(SOPRANOS THEME SONG)
Anybody home?
Hello?
(TONY SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY)
- What's this? - What's this?
Oh, my God. Tony.
Here, allow me.
(LAUGHS)
Happy birthday.
Ohhh.
Opps.
What?
- Look at the ring your father gave me. - I already saw it.
I was gonna wrap it, but it's wasteful.
Thank you, young man.
The Matrix. l haven't seen it yet.
Right up her alley.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hello?
Happy birthday, Mama.
What are you doing here?
- Nice to see you too. - Sorry, I'm just surprised to see you.
See what your father got me?
Big ring.
- Happy birthday. - Oh, my God. So many gifts.
"A day of pampering at the Bella Donna Day Spa."
It's in Soho. It's awesome. Massage, mud treatment, everything.
We can go together. I put it on your credit card.
- Twelve years. This club was nothing. - Give him a drink.
- What do you drink, Rocco? - Johnny Black.
- This place was a shithole. - You could use some help.
- Make this place into 21st century. - Yeah, it's permanently 1987 in here.
Goddamn Vikings.
Nobody misses the extra point.
That's all he had to do. One little kick and now I'm ruined?
No bitch to me.
Bet with your head, no over it.
You're still a partner. You got a problem?
- One, two, three. - Happy birthday
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
- Did you invite a stray dog? - You short of food?
- Sorry I'm late. - We didn't know you were coming.
- Meadow said it's Carmela's birthday. - It's nice of you.
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. DeAngelis. - Jackie.
- Have you heard the good news? - We met Thanksgiving.
- Happy birthday. - You didn't have to.
I'll put it on ice in a minute. Thank you, sir.
Come on. The wax is melting here.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, Carmela
Happy birthday to you
I heard you got made defensive captain.
I have two recovered fumbles. Almost scored with one.
Excellent. I played linebacker for Boonton. I was All County.
- Wow. - Maybe we could work out together.
Sure. You should come to the game Tuesday. It's the last one.
- We were supposed to play last month. - I'll be there.
I wanna come too. My brother's football game.
No champagne. The Lord doesn't want us to drink.
- Didn't Jesus drink wine? - He was Jesus. We can't compare.
Who invented these things?
Mom, can I sleep at Egon's if I'm in bed by 1?
I got one for you for when you're at the market.
Lights out by 1, in bed by 12.
Be careful.
- I smell fish. - We're near the ocean.
Now I smell piss.
Okay.
- What? - It's yours.
What is?
The Lollipop in Long Branch. This is your club.
I'm a partner here, me and Furio. We'll be silent.
You'll be the owner/manager.
You book the bands, find the talent, whatever you want to do. It's yours.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
You'll make this place the biggest Jersey club since the Stoned Pony.
Thank you, Christopher. I'm so excited.
- Can we change the name? - Whatever you want, baby.
This is Rocco. He works for you.
The ring looks beautiful on you.
It is gorgeous.
- Anything you need to tell me? - About the ring?
I don't know.
- You didn't buy that little car. - The Mercedes?
- I'd look like a douche bag. - Jean calls those mid-life crisis cars.
What the fuck does she know?
- Is this 1726 Pearl Avenue? - No.
- Is Pearl Avenue in this neighborhood? - L don't know.
Do you know a man by the name of La Fong?
Hello? Hey, Ro.
No, Jackie took Meadow to the movies.
He said not late.
All right. Fine.
What?
I'm not thrilled about this thing with Jackie and Meadow.
I think she came home so they could go out.
So what? He's a good kid. Comes from good stock.
He's on his best behavior. I don't picture Meadow with someone like him.
Someone like him?
He's one of us.
Were you happy when she was with Jamal Ginsberg, the Hasidic homeboy?
Scraped through that by the skin of our ass.
I just don't want her to miss any opportunities.
She should be at the museum in her free time.
Not watching TV.
You'd rather she look at soup cans than be close to home?
I don't know.
Well, you talk to her, and I'll talk to Jackie Jr.
Here's your Edgar Allan Poe paper.
- You did it already? - No problem.
Thanks.
I would've done it. I was gonna do it. I just couldn't get through the books.
I never should've took Literature of Obsession.
I owe you big time.
Thanks.
- How can I repay you? - I don't know.
Why don't you surprise me?
On your mark, get set, go!
- I kicked your ass. - You cheat.
Oh, my eye.
There's too much chlorine. I swallowed some water.
- You girls see me? - Yeah, you were cheating.
I'm fucking starving.
Hey, guys! We got Mr. Goodwin's office open. Check it out.
Let's go for it.
Hey, everybody.
Shit!
All right! Come on, let's go!
Don't cut your feet!
- Hey, it's Sunday morning and... - Good morning.
- Hello. - Morning.
- Did Jackie call? - He's with your brother.
So I've been thinking about a car.
- I knew I'd get hit up on this trip. - You buy sapphires...
but a student has to take the bus?
What do you need a car for?
It'd be nice to hop in a car and come have dinner with you.
They steal cars in New York. Parking is impossible...
- The bus gets you here in 45 minutes. - I'm not asking for anything fancy.
- Could've had a car last year. - Eric's car? Is that a sick joke?
His father's now in a mental health facility.
See how this semester goes. You have a lot of work to do.
Concentrate on that.
I am concentrating on that! Christ, you're a broken record!
- Take it down a notch. - God.
We wanna make sure you take advantage of all the city offers.
Culturally, socially...
educationally.
Right before the snap, the ball is still.
But the qb's eyes can tell you whether he'll pass or hand it off.
It happens in a split second. But you can learn what his habits are.
Once you know these habits, he's fucked.
Hey.
Good morning.
- A.J., try what I told you. - I will. Thanks, Jackie.
The wall of pride. What kind of animals...?
They didn't steal anything. They just did a number on the place.
They left this.
You make this pizza?
- Who made this? - We're asking you.
This your store logo, sir?
- That's my box. - It was at a crime scene.
My pizza never hurt nobody. You no find any bacteria here.
Kids broke into the high school. They left this.
- Tell me who, I'll kick their asses. - I got it, Pop.
That's a custom job.
Meatball, pepperoni, sausage peppers, onions...
- ...extra mozzarella... - This pie fit a pattern?
- Anyone order this regularly? - Only one.
- Who? - I'd rather not say.
- Tell me! I find these bastards! - Pop, go in the back. Go ahead.
- Sir. - Yes, officer?
Word to the wise. Technically, you're an accessory after the fact.
I cannot believe this. Do you know how serious this is?
Do you?
- Answer me right now. - Yes.
- Yes, what? - I know it's serious.
So why did you do it?
- I don't know. - Why did you do it?
Do you hate the school or have a problem with someone?
- No. - Then why?
It just happened.
We went in as a goof. Someone threw something in the pool.
A couple of guys started throwing stuff in. We just did it.
And if they were jumping off a bridge, would you just do that too?
No.
What are you doing here?
- Answer your father. - I got sent home.
Why?
I got in trouble.
Your son broke into his school and vandalized the pool.
- How do you vandalize a pool? - They threw stuff in, broke things.
- Why'd you do that? - Screwing around.
On your mother's birthday?
- It wasn't. It was after midnight. - What are you, fucking stupid? Huh?
- So you're suspended? - I don't know.
This is serious. He may be expelled.
- What'd they say? - Nothing. They sent me home.
- You have to go see the principal. - On your mother's birthday.
They're gonna call you.
Just when everything was going good, huh?
You're gonna miss the big game.
You're screwing everything up. Your football career down the drain!
- Wow. - There it is.
- Beautiful ring. - I know.
- Gorgeous, Carm. - I want you ladies to try this.
Mozzarella? I was gonna get the hot antipasto.
It's not mozzarella. This is burrata. I had it flown in from Italy.
It's more subtle than mozzarella, with a nutty flavor.
- Thanks. - I'm not big on nuts.
A little pepper? Carm, on your half?
It's all about the contrast: Crisp beans and smooth cheese.
- No, I'm fine. - Buon appetito.
Tastes like mozzarella and string beans. You have it, Carm.
I want the hot antipasto.
I'd like to make a toast. To the friendship between our two children.
I'm happy to see my son spending time with Meadow.
She'll be a good influence on him.
- You did a great job. She's wonderful. - Well, thank you. Salute.
It's nice to see our families united. Like with Ralphie.
He goes on and on about Tony. He's happy to be getting closer to him.
- Ralph is a real find, hang on to him. - It was tough at first.
I was afraid everyone was gonna think that I didn't mourn Jack enough.
Oh, Artie!
He's under a lot of stress. I hear Charmaine hired a lawyer.
Divorce?
It's funny, but you think, you know...
the men in our lives have been, you know what, and we stay together.
And here's Artie, a regular guy, hardworking...
his marriage is in the pisciatoio.
- You can push a man only so far. - True. Very true.
If you wait inside for me, I'll be in there in a second. Okay?
Hello.
- Who's the douche bag? - He buys a new 600 for me every year.
- This was last year. - Nice.
You been shopping?
It's for you.
- It's very beautiful. - So are you.
What are my chances of kidnapping you for the afternoon?
- I'm closing on a car. - Come on.
Let Hans and Franz do the paperwork. I'm going nuts thinking about you.
I've gotta work.
- Trabajar? - Come on...
I'll take you anywhere you want.
The Pierre, Sherry Netherlands. Come on, anywhere you wanna go.
You wanna go to the zoo?
- The zoo? - Yeah.
- I try to get there once a year. - We'll go.
I'll call you.
Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
What do you mean?
They have male and female sex organs.
Somebody you don't trust, you call a snake.
How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Don't you think that expression came from when the snake tempted Eve?
Hey, snakes were fucking themselves...
long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.
- How you doing? - All right.
Hey, Jackie, thanks for coming by. How are you?
Have a seat. Want something to drink?
- What are you having? - Red wine.
- I'll get some slices. Want anything? - Yeah, get me the usual.
- Jackie, you want something? - No, thanks.
- You're taking Meadow out tonight. - Yeah.
- Where? - A place called Chez Josephine.
They have live piano music. Harry Connick Jr. used to play there.
A friend of mine is the bartender.
- Don't you two got class? - She's got a 2:00. I'm off.
How many days off they give you at Rutgers?
I got class three days a week.
Listen...
I think you're a good kid.
You show respect and come from a good family.
Thanks.
As far as my daughter goes...
you know I want the best for her.
I'm gonna be very protective over her.
- You understand, right? - Of course.
If you wanna spend time with her, I want the best from you in school.
- Yeah, right. I know it... - Shut up.
Listen to me.
I know I've been saying this to you all along, but now it's different.
- Understand? - I just got an A on a paper.
You did?
Edgar Allan Poe. Good writer, what a fucking nut job.
He's the guy who did all the Vincent Price shit, right?
He smoked opium and married his cousin. He was from the Bronx.
- So you got an A, huh? - I'm doing good, Tony.
Let's keep it that way.
- Keep your father in mind. - I will.
Listen...
here.
- Have some dessert on me. - That's okay.
Take it.
- Don't keep her out too late. - I won't. Thanks, Tony.
Welcome, everybody, to opening night at Crazy Horse.
I'm excited to have, from U-Dub, our very first band.
Please welcome the Miami Relatives!
(FEMALE SINGING VOCALS)
- What do you think? - What?
- What do you think? - I can't hear a word you say.
Tony and Sil couldn't make it, but this is from us. Congratulations.
- Do you like the band? - What?
How do you like the band?
- Matush, you don't got the Maseratis? - Versace. You try it yet?
No, I liked the Maserati.
- Try the Versace, you won't be sorry. - All right, give me four.
- What's up?! - Come on. Let's go. Out.
I got friends here, man! Let me call my man Carlo!
I see you here again, I'm gonna crack your head.
Call Carlo!
You have to wonder what they're thinking.
They're thinking, "Madonna, you guys ever smell yourselves?"
You're probably right, huh?
Except for you.
What you got on even a baboon would love.
The eyes are innocent.
Like a baby's.
Yeah, he could innocently maul you into ten pieces.
Usually they just engage in what's called threat behavior.
Because they did their mauling. Now they just give the look.
Malocchio.
You know why they're primates? They groom each other.
That I like.
What's this?
It's a Tibetan talisman for protection.
I knew it. I knew there had to be something.
What?
- What's wrong? It's a Buddhist symbol. - My sister was a Buddhist.
- She's a wack job. - I see, so I gotta be a wack job too?
It is a little wacky. What's wrong with Catholicism?
Which you fucking practice every fucking day, I'm sure.
So I pray a little, and I meditate in the morning.
It clears my mind and my heart for the day.
A Buddhist selling $150,000 cars.
The first noble truth is: Life is suffering.
But the Buddha preached participation in the sorrows of the world.
You make a sale, you don't make a sale, it's a tiny little thing.
- What's so funny? - You came here.
- What, the zoo? - I said zoo and you came.
What's this, a fucking head-trip now? Huh? Nice.
Sort of.
- I don't like that. - You're very sweet.
You came.
I'm crazy about you.
- You know that, don't you? - I never met anybody like you.
Okay, class, come this way. Stay together, kids. Come on.
We're gonna see some tigers.
- Do you take your kids to the zoo? - Yeah.
And now we're here.
See you later.
- Who was that? - My hard-on.
Between the Buddhism and talk about the family, poor you.
Let me see if it's really gone.
You lie.
- You know snakes can fuck themselves? - Give me your hand.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Don't move. - What?
See...
if you...
can not...
So, what happened?
He was at the Crazy Horse and some zip told my man:
New management, new rules.
So I asked around. I heard about some guy, Multi-something.
Some guy in the Soprano family was running things. I go, "Whoa!"
- Chris Moltisanti. - Yeah.
I know Chris.
- What's your name again? - Matush.
Normally I would never get involved with a stranger.
If Carlo here is vouching for you...
- I'm willing to make an exception. - Thank you.
What'd I tell you?
- You know who my father was? - The golfer? U.S. Open?
Chris and me are associates. You got nothing to worry about.
I'll call Carlo in a couple days.
Meeting over.
Verbum Dei has a zero tolerance policy in cases of vandalism.
It demands the expulsion of the offending student.
I told him.
- You see? - Having said that...
In this case, after much deliberation...
we decided upon a suspended sentence.
This has been arrived at...
based on his academic performance. And his involvement in sports.
- His academic performance? - He's brought his GPA to a C-minus.
- What is the punishment? - We suggest and hope...
it's meted out parentally.
- So it's not exactly zero tolerance. - Each child is special.
- That's a principle of this school. - Well, what about detention?
A lawsuit forced us to eliminate detention.
- He's off the football team, right? - No.
Studies at Harvard have shown that boys...
have success in avoiding pitfalls when they remain involved in sport.
You better wipe that smile off your face.
I told him he'd be off the team.
- You know, now you're kind of... - Undermining the...
It's not only skill Anthony has shown on the field, it's leadership as well.
We feel it's against his interests to sever his relationship with the squad.
- Well, if you think that's best. - However...
I can't say this strongly enough. If there is one more infraction...
the sentence will go into effect and Anthony will be expelled.
- Do you understand this, Anthony? - Yes.
- You completely sold us out in there. - What'd I do?
They're not punishing him, and you went along.
I suggested detention.
That was a charade so the football team can win the big game.
We've been waiting for years for him to get off the couch.
We should keep this in the family. He ain't getting off that easy.
Overall it's been a good two weeks.
- What about the nightmares? - None.
I had a dream where I lit the big torch at the Olympics.
- What do you think that represented? - Well...
work has been good.
My sales are way up.
And my performance has been commended...
by Mercedes-Benz USA with a plaque.
- What's going on with your social life? - Nothing.
Right now.
But it's okay.
What I'm going to say is a little delicate, but I think it's important.
When you called me last week to cancel, I heard a man's voice.
My car broke down.
It could've been the mechanic.
I see.
- I'm offended you put it that way. - Offended? Why?
Well, I don't pay you to be under your surveillance.
How dare you?
You came to me after attempting suicide over the breakup with Barry.
I ask you because you're under my care.
It's unprofessional to confront me this way.
Suicide is something I take very seriously.
The doctor in the ER said it was only suicidal ideation.
- Is he trained to give those diagnoses? - My car broke down.
Fine.
- I'll believe you. - Thank you.
- To the Crazy Horse, buona fortuna. - Salute.
Club business ain't easy, I tell you.
With the Bing, everybody only sees the glitz and glamour.
Nobody knows what goes into it.
There's a lot to deal with, I know.
See, it's one thing to have a bar.
When you're dealing with performers...
I don't care if it's music, tits, fire-eaters. It's a whole other game.
(PHONE RINGING)
Ultimately you're relying on them to get the customers in...
and spend money.
All right. I'll take it upstairs.
- Jackie, how are you? - All right.
- How you doing? - Somebody's sitting there.
7 and 7 and whatever my friend wants.
I'm good.
- Just 7 and 7. - Okay.
Congrats on the club.
I admire your progress since you got your button.
I wanted to have a sit down with you about a friend.
- When did you wanna do this? - Now.
Now's okay to chat, not a sit down.
This friend was moving X at the club, and he got thrown out on his ass.
And?
I wanted to ask you, as a favor, to let him keep a little action going on.
- You get a piece of what he does. - X is federal territory now.
- I don't want it in my club. - It would mean a lot to me.
You've got a lot of balls. Did you hear what I said?
What'd I say?
- No. - End of chat.
Okay, thanks.
- It's all taken care of. - Thanks, man.
You just can't do it in the club. Have your customers meet you outside.
- Outside where? - Use your car. Or their car.
Find an alley... I gotta think it all out for you?
That's gonna make things harder.
This all happens for a good reason. Beyond anything you could know.
In time, everything will be revealed. You'll be back inside. Don't worry.
If that's the way it is, that's the way it is. I'll see you.
Aren't you forgetting something?
What?
I'm looking out for you here. I gotta eat too, right?
Yeah, sure. I'll take care of you.
- I'll be by every Sunday. - Cool.
Your father and I discussed your punishment.
You're grounded for a month.
No Nintendo, no DVDs, no skateboards.
- No computer. - I use it for school.
- Get the typewriter. - Dad threw it out.
Then use a pen. It worked for Einstein.
And you're gonna work your ass off around here.
- Okay. - You got no choice.
- Go to the garage and organize it. - Jackie Jr. did that the other day.
See what I'm saying about him?
Take a lesson from Jackie and get your act together.
Kid's pre-med at Rutgers, he finds time to help out.
- And you're going to clean the gutters. - What gutters?
- On the roof. - Where?
- On the edge. They collect water. - What?
- Don't get smart! - I don't know.
The drainpipes for the rain?
Come here.
- Very good. A lady of discerning taste. - Come on!
- I told you once. - Jackie said as long as I stay...
- Don't fucking name-drop me! - We're gonna take a walk.
Well, right arm's still good. No?
You think that's funny?
Sorry.
- Tell me what happened. - I did like you said. I stayed outside.
You must've disrespected them or something.
I didn't do fuck!
Did you mention that I sat down with Chris?
They didn't give a shit.
I don't think they like you.
I gotta pee.
Can you give me the thing?
Get the nurse to help you. That's what they get paid for.
Maybe she'll be fine and give you a cheap thrill.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Kelli! Hey, hon! It's your sister. Yeah.
Now this is the most crucial part.
You put the pasta back in the pot. You add a little gravy...
And a little butter.
Then...
you put the fire back on...
- ...for 45 seconds, stir it up nice. - 45 seconds?
Yeah. That way the macaroni absorbs the gravy instead of just coats it.
This is for flavor.
- I need a favor. - What?
I need a piece. I mean, I don't need one. But...
you know.
- Anything you wanna tell me? - No.
It's just I think it's time I, you know...
- What are you looking to get? - What do you suggest?
Me, I like to know the motherfucker's gonna work.
And a .38...
it'll never jam on you.
Plus it's small.
If you want to make a point, go with something bigger.
It's not for intimidation. Just in case.
Yeah, I'd go with the .38.
You can have this one. I got another one under the bed.
How much I owe you for it?
Get out of here. Your money's no good.
Macaroni's ready!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I just wanna tell you that I don't expect anything from you.
Well, kindness. That's it.
Okay.
You really are in love with yourself, aren't you?
What do you mean?
Conceited?
Self-centered.
"Okay." I mean there's a bunch of alternates you could've said.
You deprive yourself of nothing.
You think I'm vain?
I think you're wonderful.
And her name is G...
My accounts are in bad neighborhoods.
I know why you lie.
But you don't have to.
Can I hold it?
It's heavy. Is it loaded?
Nothing more useless than an unloaded gun.
There you go.
Mr. Waste Management.
Come here.
I mean, we're paying the school, we're buying a service.
If it's their opinion that he shouldn't get treated too harshly...
You gotta listen to the experts, right?
What else is going on, how was the rest of your week?
To be honest? Very good.
- Why is that? - Well, that's how life is, I guess.
Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Things come, things go.
- How is it between you and Carmela? - She was moody, now she's herself.
Maybe it was coming here.
Possibly.
- Well, you do look happy, I must say. - Yeah.
- Went to the zoo. - The zoo?
You know, sometimes you gotta get away, stop and smell the gorilla shit.
Good to be in nature.
- And the zoo made you happy. - Yeah.
I think a lot of it's because of you.
You put a lot of time into me.
- Now it's paying off. - The progress you make is up to you.
And how honest you are with yourself and me.
Well, I am improving.
You have to participate in the suffering of the world.
Your thoughts have an Eastern ﬂavor to them.
- I lived in Jersey my whole life. - I mean Eastern...
in terms of Asian, like Buddhist or Taoist...
Sun Tzu.
I told you about him.
We have to stop now.
All right.
This is the co-pay I owe you from last month.
Well, you gave me too much.
Well, I gave you a little extra for the good results this week.
- I can't accept it. - Give it to charity.
(PHONE RINGING)
You better get your phone. I'll see you next week.
- Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Jason. - How are you?
- I hate all of them. - Who?
My patients. Lying to me, full of shit...
with no concern for what I do or the position they put me in.
- I just hate them. - Fuck them. Quit.
Right now that doesn't sound like a bad idea.
I'm sorry.
- How are you? - I'm okay.
I need to buy a couple of expensive books.
Hey, Ton, how's it going?
- How you doing? - All right, let it roll.
I don't want no teammates.
- Tony? - How you doing? Huh?
- Are you up? - No.
Take a hit.
Hit me.
- You shouldn't have listened to me. - I would have hit anyway.
Come here. I wanna talk to you.
- What are you doing here? - You're here.
- What? - I was at a bachelor party.
- I got dragged here. - This is what we talked about.
- Get your money and get out. - Sorry.
- I don't wanna see you here again. - You won't.
Smarten up.
Good morning.
- New earrings? - I treated myself.
- They match. - I almost bought a matching necklace.
Some restraint.
- Although Christmas is coming, so... - Maybe.
- Any cannolis left from yesterday? - Answer that question yourself.
Meadow still here?
Jackie took her to see Aida.
- "I eat her"? - It's the Elton John musical.
I have to say, you were right, Tony. Jackie Jr. has really surprised me.
He's been a gentleman. He takes her to the city, he's great with A.J.
So long as she does good in school, things could be a lot worse.
(MUSIC CUES UP)