(SOPRANOS THEME SONG)
(POP SONG PLAYING)
Hello?
(PHONE RINGING)
(SHUTS MUSIC OFF)
(PHONE)
- Hello? - Ls Tony there?
No, I'm sorry, he's not.
Who's calling?
This is Mrs. Washington, from the high school, for little Anthony.
Mrs. Washington?
From your son's school?
Hello?
Tony, it's me. I'm sorry to call you.
I know we are broken up, but my religious medal...
I think I lost it. I think it's on The Stugots.
Oh. Okay.
Who is on the boat with you?
I'll be sure and tell him. All right.
- Your son okay? - Attendance shit.
- Two weeks, not even a kiss hello? - Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Yeah.
- How was Morocco? - Great.
Listen, that phone call, it was an old girlfriend.
She wasn't from the school? My God, she sounded so convincing.
- I'm just trying to be honest. - Yeah? Why'd you lie?
- I didn't wanna piss you off. - It's about you?
What? I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
No, you didn't wanna piss me off, meaning you'd have to deal with me...
which is more about sparing you than my fucking feelings!
Merry Christmas.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Let's go with the satin finish.
(PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me.
- Hello? - Yeah, it's me.
You know that Russkie, Valery, works for Slava?
He owes Sil five grand.
For that other thing. I need you to pick it up.
- Why don't Sil go? - He's dying from the flu.
- I didn't hear you. - He's sick, he's got the flu!
I'm taking my mother to Social Security.
So you do it after. Guy's at Fairlawn. 327 Dexter Avenue, number six.
- I don't know why we deal with them. - Guess?
- They make us money. - Thank you.
And the family's well?
- I'm concerned about our daughter. - What's the problem?
She's dating a boy.
The son of some friends of the family, actually.
I mentioned him to you. I guess I'm not as optimistic as I once was.
She was dating a different boy, an African-American?
They broke up. He broke it off with her.
Believe that?
- You gave him little choice. - I'm the reason she's with Jackie?
If you hadn't been so mean to him...
maybe she might not be with this one.
I find it very interesting that you can talk about this without rancor.
Actually, we haven't been arguing as much lately.
It's the therapy. We're learning how to communicate.
Eighteen, double word score, that's 36.
No Spanish.
- Spanish? - "Oh-blee-kay"?
Oblique.
Indirect? Not straightforward? Come on, you're in college.
I'm not an English major.
- As in, "How about giving me some?" - Jackie, I'm sick.
I know. I'm only kidding.
Unless you want to.
- Jackie. - I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Wanna do some X? - I'm already taking NyQuil.
- Tired? - Yeah, actually, I am kind of wiped.
- Mind if we finish this tomorrow? - Okay.
You're burning up.
I'll come by tomorrow and bring you echinacea.
You're leaving?
I gotta let you get some sleep.
The Russians? They're not all bad.
Cocksuckers moved nuclear warheads into Cuba, pointed them right at us.
That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bullshit.
Who is it?
(PAULIE) KGB.
Open up.
We didn't wake you, did we?
Or the other 30 people who live here?
- You want? - Little early, no?
Look at this shit: TV, stereo, DVD.
- What's this? - Universal remote.
Universal remote.
Probably wiped your ass barehanded till you came here.
- So, Valery, you got Silvio's money? - Fucking Silvio.
Watch it, comrade.
Money is on entertainment center.
- Better not be any rubles in there. - Put remote on docking station.
- What? - Universal remote.
Put it down on docking station.
Listen to this prick giving orders.
You got some balls, my friend.
OOPS.
- Paulie. - What? It was an accident.
You want to fuck here, cocksucker? You come to my house...
What did you call me?
Paulie! Paulie, where the fuck are you?
(COUGHING)
- What the fuck? What'd you do? - What, did I have a choice?
He's dying.
Cracked his windpipe. That's it for him.
Are you a fucking doctor? What are we gonna do?
Pull the car around.
"I'm feeling very sheepish."
About the other day.
I had no right to even answer your phone.
It's all right.
I'm sorry I lied.
- Gonna open it? - Yeah.
- It's beautiful. - It's from Morocco.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Now I feel like a jerk. I got nothing for you.
Of course you do.
(PHONE RINGING)
No. I gotta see who this is.
I gotta take this.
- Yeah? - Ton. It's me.
We saw that guy, but we had a problem. It got a little physical.
You were just supposed to pick up the money.
We did, but he started giving us some shit. Prick sucker-punched me.
Hang on.
- What? - Hang on.
Where are you now?
Rest stop, Garden State.
Where's the guy?
- With the luggage. - Are you kidding?
- You're breaking up, I can't hear you. - Are you fucking kidding me?
It got bad. We had no choice.
I'm meeting Slava later. What do I say to him?
It's okay. Nobody was around.
What do you wanna do?
Use your judgment, but whatever you decide, do it away from me.
(BEEPING)
- All right. Motherfucker!
- That was a big waste of water. - It was just some work shit.
You got time for lunch?
You are my lunch.
I gotta get back.
How about dinner?
What do you got in mind?
Nine o'clock, my house. You like London broil?
Yeah.
- We could dump him down the shore. - It's too light out, we should wait.
- Got a Roy Rogers over there. Hungry? - First things first, Chrissy.
I'm just saying. I didn't eat breakfast.
Most important meal.
- Hi. - How you doing?
- Let's go to Pine Barrens. - That's South Jersey.
It's perfect. It's fucking deserted down there.
Take him in the woods, dig a hole, end of story.
And fucking snow all over the ground? That's some hard shit.
I got a shovel I use for digging the car out.
Best part is, we'll be 20 minutes from A.C.
We get a room, freshen up, some blackjack.
Fuck that, I gotta eat.
We'll go to Morton's, have a steak. So the day won't be a total loss.
(GRUMBLING)
Things with you and Carmela seem to be going well.
It's the therapy.
Now look, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I'm seeing somebody.
A patient of yours.
Gloria Trillo.
Why Gloria?
Why not? She's smart, she's sexy, she's Italian.
- Italian? - You stick to your own kind, you know.
What is this, West Side Story now?
Do you think having met her in therapy is significant?
Maybe she reminds me of you.
Okay.
How?
Smart. Sexy. She's Italian.
She's actually nothing like you.
Well...
maybe a little.
- Who else? - You both got great legs.
- Keep joking. - Don't get jealous.
It's your fault we met.
The scheduling mix-up?
Point is, she makes me happy.
Does she seem happy to you?
When she's with me. And you know what? So am I.
Is lying to Carmela in therapy the best thing for your panic attacks?
Things are good between us, you said so.
It's predicated on a lie.
Predicate it on my ass, what's the difference? I'm content, I'm relaxed.
Bottom line is, I'm a better husband and father.
You wanna know the truth, as much as I love my wife...
being with Gloria makes me happier...
than all your Prozac and your therapy bullshit, combined.
- What do you think? - I think we should have ate.
Cocksucker's still alive!
Look at this. He chewed through the tape.
Fucking piece shit!
- I'll put one in your head. - Fuck your fucking mother!
Get the shovel, Chrissy.
Freezing out here.
Don't you know better than to wear pajamas in the middle of winter?
- Think this is far enough? - It'll do.
- What the fuck you doing? - You think we're digging the hole?
That's right, shithead. Get to work.
I know the ground's hard, but give it some Siberian action.
Cocksuckers. I'll kill you both.
Shut up.
You think the cold bothers me?!
I wash my balls with ice water!
This is warm.
You American pieces of shit!
- What's he saying? - Who gives a shit?
Keep digging-
Not that it matters now, but we didn't come to your house to kill you.
That mouth of yours, you gotta learn to shut the fuck up.
So how far is it to Atlantic City?
Motherfucker!
Fuck!
What the fuck?
- I got him, didn't I? - Yeah. Fuck!
Maybe he's stunned.
- How bad is it? - Couple of stitches.
We'll finish him and cover him with snow. You see where he went?
He's gotta be close. Half his head's probably hanging off.
There's some blood over there.
Where is this prick? Sure I hit him in the head?
Yeah, fucking positive.
I don't see any more blood. It's like the trail just ended.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- You gonna be home for dinner? - Yeah.
All right, I'm going to the market.
Maybe it's like cutting off a chicken's head, how they keep running.
(PHONE RINGING)
Fucking believe this?
- Hello? - Where you been?
- The Pine Barrens. - Did you wrap the package?
Not yet. We were about to. We had a little problem.
What problem?
The package hit Chrissy with an implement and ran off.
I thought you said it was...
We thought it was. It's complicated. We're looking for it.
- I can't hear you, you're breaking up. - We're looking for it!
- I used to get sciatica... - Could survive?
The package?
- Could the package survive? - Ton?
Is there any way the package could survive?
No, T. No fucking way.
- -It's my life, and I'll live it any way I please.
- Cocksucker! - What?
I'm meeting with Slava! I could be walking into a fucking buzz saw!
T? T? Hello?
Fuck!
- What'd he say? - He's worried about this Slava asshole.
We're working with him, but you wonder what Tony's got going.
- None of our fucking business, is it? - I'm a fucking captain.
- Got a match? My lighter's in the car. - Mine too.
I'm not dressed for this shit.
- He's gotta be dead by now, right? - How could he not be?
Fuck it, let's just go. Squirrels will eat him anyway.
- Where'd we park? - Back there, half a mile or so.
You sure? I thought we looped around.
Four years in the Army, kid. We just follow our own footprints. Come on.
Wait a minute. We walked in a circle. How's that fucking possible?
All right, let's reason this out.
We drove south, and the sun's setting there.
- What use is that? - We know our direction.
- Yeah, but we're still fucking lost. - We're not lost. Stop getting cunty.
(KNOCKING) Slava.
Tony.
Come in. Come in.
My daughter, llana. Say hello to Mr. Soprano.
- Hello. - How you doing?
Go to drugstore, buy some candy.
Beautiful girl.
Brilliant student. One day she goes to Harvard in Massachusetts.
Maybe.
Family.
Nothing is more important.
That's why you gotta plan ahead.
- There's 200 in here. - Okay.
Same drill. To Isle of Man. Four days, clean as whistle.
We drink.
So where's your friend, you know?
Valery?
Who knows?
- He gave Silvio the money? I told him. - Don't know, I wasn't there.
Salut.
That's you and him, ain't it?
He was like brother to me.
Closer than brother.
But now he's tragic figure.
- What do you mean? - The alcohol, the drugs.
Disgrace to his family.
He breaks my heart.
Well, maybe you could send him to AA.
In Chechnya, he saves my life.
You're...
very emotional.
I would do anything for him.
Take it easy, we'll find it.
I'm dizzy. My fucking head is killing me.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - It's a bad connection. I'll talk fast.
The guy is some ex-commando. He killed 16 Chechen rebels single-handed.
T? T, that you?
Goddamn it.
- I didn't hear what you said. - I'll talk fast.
The guy you're looking for killed 16 Chechen rebels single-handed!
- Get the fuck out of here. - Yeah, nice, huh?
He was with the Interior Ministry. He's a Russian Green Beret.
This guy cannot come back to tell this story. You understand?
- I hear you. - I'm serious, Paulie.
Ton? Ton, you there?
Goddamn! Fuck!
Call me back!
You're not gonna believe this. He killed 16 Czechoslovakians.
The guy was an interior decorator.
His house looked like shit.
Didn't you hear it? Twig snapping.
You said yourself I hit him in the head. Fucking Rasputin, this guy.
(TWIG SNAPPING)
See?
Come on, he's running.
(GUNSHOTS)
OH!
Fuck!
Fucking cunt!
Paulie, come on, I think I got him!
If we were trying, we wouldn't have come close.
I lost my shoe.
(SNIFFLING)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - It's me. How you feeling?
- Like shit. When you coming? - I gotta get my mom's car inspected.
- At night? - The only time my friend can do it.
- I'm so bummed. I really miss you. - Can you do it tomorrow?
I can't. My morn needs the car, and I gotta move Dov's shit out of here.
I'll call you later, okay?
Yeah, okay. Bye.
This is no fucking joke here. I could lose a foot.
- It's numb, huh? - What the fuck you think?
How could we be lost like this? We're in New Jersey!
South Jersey!
- We should eat some berries. - You nuts?
Shit like that could be poisonous, you don't know. Come on.
- What? - What the fuck is that?
Looks like a truck.
(PAULIE) AH 1
There's fucking gravel under this snow!
Back wheels are gone.
Thank you, God.
My ears feel like they'll fall off.
Fuck your ears! Get me something for my foot.
OOH.
Jesus, that prick really brained me.
Gotta sit with my foot under my thigh.
Use my own body heat. That's the trick.
- What if he's not dead? - He's fucking dead.
I know, but 16 Czechoslovakians...
He's trained for this shit. It's like Die Hard shit.
It's supposed to snow later this week.
- Know the weather in Mexico? - Chili today, hot tamale?
You heard it before?
It's an old joke.
Egon Kosma said he made it up.
- What's the matter, you're not hungry? - Late lunch.
Could be him out there, stalking us.
With what, his cock?
Think about it. If he's alive, he's unarmed and bleeding like a sieve.
He's in the woods, in his pajamas. It's the fucking Yukon out there.
- Probably thinks we left. - If he's alive, which he ain't.
- What's that? - A Nathan's bag.
Fuck, there's some ketchups and shit!
- Clean? - I don't know, they were in a bag.
They're a little halfway frozen.
- Fuck it. Give me some. - Here.
Not bad. Mix it with the relish.
It's Nana and Grandpa.
What are you doing here?
- Three hours at the eye doctor. - Glaucoma. I may need an operation.
Oh, my God.
Come on, sit down.
- Do you want to eat? - Who could eat, after news like that?
Hold on, I'll make some coffee.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
It's me.
Where are you?
We're still here.
And?
- No good. - That's really fucking great.
That language, is that necessary?
Listen, Ton, we're really lost.
We've been walking around for hours. I lost my shoe. We found an old truck.
I don't know what you're talking about!
- How about some advice? - What?
How about some advice?
Stay there till the morning and find this guy!
We're trying.
- Goddamn fucking phone! - Thanks, Ton. Thanks a lot.
- Oh, I should be happy about this? - No, it's just...
Sometimes your nephew don't think before he acts. That's all I'll say.
- I thought the guy punched you. - He did.
It's just...
We'll talk later.
You're having coffee, right?
My father has glaucoma.
(PHONE RINGING)
It's Jackie, leave a message.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPING)
It's me again.
You said you were gonna call. Where the hell are you?
(KNOCKING)
Hi, Ambujam. I'm really sorry, I need to borrow your car.
(KNOCKING)
If I wanted to be treated like shit, I'd get married.
Sorry.
- Something came up. - Dinner is fucking ruined.
Well, we'll go out.
Anywhere you want.
Come on, don't be like that.
Inconsiderate prick.
I said I was sorry.
Family shit.
Couldn't be avoided.
Let me make it up to you.
You were supposed to be here three hours ago.
I know, but I'm here now, aren't I?
HMM?
(TWIG SNAPPING)
This is fucking bullshit!
It was Silvio's money, he should have got it himself.
Cocksucker got the sniffles, and we're stuck out here?
- You shouldn't have hit him. - I shouldn't have been there!
It's an insult Tony gives me this shit.
Yeah, blame Tony now.
You had to hear him on the phone before, talking to me like a child.
You know the money I made for him?
Or his old man before him?
He's living like a fucking king.
And now all I hear about is cocksucker Ralphie.
I'm going to sleep. Let me get some of that carpet.
I been working on a plan.
A Plan?
We're in a truck. It had to get here. There's gotta be a road out.
- It stops at those trees. - Give me your shoes. I'll get help.
Fuck you! You're not leaving me.
- Don't trust me? - It's pitch dark.
What's your plan? Eat ketchup packs?
- We should have gone to Roy Rogers! - I should have fucked Dale Evans!
- What are you doing? - Calling Tony.
- You're gonna piss him off. - Fuck him. We'll die out here!
(PHONE RINGING)
Dumb fuckers.
- Yeah'? - It's me.
- What now? - What now?
Chrissy's bleeding, and I'm freezing to death!
Take it easy!
I'm through taking it easy! We're starving!
- What do you want me to do? - Come get us!
- You don't even know where you are! - Exit 12.
- What? - Exit fucking 12!
- Pike's Hollow, or some shit. - Pike's Hollow.
There's a dirt road. We're parked a mile in, near picnic tables.
- When I find the car, then what? - I don't know, yell.
We're in a truck. That dirt road might be the same one we're on.
Put my nephew on the phone.
(INTERFERENCE)
Here.
Yeah, T?
- Are you all right? - My head's killing me.
- I can't hear. - My head hurts! I got a concussion.
All right, just stay calm.
- Bring food, all right? - Some fucking shoes too!
All right, hang in there.
I gotta go.
- What, are you kidding me? - It's an emergency.
- What do you want? - You think I'm a whore?
Just calm down.
You'll just come over and fuck me?
I don't got time for this shit.
Now you're gonna leave? You lowlife shit! Here!
Take your fucking dinner!
I fucking hate you!
I know he's cheating on me.
I could hear it in his voice.
Car inspection? It's bullshit.
What if he's not, though?
Doing this would make me as bad as he is. Maybe we should go.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Hey. Sorry I had to wake you.
Fucking chemo. I'm awake throwing up half the night anyway.
- Did you call Bobby? - He's on his way.
- What have you been eating, steak? - No.
I don't know.
I need to borrow a shirt.
- You want some tea? - No.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)
Fuck this!
Where you going?
It's not bad enough you wake me, I gotta get my balls broken too?
Go with my nephew. Do what he says.
I gotta change my shirt.
I got my limits too, Junior.
Be strong.
Yeah, of course I did.
- I can't believe this. - Why are you here?
- I loved you. - Who the hell are you?
- Fuck you, bitch. - What?
- Don't ever call me again! - Meadow, wait.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Yeah, you better leave, bitch!
What the fuck? That's Tony Soprano's daughter!
Oh, what do I care, asshole?
Fucking bitch.
Damn it!
You really know about this shit? You know, the woods and hunting?
My dad and me used to go every year.
Sorry I laughed at you before.
It's all right.
Hey, one time we went hunting...
we saw a sign that said, "Bear left." So we went home.
I appreciate you taking care of my uncle.
Yeah, I know.
- He really loves you. - Come on, that old prick?
I'm serious. He talks about you all the time.
I know you had your problems, but, I don't know...
I wish he was my uncle sometimes.
(SHIVERING)
What time is it?
4:30.
Where the fuck is he?
- What are those, Tic Tacs? - I just found them.
- I didn't know I had them on me. - Give me some!
- There ain't no more. I ate them. - I'm dying here!
Then fucking die already.
- Where you going? - I'm eating those berries.
- I'm telling you, they're poison. - At least I won't die hungry.
You sure this is it?
Pike's Hollow. A mile in, by the picnic table.
Where's their car? Maybe they left.
No, they wouldn't leave without calling.
Let me try him again.
(PHONE RINGING)
Tony?
Paulie... Bacala... We'll be...
Ton, I can't hear you.
(PHONE BEEPING)
Motherfucking cocksucker!
That Tony? What'd he say?
I don't know.
(URINATING)
Do that by your window, I don't wanna smell your piss!
Fuck you.
- What? - You heard me.
Don't make me pull rank.
Fuck you. Captain or not, now we're just two assholes lost in the woods.
Do yourself a favor and go back to sleep!
- Why, so you can choke me? - What?
Think I'm stupid?
I heard you on the phone trying to blame this on me.
What?
You fucked up, now you're worried about Tony.
When I sleep, you'll choke me so he has your version.
Choke you right now, you fuck!
I'll leave you, you one-shoe cocksucker!
Put it down.
You know how fast I run, I'll leave you in the dust!
The shit we been through, you think I'd kill you?
Yeah, I do.
(LAUGHING)
Promise you won't leave me here.
I'm not gonna leave you.
(LAUGHING)
(HONKING) Paulie! Christopher!
What do you think? What should we do?
There's nothing we can do. We'll wait till it's light, then we'll head in.
(THERMOMETER BEEPING)
101. Let's get some fluids in you, we'll send you home later.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
She was out all night. I couldn't stop her.
It's over.
He was cheating on me.
Holy shit.
We drove out to Jersey and I caught them together.
She was a real whore too.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
It's my fault. I shouldn't have pressured him.
You are better off without him.
He was cute. But he was really boring.
You don't know what it's like to grow up where we did.
- Whatever, Med. He was such a drip. - No, he wasn't! He was great!
(SOBBING)
Bruno Mag“ over here.
Which way? What do you think?
Don't matter to me. I ain't stopping till we hit cement.
A lot of strange people used to live in these woods.
Jackson Whites, these weird-looking albinos.
Paulie! Christopher!
First place I hit is Denny's.
I know. Get like five of those Grand Slam breakfasts.
Shit!
What's the matter?
Fucking thing's loose already.
Motherfucker!
What are you doing? What if we need the bullets?
That's no deer hunter.
Paulie! Christopher!
(DISTANT YELLING)
- Tony! Over here! - Over here!
Paulie! Christopher! Where are you?
Over here, Tony!
Thank fucking God!
You guys all right?
- What the fuck you shooting at? - Nothing. Never mind.
- Jesus Christ, look at you two! - All night in this fucking hellhole.
All right, come on.
Come on, easy.
- This the spot? - Yeah, but my fucking car's gone.
- You sure this is where you left it? - Positive.
Is the heat on?
Jesus Christ, I can't feel my toes.
- You got any blankets? - No, sorry.
Turn up the heat, huh?
I can't believe it. I fucking loved that car.
- Probably kids. - What if it was the guy?
You got the money?
It was in the car.
- That's all I asked you to do. - Sorry. It couldn't be helped.
Guy fucking lunged at us.
Listen, Ton, I know I fucked up. But...
It's okay, really. Just forget it.
What do you think? Wanna look for this guy?
You tell me. Is it worth it?
I hit him in the head, Ton. I saw it with my own eyes.
- Could this fuck make it out alive? - Hard to say.
Flesh wound, maybe. Head shot, I don't know.
On the other hand, anything's possible.
You're a captain, what do you wanna do?
Fuck it. Let's go home.
All right.
But let's be clear on this right now.
This guy crawls out from a rock, he's your problem.
You deal with Slava, you take the heat, you pay the price.
Capisce?
Fine.
You got mayonnaise on your chin.
- What? - Mayonnaise! Mayonnaise!
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
Something's fucked up here.
One minute she's fine, the next she's a fucking lunatic!
I asked you whether or not she seemed like a happy person.
By that I'm supposed to know she'd throw a roast beef at my head?
Read into things however you choose.
Why does everything gotta be so hard?
I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I do the right thing by my family.
Doesn't that count for anything?
We should discuss what attracted you to Gloria in the first place.
Oh, we been through that already.
And Irina before her.
Depressive personality, unstable, impossible to please.
Does that remind you of any other woman?
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)