no, never mind, we're all right.
Oh, look, he did have Matey. What a lie!
A few years ago I had to spend some time in an institution.
Just because you were a dwarf? That is outrageous.
No, not because of that. I had some...
issues, mentally.
Don't be scared, its all sorted.
I used to be a werewolf, but I'm all right now-ooo!
Really? That as well?
No, I was joking.
So, you're not a dwarf?
No, I am a dwarf.
I'm not a werewolf. Oh!
Anyway.
While I was there,
a woman was killed.
Whoever is sending these messages seems to think I killed her. But I didn't. It was...
Sorry. I just keep thinking about you in those films.
I have this, erm, fantasy.
No, I'm embarrassed.
No, go on.
I'm Snow White asleep in her glass coffin.
And you're Blusher, and you come to try and rouse me.
You've really thought this through, haven't you?
What about the rest of my costume? Just the hat.
DOOR CLOSES Ooh, I am pooped.
We had two ectopics back to back today.
I've been like a blue-arsed fly.
HE CHUCKLES
Don't suppose you've had a chance to look at the crossword, then?
18 down's a real stinker.
George, what's wrong?
# Some day my prince will come. #
I'm coming. One sec.
# Hi ho! #
WOLF WHISTLES
THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
I'm sorry, but that is so funny.
Well, it's true that television adds a few pounds.
Go ahead, let's see you stamp your foot like Rumpled Foreskin!
I think he looks cute.
MOCKING LAUGHTER
Oh!
Well, some people just can't take a joke.
Maybe they've lost interest.
Nah. He's in there all right.
I can feel it.
80 seconds, Mr Lomax.
78, 77, 76.
What do I do? I'm bidding a fiver. Leave it.
67. 66, 65, 64...
63, 62, 61, one minute. Go! £50.
£60.
75.
40 seconds.
"EastEnders" Theme
COMPUTER BEEPS
220, Chelse. Do it.
230.
Bob... come and look at this.
What is it?
How long left? 25 seconds. 300.
£300?! 320 now.
There's an e-mail from one of them saying "name your price".
Pull it! What? Pull the ad! £400.
You said you'd e-mail the seller. There's no time for that. 500? More zeros. Get off!
If they're willing to pay five...
£600, who knows much it could be worth? I can't stop it. I thought you'd been on a course. Ian!
10 seconds. 9, 8...
9,000!
9,000! And one penny!
Press delete! I can't do it with you standing over me. Ian!
5, 4... 3, 2...
Did we win?
Did we get it?
Well done, son. Now all we've got to do is find the bloody thing.