Still got a few tricks up your sleeve, Jolly.
We're missing a book.
50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume Two.
Police have been asking - I need someone to look after it.
Stop it! Oh, why should I?
Because you've got cancer!
No loose ends, Kelvin.
And if he doesn't know anything? Kill him.
What do you know about Hancock?
Who is he? Fill me in. His name's Shahrouz. Oh, my God!
Will you marry him for me?
I won't say anything.
Billy was nine years old, fell out of a tree.
Lost a lot of blood. My wife said we'd better call Tony.
What? He was the father?
I loved that boy but I walked out on him that day and never seen him since.
How long have I got?
I'm just reading the file on Oscar Lomax. Have you read it? Oh, yes, ma'am.
I can't believe it.
Indeed, ma'am. It's quite extraordinary, if it's true.
What's the clown up to? Mr Jelly?
Still visiting the old lady, the occasional children's party.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
BEEPING
It's my video conference call.
Mr Mansour. Can you see me?
Yes, I see you. Now, am I in high definition?
We had these HDMI cables fitted. You should be able to tell if I hold up this.
Never mind.
We are growing impatient, Miss Andrews.
When will we see a return on our investment?
I can assure you we are very close to making our presentation, Mr Mansour.
I'm sure you can appreciate we're working at the cutting-edge of technology here.
Sorry ma'am, just need to grab a bit of Blu-Tack. Thanks.
We are just waiting on the final piece of the jigsaw before we can proceed.
I hope I need not remind you how much is at stake here, Miss Andrews?
Of course. And I can assure you that we will leave no stone unturned.
No offence.
What do you mean?
Well, you stone people, don't you?
Do you?
I hope to hear from you soon.
Shit. Think I put my foot in it, there.
Kelvin, get Detective Finney. I need that locket!
Hi, Mum.
Morning, David.
I've mushed a Weetabick up for you, it's on the table.
How you feeling?
I'm fine, thank you. How are you?
Here, take your vitamins.
It burns. That's because it's working.
Sorry about last night.
Robin's fault. I've spent ages unblocking that toilet bowl.
You should've seen me. It was like Augustus Gloop.
No, I mean the cancer.
What are you going to do?
I'm clearing out under your bed
so if there's anything you don't want me to see, shift it.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Is that David Sowerbutts? Speaking.
I sent you a card recently with a message.
I think it would be wise if we met. Meet me at King's Cross Station.
Three o' clock. There'll be a ticket in your name. Yeah.
I want this to end.
HORN BLOWS
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Hoyti Toyti's.
I've got to make a phone call. Be back in ten minutes, all right?
Aye, go on then. Cod and chips.
A what, dear? A Homepride Fred?
Oh, you mean like a flour shaker?
No, we do toys, dear. Antiques.
Try Kath's Kitchens.
Oh, here comes trouble.
Where is it, then?
Here, I've laid it all out for you.
Not much new stuff in this month. Come and have a feel.
That Sooty turned out to be fake, then?
Yes, they traced it back to a woman in Pickering. She made them herself.
Apparently, she had a whole attic full of Sues.
She was about to flood the market but they caught her.
This Slinky's a bit loose, isn't it? I know, it's Chinese.
HE GROANS
Now, I know the answer to this but I'm going to put it out there anyway.
Would you have any interest in a Simpsons chess set?
Not in the slightest. I cannot shift it.
Oh, stay away from the '80s, Peter. You've been burned before.
What's this? Not seen one like this before.
Oh, it just came in this morning,
not had a chance to give it the once-over myself yet.
Papier mache head, wooden hands, nicely carved.
Original lace.
French, I'd say. This is quite a find, Peter.
Yes, apparently it was a prop in that old film,
The Punch And Judy Man with, oh, what's his name...?
The lad himself?
Tony Hancock.
All right, see you in a bit. Cool.
You following me, bruv? What? I've seen you following me.
What do you want? I think you can help me.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Hello, husband.
Do you know, I still can't get used to saying that. Hello, Hattie.
Eh, Chris is not here. He go to Cranford.
I know. I tried to call him but couldn't get through.
Listen, Shahrouz, I don't want to panic you, but we might have a bit of a problem.
Huh?
I've had a call from the man at the Home Office who's processing your visa application.
Visa, yes.
Well, he's suspicious about our wedding cos it was so close to the expiry date of your old visa,
and he wants to do a home visit,
just to check we are actually living as Mr and Mrs, what is it, Japan...?
Javanmardy. That's it. Hattie Javanmardy. Unreal.
You want me to come round after work? Erm...
I think you should, you know, just to be on the safe side. OK.
I will be there after six. Thank you, Hattie.
Oh, and Shahrouz? Yes?
Bring your toothbrush.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello. I'm Mr Jolly.
Yes, we are expecting you.
Oooh, I know it says Jelly on there but it's a mistake.
Just ignore it.
Mmmm. This is all very posh. How long you lived here?
Oh, I'm not the owner, sir. I'm just in service here.
Oh, right. Oh, yeah. I wondered why you had gloves on.
Thought you might be allergic.
So, can I ask, the party - is it a boy or a girl?
A young man I believe, sir. He's just upstairs getting prepared.
Right, well, I usually do pirate stuff for the lads.
I used to do balloon animals but it's got ridiculous with the hook.
Well, we have a room prepared for you. Just let me have your bag.
I shan't be a moment.
LAUGHTER
SHE SCREAMS
Oh, sorry! Sorry! Use a lock.
Yo, ho, ho. Hello, my name is Captain Hook and I'm looking for the birthday boy.
Have any of you landlubbers seen him?
HE SINGS "The Sailor's Hornpipe".
Sorry, have I dropped a bollock? Everyone, this is Mr Jolly.
He's our entertainment for the afternoon.
Can I get you a drink?
Why not? I am Mr Jolly.
No! I told you before, I don't want anything to do with him!
He only wants to talk to you. I'm not meeting him, Tealeaf.
Here, ring him up and cancel it. Tell him it's off.
Look, you should just chat to him. He seems like a nice guy.
I can't meet him, Tealeaf. Do you understand? I can never meet him.
He doesn't blame you for anything. It wasn't your fault.
You were the one who was lied to. If I saw him it would only make things worse than they already are.
It wouldn't, he sees you as his father.
I am his father. That's what he wants. I mean I'm his real father. I thought Hancock...
I am Hancock!
What?
I'm Tony Hancock.
Stone me, what a life.
Can't even do the voice any more.
Does your son know?
Yes, I think he's worked it out.
Go and fetch him, Tealeaf.
It's time I faced the truth.
All right. Be back in half an hour.
Hancock's Half Hour.
Sorry. That's all right.
You? Yes, me.
I know what you did.
What do you want?
Well, I've been thinking a lot about how to commit the perfect murder.
Coffee?
I have a bit of a problem with cash flow.
I don't know if you know about Haringey's payment structure,
but there's a glass ceiling for public sector workers
and I'm banging my head against it.
It's supposed to incentivise cross-borough collaboration,
but why would we want to get into bed with the Barnet lot
when their grants are not centrally managed?
I don't know. Exactly!
Anyway, I have, shall we say, substantial debts,
and I can't keep chasing the Thunderball forever
because that way, madness lies.
What's this?
I have a great aunt who's left me some money in her will.
It's not much, but it'll see me debt-free for the first time since the credit crunch.
I want you to help her on her way.
You want me to murder her?
Don't look so shocked.
Last time I saw you, you were happily telling me you'd just killed five people.
Three men, two ladies. Three men, two ladies.
This just makes it three of each. Balances it.
You do this for me, and all the information I have on you and Critchley Gardens
will mysteriously find it's way into the recycling.
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. My mum does that.
Oh.
Well, do we have a deal?
She's not well.
If I do this for you, you've got to do something for me.
Criss cross.
How do you mean? I don't want her to suffer any more.
Is that your watch?
There you are. Thank you, ladies.
Everything's prepared for you upstairs. If you'd come this way.
God, half pissed now! Birthday boy ready, is he?
I believe so, sir.
Right. Well, I'd better get going. I'll take that, thank you.
Everything in order, sir?
I think so, yes. I won't be a moment.
Just checking you have everything, Jolly? We've prepared the lights.
What's this?
This is Mr Kakkar. And it's his left kidney, I think. Is that right, Gravy?
It is, sir.
And the local anaesthetic has been administered as instructed.
It goes in here when you're done, then ring the bell.
I was thinking more of a rabbit out of a hat.
We'll just leave you to it.
Two hundred dollar, please.
BANGING ON DOOR
Hello, Billy.
Please, come in.
Hello, Dad.
This way.
MUSIC: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler.
♪ Every now and then I fall apart. ♪
Have you ever worked with Gaynor, Shahrouz? Gaynor?
Sorry, you probably know her as Bonnie Tyler.
I know her as Gaynor Hopkins.
I did the hair and make-up on this video.
I have never back-combed so much in my entire life.
The lacquer we got through.
Are you sure you don't want a little glass of poo,
we're supposed to be celebrating?
No.
I am not permitted to drink. Mmmm.
There's other things you're not permitted to do.
But you still do them though, don't you?
It is my religion.
Oh, God. I'm going to have to learn all about this, aren't I?
Are you going to try and convert me?
Or should I try and convert you?
The man is coming? Yeah, he is, but we don't know when. They try and trick you out.
Do you think we should be heading upstairs? Just do what we'd normally do?
I sleep on the couch.
Don't be daft. You can sleep in my bed.
I'll go in the spare room.
Besides, you've got to carry me up the stairs yet.
That's it.
