CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(screams)
Huh?
♪ L is for the way you look at me ♪
♪ O is for the only one I see ♪
♪ V is very, very ♪
♪ Extraordinary ♪
♪ E is even more than anyone that you adore can ♪
I can’t wait to see my Valentine’s Day surprise.
Good, ’cause I’m parking at it right now.
A carnival?
What’s so romantic about this?
-Bye! -See you later!
For the next two hours, we’ll be kid-free.
It’ll be just like the time
we lost them at the mall.
(chuckles)
That was the best Christmas ever.
Ah, the Tunnel of Love.
Nothing gets a woman in your arms faster
than scary robots and simulated privacy.
-(growling) -(screams)
(chuckling)
-(growling) -(screams)
-(chuckles) -(growling)
-(screams) -(giggles)
(passionate moaning)
-(growling) -(screams)
(both laugh)
(both moaning)
Marge! Look over there!
(screaming)
(both laugh)
(both moaning)
Mom and Dad are in there.
Want to ruin their fun?
Bart, no, it’s Valentine’s Day.
Okay...
but if Dad kisses Mom too much,
a stork will lay an angel egg in her tummy,
and the next thing you know,
we find a baby brother in the cabbage patch!
Here’s a thumbnail sketch:
In the first place, you...
Do whatever you want.
I’m getting a candy apple.
(chuckles)
(laughs sinisterly)
(cackling)
MAN (over PA): Due to a classic Jell-O prank,
this ride has been disabled.
(cackling)
Please remain in your boats.
You will be charged for the extra time.
(cackling)
This is a terrible Valentine’s Day.
What if I told you some of the greatest
love stories of all time?
(cackling)
"Romeo and Juliet"?
"Arthur and Guinevere"?
Brangelina?
(cackling)
Even better, a tale of...
-One moment. -(cackling)
A tale of two young outlaws in love.
They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their day.
Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.
Miss Bonnie,
might I escort you to the picture show?
I swear I won’t misbehave.
Then no, thank you.
This is Texas,
future home of Akeem Olajuwon!
And I’ve got dreams as big as he will be.
I want action!
Action, eh?
-(grunts) -(groans)
Clyde Barrow,
local bad boy.
Bonnie Parker.
Say, if you’re so bad,
you could go stick up
that feed store over yonder.
-Hmm. -Unless...
you’re chicken.
No one calls me "chicken"
without goading me into doing something stupid!
(glass shattering)
(mahine gun fire)
GRAMPA: Ya idjit!
You could’ve had anything you want for free!
You’re a co-owner!
I’ll see you at Thanksgiving!
(rapid gunfire)
Oats!
Texas caviar!
(excited laughter)
HOMER: Good times.
(passionate moaning)
Finally. Some excitement.
CLYDE: Wow, I guess violence is her only turn-on.
Well, there might be others,
but I’m too lazy to figure out what they are.
So violence it is!
Oh, there’s somethin’ this kissin’ is missin’.
Oh, Clyde, you know just what a girl likes.
-(moaning) -(chuckles)
-(rapid gunfire) -(howling with laughter)
Why are you shooting at us?
We cooperated fully!
It’s a sex thing!
Say no more!
(starter grinding)
Hey, can I give you folks a lift?
Yes, to a series of banks, up and down the state.
Banks? Well, deposit yourselves in a seat
because you’ve earned my interest!
(gunfire)
NEWSREEL NARRATOR: Dateline: Texas.
A nation, crippled by unemployment
and bored by Seabiscuit,
embraces two unlikely folk heroes.
(people cheering)
Bonnie and Clyde souvenirs are flying off the shelves,
and the Dust Bowl duo has inspired their own radio show.
ACTOR ( a la young George Burns): Uh, Bonnie,
where did you put the money we stole?
ACTRESS (a la Gracie Allen): I filed it under "G."
Under "G"?
Why would you file it under "G"?
Because gee , it’s swell to have all that money.
I see.
NEWSREEL NARRATOR: Their notoriety has reached
the highest levels of government.
To deal with the menace of Bonnie and Clyde,
I am recalling all our air defense forces
from Pearl Harbor.
(cheering)
Somebody please remind me to move them back.
I would be honored to perform that duty.
They’re outlaws?!
I’ve been played like a pair of spoons!
Well, who am I to judge?
It’s the Depression, money’s tight...
NEWSREEL NARRATOR: Anyone who sees this unmarried couple should...
Unmarried?!
That’s it. I’m turning them in.
Hey, keep it down, will ya?
The part where all my men get killed is coming up.
Listen, Sheriff, I can help you take down Bonnie and Clyde.
(sighs) After the racially insensitive cartoon.
("La Cucaracha" playing)
(snoring)
(gasps)
One taco coming up.
(rumbling)
(laughing)
Even I’m offended by this,
and I’m a fat Southern sheriff.
Um... the battery seems to be dead.
I’ll get some help by hiding in that bush.
Come on, shoot! Shoot!
Oh! Not me!
(cocking gun) (rapid gunfire)
Bonnie, I love you.
Will you marry me?
I don’t know.
I guess I’m just looking for a little more excitement.
Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where I’m at.
Mm, I think we should see other people.
Say, Officer, I like how you handle that gun.
Thanks.
I like the way you take a bullet.
Hey, back off! She’s my girl!
Darn. Just my luck.
(rapid gunfire) Cool. Now we’re shooting the birds
that are pecking at the bodies.
(imitating gunfire)
Ow! Oh! Oh!
(imitating gunfire)
Aah! Gaa!
(imitating gunfire)
Oh! Gaa! Gah!
So that’s the end of the story, huh?
You’d think so, but...
(imitating gunfire)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
(squishing)
We want to hear a story.
A story suitable for children.
All right.
This is a story of two dogs with a love so strong,
no hose could separate them.
I call it Shady and the Vamp.
(bright, cheery music plays)
(humming, panting playfully)
(sighs): She’s so beautiful.
Imagine what she looks like with her collar off.
A mutt like you could never get
a fancy dame like that.
Even her fleas have more class than you.
(classical music playing )
(snooty accent): Lady Bitington, will you be summering
in the hindquarters again this year?
Oh, no!
Chompy and I have taken a cottage in West Leg.
It’s where all the fleas are fleeing.
(pretentious giggling)
Watch and learn.
(barks)
You know, heaven must have left its doggie door open
because you are one...
(repeated grunts and groans)
(gate creaks)
(gasps) Oh, you poor thing!
Is there anything I can do?
(woozily) You can have dinner with me.
(warily) All right.
But keep your nose where I can see it.
Can you bring a friend for me?
I like those chicks with them head cones--
when they start talking, you can drop below the horizon.
(annoyed grunt)
(scratching)
Oh, Shady, you on a date, huh?
How’s it-a goin’?
Ruff! Ruff!
Oh, you say it’s-a goin’ kinda-a rough?
That is precisely what I’m saying.
Sit down. Sit down.
I bring-a you a nice-a bowl of Chianti.
(plays romantic melody)
(slurping)
Let go! Let go!
(muffled) No. You let go of the spaghetti!
(grunts, barks)
(slurps)
(giggling)
(chuckling) Hey.
You’re pretty feisty for an upper-class bitch.
Oh, I like that you use
the technical term for a female dog.
LUIGI: Run, run!
The health inspector man, she’s-a here!
Why didn’t I listen to Mama?
"Serve-a food to humans!"
(playful laughter)
I have to admit, that was exciting.
And... I am in heat.
That’s the safe time, right?
Oh, the safest.
(chuckles)
(both moaning)
(music swells)
That was the most wonderful night of my life.
(retches)
That’s odd.
I’m never sick in the morning.
What could it be?
Oh, uh... Is that a foxhunt I hear?
(imitating hunting horn)
Shady!
(sighs heavily)
I haven’t seen Shady in weeks.
(music begins)
♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ He’ll scamper through that doggie door ♪
♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ I’ll be the dog she’s lookin’ for ♪
♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ You’ll be stuck with her brood ♪
♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ This pooch will know she’s screwed ♪
♪ My heart tells me to trust him ♪
♪ But your head knows he’s a hound ♪
♪ I want to do the right thing ♪
♪ Come on, with all this high-class tail around? ♪
FLEAS: ♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ Our girl will make a brand-new start ♪
♪ Yesss! ♪
♪ Any minute now ♪
♪ I won’t care that he broke my heart ♪
♪ Any minute now ♪
(playful yipping)
-Where’s our dad? -We need Daddy!
-I want to go find Daddy! -Where’s Daddy?!
I don’t want to hear another word about your father.
(sobbing)
Hm?
We gotta find our daddy.
Yeah, he’s gotta teach me how to lick my...
Oh, I figured it out.
You go ahead.
Come on!
-Oh, Shady! -Oh, Shady!
-Shady! -Shady!
-Daddy! -Daddy!
We need you, Daddy!
Daddy!
Ah, got ya!
You strays are going straight to the pound
where you’ll be put to sleep...
by my boring stories.
And then you’ll be killed!
(screaming)
Ah, looks like that problem solved it self.
Now, uh, how ’bout you and me sniff each other’s butts?
(embarrassed chuckling): I’m just kiddin’.
Unless you want to.
Well, Looks like it’s just you and me again tonight.
(grunting)
(Goofy voice): Gawrsh, you can’t kill me.
I’m half-human!
Look, I wear clothes! I speak English!
I’m speaking it right now!
Sure you are.
(gas hissing)
(Goofy coughing, gasping)
(gasping fades)
(both gasp)
You two are next.
Here’s your last meal.
It’s Cycle 5,
specially formulated for dogs with five minutes to live.
(barks)
Don’t bite the hand that kills ye!
-(barking) -(screaming)
Yay, Dad!
I knew you’d come save us!
You two are going home, and I’m coming with ya!
(barking)
(latch opens)
(coughing)
This place is no picnic,
but it sure beats working for Disney.
