CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(school bell ringing)
(snarls)
Whoa!
-Ahh! -Hey!
Hey, you!
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(shrieks)
(screaming)
("Spider-Pig" playing)
(music stops)
-My summer love. -(pig squeals)
All right, next on my shopping list...
a new phone.
MAN (over P.A.): Attention, shoppers, iPhones now 20 cents.
What happened to that mini- cell phone I gave you, sir?
Ooh, I thought that was a lemon drop.
(loud vibration)
I’ll go get the number de-listed.
(vibration continues)
(vibration stops)
Well, well.
What have we here?
(scoffs)
Why do I need another penny?
I have billions.
Still, if I don’t take it, that hoodlum over there might.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
All right, penny, prepare to be pinched.
Come to Papa.
(yells)
Help...
me!
Help...
me!
Help...
me!
(gurgling, Mr. Burns yelps)
MR. BURNS: I guess this is the end.
I just wish I’d spent more time at the office.
Hmm...
Hm.
(groaning)
Hey, you’re not a penny.
You saved my life.
There must be something I can do for you.
HOMER: A cookie. No, a car. No, a cookie.
You’re getting a free dinner.
-(gasps) -With...
-Yeah? -...me.
"Me"? But that’s you.
I’ll pick you up at 5:00 tomorrow.
And I’ll pick you up right now.
Got it.
Mm-hmm.
See you at 5:00, then.
Dinner with Mr. Burns.
What a waste of my precious, precious Saturday night.
Hey, Dad,
have fun with your boyfriend.
He is not my boyfriend!
(slams door)
So, Simpson,
I hear you like pizza pie.
I do.
My favorite is Chicago deep-dish.
Chicago, eh?
Well, what if I took us there now?
Drive to Chicago?
I don’t have time for that.
I have to be back at work on Monday,
and my boss is a total jerk.
MR. BURNS: Who said anything about drive?
A g-g-g-g-gulfstream!
Now would you care for some sushi?
Uh, yeah, but I’m on a plane, idiot.
(buzzing)
My name is Svetlana, but you can call me "Hey, baby."
And just so you know,
she’ll do anything for you.
Anything except sex.
And I do mean anything.
(moans)
I’m aroused... and confused.
♪ ...Scratchy Show! ♪
(yells)
(screaming)
Stewardess!
(screams)
(grunts)
(chainsaw buzzing)
Sorry, everyone.
Air traffic control says we have
to spend another three hours on the tarmac.
(screams)
(both chuckling amusedly)
This is wonderful.
Now, why don’t you listen to the musical stylings
of Mr. Lionel Richie?
Oh, my God, Lionel Richie!
Can you sing "Say You Say Me," but make it about beer?
Sure, I guess.
♪ Hey, you, beer me ♪
♪ Beer me for always ♪
♪ That’s the way it should be ♪
-(mouthing words) -♪ Hey, you, beer me ♪
♪ Beer us together naturally ♪
Now make every word "beer."
RICHIE & HOMER: ♪ Beer, beer ♪
♪ Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. ♪
HOMER: Wait, I forgot the words.
(Richie groans)
Love you.
No!
If I leave the plane, I’ll be just like everyone else!
(sobbing)
Ground control, this is November 543 Charlie.
We’re going to need the extractor.
(grunting wildly)
No!
Oh...
I want to be back on the plane.
(chuckling): We’ll be back before you know it.
Wha...
Svetlana! Svetlana!
(grunting)
-(groans) -Oh, hush.
Now let’s enjoy the Miami of Canada-- Chicago!
♪ My kind of town ♪
♪ Chicago is ♪
♪ One town ♪
♪ That’ll never, ever let you down ♪
♪ It’s my... ♪
♪ Kind of town ♪
Okay, folks, for our first improv,
we’re going to need an occupation.
-Billionaire! -(chuckling): Nice job-- Where do I apply?
(all laughing)
Now I need a location.
I came to relax.
You think of it.
I heard "a Starbucks... in Siberia."
-AUDIENCE: Oh... -Killer premise.
Finally an emotion.
Drunk!
Okay, "drunk."
And now we take you to a drunken billionaire
at a Starbucks in Siberia.
(piano playing "Volga Boatman")
(slurring words) Uh, excuse me.
I need a, I need a coffee.
Can you change
a billion-dollar bill?
Our coffee costs a billion dollars.
This is Starbucks.
In Siberia.
(laughter)
Why are you applauding them?
We wrote it.
(cheering)
While you were here, we felt like New York.
HOMER: I’m so happy!
(doorbell rings)
(sniffs)
Homer, you smell like Chicago.
Did you fly there on a commercial airline?
No way. Commercial is for losers and terrorists.
I flew on a private plane.
Wow.
Is it much different from a normal plane?
Please, tell me you’re joking.
It’s the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.
(moans)
Homie, what’s wrong?
I had it all for one night.
Now for the rest of my life, I’ll know what I’m missing,
and all I have to remember it by
is that my ears haven’t popped.
Well, I’ll make sure that I never yawn again.
Hey, Homer.
(yawns)
-(two pops) -D’oh!
-Hi, Dad. -Hi.
High like a private plane?
The kind I’ll never be invited to ride on again.
That’s where you’re wrong, Homer.
(screaming) A fresh face!
This is Colby Krause.
I hired him to help you improve your life.
He’ll get you back on a private plane in no time.
No way.
I don’t need any shrink, therapist,
counselor, motivational speaker or "guru."
I’m a life coach.
Oh, tell me more.
The first step in self-improvement
is to take a thorough look at your life.
If you’re gonna film me,
I insist on a body double.
Is Uncle Fester still alive?
The camera’s not on yet, right?
No.
D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!
COLBY: Okay, now I just want you to do
what you normally do.
Okay.
Uh... well, uh... hmm, I’ll just, uh...
I forget what I do.
Wait, what?
Uh, this is some of what I do... I think.
Sometimes I go places.
This is our relish tray.
I’d like you to film it for insurance purposes.
Oh, what’s the point of putting my socks on?
I just have to take them off again a week later.
Homer, before you even head out the door
in the morning,
you’re already a loser.
Fine, I’ll show you a winner, just you watch.
(straining)
Think positive, think positive.
(grunts and groans)
You were saying?
Homer, your journey downstairs would’ve been a lot safer
if you’d remembered
the NDCs of concentration: Never Don’t Concentrate.
Will you shut up?
I can’t hear the song in my head!
(yells)
Do you want to get a reaction shot of his butt?
No, but we should get some background noise.
Everyone quiet for four seconds.
Thank you, people. Moving on.
D’oh! What?
Ow! Huh?
Here’s an important tip: Stop doing that.
(bowling pins clattering)
I really enjoyed paying you to yell at me
and say I suck, but it’s no use.
I’m a hopeless loser and always will be.
Homer, you’re up!
This I can do!
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Wow!
-Boom! -Way to go!
Behold my 217 average and weep.
(sighs) As I said, I’ve lost all hope.
Homer, here in the bowling alley,
you’re a totally different man--
relaxed, confident...
Is this going somewhere?
What we have to do is figure a way
to make "Bowling Alley Homer" into "Everyday Homer."
I have an aunt who became an uncle.
Is it like that?
I want you to wear those bowling shoes
out the door and everywhere you go.
It’s crazy, but it just might work.
Dr. Fredrick J. Waxman, you’re a genius!
That’s not my name.
I wasn’t talking to you.
♪ I’m the man ♪
♪ I spell "M" ♪
♪ "A" "N" ♪
♪ Man... ♪
♪ ♪
Homer, your shoe attitude is bowling people over.
These are letters from companies
interested in interviewing you.
How many of those have private planes?
This one.
Hmm.
"Handyman’s Choice Copper Tubing"?
They need a safety inspector
to fly between their North American plants.
I’m getting that job.
Bart, I’ll need some clean urine. Stat.
Now to make sure you’re motivated to get this job,
you have to quit your old one.
I’ll call your boss right now.
(Touch-Tone beeps)
(loud vibration)
I’ll get it, sir.
Just send it to voice mail.
(gagging)
You here for the safety inspector job?
Well, I can see the position
of handsomest CEO is already taken.
I like you already.
If you can write your name so I can read it, you’re in.
(moaning)
I got the job!
Yay, Dad!
We knew you could do it!
Good luck on your first day, Dad.
Give ’em hell, Homer.
We’re all so proud of you, sweetie.
Mmm.
I’m gonna get there early,
so I can get in good with the lunch truck guy.
Find out if he has a wife!
We could double date!
Yay, Dad. You’re our hero.
(moans)
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. I have no job and nowhere to go.
What do I have to buy so I can sit here all day?
Well, with a coffee, you can stay till lunch.
Then you have to order a solid.
One small coffee, please.
And a dozen of those placemats with the maze on it.
They’re all the same maze.
Somebody’s got to do ’em.
(slurping)
Look happy.
So, how was your first day at your new job?
Oh, it was great!
Flew to Tulsa on the company jet.
Did my job in a way consistent with what I already told you.
Because that’s what you do.
When you have a job.
I’m so proud of you, Dad!
Stop peppering me with questions!
Principal Skinner,
why did we have to leave
the Learn and Touch Reptile Zoo so early?
Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
It’s not my fault.
The drinking fountain dared me to do it.
Hmm? Freak fry!
Look out!
If it touches you, you die of suicide!
(screaming) (laughing)
Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
Dad?
(shrieks)
I know it’s you, Homer.
Ow!
Why aren’t you at your new job?
Well, explanation-wise, the fact is that...
I lied.
I didn’t get the job.
You see when I got there...
So, she said,
"That’s not my in-box,"
and he said, "That’s not the Johnson Report!"
(guffaws)
You sure know how to repeat the joke I just told ya.
(cackles)
But as a formality, I must ask:
Do you know anything about copper tubing?
Um... well, uh...
Come on, say "You’re hired"!
No.
Say it!
Leave your resume with Cheryl.
Say it!
-Security! Security! -(alarm sounding)
Stop saying "Security"!
-Come on, just give me the job. -No. Now, let go of my mouth!
I like your hat.
-You’re stretching it out of shape. -Come on.
-Just say the word. -Cheryl.
(grunting)
I couldn’t bear to tell your mother,
so I hang out here all day.
But, Dad, you gotta tell her.
She’s been buying brand-name groceries.
Brands like "Miser’s Choice"
and "Day-Old Delights"?
No, things rich people buy,
like Campbell’s Soup and Pepsodent.
(hums happily)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Honey, there’s something I have to tell you.
(gasps) It’s bad news, isn’t it?
I should never get my hopes up.
Nothing ever works out for us.
No, it’s, uh...
good news!
Really?
We’re manufacturing a new pipe diameter,
five-eighths inch.
The company wants you and me
to take the private plane to New York for the premiere!
So meet me at Shelbyville Airport in an hour.
If I’m gonna tell that woman the truth,
I’m going to do it in the one place
no one can ever be sad.
Okay,
so this should be enough money
to get me up in the air,
have a frank talk with Marge
then maybe eat a deviled egg.
Well, anything, for a fellow Marine.
Yeah, semper fudge!
Uh, did you just say "Semper fudge"?
No, I said the right thing.
Look at this business center--
fax, Wi-Fi, teleconferencing capabilities.
I’m gonna remember this day
for the rest of my life!
Uh, honey...
don’t try to remember the whole day.
Just what you’re feeling this second.
Sweetheart, what do you mean?
Marge, I gotta be honest...
(gasps) What was that?
I don’t know.
Maybe we flew through a rainbow.
(clattering)
(gasping)
I didn’t think I’d be flying today
so I was doing heroin.
Oh.
(strained grunting)
Homie, what are you doing?
You don’t know how to fly!
I drove a car over a cliff once.
How different could it be?
Hmm, what’s the ocean doing in the sky?
(grunting)
There’s only one man who can help us now.
Hello, and welcome to success.
It’s Marge Simpson.
I need you to coach like you’ve never coached before!
Marge, please, I’m with a client.
Now you listen here, bub!
We paid you all the savings we had in the world.
You could at least tell my husband something encouraging.
All right, Homer. What is it you’re attempting to do?
Win over a difficult client?
I’m trying to land a plane with no experience.
Homer, I gotta tell you I’m not very good.
I went to the Harvard of the South.
Duke? That’s good.
-Not Duke. -Vanderbilt?
A little further south.
Don’t make me say it.
(gasps)
Duffman has reported you to the FAA.
This near miss will be investigated
by a board of three retired pilots.
COLBY: Okay, Homer.
I don’t know anything about planes,
but I know about you.
You have what made America great:
no understanding of the limits of your power,
and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you.
So you’ll land that plane.
And do you know why?
Because I heard some guy say you couldn’t.
What? I’ll show him.
I’ll show that guy!
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Elevation 300 feet, 200 feet, 50 feet...
(Homer and Marge scream)
MARGE: Homer, you did it!
You landed a jet!
And now, to taxi to the terminal.
HOMER: D’oh!
Marge, flying in private jets is great and all,
but it’s just too dangerous.
That’s why I’ve decided to go to the plant
and beg Mr. Burns for my old job back.
I understand, Homie.
And at least we can take
the extra income you’ve earned in the last few months
and set it aside for a rainy day.
You’d think so, but no.
Mr. Richie, your American Music Awards are weighing us down!
Let them go!
You let yours go!
I don’t have any.
That’s right, you don’t!
(laughs smugly)
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
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