You see, we've got to observe each other's customs, Shahrouz.
It's all part of being married.
SHE HUMS "Here Comes The Bride"
ANSWER PHONE BEEPS
'This is Jeremy Goode from Brooke Street Library. Will you be returning
'50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume Two?
'I expect to hear from you immediately, if not sooner.'
Have a wonderful time. Thanks.
Night.
I don't know what I'm doing. Can you feel that?
You'll have to tell me if it starts hurting because I have not a clue.
I'm a children's entertainer.
Is there no other way you could have earned that money?
Two hundred dollar. Well, I'm not giving it you.
I'm being paid in Euros anyway. It's an international operation.
Right.
Here... we... go.
Oh, God, you're bleeding, now. I need some bog roll.
HE WHIMPERS
CREAKING
A-a-a-a-h! Hattie, what are you doing?
I am consummating our relationship, Shahrouz.
That was harder than back-combing Bonnie Tyler's hair, I tell you.
But this is not right.
Come back to bed.
We'll talk about it in the morning. No.
This is all wrong.
I'm wearing your ring, Shahrouz.
We've got a certificate of marriage downstairs, signed in the sight of God.
You are my husband.
And husbands sleep with their wives, Shahrouz. Sorry.
But, I am homosexual.
Nobody's perfect. Come on.
I want to phone Chris.
Chris is in Cranford.
No phones in Cranford.
What would happen to you, Shahrouz, if you got sent back to Iran?
If they found out you were living with an English man?
HE WHIMPERS
Right.
No, no. Can't do this. Ridiculous.
Had to mush that up a bit.
What else?
It's like Ready Steady Cook, this. Oh, that'll do.
Hang on a minute.
How you getting on?
Yeah, it's all done. It's in there.
No, don't look at it.
You have to leave the lid on, or else they'd go off.
Oh, right.
Nice easy one, that. Just slipped out, didn't it? Kidley?
He's regretting it, now. I told him he would.
Don't worry, Mr Kakkar.
We have your fee waiting for you. As we do for you, Mr Jolly.
Once the client has received the kidney, of course. Of course.
Right, well. I think I'll just, er...
go and, er...
have a piss.
MUSIC: "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
Who are you?
I'm Jeremy from the library.
Why are you in my room?
On the 14th of October 2007, you borrowed Alice Through The Looking Glass.
Do you remember that book, Chloe?
Beware the Jabberwock, my son.
The jaws that bite. The claws that catch.
On the 28th of October, your mummy brought the book back to the library,
and on the 31st of October Margaret Cheng took it out again.
Because libraries are all about sharing, aren't they, Chloe?
What do you want?
Where is 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume Two?
It's a book, Chloe.
One of our books from the library and your mummy has stolen it.
Jabberwocky would like to read that book, Chloe.
Would you like me to send him to your room so he can look for it?
Very well.
You have to look for it.
I'll be watching. Night night.
Never been with a woman before, have you?
Well, as Bonnie said, I can always...
"Turn around, bright eyes".
I'm very proud of the fact my ex-partner said he could never tell the difference.
Turn the light out, Shahrouz.
There wasn't a day go by I didn't think of you, Billy.
But after what I did, I knew I couldn't go on.
Sugar? Thank you.
I ruined my best friend's life.
Slept with his wife and fathered a son he thought his own.
It killed him.
And the guilt killed me.
One fake suicide in Australia later and all my sins were washed away.
The career was on its way out so that didn't bother me.
I'd turned them all against me, anyway.
Sid, Ray and Alan.
Williams.
All I had to do was become somebody else.
It was easier to arrange away from home.
A weighted coffin was buried.
Then I came up here to start my new life.
A quiet life.
It's quite a story.
Yes, indeed. But what about you, Billy?
There must me so many things you want to ask me.
Oh, only one thing. Where's the locket?
Eh? The locket!
Oscar. What happened to it?
What do you mean? I don't know anything about that.
I thought you probably didn't. But it'd be rude not to ask, eh?
Here we go, then. Billy! Please. Billy, I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Here we go, then.
You ready for this? Just give me a moment.
I've waited 40 years for this.
I'm shaking.
Don't worry.
I'm sure your dad's just as choked up as you are.
Yeah? Come on.
Mr Lomax, Billy's here.
Not again.
There you are! Where've you been?
Eccles.
What for?
Eccles cake.
David, how many more times? You can get them from the Spar.
You don't have to go to Hamburg to get a hamburger.
I've been picking out the music I want at my funeral.
I want one classical and one from the cheering-up tape.
Trying to decide between Superman and Oops Upside Your Head. See how wide the pews are.
But for the classical, I want this.
SHE PLAYS "Abide With Me"
'Is that you, Tealeaf?
'Is there anything from Nasa?
'In with the plums!'
'I have a great aunt.
'I want you to help her on her way.'
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk