Aah!
(exclaims)
(school bell rings)
(belches)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(tires screech, grunts)
Is she gonna be okay, Doc?
She's just fine.
-And here's the baby. -Oh...
I know how to hold one of these.
D'oh!
♪ ♪
(classical music plays on TV)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching The Learning Network,
where minds grow.
Stay tuned for...
(dramatic voice):
But first...
The following film, made in 1982,
was thought to be lost forever.
Actually, it was misplaced in a box
for the comedy Doctor Detroit.
But its predictions are more terrifying than ever.
Hello, I'm Orson... Welles,
director of Citizen Kane...
Boring.
...as well as the lower left-hand square
on Hollywood Squares.
Ooh, right next to Ruth Buzzi.
In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus
foretold a terrifying series of predictions,
all of which came to pass.
First, his own death. Second,
large wars in Europe, similar to the large wars
he observed in Europe.
And the breakup of Fleetwood Mac.
But Nostradamus's final quatrain contained
one more prediction yet to come:
that shortly after the Antichrist becomes president...
(slurping)
This champagne is terrible.
It tastes like dryer sheets.
But what does said mushroom signify?
Nothing less than World War III.
Ugh, who'd fall for this malarkey?
(gasps) Smithers, I'm scared.
-Release the comforting hounds. -(snaps fingers)
(dogs whining)
Oh, excellent. Now, make them into rugs.
(dog whines)
Anyone left alive will surely find themselves envying...
Who? Who could we possibly envy?
-...the dead. -Aah!
Smithers, the end is nigh, and we must prepare.
Round up this town's greatest minds.
-Should I order pizza? -Uh-huh.
One large cheese, double-cut.
(dramatic music plays)
Attention, fellow members
of the Springfield chapter of Mensa.
Mr. Burns has called us here
to solve an unknown problem of global importance.
But first, Tri-Ominoes!
I say we write and solve our own acrostics.
Yes, after we recite all the words
in the Declaration of Independence
in alphabetical order.
ALL: A, A, A, A, A, A.
Abdicated. Abolish. Abolishing.
Absolute. Absolved.
Silence, you thinkertons.
I summoned you here because the world is about to end.
No, it isn't. What are you afraid of?
Global warming? (laughs)
A.I.? Some sort of plague?
(laughs)
As smarty-pantalones, I am asking you to help with
the Montgomery Burns Doomsday Ark.
This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest
to a better life under my stern rule.
-COMIC BOOK GUY: Oh, gee! -SIDESHOW MEL: Good heavens!
Will there be someone for your more personal needs?
Concubines. Many concubines.
I'll work my way in.
I need you to tell me who is worthy
of surviving the apocalypse with me.
I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy.
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns, this is what Mensa does best--
make everyone else feel stupid.
The only word in English
with three consecutive double letters is...
-Oh, um... -Um...
Um, "gooseberry."
No, "coffee." Coffee-oo.
-Uh, balloon-an-ing. -Bookkeeper.
-Damn it. -Ha!
It's simple. All we need to do is
give everyone in town an IQ test.
The highest scores get on the ark--
Mensa members grandfathered in.
-Sounds good to me. -(all agreeing)
Grandfathered!
Not so fast. Flavin.
Being intelligent people, I am quite sure
that you will take this well.
IQs are meaningless.
-(all gasp) -SIDESHOW MEL: Heresy!
I have the ultimate test
that measures something far more significant:
your overall worth as a human.
Impossible.
Intelligence is the only quotient
that tells you how important you are.
Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six.
Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best.
Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people,
by the Personal Value Quotient. That's P.V.Q.
Oh! Ow! All right, enough with the pelting
and the bonking and the compass in my neck.
Garvik. In order to defuse
your obvious hostilities,
I will make my presentation entertaining, all right?
With a one, and a two, and a 3.14159.
Forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking,
but I find the old IQ test badly lacking.
If you want to find out just what someone can do,
you need to learn that subject's P.V...
Q!
♪ ♪
♪ It tests for ♪
♪ Sympathy and empathy and group collaboration ♪
♪ Artistry and neatness and complex socialization ♪
♪ And every single aspect of a personality ♪
-♪ Hey, the P.V.Q. ♪ -(gasps)
♪ Is A.O.K. with me ♪ (laughs)
♪ ♪
♪ It tests for sarcasm and prudence ♪
♪ Not if you're Isaac Newton ♪
♪ Confidence, ambition ♪
♪ And the teams for whom you're rootin' ♪
♪ So it's all the little foibles ♪
♪ That can make a person whole ♪
♪ Trust the P.V.Q. ♪
♪ The yardstick for the soul ♪
(exclaims)
♪ Now, people, you're all geniuses ♪
-Oh, please... -My, my, well, thank you.
♪ You can see this is no lark ♪
♪ Emotional intelligence is needed for the ark ♪
-Uh-huh. -Hmm...
