(SOPRANOS THEME SONG)
Don't miss your first session.
I forgot, I gotta take care of this first.
There he is.
How's it going, buddy?
Don't you own a fucking mirror?
Looks like you've been kissing the Pillsbury Doughboy.
All right, come on. What do you got for me?
- What the fuck, Dominic? - That's half.
- Three weeks in a row? - Business slow! We tell you!
We pay, what for? Kid break window, you do nothing.
- We pay no more! - What'd she say?
Don't listen to her. Come on, let's go.
Honey, out front. Come on! Now!
Goddamn whore bitch.
You got money for blow, but not us?
Chris, please. I'm sorry.
"Business slow." Half the block is out there waiting for blowjobs!
You drug addict motherfucker!
This shit's unacceptable!
How you doing, hon?
The third time this week, Artie.
They can't turn down a four-top.
You're done already?
About time. I was gonna start on your drapes.
- What the fuck is that? - Quail.
À la Bucco. Baby quail stuffed with fennel sausage.
Can I get AIDS from eating this?
Hey, Artie, didn't I see this guy shit on a statue in the park?
Jesus Christ. I'm trying something new.
- Broaden your horizons. - Forget the fancy shit.
You know what you need? A top-notch mozzarella maker.
Like that kid from the other side. Best cheese ever.
- The best. - They get the real milk.
Seriously, all he does 24 hours a day, he makes mozzarella.
He's a master cheese maker.
So's Paulie.
Oh, yeah? All right.
- Arthur, the bank. - Enjoy, I'll catch you later.
You better run.
Why isn't she going?
After she takes her broom for an oil change.
I'll be right back.
- Good wine, huh? - Delicious.
Artie.
That guy we spoke about?
- The cheese? It's my cousin. - Oh, yeah?
I haven't told anybody, but he's coming over.
Maybe you could hire him, help me out with immigration.
Kitchen's packed. I can barely pay myself.
I'll take care of the money.
Why's he coming if he has a job there?
You know what? Either do me the favor, or not.
Third grade on up, you needed something, I was there.
Does he at least know his ass from a schmutz?
The actor is the instrument for conveying ideas. During the next...
Is this Acting for Writers?
Your first assignment is to act like one who gets here on time!
Sorry. Tunnel...
As writers, you'll find it enormously helpful...
...to walk a mile in the actor's shoes.
Imagine being an architect who's never lifted a stone.
Over the next few weeks we'll focus on improv and scene study.
Why don't we begin by introducing ourselves...
...where you're from?
Mitch McDermott. Raised in Hartsdale, but don't hold that against me.
B.A. in English Lit from Ithaca.
I've written a few specs, haven't sold anything yet.
Right now I'm on the sales team at Chick Brauer Porsche/Audi.
Great. Welcome.
My name is Chris MacEveety.
I work on Wall Street. Not on Wall Street, but you know, stocks.
You write?
Yeah. I wanna write for the movies. Like GoodFellas.
Any special reason you chose this class?
I didn't. It was a birthday present from my girlfriend.
I had some problems with my screenplay so I bought...
...How to Write a Movie in 21 Days. That was a year ago.
I can't guarantee you'll write faster, but hopefully you learn a few things.
My name is Cynthia Weller, I was born in Savanna...
...but we moved to Hempstead when I was 5.
Despite Corrado Soprano's medical furlough from jail...
...sources in the Attorney's Office say nephew Anthony Soprano...
...remains the de facto boss of the North Jersey mob.
Soprano, seen here in an FBI surveillance photo with...
...family associate "Big Pussy" Bompensiero...
...was the target of a murder attempt...
Jesus Christ! How come every piss I take is a fucking news story?
OH.
Let's walk.
I had coffee with your friend from the railroad.
Sounds like mag and custom wheels. Could be sweet.
- I need you to go to Newark for me. - Airport?
Al Italia. A friend of ours is coming in.
- Who? Mauro Zucca's wife? - No, Furio.
Furio? Coming here?
What, to see what indoor plumbing looks like?
I'm making some changes.
Thanks for fucking telling me. When was this decided?
I do something wrong?
Sunday. My house. Box of Mallomars on the counter.
Fucking empty. You think I don't know it was you?
I'm kidding, you fuck.
Listen, him coming over is good. You're getting a bump.
Fucking Mallomars. I thought you lost your mind.
The way things are, I got to step back.
Feds find an excuse, I do time for jaywalking.
Not like the old days.
Furio being here frees you up, frees me up.
It's me, then you and Sil together. That's the pecking order.
- What about Puss? - Pussy reports to you guys. Directly.
Same with Furio.
This means a lot to me, T.
It was a downpour.
He couldn't see anything. It was impossible.
Where are you in the dream?
I'm there. I could observe everything.
He's driving, and he starts to hyperventilate.
He grabs for a bottle of Prozac, but it's empty.
And while this is happening...
...that song from The Wizard of Oz is playing.
- "Over the Rainbow." - No, that other one.
(SINGING WIZARD OF OZ SONG)
They're in the poppy field.
That one.
Anyway, he goes into a full-blown panic attack, and he passes out.
(CRASHING SOUND)
He crashes into this huge truck.
"Out of the woods."
The fact that he can't see the road ahead suggests my abandoning him.
Who in Wizard would your patient be?
Given the fact that he's a powerful, dominating male?
Oz himself?
What, Elliot, with the eyebrow already?
The Wizard of Oz, what memories does it conjure up?
My parents' house. Watching it on TV.
Hiding under the blanket with my sister.
I'm gaining weight.
Why do we love roller coasters, Jennifer? Scary movies?
To experience the thrill of being terrified...
...without the consequences. That's very good, Elliot.
Great film, but some terrifying moments.
That's very perceptive.
I'm concerned that treating a mobster provides you some...
...vicarious thrill.
It wasn't exactly vicarious.
I had to go into hiding, remember?
- And wasn't that thrilling? - Fuck you!
You think this is funny.
You smug cocksucker! Fuck you!
(DOOR CLOSING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Who is this?
She's not here right now.
It's her brother.
- Hey, Mom, do we have any jam? - No.
Get dressed. You're late.
Yeah, that's my mother's house. On the what?
I'll give her the message.
- Bitch. - What's the matter?
The bank. She's trying to get a loan on Mom's house.
- Parvati? - Janice.
Her name is Janice, okay?
She gave the wrong social security number.
All right, Tony. Calm down.
She's living rent-free.
She's gotta squeeze money out of the house too?
Fucking goddamn fucking bitch.
Goddamn it, Tony!
What did I say, AJ? Go get dressed.
- I'm sorry. - Why don't you grow the fuck up?
I forgot to tell you, I got a job at RadioShack.
Product Testing. Giving that phone an F for durability.
Janice, it's me. Open the door!
What are you doing here?
- Where's my sister? - The store.
I'm making breakfast. You want some eggs?
Do I want some eggs?
Why don't you put your fucking pants on?
Let's have some coffee. Come on.
What the fuck, Rich? Mattress at the shelter a little lumpy?
We're adults, Tony. And we got history together.
- Israel and Palestine. - People change.
I was away a long time. I thought a lot about her.
Ten years? Some men look better than her.
Each his own, Tony. Each his own.
Don't think about moving in.
It was late. I slept over. We're taking it slow, okay?
- Picking up where we left off. - High school.
Blowjobs on my mother's couch.
Crossed the line on me once, Anthony.
And I held my tongue.
She may be your sister. But back the fuck off.
- All due respect. - Respect?
What do you know about respect?
I put you back in business, sucker.
Did you go see Beansie? Fucking paraplegic?
- Why don't you make him some eggs? - Hello!
Hey, I thought that was...
Why did you take out a loan?
- What? - You heard me.
What is it, his idea? Like you could pay it back?
I'm quite capable of getting a job, Tony.
With carpal tunnel syndrome? You'll hold a beggar's cup?
I never begged a day in my life.
Right. Fake disabilities don't count.
I applied for the loan because I'm trying to make this habitable for Ma.
I'll take care of the loan. Don't worry. I'll give you the money.
Look at this. Ozzie and fucking Harriet here.
That's beautiful. Stay as long as you like, Rich.
She's your fucking problem now.
This is a no-stopping zone, ma'am. The sign's right there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see it. I left my glasses at home.
You need to wear them for driving.
Now, into this mix comes Brenda's husband, Omar...
...who's just leaving the market with a bag of oranges.
What's the trouble here, officer?
- Your wife's getting a ticket. - Maybe I can change your mind.
What are you doing? You're dropping your oranges.
Very good, Chris. Great improv.
There we have it. Listen. Any questions?
Okay, then. Let's see what the pros have to teach us.
For next time...
Phil and Joanne.
Scene two, Barefoot in the Park.
Chris, Mitch and Cynthia.
Scenes six and seven...
...The Glass Menagerie. You are the Gentleman Caller.
Bob and Amy...
(CHATTERING)
(POP SONG PLAYING)
The breast milk. Un poco poco, little each eye.
He tells me nothing. Who's the zip, anyway?
He's a friend of ours. We'll talk later.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Come here.
You having a good time? Food's good, right?
Your home is spectacular. The television.
- The... - Satellite.
The AMC, Two Women is on. La Loren.
We don't even show this in Italy. Nobody care.
Tell them what your favorite TV program is.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
- PD Blue. - Garden State's a parking lot.
- Oh, look who it is. - Christopher, how you doing, man!
- What are you doing here? - I come. Tony make a party for me.
Furio, come here. I want you to meet somebody.
Scusa.
What the fuck? Is he on vacation?
Yeah, he saw a travel poster for sunny New Jersey.
He's with us now?
Mmm.
Guess I didn't get the memo.
Would you have read it if you got one?
Where the fuck you been? Did you talk to the tanning salon guy?
- He only had half. - Again?
If you ask me, it's that Chinese cunt he's married to.
- Bad influence. - She's a Filipino.
I wasn't sure what you wanted.
Send him a past-due note. What do you think?
All right, I'll take care of it.
You know...
You know what?
Leave it alone.
- You sure? - Yeah.
(DOORBELL)
- Carmela. - What do you want?
I brought some cookies, pignolis.
Our relative from the other side is here, I should pay respect.
What did you say about glass?
Collection, I said. I have one.
Know what I judge to be the trouble with you?
Inferiority complex. Know what that is?
That's what they call it when someone low-rates himself.
For instance, that clumping you thought was so awful in high school.
You gave up your education for a clump.
A little physical defect is what you have.
A little physical defect?
She's a gimp, for chrissake!
- You were doing so good. - It doesn't make any sense!
The guy's a player and he wants to fuck her?
Where does it say he's trying to fuck her?
- Please. - Maybe he is not.
You ever think that's why he's the "Gentleman Caller"?
- Maybe he's a gentleman. - He's a douche bag.
- So quit. - I'm not gonna quit.
Just get a different scene.
- I like you as an actor. - Joe Pesci or something.
"This is Jericho, cell leader of the SOS.
Let it be known from this day forth, lawlessness will not be tolerated."
Jimmy Hollywood. Come on!
Hey, Tony.
I'll be a few minutes. Fix something to drink.
What's up?
Guy named Danny Greco called for a loan. Said you'll vouch.
For Danny? Yeah. I told you Danny was good.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, at the steak house.
- Yeah. - A few minutes.
Since I'm here. Can I talk to you about something?
And it absolutely has to stay between the two of us.
On any fucking scale you wanna use, things are going good.
I'm firmly in charge, no trouble there. My family is healthy. Right?
So why am I ripping phones out of the wall in front of my kid?
And screaming at my sister, although she's unimportant to me.
Got a lot on your mind.
- Because I'm the boss? - Yeah.
(WOMAN) Herman, want a drink too?
That's the point.
You never saw Carlo or Lucky, or Douglas MacArthur...
...going around punching walls!
What if I said I saw a shrink?
I had an inkling.
Every once in a while, I get anxious...
...you know, just in general. No reason.
I'm in my kitchen. All of a sudden I can't breathe, right?
I'm suffocating. I get to the point where I pass out.
Hmph.
- Just like your father. - What is?
- He had the same thing. - He had anxiety attacks?
Well, in those days we called it a "condition."
Didn't happen often, once a year.
Holy shit.
He cracked his head open on a cigarette machine.
- Did he go to a doctor? - Your father? Are you kidding?
Wouldn't have mattered. They didn't know how to treat it.
They're not much better now.
There's an article in the Times. They got this machine.
It can see images of the brain and how it...
...responds to fear. Fear?
A person, listening to a tape of a parent criticizing...
...I'm talking about an adult...
...their fear center kicks right in. You can actually see it in an MRI.
I had this weird dream the other night...
With the polyps, they gave me an MRI.
I'm telling you, they used my ass to invent some new tests.
I was at the beach. But I had a suit on, and shoes too.
Camera up your ass the size of a garden hose.
- Want to hear this dream? - All right.
- Got a sec? - Sure, what's up?
It's my scene. Gentleman Caller guy. It's not me.
It's not supposed to be. That's why they call it acting.
I know, it's just... I'd rather do something else.
I spoke to, what's his name? Mitch.
- Cynthia too. They're cool with it. - All right.
Alan's partner dropped out, so I gotta find something for him.
Rebel Without A Cause.
- James Dean. - Copy it for the others.
Get comfortable with it.
- It's great. Cool. - I don't want a James Dean impression.
Yeah. No.
(IRINA) Poor ducks. Poor, poor creatures.
Poor creatures. You are such poor creatures. Yes.
Don't give them that shit!
They like it.
What'd I tell you? He's gonna choke!
Little pieces. They're hungry.
For fucking cheese doodles they're not!
They eat bread, corn, and shit like that.
- You know everything! - Yeah, I do.
Family of mallards lived in my pool for months!
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
You too.
Date an American, that's what you get.
I should introduce you to my brother.
If I wanted a factory worker, I would've stayed in Kazakhstan.
- What did he say? - Nothing.
Lot of fucking words for nothing.
He said, if I don't like to fight, I should find myself a Russian.
Tony, no!
Got a problem, besides those pants?!
- You shouldn't yell. - Oh, yeah?
Mind your business.
- I make business. She's nice. - Are you a counselor?
Want to get involved in problems?
- My testicles! - Now you're involved.
- These are balls, right? - Yes.
Do something! You wanted to be involved, now you are!
You let go! We'll call police.
Mind your business!
- You. We call police! - Fuck you!
Fuck!
Get your shit, we're going. Come on.
Move your ass!
Why do you always have to ruin everything?
Huh?
Just move your ass.
Help me, Daddy. Daddy.
You can depend on me, trust me. Whatever comes, we'll face together.
Fuck this shit! You said you weren't gonna laugh!
I didn't laugh. Baby, you were doing so good.
- Yeah, fuck this. - Christopher!
(TV BLARING)
Absolutely not. Do the work you were assigned.
How about where I'm scared...
...and dive out of the car before Buzz goes off the cliff?
- There's no dialogue in that scene. - The knife fight?
No. I already changed it once.
I gave you the scene because it's challenging.
This Russian fuck!
Lucky I didn't get hauled in.
It would've played great with Junior, and everybody else!
I have to run from my own leisure-time activities.
Mmm.
Carmela would've known who was on the boat.
- That's nothing new. Or my kids. - It happens, okay?
- What's wrong with me? - You got some kind of complex.
- What kind? - You know, sleep always helps.
- You wanna go to sleep? Go! - Hey!
- Jesus Christ! - Easy does it, laddie buck.
I was never good with my fist, but there was one guy.
- Almost drove me to murder. - Lately, I feel this...
