[echoing] D'oh!
[guitar strumming]
♪ Gather around, me buckos A story I will tell ♪
♪ Of a woman named Lily Who cast quite a spell ♪
♪ It started back in Britain It started in a pub ♪
[pub brawlers shouting]
-[grunting] -She's mine.
It's my birthday! She's mine!
-[grunting] -[bagpipe skirls]
I can't be the cause of this.
-I'm leaving. -[man] Your fault!
-[man grunts] -[Willie groans]
♪ We were fighting over Lily Using knife, fork and club ♪
That's all I got. The rest will be spoken word.
Lily gets why we're here. Life is supposed to be fun.
I loved her. We all loved her.
The way gophers love that sweet, sweet poison.
Every man wanted her for the greatest reason there is:
Lily could make life fun.
Now, everyone, hold hands with a stranger.
[man 1] Pleased to meet you.
[man 2] How delightful.
Lily. [hums]
[man] Good one, Lily!
[laughter]
Ah.
[Big Ben tolls]
[man 1] Bravo, Lily!
[man 2] Pub's back open!
But like The Beatles and balmy weather, she was too hot for England to handle.
I find you far too alluring for the average Englishman
and banish you to Britain's penal colony, America.
This is your captain speaking. Will you date me?
Sorry, no.
Uh, okay, I'm experiencing some emotional turbulence.
My life is pathetic, going back and forth, back and forth.
I don't wanna live anymore.
[Willie] Even the most glamorous movie stars of Hollywood bored her.
Farewell, Leo.
You're a lovely boy, but my heart isn't some CGI bear for you to conquer.
But I've completely opened myself up to you.
I even admitted I play the same guy in every role. Marry me!
Maybe I should go back to England.
No, give this country a chance. Don't judge us by Hollywood.
All right. But I'm leaving now, dear.
You'll have to content yourself with generic supermodels, I'm afraid.
Nothing ever works out for me.
She needed to get away, somewhere, anywhere, so she threw a dart.
Hmm. What's next?
[Willie] So, she headed to Springfield,
little knowing that its men had the lowest testosterone,
not counting the Columbia University Football team.
Lily wanted peace, but the best-laid plans...
[speaks Scottish]
Can't understand me? Too bad. I'm your narrator.
Do not tell me what organs they put in the haggis.
Hmm.
The only thing worse than when you guys yap
is you sitting here all quiet and sullen.
I ain't sullen. I'm lachrymose.
[groans] Why did I give him that stupid word-a-day calendar?
Hmm. Impulsinicity?
Excuse me there, lady, but this is a man's bar.
And I'd like a man's drink. Bourbon, neat, in a dirty glass.
You got it. Just gotta look up what "neat" means.
I just don't understand.
Understand what?
What's a pub without a song?
♪ At the pub at the crossroads There's whiskey and beer ♪
There are songs about drinking?
♪ There's brandy, strong cognac That's aging for years ♪
♪ But for killing the thirst And for easing the gout ♪
♪ There's nothing at all Beats a pint of good stout ♪
♪ Pint of good stout ♪
What's that I hear you asking?
Where are the Simpsons?
Haven't you heard enough about the bloody Simpsons
to last a thousand lifetimes?
No, I guess not.
So, Homer is about to receive an unpleasant surprise.
What a great day. I've never been so happy.
Nothing can ruin it. Nothing!
What? Where you going?
On our vacation. Remember?
My aunt's letting us use her home at the Vineyard for three weeks. Rent-free.
How come I'm not coming?
Well, that was her one condition.
-[Homer] D'oh! -Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna miss you all so much. Well, at least, I'll have the dog.
Sorry, Dad. We put the pets with Mr. Flanders because...
well, we knew he'd take care of them.
[whistles] Come to Papa.
-[dog barks] -[cat meows]
[grunts] Good, good. Make believe you love him.
-Flanders, I love you. -D'oh!
We're staying at my Aunt Edith's house at Hyannibunkport.
It's south of Squibagansett.
East of Codtucket, next to Little Crabkill Bog.
Those are great names. You'll never wanna leave.
I'm gonna keep you in my sight as long as I can.
[thunderclap]
[Marge sighs]
[truck horn honks]
We love you! Stop following!
Okay!
[truck horn honks]
[warning alarm buzzes]
[Lily] ♪...then throw me out the door ♪
♪ I've traveled in England I've traveled in France ♪
♪ At a hint of good music I'll sing or I'll dance ♪
♪ So hear me then, mister And pour me one more ♪
Gentlemen.
[all] ♪ If I can't drink it up Then throw me out the door ♪
[all laugh]
You have to seize life and relish every minute.
