I'm goin' down to south park
gonna have myself a time
friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation
I'm goin' down to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor
headin' on up to south park, gonna see if I can't unwind
[muffled]
come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine
- Unless we come together as a country
And realize that refugees from syria
Should be considered in need--
- Boo! Booo, wendy.
Booo, wendy testaburger, boo.
- Refugees from syria should be considered in need
Of international protection.
- Boo, wendy, boo! Boo, wendy.
- The vast majority of refugees from syria
Are likely to meet refugee status...
- Boo, wendy testaburger, boo!
Booo, wendy. Liar.
- Instead of booing my opinion,
Why don't you make a constructive argument.
- I'm not booing your opinion.
I'm booing your report topic.
No one even knows what a re-fuge-e is.
Boo! Boo, bad, boo.
- Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please?
Mr. Garrison?
- Huh? Oh, sorry, wendy.
Very nicely done.
Thank you.
Okay, next report.
Let's have peter mullen.
- Ugh! Jesus.
- My report is on the vile and despicable trash
That our parents are watching on cable television.
Fellow students, there is a plague of smut
On our cable boxes.
Shows that feature re-enactments of unsolved crimes
And spousal homicides.
I'm talking, of course, about murder porn.
- Murder porn? - That's more like it.
- According to the neilson ratings,
Viewership in shows like cold case files
Date line murder and deadly affairs
Is sky rocketing among married couples.
The increases viewership has brought about
A whole new slue of shows that use graphic sex
And innuendo to make spousal murder
More titillating.
Shows like southern fried homicide,
Sinful secrets, on the case with paula zahn.
And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's trash!
Ah-ahem.
Your parents are watching this stuff.
Go home and ask them, and ask we ask them
We must ask also ourselves,
If they're obsessed with this stuff,
Then how long, how long before one of our daddies
Dresses up in lingerie and bashes mommy's head
In with a brick?
[sharon moaning, laughing]
- Oh, crap! Who could that be?
Oh, it's probably fuckin' stan.
Hang on, bud.
Come on in.
Hey, stan, what's up.
- His wife is having sex with the neighbor,
And when her husband comes home,
He wants more than just a divorce.
- Ugh! - Aah!
[tv remote clicks]
- You guys are watching murder porn?
- Murder porn?
Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.
- Adults like documentaries.
- Yeah, stan.
These are based on real things.
This is like news.
It's informative.
Parents like informative stuff.
- Okay.
[door closes]
- Oh, we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?
[telephone rings]
- What's up, dude?
- Dude, do you know aaron hagan?
- Yeah, the first-grader?
- You should come down to his house.
His dad just killed his mom.
- What?
[sirens]
- [wailing]
Aah!
- Hey, that kid should not be seeing this.
- [crying]
- What happened?
- You're making a mistake. Let me go.
It wasn't me, I tell you.
A burglar broke in. He was black.
He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face.
He was black!
[kids shouting, chattering]
- Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned,
But we have to work together.
- How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?
- The police found hours and hours of murder porn
On the hagan's dvr.
What more proof do we need?
- I called the networks that are putting
This smut out there,
And you know what they told me?
They told me if I didn't want my parents watching,
Then I should spend more time with them.
Like it's my fault.
[all shouting]
- This is the result of a broken society
In which profit comes before morals.
- Booo.
Boo, wendy testaburger, boo.
- Look, everybody, I know we feel our hands are tied,
But the fact is, we can do something about this.
There's an app which can actually allow kids
To block things that their parents watch on television.
And it is password protected with a security code
That only a child would know.
- Tonight at 10:00,
It's the tale of love, seduction and murder
On sexy betrayals.
Then at 7:00, some like their murder
With a side of sexy biscuits
On southern fried homicide.
But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder
On hot load case files - aah!
- Oh, yeah, three of the best shows in a row.
- Is the lube over there?
- Yeah, I got lube right here.
- Well, get over here, big guy.
- Yeah. [tv beeps]
- What the--what the hell?
Yeah, hi, uh,
We aren't getting our informative murder porn.
No, no, none of our channels
That have informative murder porn appear to be working.
Yeah, the screen just says,
"how do you tame a horse in minecraft?"
Uh, yes, we do have children.
A what?
A parental lock?
Stan! Stan!
How do you take a horse in minecraft?
- What?
- What is minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it.
- You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Oh, come on, you can't block your parents
From watching informative murder porn.
What, you think if we watch shows about married people
Killing each other all the time
We're gonna go out and do it?
That's stupid.
I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom
Just because I watch investigative discovery, stan.
It'd be impossible to clear away
All the dna evidence anyway.
Even if hired someone else to kill her,
I'd have to kill that person too,
Because 96% of the time
That person eventually tells the truth.
I thought this through a lot.
Stan?
You're a lousy kid!
I wish jaden smith was my son!
- Who do our children think they are?
Blocking our tv content!
- How are they able to do this with their smartphones?
- It's all right.
Our kids think they outsmarted us,
But we're the ones who pay the cable company.
What they say?
Can they remove the parental lock?
- No, they just did their usual cable company runaround.
- What? We'll see about this.
Excuse me, our content is being blocked
And we need it now.
- I'm sorry, sir, if you need it now,
Perhaps you should switch to another cable company.
Oh, there's not another cable company is there?
Oh, that's right, we're the only one in town.
- Look, if our kids can block content,
Then you must be able to block them.
- As we told the other sir, we can fix it.
But we just need to send a technician out to your house
To change out your cable box.
- Oh, okay, great.
[typing on keyboard]
- We just need to find a window of time
You can be home.
How about between the hours 6:00 a.M. And 3:00 p.M.
All of November?
- No, I can't wait around my house
From 6:00 a.M. To 3:00 p.M. All of November!
- Oh, you can't? Jeez, that's too bad.
You have to be home for the technician.
Have you thought of switching to directv?
- I can't afford directv.
- Oh, you can't?
Geez, that's terrible.
Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows.
- Well, any luck?
- No, just the usual cable company stuff.
- Oh, well. Guess we'll have to live
Without our informative crime dramas
- No, screw that.
Can't we learn this minecraft game
So get around our kids' parental lock?
- I've tried!
It's unlike other video games.
I really don't get it.
It's all retro and like legos,
But then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer
And kicked me off.
- We can learn, randy.
There's talk of a child.
Word is he will teach minecraft to anybody
For the right price.
- Hello?
- Hi. Corey lanskin?
- Yes.
- We heard that you're willing
To teach minecraft to adults?
- Fuck off!
- Look, we were told that you're available for hire
And we're desperate.
- You was told wrong, misser.
I'm a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things.
- We have 100 ounces of silver.
- Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones.
Now, we're going select an empty world.
Selecting an empty world will begin you
Being dropped on a beach.
You're roam around and start punching trees.
- Punching trees?
- Why would we punch trees?
- Just use your fuckin' brain.
How do you get wood?
- Watching informative murder porn?
- No, in this minecraft forest!
How do you get wood?
- Punching trees?
- Right.
You punch the trees to get the wood.
You get the wood to build a cabin.
- Oh, I see.
When does the game start?
- You are playing the game.
This is the game!
- I don't get it.
- That's because you're thinking like a dad.
Minecraft, it don't have no winner.
It don't got no objective.
You're just fuckin' building shit
And seeing if other things can knock it down.
Now, let's click on the inventory
And let's filter through the skins.
- Yes, I'm getting it now.
- You are? - No.
- Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep.
- I almost got it sharon
I found out where the horse is.
Now I just have to figure out how to tame one.
- I'm not in the mood now anyway.
- Sharon, I miss being intimate with you.
Everything was so passionate and then it just dropped off.
I feel like we're losing our bond.
- We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.
- I know, but it's like we're just good friends.
A marriage has to be more.
It has to have fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes.
Magnacube? What the hell is a magnacube?
- I'm going sleep.
- Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.
[bell rings]
- There he is.
Hey, kyle, the parental lock isn't working.
Our parents are still watching murder porn.
- What? How do you know?
- I caught my parents over at bebe's house
Watching seductive homicides,
But bebe got the lock from the cable company.
- It's true.
I walked in on my parents watching martial murder mayhem.
They broke the parental lock.
- That's impossible. Did you set it up right?
- You guys?
You guys, you better get over here.
- What? - Butter's dad killed his mom.
- [sobbing]
- Butter, what happened?
- I was out by the lake
And I saw my dad out in this field.
He was harvesting sugar cane.
It didn't make sense because he had a hammer.
I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big
Thing he had built, and I yelled,
"watch out for the creeper," but she fell.
- Wait. Wait. You mean in minecraft?
- Yeah, then my dad went berserk
And threw me down a well.
I was trapped down there all night.
- Butters, your dad threw you down a well?
- In minecraft.
- What's that?
- I was able to hoist myself out,
And there was my dad frozen in the lake.
It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it.
Oh, god, it was terrible!
- That's it.
That's how our parents broke the pass code.
I never thought anyone would stoop so slow.
- What do you mean?
- Somebody's teaching our parents minecraft.
- Yes? - Hello, sir.
Had an incident last night.
Wonder if you saw or heard anything?
- No, what happened.
- Someone broke into your next door neighbor's backyard
And they dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.
- Punched his trees?
- Yes, then we got a house across the street
Where someone dug up the yard and built a cabin.
- That's weird.
- What were you doing last night?
- I was just playing mine--my banjo.
- I play the banjo too.
- Well, thanks for your time, sir.
You may want to keep the lights on in your yard tonight
In case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.
- Will do, officer. Will do.
[all shouting angrily]
- Calm down. I know we're all concerned.
- Concerned?
Thanks to you and your stupid app
Parents are still watching murder porn
And now screwing up minecraft too.
- I spent three hours trying to get tweek's parents
To stop griefing my castle.
When I finally got away from them,
I found they had taken all my dandelions.
- Why did we agree to the stupid app?
- You know why!
We're trying to keep our parents
From watching murder porn.
- Why?
Because one kid's dad killed his mom?
For all we know they were doing drugs for years.
Maybe murder porn had to do with it.
- I have to agree with cartman.
Maybe we overreacted...
- Booo!
Boo, wendy, boo.
- It's true.
Maybe we need to trust our parents won't act out
What they see.
[siren bloops] - all right, that's enough.
Come on out and there won't be any trouble.
Give it up, stotch. You have nowhere to run.
- Huh?
- I'll never give up.
I don't even remember doing this.
Just leave me alone!
- Heh heh! Nice one.
You're castle fuckin' sucks!
- Go to hell you griefer!
- All right. We gotta do something.
- Hello.
- Corey lanskin? - Yes.
- We heard you might be teaching minecraft to adults.
- What? Whassa minecraft?
- We're trying to keep our parents away
From graphic television shows.
It could be a matter of life and death.
- Don't be angry.
My mommy always angry.
Get back in the meat locker.
Ouchie, ouchie! Mommy rape my no-no!
But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?
- All right, sorry, kid.
I guess we have the wrong house, kid.
- Okay. Bye.
- What, dude?
- Something he said.
Did you hear him?
He said, "ouchie, ouchie. Mommy rape my no-no."
- So?
- If I'd been caught lying,
That's exactly what I would have said.
- Now that you built a workbench,
It's time to build something to take care
Of those fuckin' sheep.
Just stop thinking with your grown-up brains--
- Ah-ha! - Oh, shit!
- [mumbling] - son of a bitch!
Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world
Without our parents being shown this stuff?
- A kid needs to make a living, don't he?
- You have no idea what this is about, do you?
We were using minecraft to block our parents
From watching spousal homicide shows.
- Like investigative discovery?
- So you know it. - Yeah, I've seen that stuff.
Who the bleep did I marry?
True crime with aphrodite jones.
Real sick shit.
Your parents watch that stuff?
- We put a stop to it until you taught them minecraft.
- Your problem ain't with me.
One or two might act out what they see in video games,
But cable television?
People copy everything they see people do on cable.
You're going about this all wrong.
You want to protect your family,
You'll have to go fight the cable company.
- Hey, guys, can you help you?
- Hello. There are certain networks
We see as harmful to our families
And we want them removed, please.
- Oh, you don't want cable anymore?
- No, no, just I.D. Network,
A&e, oxygen, and oprah's network.
All the ones with murder porn.
- You don't like paying for all the channels?
Our company packages them together.
- Well, can you unpackage them?
- Our company doesn't work that way.
You want me to give you the number
Of a different cable company--
Oh, wait, we're it, aren't we?
Dang it.
Get you have to deal with our packages.
- Can we talk to your supervisor, please?
- Oh, sure. Hey, david.
- Is there a problem here?
- We want specific networks dropped from our cable.
- You have to pay for the bundle
Not just for what you want to watch.
- You mean we're forced to pay for the oprah channel?
- I guess if you don't want to be forced to pay for oprah,
You have to shut off your cable altogether.
- Fine. Then we'll shut our cable off all together.
- Mitch, when can you get out to shut off cable boxes?
- Man, it's going to be three weeks.
There's a whole plug I have to pull out.
It's like four inches long.
- Three weeks, huh?
Is that okay with you guys?
- No, that's way too long.
- Oh, it is? - Jeez, that's terrible.
- God damn it, I just don't want my parents
To murder each other!
Can't you see we're just trying to keep our families safe?
I don't know if seeing couples
Murder each other on television
Will make our parents do it,
And we probably can't stop them from watching
What they want to watch.
We're just trying to make it more difficult
Because cable makes it so convenient.
If they didn't have easy access to their murder porn
They'd be bummed out,
But it's not our responsibility to give them
What they want, is it?
- Say--say the last part again?
- What?
- What was the last part you said?
- I said it's not our responsibility
To give them what they want.
- No, the part about your parents
Not getting the channels easily.
-I said it would bum them out.
- How much would it bum them out?
- Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by
For a message from the president of your cable company.
- Hello.
In an effort to stop the cries of children everywhere,
Your local cable company has decided to drop
All networks that sexualize spousal homicides
From regular programming.
Customers still wishing to view true crime networks
Will have to purchase a separate package...
Which will require service every night
From 2:00 to 3:00 a.M. And must include
The purchase of 300 channels in portuguese.
We realize it may be an inconvenience to you,
And we hope you voice all your concerns to us,
Because at your local company,
The customer is always our bitch.
- Jaden smith lets his parents do whatever they want.
You know what?
The guys at work took a bet on who would win
In a fight, you or jaden smith,
And they all said jaden smith could kick your ass.
He does movies and he can sing,
And he's totally cool to his parents.
- Well then, maybe you should live with jaden smith, dad.
- I wish I could!
I wish I could live with jaden smith
So I'd be rich, and I wouldn't have to live
In a boring, sexless marriage
Where all we do is piss each other off!
Oh, crap.
Sharon, I'm sorry.
- No, you're right, randy.
Without any sex, we just seem to get madder and madder.
- No, you're right, sharon.
We don't need murder porn for passion in our marriage.
We need the spark back.
Let's go away, me and you.
Some where exciting and beautiful
Where we can focus on us.
Sharon?
Hey, sharon, are you here?
- I'm here, randy.
- It's beautiful, isn't it
Come over here. I built us a fire.
- Look what I got you.
- Diamonds. They're beautiful.
- Just thought I'd surprise you,
And there's more where that came from.
- I have a surprise too, randy.
- Oh, yeah, what's that?
Aah!
Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
- Jesus, you stuck a pickax right in my skull.
- Oh, I did. That felt great.
- Felt great? - Yeah.
- Hold on, stay by the lake. I want to kill you now.
- Okay.
[sharon and randy moaning]
Oh, my god you put that sword
Right through my face.
- That felt so good.
- My turn again. - Okay, hang on.
- I've always thought of murdering you in your sleep.
Can you get to the cabin and get in bed?
- I'm going now.
- You lazy jerk!
You never do anything around the house!
- Oh! Oh, you bitch!
- Oh, I love you, randy.
- I love you too, babe. Oh!
- Even if hired someone else to kill her,
I'd have to kill that person too,
Because 96% of the time
That person eventually tells the truth.
I thought this through a lot.
Stan?
You're a lousy kid!
I wish jaden smith was my son!