CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
D’oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
(clicking)
("Hooray for Hollywood" playing)
(camera shutters clicking)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 38th annual Springfield Showbiz Awards.
There are more stars here tonight
than you can see in the sky, thanks to light pollution.
Here comes the magnificently-mammaried,
mistress of midnight movie mayhem, Booberella.
The twins look happy tonight.
And what have we here?
It’s ventriloquist Arthur Crandall
and his walnut wingman, Gabbo.
Gabbo! Gabbo, over here!
Get a job, parasites.
(goofy laughter)
(British accent): We now come to our final award,
"Entertainer of the Year."
An award so prestigious, that it recently won
the "Award of the Year" award at the 2007 Awardy Awards.
This year’s nominees are an eclectic group.
SIDESHOW MEL: This distinguished-looking gentleman
is a highly-respected actor.
It’s not important what he says, or who he’s a parody of.
Only one person here really matters--
the recipient of this award.
No, it is not me.
I am but your humble narrator
in this tale of fame, betrayal and coin collecting.
But more about that later.
Nor is it him.
Nor him.
Nor ham.
No, tonight is about her.
This year’s award goes to...
Lisa Simpson.
(applause and cheering)
SIDESHOW MEL: Surprised?
Let me start at the beginning,
and tell you a little bit about Lisa.
In fact, All About Lisa.
ANNOUNCER: And now, in honor of Krusty’s 4,000th episode,
put your hands together for Drew Carey.
-(cheering) -Thank you.
Thank you.
Wow, 4,000 episodes.
It seems like just yesterday
Krusty stole his first joke from me.
Seriously, though, I remember watching him as a kid,
and I thought, "I could do that, and I’m a kid."
What I love about Krusty is, he’s always on...
but to find out what, you’ve gotta test his pee.
-Pee! -(laughter)
Seriously, test his pee.
He’s a danger to the community.
And now I give you a man whose act will never grow old,
because it started out that way:
(laughing)
Krusty the Clown.
(goofy laughter, audience cheering)
Thank you.
I never thought I’d make it past 400 episodes,
what with the drinking and the smoking
and the fact that I’m just not that good.
It seems like just yesterday that we started the show,
with the original Krusketeers.
(playing upbeat melody)
♪ Who’s our favorite TV clown who likes to clown around? ♪
♪ K-R-U... ♪
♪ S-T-Y... ♪
Hey! Quit steppin’ on my solo, ya creepy little show monkeys!
(Krusty stammering)
(laughing nervously)
And here they are today.
Come on out, Krusketeers.
I’m Jesse.
(upbeat theme song playing)
-(bone cracks) -Ow.
C.J.
(purring seductively)
You owe me money, Krusty.
I did time for you, clown.
Hard time.
Isn’t that great.
They all came back to see me.
That’s right.
All except the successful ones.
Now guess what, kids?
The Krusty Show is searching for a new Krusketeer.
It could be any of you.
As long you’re willing to sign
a 20 year personal services contract
where I get 99% of all your earnings.
(laughing)
I am so gonna try out for that.
Me, too.
But I hope you get it.
No, I hope you get it.
Well, I really hope you get it.
Yeah, I hope I get it, too. Later.
For a second there, he hoped I got it.
(squeals happily)
A great man once observed:
"90% of success is showing up on time."
Sorry I’m four hours late.
Now let’s pick a Krusketeer!
(plays note)
(cracks knuckles)
-♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow, ow ♪
-♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow! ♪
-♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow, ow ♪
-♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow...! ♪
For my first impression...
I’m a lantern fish.
(laughter)
Now I’m a jack-o’-lantern.
(laughter)
E.T.
B.E.T.
-(cheering and whistling) -Yay, Bart!
My son’s a good-for-somethin’!
Uh, yeah, okay.
You kids were all terrific.
I wish I could make each of you a Krusketeer,
but we only have enough money for one.
Plus, I don’t really want to.
So after much consideration of all your talents,
(drumroll) my new Krusketeer is...
What’s your kid’s name again?
Nelson Muntz.
Wilbur Mudd.
That’s me.
-Here’s Mudd in your eye. -Ow!
(Nelson humming)
I can’t believe I lost.
