CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
(beeping)
(giggles)
Nothing like reading a well- plotted mystery on the beach.
It’s amazing how they always solve the crime
just before they run out of pages.
Marge.
(gasps)
James Patterson!
Come with me, Marge.
Help me think of new nursery rhyme-themed titles
for my thrillers.
(murmurs excitedly)
Ooh, how about "Little Bo Peep"?
That’s great.
A clue could be her sheep.
Marge, the real mystery is why we’re just talking
when I could be kissing your...
(alarm clock ringing loudly)
(murmuring confusedly): I overslept!
The family can’t start the day without me.
Relax, baby.
While you were dreaming of me and calling me James,
I took care of everything.
(sighing): Oh, Homie, you woke up early?
Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff.
Now, don’t worry.
I packed everyone’s lunches and sent them off
into the world.
What kind of lunch is this?
A drawing of a sandwich.
I’ve got Grampa’s medication.
(people screaming)
Abe, pull over!
You’re not the driver!
Shut up, pizzas!
I’ve gotta deliver you!
Oh... no lunch for me.
Unless I "scare" one up.
Hey, guys, remember to stick together.
Today is the anniversary of the Dark Stanley murders.
Tell us all you know.
All right, imagine I’m holding a flashlight
-under my face. -(screams)
Years ago, Stanley DeGroot was a cook here at the school.
All the kids made fun of him
because he never graduated from college.
(singsongy): Stanley, Stanley, no degree.
Two credits short at MIT.
(kids laughing)
One day, Stanley picked up a cleaver
and put a new entrée on the menu.
(theme from 12 Monkeys playing)
A delectable little dish
called kids’ head soup.
(crazed laughing)
Needs more girl.
(crazed laughing)
What happened to Dark Stanley?
They hanged him for murder
and buried him in an unmarked grave.
When they came back the next day,
the whole cemetery was missing!
(all gasping)
(school bell rings)
Try not to think about it.
They say Dark Stanley makes your skull into a toilet
and wee-wees into it.
And just when you think he’s done,
Dark Stanley takes your skin and makes footy pajamas.
Nobody pajamanates my skin.
This is the very spot
where Dark Stanley comes to harvest heads
for his soup of sorrow.
Why aren’t you a-scareded?
Oh, Dark Stanley would never dare attack
a crowded, well-lit...
(kids screaming)
(shuddering): Dark Stanley’s here.
(kids screaming)
(laughs)
(theme from 12 Monkeys playing)
(kids screaming)
Whoa!
Murther!
Well, Seymour, I certainly appreciate you letting me
store my collection of antique cologne bottles in your office
while they recarpet my condo.
It’s quite a collection and, I assume, irreplaceable.
You assume correctly.
(kids screaming)
Seymour, Gary.
(groans)
Simpson, I know you’re behind this.
Well, you are going to get some counseling
from our school psychologist.
Dark Stanley’s going to eat my brains!
Or from a qualified professional.
But first... Willie, get those kids back!
I’ll bring those wee ones back dead or alive.
Not dead.
Ah, ya never let Willie be Willie.
(theme from The Hallelujah Trail playing)
...Zimmerman, Zorx, and... Zzyzwiski.
Now back to class, all of you.
All right, you heard him.
Back to class.
But we don’t go to school.
But you do live in the district.
That’s right.
We home-school ’em.
I teach the big ones
and the big ones teach the little ones.
but no one ever taught me,
which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.
Uh-huh.
Skinner, what is going on here?
Sir, if we let these hill folk into our school,
our test scores would drop so low,
we’d lose all federal funding.
I see...
and we’ve already lost state, county, and local funding.
Plus our last bake sale was a disaster.
People took bites without buying the cookies.
Yes, we’re not very good at anything.
Excuse me.
Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.
Am I to understand you’re purposely denying education
to these children?
-That’s a total mis... -Well, I wouldn’t, uh...
-Uh, you know... -I mean, that is to say, uh...
You see, the thing is...
I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.
-We, um, it’s not that we, um... -You see, what, uh...
-I just, we don’t, um... -...you’re not, uh, grasping...
-We’re not really, um... -...the, the, the, the...
You haven’t heard the last of this.
Well, I think we’ve heard the last of this.
No, you haven’t.
We’re going to have to give this some thought.
Let’s sing while we think.
It’ll make it more fun for everyone.
♪ How do we gag a blabbermouth like Lisa? ♪
♪ How do we crush her First Amendment rights? ♪
♪ How do we stop her writing up what she saw? ♪
♪ Would she shut her trap ♪
♪ For a gift card from the Gap? ♪
BOTH: ♪ She might ♪
TEACHERS: ♪ Oh, how do we stop a royal pain like Lisa? ♪
♪ How do we make Miss Righteous ♪
♪ Less uptight? ♪
You have a lovely voice, sir.
(groaning): Why do you have to make everything weird?
You asked to see me?
Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus’ children?
You’ll be happy, they’ll be happy,
and I can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue.
Made with the fondue set I bought you for Christmas?
No. So what do you say, Lisa?
Me? A tutor?
♪ The hillbilly tykes ♪
♪ Will become my tutees. ♪
Whoa! Ah! Oh!
CLETUS: Hey, kids!
The plow mule done birthed a girl-critter!
Young’uns, this here girl is come from fairyland
to school y’all.
Now, if you need me, I’ll be on the porch
drinkin’ Thomsen’s Water Seal.
My name’s Lisa. What are your names?
Witney!
Jitney!
Dubya!
Incest!
Crystal Meth!
International Harvester!
Birthday!
(whining): Are we gonna do this much work every day?
Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist?
I told a scary story. Big deal.
Look, boy, nobody knows better than me
that you’re a lost cause.
But the school’s paying for five sessions
and there’s a Chinese restaurant next door
where I can get drunk.
Get ready, Sheila. This guy likes the act.
(heavy Chinese accent): Mr. Simpson! You good man!
-We happy see you! -You not come long time!
Come sit, drinky-drinky.
Where’s Margie? She super lady!
(laughs)
Bart, my name is Dr. Swanson.
Stop right there, Doc.
This school has sent me to more therapists
than you’ve had bad dates.
I’ve looked at the ink blots.
I’ve played with the puppets.
The whole racket’s a hatful of crap.
I see.
Well... I get paid whether you make progress or not.
Why don’t we just kill the time playing videogames?
Yeah, right. I bet you’ve got a bunch of "learning" games.
Why don’t you go online and look for a boyfriend
while I take a nap?
Actually, I just got "Death Kill City II:
Death Kill Stories."
Whoa! You’ve got "DKC2: DKS"?
That one’s rated "Bad for Everyone."
(yelling and grunting)
VIDEOGAME NARRATOR: You have destroyed all human life on earth.
Level 1 complete.
(laughing): Yes!
And that’s how a presidential veto gets overridden.
Any questions?
How is any of this gonna put dog meat on my plate?
Hmm. Maybe the best way to begin your education
is to get you some exposure to the wider world.
So, I’m gonna take you to downtown Springfield!
We gotta get permission from Daddy.
It’s all right with me.
DR. SWANSON: And, lastly...
-I need a noun. -Booger.
Read it back! Read it back!
"The county fair is always sucky to visit
on a hot summer fart."
"You can eat delicious cotton hate,
and ride the Ferris burp
and the Merry-go- booger."
(laughing)
You can’t make that stuff up.
What does this tell you, Bart?
That this is one terrible county fair.
And...?
And...
My dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger.
He’s always passed out in the parking snot.
HOMER: He’s lying!
You drink too many scorpion bowl.
You go sleepy-sleepy now!
(groans)
(no accent): Did, uh, did you get his wallet?
Every president has a word balloon
that says "I am gay."
(chainsaw revs)
These colorful bums is funny!
And guess what?
Ben and Ken, the Street Magic Men, are only the beginning!
The city is a treasure trove of culture,
and multiculture!
♪ Mistos and lattes and grandes and ventis ♪
♪ Browsing at bookstores ♪
♪ with fat cognoscentis ♪
♪ Books about Dali, Degas and Miro ♪
♪ Those are the folks that you yokels should know ♪
♪ Pretentious laughs at Bunuel retrospectives ♪
♪ Outsider art made by mental defectives ♪
JITNEY: ♪ Enjoying opry that ain’t grand or ole ♪
BIRTHDAY: ♪ Comparing Jim Carrey to Dario Fo! ♪
Your minds are opening! Take it home!
INCEST: ♪ Eating tapas ♪
DUBYA: ♪ Freestyle rappers ♪
♪ Mrs. Skinner is Mame ♪
♪ We finally experienced cultural things ♪
♪ And now they don’t seem... ♪
♪ ...so lame. ♪
What a number!
You kids got talent! And I should know. I used to have it.
Hey! You’re one of those funny people
with a big crazy nose.
-A clown? -No, a...
Joker! That’s right!
And I’m not a practicing joker, so I’m not that offended.
Well it’s nice to see you again, Krusty,
but these kids have field trip journals to write.
Yeah, yeah, right. Who’s your agent?
What’s an agent?
Ka-ching!
(laughs)
Finally, I get a chance to use these gag contact lenses.
And then I had this dream
that my whole family was just cartoon characters,
and that our success had led
to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News."
Bart, I think you’re making a lot of progress,
but our time is up.
See ya next Wednesday.
Actually, this was our last session.
Huh?
But we were doing such good work.
Oh, Bart, I truly enjoyed our time together,
but the school only paid for five sessions.
I think I just got dumped.
He used to rob me two, three times a week.
Now, I’m lucky if I get it once a month.
He never initiates it. I have to do all the work.
He just stands there.
Now, now, don’t talk through him; talk to him.
Apu, sometimes when I rob you,
it’s like you’re not even there.
That is because you’re robbing my brother Sanjay.
Dude, I didn’t know.
Oh, just shut up!
KRUSTY: That’s right.
I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang,
and I’ll pay them the most anyone on TV
is entitled to get: scale!
Now I don’t sign nothin’ without
pretendin’ to read it first.
Hamburger, hamburger,
hamburger, hamburger.
Looks good!
Mr. Spuckler, wait!
Is this really good for your kids?
Teeny, get her out of here!
Whoa!
Okay kids, let’s cut some promos
for the affiliates.
ALL: You’re watching Krusty the Clown on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida,
home of the AccuCurl Surf Report!
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
(drumroll) Hey, hey, kids.
Have I got a treat for you.
Put your hands together for the Sharecropper Showstoppers,
The Smashing Bumpkins,
The Spuckler Family Singers!
(cheering and applause)
(banjo music plays)
♪ I have eight teeth ♪
♪ Going on seven teeth ♪
♪ I have a curvy spine ♪
♪ We live on landfill ♪
♪ And feast on roadkill ♪
♪ While we all drink ♪
♪ Moonshine. ♪
(chugging, thudding)
You’re better than us!
(laughing): Look at those dumb hillbillies!
I’ll bet they don’t even know what...
something is.
Dad, those kids aren’t dumb.
This show just perpetuates the stereotype
that all yokels are hicks.
Look at those morons.
They sing because they’re stupid.
Kids, it’s finally happening.
Your own prime-time special.
The songs will be written
by Broadway’s greatest composer: this guy.
What’s your name again, fuzz-face?
Stephen Sondheim.
I know you hear this all the time, but I think you’re great.
And I’m sure you hear this all the time:
you cost an arm and a leg, so let’s get to work.
Here’s the opening number.
Hmm, complex harmonies,
intricate lyrics,
pithy observations on modern life.
What is this junk?!
Where’s the zazz?
Just do what you did in Cats!
I didn’t write Cats.
You didn’t?!
Oh, no!
All right, I’ll try and save this.
Tell you what.
Just give me a peppy vamp.
Okay. And I can counterpoint it with...
No counterpoint!
Vamp! Peppy!
(peppy vamp plays)
Hey! This peppy stuff isn’t bad.
Maybe I will right that jingle for Buzz Cola.
(continues peppy vamp)
♪ President or ayatollah ♪
♪ Everyone loves new Buzz Cola ♪
♪ With lemon. ♪
(cheering)
Krusty, the Spuckler kids
missed their reading class today.
Yeah? Well, take it up with their manager.
(gulps) Yeah.
Cletus, I think you’re spending too much
of the kids’ earnings on yourself.
That’s a lie! I ain’t spent
their money on naught but necessities.
Sir, your solid gold hound dog is here.
(reverse signal beeps)
Uh... How do we get the real dog out?
(muffled howling bark)
Do you think I’m telling people not to have a cow
because deep down I want them to have a cow?
I saw you yesterday in the dining room,
and I didn’t know if I should say "hi" or not.
(sighing)
(concerned groan)
(door buzzer buzzing)
How can I help you?
Dr. Swanson, I’m Bart’s mother.
I’ve been saving this money
for my husband’s breast reduction surgery,
but I think this is more important.
Would you please see Bart again?
Of course. Send him in.
Bart, honey,
this is all we can afford for now.
If it doesn’t work, maybe when you’re an adult,
you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
You know, I’m pretty sure I will.
And I wasn’t planned, so when I came,
my parents had to get married.
And they were too young, and not ready for a kid
to screw up their lives.
Maybe I act out because...
if my parents are mad at me,
they can’t fight with each other.
(relieved sigh)
And maybe that’s why you do things
like scare your classmates with Dark Stanley?
Yeah. That, and Stanley was the brand of hammer
my dad used to hit me with.
Very good.
Bart, we have 20 minutes left.
Is there anything else you want to talk about?
You know what?
I think I’m good.
Oh. Oh, good. Good.
Good, w-we... Will I see you again?
Anything could happen.
One of these days I might have a complete psychotic breakdown.
Aw... I’d like that.
I just can’t stop thinking about him.
Do you think maybe Bart is replacing your son
who was killed by Dark Stanley?
Oh. Oh-oh-.
I am not ready to go there.
(markers squeaking)
You kids finish signing those 8x10s?
I’ve told five different dry cleaners
they’s the best.
Ain’t that lyin’, Mr. Krusty?
Uh, yeah, maybe.
But I’ve got some great news!
Take a look at your new home!
That’s right.
You’re joining Krusty’s No-Collar Comedy Tour!
There’s Butt-crack Barry,
Merle Values, Reverend Racist
and Andy Dick.
I’m blue collar. I’m totally blue collar.
My dad owns a shovel.
(kids groaning)
Now kids, don’t be a-frettin’ and a-fussin’.
I’ll be on tour with ya...
in my brand-new monster truck!
(all groaning)
(helicopter propellers whirring)
Stop the tour!
(gun chamber clicks) Cletus Delroy Spuckler!
What have you done to our children?!
Brandine! You’re supposed to be in Iraq,
stopping 9/11!
Did ya get the body armor I sent ya?
Sold it for smokes.
Cletus, I had to stop you exploiting the children.
So I sent her an e-mail.
My babies ain’t going on no bus tour.
It doesn’t matter what you say.
I got a contract signed by the father of these children.
He’s only the father of two of ’em!
The one that can’t sing and the one that can’t ad lib.
Nooooo!
Miss Lisa, we just want to thank you
for introducing us to, then saving us from,
the big wide world around us.
’Tweren’t nothin’.
(cooing)
Cletus, we’re goin’ home.
How much money do we have left?
Uh, I owe Krusty $12,000.
We can live on that.
Baby, you’re the greatest.
(Honeymooners theme plays)
CLETUS: How sweet it is.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
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