(caws)
♪ ♪
(exclaims)
(school bell rings)
(burps)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeps)
♪ ♪
(playing lively jazz music)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(grunts)
D'oh!
♪ ♪
♪ They fought for years ♪
♪ With guns and garden shears ♪
♪ Years, years, years, tears, tears, tears ♪
-♪ It's the Itchy and Scratchy ♪ -(grunts)
♪ Marathon! ♪
(cheering, whooping)
KRUSTY (tiredly): Episode 10,432:
"Leave It To Cleaver."
(yowling)
ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by delicious Cream of Rye.
(weary chuckling)
Which one's the cat?
Okay. (yawns)
Hour 14 of our marathon.
Now let's watch Episode 10,433:
"Cat Scratch Cleaver"!
Enough with the cartoons.
You'll rot your brains.
(Homer and Bart mumbling)
HOMER: Leave brain alone.
Ugh, I've been watching so much TV I can't move my head.
-I'll fix him. -Careful, Dad!
If I'd have been careful, I wouldn't have had you.
-(crack) -(grunts) -Ooh!
(grunts)
Eh? Eh?
-(Marge growls) -(neck cracks)
Now I can't go to school. Or church.
Hallelujah! Aah!
We're going to spend family time together
without watching TV.
Mom is right.
Americans watch way too much TV.
How many hours? Let me Google that.
Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B.
(hoots) Let me Google that.
Turn off the devices, pronto!
Pronto. Odd word.
-Let me Google that. -Mm. Mm.
Hey, I'm doing something educational.
Educational, my foot.
I saw pixels.
It's TunnelCraft.
A simulated world where you explore, mine resources,
and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.
Can you die in it?
-Yes. -It's a video game.
I got a family activity for ya.
In the Depression, we'd sit around the wood stove
and sing songs about poverty.
♪ Old poor Joe, the starving boy ♪
♪ Had worms burrow in his feet ♪
♪ He heard there was work in Portland ♪
♪ But sadly he heard wrong ♪
♪ Oh, the railroad bulls, they rousted him ♪
♪ And stuck him in a sack ♪
♪ They tied him to the train ♪
♪ And pulled him down the track ♪
♪ They threw him off the bridge ♪
♪ And they kicked him in the head and they... ♪
Enough!
-I know what we're going to do. -Huh?
-Aw. -We're going to go out.
We're going to get some books
and we're going to read those books.
This is the very last chance
for this family to get reading in their lives.
So get on your feet, bubs.
(groaning)
We are taking a walk.
(moans)
To the library.
(moans louder)
Where you'll have to be quiet.
(moans very quietly)
Wait, you're closing?
You wanna read? Start with the sign.
Oh, can't we just go in for five minutes?
Up to you.
But after 2:00, the silverfish take over.
Ah!
I just wanted to renew my card!
Hmm. DVDs, plush toys, crullers--
I don't see many books.
Yeah, the only actual books are coffee table books.
Barn Doors of Topeka,
Dogs Eating Ice Cream,
Jigsaw Puzzles with One Piece Missing,
Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon...
Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a bookstore.
Amazon! Of course!
Alexa!
Order books!
ALEXA (on phone): I already did.
Your mind is open to me.
They'll be home before I am.
(sniffles, moans)
Ma'am, if you really want to read,
check out our proprietary e-reader:
the Bookaccino "Niche."
Um, excuse me.
That device is poorly designed.
I would register my disgust,
but it corrects with auto praise.
Hmm.
Ugh!
MARGE: Finally, a bookstore that sells books.
(Homer grunts, strains)
-HOMER: Oh, oatmeal. -I love the smell of old books.
(inhales) Ah...
Wouldn't do that, miss.
The air in here
has a lot of particulate rat droppings.
Ugh!
Okay.
Let's book up and bug out.
Here you go, Bart:
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Maggie: In Cold Blood.
Lisa: With No Apologies: The Memoirs of Barry Goldwater.
(sucking faster and faster)
Lisa, look!
The Princess in the Garden, by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
Hmm.
It's my very favorite book
from when I was a girl.
It's for ages ten and up,
but I think you're ready.
If you think so.
Wait a minute.
One bar... two bars...
five bars.
You're not reading a book.
-You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot! -Dad, please.
I'm trying to reserve tickets to TunnelCraft-Con.
What? What the hell is that?
Uh, duh, it's a convention
for kids who play TunnelCraft.
It's got skins, betas, mods--
exclusive access to the top devs.
No convention. And that's almost final.
But I'm dying to go, fatso.
-Now it is final! -(grunts)
What do you have for a kid
who wishes his father was dead?
Try this. The Art of War,
written 3,000 years ago by General Sun Tzu.
Well, there's "war" in the title and very few pages.
The only flaw is it's a book.
Young man, are you sure you want war with your father?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
I do not seek war,
but neither do I turn away.
♪ ♪
If you use this book,
your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace.
(laughs)
Oh, mighty general!
I beg to be your unworthy footstool.
When he sleeps, I will steal the jewels from his topknot.
(cackles)
Hey, Mom, I found something to read!
Wonderful!
What a great family day.
And there is only one perfect way
to complete a great family day.
So, how's the family?
I think they went to dinner. Something nice.
(gasps) Nelson's coming our way.
(moans)
My nose is pre-bleeding.
I'm picking on Bart.
You like books, huh?
Well, here's a bookmark.
If your enemy is easily enraged, irritate him.
I heard you're not strong, you're just fat.
Fat? Me?
You try eating healthy at a strip club buffet!
Oh!
Whoa! Willy!
-(knocking on door) -Get me out of here!
-(bagpipes playing over earbuds) -It's on fire! Willy!
Hmm. Maybe wisdom isn't so stupid after all.
Milhouse, I'm gonna use this book to go to TunnelCraft-Con.
Here's the book I'm reading.
When I finish this,
I'll have read every Mary Kate and Ashley book.
Sometimes I feel like the third sister.
(owl hooting)
Ooh.
He opposed the religious right.
Okay, this is my favorite book ever, but no pressure.
You realize saying "no pressure"
puts me under tremendous pressure.
Then let's get started.
"Not all English girls
"grow up in England.
"Clara grew up in South America
"where she was raised by many native servants.
But they were too naturally servile to oppose her will."
-Hmm. -LISA: "Naturally" what?
(British accent): Uncle Juan?
Would you clap as I dance?
Rhythm... rhythm...
(sharply): Mind the rhythm or you'll feel the lash!
-(gasps) -Mom, why'd you stop reading?
It's just a little different than I remembered.
Let's skip ahead.
A father murdered by loco banana picker,
Clara baptizing savages without their permission...
Oh, okay, okay, here we go.
Clara is now an orphan
and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills.
She meets a boy named Conor.
Like all Irish, he was feeble-witted and drunk.
(Irish accent): This is the part you deem acceptable?
The Irish are nobody's joke anymore.
♪ Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! ♪
CONOR: I'm goin' on a hunger strike in here!
(moans) So weak. So weak...
-Yah-hah! -(screams)
Another childhood classic bites the dust.
Is that a coolie hat?
Nighty-night!
I bet my booklight is shining on something offensive.
MARGE: Oh...
Darn it.
Oh... (grunts)
Heloise Hodgeson Burwell?
(British accent): Why did you stop reading my book?
Your daughter is just the kind of girl I wrote it for--
-obedient, well-fed and white. -Shh!
(upper-class British accent): Oh, calm yourself, Marge.
Dreams are where it's okay to be racist.
Rudyard Kipling!
Yes. You should read my first draft of The Jungle Book.
At the end, Mowgli uses his elephants
to stomp out some Hindus seeking limited voting rights.
All in good fun.
Marge, I suppose you could edit my book
to your daughter's sensibilities.
Wow. An author that wants rewrites.
Well, that's what makes this a dream.
Now the war begins.
MILHOUSE: Not yet!
I haven't finished my costume.
I'm doing period sewing with bird bones as needles.
♪ ♪
LENNY: Wait.
Why do you want me to text you
when your father's getting in the car?
That's none of your business-- but let's just say
both of us will benefit.
(gasps) A trombone mute?
But I don't have a trombone.
Open the other box.
Oh, my God!
♪ ♪
-(gong crashes) -(gasping)
(Bart laughing)
All right, Simpson, blow into this.
Now make it into a rabbit.
All right. Ralphie's birthday is today,
and you're the entertainment.
(Homer groans)
What's going on? It's like someone's out to get me.
I have to be focused and careful.
Nothing will break my concen... Ooh! Wild milk ball.
(chomping)
(gulping)
♪ ♪
Bart! You're behind this?
That's right. And it looks like someone is stuck in the mud.
(shrieks) Help me, boy!
I will save you if you do what I say from now on...
starting with going to TunnelCraft-Con.
Sure. Just pull me out
by your sneaky little neck!
(Homer grunting)
(moans)
Just be aware that if something happens to me,
Mom finds out about your secret stash of Drake's Cakes.
What secret stash?
Pier 18, shipping container number 4-7-9-5-2.
D'oh!
I was offered a deal and I took it. Okay, I give.
Louder, dog!
Okay!
(gasping)
Huh. You really think you can control me?
Malted milk ball.
Ooh!
(Marge panting)
Okay. Here's a new version
of The Princess in the Garden.
(tired sigh)
-Mom, you're exhausted. -It takes a lot of work
to take the spirit and character out of a book.
But now it's as inoffensive as a Sunday in Cincinnati.
"Once there was a cisgender girl named Clara.
"She lived in South America,
"fighting for wild horse rescue...
(neighing)
...and net neutrality."
(electrical buzzing)
LISA: This new Clara
sounds like she starts out pretty perfect.
You betcha!
But since she's already evolved,
she doesn't really have an emotional journey to complete.
-Nope. -Kind of means there's no point to the book.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
It's hard to say.
Something that started decades ago
and was applauded and inoffensive,
is now politically incorrect.
What can you do?
Some things will be dealt with at a later date.
If at all.
-Hey, Simpsons. We'll see you in church. -Not today you won't.
Oh. Well, we'll say a prayer for you.
Don't mention my name, weirdo.
Dear Lord, forgive that boy.
He knows not what he says.
(aggravated groan) What does that weirdo want now?
♪ ♪
(cheering, whooping)
Ow!
My feet hurt. There's too much cosplay,
whatever that is.
-Can we go home? -Quiet, you.
It's the two greatest TunnelCraft players
of all time!
Those guys make awesome videos
where they play TunnelCraft together.
Has the world gone mad?
Their banter is legendary.
-Got that? -Yeah.
-Go left. -Right.
-Left. Go right. -Right.
-Dig. -Dig.
Dig.
-Dig. -Cool.
That's why they call me Tunnel-Rat.
-I'm Tunnel-Rat. -Oh, right.
-Oh-ho... -Oh, awesome!
-What the...? -Calm down.
It's me, Daniel Radcliffe.
This is how I see conventions: incognito.
Otherwise the fans envelope me.
Oh, that's ridiculous!
Daniel Radcliffe!
He knows Rupert Grint!
Yes, I do. He's lovely.
Oh! Oh, God! What are you... Aah! Aah!
I loved him.
Please, can we go now?
No! You wait in the poster-signing line.
And don't sign them yourself.
I'll know.
Milhouse, by God,
if you want a ride home, you tell me what Bart's up to.
Okay. Bart's been using
an ancient Chinese book against you.
I knew it. Except for the ancient Chinese book part,
I knew it!
♪ ♪
Why are you bringing me here?
These professors have some very interesting news for you
about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on this chair
and imagine I'm grading papers.
(hums a tune) Ah.
Ah, Marge Simpson, the fan of Burwell.
(chuckles) We are all Burwelleans.
You don't mind that her books are a little...
grandma on the veranda?
Marge, Burwell's whole life was a protest against conformity.
-Yeah, she never married. -Had no children.
She lived in Provincetown, Mass...
a-chu-setts.
Heloise Burwell is a lesbian icon!
Her "offensive" stereotypes
were actually a self-consciously ironic protest
against her own oppression.
How much of that do you actually believe?
Mmm... most.
So much to take in.
How do you deal with it all?
With the help of sherry.
Yes. Sherry, bring in the hard liquor, please.
(grunts, gasps)
Okay. Now you can ask me about Lewis Carroll.
♪ ♪
Remember: all warfare is deception.
Shut up.
I'm trying to fool my kid.
Bart, son, if you don't mind, I brought a friend over.
Mm-hmm.
Flanders?!
Great to be here, pal-o-mino.
I brought some potent grass
that'll get this party started. Bluegrass!
♪ Chicken's in the henhouse, pig is in the poke ♪
♪ The whole dang farm feels okily-doke ♪
♪ Goin' up to Cripple Creek, swimmin' fully dressed ♪
♪ Not being naked, oh, that's the best. ♪
Mr. Flanders. Again?
No siree, Bart!
It's me, your Homereeno!
Morning, friend-till-the-end.
Ready to greet the day with a big ho-hey?
Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy, 'cause I'm ready to roll!
Then let's hi-diddley-go!
If anyone can do it, it's we two-it!
-Yes, indeedle, doddily... -Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily.
(both singing Flanders gibberish)
Oh, my God. He's even gone left-handed.
Now we're gonna take you to a movie rated R
for "really old and boring."
(aggravated groan)
(orchestral waltz playing)
(projector clicking)
♪ ♪
(laughter)
Oh, no, he daren't! (chuckles)
Dad, please, isn't there any way to get the old Homer back?
Well, now, Bartly, why would you want that balding boob...
(gasps) Ooh, I said "boob"!
Uh-oh. Time for me to do a turtle.
I'll come out when the B-bombs stop flying.
Please, I want my dad-- not this horrible creature
from the depths of Heaven you've become.
If you truly surrender,
give me your Halloween candy.
But it's March.
Most of it's still good.
Fine.
Now, bow to your master,
because you are the fool,
and I, the greater fool!
Dad! You read the book, too?
Up to page five.
Now, come here, son, and grab some belly.
(chuckles): Aw.
Excuse me. These films are original nitrate prints.
Which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire.
You have seconds to escape!
(organ plays fanfare)
They never tell the organist.
(lively piano rag playing)
Hmm, so that film is a hundred years old?
No. We shot it at my place yesterday.
♪ Well, now it's time to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Ned and Rod and Todd ♪
♪ And I'll remind all you folks you should be praisin' God ♪
♪ If you don't, you'll rot in Hell for all eternity ♪
♪ It's all a part of God's great love he has for you and me. ♪
Y'all come back, now. Y'hear?
Shh!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH