CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(school bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(saxophone solo)
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(screaming)
(gasps)
(Marge humming)
Wow, Bart!
Lookin’ good! (chuckles)
Well, I have to look good for tomorrow.
Right...
tomorrow.
Homer, you do know what tomorrow is.
Think. Think.
I’m not thinking. You think.
You have to think, it’s your job!
(mocking): You have to think, it’s your job.
Why you little...
(grunting)
Homer!
Lisa is receiving
the Student of the Millennium Award at school.
To be fair,
the millennium just started,
so it’s not that big a deal.
But they’re giving it to me.
(giggles)
You have to be there.
You miss way too many precious moments
in the childrens’ lives.
What?! Name 12.
Well, just this week,
there’s been field day,
picking me up from the airport...
And the Father- Daughter Dance.
Lisa, if you like, I’m certified
to conduct a mock father/daughter conversation.
Just dance.
Homer, you cannot miss Lisa’s big day.
And you have to come sober!
American sober or Irish sober?
Point zero eight sober.
Point one five.
Point zero nine.
Point one zero with a stomach full of bread.
My final offer.
(grunts) Deal.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
-(ringing) -(moans)
Can’t be late for Lisa’s big day.
(hums)
I’m gonna make it.
I’ll be on time for Lisa’s thing.
Ooh, an awesome accident.
Easy, easy...
I’ll just take three seconds to gawk.
Aw, everyone’s okay.
(tires squealing)
Gonna make it. Gonna make it.
Whoo-hoo!
(grunts)
An hour and 54 minutes to spare.
With my free time I can finally work on my Superman novel.
"’Make way for Superman,’
said Superman as he punched everyone at the Coffee Bean.
Chapter Two..."
Oh, man,
they just keep kicking off awards season
earlier and earlier.
Yeah, the whole thing is just a scam
to sell ad space in the school paper.
JIMBO: That’s the place that did both my Grandmas.
DOLPH: I did both your grandmas.
Shut up!
KEARNEY: Shall we look at the next one?
Willie.
He’ll buy beer for you,
but he’ll make you drink it with him.
(boys chuckling)
(meowing)
Darn these long bank lines.
Although it does give me a moment with my thoughts.
Ooh...
(grunts) Darn these long bank lines.
(frustrated grunting)
(continues grunting)
That old man over there
isn’t even making a transaction.
He just wants someone to talk to.
Before this was the Bank of Springfield,
this was the Midwest Savings and Loan.
And before that, it was an abandoned theater.
And before that, it was a theater.
Where’s Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?
Well, if I know doctors, he’s probably golfing.
(both chuckle)
Excuse me for a moment.
Everyone down on the floor, now!
(gunshot, glass breaks)
(grunting)
This is a robbery!
Uh, not a separate robbery--
we’re together.
You mean like a couple?
-No! -Yes!
Oh, great.
We’re being robbed by Johnny and Clyde!
(patrons laughing)
(cries out)
Stay away from that button!
(alarm ringing)
Damn it!
(Skinner clearing throat)
Hm...
Well, Marge, who’s the unfit parent now?
(chuckles)
You know, a principal’s dream
would be to have a school with nothing but Lisa Simpsons.
Unfortunately, the rest of you exist.
From her grade-grubbing to her apple polishing...
(phone ringing)
ROBBER: She’s got a cell phone!
We didn’t plan for this, man.
We didn’t plan for this.
Ol’ Gil’s here for his first day as security guard.
Oh, boy... (gunshots)
(screaming, glass breaking)
Oh, no. Now it’s murder, man.
It’s murder.
(screams)
Uh, Chief,
looks like we got a 64-G in progress.
Armed robbery with a gun.
(groans)
Come on, Chief, you know this.
Oh, a shooty-stealy.
And now the reason we’re all here today...
Lisa Simpson!
(cell phone playing)
Oh, hello, Marge.
I’m at the most important event of our daughter’s life,
and you’re totally late.
Am I disappointed? Yes.
Am I surprised? No.
(whispering): Homer.
I’m a hostage in a bank robbery.
What?! Oh, my God, my sweet Margie!
Okay, listen very carefully.
Don’t do anything they say,
remain panicky, and above all, try to be a hero.
Homer, I have to go.
If I don’t make it, feel free to remarry--
from anyone on the list in the bulletin board in the closet.
(sobbing)
Goodbye, my love!
Okay, this isn’t the way I planned it,
but you can make it out alive
as long as there’s no funny stuff.
Don’t worry about me.
I was voted America’s least funny clown.
Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia,
Stinko, Blumpy.
Even worse Sergeant Serious!
How could I do worse than him?!
I stole all his jokes!
(Homer panting)
Chief, you gotta do something--
my current wife is in there!
Maybe you should take over,
’cause I got no stake in this.
This isn’t even my bank.
I’m over at First Federal.
(moans)
-(explosion) -Oh! Dye pack!
Man, that stings.
-(explosion) -Oh. Damn it!
What are you looking at, huh?
(explosion, screams)
Oh! Is anyone else a dye pack?
Tell me now, and I won’t shoot you.
I... Ooh!
You said diabetic, right?
(sighs)
Finally, the help we need-- a DVD of The Negotiator.
Hmm, hmm.
Which chapter should we skip to?
"Meet Danny Roman," "Trouble Brewing,"
"Off the Case," "My Baby’s in There,"
"Enter Niebaum," "Take the Shot,"
"Sabian’s Choice," "Check and Mate,"
"Friends At Last," "Closing Credits"?
Oh, man, oh, man.
What the hell’s taking them so long?
They must be getting ready to kill me!
It’s no fair.
I shouldn’t die.
I just came here to check the date!
(sobbing)
(clears throat)
Dwight, use your noodle.
If you surrender now,
you’re only looking at a few years in jail.
I’ll tell them you’re a good guy.
Marge, I can’t go back to prison.
I’ve got no wife, I’ve got no family.
I’ve got nothing!
(guns cocking)
If I give myself up,
will you come visit me in the joint?
Hey, if I can say yes to Chinese toys that kill kids,
you can say yes to him.
Okay, I’ll visit you, Dwight.
(Marge groans)
Oh, Marge, I was afraid I was going to lose you!
(sobs)
Now let me help you
make your slow transition back to society.
I just want to go home.
You have a new home now with us.
(Marge groans)
See ya soon, Marge. Real soon!
Just like you promised!
(maniacal laughter)
(chuckles nervously) Hmm.
Sweetheart, what’s wrong?
I promised that bank robber
that I’d visit him in jail,
but I just can’t do it.
You don’t owe him anything.
Moe was in the hospital for three weeks,
and I didn’t visit him once.
You said you visited him every night.
Moe the tavern, not Moe the person.
Well, promises mean more to me.
Okay, you gave your word.
You’re going to visit him, no excuses.
Ooh! Shlomo’s Judaica is having a blowout on dreidels.
(tires squealing)
All right, this time I’m going.
I’m really going to visit a bank robber.
A man who held a gun on me.
Going to see him in prison,
where guards will frisk me, paw through my purse, and...
Ooh, there’s apple picking just up the road!
I’m getting a visitor today.
I’m so nervous it feels like
I keistered a bunch of butterflies.
Dude, I highly doubt you’re getting a visitor.
People don’t like you.
You come off needy and bug-eyed.
You’re wrong.
Marge is coming. She is.
Easy, bro. It’s not like she’s your mother.
I wish she was.
My real mother abandoned me in an amusement park.
All I have left is a caricature from that day.
Ooh. That is harsh.
Hey, baby.
Listen carefully.
Someone’s been editing my biography on Wikipedia.
I want you to kill him.
No problem, sweetie.
I’ll dump his body in the same lake as your lousy lawyer.
(gasps): Then when you get out, we can have a picnic there!
Aw, that’s so sweet.
Anyone for me?
I really shouldn’t show up without an apple pie for Dwight.
In fact, I really shouldn’t show up without an apple pie
for everyone at the prison.
Oh, my, it’s 5:00.
I missed visiting hours.
Perfect!
Look, Lisa.
I put new filaments in all our burned-out lightbulbs.
Your father, the millionaire,
thought we should throw these away.
Mom, I think there’s something you’re trying to avoid.
Or someone.
(laughs)
Don’t be silly, Lisa. In fact...
(phone ringing, Marge screams)
(grunts)
(grinding, phone continues ringing)
(phone continues ringing)
Damn these sturdy, foreign-built phones.
(phone ringing)
Hello. Hello?
MARGE: Hello?
-(phone rings) -Marge?
Hello, this is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman,
urging you to vote no on Proposition 87.
If we outlaw crossbows in our public schools,
who’s gonna protect our childre from charging elk?
Thank you for your time, and as always...
(loudly): I say Wango!
I say Tango!
MAN: (on TV): We now return to A Kiss Before Frying.
(Irish accent): It’s almost midnight.
They’ll be coming soon, Johnny.
Coming to take you to the electric chair.
(gasps)
I ain’t afraid of old sparky,
the hot seat, the kilowatt couch,
the death davenport, the electric lap,
the crook cooker, the scorch stool!
I ain’t afraid, see?
No, Johnny, I don’t see.
You’re going straight to hell, you know.
I ain’t afraid, ’cause my sainted Ma
is comin’ to visit before I go.