♪ ♪
♪ You mean earnestness and ego ♪
♪ And if they make a mean burrito ♪
♪ And the social grace to know ♪
♪ When not to wear a Speedo ♪
♪ Every trait that integrates a winning personality ♪
♪ Yes, the P.V.Q. ♪
♪ Is what we'll do to find out who ♪
♪ Will see us through ♪
♪ Yes, the P.V.Q. ♪
♪ Is A.O.K. ♪
♪ With me... ♪
Oivik!
Anyone have a song in rebuttal?
♪ You got to have hear... ♪
Oh, balderdash.
We're going with this man's test.
-Oh, wonderful. -To determine who is worthy
of a seat on my ark.
Uh, but, sir, how do we get everyone in town
to take a test without telling them what it's about?
Mandatory test. Mandatory test!
Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell.
What's the point of this test again?
The way I look at it, the more things
secret corporations know about us, the better, huh?
I like when drones show up bringing me things
I needed but didn't know.
Hmm.
Wow, I am out of deodorant.
We all knew.
Remove all stray marks.
Number two pencil only.
And for God's sake, relax!
This question asks about the price of underwear,
as if I were some landed aristocrat.
(quietly): Hey, can I copy off you?
Be my guest.
(laughs)
"Day is to night as early is to..."
Late. Booyah!
(groans)
Booyah!
(groans)
Booyah!
(groans)
The one test I don't bring my earmuffs.
BROCKMAN (on TV): The results are in.
The newest and most accurate measure
of our intelligence on a scale from one to 500--
500 being best.
-(singsongy): Boring. -Don't shut it off.
I need my score.
(hyperventilating)
(muffled): Thank you.
Now we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast,
from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause
at only your name.
Pause it!
475, my sweet spot. Excellent.
But room to improve.
What?! I am one below Ralph? Ralph?
Honey, it doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you.
It just means he's a more valuable person.
-Ralph? -Keep scrolling.
MARGE: Ooh, 311.
Above average, but not enough to make people mad.
And, it's the number you call to complain about potholes.
Ooh. "H. Simpson: 265."
Exactly the number of days in a year.
(chuckles)
Well, that's good. Let's change the channel.
But we don't know your score.
Like I said, that's good.
Hmm, not there. Not there. Not there.
(gasps)
(sobbing)
I don't need any test.
I'm street-smart.
(bicycle bell dinging)
Haw-haw!
I refuse to accept that my little guy has no future.
He can learn how to put in adding machine tape.
That's how I got through the Depression,
and letting the FBI know which bugle boys
were about to turn boogie-woogie.
We're not giving up on Bart.
And I'm not giving up on you, Homer.
What, you're still trying? In what way?
My will is 38 pages of me yelling at you.
Ooh, I'm in the will.
ORSON WELLES: Charles. Listen to me, Charles.
Not now, Satan.
I'm not Satan, I'm Orson Welles.
Satan would sell wine before its time.
Yes. Now, have you taken my warning seriously?
Oh, but I did. I've already started the ark.
Very good. Now I must go.
God commissioned me to direct a rainbow,
and I've spent half my budget on indigo.
The only answer is to play "red" myself.
-Smithers. Speed up production on the ark. -(bell rings)
Put everyone on it.
Ply them with all the rum and salt it takes.
-Eh, there's no nap like a scaffold nap. -(snoring)
Hey, what do you think we're building, anyway?
I'm betting it's a new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Maybe this one will keep somebody out.
How can Ralph score higher than me?
That's-that's just wrong. (chuckles)
But all my self-esteem comes from tests.
Should I really be pulling on this string?
I am not worse than Ralph!
(shouts, grunts)
-Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph.
Hi, Ralph.
I miss the string through my ears.
LISA: All right, Lisa.
Watch, do not judge.
What makes him superior?
(laughing) Whee!
I'm okay.
WIGGUM (over phone): You have reached the Wiggum residence.
If Ralph is stuck in something, press one.
If something is stuck in Ralph, press two.
If this is Ralph, Daddy is not in the phone.
Do not open the phone looking for me.
What are you doing?
The only thing I'm good at.
Nothing.
That tears it.
We're going to see Professor Frink,
and find out exactly what happened on that test.
Got a little present for you, Bart.
It's called The Bible For The Slow. Mm?
He's not going to take it.
Okily-dokily.
Professor Frink, your stupid test ruined my son's life.
Hey, that test is like a son to me.
I raised it from a quiz.
I've known my son since he was born,
and he's not anywhere near as stupid
as your stupid test says he is.
And if you think so, you're stupid, stupid, stupid!
Wow, Marge.
You really love Bart.
All right, all right, let me recheck it.
Uh, rechecking, rechecking.
Put-upon sigh.
(sighs): Oivik.
Rechecking-- ah, here we are.
Uh, Simpson, B.
That's not a "B."
FRINK: Well, yes, it is, you see, the two--
oh, my garvik!