...aversion to my swimming pool. Depresses me.
The sucker was a sound engineer at my studio.
Talked about Germany all the time.
I find myself avoiding the yard.
He wasn't a Nazi, he just rubbed me the wrong way.
One time I pulled into a parking lot...
...and he was two spots over...
...rotating his tires. Like it was a goddamn service station.
So, I said to him...
Straight back. Back as far as they could take me.
And then, it all dissolved.
Everything dissolved.
- That's it. That's the end. - Very good, Omar.
Just say "scene" when you're done, okay?
Chris, Mitch, Cynthia and...
...Alan. Our "rebels without causes."
Okay, so we are at the planetarium.
Alan is Jim's friend...
...Plato, who is about to get mistakenly shot by the police.
Mitch is his father.
And Cynthia is his troubled friend, Judy.
Shut the lights!
Make them go away! Keep away from me! I don't believe you anymore!
- Gunshot! - Jim!
- I got the bullets! Look! - Oh, God!
And the cops swarm in.
Let him alone! That's my son. When I saw the red jacket, I thought...
Hey, jerkpot, what'd you do that for?
You can't help it, son. You did everything a man could.
Help me, Daddy!
Dad, help me. Daddy!
You can depend on me. Trust me.
Whatever comes, we'll face it together.
It's okay, Jim. Stand up.
I'll stand up with you.
And I'll try to be as strong as you want me to be.
Poor baby got nobody. Just nobody.
(SOBBING)
He was always cold.
Dad. This is Judy. She's my friend.
Scene.
Un-freaking-believable!
God, you were really good.
Great job, Chris.
How'd you cry like that?
You wanna watch your ashes, please?
I'll be outside.
We should hit a Devil's game some night.
Still get tickets from the Greek?
- Right on the ice. - I'll bring my sweater.
Hey, chef of the future.
Have a seat.
- How you doing, Foodio? - "Furio."
You didn't stomp those grapes yourself?
Look at this group.
Hey, Mr. New York. What did you do, swim across that river?
- Come over here. Congratulations. - Thanks.
- Hey, don't get up. - I wasn't gonna.
- Piece of shit. - Say hello to Furio.
Friend of ours, from the other side.
- Oh, hey. I heard a lot about you. - Nice to meet you.
Yeah, me too. My pleasure. Sit down.
So, what's up?
Puss...
Wanna give us a minute?
- I'm in the middle of eating. - I know.
- Do me a favor, will you, sweetie? - Yes?
Keep this warm. Thank you.
Five minutes. All right?
I gotta make a call anyway.
- All these years were for nothing. - What'd I say?
You think Tony gives a fuck about you?
"This thing of ours." More like, "This thing of mine."
Same all over. Look out for number one.
You don't understand.
We go back. I mean, Silvio I get. But fucking Paulie?
He's dizzy from hair spray.
And this other one, the geep. Foolio. Foodio.
If ever there's a guy in desperate need of a nickname.
At least he's Italian. Try getting passed for a Samoan.
Sesaga. Three years out of Quantico, he's in charge.
You're kidding. What about Peterno?
Kansas City.
- Eleven years of this shit. - Like Tony says...
...most of the guys in this life, there's no honor.
You can't even depend on friends.
- Whole society's fucked. - No one's coming up.
Half of them are on drugs, the other half are psychos!
World full of scumbags.
I'm thinking about taking my patient back.
- It's a serious decision. - He's my responsibility.
Elliot, I abandoned him.
We've been over this. Your life was in danger.
Not anymore.
Do you realize what I did last week?
I stormed out of here like a child. Cursing, threatening, acting out.
That's exactly what he does to me.
I'm feeling so...
I don't know where this is coming from.
You mentioned you've put on a little weight...
...lately. Do you think...
...the overeating has to do with your patient?
- What is it you're not telling me? - I don't know.
I don't know what you mean.
- Okay. - I don't.
What are you driving at?
Just, watch your intake of sugar.
And sugar substitutes.
Okay.