And when I sit down on the jolt throne,
I’ll be lookin’ into Ma’s sweet face
as my tongue explodes in my mouth
and the goo boils in my eyes.
Oh, poor Johnny Stabbo.
(thunder crashing loudly)
(coughing)
Damn it!
(sobbing)
Ma! Ma! Where are you, Ma?
Don’t give up hope, Johnny!
Give up hope, Johnny.
Your Ma ain’t coming.
Now, if I may do the honors.
Ma. Ma. Ma...!
(electrical crackling) (screaming)
(prolonged): Ma...!
(crackling stops)
-Ma...! -(electrical crackling)
(thunder crashing loudly)
(maniacal laughter)
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪
("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing)
You’re out.
ITCHY: Psst, psst!
(cash register rings)
(camera shutters clicking)
You’re disgracing America’s pastime.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
What the...?
(rapid gunfire)
(screaming)
(screams)
("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing)
(camera shutters clicking)
We interrupt this Annie Award-winning cartoon
for an important bulletin.
Convicted bank robber Dwight David Diddlehopper
has escaped from Springfield Penitentiary.
The escapee left a note saying he will turn himself in
after he takes care of one unfinished piece of business.
The police have issued a statement saying,
"That seems more than fair."
(gasps)
♪ Who can it be now? ♪
♪ Who can it be knocking at my door? ♪
♪ Make no sound ♪
♪ Tiptoe across the floor ♪
♪ If he hears, he’ll knock all... ♪
(music stops) Oh, hey, oh.
Oh, wait, this ain’t where I go to vote.
(chuckles nervously)
Hello, Marge.
(groans)
Man, these cars look all alike.
Now drive!
Dwight!
(chuckles nervously)
I-I was just on my way to see you in prison.
Really, Marge?
-Look me in the eyes and say that. -Okay.
They’re so buggy, I can’t.
Dwight, please, don’t do anything crazy.
-Just pull over there. -Huh?
Um, what are we doing here?
This is where my mom abandoned me.
Oh, that’s so sad.
Ya think?
Marge, can you please give me the day my mother didn’t?
Ride some rides, eat some cotton candy.
Then I’ll let you go home.
Okay, but I’d feel better about it
if you got rid of the gun.
I’d like to, but then you’ll leave like she did.
Can you at least put it in your jacket?
Fine, but I’m still gonna make that pointy shape.
Krusty.
I haven’t see you since that terrifying day.
Uh, you’ll have to be way more specific.
We were hostages at the bank.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry I offered your life for my safety.
(laughs)
Look, it’s Marge!
With Dwight!
I said there was a spark between them,
and you said, "No way."
I saw it, I just didn’t feel like talking to you.
Wait, something’s screwy here.
I’m calling the cops.
Don’t bother, they’re right over there.
Easy, easy.
Line up your shot, then squeeze it off.
(gunshot)
Uh, Chief, I think we got a hostage situation over there.
Can’t a man spend one minute with his stuffed monkey?
One minute?
(to self): Monkey would make a better chief.
What did you say?
I said the monkey would make a better chief!
He’s a good monkey, all right.
Hm...
(gasping)
The Viking boats!
This is where I lost my first mom.
MARGE: Oh...
Well, this mom is not gonna say bug-eye.
I mean, goodbye.
Damn it!
Boy, I really feel like a Viking in this thing.
I’ll show them which monkey would make the best chief!
(Wiggum grunts)
(screams)
Stop the boats!
(snapping)
(Spanish accent): Sorry, Mister.
(Wiggum groans)
Are you kidding me?!
Ow!
Dwight, do something!
Okay. For you, Ma.
(Wiggum yelling)
-(cracking) -WIGGUM: Great.
Dwight?
Are you okay? Dwight!
He’ll be fine.
Not you and me fine, but fine.
Hey, leave the comedy to me.
Okay, funny man, make me laugh.
Huh. Uh-uh.
Instead of a carnival ride, what if he was run over
by a Zamboni with a moustache?
-I don’t see how. -Then I got nothing.
Dwight, that was the most unselfish thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m sorry I didn’t visit you before.
HOMER: Hey, Marge.
Look at us, the four amigos.
They’re gonna let me do some odd jobs for them on the outside.
Listen, outside my cell,
I saw one dandelion growing.
I picked it for you.
Aw!
Then I pressed it in my Bible to dry.
Oh!
I carved a frame for it out of a bar of soap.
-Aw! -Read the inscription on the back.
"You chat up the guard at the gate,
while I knife the guard behind me."
I can’t do that, Dwight.
I figured you’d say that.
But you can keep it though.
Aw, thank you.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Enhanced by Fotokem