Eliminate all sorrow. Open a bloody window.
[choir] ♪ Hallelujah ♪
Okay. Okay. That's enough of that.
[ominous chanting]
[choir] ♪ Hallelujah ♪
[ominous chanting]
[choir] ♪ Hall-- ♪
Hey, Lily, you like suspenders? 'Cause I got 'em.
Well, I hope you don't mind if I give them a wee snap.
[giggles] Intimacy.
Lily, you transformed this dump into a joint. Bless ya.
[sobs]
[groans]
[gasps]
[sighs]
Who are you?
Homer Simpson.
You know, Homer, I've never met a man who didn't offer me his chair or his beer.
You have now.
So, tell me, what's wrong with you?
It's personal.
Tell me. Maybe I can lighten your load.
My family left me for three weeks.
No.
The dog and cat are with Flanders.
Oh!
I'm alone. I don't know what to do.
You have to have a good time for their sake because if you don't,
they'll feel guilty and never forgive you.
And you'll never forgive them because they are causing you the misery.
And you'll all be buried in dirty laundry with squealing kids
for the rest of your days.
Wow. Wow.
You're the smartest woman I've ever met in my life.
Except one!
[beeps, rings]
Shut the window!
But then everything smells like you.
[both grunting]
[Bart] Take that.
-[phone rings] -[grunting continues]
Welcome to our tour of the vineyard.
This is where Steven Spielberg shot Jaws.
That's the end of our tour.
Now, my aunt's house is only eight miles away,
but we just have to make it before sundown.
Uh, Mom, I think you've gone off the road.
Whoa! Watch out for that deer!
That was close.
[screams] More deer!
[sighs] We're here.
[thunderclap]
[Marge groans]
-[Barney laughs] -[Carl] Your turn, Lily.
[machine chimes]
[sighs]
I miss them.
It's been so long. No one to comfort me.
Put your mobile away because I'm gonna sing in German.
[singing in German]
This is like that beautiful scene in Sound of Music
when all the Nazis sang good night.
[singing continues]
If you're done singing, can we turn up the game?
[crowd on TV cheering]
[gasps, sobs]
-[Lily crying] -What's wrong, lady? We miss you inside.
A good bloke who never had a break, and now he's a broken spirit.
He's lost and lonely and really doesn't give a fig about me.
I'm in love.
I love him too.
[both sigh]
Okay. The sun is shining.
[sighs] I can finally read my book.
[seagull mewing]
Hello, nature. Time to meet your death.
[gasps] Bart, those are tick bites. You'll get Lyme disease.
Why didn't somebody warn me?
-[Marge groans, grunts] -[groans]
Get me a priest.
Mom, I always liked you.
Honey, try to relax. Watch Itchy and Scratchy.
I am itchy and scratchy.
Meanwhile, Homer little dreamed that--
Willie, you think it would kill you to rake and talk?
Would you rather I tell the story about what's under these leaves and dirt?
Oh. Uh, no. No, no, no.
Carry on. [chuckles]
Getting back, Lily continued to light up all the men's lives except Homer's.
[both] Lily!
Gentlemen, I made you all picnic lunches.
-Yeah! -Wow!
-It's British food. -[both sigh]
Post-1990 British food.
[both] Yes!
Smithers, that woman has captivated me,
which, if memory serves, is an early state of physical arousal.
Sir, we've been through this before with several women and one very shapely tree.
I feel a tingle I haven't felt since they took the cocaine out of Coca-Cola.
I must woo her.
And Simpson's my way in.
Have him ask her on a date on my boat which will actually be a date with me.
But, sir, why not have me ask her directly?
[chuckles] As if I could trust you to keep your hands off a lady.
[chuckles] How well you know me, sir.
[Homer] Uh-oh.
Very good, Maggie. Now we can cook them. Yum-yum.
[ship horn blows]
Who are all those people?
It's the weekenders from Falmouth.
[ship horn blows]
It's almost here.
And raise the prices...
now.
-[man 1] Clam strips and beer. -[man 2] Black Dog mouse pads.
[man 3] Over here! T-shirts!
[man 4] CD's by James Taylor's brother.
[weekenders grunting, shouting]
That's it! We're going home.
Everyone was innocently falling into Burns's trap,
and trouble brewed as Lily offered a perverse prayer.
[Lily] Forgive me, Lord. I must have Homer.
Please let me win him, even briefly.
It would be like having a lover and a child at the same time.
Hey, Lily, how you doing?
Homer, I'm so glad you asked me to meet you here.
Thanks. I'm glad you feel that way.
But there's something I didn't tell you, uh...
You're on a date with my boss.
That's my boat.
My name is Montgomery Burns.
I'm the richest and therefore most attractive man in town.
Okay. See ya.
Wait, wait, wait!
Mr. Burns, surely a venerable gentleman such as yourself would know
that I need a chaperone.
Of course. Simpson, join us.
Smithers, cue my weapon of woo.
[playing romantic music]
I know a shortcut.
[Homer] Why I am staring at her? I'll make my eyes look at something else.
Oh, my God. I'm smiling back.
I hope you enjoyed your dinner. [chuckles]
And just wait till we get to dessert.
You make me feel like I'm having dinner with a James Bond villain.
[chuckles] She gets me. Now, wink for me, Smithers.
[both chuckle]
What am I doing here?
[Homer] What have I done to this wonderful woman?
How can I make it up to her?
I'm sorry.
Why did you bring me here?
Fear of unemployment.
Let's just stay through dessert.
♪ Look at me I'm Gypsy Rose Lee ♪
♪ You and me And my cardiologist make three ♪
Sorry. I have to leave right now.
Oh, but why?
I just spilled a glass of wine on myself.
Also this bottle.
Homer, let's go.
[grunts]
That was awful.
There's some people that make you feel being lonely isn't so bad.
And there are people that make you never want to be lonely again.
[chuckles] I hear ya, and I almost understand ya.
Thank God you were there to save me.
That's what I'm best at. Saving people from things I get them into.
[chuckles] You've got a little cake on the corner of your mouth.
-Oh, I do? Where? -Just here.
-There? -Just there.
Oh, where? Right there?
-No. You're missing it. Just to the-- -Oh, there?
Yeah. Oh, just let me do it.
Okay. But--
You can stop now. I meant go slow.
Wait a minute. Wait. While you're there, could you get the upper lip?
[sighs] Oh, my God. What am I gonna do with you?
Please, nothing. I'm taking you home now.
[tires screech]
Well, aren't you going walk me in?
[whimpers]
Look, Lily, you're the most, uh...
Finish that thought.
You're the most anything of any woman I've ever known except for my wife
who I loved-- I mean love! I said love!
Oh, that's beautiful.
Thank you.
But give me one damn proper kiss goodbye.
No.
[Homer grunting]
No, no!
This is good, but is it worth burning in hell forever?
We'll see each other in our dreams, whether you like it or not.
You stay out of my dreams. All my stuff's in there.
Got to stay awake. If I dream of Lily, it's all over.
Got to stay awake.
Must not dream.
Got to stay awake. Got to stay awake.
Oh, no.
[snoring]
[chuckles] You've got a little cake on the corner of your mouth.
[Lily] Homer.
-No. She's here. She's here... -Homer.
-...and God help me, I'm glad. -Homer.
-Marge? -Surprise.
We came back early.
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I'll never let you go.
[phone vibrating]
Who's calling you so late?
Telemarketer. Got to take it.
Those people are so sensitive.
-Hello? -[in English accent] Wrong number.
-Homer? -[normal] Damn it!
-I need to see you now, Homer. -[whimpers]
You know the address. Lovers' Lane, just off Fidelity Avenue.
Listen, I have to tell you right now I can never see you again.
Can you tell me in person?
Great idea!
Keep me on the line. I'll guide you here.
Ooh.
You realize nothing's going to happen.
Of course.
♪ I promise you chocolate and kisses ♪
♪ Martinis with lemon drops ♪
No, feet. No!
[groans]
[Lily] ♪ I just woke up And made you pork chops ♪
♪ La la la La la la ♪
-[Marge] ♪ La la la ♪ -[Lily] ♪ La la la ♪
[Marge] ♪ La la la La la la ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ La la la La la la ♪
♪ La la Pork chop ♪
♪ La la la La la la ♪
♪ La la la ♪
You're home.
Yes, I am. And I'll never leave you.
There might be frequent interruptions. I may stop at Moe's.
I may be watching the hot dogs spin at the movie theater.
Or I may be picking a flower for you.
But I will never, ever leave you.
Aw, Homie.
Mmm.
[Lily crying]
[airline announcer] Now boarding, nonstop Springfield to London.
Sorry, lady.
How was America, dear?
There's nothing there for me.
It's big, full of fried food, and heartbreaking. And that's just one man.
There'll never be another like him.
-Mmm. Buy you a drink, sweetheart? -No.
-Fancy a drink? -No, thank you.
Would you get-- No. No. No, thanks. Get off.
[man] Buy you a corn dog?
[gasps] Yes. But first, are you married? And would you shave off the mustache?
Yes, and immediately.
Shh!