You know, we spoke last time about childhood fascinations with danger.
I think seeing him again will be very therapeutic for me.
It's not supposed to be therapeutic for you. This is your therapy.
Do you have sexual feelings for him?
No.
I have feelings. On a personal level.
He can be such a little boy sometimes.
That's it. The one with the palm tree.
There's a buzzer under the desk.
An office in the back.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
All right, tell me again what I said.
It's not just Dominic who is the problem. It's the wife too.
Here.
May I help you?
What are you doing?
(SCREAMING)
Stop! Stop!
Ah.
What are you doing?! Stop!
(GUNSHOTS)
(SCREAMING)
No!
(SCREAMING)
No more! No!
- Please! Stop! - You greasy son of a... Goddamn you!
Fucking son of a bitch!
Cocksucker!
Oh, goddamn! I'll kill you...
No. You go. We pay money.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(CRYING)
(YELLING ITALIAN)
Goddamn son of a bitch!
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah? - It's Dr. Melfi.
- Yeah, so? - I tried your other number.
If you want, I could fit you in tomorrow at 2:30.
Should I put you down?
No, fuck it.
Why do you say that?
Getting by without it. There's no cure for life.
Well... You think about it.
- I'll keep the hour open. - Yeah.
"A".
"B".
"A"!
"B".
"A".
"B".
Outstanding!
A case in point: Words are only words.
You just saw two actors have an entire conversation saying only, "A"...
...and the other responding, "B."
Mitch, Christopher, you wanna give it a try?
- Come on, Chris! - Your girlfriend's gonna be pissed.
"A".
Stop it, Christopher!
This is inappropriate! We do not hit!
Come on! Knock it off!
OH, MY GOD...
Are you okay? Are you all right?
Ah!
My God, sorry.
I think it's broken.
We should get you to a doctor.
There's nothing they can do.
They tape it up and send you home. Been there.
I don't understand. The guy didn't say anything?
He didn't have to. That was the point of the whole exercise.
But he didn't flip you off. You said so yourself.
Maybe doing that scene brought up some bad feelings.
- What scene? - You know...
...where he was your father.
You said the class all clapped.
I was fucking acting.
I was better than Mitch. Even I knew that.
Maybe he reminded you of your father, and that's why you got so into it.
- Maybe that's why you hit him tonight. - My father?
Those feelings about how he died so young.
- Oh, fuck that. - Well, acting is mostly feelings.
Unless the actor is driving a car or fighting or something.
You want to write? Feelings is what it's all about.
Revealing your innermost feelings is the best writing.
How do you know what it's all about?
From writing orders at the restaurant?
Ow!
- Take it easy! - Your thing with scriptwriting...
...who else is behind you? Who knows about it?
I hated seeing you suffer with that writer's block.
When I saw the ad in the paper...
...I had to get it for your birthday.
I'm sorry.
Adrian, I'm sorry!
Are you still taking your medication?
Off and on.
You should either take it or don't take it. Okay?
In the coffee shop, you mentioned a panic attack...
...that led to an auto accident.
That seems like years ago.
You mean, you're so busy?
Or you mean you're angry with me for not agreeing to treat you?
I found out a little medical history.
My old man had the same thing.
Panic attacks, followed by passing out.
Cracked his head on a cigarette machine.
- Interesting. - Interesting?
That's it? You're not gonna send me for a fucking test?
Did you read the article in the Times?
Anthony, what is it you want to achieve here?
What do I want to achieve?
I want to stop passing out.
I want to stop fucking panicking.
I want to direct my power and anger against the people that deserve it.
- I want to be in total control. - There's no such thing.
- Of course there is. - Want to be a better leader?
Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
You know what? Fuck you.
You know who I am, and you know what I do. You called me.
Know where I was when you called?
I don't know.
At a whorehouse, while a guy working for me...
...was beating a guy that owes me money.
Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
How'd that make you feel?
Wished it was me in there.
Giving the beating or taking it?
(JAZZ SONG PLAYING)