That’s not fair-- Bart was great.
Hey, Krusty, you’re making a huge mistake
not hiring my brother.
Why don’t you hire them both?
It won’t cost you anything--
you could call Bart an intern.
In fact, the intern thing
could open up a whole new world of free labor for you.
Did you know the Discovery Channel
doesn’t have a single paid employee?
Hm. Okay, kid, you’ve convinced me.
To make Bart a Krusketeer?
Hell, no.
To make you my new intern.
You’re a real go-getter.
Now go get me my dry-cleaning,
which is my code word for scotch.
And get me a scotch,
which is my code word for my bookie.
Also, go get my dry-cleaning.
Wha... but...
Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but.
What are you standing around for?
I wish I was paying you, so I could dock your salary.
(groans)
SIDESHOW MEL: Lisa didn’t know it then,
but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show.
And it is a business,
as you shall find out in about three seconds.
Two... one...
SHOW MEL: Over the years, show business has been home
to scoundrels and saints, thespians and harlequins,
Abbots and Costelli.
And they all had one thing in common--
an underpaid assistant.
Cancel my 1:00.
Move my 2:00 to 1:00 and cancel that.
Oh, and go to my joke file
and make all the "Sophia Lorens"
into "Lindsay Lohans."
So do a global change?
What am I, Al Gore? Just do it.
(humming)
What are you lookin’ at?
I’m just trying to hit my marks.
And I don’t? Is that what you’re saying?
No, no.
I think you’re a consummate pro.
Oh, so now you’re judging me.
Well, whaddaya think of this: you’re fired.
Yeah, well, my mom says you’re a selfish lover.
I know what I want and I get it.
(grunting)
I’ll trash you in my memoirs!
Pay attention-- you’ll be writing my memoirs.
(moans): I’ll never last here.
Chin up, little gofer.
You can succeed with Krusty.
A few hints: Always carry a cigar in case he asks.
Never meet his gaze.
And if he mentions Mitzi Gaynor-- and he will--
for God’s sake act like you know who she is.
I got pastrami stuck in my teeth,
and that’s everybody’s problem.
Who’s got floss?
(whimpering)
(panicked chattering)
Mm-hmm.
Here you go, Krusty.
Uh-huh. (grunting)
Nicely done, kid.
You’re the best thing that’s happened
to this business since...
Mitzi Gaynor?
I was gonna say "cheap Korean animation," but sure.
(Bart moans)
I can’t believe you’re working for Krusty and I’m not.
I know everything about that clown.
Favorite blintz: blueberry.
Favorite horse in the 2004 Belmont: Smarty Jones.
Krusty lost a bundle and had to endorse baby wipes in Norway.
Which I have a case of.
LISA (reading):
(muttering) Krusty...
Bart’s having girl trouble.
You better go talk to him.
It’s clown trouble.
That’s your responsibility.
I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and pets dying.
Yeah, well, we’re adding clowns.
Oh! Fine.
But you just bought yourself "ear piercing"
-and "strange new feelings." -Fine.
Lisa’s got school, career, posture.
Why did she have to steal Krusty from me?
Son, the healthy thing is to get rid of everything
that reminds you of Krusty...
which appears to be everything.
Hey, maybe we should give Lisa this room.
You know she works for Krusty now.
(moans)
BART: Okay, here’s my offer:
All this primo Krusty merchandise
for that copy of Radioactive Man vs. Muhammad Ali.
My counteroffer:
Radioactive Man Meets the Kansas City Royals.
How about Radioactive Man vs. Restless Leg Syndrome ?
Let us try a different tack.
Are you interested in coin collecting?
Am I?! No.
Hmm.
Wait, wait, wait.
I will start you off with this bicentennial quarter
and I will throw in my man scrunchie.
(seductive music plays)
Uh, we’ll stick with the coins.
Whoa, nice.
Everything in its place,
nothin’ festering inside of nothin’.
You’ve alphabetized my book collection.
(Krusty laughs)
I’ve never had such a great assistant.
I’m gonna call you "The Goy Wonder."
Because I don’t remember your name.
All right, time to fill these slots with coins.
Specific coins?
(moans): This hobby sucks.
Son, all hobbies suck.
But if you keep at it, you might find at the end
that you’ve managed to kill some precious time.
Wow, I never thought of it like that.
Do you want to collect coins with your old man?
You bet I do!
To your mother’s purse.
( The Andy Griffith Show theme playing)
(shouting gibberish)
HOMER: Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you think of them apples?
(blows landing, water splashing)
LEPRECHAUN: I’ll take all of ya.
(shouting gibberish)
No, don’t put that...
(screaming)
Slide in the 1863 Confederate half dime
and every slot is full.
This is the first book I’ve ever finished reading
or pushing things into.
What the...? We missed one!
BART: "The Inverted Double-struck Penny,
or ’Kissing Lincolns’ was mistakenly minted
in December of 1917,
when a brief glimpse of a woman’s ankle
caused three days of rioting
at the Philadelphia Mint."
The one on the left looks into it,
but the one on the right is just experimenting.
Son, we are getting that coin.
(humming)
Here I am, walking the plank.
I wish this mean pirate wasn’t poking me with his sword!
Where’s the chimp?
Mr. Teeny’s not here.
He’s stuck in traffic.
Oh, what do I do?
I can’t ad lib to save my life.
(hyperventilating)
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
♪ Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of fun. ♪
(whispering): What are you doing, kid?
My job: making you look good.
Oh, yeah, right.
So, what be your name, matey?
Long John Seltzer!
(groaning)
Whoa!
(laughter)
SIDESHOW MEL: The laughter swept over her like a wave,
enveloping her in its intoxicating embrace.
The next week, Krusty went to his Lake Tahoe retreat
for some R&R.
But he was about to get an unexpected visit
from a third and fourth R,
Ron Rabinowitz.
Krusty, I’ve been your agent for 45 years.
I am telling you,
watch out for this Lisa Simpson character.
She has got a taste for Lady Laughter,
and she will step right over a certain clown to get it.
Which clown? Chuckles?
Professor Nitwit?
No, you!
No Yu, the Chinese Clown?
(laughs)
Oh, great one, Krusty.
But seriously, you’re in real trouble here.
(phone ringing) Yeah?
-(monkey chortling) -What do you mean?
If there was a rehearsal for the network,
I would’ve been told by my...
(gasps)
...assistant!
Well, where is he?
I don’t know, I guess he forgot.
But people seemed to like me last week.
You stood in for Mr. Teeny.
How’d you like to stand in for Krusty?
Oh, well, it’s one thing to fill in for a monkey.
But a comedy legend?
I wouldn’t dream of it.
I respect that. Cancel the run-through.
-Okay, I’ll do the monologue. -(nose squeaks)
Evening, Mr. Krusty.
-Great show last... -Sorry,
-I can’t act like you matter! -Huh?
(tires screeching)
Have no fear, the star is here!
Shh! We’re working!
Huh?
So the centipede says:
"I’m goin’! I’m goin’!
I’m just putting on my shoes!"
(laughter)
Now, that’s well-performed comedy!
Oh, my God.
Everything you said came true, Ron.
Uh, Ron?
So you’ll come to the agency tomorrow
and I’ll introduce you to the whole team, okay?
You like egg white omelets?
It’ll be waiting. You’re a good girl.
(groans)
I’ve been replaced by an eight-year-old.
I can be eight!
♪ La, la, la, la. ♪
I’m eight years old.
(sobbing)
SIDESHOW MEL: Krusty, you’ve learned that fame, that fickle beauty,
can leave you when you need it most.
And Lisa had a lesson to learn as well.
A lesson about-- You, there!
Cut that out!
Sorry, sorry.
-♪♪ -Thank you, folks.
You’ve been a great audience.
I’m gonna keep this forever!
SIDESHOW MEL: All of Springfield fell head over heels for Lisa.
(gasps): Here she comes.
Quick, switch from internal monologue to external dialogue!
Shall we visit the commissary to toast your success?
Yeah, sure, Mel.
Let me just wave one more good-bye to my fans.
(cheering and applause)
(music playing, laughter)
(sighing)
While applause rained down on Lisa,
poor Krusty found himself parched.
It’s 3:32 a.m.,
which means it’s time for
Last Gasp with Krusty the Clown!
(scattered applause)
Brought to you by Nappien, Nok-em-Out
and Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids.
Tonight’s guest is local bully, Jimbo Jones?
(scattered applause)
(groans)
This is the lowest I’ve ever sunk
and I once made out with blow-up doll.
(grunting)
Sorry you broke up with me now, Cindy?
One of these has got to be
that smooching Lincoln penny.
Nope. Nope. Dime. Button.
Pepperoni slice. Wait!
This is a classic 1978 Pizza Hut!
Mmm... terrible.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Son,
coin collecting’s a lot like life.
It stopped being fun a long time ago.
But unlike life, I have a solution for this.
(pounding gavel)
Going once, going twice...
sold to Mr. Burns!
I’ve won every coin.
But I feel strangely empty.
Ooh, there’s another coin.
That should do it.
Our last item up for bid is a mint condition
1917 "Kissing Lincoln" penny.
Okay, boy, this is it.
Five dollars!
$500.
Five dollars cash!
Sir, the promise of cash is not an enticement.
The current bid is $500.
Do I hear a counter bid? Going once,
-going twice... -Dad?
$501!
$10 million.
Objection, your honor.
Sir, I am not a judge.
But, um, overruled.
Sold to Mr. Burns for $10 million!
(coins clanging)
Mmm.
I paid a pretty penny for this pretty penny,
-but it was worth it. -(tapping on window)
(window whirring)
Mr. Burns, my son and I have been collecting coins.
It’s really brought us closer together.
That penny you bought tonight
would mean the world to him.
Yes, but the problem is,
if you had it, I wouldn’t.
You see the difficulty.
Mmm. Yeah.
I’ll tell you what,
at least help me buy the boy a gumball.
Do you have change for a nickel?
Oh, of course.
Smithers, step on it!
(laughing)
I only gave him four cents for that nickel.
Monty Burns wins a...
(screams)
HOMER: And... done.
Now, let’s put it on a shelf
and never look at it again.
You got it, boy.
SIDESHOW MEL: And so, bonded by love and larceny,
father and son got dressed,
had a minor disagreement...
-You little... -(gagging)
...patched things up...
(sobbing)
Sorry, Dad.
...and went downtown,
where they watched proudly, as Lisa accepted her award.
(cheering and applause)
(humming)
Lisa, before you walk away from this venerable hall
and into the arms of your adoring fans,
may I have a moment?
Well, I do owe you everything.
Make it quick.
Behold your fellow winners
of the Entertainer of the Year Award.
Hmm.
I don’t recognize any of them.
And why should you?
He appears nightly on Broadway,
selling combs and mints in the men’s room.
She was fired after a bad rehearsal
from Homeboys In Outer Space.
And perhaps the saddest one of all,
he graced stages from London to Los Angeles.
When he played Biff in Death Of A Salesman,
every woman in the audience
wished they were Hap.
But that was before he...
"took the bone."
Melvin Van Horne.
(gasps)
Sideshow Mel?!
It’s you!
How could this happen to you,
to all these wonderful performers?
Applause is an addiction,
like heroin or checking your e-mail.
Once you have a taste,
you’ll do anything to get more.
Don’t end up like these people.
Don’t end up like...
me.
(sobbing)
I need to get out while I still can.
Thank you, Mel.
Everyone, wait!
Um, there’s someone I forgot to thank,
and he’s here tonight. Krusty,
will you come up on stage, please?
What do you want?
You’ve already taken everything I care about.
Really?
So what else is in the news?
This just in: I don’t give a crap.
I’m trying to set you up for laughs.
Trying to set me up with a giraffe?
(laughter)
Oh, right.
You guys know about giraffes-- long legs, big neck.
Here comes the zinger.
Speaking of necks, my girlfriend is a real pain in mine.
She crashed her car into mine and said,
"Look, honey, we have a hybrid."
(laughter)
Timely.
SIDESHOW MEL: By giving everything away,
she was able to keep the only thing that mattered:
her dignity.
God, how I envy her.
(barking)
Ooh, I think I’m in love!
Krusty, please.
My wife is giving birth as we speak!
Just four more takes. Come on.
(Krusty barking)
No!
Oh, Krusty, have a heart.
Ah.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh.
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