(SOPRANOS THEME SONG)
(CAR HONKING)
(LOUD SCRAPING)
(FEMALE) Oh, my God.
(MALE) What did you freak out for?
Holy shit!
- How you doing? - Hey, how's it going?
How you doing?
How's your broccoli?
Adriana, this is my cousin Gregory, the ambulance chaser.
This is my fiancée, Amy Safir.
Pleasure to finally meet you in person.
Greg gives me updates on his New York cousin.
We're from Jersey.
My apologies. That's the redeye talking.
Your earrings are so excellent.
Thank you.
- How was your flight? - Fine, good.
Morgan Stanley's night out.
Christopher said you're shooting a movie. Must be interesting.
This is the first project I brought in to Jon.
- Who's Jon? - Jon Favreau.
She's head of development. I told you.
You said Tarantino.
I worked for Quentin. He's still a friend.
Anyway, Favreau snapped her right up.
That movie he did, Swingers...
...Vince Vaughn is so cute!
So, Christopher, how goes the screenplay?
It's one of the best I've ever read.
Fucking-A!
Hey, easy, okay?
What's he like?
Funny, smart, totally accessible. You guys should come visit the set.
- No, I meant Vince Vaughn. - Great, great. A friend.
So, when do we get to read this opus?
I flushed it long ago.
Remember what I told you on the phone, mob stories are always hot.
You should keep your mouth shut.
What do you do, Adriana?
Well, right now I'm in the food service industry.
(ADRIANA) Christopher.
- You, get up. - Who? Me?
What does he want?
Hey, bridge-and-tunnel boy, chill out.
Guys, let's go to Tribeca Grill. It's cooler.
- It's better. - Why are we leaving?
Just do it.
She seemed so down-to-earth for a Hollywood person.
What's with those clothes? She in The Addams Family?
That's Prada!
If I was Greg, I wouldn't allow it.
You look like a woman, not a bellhop.
Jon Favreau, he's great!
He's also a writer. You should show him your script.
Swingers?
He can suck my dick. That swings too.
Jeez.
Well, that acting class really rubbed you the wrong way.
I love movies, but I just want to be a player.
I don't want to fuck with the other shit.
So? Be a player.
We'll go to the set, she invited us.
Slip them your script.
That's what they call it, "Slippin' the script."
Who knows, you know?
Would it be so frigging horrible to attend a premiere?
I don't even have the thing. I threw it away.
What?
You have a copy?
- I told you, I'm not interested. - I believe in you.
(ENGINE STARTING)
It wasn't my fault.
You stole my car.
Where's the trust?
When I get confirmed, I'll be a man. So why can't I drive?
You want to get into this?
Who's that man we picked up at camp last year for bed-wetting?
- That was two years ago. - You could have killed those girls.
- That would have been interesting. - What did you just say?
Death shows the ultimate absurdity of life.
Are you trying to get me to lose my temper?
I'm about to put you through that window.
See, that's what I mean.
Life is absurd.
Don't say that!
God forgive you!
There is no God.
- Hey! - Hey!
Where is this coming from?
What, do they teach you this crap at school?
Is this this new English teacher, Mr. Clark?
Where is he from?
- Answer me! - Oberlin.
Want him to read something other than Hustler?
Hello? He got assigned The Stranger.
You want him to be educated just to make more money?
This is education.
Do you ever think, like, "Why were we born?"
Madame de Staël said, "In life one must choose between boredom and suffering."
Go to your room.
No, I'm serious. Why were we born?
We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why.
Now go upstairs and do your math.
Algebra? That's the most boring.
Your other choice is suffering. You want to start now?
Move your ass!
Jesus Christ, let me think.
You wake me up...
...my head's all cobwebs.
Wyczchuk, Wyczchuk.
Waldemar Wyczchuk, you had lobster fra diavolo with him...
...in Atlantic City, on the 14th of this month.
He got blown up? Fuck.
We're not trying to pin this on Soprano or anybody in your crew.
We're drawing no conclusions. But what do you got?
- If I had coffee... - Cut the quips.
Tell me about the merger!
What's to say? Philadelphia's put pressure on the shy business?
That's been going on since Moses wore short pants.
Tony's still resisting the Philly overtures?
Sometimes you don't act like a guy facing 30-to-life for selling H.
Don't get heavy with me.
You come here because somebody's leaning on you?
Eight o'clock a.m. you come here?
You know what this looks like? I'm doing all I can to help you guys.
One time Tony bought a pool table from Wyczchuk.
So he asks me:
"If there's no God, why was I born?" Tells me he's got no purpose.
How did you answer?
That it costs $150,000 to bring him up...
...so if he's got no purpose, I want a refund.
Are you angry with him about the car?
You can't put shit back in the donkey. Boys'll be boys. It's the other crap.
It's not normal.
Adolescent angst is very normal.
You never went through it?
You think my mother and father would stand for that?
How is your mother?
She's dead to me.
And how's Anthony Jr. been taking it?
What? About the family?
About your nonrelationship with his grandmother?
How's he supposed to understand that?
And in general the whole strain of the atmosphere in your house?
But that don't give him the right to mouth off.
Sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
- Fucking Internet. - No, it's a European philosophy.
After World War II...
...people were disillusioned by the sheer weight of the horrors.
That's when the whole idea took root that there were no absolute truths.
- You believe that? - In your family...
...even motherhood's up for debate.
I teach him to love and respect his mother.
What about your mother?
I think it's important we talk about your mother and what she tried to do.
Don't need to.
She showed her true colors, that's all.
Has Anthony Jr. heard you say, "She's dead to me"?
I don't know.
Don't you think that kind of talk could lead him to embrace these ideas?
- So now this is my fault? - No.
When some people first realize they're solely responsible...
...for their decisions, actions and beliefs...
...and that death lies at the end of every road...
...they can be overcome with intense dread.
Intense dread?
A dull, aching anger...
...that leads them to conclude that the only absolute truth...
...is death.
I think the kid's onto something.
Ready to go? Okay, pictures up!
- Lock up! - Here we go!
They're ready to roll.
Stand by to roll. Quiet, please! Roll sound!
- We are rolling! - Camera!
Smoke out! Cameras rolling!
And... action!
My leg. I think it's broken.
- Okay, cut! - That's a cut!
- Check the gate. - Check the gate.
- Camera reloading. - Michele, can I talk to you?
- Come on. - Holy shit, that's...
She was in Kings of Comedy.
The other one too. That movie my girlfriend likes with Uma.
What's her name?
Jon, this is Christopher.
How's it going?
It's a treat. Swingers kicked ass.
Thanks. Thank you.
Thanks for coming, I appreciate it. Seriously.
What were you doing before writing for Los Angeles?
Jon, this is Christopher.
I'm sorry... There's a guy from Los Angeles Magazine...
...doing a story on my favorite place for breakfast.
But you're...
...the guy from Jersey, right?
Cool. Very, very cool.
Michele Foreman, our director...
...she's from Jersey. You see her first picture?
She's a director?
Beautiful film. Won the Audience Award at Sundance.
It was also hilariously funny.
This lesbian, romantic, screwball comedy.
This one's mainstream. It's about spies.
So we're getting ready to shoot the last scene...
...and this is where the two lesbians, the lovers, they die.
- Janeane, her character's "Zephyr"... - That's her fucking name.
Janeane Garofalo.
So she's been chasing "Gina," Sandra, all around the country.
- Gina? - Gina Shecter, from Brooklyn.
The character. They ended up in SoHo, had a standoff and shot each other.
Picture's up. Let's lock up! Quiet, please!
- Excuse me. - And smoke.
Stand by to roll. Quiet, please.
The silencers underscore their voiceless place in society.
Camera rolling!
Rolling!
- Smoke out! - Quiet!
We're rolling!
Cameras rolling!
- And spin the wheel! - Spin it! Spin it!
And... action!
I never had an egg cream.
They're not coming for either one of us.
You live your whole life in a place...
...and never taste what it's famous for.
Couldn't hear the shots with this thing.
There's a place on St. Mark's...
It's over, you bitch.
Don't do it.
Michele! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can we cut for a second?
- Cut! - Are we really gonna say "bitch"?
- You don't like it? - We discussed it. We're losing light.
It's the last thing she says to me. I don't find it very interesting...
Should you shoot her again?
Wait a minute.
I don't think shooting's right. Her strength is her passivity.
- Whose passivity? - Zephyr.
- Yeah, in this case. - In this case.
I think he's right, Janeane.
Throughout the piece, you've got testes to burn.
Well, is there anything other than "bitch"?
Pucchiacca.
- What? - Let that one...
...call that one "pucchiacca."
That sounds more interesting.
Bouk... what?
Pucchiacca. I mean, if she's from Brooklyn...
That sounds okay.
Okay, let's roll.
- What's it mean? - Cunt.
"Cunt." I like that.
Picture's up. Lock up!
- Stand by to roll! - Quiet!
Roll sound!
Camera's rolling.
- We are rolling! - Quiet!
We have feed.
- Smoke! - Take three.
Smoke line in!
- We're rolling! - Quiet!
- Rolling! - Smoke out!
- Marker! - Set.
And... action!
- All right, what's going on with you? - Nothing.
Nothing.
That "No God" shit upset your mother very much.
It's not "No God." It's just, God is dead.
Who said that?
Nietzsche. He's a 19th century philosopher from Germany.
That's why I'm not getting confirmed.
Enough with that shit. It's this weekend and you're getting confirmed!
- That sucks my nut! - Hey!
You got balls. You go to Catholic school and your mother wants it!
What does she know?
That even if God's dead, you'll still kiss his ass.
Hey!
- Hey, Joey. - Chris, how's it going?
- Coke and a slice. - Coming up.
The best pie in North Jersey. What do you want? It's taken care of.
- Same. Coke and a slice. - Coke and a slice.
You got it.
That laundromat across the street?
That's where Joe's Restaurant used to be. Willie Moretti bought it there.
Wait, Moretti was... That was Sinatra's guardian angel, right?
Stuck his gun in Tommy Dorsey's mouth and bought Sinatra's contract for $1.
The inspiration for Johnny Fontane and the studio boss in GF I, right?
Right.
That's the one beef I had with Swingers.
You patterned yourself after Frank and Dean but there was a...
..."pussy-assness" to it.
It was kind of the point of the piece. I mean, it's like...
So you brought us your script.
- Yeah, but... - Let's see it.
No, you're Jon Favreau.
Rocky Marciano, Deep Impact, Swingers.
Your script is set in a world I want to do my next project in.
A picture on the life of "Crazy" Joe Gallo.
They already did The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.
But I see him as tragic.
A flawed and blinkered guy, but he wanted to learn, to grow...
...to read, to paint.
He had this yearning, this hunger for...
Fuck your mother, what's the word?
You as Joey Gallo? I don't see that.
But I'm part Italian.
Vince, maybe. Vaughn.
This project happens to be a personal passion of mine.
I could play Joey Gallo but I don't want to act unless I can play myself.
Which is understandable.
Since Amy mentioned you, I thought we could work together.
You could tell me how shit goes down, what makes sense...
...what people really say.
But Gallo, I was only 3 when he got whacked.
But speech patterns. You saw Swingers.
Whatever you think of it...
...you can tell it's important to me how people really talk.
Like pucchiacca. How can I forget that? I grew up right in Queens.
It is a long time ago.
You wouldn't be betraying any oath thing.
Holy fucking shit! That thing is still alive?
You believe that 15 years ago she was a piece of ass?
- What? - What happened?
Forget it.
Come on. It's just us talking here.
A wiseguy friend of mine would kill me if he knew I told you.
This made guy...
...got the most discriminating eye when it comes to T and A.
He's at a club one night and this broad's all over him.
And she's got a really nice body, she's horny as hell.
So they step outside, walk over to this picnic ground...
...she starts blowing him next to this swing set.
He's about to shoot his load, reaches down to start fingering...
...undoes the skirt, reaches in, grabs hold of a goddamn prick.
- Jesus Christ. - Crying Game.
This is a true story.
My friend can't let it get out...
...and wants to humiliate the freak as much as he was.
So he gets this fucking acid. Burns everything.
He pours it on her arms, on her face, everywhere.
Her prick.
That's one bad motherfucker.
That's how good this broad looked. Had my friend totally fooled.
She had to get a glass eye.
(HONKING)
Look who's here!
You can't say hello to your uncle?
Hey, Uncle Pussy.
Look what my friend did to Carmela's car.
What were you thinking?
You gotta learn to respect the value of things. This is your property.
Here, go get a soda.
- Longest ride of my life. - What's the matter?
He used to be happy-go-lucky. Now he's moody, questions the universe.
Like father, like son.
Fuck you, I'm serious.
You're his confirmation sponsor. Do something.
All right. But 13, 14, they start getting broody.
It's getting so I don't want to be with him.
Use a belt if you gotta.
He's bombing in school. He got a C, 3 D's and an F.
Madonna, look at him.
Anthony, how you making out in school?
I got a C, 3 D's and an F.
(POP SONG ON TV)
Hey.
- Where you been? - I was hanging out with Jon.
- Izzacupo? - Favreau.
You were?
- You went to the set? - Yeah.
Why didn't you call?
We were only there a half-hour, then they wanted a tour of Jersey.
They did?
What?
Vince Vaughn didn't come down there!
- Elbow up. Keep it straight. - Coach is having me pull.
Fuck him. My son don't hit sacrifice flies.
You're up next.
No, I just want to watch.
Snap out of this, Anthony.
Come on, it's fun.
Yeah, I know. I just don't feel like it.
Sometimes you gotta do things you don't want.
Why?
Because your parents say so, and it's tradition.
- Baseball's not my tradition. - Hell it ain't.
Your dad in high school, was almost All-County Left Field.
But I'm not talking about that. It's about your confirmation.
I don't want to get confirmed.
- Why not? - Don't matter why not.
You're looking for purpose. Doing what's right is your purpose.
- Not according to Nietzsche. - Who?
Nietzsche.
Let me tell you something.
Nietzsche wound up talking to his horse.
And I know what you're gonna tell me: Sartre, right?
Well, Sartre was a fucking fraud.
He copped it all from Husserl and Heidegger.
Go on.
You should start at the beginning.
Take a look at Kierkegaard.
Whatever.
Kierkegaard said, "Every duty is essentially duty to God."
"Nigga, be a leader not a follower."
- What? - Master P said that.
You still listen to rap?
Why?
It's just all about marketing now.
Welcome to SoHo Grand.
I'm here to see Jon Favreau.
One moment, please.
- Who may I say is calling? - Jerry from Newark.
He's expecting me.
I'm sorry. He's requested not to be disturbed.
Tell him his 2 p.m. is waiting.
He has his telephone programmed so as to not be disturbed.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon!
Would you care to leave a message?
Would you see if Amy Safir's in?
Hey! What are you doing here?
I was gonna meet Jon about my script but the "Do not disturb" sign is up.
Shooting went very late. We didn't wrap until 5:30. Come on in.
I brought him Jersey's best "sangweech." Best in the world.
That was very nice.
- You want it? - No, thanks. I brushed my teeth.
Here, have a seat. Want some coffee?
No, I can't stay. I got some business to take care of.
If they ever knew I was into this...
What I'm saying is, this kind of thing is unacceptable where I come from.
- You know if he read my script yet? - I have your script.
- What? - Jon asked me to read it.
Don't take it personally. It's the process.
Billy Bob wrote something for Jon and he had me read it first.
Hello?
Hey, honey. Your cousin's here.
That's right, the screenwriter.
Gregory says, "Go fuck yourself."
Union Square Cafe?
All right, I'll see you there.
So, what did you think?
- About what? - My script!
I love movies. I started with dialogue...
...but then you gotta find conflict and tell the story in picture arcs.
I think it's got some real heart. Some good, raw emotion in it.
You should try and finish it.
Yeah, I hit a fucking wall. Third act shit.
Vicki King in 21 Days to How to Write A Movie in...
...says that's not uncommon.
These aren't third act problems, they're in the second act.
Get the fuck out.
See, you ended right here in the middle of page 83.
Yeah, this sentence could have gone either way.
When Frankie says, "I don't know whether to shit or go blind"...
...he's at a crossroads. He doesn't know.
But that's an expression, right? Like, a joke, "Shit or go blind."
No, because later on his father gets cancer of the eye, what's it called?
Glaucoma or whatever?
Runs in the family. They have to get him a guide dog.
Oh.
But the third act starts at page 90.
I'm not at the third act yet?
Your inciting incident happens on page 12. It should be on 3.
I knew that arc shit fucked me up.
I tried making it three dimensions...
Here. Sit. I'll show you.
Okay.
See, I was thinking...
...if you take the scene where Rocco is fucking the two Asian strippers...
- That's a plot point. - I know.
But my question is, what's at stake?
- The jeopardy's unclear. - What jeopardy?
There's a seven-part hierarchy of human needs...
...that explains and clarifies what drives us.
Starting with the basic needs...
...like food and water.
So you like my script?
It's very good, Christopher.
You want me to tell you all seven?
Seven what?
- The human needs. - Yeah.
- Survival. - Yeah.
- Safety and security. - Yeah.
The need to understand.
Hi, Grandma.
Grandma?
Who is it?
You woke me.
It's me, Anthony Jr.
I didn't know I had a grandson.
I miss you.
Yeah, you should. You never come see me.
I've been busy.
Everybody's busy!
And don't lie to me.
I know your father forbids your coming down here.
He doesn't. He just doesn't want us talking about you.
Well, he can go shit in his hat.
He's mad at me right now.
I shouldn't use that kind of talk.
Don't let me ever catch you talking that way.
Now, what did you do bad?
My dad doesn't like my attitude.
So Uncle Pussy said I should come down and talk to you...
...because you're old and have wisdom and stuff.
His mother's another one.
Well, what did you do?
I took Mom's car out and it got wrecked.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- Was it bad? - Uncle Pussy already fixed it.
- Did you wear your safety belt? - Yeah.
Because there was an article in the paper the other day...
...about a bunch of teenagers from out near the Delaware Water Gap.
They overcrowded their car, it hit a tree...
...and it incinerated.
And they got trapped.
People could hear them screaming. They couldn't get out.
The safety belts did it. Buckled them in.
See, that's what I mean. What's the purpose?
- Of what? - Of being.
Here on our planet.
The Earth.
I mean, those kids were dead meat.
What's the use? What's the purpose?
Why does everything have to have a purpose?
The world is a jungle!
And if you want my advice, Anthony, don't expect happiness.
You won't get it, people let you down...
...and I'm not naming any names...
...but in the end, you die in your own arms.
You mean...
...alone?
It's all a big nothing. What makes you think you're so special?
I guess I won't order us any espresso.
I took an acting class once.
Oh, yeah? How'd that go for you?
- But I didn't need it. - Oh, yeah.
I figured out as far as movies, I'll be a player, not an actor.
That's smart, man. Like Bugsy.
That was another thing that blew about Swingers.
- The acting? - Know what was good acting?
Hanks! Private Ryan.
"Earn it."
It's unfair to compare the two. One is soldiers dying at Normandy...
...the other is guys looking for blowjobs in Vegas.
Yeah, well, you made the movie.
So...
Listen, you mind if I ask you something?
Are you strapped right now?
Strapped?
Yeah.
Fuck!
Jesus-fucking-Christ, watch out, man!
Holy fuck!
Can I ask you something else?
That's what I'm here for.
It will not leave this room, I swear.
Have you ever?
Have I ever what?
- Come on, you know. - No, what?
I'm not gonna answer unless you ask.
No, that's cool, man. I'm sorry.
- You can ask me. - No, that's cool.
Oh, come on. Come on, Rocky.
Come on, Rocky, ask me. Did I what? Have I ever what?
- Nothing, man. - Come on. What?
Just take it back.
This?
- Come on, you're money! - I think the safety's off!
- Cut it out! - Come on, you're money.
Here we go, you're money.
- Did I ever what? - Stop!
- Did I ever what? - Just stop!
It's not cool, man. I got dialogue tomorrow.
My voice gets scratchy. It's not cool.
So, what did you think of my script?
Well, you know Franky?
Yeah, I know Franky. He's my fucking leading man.
He's kind of like a contradictory character.
In a good way. You know, like complex.
- Should he wear the taps on his shoes? - I was gonna ask you.
They sound cool. They're his trademark.
But in the hit they'll hear him on the roof.
Right, that's a problem.
But what I was thinking was...
...in this script, in all scripts really...
...it begs to show more of the author in it.
Your life, your vision.
The roof is soft tar!
That'll work.
The roof is soft tar!
Okay.
And the father could go blind sooner...
...and then he could smell the tar on Franky's shoes...
...and then he knows that his son's the killer.
Holy fuck! That's fucking great!
Then he's gotta put one in his old man's head!
Blam! Then another one! Blam!
Fucking brilliant.
I spent all day with my friend picking out her bridesmaid's dresses.
I haven't found anything for the confirmation.
With all the flowers coming into bloom, I'd love to be a June bride.
Here's your June groom.
Come on.
Sorry I'm late.
I ordered you pasta fagiol and we'll get an antipasto to share.
They got some rare imported salami.
- You feel okay, Christopher? - I'm fine.
We were discussing Anna's wedding.
- What about you? - What about who?
Make it a double wedding.
First someone has to propose.
Has Anna chosen her caterer yet?
- She got Villa de Roma. - Good.
I think Caravaggio's is slipping.
- They fired the produce guy. - Enough!
I am so sick of hearing you people talk about food!
All anybody talks about is prosciutto, cheese and beans!
I'm drowning here!
- Christ, take it easy! - We're not even engaged!
When you're married you'll understand the importance!
Fuck the importance.
Oh!
He didn't mean that.
Fuck him. I tried so hard to be supportive with his art...
...and with getting his screenplay made.
His screenplay?
Any updates on Wyczchuk?
- I'm on it. Nothing's doing. - We're wiring you for the confirmation.
You think I'm wearing a wire in God's house?
Yes. We don't care about the service but the party after, at Tony's.
You motherfuck, I'm the kid's sponsor!
Well, who the fuck is sponsoring you, motherfucker?
Sir, I don't want to tell you again, this is a smoke-free environment.
Yo, Amy.
Hey, you.
What a nice surprise.
Yeah, I was in the neighborhood.
Where were you?
I was at the big Chloé party.
Sat across from Alphonse D'Amato.
God, these things are killing me.
I was thinking we could stop down at Umberto's.
Excellent. I'll just change real quick.
I like those.
Manolo Blahnik.
Let me see.
- What, these? - Come here.
- You want to see these. - Yeah.
You want to see my shoes?
- You can look but you can't touch. - I can't touch?
So, what did your father do?
Was he a movie producer?
He's a neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai.
- Is this question-and-answer hour? - I want to know about you.
I'm not usually an open person.
Your old man didn't press you to become a doctor like him?
- I was premed at Yale freshman year. - Fucking Yale.
I swear, you Jews have your own Cosa Nostra hidden in that Ivy League.
That's very funny.
Very imagistic.
Thank you.
So...
...that guy in the club the other night, what'd you say to him?
That's for me to know.
Did you make him an offer he couldn't refuse?
- Nothing. - Come on.
I told him, "Be a good boy and I'll let this girl blow you afterwards."
Ever been with a member of The Tribe before?
- Yeah. - Really?
You think I discriminate? I'm PC.
- No, you haven't. - Why do you ask if you think you know?
- When? - I don't fuck and tell.
When?
Two nights ago.
You ever shag another skinny guinea?
Oh, fuck!
Fuck me!
How are we gonna tell him?
Amy, don't do this now.
- We'll figure something out. - I'm not a bad person.
Amy, get back here!
Shit.
Amy, listen.
"Long shot. A nightclub.
Not just any nightclub.
Cut to close-up on the letter C...
...then an O then a P."
You're not supposed to be reading that.
It's a limited distribution, numbered draft.
"Pull back to reveal...
...this is the Copacabana. Inside it's all fun and games...
...as mobsters wine and dine their beautiful goomars." Jesus!
You can see it! You can see the movie from the words!
This is the way you write a script!
Fucking shit!
(KNOCKING)
Hey! Come out of there!
He used it! Because he gave me that tar idea?
I could have come up with that!
- What? - The friend of mine...
...stone wiseguy. Jon used his whole fucking story!
The she-male and the acid!
This is Joey Cippolini's fucking story!
There's no character Cippolini.
He can't put that in there!
It's not the same at all.
- What are you talking about? - Your friend was at a swing set.
This guy is at the Statue of Liberty.
Don't you understand where I'm from? I explained it!
Where are you going?
We can't take it out. We faxed it to Oliver who's agreed to be attached.
It's his favorite thing.
Don't, he's sleeping! Come on, how mad could your friend get?
- 1204 checked out. - Where is he?
This is so absurd of you to get so bent out of shape!
- Production pass? - I've been on set before.
- I still need to see your pass. - I know Jon.
This is a closed set. No visitors, no press, no friends of Jon.
Hey!
- Hey, pucchiacca! - Hi.
- Where's Jon? - He left this morning for L.A.
- Fucking, cocksucking, mezzo finocchio! - What does that mean?
You got more stuff like that I can use?
The confirmation starts in an hour.
Would you let me in? I need to put my face on.
You've been in there all week!
I'm shaving!
I don't want you coming in!
The only goddamn mirror with any good light is in there!
- Here's your fucking mirror! - Fuck! Jesus!
Don't open that fucking door!
Shit.
What the fuck!
I'll kill you, you fucking bitch!
- I'll kill you! - Let go of me!
- I'll kill you! - Dad!
Jesus Christ! What the fuck's with you?
What, are you bleeding?
He'll be with you shortly. May I get you a water?
No, thank you.
Wow, Robert Rodriquez has signed on to do a remake of Viva Zapata!
...with Harvey and Bob.
- You don't return my fucking messages? - Christopher, this is so not cool.
You listen to me now, you stupid bitch! You cannot use that story.
This is neither the time nor the place.
- What, you want to see me clipped? - Have you touched base with Jon?
I spoke to his jerk-off assistant...
...she said I should take it up with you.
I'm sorry. I don't even know who that would be, that assistant.
- Are you here to see...? - Get the fuck out!
Look, I'm flying into L.A. this afternoon. We'll touch base.
You were just gonna leave?
What are you talking about?
My script.
Based on Mickey Blue Eyes' first weekend foreign...
...there's a wait-and-see attitude on Mafia projects. We'll have to pass.
Did Jon say that? Are those his words?
I speak for Jon and if you let me finish...
...we assure you we'll look at anything else you write.
- You're good. - Christopher...
Fucking Walnuts don't lie as good as you.
Amy.
David's ready to see you. Right this way.
Chris, it was wrong with us...
...and Greg...
...and all that.
I really liked you.
This is getting kind of William Inge here.
I gotta go.
You fucking D-girl!
Excuse me?
Excuse me, I'm a vice president...
...you fucking asshole.
Thanks for coming.
Hey! There they are!
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Kid did good up at the altar.
Sabenedic'.
(DOORBELL)
- Were you proud of him? - Oh, yeah.
- Where's Carm? - In the kitchen.
- Ange! - Some place you got here.
Hey, Richie. Have a drink.
Fucking resorts international.
Hey, little brother.
No, the bar's down the hall.
Over there.
Oh, and we count the silverware.
Hi. I'm Janice Soprano.
- Janice now? - I don't know.
Listen, I heard we won't be bothered anymore from our neighbor Wyczchuk.
- No neighbor of mine. - What did you hear on that?
Tony, we're out of ice.
All right.
(COUGHING)
Here.
- Give it to me. - Hey, give me a hit.
Oh, shit.
You two, get out of here.
We also need some more Cokes and...
What's that smell?
What kind of animal smokes marijuana at his own confirmation?
- I don't know. - Enough with, "I don't know"!
Why yell at me? Even Grandma says the world has no purpose.
Get inside right now and join your guests.
Be a good Catholic for 15 fucking minutes! Is that so much to ask?
- What happened? What's the matter? - You don't want to know.
Fucking kid's in the garage getting high.
All right, let me talk to him.
Anthony.
Go away.
No. I'm your sponsor.
We need to talk. You need to listen.
You see your parents as these great big dictators. These disciplinarians.
But I know your Dad from when he was younger than you.
What difference does it make?
Listen to me, all right?
You listening?
Yeah.
I know him.
I was 16 years old and my kid sister, Nucci...
...she had the spinal meningitis...
...and she got to a point where she couldn't breathe.
- She was real sick? - Yeah.
And she was in the hospital, and your father, he was the only one...
...he came with me every day.
He sat by her bed. He looked at her drawings.
He watched her when I had to use the john or get something to eat.
I was waiting for a hamburger when she passed away.
- She died, huh? - Yeah.
See, you know what really pisses me off about my dad?
He did all these great things then.
Before he was my dad.
Now he's just an asshole.
Hey! Hey!
Listen to me.
Your father would catch a bullet for you. Don't you forget that.
He's a standup guy.
I don't know.
Not to me, he's not.
Well, I do know. And I know what kind of a man he is.
Don't ever forget it.
Uncle Pussy? What's the matter?
Nothing.
Now go enjoy your party.
Make your parents happy. You got your health, your family...
...enjoy it while you can. While you got it all in your hand.
Come here.
Give Uncle Pussy a hug.
And get out of here.
Hey.
Hey, he's down there.
Where the fuck you been?
It's for AJ.
I got one son and you miss his confirmation?
I figure with all my sins I don't want the Church caving in.
Hey!
On the fucking rag again.
I'm on the rag. She's wondering who the fuck you are.
No lectures. I'm not in the mood.
I agree.
I'm gonna go back and be with my guests.
In 10 minutes I'll look up.
If you're gone, I'll assume you went to look for what's calling you...
...and that I will never see you again.
If you're here, I'll assume you have no other desire but to be with me...
...and your actions will show it every fucking second of every fucking day.
Now you understand me?
(DOOR BELL)
Don't answer me.
Take the 10 minutes.
You think about it.
Hey, you!
Come here.
Come on, let's take the picture.
(ITALIAN OPERA PLAYING)
Let's get the picture.
- AJ, come on. - Over there.
Wait a minute, where's Pussy?
Yeah, where's the godfather?
(SOBBING)
(ITALIAN OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)