(Goofy laugh)
(gasps)
Look who we found!
Can I keep him? Can we keep him?
Well, that depends.
Does he want to stay?
I want to stay, sit,
roll over and beg!
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please...!
All right, we can be a family.
(kissing)
(chuckles) All four of us.
Uh... you know, there are nine other puppies.
Ruh-oh.
(barking)
Oh, even love is boring when you’re stuck in a tunnel of it.
Well, I’ve got a Valentine’s Day story!
It’s about musicians from a simpler time.
The era of The Brady Bunch, Donny and Marie and...
(raucous punk rock song playing)
♪ Smash the flag ♪
♪ Burn the queen ♪
♪ Kick the sky ♪
♪ Antichrist! ♪
Nancy, what are the odds?
You sign up for a semester at U. of London;
then I immediately do the same.
Yeah, I’m really lucky you saved me
from meeting other people and having new experiences.
(punk rock song playing inside club)
What is that raw, primal sound?
You can’t go in there.
Our guidebook says not to!
(shouting): ♪ Hitler and her majesty ♪
♪ Sittin’ in a tree ♪
♪ B-O-R-R-I-N-G! ♪
You rule, Sid Vicious!
You sicken me!
(grunts)
Why am I hittin’ myself?
He’s so uncompromising.
He’d never go for an uncool spelling bee champion like me.
I’ve spelled "unrequited."
Now I know what it means.
Yo. I got Duds,
Chunks, Twix, Cadbury’s, any way you want to go.
Chocolate?
Nancy’s too smart to put that in her body.
It’s only for losers, like musicians and...
Musicians?!
That’s my girlfriend.
Then I guess you’ll be paying for her chocolate.
Uh, okay.
Gotcha!
That’s nice work, officer Otto.
(British accent): Happy to be of service, old bean.
♪ ...cannon, neat, neat, neat ♪
♪ She can’t afford a gun at all ♪
♪ Neat, neat, neat. ♪
(coin clinks in slot)
♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y ♪
♪ Night! ♪
♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night !
(grunting)
(laughing)
(door squeaks open)
(British accent): Look, an American nerd bird.
Nerd bird?
Would a nerd bird have chocolate, huh?
Would a nerd bird?
(British accent): Stop saying "nerd bird!"
Chocolate is boring.
Maybe I’ll have a piece.
You know, just to see how boring it is.
Oh, you’re offering me some?
Um... I guess I could.
I mean, I do it all the time!
-Oh! -Oh!
Yup, it’s boring all right.
How much more you got?
Lots.
♪ Ever fallen in love with someone? ♪
♪ In love, in love with someone ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love ♪
♪ In love with someone ♪
♪ You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with? ♪
♪ I can’t see much of a future ♪
(knocking)
♪ Unless we find out what’s to blame ♪
♪ What a shame ♪
♪ And we won’t be together much longer ♪
♪ Unless we realize that we are the same ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love with someone ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love ♪
♪ In love with someone ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love ♪
♪ In love with someone ♪
♪ You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with? ♪
We’re gonna go out and play our songs
like we’ve never played them before-- competently!
Oh... Where’s Sid?
Sidney Sheldon Vicious!
Where you been, chompin’ Wonka?
(both laughing)
When I hired a guy named Sid Vicious,
I assumed it would be a 30-year business relationship.
I told you to hire Tom Responsible.
Slag off.
Here they are, all the way from outside of Texas:
the Sex Pistols.
(grumbling)
♪ Education’s bollocks! ♪
♪ Bollocks! ♪
♪ America is bollocks! ♪
♪ Bollocks! ♪
♪ Politeness is bollocks! ♪
♪ Bollocks! ♪
(groans)
Can’t reach me bass.
Me back is frontward!
(cymbals clank)
(explosion)
Dang it, I wanted to hear what else was bollocks!
(clamoring)
(chicken clucking)
You gobbed up our gig, you git!
(groans)
You leave Sid alone!
He doesn’t need you!
He’s quitting the band!
I’m doing what now?
You’re quitting the band.
He’s going solo, and I’m gonna write his songs!
Yeah!
Hey, you guys want to be in my new band?
(groans) Just stop talking
and bang your head against the wall!
(grunting)
I’m doing this ’cause I want to,
not ’cause she told me to.
Bang harder!
Yes, pet.
(grunting)
(rock intro plays)
♪ ’Cause love is the elixir ♪
♪ The potion of emotion ♪
♪ The world-saving fixer ♪
♪ The lotion of devotion. ♪
This song doesn’t make me feel angry at all.
If anything, it makes my anger ebb!
(grunts)
Your music violates everything punk stands for,
which is nothing!
You are no longer welcome at CBGB’s--
Comic Book Guy’s Bar.
Oh, forget those jerks.
Let’s go back to the hotel and get Snicker-faced.
Oh, I love you, my Hershey hero.
And I love you, Tootsie Roll.
(otherwordly music plays)
Happy Valentine’s Day
and shut your gob.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
Enhanced by Fotokem