There was a mistake. Well, your son
has above-average intelligence.
You did it, boy.
No, that just looks like a "B."
The real unfortunate is H. Simpson.
(laughs): I mean, what a clod!
Worst handwriting and brain in town.
-D'oh! -BART: Hey!
I'm H. Simpson.
Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you.
Would you like some water?
-Smartwater? -No.
(moans sadly)
-Homie, aren't you coming? -FRINK: Bye-bye.
I can't. I'll be a laughing stock when everyone finds out
I'm the stupidest man in town.
How are they gonna find out?
I just tweeted it.
Marge, you have to get ahead of these stories.
I'm sorry, sir, you belong here.
Oh! Oh.
Look thou be true.
Do not give dalliance.
Too much of the rein.
(muttering)
Why does Oscar skate in his trash can?
It makes no sense!
(moans)
I'll cheer up here.
One "stupid," please?
Okay, you gave me $40.
Here's two dollars back.
Unless you want splash insurance.
-How much is that? -Another ten.
Uh, here's $20.
And two more for you.
(humming)
-(yelps) -Insurance doesn't cover entryway splashes.
D'oh!
Hey, Homer, uh, we was watching Jeopardy!, but, uh,
tell you what, we'll just talk about shapes and colors now.
I like blue rectangles.
Rectangles. You know, Homer.
The ones with four sides.
Listen, you.
I've known my shapes since I was 16!
Put him down, Homer, and I'll give you a cookie.
That's a coaster.
Ooh! Dummy's wising up.
I'll take the cookie.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm too depressed for Moe's.
MOE: Heya, Homer.
I'm sorry. I know I'm taking up too much of the bed.
Oh, sweetie.
What the entire world thinks doesn't affect how I see you.
Well, how do you see me?
The hair and body of a dashing Friar Tuck.
Ooh. (moaning)
But what about my brains?
My favorite character in The Wizard of Oz
was always the Scarecrow.
I knew it. Thanks to that test,
you see me as stupid first and Homer third.
I mean, second.
I know second.
I won't let you give up.
We're going to start improving you.
Oh, Marge. No one ever did anything useful
after the age of 39.
George W. Bush sobered up.
And became president.
Too huge mistakes.
Homie, this whole mix-up happened
because of your sloppy handwriting.
We'll start with that, improving your handwriting.
Right now, my hand just wants to crawl in my pocket and cry.
Now this hand is jealous.
Mwah.
I know where this is going.
Um, I do, too, but you say it first.
Snuggling.
(gasps) Ooh.
(Ralph humming)
What is his secret? What is his secret?!
I'm going to Dizzyland.
♪ ♪
Want to see me do a cartwheel?
-No! No, no, no! -Good point.
On the other hand, whee! (giggles)
(tires screech)
Don't worry, Lou, I've seen that in cartoons.
Swee'Pea, Mr. Magoo, they were fine.
What about Sylvester the Cat?
Never be a cat in a cartoon, Lou.
Never.
-(Lisa screams) -(Ralph laughs)
LISA: The beam must have a fulcrum I can move to
that would stabilize it.
Think, Lisa, think.
(ship horn blows)
Oh! (panting)
(bicycle bell dinging)
Two for two.
Young man, didn't I tell you to sit and stay in that house?
I thought you were talking to the dog.
We don't have a dog.
Then what's been pooping in my bedroom?
Professor, how on Earth did he get a higher score than me?
Okay, Lisa, I am going to give you ten more points
for one of the most important skills of all:
discovering huge flaws in my test without telling anyone.
(laughs)
You mean, after all this, after all I've gone through,
you're just gonna fudge my score and I should be happy?
Well, after all, that's how I got into, uh...
Oh, I can't say it.
The lowest of the Ivys.
Oh, God, help me-- Cornell!
Cornell! God!
It's okay, you're fine.
Oh, gloyvik.
Okay, Homie, buckle up.
Because there's no limit to how neat your handwriting can get.
Marge, I don't know.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
(harmonica playing)
I'll help you.
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ My love... ♪
Lisa, turn off that oldies station!
-♪ My darl... ♪ -(music stops)
HOMER: Dearest Marjorie,
what words are adequate to describe your beauty?
Like, a bowling ball, fresh out of a polisher.
Oh.
I've always dreamed
Homie would write me cursive love letters.
HOMER: You are as beautiful as your sisters are hideous.
Oh...
♪ ♪
Oh, Homie.
Mwah. Oh.
I'm married to a writer.
I really am.
(snores)
Welcome, all of you.
You are the chosen people.
Chosen to be my slaves.
I am no one's slave.
Well, doesn't matter what you think.
The doors are sealed.
Not this one.
Wait, wait, you haven't heard about the retirement plan.
There isn't one.
Fine, I don't need them.
I don't need anyone.
Oh. Why did you have me go back for your slippers?
How could you turn on me so quickly?
Shh!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH